Friday, November 30, 2012

happy b'day, abah. along rindukan abah..










i dreamed about abah jst now. which made sense.. because today - is his birthday, and he was supposed to hav turned 68 today. i write 'supposed to', becoz abah is no longer around us physically - becoz he died on July 30, 2012. and today - November 30, 2012 - me and adik2 shldve berebut2 to call abah up, to see whos first get to wish him a very good birthday.. and his response will be (as usual), 'tak dak apa nak celebrate.. abah dah tua. makin dekat dgn kubur..'. and he giggled away. 


i always try to find sometime to travel to him and mak, to be around on dis big day of his. but now - i jst prayin hard to at least see him in my dream, every nite before i go crashing. i remember dat feeling - of bein so secured, dat i wasnt confused when i see him in there - never think he shld be dead and wonder y he's still alive, as if it is so real. but i am jst happy he is there, for i knw he is happy at where he at now.


- but abah is not here today, so i cant do anythg together wit him. anymore. at least - not when i am awake.


i hav knwn abah, really known him - for all my life. for who and wat he was. not every child is lucky enuff to hav been able to say dat, i knw.


some children miss out on their fathers bcoz they decide to be physically absent, choosing work or hobbies over spending time wit their kids. other parents r emotionally absent, not lettin their children see dat they even hav emotions - hiding who they really r - maybe becoz they r embarrassed by their feelings - or perhaps, afraid dat real men dun cry. or hug. or kiss their children.


wit abah, i wanted for nthg. abah was always there for me in both body and spirit - showing me by his living example wat it was like to be a man, and a human being. dat it was possible for a man to show tenderness, to be unafraid of open affection wit ppl around u - and to be a loving person. he was selfless wit us all. tho way back then when i was a small kid - we hardly communicate, abah hardly showed us his feelings et al. but i knw - i jst knw how he felt inside. and at the end of his days - abah completely changed, abah started to show his soft side, his loving and caring self - dat i wish i cldve see all those, way back then. or perhaps, he cldve showed us way earlier.


it is impossible to speak of abah w/o also speaking of mak - becoz they were one. they r still one. together, they showed me wat true love was life, taught me wat a life shld be. abah loved us all more than he loved himself. when it became too hard for him to live on, the pain dat was the greatest for him was never his own - but rather the pain he saw in us.


at tragic times like these - so many families r worried about all the thgs left unsaid bcoz they were not brave enouff to say em and dat they r ran out of time. exactly i knw hows dat feel, as well. way back then we were so superficial when we said to abah dat 'kami sayang abah' yet we were not sure of wats dat about. but towards the end of his days - i managed to hold his hand, looked into his eyes - and told him how much i love him, and how much he meant to me; dat i wish i cldve buy more time to re-do thgs i yet to hav the chance of doin wit him, to him. and he was jst lookin at me wit dat blank lookin in his eyes, smiling. and rubbing my head. i am not sure he understand wat i told him, and God knws how i want him to knw all those thgs i said to him.


the world is filled wit adult men who never heard their father say 'i love you', who wonder thru out their lives whether they were love. i was there in those shoes, but again - at the end of his days - abah did tell us so many time how much he loved us, how much he cared for us - tho again, i wasnt sure if he understand wat he was sayin.. and again - i really do hope he knew wat he said.


i never doubted dat he loved us. me. he never told us so - directly, but we knew. and when we grew up - we always hugged abah, and salam abah, cium tgn abah - each time we reached rumah mak abah at kampung, each time we left home. i never doubted abah's love.


i love abah so much dat i am so scared if i failed him. i wanted him to be proud of me. i wanted him to see me as a good role model to my adik beradik. tho i knw i am not dat good enuff, i need him to knw dat i tried so hard - and i am still tryin to be the best; up to his expectation.


dis is the greatest gift dat a father can giv to his son. aku consider it a miracle dat he had the strength of spirit to be able to giv to me wat he was never given himself.


abah - Selamat Ulang Tahun Kelahiran ke 68. along wish ur still around - there at the end of the call, so i cld wish u so. so i cld hear the same script u'd be sayin, year in and year out. but ur no more around. and dat hurts me a lot.


along will always love abah, and along will always miss u.













