Sunday, August 26, 2012

Ahad!








woke up by 6am dis mornin. had kinda good sleep - watdya expect, own bed, own place. mandi, solat - and aku decided to off for Padang Polo - perhaps for a jog and erobik kat sana, and perhaps - tgk crowd mcmana. i knw - most of us still raya, still intoxicated dgn lemang kueh raya etc. and to my surprise - ramai jgk yg dtg Padang Polo pg neh - agaknya masing2 dah tahap panik post-raya weight scale dah terbaca reading kot.


as usual - aku stuffed my both ears wit the mp4 - brisk walk, and started jogging for a while. kinda nice seein different faces, new faces around. and a lot of different ppl, gelagat etc. stumbled into few ppl yg aku kenal - hi and bye. masing2 sibuk dgn hal masing2, and so be it la kot. 


aerobic - nthg much. first 2 songs, i was like.. wow, semangat seh! 3rd song, lagu dangdut. aku layan jap. bukan selalu pun. 4th song, pun lagu dangdut.. fine. diversity. aerobic tak semestinya lagu Mat Saleh. but 5th and 6th pun lagu dangdut.. i was like, wtf? nak kata conductor lelaki kat atas pentas tu Indon, tak jugak.. aku kenal. tp sumer lagu dangdut, pe kes eh? aku hilang semangat. aku nyusup to back slowly, and aku blah. aku mmg tka brp favor lagu dangdut. skali sekala tak pe kot. tp like sumer.. eh, mcm bergencok kat kelab dangdut je layaknya. aku tgk makcik2 pakcik2 yg duduk dpn2 makin lama makin kencang hayun bontot masing2.. drp aku loya and pitam kat tgh2 dataran, baik aku blah je.


around 9.30am, aku start kereta and balik. bought somethg for a breakie, trimmed pokok2 kat dpn rumah, kemas2 luar sket, and aku basuh all the kereta. mlm nak heret satu2 pi car wash. and at the same time - aku did the laundry. by the time all done - aku rasa flat giler. 


byk kalori abes neh, bley kot mkn nasik lemak. eh?


ada few jemputan open hse. and aku liat sgt2 nak kuar rumah..


















fine. angle bwh dagu.
sorry lah - tgn tak cukup pjg nak amek btol2
ngadap dpn muka.
hehehe






 

Saturday, August 25, 2012

post-raya!














me and my superwoman!
Puan Hjh Zaharah Mohd. Rejab, a.k.a mak aku!









us -
Soleh kat depan,
kak ngah in oren, mak, aku
kak yang kelabu asap, and cik.. 





me and Areeyna.
the eldest not-so-minimon.






and i am officially done wit raya. ppl say raya sebln, and i think - tak pyh la kot. raya sehari dua pun dah cukup.. and the rest of it, life goes on jst the way it is. 


finally aku smpai Ipoh balik. surga Ya Rabbana. i mean - to be home, no other place like home. so true! jalan jammed, as usual. tp tak le jam teruk mana sgt pun, but then again - there r multiple eksiden, numerous cars yg break down tersadai tepi jalan. alhamdulillah - Allah permudahkan perjalanan aku kali ni, tho bg aku, dis is the longest journey Tumpat - Ipoh aku've been thru. selalu around 5hrs dah smpai. max 6hrs. ni kuar at 12pm, at 8pm baru smpai dpn rumah.. aiyoo.


dis time around - raya aku sgt sederhana. solah raya, pi kubur abah, melwt sedara-mara rapat2 kat Taiping. tu je. the rest of the days - aku spent dgn adik2 aku, dgn mak aku jgk. i gez dats wat raya is. its not about u urself - its about others as well. and our mission for dis raya - me and adik2 - is to be around mak as much as we can, so she wldnt get drowned in the so-called loneliness and such. aku tau - it wasnt dat good as much as arwah abah can provide her - but at least, we tried. mak is the only precious we had now, and aku wont let a single sec wasted.


