Sunday, April 29, 2012

help!!





reached in ere arnd 10am. bwk slow je, i mean - slow in my own way lah. nbdy knws pun - masuk je kete, sumer org bungkang. aku jgk la bersengkang mata drive thru the fog and such. so aku drive dgn linangan air mata gtew. bley? sdey tak? haha


sampai je - aku on balik enjin kete and hit Wakaf Bharu. my intention - cari kedai ané si barber.. since muka aku dah berserabai sgt - wit janggut misai goatee sideburn tak senonoh sgt nampak. darn i look like tabib2 Cina dahulu kala - serabut giler.


in Fantasia Barrino nyer version. ofkoz. since aku hitam.


baru 5jam in ere.. aku dah mati akal..its so damn hot in ere. maybe dah lama tak ujan la kot. Astro Beyond and mobile internet literally save my life, God sake.


and nasik krabs, hell yeah.

posted from Bloggeroid

Friday, April 27, 2012

INTAN - last day!








my last dat kat INTAN. the fact is - i am done wit it. i had a great time. despite all the classes, all the brain-storming, all the ice-breaking, the dis and dat, the presentations like everyday, group discussion and such - i had a great time. i got the chance of knwing sme new faces - big-shoots and non-big-shoots. i got the chance knwg some ppl i knw, better. i got the chance spending times wit ppl dat i love, as well. dat was way more than i cld wish for.


and i had the chance learning thgs better - research methodology, well. dats beyond description. 


leavin for Ipoh trow morn. somehow, i cant wait. dis is like the longest time aku tinggal my house, my everythg back there. and aku feel like eager to hit home.


i will be back, for sure. 







Wednesday, April 18, 2012

live, to tell.








3rd day in INTAN ere in Bukit Kiara. the classes dah start to be kinda routine for me - u dressed up, go for a breakie, then siap2 pi kelas, u sit down politely, bla bla bla telinga kiri telinga kanan, more assignments, u sat down in group, brain-storming, put em into words, go standin infront of others, puke-ing ur tots and such - to share ur bits wit others. aku dah wnet thru dis a lot - so many times indeed. i love to go thru em all, again and again - as for me, learning somethg new is a privilege. 


but then - dis is like the 3rd day i am in ere.. i am still looking for somethg way better than jst dis, so i'd feel more excited to face like another a week plus, to come.


---

done wit laundry - waiting for the dryer get done wit it, and it seems like dats it la for the day kot.. nyesal plak aku tak beli jajan tadik - mulut rasa mcm nak ngunyah, but i dun hav anythg to kunyah pun. except kain selimut and cadar. haish.


darn aku rasa kinda homesick la, at time like dis..


:-/


---


gnyte.









Sunday, April 15, 2012

Sun-Day.



salam!!



for some reason - aku hardly sleep last nite. stayin online din make a change pun, for theres nthg in there. nthg new. so aku decided to stay downstairs, and do some readin, while every now and then - my eyes wld go stick to the idiotbox nyer screen. 4am - aku tersedar and aku still kat sofa.


aku ended up kat ofc jugak finally - w'pun aku dah make a pack i wont go there again - not until i am not wit the 2 weeks thang i am gonna go thru, soon. proposal research aku siap jgk finally - w'pun buat last minit (dun say a word - dats me. i mght be grumble a lot - but doin thgs at the last minit.. wow! the surge of the adrenaline is way different!). tp bila time nak print - tgk2 printer aku dah abes dakwat! tinggal yg color je.. argkh!! so aku start kete, aku off to the office.


only to realize dat kunci ofc plus kunci main door to the building - kat kunci kete yg lagik satu. i was like.. fcuk!!


aku nearly dah nak kuar gate ofc., bila suddenly aku decided to call Amer - he's not in. dis kat dlm cinema. and aku called Zainullah - fuhh! dia ada je dok tgk Mania! kat quarters dia.. he was so nice anta kurun turun - aku finally get my work done! and thanks to the abg jaga jugak - rajin teman aku sampai ke bilik printing! hahaha


---


done wit packing my thgs. baju keje 8 helai, batik 2 helai, suar keje 6 psg, socks, tie, belts, tie pin, kasuts keje. and plus those non-kerja stuff. haiyoo.. mcm nak lari rumah.


2 weeks away from home. darn suddenly aku dun feel like goin. i am gonna miss thgs i am leaving back in ere..








