Saturday, June 30, 2012

..





mak cried all nite, after she make sure abah dah tdo. aku jst diam, aku tak tau nak ckp apa. or buat apa. aku jst her cry, at least she'll feel better. mak dah susut bdn. aku cannot imagine how make face all dis.

abah dah tdo. he looks so tenang. and he snores like he always do.

aku tak tau wat else to thk. aku nak menangis, yet i jst cant. i dunno how to react.

i jst wish aku cld run away from all dis.




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abah.




aku and yang finally sepakat bwk abh dtg sini at Columbia Asia Hosp in Kamunting to re-do the ct brain for abh. dis is where abh first diagnosed last two mths, and ere we r bck again.

aku dun hope for anythg. as a med staf, bscly aku rasa aku tau how it is for abh - thru his symptoms et al. but dammit aku wld lied to myslf if aku ckp aku tak simpan apa2 hope wishing thgs will get better. and mak - mak keep on telling dat abh dah nampak ok, harap2 scan will giv her some good news. aku ckp kat mak dun keep too much hope, tp mak - aku fhm, she jst cant help myslf.

and aku - again, hav to deal wit my own turmoil in me.. and it seems like aku hav to face mak to tell her anythg dat mght be out soon. kak yang, shes a big gal. and i knw she undrstnds.

result will be out in 2hrs. its Saturday - they gotta call radiographer in charge, and radiologist on-call to do the reporting. and we dun mind waiting.

its torturous for me.

it really is.





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abah.




abah nye mood labile pg ni. aku sampai rumah angah pg tdi pun, awal2 kena sound. jst becoz aku melwk dgn mak. he cried at one time, and he stay quiet at anther. and u hardly predict - kdg2 abah tiber2 je mrh2 tanpa sebab.

aku lepak tp abah most of the time. abah tak ingat apa dia ckp, even jst a few secs bef. abah confused. dia keep holding my hand, and usap2 kepala aku, and Soleh - pesan jgn tggal solat, jaga fmly mak dan adk2. and eacg time he did dat - he cried.

and he kept telling me - he loves me, he loves anak2 dia. he never did dat.

kak yang and fmly smpai. Soleh jgk, tmpg kak yang from Melaka. cik je tak dak. dia ada kelas.

aku tak tau nak ckp pe. aku numb still. aku once prnh questioned y abah, y tak org lain. but somehow - not anymore.

shunt abah makin bengkak. tho drainage rasanya mcm ok je. mak dah buat keptsan, mak tak nak abah on chemo - abah mkn ok, not in pain and no one of us nak abah suffer. doc dah tapper down ubt2 abah. and bscly - w'pun aku hate to say dis - abah did not show any improvement. aku berserah kpd Allah Taala. mak kept telling us to berlapang dada, and aku not sure if she knws wat shes talking. but yet, i hav to.

few days to come, genap 2 bln abah mcm ni. and aku keep on counting,and it hurts me - us - wit every heart beats.





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tak de pe pII

faces of me. hehe

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tak dak pe..

faces of me!

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Thursday, June 28, 2012

abah.







at angah's. lama rasa tak dtg and jenguk abah. mak nampak penat. kak ngah and fmly, alhamdulillah. tadi lama aku sembang dgn mak. mak ventilated her sadness and such regarding abah - for the first time mak ckp yg abah a bit regress, mood tak menentu, temper tantrum and changed a lot.


and for the first time - mak no more in denial.


it tears me apart seeing mak menangis. and God knws how aku try so hard not to react to her wrongly, and not to cry at all. and God knws how it hurts me to put up dat flat face, while deep in u - ur torn into pieces. mak nampak penat sgt - drained emotionally, and physically. abah payah nak tdo malam, and thus mak pun ikut tak tdo.


ubat abah dah nak abes. aku hav to drive up to Hosp Sg Buloh trow morn. Dr Suresh bgtau aku he needs to tapper down Dexa nye dose, and stop it eventually. tp bg aku - despite the side effect - abah nampak ok sket taking it, rather not at all. aku ingat the 2 days mak tak bg abah ubat hosp. - abah went flat and fatigue the whole day. aku risau. buntu. mak refused chemo. aku pun tak keen - abah not in pain, dia still mobile, selera baik, and he's old. aku tak bley byg putting him under chemo yg excruciatingly cause u pain, the side effects. yet the succession percentage tak tau..


aku buntu. adk2 harap kan aku. mak tak bley ngadu kat cik, for cik akan salahkan mak balik - as if mak tak do good enuf. and its me. its on me.


balik Ipoh soon. aku feel so numb. aku feel like aku need to talk to someone, tp cldnt find anyone free. i gez everybdy wit everybdy's biz.


need a shower. and Maghrib.

posted from Bloggeroid

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Tuuuuuuuuesday, no.








reached the ofc at the usual time. nbdy in as yet. off to pantry, made myself another mug of cereal - 3in1 je pun. penat tgk meja aku wit few pending thgs to be done, tak siap2 since; 1) aku suka bertangguh, 2) keje keep coming in. argkh.


2nd day in dis Aktiviti Makmal Pembangunan Kurikulum for kursus dip. lanjutan  in psikiatrik. basically - it is nice to be in the group of smart arse kinda ppl - doin the brainstroming and such. aku - surprisingly turned out to be havin like a lot of ideas to share. and getting to knw dat ur ideas digunapakai and such, darn i jst love the feeling. u knw wat i mean.


pagi2 lagik dah pissed-off wit dis one person kat ofc. biar lah. aku tak nak becoz of dis one person - aku spoiled the whole day of mine. if karma tak come hit him, one day i definitely will. hehe


hav a pleasant day ahead, peeps!










