Tuesday, July 31, 2012

..















abah.
Masjid UPM, June 2012.







awal2 pg lagik aku dah kuar rumah. plan nak ke kubur abah, tp terlajak terus ke Parit Buntar dgn Soleh - since nak selesaikan urusan kat JPN. tak pe, around 6pm nanti - aku dn Soleh pi kemudian, since mak called tadik ckp yg lain2 sumer dah pergi tgk abah, pagi tadik.


di JPN Parit Buntar, stumbled into dis one lady - she appeared to be shocked looking at the carbon-copy wit nama abah on it. she told us she used to work sekejap dgn abah seblm abah pencen, and kept telling us 'En Sunar sebaik2 bos' and stuff like dat. aku tgk Soleh, Soleh tgk aku. aku rasa sebak. and she made our kerja so smooth and easy, for we jst spent for about 15mins there, and we r done.


singgah rumah mak jap kat Kubu Gajah. apparently kak ngah and fmly baru je balik kot last week, and tolong mak kemas2 pe patut. and its been a week, rumah start berabuk balik. masuk je rumah - both of us tak ckp pe2. i gez masing2 layan paler masing2. Soleh settled hal dia, and aku lepak bilik abah - his study room, meja dia, and thgs r in order - nbdy dare to touch. abah made thgs in a way so dat it'll make thgs easier for him. penuh dgn nota2 reminder, buku2, and so much more. kerusi meja study abah dah berhabuk terus - its been 4mths since he last stayed there and did his thgs, he's been there all the time - as a place where he escaped dr hiruk pikuk anak cucu each time we r back in ere. not until he jatuh sakit - and dun remember a thang anymore.


baju Melayu yg abah last pakai still hanging there. minyak attar abah, beg2 kitab menuntut ilmu kat masjid - everythg in order. darn i cld see him in there, everywhere - his smell, his smile, his voice mengaji and such. aku immediately feel sad and aku tau aku tremendously miss him so much - dat i dun hav words for it. mak told me she probably not dat keen to stay in ere, alone. and we tot so. kak ngah ajak mak stay sama - and we will be back in ere, every now and then.


dis house full of love. abah worked so hard to hav dis roof above our heads, and he loves dis place. he love spending time kat kebun sebelah rumah like most of the time - dgn all sort of pokok2 buah and such; a place aku dun really keen of goin, except abah suruh aku do so.


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aku crashed early smlm. by 2am, aku dah terbgun. tough time to get back to sleep. aku struggled wit thgs in mind, and such. aku rindu abah. it feels so lonely, its like there a huge hole in me - i dun knw how to describe it. aku cited al-Fatihah, and get drifted away before sahur.


i knw dis is gonna be tough for me. but i got no choice, for i hav no choice, except to face the music. it is somethg new for me - i never been thru any of dis kind, before.


i hurts me each time i think of how he's been doin now. but i believe - abah, being him as it is - i am sure Allah dah tentukan segala yg terbaik bagi abah, dat me - and everbdy in fmly, had to face it and berlapang dada dgn ketentuan Allah Taala. 


Ya Allah, ampun kan dosa2 abah. Kau letak abah, bersama mereka yg beriman dan bertaqwa. 


ameen ya rabb.










Monday, July 30, 2012

abah.


i've bn consoling others on dis. and i never knw how bad it is, until it happens to me.

on dis cold, weird feelin kinda journey bck home, aku and mak jst sit beside abh, wit tears silently rolling down my cheeks. mak keeps telling me to berdoa and baca al-fatihah, and dats wat i've bn doin.

i feel so alone. and lonely. i feel numb. i feel so cold and hopeless. mak told me to berlapang dada and redha, and i am trying. i jst dun knw how to face dis. i jst dun knw how.

at 12.15am, 10 Ramadhan - abah tinggal kan mak and kami adik beradik. at least abah tak lagi sakit and menderita.

Ya Allah, Kau ampunkanlah dosa2 abah. Kau tempatkanlah abah bersama2 mrk yg beriman dan bertaqwa. Kau cucurilah rahmat dah berkat Mu, Ya Allah buat abah.

i've lost my dearest dad today, and i dun knw wat else to say.

abah, alg syg abah.