Friday, April 13, 2012

yay!







finally! i am done wit all thgs yg aku dah bertangguh-tangguh nak siapkan - bwk balik rumah and bawak balik ofc semula, tertangguh dek so many thgs to be done at the same time - but then; i am done wit most of the thgs. kelayakan bebudak neh untuk sumatif nanti, marking and marks aku dah submit ke Bhgian Peperiksaan, and a lot more. and i am done kemas2 meja aku neh, tulis besar2 kat tmpat aku 'Not In - Away till 27/4', gladly. hehehe


i mght be goin to gym for a while jap lagik. imagine 2 mggu starting next Monday - aku mght not be goin to one. unless INTAN Bkt Kiara tu ada gym. ada la kot.. but then again, nak bwk kasut sukan baju sukan bagai.. bluewwergkh. malas.


perot aku sebu dek Chinese tea. btol2 aku mkn 4 ketol kueh gelang around 9.30am dis mornin, and jst now aku singgah 7E beli Maggi in a cup - since taku tatau nak mkn pe. sedap jgk - mkn Maggi kat ofc. haha


mlm nanti pi cari tiket ETS ke KLS dis Sunday. i dun think i am driving lah. mmg tak lah. cuma dr KLS ke Bukit Kiara lah.. kena cari cab lar kot.











keria-tastic! gelangasm! keria-bulous!















aku sgt suka kueh keria. or kueh gelang - as aku called em kecik2 dulu. dulu kalo balik kampung - kalo time mak long aku buat nasik grg - aku will tarik mulut munchong sedepa since aku tak suka lah nasik grg time2 breakfast (dat was then!). tp kalo mak long aku buat kueh - aku akan happy like nbdy biz. esp kalo mak long buat kueh gelang!


mak pun tau dat aku giler wit dis kueh. aku will leave all other options - even if Angie Jolie dpn aku pun - aku will go for kueh gelang. its like keriagasm each time aku had em spreading on my taste buds. damn.


till now pun - aku still keria-isme. pg2 aku will singgah kedai tepi jln area taman aku tu - to get my gelang for the breakie. empat singget. kadang2 aku redah je beli smpai dua hengget. kalo beli lbey - aku bagi la member2 se-level aku so aku will ber-keria-ing wit em all together-gether. Amer suka gelang aku beli kat area taman aku neh, since 'gula dia best.. tak cair!' and aku shared the same opinion wit him ofkoz. even if its cair pun - aku tetap gelang-ing jugak. Fina dah naik muak dok bergelang je tiap ari. tiap kali aku sua kueh gelang kat dia - she'll like 'heh, ko neh.. gelang lagi. ko tgk muka aku neh.. dah mcm kueh gelang!'. ye lah - she's preggie, sah2 la muka berlapis. mcm kueh lapis. eh, kueh lapis pun sedap, kan? yg kaler2 tu. 


tp aku suka lagik kueh gelang. aku mkn tiap2 ari pun - tak de plak muka aku bergelang2 pun. or ber-keria. ber-keria? euw, dats sounds.. erm, nvm.


ok lah. aku nak pi ber-kueh gelang jap. wit Chinese tea aku bwk neh - satu Tupperware besar. mak ckp ble bkr lemak kalo minum tea Cina. tiap2 ari aku bwk and minum - yet aku tak pasti lemak2 neh terbakar or not. heh.


hav a pleasant Fly-Day ppl! darn its TGIF eh?



---



yay! last day in the office. will be away for the whole 2 weeks soon - 16 - 27/4, in INTAN Bukit Kiara. 


Bukit Kiara ya. bukan Bukit Keria. 


*demm*








its time..
















somehow, i knw how it is. somehow - i can relate to dis, hell yeah. its like - sometimes, u get to be at a point in ur life where u knw u need to go on wit life, u need to go away - but dammit - u jst dun knw exactly where to go.


and it sucks. big time.


*sigh*







Thursday, April 12, 2012

reason, season and a lifetime.
















ppl always come into ur life for a reason, a season and a lifetime. when u figure out which it is - u knw exactly wat to do. i knw how it is. i went thru it all. i am not sayin i am a freakin wiser when it comes to all dis - but i knw.


when someone is in ur life for a REASON - it is usually to meet a need u hav expressed outwardly or inwardly. they hav come to assist u thru a difficulty - or to provide u wit guidance and support. to aid u physically. emotionally, or even spiritually. they may seem like a godsend to u - and perhaps, they r. they r there for a reasonn, u need em to be. then w/o any wrong doin, on ur part or at an inconvenient time - dis one person will say or do somethg to bring the relationship to the end. or perhaps - its u. sometimes they die, sometimes they jst walk away. sometimes they act up or out and force u to take a stand, and u knw u hate of doin so. or perhaps - u jst dun hav any choice, to choose. wat we must realize is dat - out need has been met - our desire fulfilled; their work is done. 


the prayer u sent up has been answered, and it is now time to move on.


when ppl come into ur life for a SEASON - it is becoz ur turn has come to share, grow, or learn. they may bring u an experience of peace. or make u laugh. they may teach u somethg u never hav been done. they usually giv u and unbelievable amount of joy, believe me - it is real. but - mark my word. but - only for a season. and like spring turns to summer to fall - the season eventually ends.


it left u wonder - wat goes wrong. u wanna hav it back, but then u knw it is close to impossible. and all  u can do - is close ur eyes, think of those good times - and move on.


and LIFETIME? a relationships teach u a lifetime of lessons - those thgs u must build upon in order to hav a solid emotional foundation. ur job is to accept the lesson - love the person/ppl (anyway); and put wat u hav learned - to use in all other relationships, and areas in life.


and u grow wit it. u take it as it is. a package u wont regret of havin. and u appreciate it.


u've been thru em all. i knw.
















