Saturday, May 26, 2012

abah..






off to Baling. wit angah, abg ngah and mak. singgah jat kat kdai spek - aku intended nak buat spek, since yg lama dah tertggal kat Sg Buloh. tokey kedai spek tu did a routine chck-up, and abah started to argue on thgs. my fault since aku tak explain btol2 rgrdg abah's cndition.

he kept on asking abah dis and dat, and abah dah nampak mcm hostile sket. aku bwk abh keluar - and aku explained to the guy, rgrdg abh's cndition. all we want is abh to hav a bit of clear vision - so he can enjoy life, do thgs better. regardless abh ada a bit of cataract or not. aku ckp kat tauke kdai spek - jst do a spek utk abh, dats it. and aku'll pay watever it is.

only after dat, the owner toned down. kalo tak he kept on preaching abh and me to go to specialist, get rid of the cataract et al.

and he gav us a good price, too.


---


abh dgn aku ok. dia dgr reasoning, my explaination. tp dgn angah and mak, he's a bit harsh. mak nanges2 cerita kat aku.. he argued dis and dat, keep repeating thgs, forgeting thgs - then marah mak as if mak tak ingatkan dia.

abh dah susut bdn sket. tp dah bley moves arnd, wit a bit of gait. orientation still poor. recent and immediate memory poor as well.

tak pa lah. ni masa abah. as anak abah, aku will face all dis. abah sgt liat nak pi berubat, he gives excuses and asking for reasons why. and aku tpaksa cnvince him, again and again - and each time i did, he'd jst stare into my eyes, wits so many thgs in his mind.

aku rasa sdey. but i cant go arnd showing it on my face.

i can take care of my dad, i can deal wit dat. but dis feelings in me - aku tak tau.. :’(

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, May 25, 2012

Fly-Day!








another Friday sets in. aku bgun lambat ari ni - lately ni bdn rasa mcm tak sedap je. mcm tak sihat. post-demam la kot. maybe. demam dah reda - tp bdn rasa..argkh. so pagi ni, jam dah bunyi at 5.30am - tp aku snoozed for coupla times, ended up by 6.20am - baru aku kelam kabut bgun - dgn belum Subuh, baju tak iron bagai. but then - aku take thgs slow - theres nthg to rush pun. theres nthg much in the ofc, God sake.


aku swear to God i hate driving to the ofc. bukan apa - the traffic and the ppl i hav to face all along the way. org2 small town neh pelik sket - they drive like nbdy biz., as if the road is belong to tok nenek dorang. masuk tak bagi signal, masuk kiri kanan tak bersignal. argkh. pagi tadik pun - mood aku kinda so so - aku changed into a monster mode since dis one lady (aku rasa cikgu la kot), masuk jalan besar lepas beli nasik lemak bagai - jst like dat. himpit2, masuk. bodoh sgt. aku rasa nak gumpal2 je kete dia, sekali dgn tuan2 - campak masuk Sg Kinta. padan muka.


erm, mak ckp aku ada masalah - each time aku masuk kete - she's scared. she said i am a monster bila aku behind the wheels. tp she preferred me to drive - rather than cik or Soleh. yet refused to reason out why. saja la tu kan? haha.. and abah pun never complains about me driving. he'll get in the car, and he'll sleep. most of the time - he nak duduk belakang la.. or otherwise he'll like 'penat asyik tekan brek jugak' kinda thang.. erm, dat was then la - time abah sihat dulu. and aku realized aku tak bley drive and listen to such Linkin Park or Pink at the same time - aku'll get worst. peliks, eh?


maybe ptg ni or awal esok pagi - aku nak balik kg. nak bawak abah pi Baling, berubat. not sure the whereabouts, tak kenal pun ustaz tu - tp a fren of mine rekemen saying dat, dat ustaz bley berubat all dis kanser, growth watever not. aku had no time to argue - sama ada it'll works or not - watever comes on the table, and cld giv us hope and make abah way better - we'll giv it a shoot. aku used to eb a bit skeptical about all dis - the Tea Belalai Gajah la, apricot la, apa la.. but at time like dis - aku telan je my ego and such - dis is for abah. not me.


u hav a pleasant Friday, peeps.









Tuesday, May 22, 2012

demam!













yeap. fever. i am havin one now. wit the runny nose, and perit tekak as well. tho aku amek Panadol, anti-histamine seblm tdo - wit the hope by the time aku wake up dis morn., and i'd be ok - still, aku demam. tdo pun tak lena mana. around 2am, aku walked out dr main bedroom since it was so cold, aku blah tdo kat bilik study aku. still - aku tak lena mana pun. its like aku pejam mata - yet aku tau yg aku tossing around, and such. 5.30am - alarm screaming out loud, aku terus bgun.


rasa mcm malas nak pi keje - tp aku ada few thgs to settle kat ofc. appointments dgn few stdnts on their research, on material for their defending proposal and such. itu je la kot. tgk la.. kalo aku tak larat sgt - sah2 la aku balik tdo je.


