Thursday, September 27, 2012

fatigue.










but where?
when? how?






and right there - out of nowhere - i feel like travelling, again.
and dis time - its not to run away from somethg, or anythg..
dis time - theres somethg to run to.

or maybe - it is all jst part of the same thg, goin
round and round and round.
here we go..


heh.
delicious anticipation.







Wednesday, September 26, 2012

2 days to go!











aku cepet pic neh kat FB ko.







lagik dua hari, my 2wks course is done. literally, i cant wait to get rid off it - and go on wit life, since aku hav so many thgs tertangguh bcoz of dis course. but then again - in the other hand - seronok plak kursus mcm neh; u gotta come to class, sit ur arse down, listen to the lecture (its the hardest part - but i dun think it is dat bad pun), go on wit the group work (aku love dis part), get it presented (lagik aku suka), and gain all the new thgs in the world (plus some old thang, which i need some kinda refreshment ofkoz). and yes, makan ikut time. hehe


aku, Jack, Kak Ida, Madam Ang and Dorakes - we clicked together so nicely; dat i think we r the best group around - each time keje berkumpulan and presentation - we r kinda group yg paling menonjol. beside Teo nye kumpulan lah - all girls, giler2 - and they sit behind us. kumpulan aku - over all, 3 org je lelaki (plus Mr Vinthai the Mr Monitor) me and Jacky. and jst imagine - me and Jacky in a group, sit btul2 dpn lecturer (first row), dpn LCD - yet still bley sembang2, kecoh2 and dominate the whole situation. i gez dats y the others panggil aku and Jack 'notti boy' and such. and we had like all the best lecturer around - Dr Kadeessa, Puan Sarimah (shes rawk!) and er, Puan Bilbir. 


except for the last one - aku (i mean - we) hardly knw wats goin around, God sake.


but then again - i learn a lot. i mean - like really really do learn a lot. berbeza dgn OUM dulu, dis time around - it is much better. tho aku not sure about the future as yet, i am glad dat i am learning. others wont get the same chance like i do, perhaps - and lookin at dat point, i am blessed. kot.


trow - we'll start to feel the heat. real presentation, evaluation. and on Friday - real teaching evaluation, in front a group of stdnt. aku paired up wit Teo. and basically, we both dah ada plan and we r working out the plan well, insyaAllah. hope thgs will goes well and everythg will be ok.


out for a din din. see u around.










hola.






basically, aku dah penat. bosan pun ada. dis is not the first time aku went such thg. dah few times pun. same ol' shait, dat is.


each time aku write somethg in ere, each time aku update Twitter, FB status - ada plak yg terasa. nape eh? aku wld like to emphazise it again - the blog, the Twitter, FB et al - dats all my mine. its about me, thgs around me, sort of my diary. y wld i bother nak update and spend my precious time - updating thgs, writing stuffs on someone else? even sometimes aku rambling over thgs happened in MY life, generally - ada jgk yg terasa. perhaps - my fault la kot, i wrote it so generally, and nobdy knws its about me pun. but if u did nthg wrong, tak perlu kot, nak terasa bagai.. eh? unless u really meant to me - be it in a good way or another, dat wld be somethg else. 24hrs pun mcm tak cukup for my ownslef to deal thgs in life, and aku wld go spending em on other ppl?


no thanks. 


pls. life is short. the ability for us to expand and broaden up the horizon, see thgs in a good way - plus being less judgmental, wld make thgs better in life. i think. i dun knw. 


i mean no harm. i love writing. i love sharing thgs. tp kdg2 benda2 mcm ni buat aku rasa penat. and menyampah.



hav a pleasant Wednesday.






Tuesday, September 25, 2012

abah.







for the first after all dis while, aku mimpi abah. i dun knw why. and i dun knw how.


all i remember i was there somewhere - i dun even knw where i was at - nbdy around me, and i was kinda scared. worry. the feeling was so intense, i still remember how it is. and abah was there, standing. looking at me - out of nowhere. at the the sight of him - aku feel dis instant relief. abah was jst standing there, in his usual baju melayu, serban - looking at me. smiling. aku called him out - called him out loud. i wanted to get close to him - to at least tgk abah dgn jelas - but i jst cant move. not even a bit. aku ended up standing there, calling out for him again and again. tp abah jst stand still, smiling, and looking at me.


he nodded his head, and he leave me jst like dat - jst exactly like he always did to me. w/o a word. no explanation why. 


azan Subuh, and aku terjaga. i had tears rolling down cheeks. as if i was cryin all nite.


why? so many q's i need some answers for em all. so many thgs i wanna knw. i jst..


al-fatihah.