Monday, June 25, 2012

life?







lately i feel kinda serba tak kena. i am dealing wit dis sense of insecurity in me. i am not like dis before. i am a man wit confidence in thgs dat i do, in wat ever i say, my action and such. esp at work. and in life. generally. but lately - i am dealing wit the bulshyte side of it. all dis while i dun realize i am havin such problem. i mean - perhaps i knw, but i dun giv it a shyte for i was thinkin - in no time at all - i'll be better at it, and i'll shove away all dis non-sense aside. or maybe - away. so, i keep it aside, and i dun deal wit it well. 


until lately - it started to bother me a lot. i hav doubt in me. about myself. my potential and such. i feel like i am not good enuff. i feel like i am not doin good enuff. i started to think ppl around me - r way better than me. even at a slightest advance, they'll bother me.  for i knw i shldve be better, for i knw i can be better. tho i knw - i dun hav to worry shyte, for i am wat i am - and nbdy shld be a threat to me.


and i started to questions few thgs, as well. ppl who claimed themselves as good frens, or perhaps - so-called good frens. i dun knw. semua serba tak kena. i gez ppl will be around u when ur good, when ur at the top of the world. when ur in deep shyte - they wont. they'll be around u to get wat they want in their life, and when they do - wats the point of stayin? when others can giv em even more? and they moved, leavin u in wonder. the worst part after dat - they make a fool, and fun of u wit others.


perhaps i am wrong. perhaps i am bein kinda paranoid a bit. or perhaps - i am havin a lot of shyte in my head i cant think str8. but then again - ppl around me somehow r not helping as well. i mean - not all, ofcoz. they love to play issues on my insecurity, and make me feel like shyte. they knw my weakness and they play wit it. and i - bein myself.. i wish i cld show em i aint such easy shyte to stumble jst like dat. i wish i am stronger. way stronger. i knw i shldnt be clinging on others when it comes to all dis. but then again - wat the hell frens r for then eh? 


but one thg for sure - i am learning. dammit - i am learning. and i am picking up thgs, sorting em out - and i'll be good in no time at all. they say - if ur good, if ur strong - u face it. u deal wit it. but if u think its not worth dealing wit, and if ur dealin wit sucha crap u mght wasting ur time and energy - leave it. walk on. and dun look back. letting go wldnt be dat bad. i doesnt mean ur such a loser anyway.


---


called kak ngah tadik. i din get the chance to call her and asked about abah semlm. been wanting to do it, all day. and i jst did. and to my surprise - abah jatuh bilik air mlm semlm. and i din call. i dun knw. kak ngah ckp she wanted to call, but it was a bit late then. aku terdiam sekejap. tho kak ngah ckp abah ok, tak de apa2.. aku cant help to be so worry.


talked to abah for a while. he sound kinda weak a bit. but he did ask me how am i doin, dah mkn ke belum, hows work and such. and he kept on asking me if i tell him the truth - for he 'abah rasa along tak sihat ni.. cuba bgtau abah betul2' kinda thang. i was weeping to dat, quietly. he never been dat way, all these yrs. but he did now. and how i wish.. he told me to get a proper rest, and took medication as it is. i told him the same, and he went 'along tak pyh risau, abah dah mcm ni.. hidup pun tak lama'. and i hate dat.


i put down the phone, and walked to the shower. i feel like driving up there to see him. at time like dis - i jst feel like i wanna be around someone who can jst pat me on the shoulder and tell me thgs r gonna be jst fine. they need not to be judgemental, they need not to be so precisely analysing the whole shyte. i jst need some re-assurance. dats all.


how i wish abah still sihat. and i can talk to him regarding all dis. life et al. how i wish he did teach me a thang or two about life. about thgs in life - so i'd be way better than i am now. i jst missed my old abah - yg suka leter kan aku, telling thgs yg aku dah bertahun2 dgr, again and again. i miss all dat. 


---


i am tired. gnyte.









Saturday, June 23, 2012

:-)




no its not the end. its the beginning. tho its been a long day, today (and its gonna a long nite, tnite - for it aint the same like before), but i am glad. it aint the end, but its jst a beginning.

i used to hav doubt in myslf. but havin myslf goin thru the past coupla days - i thk i started to hav more faith in it. faith in myslf. i learnt lesson well. for at least - i am not alone to appreciate it. to cherish thgs dat u hav. and i am glad. i am trully glad.

i am feeling free. in a way, i am. i hav no doubt now. time is short. i choose to appreciate wat i hav. to cherish every bits of it.

i am looking forward now. and i aint gonna turn bck, no.

gnyte.




Friday, June 22, 2012

gmorn tgif!


early dinner smlm. and to make thgs worst, arnd midnite aku had dis series of 'melawat' the washroom like a few times! sakit prot. tatau pasal. by the 5th time ulg alik - aku dah penat. and its midnite. aku shldve be in the Mumuland.

and the torturous moment starts. its 2am sthg, and jst cant close my eyes. aku ngantok. tp tak mau lena. and the prot - damn - tak selesa, lapar pun ada. haih

jst had my breakfast. mihun grg, telor sehalf masak dua, popia dua.

tu dia. hancur diet miet aku. but then again, bkn salah aku pun.

aku lapar! hehe






Monday, June 18, 2012

dat shitty thang.










sometimes i hate myself dat i am so petty. sometimes - i hate dat i make a lil problem way bigger than they actually r. i guess there r days when we jst hate ourselves, aye? i knw i've created dis blog to ventilate myself, to somehow inspire ppl and to giv encouragement, and post stuff dat ppl can relate to - but sometimes, i admit - i also get a  lil depressed.


