Monday, February 25, 2013

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Thors-day, done.

these 2 funny boys!


me and Lee Yee Pheng.
he Gangnam-ed all the way, solo!! 
dammit he's good.


Susan, a moderate Down Syndrome.
a nice, chatty gal.
tho i hardly understand her well.


another sweet gal,
in cheongsam.


gez wat? dis boy won first place, ok!
he did the catwalk so good,
like nbdy biz!!


Susan, doin her thang.

sampai ofc awal dis morning. aku finished up the anadoctal as requested by Mr Bong, and sent em all up to his room. back to my corner - aku dun really knw wat to do.

ofkoz - theres a lot of thgs to be done. i mean - so many thgs, yet perhaps - i am not sure where and wat to start.. and dat was the time bila aku decided to say 'yes' to Puan Khamimah - my senior, to tag wit her along to hadir program komuniti conducted by Psy Nursing PostBasic kat Sekolah Semangat Maju - a school for those intellectually defect. i mean - those yg mcm Down Syndrome, ADHD, autisme and such. ramai budak2 kat sini. mcm perangai..

and i am telling u the truth - i had fun. its kinda break away for a while from all the shyte dat i am havin at time. budak2 ni buat persembahan, and they r all fun! u knw - Down Syndrome kids  they r full of love, and easily tag along wit u, well - tho they hardly knw u. so ada dua tiga orang kids yg salam aku, cium tgn aku, and dah bley duduk sebelah aku, smiling away - waiting for u to kinda ask him/her q's, to break the ice.

overall - Puan Khamimah nyer stdnts did a very good job. Pengetua skol tu tak abes2 puji dr awal, sampai abes. well, basically - they r my stdnts as well. i spent a lot of hrs teaching em Psychology. and Sociology as well. and they r a bunch of good stndts.

sigh. how i wish i am havin like 90 stdnts yg sebaik mcm ni..   :-(

by noon, aku dah kat ofc. tak sempat mkn - kelas wit bdk2 PostBsc Psy new batch at 2 till 5. on Personality. aku kucked off wit some kinda kuiz, for em to at least knw emselves well - to knw others. it seems like everybdy is enjoyin the class, and i am doin ok too - i think.

5pm - aku dha kat ofc. and kena settled hal budak2 posting Psych. plak.. budak basik. dis one stdnt tak ngam wit the rest of the members in the group - and LP started to complain since tadak kerjasama, katanya. aku called everyone back - and had sort of open table - discussing face to face - as a man.

so, msg2 vent out msg2 nyer isi perut, and dah mcm nak perang. but i managed to handle the whole thg, Alhamdulillah. i hope all of em will be OK after dis. it is hard to change others - ppl's perception, attitude et al. but i believe we can always change ourselve - for betterment. y bother changing and worrying on others while they dun giv it a shyte about it?and y dun we change our own self, for good?

i do hope the boys get my msg. literally, i am tired facing the same shyte again and again.

6.30pm - aku dah kat rumah. Asar belum., and aku missed my gym dah 2 hari now. solat, did some lite work-out at home, mandi and Maghrib. lite din din, Colombiana on Fox HD, and ere i am, now.

think i am goin to crash soon. and i cant wait for trow,. for the weekend, God sake.

gnyte, ppl.

vent out!

its been a a tough, and a long days in a week - for me. and i hope it'll be over soon. and yeah - i cant wait to get the hell out of here, as well - in a way, it is.

starting wit Monday till yesterday - aku terlibat in mesyuarat/bengkel in developing kurikulum for the new Advance Dip in Mental Health - deadline nak present dah dekat, yet so many thgs to be done.. and semua dah mcm tension and muka ketat. and they hav it in ere, kat ofc aku - making me tak bley lari dr all the kerja hakiki, since stdnts tetap looked out for u, the bosses still called and nak itu ini - knwing ur around in the compound of where u belong. and again - aku terpaksa berlari2 ere and there - trying to cope wit thgs. kelas plak still goin on; aku terpaksa jugak cilok in between since aku dah malas (and tak mampu rasanya) nak re-schedule the whole shyte.

