its 1am, and i am still struggling. i knw i am so tired - mentally, physically. but i jst cant close dis bloody eyes of mine. and its killin me.
i gez i need to dis. i need to let dis out of the system. i need to vent dis out. for dats the way it is, for me.
ptg tadi - by 6.30pm - aku alrdy home. it was a heavy downpour all the way from Bandar Baru, Kedah - rite till home. the visibility was so poor dat i hardly drive well pun. and i hav to still concentrate on the road - for i was not alone - Nur, Shah and Wan my stdnts were around wit me to allahyarham's house. i had my eyes on the road, yet my mind wandering all over places. none of us really did the talking, until i sent em all back to the hostel. done wit Maghrib - aku hit the road for Surau Al Hidayah wit all the other stdnts, for they wanted to hav another session of bacaan tahlil/Yassin for arwah - and aku ikut je.
done wit all dat, aku drove home. i wanted to be under the shower again so badly, get changed and hit the sack. i cant think anymore. otak rasa tepu sgt. i remember feelin dis - i dun knw how to explain - it was raining still and i felt so cold inside, empty. i felt so lonely. i feel like - theres a huge kinda emptiness cramping my lungs and i hardly breath. and i started to hav tears runnin down my cheeks.. i dun think i feel so sad about allahyarham Kifli dat left us dis mornin - of coz i feel sad - but knwing him, knwing dat insyaAllah he is in a better place now, and i thank God. i cried for somethg i dun knw how to explain. i kept thinkin about abah - on days before he left us, how he wanted to solat so badly and how he cried each time he listened to azan - and how he kept telling me to remind him each rakaat of his solat yg dia tak mampu buat - dat when he's better, he wanted to qado every each of it. abah tak pernah tinggal sembahyang. and i knw how it feels for him.
but then again - abah was jst apart of it. i am still recovering from losing him. and along the way - aku lost 2 of my beloved stdnts - Muaz, and today -Kifli. but again - dats not the whole thang. it is somethg else. i feel empty. i feel so damn bloody empty, i dun knw how to put it into words.
i knw i am not alone. but i gez i am kinda lonely. i am complicated. sometimes i hardly knw myself well pun. but i gez dats the way it is. sometimes i keep tellin myself to take thgs easy, and live life as it is.
i lost one of my good stdnt today. i was there seein his mom crying silently over the lost of his son. and i was there seein the dad - so confused, puzzled - not knwg wat to do, strugglin over the lost. and i jst did wat i shld be doin - jst exactly wat i did when abah passed away. and i do hope i am doin ok - at least.
its been 2 yrs Kifli and the rest of 92 stdnts around me. i gez i knew Kifli well. he had no premorbid kinda behavior - rempit and such. i dun knw. i gez semua ni cuma sebab musabab - he was riding his bike on the left lane of the highway back to Ipoh, when suddenly a drunk man jatuh moto in front of him - he tried to elak, hit the man's bike, swayed to the right (fast lane) of the highway and jatuh. wit in coupla secs., a big MPV yg laju hit him hard and he was terheret wit the bike, and immediately - the bike and arwah was on fire. his right arm thrown to the other side of the road, and he sustained a broken mandible, lower spine fracture. plus charred burnt over his left leg till it went disfigured, and burn over his whole right leg.
i believe all the above was jst a kind of 'sebab'. the truth is - Allah loves him way better.
mati itu pasti - its jst a matter of how. and when. and life - it will goes on mysteriously as usual, unpredictable.
i gez all i need now is a bit of crashing. and i'll be ok, as the sun goes up - trow mornin.
so long, Kifli Madlan.
u'll be missed, definitely..