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Sunday, July 22, 2012

2nd day Ramadhan.








crashed early as well, smlm. balik je terawih, had another dose of air tebu - and off aku naik atas and crashed. nothg on the phone, nothg on the idiotbox, nothg there on-line as well. i gez everybdy is havin their own thang, and i shall deal wit mine la kot. called mak before tido - she was alrdy fall asleep way earlier. and so did abah. kak yang and Soleh around - so aku tak risau sgt. mak dah kat wad baru - no more in Surgical Wad Intan 2 HUSM wit all those tak-frenly nye staffs. at dis new wad - mak lagi selesa, and abah got the proper care he supposed to get.


stayed home all day smlm. dr pagi, smpai mlm. managed to finish up few sets of slide for P&P next week, and few weeks to come. aku will be teaching Post Basic as well, starting dis semester. it seems like keje aku makin byk, hours of teaching dah naik. and yeah - makin byk beban la. once in a while - aku on-line jgk. tu je yg aku buat whole day - beside, it was Saturday - so aku qado tidor la jugak, idiotbox, kemas rumah and ptg - aku blah cari air tebu kat param depan ni, and aku balik. mlm - terawih, and aku balik rumah.


and today, i gez nthg much. aku still hav coupla thgs to do, at least by Monday - aku tak la bz sgt. i need some distraction, after all. or else, i will stuck in shyte. aku dah meluat wit all dis thgs yg open up myself to come up wit a lot of assumption yg aku sendiri benci. it seems like aku hav to help my own self - to keep myself clear. nak harap org lain, payah. 


aku shall call mak again dis morn. hope she's ok.



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sahur done. Subuh dah masuk. nak solat, and crash for a while. mengantuk - since mkn ubat, and bgun awal sgt pagi tadik.. sigh.



















Saturday, July 21, 2012

hey awak!











hey.jpg






a gentle reminder.
to myself.

;-)













sahur!








semlm, awal lagik aku dah tdo. too many thgs in my head - aku balik terawih, aku tutup lampu bwh.. and off lepak kat atas. and bila aku tertido, aku tak pasti. lampu ruang fmly kat tgh and tv kat tgkt atas ni tak tutup pun.. around 4am aku dah bgun. as usual. but dis time around - its unusual. its Ramadhan. so aku mandi, solat hajat/tahajjud - 5am aku turun tgk2 pe yg ada kat dapur.


mmg dr kecik mak abah didik aku - and all of us - to at least to hav somethg utk bersahur. seingat aku - aku tak pernah berpuasa w/o bgun bersahur. mak ckp, kena ambil sunat, w/pun mls mcmana sekali pun. and dats wat i did. dulu2 - kalo kat rumah mak, abah akan gerak aku and adik2 bgun bersahur.. siksa, ofkoz - since nak bgun and then still awal. aku ingat lagik kak yang and cik waktu budak2 dulu - paling teruk nak bgun. they wld go pi meja mkn, mkn dgn muka yg torturous - and then berebut bilik air nak berus gigi.. so bley cpt2 smbg tdo. mak will mak sure sahur will be ready for us. and kalo aku ada kat kg, mesti ada telur masin - since mak tau, aku jenis pyh sket nak mkn pg2. especially, mkn nasik. and kalo tak de telur masin - she'll make sure ada acar limau, my fav. aku plak - kalo ada nasik panas,  acar limau, tea-o - aku will stay diam2 mkn, tak tgk kiri kanan dah..


dat was then.


and abah - sedari kecil abah akan ingatkan aku dan adik2 pasal niat sebulan dan niat tiap2 ari. everyday lepas sahur he'll remind us the same. dan  time berbuka - abah akan make sure semua anak2 dia will be around the meals, and he'll berdoa before break the fast. and then berjemaah maghrib - before suruh maki yg lelaki pi masjid/surau for terawih. most of the time, aku will komplot dgn Soleh - ke surau je since 'surau 8 rakaat' where as masjid tempat abah selalu pi - buat 20. dan abah tak kisah, asal kan kami buat terawih.


and pagi ni, aku cuma minum tea-o big mug wit kurma sket and few crackers. tak selera nak mkn lbey2. aku keep on ingat mak abah kat sana - apa je yg dorang hav for bersahur. alhamdulillah - kak yang and Soleh dah smpai HUSM semlm pg, turn dorang dua to be wit mak abah.. cik akan balik Kedah pg ni, since dah seminggu dia kat sana. ok la, since aku bley communicate dgn Soleh. mak wont tell me wats wit abah - she dun want me to be worry. w'pun dah byk kali aku ckp kat mak, to keep me update. 