Wednesday, November 28, 2012

today!














if life has been good, today - insyaAllah - it can be good in a new and exciting way. if life has been difficult, today we can move beyond the difficulties into a more rewarding and fulfilling experience. watever may hav been before - trust me; today it is goin to be different. and we can choose - right now, to make it different in a good way.


out future is determined not by our past - but by our expectations. today u can set those expectation at the highest level u can imagine. if we expect to be a victim, dats wat we'll end up being. yet today, is different - and today, we can do much, much better.


today is filled wit great challenge, and wit even greater promise. make the decision to step up to the challenge - and to fulfill the highest, the biggest promise of dis day.


trust me - watever dat it - today is different. and its ours to live wit purpose, discipline, enthusiasm and joy. today is different - and u can make it the best one yet.


ameen ya rabb.








Sunday, November 25, 2012

let life flow.








when we hold too tightly to the tots and feelings dat come along - we mght end up getting stuck. dis is true for positive tots and feelings as well as for negative ones. u knw how it is - when ur letting all those un-known thang take control of ur tots. ur life - even worst.


tots perhaps its a lil nicer bein stuck in a pleasant place than it is bein stuck in some kinda shyte - wats even better is not to be stuck at all. kan? wats even better is to be continually moving towards higher and higher levels of joy. and fulfilment. been thru dis - i knw how it is. when u hav to struggle wit those moment when u hav shitty tots in ur head - assumption, negative tots and such.


i gez theres a few reasons for it - self-esteem. faith. faith. and a bit more faith.


experience ur tots. and ur feelings. take from wat they hav to offer and then let em flow on past. as the negative ones fall away - they'll quickly lose their hold on u, and as the positive ones move on past they'll make room for even some better ones.


we gotta loosen our grip on the bad thgs and we'll free ourselves from em. loosen our grip on the good thgs dat they'll be free to grow even stronger and bring even more blessings to our life.


we gotta hav the faith - to let life flow. stop holding on so tight and see how very far we can go..


--


abah;


mak kat rumah along. wit kak ngah and whole fmly. cik telepon ptg tadik. and Soleh pun ada called mak mlm smlm. we hav fun - do the usual thang. budak2 neh lari turun naik dpn belakang mcm tak cukup tanah. mak and kak ngah bz kat dapor as usual. 


kerusi tempat abah duduk selalu time dtg rumah along - kosong. abah selalu duduk situ perhati cucu2 lari keliling rumah.. and sometimes abah sound dorg bila dorang dah went over board. semlm along duduk kat kerusi tu, bebel kat acik and Haziq since dorang bising time mak nak tgk tv. kak ngah ckp along behaved like abah.. and along looked like abah as well.


along jst senyum - along din knw how to react pun.


and semlm, along bwk dorang sumer kuar.. and we went to English Decor. along and kak ngah bz pusing the whole lot, only to find mak menangis kat satu sudut kedai.. sorang2. we were shocked - apparently mak rindu kan abah. mak rindu nak do all the thgs she used to do while duduk serumah dgn abah - kemas rumah, decorate the whole house in her own way.. 


along rindu abah. along believe every one of us do, as well. we jst dun talk about it - as much as along did in ere..







Wednesday, November 21, 2012

mls.







woke up early. i mean - way way earlier than before. aku crashed awal jugak semlm. before 10pm aku dah terlena. but by 3am - aku dah terjaga.. lama dah tak mmcm ni. and by the time aku dah terjaga - theres no way aku cld go back to sleep.. around Subuh - aku terlelap jap, and terjaga dgn msg Pinkie.