Fazli bising since dah lama aku tak turun gym. dia turun - tp penuh stdnts. and dia mls. dia mls so dia kaitkan aku. mcm ampeh. kalo dia nak kaitkan aku since dia naik berat bdn, sah2 la jgk yg  mkn dumb bell je kang. 


anyway - hav a pleasant Tuesday guys! see u.











Monday, May 21, 2012

pdg rengas. gng semanggol. abah.










done wit clinical teaching by noon. aku terus head for angah's house in Bagan Serai. cant wait to see abah actually. since he was discharged last Friday, i yet get the chance to see him pun. sampai rumah - mak dok sembang dgn angah kat dapur - while all the minimonsters r away kat skol. aku masuk tgk abah - he was sleeping. by the time aku nak left the room - he called me, asking 'izam hang pi mana tak balik? hang pi mana?', wit dat garang looks. i knw he dun knw wat he's talking, so i jst explained him btol2, and left him for a while.

lepas salam mak et al, aku masuk balik bilik - he looks at me, and mintak maaf since 'abah kadang2 ckp tak betul, abah mintak maaf' sort of thgs. aku tersentak sekejap.. basically, dis is my dad for real. i am ok wit watever he is - for the condition he is in, now. the last time i remember seein his MRI - the growth r alrdy invading his right part of interventricular of the brain, and a bit on his occipital part of the brain - i gez dats explain y he's havin pretty bad vision himself. i cant walk tall - he told me he's seein the floor 'tinggi rendah' and dia rasa sgt gayat.


abah looks so tired. i swear to God he's losing weight, w'pun selera mkn dia ok je. his orientation to time, place is poor - he hardly tell wats the time and where he at pun. tadi he kept on asking me 'Subuh dah masuk ke' and 'abah dan sembahyang Subuh ke belum', tho jam dah pukul 4pm. and he kept asking me to remind him 'nanti peringat abah waktu solat, kalo abah lupa' - so tadi aku helped him out amek wuduk dan let him solat Asar, as it is. one thg about abah yg dia tak lupa - ayat2 Al Quran, doa, wirid sentiasa lekat di mulut dia.. and abah still mampu solat berdiri, lengkap dgn doa dan wirid - darn aku berair mata, listening to his wirid.. its been ages since aku last heard abah berwirid mcm tu.


mak looks tired too. mak menangis telling me thgs - abah w'pun sakit, tp still dgn sikap dia mcm muda2 - laser, keras ati. and it looks like aku kena deal wit both of em - mak, and abah. aku tau how mak feels - abah is no longer abah yg she knew, the hopeless, helpless, shes scared, worried. the hope. the faith. all thgs in her head. i knw. she dun hav to tell a thang. for i knw. and aku thank God, at least ngah is around. and it makes me feel sgt lega - for i knw mak and abah - they r in a good hand. 


drove back to Ipoh by 5.30pm.. empty-headed. some ppl told me to be prepared wit thgs, eventually it'll happens. i knw it is. no doubt. but its not me to jst giv in - jst like dat. but then again - how i wish i cld knw wats the hope like. wat kinda hope i am clinging on to. wat kinda hope - we r all clinging on to. i hate myself for keep on tellin my ownself - not to hav a high hope on it. but i cant help myself. i jst want abah - jst like before. 

call me denial. or tell me somethg good.


---


feels like feverish. perit tekak. dah amek ubat - think i shld crash.


gnyte.








hi there!









by 4am, aku dah bangun. mata dah segar bugar, i dun feel like crashin anymore. so aku turun bwh - made myself a big mug of Nescafe (as usual) and ke hulu ke hilir siap2 for work today. its Moday. who likes Monday? as for me - i do. at least for today. since aku tak pyh masuk ofc ari neh - aku will str8 off for lawatan pra-klinikal; pemantauan and clinical teaching to KK Padang Rengas and KK Gng Semanggol. jauh, aku tau. tapi according to Mr Bong, he purposely put me thru so dat 'lps settle sumer kerja, ko bley la blah pi tgh ayah ko keja.. since dah dkt dgn kampung, kan?' kinda thang. and dats wat i am gonna do today - tambah2 plak abah mak kat rumah ngah di Bagan Serai je.. tak la jauh mana. thanks to him. at time like dis - aku glad havin such so many nice good ppl around me. perhaps - Allah mempermudahkan it all, for me. ameen.


smpai dr KL semlm around 10pm. siap2 sumer - baju keje suar keje belt socks kasut etc - aku terus masuk tdo. tak la ngantok sgt - tp aku nak rht lbey sket. but since on the way back - aku rasa dkt 2 tin Nescafe aku teguk - darn i gotta struggle a bit to get my bloody eyes to close.. sedar2 dah 4ish am in the morn.