and tak termasuk penempatan klinikal - kena tgk jgk. i wish i cld potong myself into few parts - for dat'll make my life easier.

and time2 ni jgk budak2 aku (bwh penyelarasan aku) buat hal. setakat sket2 aku tak kisah - budak2, biasa lah. i mean - bukan lagik dah budak2 pun.. masing2 dah remaja besar bagak. tp perangai mcm mak bapak tak ajar apa2.

dengan kes budak2 lelaki neh bwk balik perempuan ke hostel, ponteng klinikal - tanpa sebab and tak reti2 nak bgtau aku, kes curi laptop etc - sumer happened at the same time. and it really testing my stress threshold. i knw aku shldnt take it personally. i shldnt bring all those bulshyte back home - but aku jst cant help it. pantang je salah, kes displin - bos akan sebut nama aku, 'apa kena dgn budak2 u ni Shah?', 'wat did u teach em?' and 'hold on, dis is Shah's punya stdnts rite?' kinda shyte.

and they r not even my kids pun! 

deep down, aku feel so frustrated. 2 yrs wit the boys/gals - didnt change anythg at all. dah dkt2 nak grad neh, makin teruk. is it becoz of my lacking? or is it they themselves? aku pening. sumpah aku pening. and each time dorang buat kes - aku turut kena panggil mengadap, aku will di bebankan dengan bloody reports and such. 

it is not like aku tak pernah handle any group before. i did. tp budak2 sekarang mcm tak dak mak bapak, tadak didikan properly kat rumah. and jenis tak fikir pjg. 

semlm - aku had sort of own-time doin self-reflection. maybe aku shld stop being so nice. theres no use ko tlg such individu yg jenis tak reti kenang jasa. be it anak bangsa ke, or anak bangsat. i'll jst do my job. ko buat salah - aku will send in the report. and the bosses keep on sagat aku regarding dis - aku will go smiling aku reply em nicely, and make em regret for pulling such stupid jokes. ko dtg sini nak belajar. ko langgar displin, aku will do wat i shld do. not dat aku tak buat such thg before - but i'll be rigorously firm dis time around. tak guna aku ckp byk, bg penampar kiri kanan kalo still tak beri apa2 perubahan pun.

sometimes aku nyesal and kesal to hav the opportunity knwing and handling budak2 neh. serious ckp. ofkoz, its a process of living and i do learn a lot. but all dis thg effected aku nye life in a friggin nasty way, more than aku think it is.

2 meetings today. and aku kena hadir program anjuran PostBsc Psy Nursing jugak kat one of the skol today. ptg, kelas 3jam.


i feel much better now. i knw nbdy wants to listen to all dis. tadak org tnya pun wats wrong. and aku pun tak reti nak bukak mulut. so aku tulis kat sini je lah. and if u read dis - and u think dis is so full of negativism, and it'll effect ur day - i am utterly sorry!

hav a good Thor-sday, ppl!

Sunday, February 17, 2013

can u listen?

in dis age of the net, most of us spend more and more time listening to the spoken word. recently, i read somewhere on interpersonal communications of 68 ppl in different kinda occupations - says dat - on the average, 75% of the subjects' waking day was spent in verbal commnication - 30% in talking, 45% in listening.

yet most of us dun knw how to listen. most of us, generally r 'half-listener'; we retains only about 50% of wat we hear right after we hear somethg.

the act of listening requires dat u do more than simply let sound waves into ur ears, jst as the act of reading requires dat u do more than look at the print. u've done dat. u do read a lot. and u knw how it is. good listening demands 'active participation'. but then again - there r several stumbling blocks in the way. one of the onvious problem is - we think much faster than we talk. the rate of an average person is about 125 words (if i am not mistaken) wit in a min., but we think 4 times dat fast. dis means dat in each min a person talks to us normally hav about 400 words of thinking to spare.

amazing, eh?