Pinkie is in bad situation. jst got back from Paris, to a very bad scenario nbdy wants to be in dat situation. otw to the ofc., aku called her jap. and talked to her. poor Pinkie. aku doakan agar Allah mempermudahkan urusan, segala urusan InsyaAllah.


flipped thru the schedule - aku realized aku kena travel today.


and aku so mls..

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

when life gets tuff..












head up!




shyte happens. like everyday. somehow or rather. i believe dat shyte happens every now and then - and shyte wont be happening like every day in life. in our life, to be precise. shyte come and go. it wont stay. and it has to go - coz it cant stay. 


for dis is ur life. shitty or not - its in ur hand. easy to say, alrite - hit me, for i knw its easy to say it out. but trust me - sticking in a mud and its full of shyte is way worst than the feelin by the time ur out of the whole shyte. 


but how? only u knw how it is. and only u knw how to deal wit well. 


i dun hav a perfect life either. i had shitty days now and then. shyte happens like every now and then. and when ur in one - u started to hate like everybdy, wit the tot of nbdy understands u - and the questions like 'kenapa aku?', 'apasal org lain tak kena?' will haunt u like nbdy biz. and when i am in one - i keep telling myself dat shyte wont stay, shitty thang aint belongs to me, dat one day i'll get rid the shyte outta my way - and thgs gonna be jst fine. how? and when? its subjective. it depends on how i look at it, wats the resources i hav to help me out of the friggin shyte, and when is the very good time for me to deal wit it well. i'll force myself for some facts and such - and i'll get myself ready - to combat the shyte outta my way. i'll look out for some sources - for some different views, and vent myself out for some opinion.


the fact dat sometimes when we r stick in some shyte, we hardly able to see other different perspective - rather than some other ppl who r around us can - be it if they understand u better, or not.


38 yrs of livin, i am still learnin. shyte happens every day. but everyday wont be the same shyte for me - at least dats wat i can assure of. and at least - for my own life. 


life is short. and it has to be sweet. getting stuck in a mud full of shyte, is sucks alrite. but gettin drown in it - again and again, and tryin to get the hell out of it - r two different thgs..


i wish all the ppl out there, the best in life. and remember - shyte happens, like everyday. its ok. for dats wat life is. and for dat - somehow makes ur life, merrier. life - u cant hav it like all wit bed of roses - like all the time. shyte days will make us strong. shyte days will make us wiser. and shyte days, wldnt be dat shitty after all - if we r able take it as it is. and face it, once for all.


jst dun let shitty days, bring u down. 







Monday, November 19, 2012

to adapt. and adopt.
















adapt and adopt. those 2 words i yg aku keep reminding myself, and aku keep telling the stndts - every now and then. to adapt, and adopt. the faster, the better.


sumer org tau - the world keeps changing fast - from day to day, moment to moment. and dat can be a very big problem for u, for us - or it can be also a magnificent opportunity. perhaps.


one of our greatest skills is our ability to adapt. and adopt. when we make use of dat particular skills, we can get the changes to work in our favor. trust me - the future is a moving target. at least dats wat i keep telling myself. even the most carefully constructed plans - can be rendered ineffective by changing conditions. in no time - at all.


yet there is no need to giv up on ur goals when thgs r change. y shld u? u dun wanna put everythg at waste, kan? after all the planning, sorting thgs out etc. perhaps u wanna take a good look at yr new surroundings, and successfully adapt to em.


it cld, very well dat a changing situation offers even more opportunity than was there before. saper tau, kan? put urself in a position to realize dat opportunity - by adapting to the changes. remember? its all in ur head. its all in the way u think, and in the way how u see thgs alrite.


when ur world changes, u can become immobilized wit keluh kesah, worry - u can waste ur time complaining (most of us do dis, incldg me jugak!! hehe) - or u can adapt. heh. u do hav the choices to choose, trust me. so make use of ur ability to adapt. and be ur best in an ever-changing world, insyaAllah.