---


semlm, while aku mkn and tunggu Maghrib at R&R Sg Buloh, mak msged aku. she told me dat abah dah bley bgun perlahan2 from kerusi mls and wanted to solat so badly - and he did, wit his solat duduk. i terharu giler baca msg mak - aku terus called her up. and yeah - abah dah seolah2 getting better - ngah and adk2 were so delighted. and so do i - demi Allah. tho deep in me, i dun put much hope. no - dun get me wrong - as a medical personnel, i knw how it is. and alhamdulillah - mak too, she knew how it is. she told me - dgn kuasa Allah Taala, anythg cld be possible. tho shunt in abah's brain helped a lot - mak tau we cldnt do anythg wit the growth - for it keeps on growing, unless if abah go for a proper treatment - soon. 


but for now - dis is more than jst enuff for me. for all of us. abah is a strong man. he always is. we look up for him. and to see him break down like dis - it tears us apart. i knw it torn him apart, as well. 


all i want now - is a quality time wit him, wit us - the whole fmly. aku yakin ada hikmah di sebalik all dis - tho most of the time, aku wld be so blind dat i dun wats the good side of it. but aku yakin - Allah tidak turunkan ujian kepada hambaNya, jst like dat. 


---


need to siap2 now. i will see u around, peeps. u hav a glory Monday ya!















Friday, May 18, 2012

..









i had a dream of abah jst now. it wakes me up all the sudden, and i am not sure y. all i knw - i had tears running my cheeks. and i wet my pillow. i wake up and i sit at the edge of the bed - in the dark, thinkin. i am tryin so hard to recall wat its all about - but i cant remember a bit, at all. all i knw - i am havin thgs about abah in my head - and around me - it is so strong, and its haunting me.


i walked out the room, sat by the stairs. i had the phone in my hand - and i feel like talkin to someone. but its 3.15am in the morn. its impossible. i remember years back - i had the same thang happened, jst like dis. i had a dream about abah, i cant remember a single thg - i woke up and i called him rite away. all i got was like, 'apa hang merapu pagi2 ni along.. dah, pi tido!' kinda thg. i put down the phone, wit smile on my face. i knw its kinda harsh, but dats the way abah is. he is not good in showing his feelin to us. to any of us. and i remember years back, too - i suddenly had dis smell of his minyak attar.. it was like all in the air, in my whole room. its kinda scary - its like abah was there, around me. when i knw he was thousand miles away from me. i am not sure if i am hallucinating.  i jumped out the bed, i made a call and managed to talk to mak. mak then told me dat abah had a wide smile, ear to ear - goin around wit statement like, 'ingat jugak izam kat abg' - thgs like dat.


i had the phone in my hand - i wanna call him rite away. but i knw he's not gonna pick up the phone anymore. he din do dat nowadays - mak did. i long to talk to him, telling him dat i had a dream of him. dat i suddenly think of him - so much dat it brings tears to my eyes. i wanna call mak - but i knw she's alrdy asleep. i wanna call someone, but i jst dun knw who.


i ended up putting the phone down, and walk into the shower.


i regret for so many thgs i yet to get the chance telling him. even if i tell him thgs now, i am not sure if he understands me. if he knws wat i am sayin. mak called me semlm, telling dat abah asked her 'mana izam?', where as for the past of 3 to 4 days - i was there around him, sleepin beside him. nursing him.  mak told me dat she told abah so, and he went like 'tu la.. abg rasa pun mcm tu.. izam ada, tp abg tak ingat..'. and i silently weeping away.


i am counting days. i dun wanna do dat. but - eventually, i keep lookin at the the dates and such. doc told me 3 to 4 mths - the shunt will eventually blocked, and theres nthg much u can do. and the growth - they keep on spreading, and nothg much they can do about it. but i dun want to believe dat. who want to anyway, God sake? i told mak about it - but i din get the chance to finish it off - mak told me to shut up, and 'ingat Allah, berlapang dada dgn ujian Allah'. and i keep it to myself.  i told myself not to giv up easily. adik-adik and me, we will go all out - tryin wat ever it is, to keep abah sihat mcm dulu. for i need him around. for all of us need him around.


i never go thru dis kinda shyte before. and its killin me, really.










Thursday, May 17, 2012

..







and in the end of all bulshyte i went thru since the mornin, wit all the shyte in mind - finally aku manage to smile. wit a bit of tears in my eyes. there r always words for all thgs in the world - but for dis - i am not sure where to find one, and how to arrange em all - so dat i cld make u understand, how it is for me. how good it hits me. and how it makes me drown in my own world, yeah.


it cld mean nthg for u. but it means the whole wide world, to me.













post-noon.








masuk ofc - aku terus jumpak Mr Bong. as aku expected - since aku did receive coupla calls from him (tp aku tak sempat jwb), i knw there'll be shyte waiting for me at the ofc door. and it is. semlm OSCE - budak2 aku buat hal. masuk bilik kurantin lewat, masukOSCE lambat, bwk henpon, tak bwk pen, tak bwk stateskop, tak patuh arahan, take thgs for granted and many more. aku jst duduk dpn Mr Bong, and listen. deep in me - Allah je tahu - aku geram, marah. aku tinggal kolej tak smpai pun 2weeks, and they r acting as if the kolej belongs to bapak dorang. and Mr Bong gav me a big plastic bag of handphones - budak2 aku punya yg dirampas bwk masuk kurantin room - time OSCE. jst imagine. dis is not a first sem nyer attitude. dis is third sem nye perangai we r talking about. bukan nya dorang tak pernah sat for any exams. or OSCEs.