there r moments when i feel kinda alone, and sad. i mean - not literally dat i am cryin, bcoz i am sad. its the feelin in u - heavy-chested, headache, heartache over thgs at work, wit life and such. i mean - dammit, u knw wat i mean. thankfully, these moments do not happens often - but yeah, i do hav those bad day, trust me.


perhaps - a lil bit like now.


i knw there r a lot of bigger problems in the world, and my petty problems r nothg compared to em - but sometimes, all the encouragement dat i try to spread (if there is), there r times when even then cant cheer me up. i am kinda secretive person when it comes to my feelings, my tots and such - so i cant really tell ppl wats botherin me. so most of the time - i jst keep it to myself. and i sleep on it. and maybe - these feelings get bottled up, and i ended up feelin shitty in mind. u can see me in deep shyte, if i do. for its all over my face. 


i dun wanna rant in ere. u guys deserve better. i knw i am gonna be alrite by the sun goes up. good hot shower, jump into my boxer, and hit my MuMuLand..







sunscreen; baz luhrmann.


















if  i cld offer u only one tip for the future - sunscreen will be it.
the long term benefits of sunscreen hav been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience..

i will dispense dis advice now.

enjoy the power and beauty of yr youth - owh, nevermind - u will not understand the power and beauty of ur youth until they hav faded
but trust me - in 20yrs u'll look back at photos of urself and recall in a way u cant grasp now - how much possibility lay before u and how fabulous u really looked..

ur not as fat as u imagine
dun worry about the future - or worry, but knw dat worryin is as effective as tryin to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
the real troubles in yr life r apt to be the thgs  dat never crossed ur worried mind.
the kind dat blindside u at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
do one thg everyday dat scares u.
sing.
dun be reckless wit other ppl's hearts, dun put up wit ppl who r reckless wit urs.

floss!
dun waste ur time on jealousy.
sometimes ur ahead - sometimes ur behind.
the race is long - and in the end, its only wit urself.
remember the compliments u receive, forget the insults.

if u succeed in doin dis - tell me how.

keep ur love letters, throw away ur old bank statements.

stretch.
dun feel guilty if u dun knw wat u wanna do wit ur life.
the most intersting ppl i knw din knw at 22 wat they wanted to do wit their lives - some of the most interesting 40yo i knw still dun.

get a plenty of calcium.
be kind to ur knees, u'll miss em when they r gone.

maybe u'll marry, maybe u wont. maybe u'll hav children, maybe u wont, maybe u'll divorce at 40, maybe u'll dance the funky chicken on ur 75th weddin anniversary.
watever u do, dun congratulate urself too much or berate urself either.
ur choices r half chance, so r everybdy else's.

enjoy ur body, use it every way u can.. dun be afraid of it, or wat other ppl think of it
its the greatest instrument u'll ever own.

dance. even if u hav nowhere to do it but in ur own living room.
read the directions, even if u dun follow em.

do not read beauty magazines. they'll only make u feel ugly.

get to knw ur parents. u never knw when they'll be gone for good.
be nice to yr siblings.
they r the best link to ur past and ppl most likely to stick wit u in the future.
understand dat frens come and go, but for the precious few u shld hold on.
work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle bcoz the older u get, the more u need the ppl u knew when u were young.

live in NY City once, but leave before it makes u hard.
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes u soft.

travel.
accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will Philander, u too will get old, and when u do u'll fantasize dat when u were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

respect ur elders.
dun expect anyone else to support u.
maybe u hav a trust fund, maybe u hav a wealthy spouse - but u never knw when either one mght run out.

dun mess too much wit ur hair, or by the time ur 40 - it'll look 85.
be careful whose advice u buy, but, be patient wit those who supply it.
advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

but trust me on the sunscreen.




*baz luhrmann, sunscreen.













Sunday, June 17, 2012

yay!



















first dlm idup, aku did dat - trim misai and janggut abh. aku bwk dia pi kedai to do so, tp ramai org. and abh tak brp nak tggu lama2, plus 'abh tak biasa trim kat kedai, org buat seriau' kinda thang.


so aku made a u-turn, and decided aku shld do sthg. mak awal2 lagi against it - for 'hang seniri pun dok cukuq kat kedai, buat seniri cukuq kulit muka..'. tp aku told her, its gonna be ok. and i will do it ok.


and i did. it took me like more than 30mins to complete all. janggut misai abh keras2, payah giler. and aku had to so careful takut luka his muka. as aku always did to my own face.


it is nice to see abh well-kempt. abh tgk2 cermin, senyum sorg2. abh pegang janggut and said 'hang anak abh yg first cubuq janggut abh' and 'dah jadi mcm janggut hang pulak..'


aku jst smiled to him. its nice to hav dis feeling, God sake.

posted from Bloggeroid

Happy Father's Day.











5am aku dah bagun. the fact is - aku tersedar awal lagi.. cuma aku liat nak bgun. 5.30am - aku dah in the shower. nak mandi, nak Subuh. aku nak balik kampung ari ni - semlm lagi aku dah think so. rindu sgt kat abah - ati aku tak tenteram. siap je Subuh - aku turun bawah, make myself a big mug of Nescafe, took all the medication, panaskan kete and off aku hit the high-way. alhamdulillah - it was 6.30am by the time aku on the high-way, and aku need to be rite infornt of pagar rumah mak, by 8am.


and perut aku berkeroncong lapar, since semlm aku dinner awal.


not many cars on the road anyway. and gez wat? alhamdulillah, by 7.50am - aku dah smpai rumah mak kat Kubu Gajah. siap tapau nasik lemak Kedai Ain kat pekan lagi. dr Ipoh lagik aku dok berkira2 nak singgah tapau - nasik lemak Ain is one of the kind. sedap tatau nak cerita mcmana. smpai rumah - mak ckp mak grg bihun. pulak. serba salah. to make thgs simple - aku bedal dua2. baru hilang 2kgs, aku harap by trow aku tak end in another like 3kgs dammit.