along the way aku travel from Tumpat tadik - aku cant help havin my mind all over places. mp4 aku tak ber-charged, and i was so not me. most of the time - upon a long journey, aku will get ready wit all those - back-up batteries, charge hp/mp4/kamera/power station, gps etc. tp dis time around - mp4 aku lupa nak caj.. so aku drive mcm tu je. 

aku still hav abah in mind like most of the time. theres not a single sec yg aku tak ingat abah. aku tgk spec baru aku - aku teringat abah - how aku tempah for him a new spec yg smpai hujung hayat dia, he din put in on pun.. and aku decided to made myself a new one, as well. aku selalu teringat kata2 abah, 'jgn sedih along, insyaAllah - selamat dunia akhirat' each time aku salam and cium tgn abah sblm aku leave rumah kak ngah, and abah usap2 kepala aku, sayin so. and each time - aku cried. aku still solat guna kopiah abah - yg still had his smell on it, and i dun wanna lose dat. 


Ya Allah, aku sgt2 rindukan abah.


i knw, i keep sayin the same thg, i keep on writing the same shyte. but i cant help it. i need to let it out.


---


gnyte.












Sunday, August 19, 2012

selamat hari raya aidil fitri 1433h.



awal lagi aku dah bgun. perhaps aku dah terbiasa wit sahur and such. perhaps aku jst like dat.. wake up as early 3.30am and wondering wat to do. but today - its different. it eid ul fitr.
by 5am aku dah siap mandi, sembang2 dgn mak. and 5.30am - aku gerak adik2 aku, minimonsters utk solat berjemaah Subuh dan bertakbir raya. tho abah dah tak da, tp aku nak apa yg abah didik us, all dis while - we do it well sampai bila2.
its hard for me Allah je yg tau. no mater wat i do - aku will never get to replace abah at any time, any place or anythg at all. aku sedar mak, ngah, yang and even Soleh had tears on each cheeks - and aku dun dare to see em at the face. for me as well, struggling.
habis bertakbir raya, kami bersalam2 dgn mak and wit one another. start dgn mak and then aku - followed by adik2 aku. mak teresak2 menangis. and so adik2 aku. aku tersentuh hati, and aku jst cant help myself to hav tears rolling down my eyes. its so different. so weird. abah used to joke dgn mak "apa ni pg2 dah ujan" bila mak salam dgn abah and cried. abah akan bagi a short tazkirah before us the whole family dismiss and siap2 utk pi solat raya.
now dat hes hone. and aku jst dun knw wat to do.
aku gotta siap2, solat raya at Masjid Tinggi at 0830am. aku suddenly rindu rumah mak abah kat Kubu Gajah. and the environment there.
---
abah, Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri. along mtk maaf zahir batin. maafkan salah silap along, halalkan makkn minum along. along doakan abah tenang di sana, bersama mereka yg beriman dan bertaqwa.
along rindu abah. along sgt2 rindukan abah..




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Saturday, August 18, 2012

pre-raya.


done wit pasar. done wit potong daging. kena leter dgn mak - too small, too big, tak ikut urat etc. heh. aku serabut and aku opt pi kupas bawang. sinca aku pakai contact lens - so aku dun go crying. haha

market tadi ramai giler. sgt2 ramai. ada makcik pakai telekong. ada makcik tolak2, siku2 aku bagai. ada makcik bwk troley Tesco. ada yg bwk bakul besar2 and landa semua org wit the bakul. and ada jgk yg dtg market mekap tebal2 mcm "ko neh nak beli ikan ke, nak pi Jaya Jusco?" mcm tu. sah2 la org luar and nak sumer org tau "aku bkn local ya!". eh, pls. tensi btol. aku rasa nak tolak je kakak2 makcik2 yg berebot2 neh, and aku stampede dorg trus. q nak beli daging pun panjang. ada yg potong trip. ada yg potong q. argkh.

and dun ask me if i love all dis. aku terpaksa lipat suar tinggi2, and jalan jengket2. haha

mak ckp nak buat rendang tok - Perak nyer speciality. and gulai daging, pekat2 wit ubi kentang. duhh.. kuah kacang for cucur ubi kentang ptg ni. and lemang wit rendang tok for tomorrow. heh, kecur liur aku dowh.

aku dah siap keje aku. i gez now its time nak landing jap. ngantok siot!

sementara budak2 neh tak bgun lagik. kalo dah bgun.. matilar.