aku bengkek. sgt2 bengkek. 


join other do the marking. many of aku nyer member2 lecturers/ofc did ask regarding my dad. aku jst tell em all as it je lah. ada jgk yg tanya where hav i been, and nape aku nampak moncong. aku jst replied em wit a plain smile - i dun feel like explaining. few of em, jokingly told me 'ur not urself' - and again, aku smiled away, plainly.  aku tadak mood nak bersosial pun, ari ni God sake. aku batalkan semua appointments aku dgn stdnts. and those stdnts yg dtg nak tuntut henpon masing2 - aku refused to see any, aku bgtau operator kat bwh - to tell all stdnts dat i dun wanna see any of em.


at least, i had my piece of mine - doin and settling my own thgs.


---


aku called mak every now and then. mak kept on telling me, dat shes ok. and abah is ok. yet again - i've learnt my lesson well. aku tau mak will say dat again and again, for she dun want me to be worry. but the fact is - i do worry.


---


cant wait for 5pm. i wanna hit home. and i need a crash. very badly. i had dis throbbing headache since morning. and its haunting me.









morn!









crashed by 2am, 4.30am i alrdy wide awake. went downstairs, get myself a big mug of cold milk - aku lepak je dpn tv. not knwing wats playin pun - channel surfing, dats the thang. aku rasa malas sgt nak masuk ofc ari ni - dr smlm aku dok fikir am i or not shld take a real long leave - so aku can sort thgs out, way better. perhaps. be it unpaid leaves ke apa. 

by 6am - aku dah siap - iron baju, get thgs ready for the ofc. pergi awal la pg ni, bet there'll hell to be done in the ofc pagi ni. and the plan is - aku nak ngadap Mr Bong first thg first. biasak la.. nanti boss kecik aku tu melenting, tak senang idup. and today - i dun feel like berbaju batik pun. aku amek a simple stripes long sleeves, and aku dun feel like to hav the tie on pun. baut apa. bukan nya ada kelas pun.


called mak coupla times after Subuh. tak dpt2. but on the 4th ring, she picked up. as expected - dia demam balik. she was there wit abah up till past midnite, when she went mintak tlg s/nurses to look after abah since she need to go back to her Balai Pelawat and rest there. mak tak tahan air-cond, and Hosp Sg Buloh semua ward fully aircond. mak cpt jatuh sakit kalo air-cond lama2. she prefer the conventional way - kipas je. aku rasa bersalah. aku wonder how abah is kat ward. and now mak plak tak sihat. sigh.


---


i am sorry. aku tend to be a bit sensitive lately. i knw i am. perhaps its the thg i am goin thru. perhaps, its the shyte in my head - dat i am not sure how to deal wit it, well pun. 


u hav a good Thursday, ya. make sure u enjoy every petty lil thgs thru out the day. its not all the big thg in life dat makes ur life, a life sometimes. its the small lil thgs. the small, petty lil thgs. 


i gez life's is like dat. u dun hav to go describing it. u jst need to live it well je.


see u around.








gnyte.









7.30pm, aku masuk hi-way Sg Buloh - Ipoh. i drove wit a consistent speed - i had nothg to rush for. i left mak and abah wit tears in their eyes, and God knws how it feels like. i had my mind so empty i remember not havin a clue where i at and such. i jst see the signage as it is, and i drive. i remember havin an empty stomach dat i told someone i wld stop anywhere along the high-way for a quick dinner, but i din make any stop, at all. 


i remember seein the dark road - wit the spot-light on it. its like ur life, dat is. u drive in the dark, u cld see wats there in front of u, under the light. u follow the white line, if u think ur kinda lost. and beyond dat - u dun even hav a clue. there cld be a bump. cld be a hole. it cld be anythg at all. so u go on wit life - as it is. u pick thgs up along the way, not knwing wats for u beyond all dat. u cld stumble. u cld fall. not knwing if u cld stand up again - and walk tall.


aku started to feel as if i am goin around the circle, again. i've been ere before. and i've left dis shitty feelin behind, years back. but then - i am in one, again - now. living ur life wit dis feeling in u - hatred, dissatisfaction, scared, sad, confusion, hate.. u go around find somethg u cld point ur finger to. somethg u cld blame on - for shyte in ur life. for hell u dun even expect to face it, along the way. i hav to say dat i am still in denial - wit thgs goin around me, lately. around us, to be precise. i cant believe wat happened to us. i wonder why. i wonder why us. why abah? the feelin in u when all dis while - u dun believe in miracle - but dis time around, ur down on ur knee, hoping for one. hoping. yeah - hoping. u knw wats goin to be - yet ur hoping for somethg better.


do u knw how it feels? do u understand how the fuck it is?


its like ur strugglin to hold on to somethg, yet u dun knw wats dat somethg is. u knw how it'll end - yet ur tryin so hard to re-frame ur mind wit shayte like 'thgs will be ok' and bulshyte like dat.


i am mad. i am sad at the same time. i am so hopeless.


i jst.. i jst dun knw wat else to say.