Monday, September 24, 2012

self-reminder.






dats is.


i gotta remind myself to stop seekin validation from ppl who refuse to see or appreciate benchmarks outside of their bloody, freakin narrow lil definition. if i dun necessarily want to be like em, then y shld i play according to their stupid benchmark?


its not like i dun knw dis, of koz i do. but sometimes a lil swift kick of a self-reminder mght do me good. play by ur own ruler, create ur own environment, control ur own goalpost.


if not, then u will always be chasing a ghost of someone else's dream.


part of life, eh?







jst close ur eyes..















i remember tears streaming down ur face
when i said i'll never let u go
when all those shadows almost killed ur light
i remember u said, 'dun leave me here alone'
but all dats dead and gone and passed tonite


jst close ur eyes
the sun is goin down
u'll be alrite
no one can hurt u now
come morning ight
u and i'll be safe and sound


dun u dare look out ur window darling
everythgs on fire
the war outside our door keeps raging on
hold on to dis lullaby
even when the music's gone

jst close ur eyes
the sun is goin down
u'll be alrite
no one can hurt u now
come morning light
u and i'll be safe and sound


jst close ur eyes
the sun is goin down
u'll be alrite
no one can hurt u now
come mornin light
u and i'll be safe and sound..






'safe and sound'
taylor swift feat the civils wars
ost the hunger games












..
















weird, aye?












ayam itik.








time and again i am astounded by how hard it is for the ppl to empathise wit ppl wit different background, different world-views,  different needs etc etc. and even in the same organization, same cultural background, same language, same industry - but different way of thinking and doin thgs.


everyone is jst goin at it from a "wat i need only" point of view. who cares if wat i need is not good fo u? u care? mother care? erm, dats somethg else. but i am tryin to say now is - even if wat is good for u will bring money for the complany. or organization. i think ppl jst dun like any sort of change watsoever, in terms of wat they hav to practice, in terms of thinking process and in terms of stakeholders dat they hav to take into consideration.


wow. ur gettin scared now, eh? darn i am a lil bit too serious? hahaha.. tapi betol kan?


is wat is good for the those, good for the gander? and more importantly, how did dat phrase even come about?


i really dun knw. but i wat i do knw is dat, if only ppl r more empathatic, the world wld be such a better place. but yeah - dats truly ideal. and even so, i am sure there wld be a cost to too much empathy.. or is there?


now i am not sure if wat i am doin now - for life, is a better choice or it isnt. sigh.










ol' shait.








so many tots/ some new information needing to be sort out. some, same ol' shait. distressing bits ere and there. little fragments bunching up together, swirling around in my periphery. ganging up on me wit few straggling epiphanies.


heh. semua ni buat nyemak je. buat kepala otak aku jerebu semata-mata. at time like dis. sigh.


pusing pusing pusing. feel like my whole world is goin round and round. i need to explain it, but wld u care? i need to sort it out, but then - how? and i need to categorise it, God sake. slap a numbered sticker on it. make a big label upon each segment. but darn i jst dun knw how. i jst..


too many talks. and jst when i feel like i see the next step in the ladder, it falls down again.


and suddenly, the last conversation of the nite/morning. no new information, no analysis. all i need is jst a pure comfort. 


and then - i am home again.


sigh.








Sunday, September 23, 2012

nyte.









spent my whole afternoon, after the office at Rumah Anak Yatim Darussalam. reached home by Maghrib. so many thgs in mind - aku feel so bad myself, and aku rindu kan abah. aku hav been complaining a lot about life, about everythg - aku forgot to thank God for all the petty thgs He gives me. i was lookin for a bigger picture in life, aku lupa how sweet all those small lil thgs yg contribute way better thgs in life. aku had a great time there, dgn anak2 yg berlainan background - there for so many different reasons. 


aku used to do dis a lot way back then waktu aku kerja kat Taiping - but in a different scenario. a volunteer kat rumah orang-orang tua - its different, but its the same context. perhaps i shld be doin dis a lil bit more - so aku will get to knw more of life, get to knw myself way better.


u never knw how fortunate ur, until ur surrounded by those who r not.


gnyte.






Saturday, September 22, 2012

mok-mok.














yeap, aku tau.
still gemok. esp tang prot. 2days in a row buat sit up,
ari ni langsung tak bley buat - it hurts like freakin hell. nak batuk pun agak2.
aku dun really mind the shape.
i jst need to lose some weights - badly.











eh?







these tots of mine can never meet the person dat they r intended for. so i need to release em in another direction before they cross paths. jgn sekali-kali saper2 pun terasa. dis is not for u ppl out there.


er, i mean - kalo ye pun.. apa salahnya, eh? hahaha


and wit dat;



  • i wish u wld grow up and act ur age and capacity
  • i wish u wld get a grip and stop blaming everyone else
  • i wish u wld not let ur bias affect ur judgement onto other ppl
  • i wish u wld hav a better justification of y u do the thgs dat u do, God sake.
  • i wish dat u wld actually think. like, really do think.
  • i wish dat u wld realise dat the thgs dat u hate in other ppl, u hav the most of it in urself.
  • i wish dat ur not so racist.. esp since ur of mixed parentage. like, 50% X + 50% Y. and ur racist towards Y. or X. or both. eh, pls lah. how is dis even possible?
  • i wish u wld not get angry at ppl for doin thgs less than perfectly.. esp since if u were in their position u wld probably do worse than em
  • i wish u r not so emotional wit so many thgs so many times
  • i wish u wldnt provide so much confirmation of a particular stereotype
  • i wish u wld think how ur emotional affect the ppl around u, esp the ppl who need to rely on u, in ur capacity
  • i wish u r more fair in how u treat ppl
  • i wish u wldnt go around and spread stories about me, pretending as if u knw me so well.. no, i dun need dat.
  • i wish u wldnt need to consult anyone else, at all - yg hardly kenal aku (and aku pun tak kenal), and asked em dis and dat regarding me.. then ckp aku bukan2. duh.
  • i wish u wld stop frigging judgin me - eh, ko mak aku ke?
  • i wish u wldnt call me jst to vent about other ppl.. and esp when i repeatedly expressed how uncomfortable i was to be in dat position bcoz of the nature of the vent and dat i cant comment on anythg - u jst said dun say anythg, jst listen. ko ingat aku ni tiang letrik ke haper.
  • i wish u din msg me how angry u were at how other ppl din act as per ur expectation.. and when i tried to clarify, u called me by my full name (siap address nama bapak aku) and effectively to me dat u cannot trust me. anymore. like, wat the fcuk?
  • thank u for all the good thgs u hav done for me, but i wish u were somebdy i can rely on w/o havin the need to babysit u. pheww..