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last sahur.




done wit sahur. awal lagi aku dah bangun. and so do all of the others.. termasuk budak2 neh. ada yg mkn laju je. and ada yg tarik muka bley sangkut baldi kinda thang, since tdo kena ganggu.

last sahur for the year. esok dah raya. we laughed, we cracked jokes. we poke one another and make fun out of it. dat was jst us - as adik beradik, aku thank God dat we r close wit each other. we share problems. and we talk thgs out.

but one thg aku realized - msg2 mcm refused to "silap ckp" and sebut pasal abah - and we r guarded wit it. ermmm

---

dah Subuh. 630am, aku kak yang and abg ngah "bertugas" utk serang market Bagan Serai yang sah2 maha pack dgn segala jenis manusia - to get brg2 as mak dah listed out. ok. wet market. and aku jugak. argkh.

better aku tdo jap. ting tong sgt rasa.



Friday, August 17, 2012

raya? sigh.

finally aku kat rumah ngah. kak yang dah smpai 2 hari lps lagik. cik smpai mlm esok. mak pun kat sini. and apparently - mak does not dat keen to raya kat kampung pun.

mmg aku xpcted so pun. and aku tak kisah - asal adik2 aku around, and mak wldnt left alone. aku tau mak still adjusting to her new surrounding wit out abah - every one of us do, too. and mak baru ni pun dah sound kat aku, yg each time dia balik Kubu Gajah - she cant help to feel so sad. and alone.

so raya ni, kak ngah volunteer jadi host for all of us. and ere we r - all of us, wit out abah - shall celebrate raya as it is. aku pun din feel like celebrating, tp for the sake of the fmly - aku jst go wit the flow.

aku cant imagine how its gonna be on the first day raya - we used to berjemaah Subuh the whole fmly, takbir raya bersama-sama, and abah lead us away. now dat abah dah tak dak - it looks like me who shld take abah's place.

---

tolong ngah and yang kat dapur ealier. mak keep thgs to herself, ngah ckp mak tak brp sht. batuk and slightly feverish. aku nak talk to mak - tp biar dulu la.. i knw mak well. she looks as if shes having the whole whole in her head.

enuff wit the playground. aku dah nak balik. dat means - all the.monimonsters as well. aku tau they will rengek malas nak balik rumah etc, tp be it. aku dah penat. perhaps aku shld used 'tak nak balik, no bunga api tonite'.

---

selamat berbuka puasa, kawan2.


Wednesday, August 15, 2012

hello!











lama jugak dah aku tak tulis anythg in ere. Ramadhan dah nak abes pun. aku remember the last time aku wrote was like nearly 2weeks back. i think. and yeah - Ramadhan dah comes to the end. within coupla days - dah raya. and aku - jst like dat, nthg much. as aku said it before - i dun really hav the urge to raya pun. for some reasons, perhaps.


called ngah tadik. mak still at ngah's. tunggu Soleh balik dr acik's, and terus ke Kubu Gajah. kak yang and fmly dah ada kat ngah's, i cld hear budak2 terjerit2 terkejar2 main at the background. rasa tak sbr plak nak balik kg. the fact is - hari raya, dis time around is purely for family gathering je la, nthg much. abah no longer around. and thgs r not the same anymore.


so many thgs aku nak kongsi. tp - mcm biasak.. dah lama tak tulis, u tend to hav thgs beku in ur head. and when u wanted to let it out - u dun knw if its relevant anymore. then again - u knw u gotta let it out, for if its there for a long time - it wldnt be good for me.