Wednesday, April 11, 2012

earthquake?







mak abah, and us - the whole of us were havin a cucur udang infront of the idiotbox - chatting laughing et al, when amak suddenly went pale and ckp, 'mak rasa lain mcm la.. gegar', and she was havin dis air muka yg completely berubah - she was laughing out loud je before. and only then - we knew dat mak was not alone feelin the such - the whole shait around us were shaking, including kete Kancil abah kat parking dpn pintu. mak mengucap panjang, and aku terdiam teringat incident 2004 - tsunami in Acheh - aku felt exactly the same dat morning, aku tgh baca paper pagi tu.


aku bgtau cik yg dis cld be Acheh or perhaps kwsan yg sama, thus we felt the tremors even we were up ere..


and gez wat? amaran tsunami di Lautan Hindi issued - in 30 countries, incldng Malaysia.


Ya Allah. wat now?















abah. nasik lemak Ain.


















6.30am aku dah bgun. Subuh and aku lpk2 kat dpn. abh and mak sampai rmh after dat, dari surau. aku salam abh, cium tgn dia and peluk abh. he made a joke about it, yet aku din giv a damn. smlm aku tak smpat nak hav a word dgn abh, since smpai rmh abh dah tdo. and pg ni abh nampak much better - alhamdulillah. mak pun dah senyum2 as usual. lapang ati aku, Allah je yg tau.


abh dah gettin old. clearly seen his body and muscles r wasting away. kami adk beradik dulu takut dgn abh. sgt takut. abh garang. no such B when he said an A. and no such discussion. he's in charge. and in command. even mak tak bley ckp or buat apa2. abh sgt strict, full of rules and regulations. and dats how aku and adk2 grew up. displin. and such. so aku and adk2 rapat dgn mak..


now seeing abh like dat - helpless, stime - aku rasa sgt2 sdey. its like seeing anther part of him. anther weak, unseen part of him. he was a strong man, defeat-less. but now, listening to him telling me, cnfessing how forgetful he is, sakit sana and sini - aku rasa sedih. dats y bila mak called smlm, ckp abg x brp sht - aku trus balik.


aku syg abh, no doubt abt dat. tho frankly speakin, aku tak brp rapat dgn abh. tak rapat in the sense of mcm ada gap. ntah - aku tak tau nak ckp mcmana. cuma lately, since aku dah keje and left the house - mak bgtau yg abh selalu tny kat mak pasal aku. and aku tau dia cncern. since aku anak abh. and mak mtk aku at least call abh, now and then. and aku did. w'pun sgt awkward at the beginning.


now abh dah tak mcm dulu. aku mula rapat dgn abh, and we can talk about most of thg, under the sun. kdg2 abh citer kat aku citer time dia muda2 and such - he went to the as well! thkg abt dis all, aku rasa sayu. aku wish abh wld be like dis, way before. perhaps, maybe aku yg perlu start the whole thang. aku rasa mcm running out of time. and aku rasa as if aku suffocate - yg byk aku nak share, talk and tell abh - tp aku mcm 'tak cukup masa' and such.


aku syg abh. demi Allah. w'pun pernah bdn aku lebam2 kena rotan balik dr ngaji muqaddam, and abh never take time to explain why and such. smpai skang aku still wonder why. its ok. dia abh aku. no matter how and wat it is - aku believe dat it is sthg or s'how a way to didik anak2 dia. and bcoz of abh, and mak - aku and adk2 lead a beautiful life. aku and adk2 sukses in life.


aku nak bwk abh pi doc jap lg.


---


btw, aku dah kenyang dgn nasik lmk Ain. 2 bungkus, shait. matilar.

posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, April 8, 2012

30thgs.








i remember did dis #30thingsaboutme kat Twitter. and i remember doin dat all the way from KB back in ere - i knw i was driving alrite, but then - i got nthg much to do. and i Tweet. i enjoyed doin dat, God sake - listing thgs about myself and put em in numbers - for if u ask me to tell myself in words, face to face - u shld knw i dun knw how to do dat. so i put em all in words. and its fun! 


i remember receiving all sorts of comments - on the FB and the Twitter itself. and its funny, really. i dun care wat ppl think about dis - at least it reminds me who i really am, and i knw myself pretty well enuff. i think.


so today - i was strollin my old tweets - i stumbled into all these - and i decided to keep all those #30thingsaboutme in dis blog of mine - so i'd remember it well, and so i dat i dun hav to stroll like hell to find the entries!


ere we go;