gnyte.







ikut logik ye..







kat ofc ptg tadik.



"hmm kalo ikut logik, password mmg la kena 8 character. yg ni 7 character je.."

"tapi.. ye lah, saya tau. saya dah guna 3 thn dah password neh, tadak pe pe pun. hari ni je mcm *censored*.."

"hahaha.. iya la, tp.. kalo ikut logik, En. Shah.. mmg password kena 8 character.."




*forced laughter*




"ah hem hem hem itu ikut logik, utk korang (IT Dept.) lah.. ah hem hem hem saya.. manalah saya nak tau.. (kalo tak accept, cemaneh aku bley log in PC la ka?)"


"ikut logik, mmg kena 8 character, En. Shah.. Encik cuba try tgk (elaborating few troubleshooting steps) and then restart. kalo tka bley jugak, kena tunggu Monday la untuk log in number, eh?"


"Ok!".




*mencharot dlm ati*












wad.















dah semggu mak teh msuk wad. shes a diabetic on insulin wit ophthalmology nye  complications. and ni baru aku smpt dtg tgk.

tu pun mak mtk tlg dtg lwt behalf of her. aku mmg nak dtg. tp eventually lah, kot. or maybe, aku liat sket nak dtg. aku syg pak teh/mak teh aku, tp theres incident happened - and aku syg fmly aku, mak aku even more.

tak pa lah. aku dtg tgk jap. mak suruh. since mak teh post-op her mata, bet she cldnt see muka aku cemaneh. munchung ke tak. aku tak ngeluh. aku jst ikut perintah. after all, mak teh is adik abah. mak cik aku. aku tadak isu apa2 pun dgn dorang. hehe

shafiqah ckp pak su dtg pg tdi. heh, bgus lah. aku mls lah nak amek tau. dr aku bsg2 tmbh dosa, baik aku diam.


nsb aku pakai proper. ramai pulak stdnts wad neh.







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grow up!






No 1 : No 2, u need to grow up, ok. i mean - jst grow up.

No 2 : (stares ahead petulantly)

No 1 : no, really. u really need to grow up. heh.

No 2 : wat if i dun wanna grow up? how?

No 1 : well, then. dat jst means dat ur expressin ur individuality. and while dats not the ultimate pinnacle of maturity, dat is still a measure of growin up - if ur an amoeba.

No 2 : *dammit*








red.








red flag. warning sign.


yrs of experience of a certain nature can not-so-slowly, but surely - accumulate and cement the building blocks of a defense system. defense system are there for a reason, as we know. u know y, rite? and so do i. but the paranoid cna jst as easily defend the system against the good tgs alongside the bad thgs.


depending on wat ur goin for, dis may or may not be a good thang. but somethg tells me dat its not.


in any case - some intel mght be the order of the day.


hav a pleasant weekend, ppl.









jst close ur eyes..











woke up to dis
good morning!







if u ask me..










nyte!





Friday, September 21, 2012

fly-day, fry-day, friday.










so ere i am, sitting at my meja study on the last day of the week (it is Friday, fyi). Pengarah, Ketua Program and other immediate variety of vocation pressure on to me of a physical nature. and wat do i do? jst about the same ol'stuff dat i do on any other dat i am not goin out on the pretext of "work-dat-i-hav-to-finish-up".


which is - "NOT-DOING-it".


apalah nak jadi dgn aku neh. baik aku ikut je kuar by the time Ajak called tadi ajak ngeteh kat mamak area Giant tadi. aku turned it down since "byk keje la Ajak..", and now aku nyesal. everyone's off galivanting to some sale ere and there, mall, wayang etc. tp aku? but actually ye, honestly sometimes its jst nice to stay in.


but not like dis la kot.


---


and still - work moves like a snail stoned on.. well, some sort of substance abuse.


dammit, i like my work. my real work, dat is. not until all dis bulshait kinda responsible comes in. mmg serabut. coz every once in a while, i wanna be Zooney Deschanel. there, i said it. i dun mind an old me bein dat way. i jst wanna hav dat cute brunette bags and clear blue eyes. and the complexion to go wit. and the legs for those adorable dresses.


nah, hamek kau. stream of conscious writing. count ur lucky stars i am writing it now after an early din din. or perhaps; u'll be hearing about the various virtues of burger of Double Cheese Burger - for a supper.