---


thgs changed around me. i knw - nbdy wants to change. ppl hate changes. and i gez - i am, as well. i dun mean to be slefish ke aper.. tp dats the way it is. if it is changes for good, betterment - i gez it'd be alrite. but if it is not - aku not sure how to react. thgs change, ppl change. even ur best fren do. i gez - dats the way life is. sometimes - u tend to hate others when ppl tell u dat u've changed. u back-fire em wit all sort of thgs, and u tend to drift way apart. sometimes, thgs u dat do hurt other ppl dat u jst 'buat tak tau je' wit the tot of  'bukan salah aku..', and u drift apart. and sometimes, u put urself down to the ground - confessing over thgs u never done, yet it left unattended. 

but changes - is a part of life. u came to a new thg, u forget the whole old thang u used to hav. we r human being. we cant jst help dat.


---









and dis can help me ease the shyte in me.
and its.. fcuktastic!
lovin it. hehehe

wink wink










Monday, August 6, 2012

Mon morn! (and its cuti!)







after sahur, aku malas plak rasa nak tdo. so aku lepak2 jap, and aku ended up merayau2 bilik abah. the first time aku masuk bilik since aku smpai rumah mak. everythg is in order - the books, the meja study and such. mak has been keeping thgs well, jst exactly the way it is. mak tdo dgn all of us kat ruang tamu, so bilik mak abah left empty.


Subuh masuk, and mak ajak semayang sekali. mak mintak aku jadi imam, and aku did. standing there kat mana abah selalu solat, using his own sejadah and such - i am sure how to describe it. it feels like a whole responsible falls on me. somethg like dat. aku finish up the solat, wirid dan berdoa.


and only then aku sedar mak teresak2 menangis kat belakang aku.


aku salam mak, cium tgn mak as usual. aku asked mak why, and she told me - tak de pe. she said she feels kinda 'sayu'. aku ucap Selamat Ulang Tahun Kelahiran to mak, aku cium pipi mak. aku stayed there for a while, and then aku went off to my room. i am not sure if i did the rite thang - perhaps i shld stay. or perhaps i shd talked to her. or maybe - i dun knw, i believed mak needs some space on her own, thus aku left her for a while.


---


done wit Yassin for abah, aku masuk tdo balik. aku need to utilize dis time properly, before budak2 neh bangun and cari aku. and ganggu aku tdo. and makes me serabut kepala otak. ari ni, mak decided nak balik rumah ngah at Bagan Serai, and berbuka puasa there. better off la kot, since Bagan Serai - Ipoh tak la jauh sgt.. ever lps berbuka pun aku sempat pecut balik Ipoh and dat'll take me around 1.5hrs je. kalo dr Kubu Gajah neh - jenuh la jugak..


its off day, today. Nuzul Quran. yay!











aku, angah, cik 
wit mak abah at KLIA.
time tunggu kak yang balik UK.








mak
my life!










wit whole family
in Shah Alam - mlm kak yang smpai dr UK
in Shah Alam S7.















mak & abah.











mak,
kena paksa senyum.. :-)





mak, its ur birthday! its ur 56 birthday. dis time around - along knw it is different. it is totally different. i knw, u knw it well. and i knw ur good in keeping all dis thgs in u - so dat nobdy, no one of us - realized it well. along kenal mak - ur the one who teach me to look at the better side, even theres no hope at all. and ur the one who teach me to brace urself well, tho the world around u r tumbling upside down.


along adore u, mak. ur strong. stronger then anyone of us. and i knw - ur no super human as well. i've seen u crying in ur room dis morning. and i jst quietly walk off - wit the tot of u mght need sometime on ur own. u weep quietly dat u dun want anyone of us - ur kids and cucu-cucu mak tau, so. but its ok - i gez its ok to cry. to let it out, rather bottle thgs up and make thgs worst. cry, dat will make us normal. a human being.