see - if we r a poor listener, we soon become impatient. our tot turn to somethg else for a moment, than dart back to the speaker. these brief side excursions continue until our mind tarries too long on some other subjects. then - our tots return to the person talking, we find he's far ahead from us. and nor its harder to follow him and increasingly easy to take off side excursions. finally we giv up -the person is still talking, but our mind is alrdy out there in some different kinda world. i bet u knw how it is.

the good listener uses his tot speed to advantage; he constantly applies his spare thinking time to wat is being said - is the facts accurate? do they come from an unprejudiced source? am i getting the whole picture in ere? or is he telling me only wat will prove his point?

bad listeners seldom giv a subject or a speaker a chance; they declare a subject dry after a few sentences and sign off - givin only a passive attention. good listeners, on the other hand - try to find somethg interesting in wat is being said, somethg dat can be put to use. such as, 'wat is he sayin dat i need to knw? is dat a really practical idea? is he reporting somethg new?' and such. such q's will definitely keep us on track and help us to sharpen our listening skill.

ppl who hav developed their listening skill hav learned to focus their attention on central ideas. they r not led astray by trayin mentally to record each fact as it is presented. facts r useful - no doubt - chiefly for bolstering the theme under discussion. concentrate on the theme, and u will find dat dis will definitely help u to remember the facts cited.

concentration? darn dat is somethg else.

concentration is more than half the battle. a poor listeners tend to be too easily distracted. a good listeners, on the other hand - instinctively fights distraction. he will close a door, shut of the radio, keep away his mobile, and he will interrupt only when it is necessary to clear up one point before proceeding to another.

one of the reasons for paying close attention to wat is being said is simply it is courteous to do so. but there is a selfish reason too. soon we will discover dat the way we listen has a great deal of control over the way ppl talk to us. intelligent listening on ur part helps the speaker to express wat he had in mind and thus makes him more able to giv u information dat u may need. trust me - how u listen therefore had a direct bearing on wat u learn.

when u hav mastered the skill of listening - u will discover an extra dividend - the fact dat u hav learned how to heed the spoken word will mean - automatically - dat u will hav become more interesting speaker urself.

jst as u will get more fun and reward from listening, so others will get more out of wat u hav to say!!


ok. The Walking Dead time now! c'ya.



time for others.

y do we so frequently feel, "wat i do doesnt really make a difference?". we drown into the same shyte, we run arnd the same circle and we fall into a familiar error - using the wrong yardstick wit whch to measure goodness.

we thk dat good actions r really important only in time of crisis, only when an xtraordinary demand calls for xtraordinary effort.

yet the time of crisis is but a small opportunity given each of us to cntribute to other ppl's lives.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


cant sleep tonite, dis is not the first time pun, but its been few days now since aku balik dr Bgn Serai dat is dr rumah mak. i am not sure wats the problem - but i gez the problem is not a problem any more to me now.. now dat i am kinda used to it. 

but then again - its different when ur around the house, u cant sleep yet ur havin a clear mind - for there r a lot of thgs can be done. and to stay awake wit thgs runnin around in ur head - ur tryin to figure out wat the heck it is and u keep runnin in the same circle for u cant find the answer - well dat is somethg else.

and i gez - i am now in one. the running around, not knwg wat the hell is goin wrong.

i knw its weird. when ur keep on thinkin, yet ur not sure wats in ur mind. u wish u cld tear up yr head up, take out yr brain and walk off jst like dat. thus u need not to think about anythg at all. 

perhaps when u get ur soul rest, and u need not to think about thinking, anymore. but then again - how sure it is?

i need some sleep. i cant be like dis, like forever. and taking my sleepin pills, i dun wanna do dat anymore. it wldnt do me good. or perhaps, it wld. at least for tonite. jst for tonite.

coz i cant afford bein behind the wheel up north trow, in dis kinda me. perhaps, dats the reason y i hardly sleep kot. i had no choice, to choose. and dis one - i jst need to face it, and get it done.. at least for dis time around. and by noon, insyaAllah - thgs will be jst like the way it shld be.

and i'll be home. pretending as if nthg goes wrong.