*menguap*









 





yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawn.


 



4th day of TOT. and literally, i feel like a Zombie. a dead-walkin Zombie. or Jombie, as Damia called it. aku mengantuk, dr semlm lagik - tp i cldnt sleep. dun ask me y, coz i am not sure y. crashed around 11pm, 2am dah bgun and aku tak tdo dah since then. golek2 kat sofa bwh tgk tv, do some reading, naik turun naik turun, siap watered the plants luar rumah lagik. 


but i thanked God tadak security guard yg dtg suluh aku and askin me wat the heck i am doin at dat particular time.


mati lar aku ngantuk kang dlm kelas. dah la duduk dpn sekali. "notty boi sit infront" as Cik Tan the kursus organizer told me on the first day. argkh. and lookin at the tentative - darn its not gonna help. haiyoooo..


keje kat ofc still byk menimbun. these coupla days, abes je kursus by 4pm or somethg - aku mls tgk pe2 dah atas meja aku.. as Ameer said, "eh, aku kursus kan?" mcm tu. hahaha.. tp each time aku came to the meja sendiri, aku rasa nak perosok masuk bwh meja and sawan.


assembly today. tp aku kursus, kan? so wat the heck? (post comel wit molot muncong2 mcm itik.. bley?)


hav a good day, guys! cya.








flyin pffttt.












pffffttt..




lately, i've been angry a lot. or maybe upset. or maybe frustrated. of coz, there r happy bits ere and there, every now and then - and judging from how some ppl r pleasant to me, i'd say dat there r times when i must actually look like a pleasant, normal, no-angry person. so at least, its not a 24/7 kind thang.



maybe its jst one of those breaking point times, where the smallest thgs wld set a person off - once u've been internalising so much. i dun like bein at dis point. who does? i am not, God sake. its a very dangerous point to be at, for other ppl to be around me and also for me - to be me. obviously - anger clouds all sorts of judgement. 


really, i try to keep it at bay. a consistently angry and bitchy person in certainly no fun (or productive) to be wit. hell yeah, the sarcasm mght be entertaining tho.. (if ur not at the recipient end of it, obviously).


but my owh my, dealing is tuff. processing all dis bloody murky, toxic junk swirling coercive in ur blood system.. sigh. it take a lot of stayin still, categorising ur tots and taking long, deep fcukin breaths. all while tryin to remember to not let it change the landscape of ur easily changed face. the last thg i need is scowl-lines before i even celebrating my next bird-day.


but now i think of it - dis whole upsetting feelin is not jst bcoz of event triggers - or negative comments from ppl etc. i think part of the reason is dat when i realise the world is more judgemental than i wanted to believe - i started to become more private to myself. i started to keep thgs to myself. wat i do, wat my tots, opinions and choices r, how i feel about thgs. too many ppl hav too may strong opinions about too many thgs dat affect lives of ppl who they dun giv it a flyin fcuk about.


apathy seems like the path which requires the least amount of energy. os so dat was wat i tot.


darn i feel better now. gotta hit the shower now. and solat Subuh.





pre-wee hrs.








tangan gatal nak menulis. tp tak tau nak tulis apa. laptop aku yg dah berumur tu, rosak plak and aku dah anta kat Azmil IT-tech ofc aku. and guna dis notebook.. sigh.


lately, the insides of my head has been playing host to a whole slew of half-baked tots. seems like nthg much has changed in my abilities to process my trains of tots since i was a teenager. i always take a while. and i always get a nagging feeling wat writing it out wld help somehow. as if writing wld be the spring-cleaning of all the junk in my whole head - all categorised into boxes labelled "keep", "buang je lah!" and "misc. 1", "misc. 2", "misc. 3"..


aside from writing about the stuff which bothers me a lot, or stuff which i hope will elevate my thinking to better platform (heh, tak de lar sampai mcm Greek philosopher punya level, kot.. jst getting myself out of a dog running around in circles tryin to catch its own tail je..), i also want to write about stuff dat i've been reading, watching, or thgs i went thru like everyday. sucks. i knw. and its ok. to record, to externally mull and to set in stone the (harap-harap positif lah!) effects dat it had on me. i suppose knwing wat a forgetful person i am - i also do not want to knw dat i've spent hrs on somethg, jst to forget about it. i mght as well spent those hrs doin fcuk-all.


2.30am in the morn. and wat the heck i am doin in ere?    :-(


maybe my head will get clearer in a few hrs time. maybe? sigh.








Thursday, September 20, 2012

eh?











wat??




they say.. "if u never question urself, then theres smthg wrong wit u."


i suppose i tot dat after a while, the whole day today.. we wldnt question the same thgs dat we've been questioning all these while. after all, i do feel faintly more stable, in terms of how i emotionally process matters. wait. perhaps, or so i tot. maybe.. maybe, i've been out of practice for certain issues, dat when i faced wit it, i feel like a deer caught in headlights. 


so - maybe we are meant to revisit certain thgs, over and over again. i tot dat growing up (dammit, or maybe.. growing old) meant growing wiser. dats wat we gav up youth for, kan? to hav more wisdom, to be more certain God sake, and to be more at home - wit urself?


maybe.. maybe, it jst means bein more comfortable wit questioning urself. i am not sure hether its wort the extra wrinkles. sigh.