i mght not knw how it is for u, mak. but i knw one thg - we r sharing the tot of losing. ur husband. and our abah. and no matter how it is, no matter how we try - abah dah tak de, and theres nthg we can do about it - except jst exactly wat u teach us - berlapang dada. abah mght not around us anymore - bu he is in everyone of us, and u knw dat well.


mak,


selamat menyambut ulang tahun kelahiran yg ke-56, mak. along doakan agar mak panjang umur, murah rezeki - dalam keimanan, ketaqwaan insyaAllah. semoga mak sihat tubuh badan, fizikal mental dan di berikan peluang kami anak beranak mak - balas jasa budi baik mak selama ni. mak jgn bersedih, coz if u do - dat'll make us, too. along dan adik2 will stand beside u - and be as good as we can - so dat mak wont feel lonely, and so u wont cry alone.


happy birthday, mak! along syg mak.. sgt2.









mak and abah,
Kellies Castle 2008.





---




its been a week now, abah left us. cukup seminggu abah kembali ke rahmatullah, and ari ni jugak hari jadi mak.. :-(


abah,


semlm along lalu thru jalan besar hala ke Bagan Serai ke rumah ngah. along lau dpn Masjid Tinggi, and sebelah masjid - is rumah baru abah. along singgah jap masjid, solat maghrib. its dark outside, along keep wonder how it is for abah. along solat maghrib, along duduk sekejap berdoa and berfatihah untuk abah. tenang sgt rasa - Allah saja yg tau.


and along cant help to hav tears runnin down my checks - abah jst beside the masjid, yet i am not sure where ur really at.


abah - seminggu tanpa abah is such a tough time for along. for us all. its too hard to be around wit u not wit us anymore. being an elder son, being the brother to all the adik2. tp tanggungjawab - along had no choice. it is not somethg yg susah pun, cuma perhaps - i need some time to adjust. 


along doakan abah semoga tenang di sana. along doakan abah, agar di letak kan bersama mereka yg beriman, bertaqwa dan beramal soleh. semoga dipermudahkan segala urusan di sana, Ya Allah. along dan adik2 akan terus berdoa dan beramal - jst exactly the way abah didik kami - agar semoga abah tidak sunyi dan keseorangan di sana, insyaAllah. ameen ya rabbal alamin.


and abah - no matter where ur, wat u do - along syg abah. along rindu abah - so much dat hurts.


al-fatihah.









abah at angah's
few days seblm ke HUSM.





few minutes sebelum abah
meninggalkan kami..
aku found dis in angah's hp.










Sunday, August 5, 2012

nyte.














at mak abah's today, berbuka kat sini - since mak wanted to. so kami semua ikut je. around 11am dah smpai Kubu Gajah - dr luar nampak sunyi sgt rumah mak. nthg much. rumput2 dah panjang. selalunya abah yg akan panggil uncle kat kg ni dtg and mesim rumput. and now - aku gotta go get him to do so.


mak masak bubuk nasik ari neh. my fav. mak tau aku dah seminggu tak amek nasik at all, and aku tau mak sajer je.. hahaha.. and gez wat? aku did mkn as usual. tp semangkuk je, and aku dah terbungkang kekenyangan.


spent time kat pasar ramadhan ptg tadik. ramai org. as usual, ramai yg aku jumpak - included few ex-staff aku dulu. they changed a lot, but still as nice as they can be. most of em tanya pasal abah, and ucap takziah. and almost all of em said the same thgs - how good abah is, and how nice abah is, as a person. aku jst senyum and ucap terima kasih.


---


tdo ramai2 mlm ni kat ruang tamu je. budak2 neh bentang Toto dpn tv and decided to sleep in ere je, tonite. all of us. including mak.


this house still mcm selalu, chaos dgn bdk2 neh. all these minimons lari dpn belakang like nobdy biz.


yet it is empty. since abah not in anymore.


gnyte.