Saturday, November 17, 2012

kat kg.



bgun pg mak awal2 lagi suruh pi kdai. beli tepung. minyak etc etc. mak siap buat list dah. haziq and hazwan awal2 lagi dah bersiap sedia dkt porch kete. mls aku nak lyn.

thus aku pecut naik moto je. mak suruh pi kdai sengau je dkt pekan neh, tp aku need to go to the bank - so aku lajak je pi Selama. 7.30am, watdya xpct. pekan kosong - jalan siap bley gangnam kat tgh2 line putih lagi. and tadak satu kedai pun yg bukak. tensi, aku patah balik pi Kubu Gajah.

and kedai Sengau jgk yg bukak. beli brg, sggah kdai Ain nasik lemak, aku balik. hrpan dat aku nak smbg balik tdo hancus since bdk2 neh nampak je aku bukak pagar, dah loncat2 kat porch.

nak tdo mcm tu? mmg tak la kot.

mak suruh racun lalang keliling pgr rmh. and sapu daun kering kat kebun abah. bkr pe patut. tbg pokok2, daun2 ranting2 kering.

haih.

dah settle. aku lapar and ngantok.






Friday, November 16, 2012

ur tots.













i believe dat everythg ur is determined by ur tots. all the past experiences u hav had u to dis point when ur reading dis bulshyte in front of ur eyes - in ur life, exist in ur tots. ur entire future from dis point on exists only in ur tots. ur probably grown accusomed to thinking of urself as ur body.


howeve, ur more tot than ur physical substance. ur tots r wat define u, not the molecules and atoms dat u happen to carry around, wit u. ur tots r wat allow u to relate to the world and to the other ppl in it.


and trust me - ur tots r wat control every aspect of ur life.


all of ur behavior results from tots u think. if u r not satisfied wit ur behavior, or ur performance - then all u hav to do is change ur tots and u will change ur behaviors. u r ur tots. to change anythg in ur life - i believe - all dats needed is a change in tot and a commitment - to do watever it takes, to bring dat tot, into bein.


mintak ampun. jst my 2 kupang.






abah..















and i miss him dearly - like everyday. every secs of the day. jst dat semlm - aku think about abah too much dat i hardly sleep well pun. i remember i was prayin hard to at least - aku dpt mimpi abah, to meet him up at least in a dream - be it how brief it wld be. so dat aku cld ask him coupla thgs. so dat aku cld see him again - his face, his smile and such.


but i ended up had nthg at all. aku ended up wondering all nite, staring into the dark. aku rindu kan abah sgt2, God knws how it is.


abah used to keep telling me tunaikan solat 5 waktu w/o fail (w/pun aku dah besar pjg), he kept telling me to find some time utk mengaji agama di masjid/surau, and to 'upgrade' myself dunia akhirat. jadi contoh utk adik2. and not forgetting t/jwb aku as anak sulung - to mak, adik2 and whole fmly. 


and i wonder if i am ever up to his expectation, tho deep down - i knw where i stand. i wish i cld be way better than dis. 


abah;

along rindukan abah. each nite, before along tido - God knws how along wish to see u in the dream. even for a while. along rindu leter abah. along rindu dat secure-feeling each time u asked me dis and dat about life and such. 


and along rindu abah. so much, dat it hurts.



*sigh










allow..











so true.
trust me!!





allow life? heh. its subjective. and its sounds 'funny', yeah. but then again - dats the fact. i was talking to Fadzly yesterday - and w/o further asking - he was there standing and telling me whole shitty thang about problems in life he's facing. family, life, work.  i remember i was jst sittin me, smiling. and listening. i din say a word. apparently he looks like he was lookin out someone to talk to - like ages. 


and i remember i am wishing for a plain chit chat over the meals, rather than those.


he was talking on and on as if dia lupa aku was there in front of him. hahaha.. and as usual, the conversation ended up like, 'ko rasa mcmana eh, Shah?'