---


sorry. to many entries, for a day i knw. and sorry - i had too many thgs running up there - in head.




ass-u-me.








i hav to admit. i tend to hav a short attention span, lately. tgk lah, how many books i am in the mid of and how many different thgs can interest me at one point. i love project-based work precisely becoz it promises to be intersting, wit thgs coming dis-a-way and dat. i dun mind the challenges. and darn i hate doin the same shait, again and again. 


but pp r different to me. it distresses me if a person dat i am used to, changes. when i meet a new person/ppl - i try to keep as open-minded as possible. but logically after a point of time, i rely on a pattern of his/her/their behavior, the like and dislikes, preferences etc. to a certain extent, it involves an amount of assumption - which may annoy some ppl. especially those who like to keep a lil bit of 'mystique'. 


but hey, wat can u do?



it is especially difficult if ur to 'serve' dat person. i understand dat ppl do not like to explain emselves over and over. oh wait, let me correct dat. ppl like to talk about emselves over and over - but ppl do not like to explain their preferences too many times. is it? 


so - the logical thg to do - is to be observant, learn as much as possible, i.e gather input data. next - analyse some correlations and factors surrounding subject matter. then - draw up a pattern made from the info.


ok. dat face. its funny to see me bein so academical eh?



consequently, continue drom dis point into a trajectory - is the point when we first start assuming dat thgs will be continue in said pattern. so if there is no action made to amend the inital input data when changes happen - continuing in dis fashion will jst make an  ASS out of U and ME.


see, i remember! hehe





Thors-heh-day!







3rd day TOT course, today. we r basically divided into 2 kumpulan besar, Apiz and Amer kumpulan sebelah. next week - full time, for the whole week. semlm tadak kelas. thank God. aku harap, on the weekend ni pun tadak la. aku tak kisah pun kalo coupla hrs, tp kalo whole day, for the whole weekend, i am gonna be dead, standing. its weekend, hell yeah. watdya xpct? but then again - aku thank God sebab w'pun kumpulan aku most of em makcik2 (aku and Mr Vinthai je non-makcik - dat is, lelaki), i think they r rock. its like sekali-sekala kuar dr ofis. they r so different.

except for my Mr 'Ketua Monitor' kumpulan - so skema. and err.. nvm. eh, not me ok.


darn aku still teringat2 salad aku mkn semlm kat SR. sedap la plak. haih.


btw - happy Thors-Day! u go kickin butts, ya. hav a pleasant day ahead. chiao.








Saturday, September 15, 2012

back home.





finally aku kat rumah ngah. not my kampung, tapi mak kat sini. and soleh anh the whole fmly of us. aku rindu kan Kubu Gajah. rumah mak abah. tp mak kat sini, aku gez dats all dat matters.

sampai ipoh around 1pm. aku terus balik rumah. aku still ngantuk, tho all along the way dlm ets - like most of the time, aku tdo. except where aku tertekan dgn dengkuran mamat sebelah aku.. plus mamat seberang sana yg dok flip2 rambut mcm gampang, amd talked about himslf, his hair like most of the time - to a gal beside her. puke.

aku solat, mandi and nap. aku telepon mak awal2 bgtau aku bertolak lepas asar. mak ckp amek masa.. mak tnya nak mkn pe, and aku ckp.. tak pa la. apa2 pun ok. and gez wat? by the time aku nak smpai rumah ngah - ngah atelepon suruh aku singgah terus kedai beli ubi kentang. ubi kentang. wow. aku sengih ear to ear.

otw seblm smpai Bagan Serai, Soleh called. dia kat kubur abah. dia tnya if aku nak singgah - aku singgah jap, tahlil ringkas utk abah. aku rasa sayu. dah few weeks aku tak dtg jengah kubur abah. tho aku tak pernah lupa kan abah - doa etc, tp the presence beside abah was way different. aku rindu sgt2 kat abah..

mak masak gulai ikan sardin tin. my fav. sah2 aku bertambah mkn nasik mlm ni. pedulik la. nanti balik Ipoh, aku diet. kuah gulai sardin, ikan masin dah cukup bg aku. mak seronok tgk aku and Soleh balik. and ofkoz, aku glad as well.

esok aku, mak and adik2 akan naik kan batu nesan utk kubur abah. dah 1bln 2mggu abah tinggalkan kami..





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Sunday, September 9, 2012

beg-kecik-beg-besar.











argkh!



seriously - aku hate packing thgs for travel. be it for official or leisure, aku fail. aku had dis tendency nak bwk like semua brg along - tho awal2 lagik dah bear in mind - dat aku need to travel lite. the beg-kecik-beg-besar is the most hideous thg i need to face, every time. 


kalo for leisure, maybe not dat much la kot. tp kalo for owrk, official - lagik teruk. last time aku siap ada check-list ok, jst in case kalo nanti aku tertinggal thgs aku needed. tp skang - tadak dah la check-list2 neh, mcm mengarut plak aku rasa. so - thgs dah tersenarai dlm otak aku. kalo 5 hari bekerja - lima pasang bju/suar keje, tie, belt, tie-pin, sapu tgn, pen keje, socks, kasut.. 5 hari kejra, tak kan bwk kasut keje spsg je kot eh? hahaha.. tu belum jam tgn lagik.. and baju2 after work, utk tdo etc. haiyo. dats y aku never let anyone pack for me - not even my mum. payah. kang silap kaler, silap mix-match, tak jumpak tali pinggang, socks lain kaler.. cemaneh?