  1. #30 - the best moment in my life was on 31 January 2010. 2 yrs back, and its still the very best for me. darn i am blessed!
  2. #29. i love it when u text me first. or call me first. dat u dun hav to wait for me.
  3. #28. mengada2, ADD, perangai bdk2 and such - sorry, u aint my cuppa. trust me - i easily get bored wit all dis kinda ppl.
  4. #27. i can read thgs between the line. and i knw when thgs r different and when thgs go wrong. u dun lie to me. coz i knw how it is.
  5. #26. i cld be mean. and nasty. i mean - a real nasty dat u'll hate me for sure. and u dun wanna see me, be one.
  6. #25. teh-o-ais-limau. te-o-ais. limau ais. lemonade. Ribena. i think they r the best invention, ever. and i love em all, alrite.
  7. #24. i am a humanistic. and i wld love to be surrounded by some technical ppl. it leafts me no worries. hehe
  8. #23. i sleep at nite wit a lot of pillows around me. wit a lcosed door. i'd feel secure thru out the nite.
  9. #22. thong? i am lovin it! hehe
  10. #21. i hav my own inferiority complex - i am short. i am dark. and i am fat. and i need nbdy to remind me dat. thank u.
  11. #20. i love to make ppl feel appreciated. and comfortable in their own skin. and i'll be honored if others will do the same. to me.
  12. #19. i love babies. and kids. they r  a wonderful, beautiful creatures.
  13. #18. if u think ur somebdy, or someone - talk to me wit facts. and u'll hav my respect. otherwise - elok duduk diam2. hehe
  14. #17. me simple person. lepak at mamak, round neck shirt, shorts, selipar Jepun will do exactly fine, for me.
  15. #16. i love funny ppl. spontaneously funny, dat is. coz i am not one.
  16. #15. i love jam tangan. and all kinda kasut. hehe
  17. #14. i am a shy guy, at times. and ppl always mislead it as 'kekwat'. haish.
  18. #13. i dun shave my facial hair on my own. i mght ended up shaving my skin off. it has to be at kedai barber. darn i jst dun knw how.
  19. #12. i dun believe in crdt cards. debit card will do ok. haha
  20. #11. i hate decision. and u dun expect me to make one. eg; where we goin? wat to do? where (or) wat to eat? argkh!
  21. #10. i talk to my mum at least once a week. and i still do!
  22. #9. i dun prefer a well-planned thinggie. ad-hoc impromptu works well for me.
  23. #8. ppl wit brain, turns me on. damn.
  24. #7. i dun really prefer reading, but i love to write!
  25. #6. i love surprises. i mean - a good, sweet one hell eayh!
  26. #5. i hate doin dishes.
  27. #4. i forgive and forget, easily. and ppl take me for granted, for dat like most of the time.. :-(
  28. #3. i take bath before i go out of the house, and before jump into the boxer. every time. hohoho
  29. #2. i am a 'mild' OCD.
  30. #1. i dun take cili-sos. it tastes weird. i prefer ketchup, hell yeah.


---


gnyte!













Saturday, April 7, 2012

nyte!













:-)












pls hear, wat i am not sayin..






dear whom dis may concern;


dun be fooled by me. dun be fooled by the face i wear. for i wear a mask, i wear a thousand masks, masks dat i'm afraid to take off and none of em all is mine. pretending is an art dats second nature wit me. i giv u the impression dat i am secure, dat all is sunny and unruffled wit me - wit in as well as w/o, dat confidence is my name and coolness is my game, dat the waters calm and i'm in command and dat i need no one. 


but dun believe me. my surface may be smooth, my surface is my mask - ever-varying and ever-concealing. beneath lies no complacence. beneath lies confusion, and fear. and aloneness. but i hide all dis. i dun want anyone to knw it well. i panic at the tot of my weakness exposed. dats y i frantically create a mask to hide behind - a nonchalant, sophisticated façade to help me pretend, to shield me from the glance dat knws.


i knw dat such a glance is my salvation. i knw dat if it is followed by acceptance - if its followed by love - its the only thg dat will assure me of wat i cant assure myself - dat i am worth somethg, dat i am lovable. but such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope - and i knw it. dat is, if it is followed by acceptance, if it is followed by love. its the only thg dat can liberate me from myself from my own self-built prison walls from the barriers dat i so painstakingly erect. its the only thg dat will assure me of wat i cant assure myslf - dat i am really worth somethg. but i dun tell u din. i dun dare to. i am afraid to, God sake. i am afraid u'll think less of me, dat u'll laugh, and ur laugh wld kill me. i am afraid dat deep-down i am nthg and dat u'll see dis and reject me - jst like dat.


so i play my game - pretending game, wit a façade of assurance w/o, and a trembling child wit in. so begins the glittering but empty parade of masks, and my life becomes a front. i tell u everythg dats really nthg, and nthg of wats everythg, of wats cryin wit in me. so when i am goin thru my routine - do not be fooled by wat i am sayin. pls listen carefully and try to hear wat i am not sayin, wat i'd like to be able to say, wat for survival i need to say - but wat i cant say.


