Thursday, February 21, 2013

vent out!







its been a a tough, and a long days in a week - for me. and i hope it'll be over soon. and yeah - i cant wait to get the hell out of here, as well - in a way, it is.


starting wit Monday till yesterday - aku terlibat in mesyuarat/bengkel in developing kurikulum for the new Advance Dip in Mental Health - deadline nak present dah dekat, yet so many thgs to be done.. and semua dah mcm tension and muka ketat. and they hav it in ere, kat ofc aku - making me tak bley lari dr all the kerja hakiki, since stdnts tetap looked out for u, the bosses still called and nak itu ini - knwing ur around in the compound of where u belong. and again - aku terpaksa berlari2 ere and there - trying to cope wit thgs. kelas plak still goin on; aku terpaksa jugak cilok in between since aku dah malas (and tak mampu rasanya) nak re-schedule the whole shyte.


and tak termasuk penempatan klinikal - kena tgk jgk. i wish i cld potong myself into few parts - for dat'll make my life easier.


and time2 ni jgk budak2 aku (bwh penyelarasan aku) buat hal. setakat sket2 aku tak kisah - budak2, biasa lah. i mean - bukan lagik dah budak2 pun.. masing2 dah remaja besar bagak. tp perangai mcm mak bapak tak ajar apa2.


dengan kes budak2 lelaki neh bwk balik perempuan ke hostel, ponteng klinikal - tanpa sebab and tak reti2 nak bgtau aku, kes curi laptop etc - sumer happened at the same time. and it really testing my stress threshold. i knw aku shldnt take it personally. i shldnt bring all those bulshyte back home - but aku jst cant help it. pantang je salah, kes displin - bos akan sebut nama aku, 'apa kena dgn budak2 u ni Shah?', 'wat did u teach em?' and 'hold on, dis is Shah's punya stdnts rite?' kinda shyte.


and they r not even my kids pun! 


deep down, aku feel so frustrated. 2 yrs wit the boys/gals - didnt change anythg at all. dah dkt2 nak grad neh, makin teruk. is it becoz of my lacking? or is it they themselves? aku pening. sumpah aku pening. and each time dorang buat kes - aku turut kena panggil mengadap, aku will di bebankan dengan bloody reports and such. 


it is not like aku tak pernah handle any group before. i did. tp budak2 sekarang mcm tak dak mak bapak, tadak didikan properly kat rumah. and jenis tak fikir pjg. 


semlm - aku had sort of own-time doin self-reflection. maybe aku shld stop being so nice. theres no use ko tlg such individu yg jenis tak reti kenang jasa. be it anak bangsa ke, or anak bangsat. i'll jst do my job. ko buat salah - aku will send in the report. and the bosses keep on sagat aku regarding dis - aku will go smiling aku reply em nicely, and make em regret for pulling such stupid jokes. ko dtg sini nak belajar. ko langgar displin, aku will do wat i shld do. not dat aku tak buat such thg before - but i'll be rigorously firm dis time around. tak guna aku ckp byk, bg penampar kiri kanan kalo still tak beri apa2 perubahan pun.


sometimes aku nyesal and kesal to hav the opportunity knwing and handling budak2 neh. serious ckp. ofkoz, its a process of living and i do learn a lot. but all dis thg effected aku nye life in a friggin nasty way, more than aku think it is.


2 meetings today. and aku kena hadir program anjuran PostBsc Psy Nursing jugak kat one of the skol today. ptg, kelas 3jam.


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i feel much better now. i knw nbdy wants to listen to all dis. tadak org tnya pun wats wrong. and aku pun tak reti nak bukak mulut. so aku tulis kat sini je lah. and if u read dis - and u think dis is so full of negativism, and it'll effect ur day - i am utterly sorry!


hav a good Thor-sday, ppl!









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