i knw. sounds scary. even u mght think dat i am krazi. or perhaps - ni OCD ke haper? tp, dat was jst me. and kain baju sumer aku seniri urus, so ko ak pyh la takut kot? haha


done packing for the trip, dis time around. for a week, in KL. for edit soalan. 5 hari bekerja. and aku managed to make it simple - satu beg roda medium size je, and a bag-pack utk aku bwk netbook aku and few files and books. 4 baju keje, satu batik, 3 suar pgj, byk suar kecik. tie 4 kaler, yg lain2 mcm biasak. sumer suar itam, so tak pyh aku bwk kasut keje lain kaler. hehehe..


bangga aku weh. thank God aku tak bwk kete. aku tau, kalo aku bwk kete, sah2 lagi teruk. mak aku once said, 'ko ikat je la lemari belakang kete tu.. senang'. bley? kejs tau.


dah settled. bley pi mandi, and tunggu si Apez dtg amek. awal lagik kot.


owh shyte, mp4 blum charge! argkh.









Saturday, September 8, 2012

Muaz, for the last time.








a long day yesterday. despite of pergi kerja - aku siap2 ke Temerloh wit Ajak, Haji Mohsin and 8 of my own stdnts to Allahyarham Muaz nyer rumah - to see his family, settle coupla thgs, and pay him a last respect. aku shldve went earlier last 31/8, but i was in Putrajaya - dat i hav to call his dad, mintak maaf since aku tak dpt hadir by the time they brought jenazah home.


around 12pm, sampai Temerloh. bley tahan perjalanan - around 5hrs. lalu ikut Genting, Karak etc. Hj Hassan - the father dah tunggu awal lagi tepi jalan for us, and kami terus ke pusara Muaz. still baru. cuku seminggu. kami baca tahlil ringkas ramai2, and his father doakan tahlil at the end of it. he was weeping away, and everyone of us went silent, and i knw most of us struggling wit our ownself. aku cant help my self - aku had tears running down my cheeks. kita selalu dgr anak2 mendoakan ibu bapa, and we cried while doing dad - but dis is different. a father - whom yg obviously still in shock - cryin while berdoa; mengharapkan kesejahteraan roh anaknya, kebajikannya, ketenangan dan kebahagian di alam barzakh. its different. way different. 


solat Jumaat first, after tahlil. kat Masjid Kg Bukit Lada. its a small surau actually, tp di naik-tarafkan jadi masjid. Hj Hassan awal2 lagik dah bgtau aku and Ajak 'jgn terkejut tgk bilangan jemaah JUmaat nanti', kinda thang. and we were surprised, ofkoz. tolak rombongan kami - cuma ada 8 org kg je.. dpt 2 saf since kami singgah berjemaah di situ. it came to my surprise dat Kg Sg Cheh and Kg Bukit Lada kat Temerloh ni is soon to be 'a ghost town' (no, it aint a town pun) - populasi makin merosot, and byk rumah2 dah left behind, tinggal kosong. sembahyang Jumaat, wit 17 org je. darurat, i think. and masjid yg ada pun - sgt2 jauh, dat according to Hj Hassan 'kalo tutup surau ni tak buat Jumaat, tak semayang Jumaat la org2 kg sini' kinda thang.


abes Jumaat, Hj Hassan and few org kg drive us masuk kg to allahyarham's house - around 3km dr masjid tadik. and yes - mini bus pun tak bley masuk, since byk pokok2 rendah. i cld see Sg Pahang tepi jalan, sgt2 dkt dgn jalan, jauh ke bwh. scary, it is. aku mintak stdnts2 kumpul brg2 allahyarham, and we had a simple bacaan Yassin untuk allahyarham, before lunch. dats the least we can do. and again - seeing his parents, seeing us all the way melawat keluarga allahyarham - its somethg i cant describe. they really appreciate u. Hj Hassan tak abes2 thanked me and others, for dis and dat. lunch after dat - mskan kampung. ikan patin masak lemak, labu masak lemak, ulam2 and ikan talapia goreng. one word - wow.


aku smpaikan salam Mr Bong and others, plus kutipan sumbangan yg aku kutip coupla days back. the father was at first kinda reluctant to accet, tp aku urge to do so. i keep tellin him for dis is ak nye tanggungjwb, and aku nak buat the best as aku can - for allahyarham, and the fmly. i dun knw - dis mght be the first and the last time aku melawat pusara allahyarham, and the fmly. but one thg for sure - Muaz Hassan Shaari, and the fmly - they will stay in my heart, for a very long time insyaAllah.


Muaz - he is a fine young man. a good young man - selalu ke surau, jadi imam and such. never say 'no' to each time aku mtk tolong. and never kurang ajar dgn aku and others. he is a smart stdnt, sgt IT-wise. byk kali aku anta lappy and notbook aku kat dia - mtk tlg dia re-format and such. and each time aku nak bg duit or belanja mkn since dia dah tolong aku - he'll decline, nicely. 