selesai breakfast - terus ke Karangan, Kedah. its a small remote town dkt dgn Lunas or somethg. tak pernah plak aku smpai. or maybe - abah pernah bawak aku kecik2 dulu, and aku tak pernah smpai2 dah after dat. since tak ramai org, kejap je dah selesai proses berubat abah. dis time around abah tak tnya y and such bwk dia berubat etc. he looks tired, a bit pucat. he talks the same thg - again and again. tp its ok - abah still selera mkn and gerak dgn usaha sendiri.


cuma one thg yg aku concern - ustaz suruh berenti sekejap medication abah. its impossible for me. aku nak ckp kat mak - in fact i did - tp mak ckp 'kita berubat kena yakin, tak lama.. sehari dua je'. bukan nak be sceptical. bukan aku tak percaya. tp.. payah la. abah on anti-epileptic. on steroid to control the growth in his brain. u can imagine if u stop the med. tp ustaz ckp to stop it for a while - of else, its not gonna work. mak - u dun hav to gez, aku tau she'll comply to ustaz's words. coupla days. a few days. for a while. anythg can happen. and aku cant take any risk.


i told mak so, and jst smiled away and asked me to hav some faith.


sigh.



---



its a Father's Day, today. aku used to call abah up - every year, wishing him so. abah wld giggled away a bit, asking me 'hari ni je ari abah.. awat tak ari2?' kinda thang. every year. and aku'd jst laughed away. aku'd tell abah dat aku sayang him, and wishing him havin good years to come - sihat tubuh badan insyaAllah. and abah wld stay silent, ended up wit his typical 'terima kasih'. aku tau - abah tak tau how to react to it. he is not kinda guy yg tau how to express how he feels and such. aku tau. he is jst like dat. its ok. dat is wat makes him special to me.


but dis year - is totally different. aku din call him, for aku balik rumah to see him personally. and abah is no more like years before. completely different. sampai rumah tadi, aku salam abah - aku cium tangan abah, cium pipi abah - and aku wished him Selamat Hari Bapa to him. yet to no proper response. abah looked so blank. confused. he even asked me 'ari ni ka?' kinda thang. aku jst smiled looking at him, and nodded my head away. his face looks so empty. aku peluk abah, gosok2 belakang abah. he jst put his right hand behind my shoulder - and tell me 'along tak payah la sedih2, abah ok' again and again. 


and aku in tears.


abah - along mght not knw how it feels for u. how it feels to be u. along tau abah went thru so many thgs in life, and along wish along wld understand. along wish along cld be in urself, and knw how it feels to be u now. wats in ur head, wat ur thinkin and such. God knws how along wish along cld be more than jst dis.


abah, mcm selalu2 - along doakan abah sihat tubuh badan, fizikal mental. moga Allah panjangkan umur abah, agar abah dpt terus beramal ibadat - kekal dalam keimanan dan ketaqwaan. moga abah sihat dan pjg umur - so dat along dan anak2 dpt berbuat amal dan membalas jasa mak abah, jst mcmana abah bersusah pyh membesarkan kami adik beradik. abah perlu sembuh. kami perlu kan abah, still. pls.


perhaps - jst like abah - along face the same thg. difficult in putting thgs, into words. my feeling and such. but i knw - and theres one thg u need to knw, abah - along sayang abah. so much, i dun hav the words for it..


Happy Father's Day, abah.











abah and mak,
Eid'ul Fitr tahun lepas..









Saturday, June 16, 2012

nyte!










had an ordinary, lazy hazy Saturday. for some reasons - aku decided to stay back, instead of head back to kampung. i managed to settle coupla thgs yg dah lama shldve settled way earlier, alhamdulillah.


but then again - ati aku tak tenteram. aku shldve be back kat kampung, wit mak aku - looking after abah. aku wonder how abah is now - its been a week since aku last seen him. aku called mak - mak baru baik demam, serak suara mak.. aku rasa bersalah sgt. dammit - aku shldve be back home, way early in the morn. 


mak ckp esok - mak, angah nak bwk abah berubat dgn ustaz di Karangan, Kedah. and Soleh will be back for a semester break - starting esok. he'll be in by early trow morn. aku bgtau mak, aku akan ikut and bwk mak abah esok. aku will shoot from here as early as aku can - so aku'd be there by 8am. Karangan - tka la jauh mana. tapi jalan heading there - is torturous.


first day after like a month aku tak turun gym - and aku did, today. lite exercise, treadmill for 20mins. balik rumah dah rasa mcm nak sawan. its hot, and aku was literally dahaga - dehydrated gtew. over lah!


nothg much on the net - FB dat is. absolutely nthg on the phone either. idiotbox - lagik la.. tho ada Astro wit byk channels, aku din find any yg menarik pun. same old muvis, boring nyer documentary. FB/ aku lately meluat plak tgk ntah saper2 ntah nya updates muncul kat wall aku. ada yg gedik, sedikit gedik, over gedik etc. ada yg meroy, ada yg konfiden, set2 yg baru nak naik.. haha.. u knw wat i mean. nak clean up the list - tp aku malas and i dun really hav time for dat, as well. aku managed to hide and unsubcribe mana yg ada dpn mata je.


think aku shld crash early tnite. esok nak kuar awal..


gnyte!