---


allow life. i believe dat we can achieve, if we allow. we hav to stop striving to get it (life dat is), and we gotta start living i. everythg is alrdy there w/in our reach pun. jst dat we dun knw dat it is. or perhaps, kita buat2 tak nampak la kot. instead of grasping for wat we desire, lovingly and confidently allow ourselves to experience it.


i remember to keep telling myself to stop hiding behind my doubts. if i hav any, i jst hav to sit down, and deal wit it. and get on wit life. and dats wat i've been telling Fadzly, semlm. we goota choose to richly live wat we love.


all of life is available to us now. we jst gotta let go the fears, and let the best possibilities blossom into magnificent reality. we gotta welcome dis day, and al it brings. we gotta embrace dis moment by giving our most enthusiastic attitude, and effort to it.


allow our beautiful, unique life to unfold. we can then feel the pure, authentic love at ur center - and let it pull u ever forward.


---


scary? pls dun be. those r jst words. sounds easy, yeah. but u never knw how easy life wld be, if u allow life. God sake.







Thursday, November 15, 2012

nyte!













often - honesty is not easy. its subjective. yet ultimately - honesty is much easier than dishonesty. being dishonest is never worth a price u must pay. and it is impossible to be truly at peace when ur livin a lie.


wit each bit of dishonesty, u narrow ur options. eventually, u squeeze urself into a corner from which there is no escape.


a commitment to honesty puts the power of truth on ur side. and i believe dat honesty as well, expands ur options and gives durability to ur relationships. bein honest wit others compels u to be honest wit urself. and it is only when ur honest wit urself - dat u can fulfil ur awesome positive possibilities.



deceit can often be tempting. yet honesty is always the best path. i knw sometimes we cant help ourselves - but then again - live wit truth and u truly live.



gnyte~







Wednesday, November 14, 2012

2sides.












the two-sides
of everybdy.








there will be a time, when u jst feel - dat there is a bloody big fight is happening inside of urselves - between the two sides dat everyone in dis whole wide world hav em. u will be jst lost, between wat u do really wanna do, and wat do the world, wants u to do. and even more - u will be wondering - y r u doin dat after all? wat is the reason of bein in ere after all?


i mean - do u understand wat i am tryin to say? for literally, i am not.


the two sides of u - will start givin u advices, exactly when u feel lost, or when u feel dat u need advices. a lot of tots will come to ur mind - and for a moment, everythg will seem too weird to do (actually), and u will feel dat u dun like anyone in dis life. and maybe - u will jst hate the life dat ur actually living in.


dis is happening (or used to happen) to almost everybdy. i knw how it is. and i am sure u knw it too. exactly when u wanna giv up - or when u dun wanna move forward anymore. 


exactly, when u dun wanna live the rest of ur life.. anymore.


but - inside everyone of us - theres a lil shine dat come from out hearts, dat lil shine - maybe will be too significant for us to see - when the bad side of us, is controlling us - and dat makes us waste a lot of time. and lose a lot of ppl around us.. those who r closed and care about us.


i mean - wat i am tryin to say is - no matter how good ur as a person, or how 'clean' ur heart is - one time - the dark side of ur heart will try to control u. and sometimes he does. and we jst - shld be stronger enuff to take him down. and see all the loves around us.



*yawn.








un-br8abl.














sometimes, we jst find ourselves fighting alone. wit unexpected way when everyone who was besides us once - will be gone. when all those sweet words and such - leave u nthg but to wonder. wit a really weird way - we jst find ourselves fighting against em all. but dat - dat shld teach us somethg. a thang or two. and it taught me a lot of thgs, actually.


it taught me dat waiting ppl is always the wrong choice. it taught me dat expecting thgs from ppl is also - always the wrong choice. i dun knw abut u - but i must say dat it taught me dat i shld never, never let ppl control me, becoz believe it or not - ppl want to do dat, all the friggin time. so dat they'll feel better wit their pathetic self. and they'll feel superior.


while u knw ur way better. and worth a while.