---


gnyte.










Monday, May 14, 2012

abah, again. and again.






aku sampai sg buloh pun dah arnd lunch time. bkn tak nak dtg awal, smlm aku sampai ipoh dr sg buloh pun dah arnd 1am. and it is - aku still ting tong. aku ngantok giler mlm tdi, tp bila dah in bed, pyh plak nak lena. aku teringat abah kat wad. aku teringat mak yg nak tggu abah, tp mak plak demam2.

by subuh baru aku tlena. and yeap, subuh resakse.

10ish aku bru hit the road.

abah dah ok byk. cuma dia byk diam. yet still cnfuse. disorientation to time, place. aku mandikan abah, bg mkn pe yg dia nak. aku suruh mak rht je la.. each time kena aircnd, mak dah ketaQ2. sian aku tgk..

aku will stay ere smpai Rabu. peh ni adk2 aku nye turn plak. its nice to do all sort of thgs to abah, when he really in need. aku rasa bangga wit wat i am doin, biarpun susah mcmana skali pun.

for he's my father. and i dun hav any other.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, May 10, 2012

nyte









home finally. tadik kuar dinner - a decent one - then terus pi ofc sekejap. done wit few thgs kat ofc., aku terus balik.. and packing. esok awal2 pagi i'll be shooting terus ke Hosp Sg Buloh, as early as 4am in the morn., since abah masuk OT for shunt (under GA) around 8am. or perhaps, a bit earlier then dat. i dun wanna miss seein him, and be around him before dat.. i jst want to be there - wit mak, cik, Soleh, kak yang (sampai semlm) and kak ngah (she was in early dis morn.).


mak told me abah a bit better ptg tadik. or as Soleh  ckp, he is way better dr semlm, for the whole day - today.  they made me wanna be there rite away, demi Allah. how i wish i am closer, God sake.


thinkin back - i kinda go thru a lot, lately. u mght think its nthg. but for me - its everythg. i went thru a lot, and i learn a lot as well. i cld see thgs clearly now - most of the thg. i must say dat i am anak sulung yg spoil-brad, and u dun wanna be like me. and all dis - i really learn a lot. about life. about a lot of thgs.


shall be crashing now. esok nak bgun awal.


gnyte, ppl!







..home.







reached home by 9.30ish, last nite. i am not sure how fast i was driving, and i gez from Rawang to Ipoh - it was like 2hrs plus. i think. i had my mind wandering about, i dun really care about the signage and such. reached home, hit the shower, solat - and off for MumuLand. had a tough time struggling to get my eyes closed - and by 5.30am - all i knew was the alarm was screaming, and i gotta dragged my lazy feet to the shower.


Hafiz called. we talked for a while. he's a bitch fren of mine - but then, at time like dis - we do talk. he told me few bosses bitching around sayin i shldve 'balik report duty dulu..', 'kursus lama2.. cuti lama2..' and such. they din knw the situation. and they judged.


i am goin to see Pengarah right away. ere i am - working, where others cldve been doin wat i am doin now pun. marking, invigilating. ramai yg mengelat, absconding. tp aku baru je few days tadak - kecoh nak mampus. 


---


texted Soleh early in the morn. he was there wit abah thru out the nite. we cldnt get a 1st class ward in Sg Buloh. the y dun hav it God sake. so - 2nd class je. and sorang je allowed to stay around. abah was aggressive the whole day smlm - even mak pun takut since abah marah and look so fierce. smlm, seblm aku balik - abah struggled to get down off the bed, nak mandi et al. jst bcoz aku nak tolong him doin so (abah tak stable in standing up anymore) - he scolded me, looked at me in one kind - he never did dat to me. and lift up his hand high, as if he wanted to hit me. and i was there, standing quitely - looking at him, and i wasnt back off - not even a step. aku cried lookin at him dat way.


imagine how it feels - leavin him behind, like dat. mak yg dah penat and risau. cik and Soleh yg clueless. abah's rapidly changing everyday. and he's getting worst.


i am scared. i am sad. dammit i feel screwed up.










Tuesday, May 8, 2012

last day in 9A.







a last day in 9A, Hosp. Selayang. abah will be transfer out to Hosp. Sg Buloh, dis morning for "further treatment and management".


no, u dun ask me wats its gonna be like. the option as such. since for me, for us - masing2 still in wonder wats its gonna be like. smlm - me and mak spent the whole day dealing wit some hideous nye birokrasi - Radiography told us MRI wld be held in the morn., and we waited the whole day for em to call up - 3.30pm baru tolak abah masuk for MRI. and he's been fasting eversince Maghrib on the day before. dgn s/effect Phenytoin - drowsy, nauseated et al - plus cnfusion state abah's in, and perut kosong.. imagine how its like, for dis old man.


now dat MRI dah buat, dah sent to neurosurgery at Sg Buloh - but no result told as yet. we were told to be prepare to transfer to Sg Buloh. itu je.