Muaz, semoga Allah ampunkan segala salah silap, dosa2 sekiranya ada. semoga Allah tempatkan roh allahyarham bersama mereka yg beriman, bertaqwa dan beramal soleh. semoga Allah jadikan alam kubur Muaz, sewangi taman2 di syurga insyaAllah - dan di jauhkan segala siksa kubur dan api neraka, serta sebarang fitnah kubur, hendaknya. ameen, ya Allah.


---


i learn a lot. love. fate. loss. nobdy knws wat become us. those who around u, mght jst left u - jst like dat, at any time, at all. and so do u. so do i. kita jst a plain hamba kat dunia ni, milik Allah semata2. its been a week since Muaz left us. and its been a month since abah left me. seeing Hj Hassan weeping away, mourning for the lost of his lovely son - dammit i knw how it feels, for i had lost my own lovely father before, as well. 

















al-fatihah.







Friday, September 7, 2012

Temerloh.






sleepless nite. for some reasons - or perhaps, i need not to hav one - aku had a tough nite in crashing, God sake. crashed by 10pm somethg, aku still stared into the darkness rite up till 1am, dozed for a while - and by 3am, aku dah wide awake. terrible dat is.


dah kat ofc. called mak otw to the ofc - told her dat i am goin to Temerloh - balik hari. she freaked out a bit - thinkin dat aku wld be driving alone, on my own. and balik hari some more. after knwing dat aku pi dgn few others, she toned down - and 'tak pa la, nanti along tdo je la dlm bus' kinda thang. exactly. dats wat i am gonna do.


packed a small bag. a book. mp4. power station. hp fully charged. a file wit thgs aku need to serahkan kat fmly allahyarham. and a sampul of duit kutipan derma ikhlas - all checked. now aku need to call the others. 7am mini bus will be in.


Ya Allah, permudahkanlah. ameen.









Thursday, September 6, 2012

wat bird?








6hrs of teaching today. not really 6hrs la. initially aku had only 4hrs, tp since Kak Ina mintak aku cover time Ameer (since he is in KL now), so aku took my sweet time - teaching em all on Stress and Health, and Motivation. better off. kalo tak aku akan stuck dlm lab, wit OSCE. 


11am, aku kicked of the second period wit the stdnts. tired of standing on the stage - and being unable to 'reach' for the stdnts yg mengelamun kat belakang, aku decided to step down  and walked about among the stdnts - after like 30mins on the stage. the class went off smoothly, and aku decided to call it off by 12.30pm. aku dismissed the class, walked up back to the stage - and kemas2 brg aku, and only then aku tgk2 hp. a msg from my own stdnt. and he is down there. it was simple. and sweet. it went like, "sir, zip suar sir..". dgn tindakan refleks yg mcm tu je, aku letak hp, and gagau zip suar aku - on the stage, wit the mic belum off. i swear to God bdk2 neh bley dgr (kot) - even tho msg2 sibuk and bising nak kuar dewan - to my 'shyte' swearing on the mic. 


aku look up - and dat stdnt yg msg aku was standing and looking at me in the eyes, wit dat "its ok sir, jst pretend i dun see anythg, at all" kinda look. aku tergamam sekejap. and he went off. and aku was.. shyte, i swear i cld hear ada yg giggling and such.


aku gathered my thgs, and walked out. it was funny. and malu giler at the same time. imagine aku berdiri atas stage, budak2 kat bwh, aku siap ketwok poket dlm tgn - jalan among the stdnts laki and pempuan. Fina ckp maybe bdk2 tak perasan sgt, since aku pakai batik itam, suar itam. and aku pun itam. tp aku nyer inner putih, cemaneh? aku panik jap. Yus ckp if she was me - she'll gantung diri. Mr Anwar asked me if aku perasan ada stdnts pempuan or perhaps - even stdnts laki and mengelamun smbel tgk muka aku during the class. sah2 la aku tatau. 


bengong lah! sekor pun tak membantu.


and at 2pm, aku kena masuk kelas yg sama, budak2 yg sama jgk. u jst imagine.


but then - aku decided to take it lightly. laugh to it. and make the whole class laugh as well. bila aku nak start kelas, tgk few bdk2 dok sengih2 and look at me in one kind - aku decided to stop and do some 'confession' dat they dun hav to be 'risau' since 'saya dah zip suar elok2'. and they laughed out like hell. aku told em, if they ever see thgs they shldve not seen, sthg is not theirs - then 'its a bonus for awak semua' dat 'u cant see dat like everyday'. and again they laughed out loud. so - settled. aku tak lagi malu2, and dorang pun tadak nak sengih2 mcm kerang busuk dpn aku.


by 4pm - aku perambat dorg balik.


5.30pm - erobik. aku conduct dlm 30mins. bdk2 ofc pempuan nak lagu PSY Oppa Gangnam Style - so aku gav em all Oppa Gangnam Style. i had fun, seeing em all had fun as well. lapang jap otak. by 6pm, settled - aku pi gym trus.













wat bird?