i dun like hiding. i dun like playin superficial phony games. i want to stop playin em. i wanna be genuine and spontaneous and me but u've gotta help me. u've gotta hold out ur hand even when dats the last thg i seem to want. only u can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of breathin dead. only u can call me into aliveness. each time ur kind, and gentle, and encouraging - each time u try to understand bcoz ur really care - my heart begins to grow wings, very small wings. but wings!


wit ur power to touch me into feelin - u can breathe life into me. i want u to knw dat. i want u to knw how important ur to me - how u can be a creator-an honest-to-God creator - of the person dat is me if u choose to. u alone can release me from the shadow-world of panic, from my lonely prison, if u choose to. and pls, choose to.


dun not pass by me. dun leave me. it'll not be easy for me. a long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls. the nearer u approach me the blinder i may strike back. its irrational, but despite wat the books may say about man - often i am irrational. i fight back the very thg i cry out for, but i am told dat love is stronger - than strong walls and in dis lies, i hope. pls try to beat those walls wit fimr hands. but wit gentle hands - for a child is very sensitive.


who am i, u may wonder? i am someone u knw very well. for i am every man u meet. and i am every woman u meet..


*damn. i am a man, anyway! heh.


---


gnyte!









Friday, April 6, 2012

thgs dat make me feel good..









think about em - one at a time, before goin on to the next one. r we in the same boat?



  1. falling in love. and be in love.
  2. laughing so hard - dat ur face hurts. or till u cant laugh any more.
  3. a hot shower. after a long day..
  4. no lines at the supermarket.
  5. a special glance. u knw - pass by someone, and 'dat' glance leave u smiling.
  6. getting a mail. a snail mail dat is.
  7. taking a drive on a pretty road.
  8. lyin in bed, listenin to the rain outside.
  9. hearing ur fav song on the radio - when ur havin it in ur head.
  10. hot towels fresh out of the dryer.
  11. finding a jeans u want - and its on sale for half price!
  12. vanilla milkshake. tea-o panas. lemonade.
  13. a long, surprising distance phone call.
  14. a bubble bath
  15. giggling wit ones u love
  16. a good conversation. a brilliant one.
  17. the beach. all the time!
  18. finding RM50 note in ur sweater.
  19. laughing at myself
  20. midnite phone calls dat last for hrs. haha
  21. standing in the rain. wit no guruh kilat bagai, ofkoz.
  22. laughing at an inside joke.
  23. frens.
  24. accidently overhearing someone say somethg nice about u.
  25. waking up. and realizing u still hav hrs left to sleep. and u still can go crashing, ofkoz.
  26. ur first kiss.
  27. playing a new cd.
  28. making new frens or spending time wit the old ones.
  29. having someone play wit ur hair (in my case - i knw i have none), and rubbing ur neck.
  30. waking up to some sweet dreams.
  31. hot Nescafe.
  32. road trips wit frens.
  33. swinging on swings.
  34. wrapping presents for ur love ones, and u knw dat will make him/her happy.
  35. song lyrics printed inside ur new cd so u can sing along w/o feeling stupid.
  36. goin to a really good concert (eg; Usher in KL.. damn!)
  37. a smile from a cute stranger.
  38. winning a really competitive games.
  39. munching a choc chip cookies
  40. good conversation, over some good meals.
  41. spending times wit close frens.
  42. seein smiles and hearing laughter from ur frens.
  43. huggin someone u care about.
  44. running into an old fren and realizing dat some thgs (be it good or bad) never change.
  45. a trip to some highlands.
  46. watching dat expression on someone's face as they open a much desired present from u.
  47. watching a sunrise. and a sunset.
  48. gettin out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.
  49. some appreciation, esp from ur love ones.
  50. having someone asking  u dis and dat - over ur long day, and being able to really talk to dat someone.













half-time. and it Fry Day!










feel much better after lunch. i get the chance of havin a short nap - and dats a big relief, God sake. after JUmaat - basically aku hav nthg much; cuma ada 2 meetings wit the stdnts - on clinical discussion wit budak2 yg posting psych wards and discussion wit stdnts research bawah aku. as usual - i wont go like hell thru dis both. i'll make it simple and sweet - as long as keje aku settle, and keje budak2 settle - i will be fine. and dats exactly the way aku been doin thgs, all dis while. for i dun believe in membebel wit dis youngsters at the first place.


kelayakan exam sumatif and markah for paper aku - aku buat next week je lah. aku dah tak bley blah tgk skrip jwpan anymore. each time aku determine to sit and do the marking - aku will jst ended up doin beberapa je, instead tumbling upside down tryin damn bloody hard to finish em all. so be it lah. after all - aku yg bg markah. and aku yg marking. why kecoh?


someone texted me asking for address - nak hantar a bit of 'hadiah' from Morocco. for belated birthday. aku was like - wow. and i wonder wat it is.