the unknwn. the uncertainty and such. aku tak tau if mak feels the same. for most of the time she'll like "along, mcmana?", "along, mak tak tau la.." - leaving me and my mind working in nano-speed for decision et al. u knw i hate decision. i hate to deal wit one.


but now - i gotta compose myslf, and decide. and the worst part is - its not for me. but the best, for abah.


aku scared. aku risau and runsing. only God knws how its like..

posted from Bloggeroid

Monday, May 7, 2012

abah, again.








abah threw fits again, tnite. a brief ones - last for about 15 to 20secs, over his right hand. he had his fingers clenched into the palm of his right hand, so hard dat it hurts me. aku rushed call for the doc, and the doc cnfirmed dat abah had a fit.


they shldve did the ct-scan again wit contrast media, ptg ni. tp aku fhm, its Sunday. and watdya expct? and they postpone it to trow early morn., leavin me and mak gotta survive the nite, feeling worry, and sleepless.


mak dah penat. aku suruh mak tdo. frankly speaking, aku dun thk aku can get thru the nite wit abah tlps pandang dr my own sight. aku tak sanggup. and sungguh aku tak sanggup.


mak dah lena. biar la. sian mak. mak penat. and ere i am, duduk ngadap abah - praying for some kinda miracle, hoping aku will get bck my own abah - jst like the one, before. demi Allah, aku wont lose hope. no i wont. jst dat aku - at time being - feel so vulnerable, and aku scared for the unknwn. the uncertainty, arnd me. arnd abah, to be precise.


abah dah lena. and havin his hand in mine - aku never feel so secure - like dis, before. never, ever. darn how i wish dis will last.


abah, along doakan abah cpt sht. abah kena cpt sht. kami adk bradk, mak - still perlukan abah. abah kena kuat. lbey kuat dr biasa..


abah tdo lah, ya. along teman abah tdo.


along syg abah. sgt2 syg.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, May 6, 2012

abah @Hosp Selayang..








9pm aku had a call from abg uda - suami kak yang, telling me we need to bring abh to Hosp Selayang, rite away. for abh is gettin worst, and kakak abg uda - a med specialist - said, according to ct-scan, the growh is arnd 4cm in size. the fit mght make a return, and it wld be late by then.


and definitely - we dun want dat.


by 11ish, dah smpai Iph. aku, abg and kak ngah, dan abh naik 2 kete. msg2 pnt, so we decided to take a breather, tdo jap, and by 3am - we will hit the road, all the way to Selayang. abh, mak naik kete dgn kak and abg ngah, whereas aku drive alone. and all along, alone - u knw how it is like - thgs marching up ur head, dis and dat. 5.45am - dah kat Casualty Hosp Selayang. and kak yang wit abg uda dah tggu.


bscly wit abh - nthg new. he wanted to go to the washroom - and he wanted to do thgs on his own, ended up aku see abh standing like a lost man, holding his pants - dun knw wat to do. aku rushed in, and help. and i cant help to had tears in my eyes seeing him like dat. aku've been helping so many ppl, in exactly the same scenario - w/o havin a klu - one day aku'll be doin the same thang, to my own dad. Allah je yg tau how it hurts to see abh, dat way.


later abh solat Subuh wit all surah and bacaan well. tp 4 rakaat. and mak nanges sein dat..


alhamdulillah, Allah permudahkan urusan admission abh. abh str8 away sent up to 9A, and we managed to get abh and mak first klas nye wad. asal mak abh selesa.. dah la.


med specialist dah buat round. tggu neurosurgeon je..

posted from Bloggeroid

abah. happy bday!









still kat kpg. had a hard time to face thgs as it is. tho a part of me - i feel kinda 'free' for at least - me and the whole fmly knew wat is wrong it abah. and we can jst go on str8 to look for the cure for abah's condition. intraventricular tumor/mass and choroid plexus papilloma as the differential diagnosis - i think its no fun. i had so many thgs runnin in my head now - y abah? y now? y not someone else? and such. someone told me to stop questioing such - for its a ketentuan Allah Taala. but then..


keadaan abah - sejak he had the fit, makin teruk. deteriorate, rapidly. w'pun solat abah still terjaga - he kws dat well, tp bab2 lain - mak and kami adik beradik kena ingatkan abah. he is like completely demented, cant remember a thang. and the speech - tho still coherent and rational - tp most of the time, tak relevant. aku sedih setiap kali tgk abah looking at thgs wit dis empty looks - aku tak tau nak ckp mcmana. sometimes, bila aku talk to him - he will take a long time to respond, and he will stare in ur face wit dat empty look, and ended up responding not the way u wanted it to be. it hurts, demi Allah.


Isnin aku akan amek cuti lagik. aku nak bwk abah for MOPD apptment di Hosp Taiping, and i kw aku mght ended up bwk abah ke Hop Taiping for a neuro-surgery. we all - adik beradik - will look out for any chance of treatment -be it where ever it is, how ever it is - to get abah back in shape. its scary how the condition nye complication mght strikes u - if tangguh lama2.


abah is not demented. he is not havin Alzheimer wat ever it is. he is suffering the complication of the condition he is having now.


kak yang and family dah balik. cik pun dah balik since he's working trow. tinggal aku and kak ngah's fmly. aku kesian tgk mak - i wish i cld do better. aku tak bley lupa the look at mak's face. and she's crying.

and aku never stop believing, and praying moga Allah tabahkan setiap ahli keluarga aku, dan sembuhkan abah - seperti sediakala..