Friday, June 15, 2012

malas!







tak sempat lunch. lepas Jumaat, aku sggah rmh, selongkar the fridge for sthg eatable - tp tadak pe2 yg menarik perhatian aku. tot of having Maggi grg mamak, tp aku mls giler nak msuk ofc ptg ni.



tp aku dtg jgk ofc. byk keje tak siap dek tertangguh perasmian Sultan smlm. harapan nak makan kdai mamak hancus, since tak bukak.



and aku tpaksa mkn pe yg ada je. mls giler nak patah kuar cari mkn! huargkh!









meja sepah mcm kandang kuda.










Thursday, June 14, 2012

show me the money!!




















i knw. it bored u to death. but it aint, to me. some ppl tell me to go get life. but hey - i am havin one now, fyi. haha..  i've been watching dis, again and again. i lost count. i remember the last time i watched dis was like coupla yrs back. and i totally forgotten how i was so deep wit dis. and i watched it back again - yesterday, out of nthg to do - in the office. 


and today - on HBO. i was back home by 5.15pm - still in baju keje, threw the socks at the side, baju keje at the other side - and remote in my hand, did the channel surfing. until it stopped at HBO - damn Jerry Maguire is playing! i was smiling to myself. i've been havin the whole movie - the whole shait about it in mind for the whole day, and nite semlm - and it was on the idiotbox. coincidence? no. tell me somethg way better than dat.


i love the story. its about an ordinary man, and ordinary life - gave him a normal story, and made it a great movie. its about an average man wit a kinda pretty cool job, tryin to do the rite thg about his life. nthg very unbelievable in dat. and dats y i like it. u watch it, and u jst like it. u like seein him sweat it out as he writes dat infamous mission statement. u like seein the divorced women's club meet in Dorothy's living room. u like seein dat lil kid teelin Jerry the human head wts 8 pounds. and yeah - 'show me the money!!' kinda thang. u knw wat i am saying.


but wat i love about dis movie - was the personal thgs dat hit me rite away, after first time i watched. i dun knw how to tell u dis - but.. i knw how it is. how it feels. to hav those nervous breakdown, melting into somethg u dun knw wat it is - and ur looking around, looking for urself, a strength to move on. for u cant make any mistake in life - like, no more. and finding thgs dat really matters in life - after all the shyte u've been thru. i dun knw. perhaps - u wanna watch urself, to understand. 


unless u love dat bloody Senario The Movie kinda thang, pls - dun bother.


its been ages anyway. but the Jerry Maguire still one of the best movie - my fav. and dun forget the 'u get me at hello' thang. haha


---


done wit the Majlis Perasmian. Sultan Perak dtg rasmikan the whole thang, today. and me - i was there standing, beside him - in the holding room, aka The Gym. 


i had my legs screamin in shyte, lenguh giler since berdiri, moving for ere to another - non-stop. and i ended up getting home - nursing my bloody aching-heart - to so many unfinished bisnes. talked about a bit of appreciation. a bit of less owh-i-am-ur-boss-u-shut-ur-fuckin-mouth kinda thang. and owh - yeah, talk about u worked like hell, but nbdy knws u. rather than u go around - buat2 bz, put up a bit of show, telling everybdy dat ur 'everythg' and 'anythg' - yet ur a simply douche-bag. 


i gez i gotta learn dat way too, eh? learn to rub shoulders wit all the big-shots. put up a lil bit of show, learn how to brag and get myself a bit of thicker skin. thus - i'll survive.


but the fact is - i am not dat kinda guy. u giv job, i do job. well. u giv job, i do job - yet u get the name. and i'll be standing at the back, smiling.  


bullshyte i knw. 


---


gnyte!


















Wednesday, June 13, 2012

:-)










its   t h r e e  ya, 3.
tiga.
not 2, not  5 or 10.


watever it is - i am honored.
and i am blessed!
luckiest man - alive.

thank you.











Saturday, June 9, 2012

abah, at kampung.
















woke up at 3am - aku bgun Isya' and re-golek. tp tak bley lena. until Subuh at 6am - aku crashed again. tup2 sedar dah 10am. aku bingkas bangun, mandi, siap2 - keluar. main motive is - to rumah angah, since mak abah ada kat sana. and aku nak spend my weekend there, wit mak abah, angah and the minimonsters.


smpai Bagan Serai around 2pm. tu pun aku sia lunch siap2, bwk slow2. nthg to rush pun. abah nampak ok, mak ckp abah mkn selera. alhamdulillah. and abah - mak ckp - has been asking about his anak2 lelaki dia - kat mana and such. kinda nice to knw dat alrite.


by 4pm - aku bwk abah pi kedai barber kat Pekan Bagan Serai - abah need a bit of attention on his outlook; the goatee, janggut misai and such. baru je Soleh bwk pi trim last week, minggu ni muka abah dah penuh wit misai janggut. abah told me he'd prefer me to do the potong janggut misai at home - wish is he was like 'seriau' to do it kat kedai.. aku plak, never did it at home - aku 'seriau' and most of the time, aku ended up shaving kulit muka aku, instead of shaving janggut misai. aku pujuk abah - and alhamdulillah, abah ok wit the idea. he looked so well-kempt after done wit it. smpai rumah ngah - mak tanya if bley tak pi rumah mak long at Kg Larut Tin, Taiping. erm, kampung aku. lama dah tak pi sana pun.. so y not!


abah looked thrill by the time smpai rumah mak long. tho abah keep on asking where he at, he looked familiar wit his surrounding. and aku happy tg abah bersembang dgn mak long, mak cik - as if nthg happened. cuma abah - sometimes dia sembang ok, sometimes he cld be so out of context. still - abah relevant, coherant, and rational. and again - abah tend to repeat the same thg, again and again. and again - aku dah kinda used to it. aku jwb every single q's yg abah tnya, tho he asked it all - again and again, before. one thg about it - abah way better in expressing his feelings now. abah had no restriction telling me dat 'abah syg along, anak sulong abah..' kinda thang - a one thang yg he never say it before. 