Fry Day!








woke up at 4.30am, wit no alarm screaming out loud - aku sat at the edge of the bed - thinkin; sama ada need to go on wit the day or not. i was thinkin dat i am havin 2 choices - to get back in bed, or shall i jump out of the bed. and starting the day wit dat kinda thg in mind - u knw how it is.


grabbed my towel, stand under the hot shower - aku cant help myself to keep on havin my brain processing thgs. aku rasa pelik - kepala otak aku ni tak penat2 ke? damn how i wish aku cld hav a 'mute' or 'stop' button so dat aku cld put it into a rest - for a while. someone told me i shld go break the cycle - go for a break and come back. perhaps its true la kot. lately - i feel kinda hate thgs around me - life's so monotonous. woke up, dressed up, drive to work, struggling at work, work out, hit home and dats it for the day. i feel so empty. so used to everythg dat i need not to use my brain - day in and day out.


at work. done wit makan dgn Ajak, Amer and Abg Mad. dorg been askin me out like so many times - and today - aku jst ikut je for aku rasa staying back kat meja aku - feels like sticking in the mud, God sake. 


and i am still yawning like nbdy biznes.


---


community programme trow. kat SMK Tambun. First Aid ceramah and aktiviti dgn budak2 skol menengah rendah - form 1, 2 and 3. aku bwk another 3 lects, plus 50 stdnts aku. hope thgs will go well. 


---


i wish i cld talk to someone, and someone will tell me dat thgs will be ok. dat byk keje mcmana pun, i'll be able to enjoy every bits and such.


sucha Fry Day, aye?








Wednesday, April 4, 2012

nyte!











theres coupla thgs to jot in ere, i wanna write - but i gez i am too tired. physically. and mentally. i gez i'd be doin dat trow la kot.. shld be crashin now.


gnyte.






Wet-nesday!










crashed around 11.30pm semlm. and by 4am - aku dha terkebil2 atas katil - staring into the dark. the body is aching - i knew it was the post-gym effect - and i had it like every now and then. but to stay there and terkebil2 dlm gelap - aku felt so hopeless. tossing up and down - 4.30am - aku giv up. aku bgun and cont do the marking - wit half heavyhearted. aku turun bwh - and duduk je lepak tgk tv. or tv tgk aku - i dun knw. by 5.30am - aku dah siap iron baju keje, dah mandi, solat hajat/tahajud and waiting for Subuh. the only thg aku love about the whole thang is - the calmness, nthgness around me at dat time being.. aku feel so close to myslf.


tgh dok havin my daily dose of Nescafe - phone rumah aku berdering. jarang2 sgt phone rumah aku menjerit2 mcm tu - selalunya mak aku je yg suka guna number rumah.. and it was my fav minimonster - si Haziq, anak kak ngah. aku heard him from a distance - he was like 'pak long, perot tak selesa.. muntah' and 'Haziq tak mo pi skol' kinda thgs like dat. and he's 5yo. aku mintak him to put his umi on the phone - and yeap, he was havin a plain muntah2 since last nite. but no demam, no diarrhea no nthg. aku told kak ngah to let him stay back je lah - no skol for today.. and when i was back on the line wit him, i told him dat 'Haziq ari ni tak yah la pi skol, pak long dah ckp kat umi.. Haziq duduk rumah je la ye' and he went like 'timekasih pak long' and giggling slowly. kinda sweet. cute. and notti. a plain him - as he is.


dah smpai ofis. aku plak nak muntah tgk meja aku bersepah - skrip jawapan, clerking cases to go thru, case study stndts2 yg nak kena check.. argkh. i wish i cld hav more hands. owh - btw, on the way to the office tadik - aku called Ikhwan. aku jst bet je - i din expect him to answer me pun. for if he din, i understand. but alhamdulillah - he did pick up the phone. and thank God, i feel so delighted. and dis cld make my whole day - wonderful. he is such a good fren - but due to my own silly mistakes - i hurt his feelin and such. but i learn a lot - and i dun mind askin for forgiveness since it is my weakness. my own mistakes. and alhamdulillah - we r back to those days, insyaAllah. as a good fren.


gotta go. will be back. hav a pleasant Wet-nesday!






Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Thirst-day!














damn u bloody tyre.
damn u! 

gtew..





since aku skipped a break at 10am, aku decided to hav an early lunchie. after all - staying back in the Bilik Perbincangan wit the makcik2 yg mengomel lbey dr do the marking - wldnt make a change pun. suara msg2 lbey hyper dr mp4 yg aku sumbat into my both ears. aku rasa nak jerkah je sekor2. or strangled em, one by one so dat they keep the fcukin mouth - shut. and the worst part bila all dis makcik2 get together, and when theres a man (as a minority - esp a YOUNG man like me) - they tend to get 'nasty'. mula2 ckp pasal anak, anak tu anak ni, then pasal hubby masing2, and then.. argkh. tak sanggup aku!


by 11.30am - aku blah leave the building - for an early lunch. Amer MC - demam katanya. Ajak - ntah, dah nearly 3weeks aku tak nampak dia. Apiz in Kelantan for ACLS, Fina clinical teaching, Yus cuti.. tinggal aku terkedek2 sorg2. seniors ofkoz - ramai la.. tp, heh.


smpai kedai mkn dkt Pej Pos tu, aku rasa lain mcm - stering aku mcm a bit 'berat'. and aku started to hav dis bad feeling - for i went thru dis, before. and as expected - bila aku kuar je kete - tgk taya dpn sebelah kiri; dammit - its totally flat! and there i go - aku had like an urge of watever it is up to my head, and aku started to panicky a bit.


for aku tau - when it comes to all dis - aku hopeless. and helpeless!


thank God, dkt kedai mkn tu ada kedai kereta. not sure bley tukar tyr or not - for it was a kedai aksesori. and ofkoz - damn me for goin there and asked 'tyr kereta sy flat la.. bley tgk jap?' and the tokey kedai was like smiling, and 'kita tadak buat tayar!'. and i was like 'fuck!'. tp the tokey was kinda enuff - dia isi angin tayar aku - and perambat aku pi kedai tayar dkt2 area rumah aku.. which was like 6km away dr kedai tadik. and gez wat? ada paku terlekat elok kat tayar tu.. heh!


God knws how aku nak je sujud syukur and tadah tgn ke langit for aku tak pyh terkial2 tryin my best nak bukak tayar, fix the spare part nyer, and heret kete aku ke kedai. and alhamdulillah jugak - aku bwk kereta buruk aku je pi ofis ari neh.. not the other sedan. or the Turtle.


off to they gym as usual. its the leg day. buat sorang2, since Achap tak turun. by the time aku smpai rumah around 7.30pm - it started to rain. and by the time aku siap mandi, lite dinner, solat - aku cant help to think dat its the end of the day, for today. and a bundle of skrip jwpan aku letak atas meja study aku - nampak nyer will be left there - tak bersentuh.


---


dpt 2 lagi panggil kursus for dis month. 5/4 - Komunikasi Berkesan, whole day in ere. 11/4 - Creative Thinking - also di kolej aku, jadik fasci. and then 14/4 - 27/4 - aku will be in INTAN Bukit Kiara, on Reserach Methodology. ergkh.
















Monday, April 2, 2012

satay.













satay!
hell yeah.




i was talking to a fren during the lunch time - he told me he'd love to go for a Subway for a lunch - tp since lesen halal or somethg kena tarik.. so instead of he's havin the Subway - he had satay. and he got it posted on the wall - jst like dat! i am not sure where the hell the idea came from - tp out of the sudden - aku teringat nak mkn satay..


and the worst part is - it was during a lunch time. mana nak carik kat sini? satay for a lunch? damn.


aku mmg suka satay. i knw the calorie, the fat wat ever the fcuk it is - kinda not good, tambah plak dgn kuah kacang.. aiyoooo.. its like ko lari keliling pada coupla time pun blum tentu burn down all the calories away (shait - now i am talking!). but then - they r may fav! especially satay ayam. damn. and Satay Willy yg kat Bangi tu. dowhh! sedap seh.


aku hit the gym a bit late ari neh. aku a bit leka jap dok marking skrip paper. i had 2hrs class today - 3 - 5pm. since it was rainin, aku mls nak terburu2 to the gym. sah2 tak ramai org pun. by 5.30pm aku - kat gym. Achap antar msg like 'sir, sy tak turun gym la.. esok ada paper' and dat enuf buat aku lagik malas nak workout. so aku decided do a bit of cardio je la. but by 6.30pm - tetiber si budak Achap ni muncul wit sort of  'kesian plak sir kat gym..'. bley? so dah lambat aku tau - we did a bit of back je la ari neh.


by 7.30pm - aku dah otw back - still wit the urge of havin satay in my head. its like - there - kickin my skull off. like, sgt kurang ajar, mcm tu. the tot was like so intrusively disturbing, mcm tu. over kan? haha.. so aku decided to hav a tour around - cari brader jual satay. alhamdulillah - regular stall tempat aku selalu beli and mkn satay tu bukak (w'pun aku bet sah2 tak bukak since it was raining). pe lagik - aku tapau je lah! nak melangut makan kat situ - ujan.. and gez wat? aku stumbled into Acahp and his gf. he was like - 'heh, workout truk2.. last2 tapau satay..'. gampang! tp aku diam and senyum je la.. since dia dgn gf dia. kalo tak.. ko ingat aku nak duduk diam? haha.. the best part is - aku rasa he read my face well. he went like, 'sy bukan nak mkn sini pun sir - pempuan ni yg ajak sy.. dah nak buat mcmana' kinda thang. sumpah - aku tak cakap pe2 pun! heh.


now aku dah kenyang. a half bundle skrip jawapan yg aku plan nak tanda neh - tak jgk terusik. perot kenyang.. mata dah kechik. a part of me rasa sgt puas ati since dr siang tadik aku dok teringat nak mkn satay - and i had em well. and another part of me - dok nyumpah2 since aku shldnt hav dat heavy dinner pun, yet aku eat like a horse! shait. aku tau aku had a slow basal metabolic rate - mkn sket pun bdn naik mcm kena pam. mencik lah..  :-(


ngantok weh! keje tak siap2 lagik.. huargkhh!