Friday, February 15, 2013

abah. Jumaat.

i never share dis wit anyone at all. never. and it keep coming back, intrusively hitting my skull - each time aku pi solat Jumaat. each Jumaat, to be precise. 

and today, too. aku rasa sayu sgt.

it was back then, in 1985. and aku was 11yo. dat was the time bila abah mula izinkan aku pi skol naik basikal. i was excited, God sake. w'pun abah tak berapa nak setuju - he sent me like everyday pergi dan balik ke sekolah since aku darjah 1 until darjah 4. therefore, since abah keje ofc hr., aku jarang2 sekali pi aktiviti ko-ku since it wld be tough for him. so bila dpt peluang naik basikal to skol - aku was thrilled. bley pergi dgn kwn2. kuarters to skol around 4km la jugak - tp aku kayuh basikal thru shortcut, so tak la jauh sgt.

 aku ingat lagi - tiap kali hari Jumaat, aku risau. jalan bz. masjid sebelah kanan jalan - and it means aku kena cross the bz road utk masuk ke compound masjid. aku remember still, how aku mintak izin abah utk park basikal aku seberang jalan and lintas ke masjid - tp abah tak kasik. he told me off to be 'berani sket' and 'parking basikal jauh2 nanti hilang' kinda thang. upon dat - aku tak berani bantah. payah nak dpt basikal sebijik.. berbulan2 aku mintak and merayu dgn mak. dgn abah. hidup back then agak restricted. and dpt basikal sebijik was like heaven to me. and lama sungguh untuk abah up to a point izinkan aku kayuh basikal to skol.

and on dat one Friday - as usual, jalan sgt bz. budak2 balik skol, org pergi balik ofc, bus skol etc.. aku berdebar as usual. it was Masjid Jamek Selama, to be precise. aku berenti tp jalan, tgk kiri kanan.. jalan clear and aku terus kayuh lintas jalan cpt2.

and suddenly, out of nowhere - aku cant really remember wat happened - and all i knew, i was there sprawled on the road. dgn basikal aku. lunchbox aku yg mak bekalkan tiap2 ari - bertabur kat jalan. beg skol aku terburai wit all the books on the road. i felt so dizzy, i hardly see thgs well. all i knw aku nampak org mula ramai kumpul around aku. my knee hurts. tgn aku. and all over the body. 

and i saw a man running towards me. and it was abah.

he pulled me into his arm, and hugged me. aku rasa hilang malu, aku cried. aku felt so scared. shocked. abah peluk aku, telling me not to cry. dat everythg is ok. and he kept telling me not to cry. aku wept quietly, and aku remember the feeling of being so secured wit abah hugging me. like never before.

 but then - it was jst for a while. abah tgk aku 'ok' and suruh aku masuk masjid mcm biasa. again - i was shocked. i tot he'd send me to the clinic. or back home. and no skol for the day.

but dat wasnt happen. aku still kena pi skol. and kayuh basikal balik rumah, sorang2.

aku remember havin dis bitterness feelin and anger in me. hatred. resentment. it wasnt my fault. aku dah tgk jalan btol2 and it was ok for me to cross pun. and dis Indian young man rammed into me, and left me jst like dat. it was my fault, God sake.

back from skol, mak cried tgk aku. tak teruk mana pun, aku tau. laceration wounds all over. and aku tak amek port sgt pun. 

but it was my heart dat wounded for sure. abah never talked about it. mak pujuk aku as usual. and aku ingat cikgu PJ did some dressing, taruk Flavine to the wounds sambil bebel2 'awak balik je la rehat kat rumah' and aku firmly say 'no', for i knw dat is wat abah wld say.

for yrs i've been carryin dat feelin in me. i never asked mak or abah, or talked about it. until baru2 ni mak bgtau kat aku - while sembang2, yg how abah told her about his feeling, and how abah 'berlari wit rasa cemas.. as if tak cukup tanah tgk along xcdnt dpn mata'. aku was surprised. abah never told me dat. and mak tak pulak pernah citer apa2 regarding dat. i was left alone dealing wit the tot, the feelin and such.

i knw - it mght be nthg for u. but i was jst a lil boy back then.