Soleh bgtau semlm pagi abah had seizure. last time abah had a few way before abah had his shunt on, while abah baru admitted kat Hosp. Selayang. lps operation shunt kat Sg Buloh, abah tak fit lagi dah. and aku remember doc told me - if the shunt went well, abah tak akan sawan insyaAllah. since intra-cranial pressure will be controlled by then. nthg can be done wit the growth, so they drain out the excessive spinal fluid and get the intra-cranial pressure in control. but then the doc said - as long as the shunt tak tersekat, no cancerous tissue goes in it - he'll be ok. 


but lately, aku noticed a swelling kat tmpt shunt abah over his scalp tu. and he had a seizure. and u knw how worry i am. drainage tersekat ke? shunt dah tak berfungsi ke? ICP raised ke? Ya Allah.


yet the doc tak mula lagi wit their radiotherapy as they said they wld. byk birokrasi sgt. 


aku berserah pd Allah. aku mohon pd Allah, moga dipermudahkan segala urusan. tiap2 kali solat, aku doa agar Allah ampunkan dosa mak abah, dan Allah kasihani dan sayangi mereka berdua - jst exactly mcmana both of em mengasihi aku, dan adik2 sedari kami kecil. 


dis Ramadhan, it is so different for me. for us. tp harapan aku, all of us - for our lifes will get better each day to come - will always remains the same.


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Selamat Berpuasa!









Friday, July 20, 2012

Ramadhan.













Ramadhan kareem dtg lagik. how time flies. aku remember sambut ramadhan last year, and was eager looking forward fr Syawal itself. i knw - some ppl said Syawal meant for kids - but as as for me - it meant a lot. its some kinda fmly thang for me. its the time when i'd be able to catch up thgs wit my whole fmly, at the same time. we were taught to appreciate 1st Syawal as it is. and enjoy every bit of it. Ramadhan for me - never failed to amuse me. beside its different from the others, Ramadhan too - i mean, i dun knw. i dun really knw how to describe it.


but dis time around, i dun hav dat excitement in me. i mean - not dat i dun like Ramadhan to come in. not dat other then berpuasa and having the chance utk beribadat dan mengabdikan diri to Allah Taala dat i am not keen of - but its somethg else. i knw it wldnt be dat matters to others, but for me - it does. not havin mak abah around for the first time in life during dis Ramadhan, really hits me. i knw its not like they r gone forever or wat - but the eager in me to go balik kampung and celebrate 1st day of Ramadhan is always there in me - but dis time around, thgs wldnt be the same. mak teman abah kat HUSM Kubang Kerian. and abah.. it hurts me each time i think about it. 


i knw - if its hard for me, it'll be way harder bg mak. she is there wit no one around her, look after abah. na dwe - anak-anak mak abah r tryin so hard to squeeze in between, to get all the days-off as we can, and go up there, be around em both - as dat is wat our responsible is. 


during the class jst now - aku asked the stdnts saper yg balik kg ari ni after class - and ramai yg balik. i told em off - if they hav a chance, extra resources, time - they shld go back and enjoy dis moment - berpuasa, bersahur dengan keluarga - for we never knw if ever we'll get the chance of so, next year. i told em to not ever waste any time they hav, and spend it wisely wit their loves one. they look at me in one kind - and i was jst smiling away. i was tryin so hard to contain myself by doin dat. i hav the regret in me. and i dun want them to go thru the same.


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finally, Majlis Tilawah Al Quran dan Festival Nasyid is over. i can now smile to myself, for the first time in my life - aku jadi MC for the whole session - wit Ameer, Puan Hasnah dan Puan Aisyah. i knw i still got a lot to learn, i did few mistakes - but then again, i am proud myself - for i did somethg new, somethg i never tot of doin - standing infront of like hundreds of ppl, and talk. its different - i am telling u - dari go there and do ur class. kalo class - u teach em somethg yg u master, but doin dis - its different. but i did it anyway. i've challenged myself, and i get it accomplished. and i finally proved to some ppl around me in ere - dat i am way better then wat they think. i am not a kinda person who only knws how to complain. to brag. and go around, do some sweet-talk. i believe in flexibility. u can be master in one thang, yet again - u can do other thg well, as well.


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esok dah start puasa. so for those out there, to u the reader - i wish u Selamat Menunaikan Rukun Islam yang ke-3, Selamat Berpuasa dan Selamat Menyambut Ramadhan Kareem.


moga Ramadhan ini lebih baik dr sebelum2 nya, ameen.