wat i wanna say say is - ppl, or most of them, at least - will let u down and leave u fighting on ur own, and u will probably feel bad, feel sad and u wil feel like ur not good enuff. for anythg at all.


but u must realize dat once u control ur life - and once u understand dat expectin thgs from ppl will be a reason for u to feel like u shldnt feel - and once u knw dat ppl will always let u down if u spend time waitin for ppl. once u understand dat - u'll feel free. stronger. and u'll jst feel dat u dun hav to deal wit a lot of bulshyte, rubbish and a lot of emotion problems.


but bey - we r not ere to hate anyone dun we? theres no use to keep the hatred grows in u - for it'll kill u instead. forgiv and forget - sounds so ideal, but dats the way it is. or perhaps - forgiv and walk away, dat'll make u feel better. to forget? dats another thang.


dun u ever forget dat controlling ur life and bein unbreakable against ppl wont mean anythg - if we keep wasting out time in hating others. we love. we care. we smile. but we dun expect anythg from anyone.


for dats the way life is. 







hardest thg.
















sometimes there thgs in our life dat arent meant to stay. nothg last forever - u've heard dat before. and so do i. heard it too many times it numbs my head alrite. sometimes - change may not be wat we want in life. the life itself. ur work. frens around u. ur love ones. and many more.


and sometimes - sayin goodbye is the hardest thg u think u'll ever hav to do.. but sometimes, its sayin 'hello again' dat breaks u down and makes u the most vulnerable person on earth, u'll ever knw.


and sometimes - change is too much to bear - but most of the time, change is the only thg saving ur life.


and i believe in dat.








Tuesday, November 13, 2012

argkh.












owh shut up
u sicko.







i knw. and i am not goin to deny it pun. i do think dat i am putting on more wts then before. and its sickening. i hardly eat - wit the tot of dat will help me to reduce the wt watever not. but then again - i knw, God sake - i knw dat is not goin to help pun. i skipped meals only to see me eating like a horse. a horse, mind u.


i tried to take breakfast nowadays. mcm dulu2 time kecik2, time mak jaga aku kat kg. but then again - its too hassle. sakit prot. and most of the time - aku hardly hav time for it pun. and aku mkn at 10am - wit frens at work. then aku skipped lunch. by 5pm - aku dah pjg lidah ke tanah lapar.. basically, kalo aku ke gym - aku had no energy since tak mkn. btol2 rely on shake or protein drink. i knw dat is not good, but stupidly me - i din do nthg about it. skip meals = loss wt. bulshyte.


mlm - aku jrg mkn. kalo mkn pun - as early as 7pm, or seblm Maghrib. tak dak masalah sgt since.. mlm je pun. a mug of warm milk pun dah cukup. but then again - i am cheating myself. i still hav dis urge to eat.. prot rasa mcm 'kosong kosong kosong kosong anak Pak Latip' and ended up aku mght merayau in vain to the pintu fridge and do wat i shld do. dammit. 


Yus and Fina kat ofc selalu perli2 aku - taking all sort of supplement 'tp ko still mkn tak hengat', and aku jst buat muka poyo, or paling busuk - making a joke out of it. they'll laugh at the joke (or is it at me) and off thy dun remember a thang. a few fren of mine - yg jrg2 jmpak pun selalu ckp dat 'ur so out of proportion'. proportion my arse. jst tell me dat i am fat. senang sket kot. huargkhhh.


aku punggah bwh katil bilik bujang aku - looked ou for the wt scale. berabuk, tp still ada bateri. aku cldnt remember when was the last time aku climb on it well, and get scaled. and tonite - i did it again. no. to frank - i am not proud it God sake. i am sooooooo not proud of it, hell yeah!! BMI aku dah overweight, and my ideal wt shld be like 57 to 69kg. i was like.. wat the fcuk? dat much? how am i goin to.. argkh. aku tutup the application, and pi dapur. kali ni, jst a plain drink je. hahaha.. now i feel a bit kurus, yeap yeap. 


bley?


dis is important for me. i mean - not jst the BMI, the looks. tp the general health. aku dun want to ended up wit mcm2 pykt - sakit lutut, sakit pinggang et all, jst becoz of overwt. worst to think of - HPT, DM and such. Ya Allah, mintak simpang!! and its about self esteem too, my self-confidence. 


damn. i think too much. eh? no? argkh.