---











its a big day - for a big boi. its Ghazari Amri Sanusi's birthday, alrite. and he is no longer 15, mind u. the truth is - he is 35th alrdy - dis year. and next year - he will be a year older, definitely. and so forth.


a nice, chatty, good at heart big boi he is. a bit annoying sometime. and sickening every now and then. haha.. but i gez dats the trait la kot. everybdy had the dis and dat - and dats normal.


Happy Bird Day, Ghaz. wishing u all the very best in the world, for u.














Friday, May 4, 2012

..

abah is a strong man. he's a fighter, for us. he never show us his emotion, he will stand tall - on his ground, no matter wat is. abah is a typical conventional husband and dad - where all decision are readily made by him, and he needs no reasoning. abah made a decision, and dats about it.


he's strict in growing up his kids. abah made us a jadual - every one of us had one - to follow. rite after get bck from, up to time where we can stick to the idiotbox. abah taught us solat and mengaji Al Quran himslf - and aku as the eldest, plg kerap kena rotan - for aku sgt mls.


abah never show us how much he loves us - for s'times, when we r jst kids - wonder abah syg kitorg or tak. for mak yg do all the loving.


but i knw he does. he loves us so much. cuma he didnt knw how to tell. and how to describe it into words. otherwise - he wont be spending time anta aku balik ke hostel, dr Selama to Ipoh, naik Honda Cup tiap kali aku cuti pjg. under the sun, pouring rain. and how brought me arnd berubat time aku tak sht dulu. and a lot more.


and aku rmbr once - hari Jumaat dat aku xcdnt dpn smpg masjid since basikal aku kena hit and run, abah lari keluar dari masjid towards aku yg tergolek tgh jalan - aku rmbr dat panicky face abah had. but then - seeing me ok, tadak pe2 - he suruh aku pi skol still; leaving me wit rasa marah and geram, as if he din care.


aku rmbr jgk how abah, mlm2 aku tepuk aku and angah to sleep - lg lama and lg kitorg tak tdo - lg kuat dia tepuk. aku rmbr how abah will draw us 'bintang' in our tapak tgn - each time dpt settle kan homework dgn baik, dat he said 'the more bintang the better'.


abah dah tdo. aku bru terasa penat - fizikal and mental. aku nak tdo, tp x bley lena. so aku jst duduk tp abah - and watch him sleep. aku berdoa kpd Allah Taala, abah will be ok.

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, May 3, 2012

..







reached at mak's around 8.30am. aku terus masuk rumah and cari abah. by lookin at mak's and angah's face - aku tau they kinda risau aku freaked out - for not telling me the truth. aku ngaku - aku marah dgn mak. but aku believed she had reason for it - w'pun watever it is - dat is abah aku, and aku had right to knw. aku masuk rumah, salam tgn mak and off to bilik abah.


abah still sleeping. aku salam abah, and he woke up. from wat angah and mak told me - aku believed abah had a fit - he bleed his own tongue, jerking carpo-pedal. and aku cld smell urine in bed - and dat explained  abah refused to get out of the bed, tho mak and angah pujuk so. aku talked to him nicely, and cleaned abah for breakfast.


during breakfast - he complained of headache and nape of neck pain. aku took Minyak Chap Kapak and slowly urut belakang leher abah. aku swear to God - dat was the first time, in life - aku did so. aku felt so sad - for there r so many thgs aku yet do to him. abah asked me brp ketul kuih dia makan, and repeatedly asked me 'along keje Ipoh or Taiping?', for he do think aku still attached to Hospital Taiping. mak jst stand and look at me and abah from afar, and i was trying so hard not to breakdown.


it is so hard to compose myself at time being. lookin at abah wit his condition now - it breaks m heart more than anythg else in the world. and aku tau - for abah being so helpless - dat hurts him, as well.


mak still bersiap. aku did few calls. i am goin to bring him to Casualty Hosp Selama, and get him referred to Hosp Taiping, if dats the best for him.


Ya Allah - jauhilah hamba Mu dr segala yg tak di ingini. semoga semuanya akan berjalan lancar. and kembali ke sedia asal. 


ameen.





and the day goes by..