---


above all - aku still rasa kosong. jst like mcm anak Pak Latip dok sebut - kosong, kosong.. ulang 40 kali. aku rasa sikit sakit ati tgk hp, theres nthg there. aku try tinggal hp diam2 kat meja, tp aku cant help to go back and see it like every now and then.


sigh.


sumpah aku risau. sumpah aku cant help thinking all sort of shitty thang. aku tau, byk benda lain dlm hidup - keje etc. but then again.. argkh. 



---


esok confirm aku ke Temerloh. Pengarah bg green light and dia bg mini bus for the trip. so aku, Ajak, Mr Bong, abg Mohseen and 8 org stdnts r goin. balik hari. bertolak at 7am, and tatau la smpai wat time. one thg for sure - its goin to be sgt2 penat for trow.


aku managed to kutip around RM900 as derma/sumbangan ikhlas for allahyarham nyer fmly. alhamdulillah. aku tau, duit mght not mean anythg now - to be compare wit the soul lost. tp at least, it is somethg.


gnyte.



















my fly!









shait!





Thors!








its raining. aku decided not to puasa la today. ptg ni kena conduct erobik, and i am havin like whole day wit the stdnts - class and OSCE. w'pun aku bgun like 3.30am in the morn., aku jst golek2, take time ironing baju batik aku for today, pack my thgs, kemas meja stdy, do some marking. by 5am - aku dah lalok, tdo around 1hr, 6am aku dah siap for work.


Bong called me early in the morn - mintak aku jmpak Pengarah, arrange transport and such for trip pi rumah arwah di Temerloh trow morn. duh, dat mean aku kena re-arrange class aku yg 4hrs trow tu to today la.. since esok travelling. tak pe la kot - ada pilot. kalo tak - 5 to 6hrs of driving, and balik ari.. er, not my kind of la kot. so trow, insyaAllah - there'll be 3 lecturers, 4 stdnts goin to Allahyarham Muaz Hassan Shaari - for at least dats the only thg yg aku can do. aku eager to see the parents, as well. earlier - aku dah called the dad - tak payah dtg sini jst nak pick up arwah nyer brg2, dat aku will find out some kinda way, and aku and others will send off all the left behind. at least - aku dpt tlg ringan kan beban the whole fmly - understanding dat jarak yg sgt2 jauh.


gtg. 20mins to 8am. gotta start my day, rite now. u hav a pleasant Thor-sday.










Wednesday, September 5, 2012

puke-able.








finally aku done wit OSCE. imagine stared at 8.15am, ended up at 4.45pm! aku nak muntah darah tgk check list - the same shait again and again. and aku had to deal wit stdnts nye kerenah - the mistakes - be it silly or intentionally. aku tgk muka2 lecturers lain pun masing2 dah bersegi. and dammit i knew i hows dat feels.


we r losing more and more lecturers. Tan Kin Fang - smbg study and on study leave. and so forth wit Karuna, Ameed. wit us yg tinggal - leavin us wit tonnes of shait; stdnts makin ramai, numbers of lecturers tak pernah nyer naik2. and u knw hows dat for us. burn out like hell, u need not to imagine la kot. and aku skang - as the others yg tinggal - we jst do the best as we can, and beyond it - ntah la. masing2 ada limitasi and threshold. 


i love my job. i love wat i am doin now. but sometimes - all dis bulshait around me, suffocates me. and leavin me wit no chance to choose. and chances to grow us up? no. theres no chance, at all. 


unless ur a big-shoot - dats somethg else.


eh, mls lah aku nak fikir. i wld like to think dat i'd love to contribute - as much as i can. and i will do as good as i can. 


5pm. dun feel like off for the gym.. esok je la kot. 







 




ah shit!














 

its Wet-nesday!







done wit gym semlm around 7pm, aku terus balik. a bit penat i hav to say. and the gym - as usual, penuh dgn stdnts and such. masing2 wit the same mission la kot - nak gain back the Ramadhan nye shape post-raya. eh, sama plak dgn mission aku eh? hahaha.. and as usual - aku jst move around, do my thang, and aku leave. aku tau - the stdnts pun tak suka if u go around and do the talking - i had no time to socialize pun. cukup la time kelas.


balik - mandi, dah azan. Maghrib - aku had some simple din din. 2 pieces of daging burger, 2 pieces of roti, a big mug of cold milk. and yeap - protein shake, yuck. duduk jap dpn tv, nthg new. naik atas, tgk some books - did some marking - and aku dah bored to death. by 10pm.. aku dah berkira2 nak masuk tdo. wishing aku wld hav a good sleep. and cukup tdo.


start puasa enam today. as usual - puasa luar Ramadhan can be way tougher. aku tau Ajak, Ameer akan dtg tmpat aku ajak makan. makan pg, lunch. even tea after work. kalo au tadak kat tempat aku - they will definitely call aku. argkh. lari lubang cacing pun tak selamat. tp tak pe. aku gotta be strong. first day ya, ari neh! hahaha.. hope bley tahan smpai azan maghrib.


OSCE again, today. and it'll be tough today since stndts ramai, prosedur byk. mencik. aku dah due pi clinical teaching/visits - re-schedule pun tak jalan2. minggu dpn whole week aku dah tadak in ere. then how?


esok erobik, starts as usual. all these gals kat ofc mintak aku conduct. haih. eh, how about some Oppa? hahaha



 









life!