Wednesday, November 7, 2012

semlm.








done wit marking and such at the office semlm around 9ish - aku terus drive home. but then again, the tot of havin a lepak time and Tutti Frutti - aku cant help it. instead of driving home.. aku terus to The Garden, sebelah AEON Kinta City tu. surprisingly, Tutti Frutti dah tadak kat situ. jenuh aku pusing around dat particular area - tp non-hadoo. i swear to God i knw where it at, i had my dose there like so many times pun.. but then again - it was not there, any longer. beside - Ayam Penyet around dat pun dah tadak. and PappaRich? dah PappaMia? wtf? heh. lama sgt ke aku tak kuar rumah? sigh.


rushing, aku start kete.. and terus head for Medan Gopeng. aku remember there is a new Tutti Frutti outlet there, kalo tak silap. and as usual - jln ke Medan Gopeng, dah nak tengah mlm pun - still sibuk mcm gampang. aku penat, lapar, craving. and yes, finally aku jumpak Tutti Frutti - sebelah Seng Heng. had myself a medium size, wit toppings.. and damn. 


de-stressing urslf never been dat good, dat way - trust me.


around 10.30pm - smpai rumah. still in baju keje, kasut keje etc. rasa mcm time keje kat KL dulu2 je. kuar seawal2 pagi, balik selewat2 mlm - in same baju suar bagai. aku mandi, solat, jumped into the boxer.. and instantly - aku had dis rush of 'rasa penat yg amat' out of sudden - and i had no choice - except hitting my sack. no idiotbox, no nothg. 


5am, aku dah bgun. mandi solat, iron baju, siap2 and i am in the ofc now. and again - the cycle starts. erm, pathetic aye? i gez i need a break. dis same, monotonous kinda routine is killin me. 


owh, happy Wetnesday guys! see u around.








Tuesday, November 6, 2012

puke-able.















peak of the sem. i knw its supposed to be the end of every thg - but for us, dis is it. dis is the time when u gotta hav all the nerve in the world - the 'ilmu' where u can 'tangkis' watever u dun wanna do in life, and practice ur 'ilmu ghaib' as well. not for me la kot. but some of us. me? kdg2 i hav to say 'no' when i dun think i am capable to cope wit all thgs in a time.


dis is the time when u gotta put urself aside, ur fmly or watever the fcuk dat is - and work come first. marking dr awal pg smpai mlm, running the bloody OSCE, dealing wit exams, stdnts affairs, induction, routines and all the unnecessary biz yg muncul last2 minit. and the worst part is - havin ppl around u yg tak fhm2 how bad it is for u. haih. i hav to confess thgs r gettin worst lately - when all the big shoots up there knew the whole shyte, but do nthg at all for its not for em yg hav to deal wit all these - its the kuli batak like us yg up side down. i am not complaining, or perhaps u can say so (yet i dun giv it a flyin fcuk pun, trust me). i think.. i think - dis is the shyte u hav to deal when ur havin some kinda ppl yg non-academician up there - all they knw is havin fun and such - go to hell wit the quality of the product, et al. tak ckp susah. ckp and u'll push in the freezer. all they knw - program dis program dat.. all the bullshyte non-academical, jemput dis Minister and dat, and make u do thgs yg bangang2.


ntah la. aku dah mula bosan.


i think i am doin ok, w'pun sometimes aku cldnt stand rasa geram and sakit hati. i gez aku hav to brace myself la kot. 


i am praying so dat i'll be a strong person, and will be able to go thru dis - well.