aku drive back to the ofc wit dis kinda numb in me. i remember the feeling back then - part of me - aku rasa marah dgn diri sendiri. and another part of me - aku marah dgn abah. he hardly talk to me like a dad shld do, to a son. and so do i. but after mak citer kat aku the whole truth - aku felt so lega. dat i cld smile to myself. dat aku felt a bit angry wit myself - for havin such tot and feeling, all dis yrs. 

and i knw it wasnt right.

aku syg abah. watever it is. we hardly talked. and aku as his son - aku totally regret for it. aku shldve do better than jst dat. if he was like dat - i cant change him. but i always can change myself, God sake. aku syg abah. sgt2. he was the reason why and where i am now. and wat i am, at the same time.

i was around when he was sick, till he left us for good. i was there - thru thick and thin. yet i am not sure till when i'd be carryin dis particular regret in me. bukan niat aku putting all dis down utk buruk2kan abah or anythg at all. but i need to vent it out - been keeping it for ages. and it is bad for me. and i hardly hav anyone dat understand me well pun.

God, i miss him. so much. dat it hurts.

Monday, February 11, 2013



Soleh, me, cik, ngah and yang


there r bad days and worse days. days when i am consumed wit so much fear its almost like i cldnt bear it.

i knw there r other ppl out there who r suffering more than wat i am xperiencing, but smehow i feel like i only c my own prob.and dat no matter wat other ppl say, my fear is real, and its crippling me.

i knw i shld learn to accept myslf, my flaws and all, and learn to love myslf despite my imperfections, bt stimes its jst so hard.

wats wrong wit me? y is it so hard for me to love myslf? y is it so hard to let go of my fear and leare to realize dat i deserve the best in life.

i wish dat someday dat i will be able to set myslf free.



projek ari ni - nasik krabs. aku dgn abg ngah tugas cari bahan. done. kak yang and kak ngah kontrak kat dapur.

mean while kitorang guling2 dpn tv.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

one day.

1st day, cuti.

bgun awal. terus kuar cari bekpes. mak ckp makcik kat dpn jalan taman rumah angah ni niaga.. tp tutup. org lain raya, org lain sakan tutup kedai kueh bagai.

and aku got no choice - aku kena rayau and find some. aku ended up kat pasar bagan serai wit Haziq the monmon. byk org niaga. and kueh 5 ketul RM2. wow. raya2 neh naik harga ya? ipoh pun still 4 ketul RM1.00.. aku diam je. and rembat RM8, since ramai rakyat jelata kat rumah angah..

lps breakfast, aku ajak mak, kak ngah and kak yang pi kubur abah. semlm lagi aku nak singgah.. tapi since dah gelap, aku pi pg ni je.. aku buat tahlil ringkas, and off we go. time like dis - when everyone is in - terasa sgt abah tak dak. tho waktu abah ada, abah lebih suka duduk and perhatikan anak cucu dia je rather than participate, but the presence  is all dat matters.

balik, aku terus start projek aku - ngecat ruang tamu rumah mak. now dat mak dah menyewa rumah dpn rumah ngah - aku cld see shes way happy. mak dah start decorating the hse the way she wants it to be - for aku tau mak mmg suka kemas2 rumah and hias rumah jst the way she wanted it to be. rumah mak ada 3 bilik, 2 bilik air. condition baik, and she likes it. mak bwk byk barang2 dia dr rumah kat kampung in Kubu Gajah - and aku brought jer a tv and few coupla thgs.

nak cat rumah is sthg else - aku tak brp bagus when it comes to DIY thang pun. and hav to deal dgn mininyets yang merenyut nak dis nak dat, nak tlg etc - is sthgs else. aku ended up halau semua org balik rumah ngah, and settled thgs alone.

by 1pm, settled. aku lenguh tengkok2, penat giler. dah bukak langsir bagai.. now hav to fix it again. cuci kipas siling, mop lantai, cuci sumer bilik air..

aku suka tgk mak happy. and aku buat ni sumer pun as jst a small contribution to make her happy. as long as mak suka, kami anak beranak pun suka. mak need some place on jer own. some space.

and now - aku dah tergolek. tambah plak post-lunch and mak plak yg masak.. aiyoooo kalo aku gemuk balik, sah2 la bukan salah aku. ok!