around Maghrib, mak ajak balik. abah pun dah nampak penat. singgah Simpang dinner - aku order abah mee mamak, his fav. and sate daging. also his fav. i feel like tears in my eyes, tgk abah mkn dgn sgt selera.. mmg abah suka sgt mee mamak. his fav pun. aku drive balik ke Bagan Serai dgn rasa puas ati. its been a great day spending i wit abah, wit mak around. nthg much i knw, but being able to put aside some time - to at least make em both happy, do the thgs they wanna do well. i am proud of being able to do dat, God sake.

shall be crashing soon. abah dah mkn ubat, dah tido. mak dok sembang2 dgn angah. mini2mons dok golek2 around me - masing2 dah kuyu layu, tunggu time nak tido.

aku wish for better trow. aku wish the very best for abah, esok. and days to come. 

for i love him, so much - i hav no words for dat.


gnyte.








Friday, June 8, 2012

a productive day, no.









gez wat did i do in the ofc today? nothg. absolutely nothg. except for a bit of discussion wit Puan Faridah before solat Jumaat. other than dat - i aint sure wat i am doing.


done wit Perhimpunan Pagi (Anggota) KSKBUK utk Jun 2012, aku terus balik ofis. it was alrdy 9.45am. so watdya expect? all these kakak2 makcik2 and abg pakcik berduyun2 kuar mkn. aku naik - ofc., sape pun tak dak. aku still hav a bit of thgs to be done by Monday - tp aku dun hav a mood to even click it open pun. aku malas nak kuar bilik, since since early in the morn., sumer org dok tegur aku since aku pakai dis red hot kaler merah nyer baju melayu. w/o sampin. yeah - w/o the so-called skirt. shyte aku dah letak sampin hitam aku atas sofa semlm lagik, and aku lupa dis morning. aku feel so like 'berbogel' masuk Dewan Seri Perak w/o it, and all dis makcik2, all staffs dok tanya 'mana sampin?', 'mana songkok?' and 'merah weh!' kinda thang. darn i am not goin to pakai dia baju melayu kaler dis, anymore.


and havin the thong on, wit baju  melayu satin plus no sampin is the last thg i wanna be in, God sake. never again.


its 4.15pm and aku still wondering wat i am doin in ere. i've been listening to most of the songs on my mp3 list, and i've been reading a lot as well. blog-hopping dat is. mati lah kalo bos aku tau.


shyte. its 4.20pm! time to kemas meja. 40mins to 5, dammit.


wait. wat to kemas? hah! sigh.













its Friday.









woke up at 3.30am, aku lepak2 tgk tv jap. before 5am, aku dah siap Isya', tahjud and hajat - tunggu Subuh. aku called mak after Subuh, jst tryin my best kot2 mak changed her mind regarding options of management for abah.


semlm, around 6pm - Dr Suresh of Neuro Hosp Sg Buloh called me up, as promised. beside he told me dat i need to go down to Sg Buloh again for a bit of discussion on treatment/management for abah - he told me dat abah need to be referred to Neuroncology in HKL for treatment. and they un think surgery is the best option. aku sent out msges to adik2 aku - angah, cik, kak yang and Soleh regarding dat. and i am sure mak will knw milli-sec after dat.


and mak called me real soon, after it. mak ckp tak pyh lah kot, dat abah 'dah nampak ok sket' and 'kita berubat biasa2 dah la ya along.. sian abah'. as expected. she knws i wont go tell her knw. yet she did not instructed me, or she did not make any decision - mak jst pujuk aku to go along wit her tot, yet aku din say anythg. aku diam je. apart of her words r true - abah nampak penat lately, berat bdn susut. ageing. i knw how it is to go thru chemo/radio. the pros and cons.


and again - she told me the same jst now. aku tak tau nak ckp pe. the tot of abah 'dah nampak ok sket' - aku tak tau nak ckp apa. perhaps mak btol. perhaps mak cldve jst tryin so hard to tell good thgs to herself and anak2, so everythg will be ok. but the fact is - nbdy knws wat is goin on in abah's head. the changes he went thru for the past 1 month - is scaring me. but then, the 'abah dah nampak ok sket' is sthg i wish it is for real. u knw how it is, rite?


sigh.





Thursday, June 7, 2012

headache.







still havin the throbbing headache. i wish i knw how to classify they type of headache dat i am havin now. dr pagi tadik lagik., amek Paracematol - lega la kejap. lunch time tadik - i found myself at home by 12pm lagik, and had a nap. woke up by 1.30pm - mandi, solat aku terus off to work. there r a lot of thgs to be done, and aku hav no other choice to choose - other than sit and finish em all up.


mak, abah, kak ngah, abg ngah and Soleh dah balik rumah ngah kat Bagan Serai. mak called, thanking me and such. she cried - telling me w/o me around - she din knw where she'd be. sayu aku rasa. berair mata, Tuhan je tahu. aku told her - its not me alone. its adik2 aku. its ppl around me. me myself - i dun knw where wld i be, how wld i be w/o adik2 aku, w/o mak aku sendiri. 


i am not strong. i knw how it is for me. tho s'times i mght look like i am ok, tho most of the time aku tell everybdy around me - dat i am ok - only Tuhan je tahu how it is, for me inside. only God knws all those countless nite, when i cant closed my eyes and sleep - i break down and cry - for thgs i am facing and such. and i'll fall asleep on it. and i wake up looking as if i am brave enuff to face the world, and i am ok - for all occasion. 


i am still thinking of abah. how i wish aku at angah's now - be around him, take care of him - as much as he was around me - all dis while. there r so many thgs i need to do, so many thgs i wanna do for him - but i dun knw if i cld. if i ever hav time left for it. every time aku solat, aku tak pernah tinggal berdoa for him, for mak as well. but still - aku rasa tak cukup. aku jst dun knw how to deal wit dis feeling.