3.45am aku dah fully awake. aku decided to jump outta the bed and off to the study room. aku managed to finish up thgs aku need to get em  done by dis mornin, alhamdulillah. 5am - aku was doin dis golek2 in the sofa - aku had dis kinda urge to sleep for a lil while, i but jst cant. aku hit the shower, get it done well, tahjud and hajat, Subuh and went downstairs.


called mak by 6am. kak ngah picked up the phone - it happened she and the whole family balik kampung semlm, and put up a nite there.. and pg ni the whole of em all balik ke Bagan Serai since anak2 kak ngah - kakak, angah and acik skol. managed to talk dgn mak jap. abah tak pi surau pagi ni. in fact - he is still in bed, resting. kinda not-him kinda thang, for he will always solat Subuh berjemaah kat surau - all dis while. mak ckp abah ok, cuma perhaps - a bit penat and dizzy. aku put down the phone wit thgs runnin in my head. or perhaps aku kena call kak ngah.


dah siap. shall go and hav my Nescafe, heat up the car and off to the ofc. i knw its way too early, but its ok.


i hope thgs will get better. i hope all the prayer, is heard. 


u hav a pleasant Thursday morning, peeps.





Wednesday, May 2, 2012

abah.









woke up at 5.30am. i hardly sleep pun. crashed early last nite - i remember tossing up and down, forcing myself to sleep - only to wide awake, staring at the green numerical cube box by the bed - showing the hrs, minutes and such. and i remember havin thgs marching up my mind - apart of it, aku was kinda anxious to go to work in the morn., for its been 2 weeks aku away from it - darn aku never been away like dis long, God sake. and aku can imagine how the work station is gonna be.


and by 5mins to 7am - aku dah terima msg from Mr B - to 'jumpa saya awal pagi'. well..


so many thgs to do, so lil time. aku tried to sort out thgs, prioritize em well - still, aku ended up havin the arse of mine still on the kerusi ofc., even past 5pm. there goes my plan to hit the gym and such. aku tak sempat had a proper lunch. all aku managed to hav was a malt drink yg Fina tlg bancuh untuk aku. and by 5.45pm - aku had enuff. aku lapar giler dat aku kemas meja ala2 je, and hit the basement. tot the jalan wld be clear by then - and dammit - i was wrong. time aku lapar gedik2 ni la keter berderet2, jammed sana sini and semua simpang ada je keter kuar. God knws how it is - aku rasa nak kunyah je lidah aku, so aku cld buy some time, lapik perut.


and God knws - aku din do dat.


now dat i am done wit din din, solat et al - aku paksa diri to sit and get it done coupla thgs yg aku shldve get em all lay out properly, by trow morn. wat a life - i knw.


---


called mak rite away lps cik called aku. and after kak ngah called me as well. regarding abah. aku tau mak tak nak aku kelam kabut, risau and such. tp aku a bit terasa ibla mak did not tell me the truth about abah. each time aku tnya pasal abah - mak will go on like 'abah ok sket dah', 'he's ok' and such.


tp cik and ngah called aku pagi tadik - it was totally different. aku terduduk jap. baru je jumpak abah.. he looks ok for a man at his age. aku rasa sdey for so many thgs - for aku cant be there rite away - there for em both - at time like dis. aku sdey since mak tak bgtau hal yg btol kat aku. aku sdey fikirkan so many thgs - aku rasa time is running out for so many thgs between aku and abah. aku called mak - aku tak marah, cuma terkilan. i knw why she did dat to me - i knw she'll do dat like most of the time, to me. she dun want me to be worry on thgs.


aku told mak dat i am leavin to kampung rite away after work - but she said, no. she said abah is like dat, and he's ok. mak berkeras tak kasik aku balik - since nanti aku berebut2, nak mlm and trow aku keje still. aku nak je amek EL esok - tp aku ada 4 hrs of revision wit stdnts. i knw dat means nothg - when it comes to mak abah - but mak desak aku to stay. aku finally decided to amek cuti on Friday - aku told mak dat i'll hit the road early in the morn., and aku will str8 away bawak abah jumpak doc. i gez i had enuff wit all dis 'ada menumpang', 'ada makhluk ganggu' watever not. all dis while i've been wanting to bring abah to see the doc., but mak refused. she wanted to try jumpak ustaz and such first. not dat aku tak percaya - but i think, i had enuff. dis time around - mak and all adik2 aku hav to go along wit my way.


aku sdey teringat abah - he started to forget thgs - simple thgs. tp abah still solat, ngaji and pergi mengaji kitab as usual. he took care of himself, hygiene et al ok - cuma certain thgs - such as guna handphone, on the laptop.. he will take a long time to recall. and he even asked Soleh to jot down in point forms - how to off and on the phone. aku feel like cryin listening to kak ngah dis mornin.


even at dis time - aku keep on thinkin about abah. dah few times aku called mak and talked to abah. abah had dis lil laughin at me - asking 'along tak pyh la telepon byk2 kali, byk keje nak buat kan.. abah ok je insyaAllah..'. dat kept me still for awhile - and aku feel like weeping away.


he is a brave man. he always is. aku look up to abah - he's tough as he can be. he's positive, tho he knws sometimes thgs r not as good as it is. and i knw i gotta strong and brave as he is - for mak want me to. and adik2 aku as well. aku wanted to cry as aku listened to mak weeping away - but jst i cant. i gotta be strong. tho aku tau - aku not dat strong pun.


aku nak esok mcmana. if thgs r ok, and tak de pe2 - aku wld jst pecut je balik jap.


for i dun think i cld wait for Friday, God sake.