i never share dis wit anyone at all. never. and it keep coming back, intrusively hitting my skull - each time aku pi solat Jumaat. each Jumaat, to be precise.
and today, too. aku rasa sayu sgt.
it was back then, in 1985. and aku was 11yo. dat was the time bila abah mula izinkan aku pi skol naik basikal. i was excited, God sake. w'pun abah tak berapa nak setuju - he sent me like everyday pergi dan balik ke sekolah since aku darjah 1 until darjah 4. therefore, since abah keje ofc hr., aku jarang2 sekali pi aktiviti ko-ku since it wld be tough for him. so bila dpt peluang naik basikal to skol - aku was thrilled. bley pergi dgn kwn2. kuarters to skol around 4km la jugak - tp aku kayuh basikal thru shortcut, so tak la jauh sgt.
aku ingat lagi - tiap kali hari Jumaat, aku risau. jalan bz. masjid sebelah kanan jalan - and it means aku kena cross the bz road utk masuk ke compound masjid. aku remember still, how aku mintak izin abah utk park basikal aku seberang jalan and lintas ke masjid - tp abah tak kasik. he told me off to be 'berani sket' and 'parking basikal jauh2 nanti hilang' kinda thang. upon dat - aku tak berani bantah. payah nak dpt basikal sebijik.. berbulan2 aku mintak and merayu dgn mak. dgn abah. hidup back then agak restricted. and dpt basikal sebijik was like heaven to me. and lama sungguh untuk abah up to a point izinkan aku kayuh basikal to skol.
and on dat one Friday - as usual, jalan sgt bz. budak2 balik skol, org pergi balik ofc, bus skol etc.. aku berdebar as usual. it was Masjid Jamek Selama, to be precise. aku berenti tp jalan, tgk kiri kanan.. jalan clear and aku terus kayuh lintas jalan cpt2.
and suddenly, out of nowhere - aku cant really remember wat happened - and all i knew, i was there sprawled on the road. dgn basikal aku. lunchbox aku yg mak bekalkan tiap2 ari - bertabur kat jalan. beg skol aku terburai wit all the books on the road. i felt so dizzy, i hardly see thgs well. all i knw aku nampak org mula ramai kumpul around aku. my knee hurts. tgn aku. and all over the body.
and i saw a man running towards me. and it was abah.
he pulled me into his arm, and hugged me. aku rasa hilang malu, aku cried. aku felt so scared. shocked. abah peluk aku, telling me not to cry. dat everythg is ok. and he kept telling me not to cry. aku wept quietly, and aku remember the feeling of being so secured wit abah hugging me. like never before.
but then - it was jst for a while. abah tgk aku 'ok' and suruh aku masuk masjid mcm biasa. again - i was shocked. i tot he'd send me to the clinic. or back home. and no skol for the day.
but dat wasnt happen. aku still kena pi skol. and kayuh basikal balik rumah, sorang2.
aku remember havin dis bitterness feelin and anger in me. hatred. resentment. it wasnt my fault. aku dah tgk jalan btol2 and it was ok for me to cross pun. and dis Indian young man rammed into me, and left me jst like dat. it was my fault, God sake.
back from skol, mak cried tgk aku. tak teruk mana pun, aku tau. laceration wounds all over. and aku tak amek port sgt pun.
but it was my heart dat wounded for sure. abah never talked about it. mak pujuk aku as usual. and aku ingat cikgu PJ did some dressing, taruk Flavine to the wounds sambil bebel2 'awak balik je la rehat kat rumah' and aku firmly say 'no', for i knw dat is wat abah wld say.
for yrs i've been carryin dat feelin in me. i never asked mak or abah, or talked about it. until baru2 ni mak bgtau kat aku - while sembang2, yg how abah told her about his feeling, and how abah 'berlari wit rasa cemas.. as if tak cukup tanah tgk along xcdnt dpn mata'. aku was surprised. abah never told me dat. and mak tak pulak pernah citer apa2 regarding dat. i was left alone dealing wit the tot, the feelin and such.
i knw - it mght be nthg for u. but i was jst a lil boy back then.
aku drive back to the ofc wit dis kinda numb in me. i remember the feeling back then - part of me - aku rasa marah dgn diri sendiri. and another part of me - aku marah dgn abah. he hardly talk to me like a dad shld do, to a son. and so do i. but after mak citer kat aku the whole truth - aku felt so lega. dat i cld smile to myself. dat aku felt a bit angry wit myself - for havin such tot and feeling, all dis yrs.
and i knw it wasnt right.
aku syg abah. watever it is. we hardly talked. and aku as his son - aku totally regret for it. aku shldve do better than jst dat. if he was like dat - i cant change him. but i always can change myself, God sake. aku syg abah. sgt2. he was the reason why and where i am now. and wat i am, at the same time.
i was around when he was sick, till he left us for good. i was there - thru thick and thin. yet i am not sure till when i'd be carryin dis particular regret in me. bukan niat aku putting all dis down utk buruk2kan abah or anythg at all. but i need to vent it out - been keeping it for ages. and it is bad for me. and i hardly hav anyone dat understand me well pun.
God, i miss him. so much. dat it hurts.