leaving the ofc real soon. aku dun feel like doin anythg at all, except hit home - and keep thgs to myself. i jst need some time - to sort all thgs out, and be a lil bit rational. 


if all dis time, i keep asking myself wat life is.. i gez now, i hav no time to think about it anymore. i jst need to live it well. 


aku jst need to live it to the max, while abah is still around. while its not too late.










morn.











woke up at 6.15am, aku knew it was kinda late alrdy. had a struggled nite to get a bit of proper sleep - aku bingkas bangun since aku remember mak and abah ada kat bawah. sitting at the edge of the bed wit an open door, aku cld hear abah berwirid down-stairs. hit the shower, iron baju batik for keje - siap2, and aku turun panaskan enjin kete plus hav my morn dose of caffeine. kak ngah, abg ngah and Soleh r nowhere to be seen. aku bet they r still in their own rooms, done wit Subuh, smbung tido for a lil while.


had my big mug of Nescafe, all the pills et al - aku duduk sebelah abah yg still atas sejadah dgn mak. abah tanya aku where i am goin - told him dat aku keje today, and aku gotta go to work. abah hold my hand - told me a thg or two - abah suruh jaga diri, jaga keluarga mak adik2, keje elok2, build up a good family, love others well and such. tho mak kept on telling abah yg abah is 'recovering', abah ckp 'tak pa la.. maybe abah dah ok sikit, tp abah rasa abah idup pun dah tak lama..' again and again, jst like semlm. and he cried. seein tears rolling down his cheeks - aku tried so hard to contain myself. aku was trembling. and aku cant help silently had tears in my eyes. mak - menangis as usual. she kept on reassuring abah dat thgs gonna be jst fine, dat abah akan sembuh as before. abah jst cried, and nodded his head. aku salam and cium abah - as usual. and he put his hand on my head. God knws how it feels - he never did dat all my life. aku salam mak, cium pipi mak and aku left.


driving to work wit empty headed. aku wish to continue my leave, for i dun feel to work pun - at all. i had my mind all over places. i had my heart, my soul left behind wit mak, abah. but i knw i cant be like dis all the time. i gotta move on wit life, watever it is. 


so many thgs at work. meja bersepah. semak as kepala otak aku. aku not sure how to face the whole day, today.














Wednesday, June 6, 2012

nyte, abah!














done wit Sg Buloh, aku and fmly terus ke Serdang - dah janji dgn ustaz semlm, nak bwk abah berubat ari ni. sampai Masjid UPM - we decided nak Zohor dulu. abah awal2 lagik mintak aku jadik imam - since 'abah celaru, takut silap' kinda thang. he looks so sad the whole day, today. and aku jst do wat i shld do - imamkan abah solat Zohor. abes solat - aku mintak abah doakan solat kami. dia w/o any hesitation - angkat tangan dan berdoa, as well as he did all dis while before. waktu kecik2 dulu - aku used to  mengeluh a lot bila solat dgn abah, and abah akan doa pjg. but dis time around - aku jst looked at him, and aku really do enjoy every bit dat coming out from his mouth - fluently, as if abah tak sakit apa2.


lepak2 jap lps Zohor. once in a while - abah paling tgk aku yg lepak belakang dia, smiling. bila aku tnya - he told me 'abah rasa abah dah byk kali dtg sini..', and i am glad he remembered. aku grad UPM, kak yang pun. dah byk kali kami singgah UPM, masjid UPM solat berehat etc. and soon after dat - he looked and me and asked if dia dah solat Zohor or not.. again and again. and again - he kept on telling me the same thang - how was it to be anak sulung, dia mintak aku tgk2 adik2 - bimbing dorg jadi insan berguna, tegur diorang bila perlu - its ok kalo diorang benci aku for aku jalankan tggjwb aku, as long as Allah syg aku. aku cld see tears in his eyes - i knw he felt it dat way, for dats wat happened to him. adik2 abah - pakcik makcik aku sebelah abah yg kemaruk harta tuduh abah mcm2, pulau kami sekeluarga - we went thru em all. tp aku tau niat abah. aku kenal abah aku. dia tak amek satu sen pun harta pusaka tok aku. until now - not even sorang pun adik2 abah really care, tanya khabar et al - and aku hate em all, God sake.


biar la. aku ada keluarga aku sendiri - adik2 aku, mak. and abah. aku will make sure wat ever happens to abah - wont be happen to me, to us lima adik beradik. abah kept on pesan kat aku to jaga mak, to take care of mak bila he is not around anymore. and jaga Soleh jugak, adik bongsu aku. 


driving all the way from Tapah - Iph, aku cant help thinkin each words he said to me, each of every thg he told me. i cld feel theres tears in my eyes, but i gez i am dats the way it is. sekali sekala aku sedar - abah dok renung aku time driving, and aku jst let it be. aku cant stare into his eyes anymore. dat looks, dat empty looks.. its killing me.









abah dah tdo. and so do mak. they put up a nite ere, since esok abg ngah, kak ngah and Soleh balik Bagan Serai. aku rasa sunyi tonite. so sunyi aku feel as if theres a hole in me. theres so many thgs aku nak bgtau mak - regarding wat the doc said, regarding wat abah told me all day - but i dun knw if i shld. i dun knw if dat wld help pun. mak tak tnya aku pun apa doc ckp, as if dia redha dgn ketentuan Allah Taala, jst like dat. aku wish to hav her strength. aku wish to hav her ability to berlapang dada, as it is. aku tau - semua ni ketentuan Allah Taala. ujian Allah. 