Friday, February 8, 2013


its was a good day for me in the morn., but after Jumaat - thgs turned out to be hell. i mean - it aint dat good lah. its not like it was way too bad anyway. same ol' shait. thgs yg dah berkali2 jadik and u hav talked it out - but still.. nvm. but then again, aku believe dat no matter how hard aku try to control myself - aku ada my own threshold. 

got a call from Penyelia HBUK - pasal stdnt aku yg posting kat sana. stdnt Amer sebenarnya, tp bwh seliaan aku since posting di HBUK. displin. since aku mmg dah buat aptment nak jumapk semua stdnt yg posting di HBUK - it was perfect then lah. instead of tutorial - bdk2 neh jadik mangsa leter aku. aku hate doin it - perhaps aku effected wit thgs happened to me before. but then aku pantang sgt if u get posted to clinical area under my supervision, and ko buat taik. 

buat taik satu hal. and never knw how to cover up and nyusahkan semua org, is another. aku sgt2 pantang.

serabut sgt rasa.

by 4.30pm aku dismissed budak2 tu. dorang dah last day - masing2 tarik muka since aku marah2, and since masing2 literally dah kat kg, w'pun the body duduk dpn aku. aku feel kinda tesed, aku called mak. basically dats wat i do, each time aku tak tau nak ngadu kat saper. and upon hearing my voice - mak tau aku in deep shyte.

we talked. and mak suara mcm penat. mak ckp she is - since keje kemas brg (mak baru pindah rumah, close to kak ngah's) tak settle2. mak ckp she wld like to hav her new dinning hall bercat baru  so aku terus singgah kedai hardware, beli cat as mak nak. 

and basically, dats wat i do trow. w'pun mengecat rumah is not my cuppa - tp tak pa lah. at least dats wat i can contribute pun.. tak sbr plak nak balik jumpak mak. cik balik. kak yang pun. and Soleh - he's alrdy kat kg.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


i never like ular. in any kind, God sake. their nature really drives me crazy. i dun knw, its beyond explanation - for me. i remember coupla close encounter wit em, and it really drives me nuts. be it ppl say dat if u dun go disturbing em, they will be jst fine. and they'll move away. but still.

and its kinda weird when u dream one.

i woke up around 3am to dis kinda dream. aku jenis jarang2 sgt ada mimpi. kalo ada pun - i hardly remember the details. i mean - its like aku tau and realized aku did mimpi somethg, but i cant remember anythg at all about the thg dat i am havin, in the dream. tp mlm tadi - aku remember the details. aku remember it was like someone mcm nak bagi ular kat aku - and sah2 la aku tak nak. its like mcm ular jinak. yg orang dok buat show tu. and it was white in color. 

since aku tak amek - the ular went round in circle, around me. it drives me nuts alrite - tp dia tak plak kaco aku. and dats the weird part. and aku remember aku had dis feeling yg aku nak get rid of it, once the 'tuan' away from me. haih.

by 4am, aku dah wide awake.. and aku cant any longer stay in bed pun. aku walked down, bancuh oat and Milo. aku decided aku nak puasa je lar ari neh.. iron baju. Isyak (since aku tdo awal smlm), hajat and tahajud - off aku mandi. online jap byr bills, emails etc - off aku siap2 and blah. 7am, aku dah kat ofc.

if ur a Freudian, u will understand dat havin dreams in ur sleep is somethg else. but goin thru the net lookin for the interpretation according to Islam - mimpi ular is not kinda good one. i knw, mimpi can jst mimpi. i mght be utterly tired. or perhaps, for the first time like forever, aku tido and i reached my REM, God sake. 

dah la. i shldnt let the ular thang disturb me and the rest of the day. dah la kelas full blast ari neh..

btw - sapa plak la yg bancuh Nescafe neh? sedap bau siak!!