Allah tak akan turunkan ujian dan tinggalkan hambaNya jst like dat.


aku feel so tired. aku mentally exhausted. i jst need a crash.








gnyte.








abah, post-biopsy











and its cnfirm - post-biopsy histo-patho exam - its Astrocytoma WHO Grades III. aku terdiam jap by the time the doc told me so. i knew its high grade tumor, but i never thk it'd dis far.

the doc told me its almost impossible to remove it surgically, or perhaps maybe. aku told the doc to tell sthg new. sthg i dun knw. and again, he told me he cant tell me much, its pending trow morn cnference wit all specialist, cnsultant and such. aku tau abh fhm every each words, but he kept lookin at me wit dat looks - aku dun knw how to describe.

they will call me real soon - for better options. maybe need ref to neuroncology HKL. maybe needs a chemo. maybe radio. maybe both.

yet mak awal2 lg not keen any of the above.

Grades III. at least its not IV. at least.. Ya Allah.





posted from Bloggeroid

abah, sg buloh.







at Neuro Clinic, Hosp Sg Buloh. abh kept on havin his labile mood - at one time he is ok, at anther he'd called me and tellin me thgs as if theres no trow, for him. i hate to hav dat from him. i hate to indulge all those negativity, for dat'd wld hurt me even more.


as for me, abh nampah a bit of regress. he kept asking same thgs even way frequently, he cried a lot. he kept telling me to jaga mak, jaga adk2, to be responsible as anak sulung. again and again. hell i knw it. i knw it well. but abh make it so weird as if theres no more after dis. but then - aku jst diam. aku jst listen to him well. aku kept reassure him dat aku tau tggjwb aku and he shldnt be wori a thang.


God, besar sgt tggjwb aku Ya Allah.


aku wonder hows the result wld be like. aku wonder hows thgs gonna be like. for abh, for me, for us. aku cld see hows mak looked kinda frustrated - abh was a bit ok lps berubt dgn few ustaz, yet thgs recur balik. aku tau all dis, aku did bgtau mak - tp mak chose to believe, mak chose to cling to hopes yg aku tau - as it is. bkn aku giv up. no. kalo bley, aku nak abh sht mcm dulu2. tp abh hav a massive growth, in a brain, deep-seated - and theres nthg much u can abt it, pun.


aku tak bley tdo mlm tdi. all dis uncertainty is killin me.

posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

nasik lemak and birdie-boi.














aku bukan la fancy sgt dgn nasik lemak pun. gitu2 je. kalo ada, ada. kalo tadak, sudah lah. tp most of the time - ko cari la kat sumer kedai mkn kat around ere, rata2 jual nasik lemak. so wat else to choose, kan? and pagi ni - aku bangun je - terus teringat nak sarap nasik lemak Mak Jah. nasik lemak Mak Jah sedap. panas2. kalo ko mkn nasik lemak Mak Jah - sah2 ko nanges. bukan pe - sambal ikan sardin dia melimpah ruah, lbey dr nasik itself. bley? and Mak Jah baik org nyer. nampak je aku and member2 masuk kedai - dia terus terpacak tepi meja nak mintak order. belum sempat duduk pun. and dia panggil aku 'Tuan'. tang mana 'Tuan', aku pun tatau.


balik je dr conduct erobik pagi tadik - aku tgk kedai Mak Jah tak bukak. heran jgk. pehal? Mak Jah tak plak pernah tutup kedai sesuka ati. Subuh2 dah bukak. tak kan dia cuti ikut cuti skol? geram pun ada. terpaksa aku patah balik, pi Kedai Nasik Lemak Bawak Pokok akak mulut biadap tu. i mean - dorang tak la biadap mana. tp akak neh, and the whole fmly (they run the bisness sekeluarga) - mulut masing2 tak menahan. jerit sesama seniri, gelak mcm kuntilanak. and the worst part is - sumer org dorang nak laser. tak kira umur pangkat bangsa dan agama. aku pun selalu jugak kena laser. aku gelak mcm kuntilanak jugak.


tadi, time aku tapau nasik lemak, akak biadap neh siap soal siasat - nape peluh2, nape tak keje, cuti ke, nak pi mana etc. she was like 'rajin inche kita ni bersenam.. padan la bdn selim melim' and ngilai satu kedai. aku pun ngilai jugak. tup2 dia berenti, and 'suka kan, org ckp dia selim!'. sentap aku! aku rasa nak perkop je balang nasik lemak kat paler akak neh. sgt gampang.


---


tunggu mak. nak pi UPM berubat dgn Hj Bidin kat sana. mak dah buat appointment. aku amek la cuti ari ni and esok, teman mak. Soleh pi jugak kot.. wit angah and abg ngah. esok - follow up Sg Buloh. result biopsy abah pun esok. from dat result - docs will determine wat kinda treatment and management utk abah nanti.


abah dah ok sket. tp tak la mcm dulu. bdn kurus sket, bergerak pun perlahan2. orientation still bad - he cant tell day or nite, place and such. tp org dia kenal.. mkn alhamdulillah - abah selera. its kinda sad each time aku tgk abah - aku cant help to associate wit thgs yg aku belajar, yg aku dok ajar stdnt2 aku. tak pe lah.. yg penting abah ok - boleh beramal ibadat, bley spend time wit us all - aku dah cukup bersyukur. ofkoz - aku nak abah aku yg dulu.. tp aku tau, it'd be difficult.



---








btw - maybe aku dha terlambat. but its ok to be terlambat rather than nothg at all. HAPPY BELATED BIRD-DAY Mr Chimon aka Azman Abdullah!! wishing u the very best in life, work et al, insyaAllah. stay cool, stay witty and stay crazy.


:-)