---


nyte, peeps!














balls?















masuk ofc je, aku terus bukak planner aku. first day of April, working day dat is. basically schedule aku free lagik setakat ni, kecuali few slots on ceramah and public services yg awal2 lagik aku dah slot in. kelas dah mula reda, since aku nyer lecture heavy mostly awal2 sem je.. skang dah towards the end neh - kurang sket dah.


ari ni - 2hrs of lecturing on Sociology je.. on Morale & Culture Value. pagi ni meeting at 8am, dgn Mr Bong. other than dat - aku mght be ended up marking je la kot.. paper Psychology and Psychiatry Post-Basic. haish.


looking at dis, rasa mcm fail je mission aku nak hanging balls. perhaps - hanging balls while marking? hehe









Sunday, April 1, 2012

home sweet home..








by 5pm, aku bertolak dr rumah ngah. surprisingly - so many cars on the highway. masuk je ikut Kamunting (Taiping Utara), dah slow moving. and all the way up to Kuala Kangsar, the crowd moved so freaking slow.. and dis is the time when u can see all sort ppl, incldg those wit big cars yet small tiny brains - nak jugak potong sebelah kiri. and all these small tiny cars, acting as if they r super big cars yg kalo kena langgar pun, tadak pa pa. as for me - aku drove a small car je ari neh - so aku decided not to join the crowd. aku exit Kuala Kangsar, aku off for Ipoh ikut jalan lama.. and it was raining all the way sampai dpn rumah.


i am glad wit the trip today. it mght looks like it is nthg much to u, but it means a world to me. seeing kak ngah dah back to who and wat she is - like the way she was, before - i cld feel theres tears in my eyes. she kept asking for forgiveness for she mght said a thg or two dat cldve hurt me when she was ill, and all i can do was standing there, seein her into her eyes.. and smile. kak ngah dah btul2 ok - suara dia je dgr time kat dapor, plus jerit2 marahkan minimons yg sekor2 mcm mini-antu.. tu tak yah ckp lah. and duduk kat meja dapur, gossiping wit mak.. and mkn. hahaha


alhamdulillah. Allah je yg tau how aku bgun tgh mlm, solat dan berdoa moga Allah kembalikan kak ngah aku yg dulu. and Allah je tau how each time aku tadah tgn berdoa - aku cant help havin tears out of eyes, terkenangkan diri kak ngah yg so not her.. and now, she's back. dammit wat else cld i ask for?


mee kari? dats different.


dah iron baju. dah kemas beg gym. dah kemas beg keje. all the skrip jwpan yg tak siap aku dah sumbat masuk dlm kete. nthg on the idiotbox. nthg on the phone either.


think i jst mght as well crash soon.. its a Monday after all, trow!


gnyte peeps. dream some dreams!








mee kari!








sampai bgn serai arnd 11am. sampai rmh angah, aku tgk skin acik a bit worsen - he's havin a slight dermatitis, itchy like hell. lama dah, until angah pun mcm dah giv up tatau nak bwk pi klinik mana. aku kesian tgk acik dok bergaru, aku trus bwk dia pi klinik. as usual, nthg much - steroid topical, a few oral drugs. tak pa la, as long he's healthy.


kak ngah dah ok. way better. siap tnya aku nak mkn apa. aku dgn selamba ckp, 'mee kari..' and gez wat? mee kari i had for a lunch! haha.. and surprisingly - mak abah pun ada sama. abah drive all the way dr Selama, when em both knew aku will be ere kat rmh kak ngah. and lunch - damn. it was perfect! darn i wont ask for more. mee kari jst exactly mcm mak buat, and we had it like a kenduri for abah baca doa selamat a bit. shait aku eat like a horse. and aku swear to God mlm ni aku tak nak dah mkn.


unless it mee kari. again.


dah kenyang. sgt2 kenyang. now aku dah tergolek dpn tv (ofkoz lah, its Ceria!) wit all the monmon. best mcm ni.. proper meals, kenyang, the nthgness, surrounded wit ur love ones.


i mght be off to the MuMuLand, anytime soon. acik awal2 lagi dah hanyut sblh aku..

posted from Bloggeroid

hola!







its Sunday. i mean - a Sun day. i shld not be at home. mcm semlm - i stayed back all day long, facing the same shait - marking paper. yet tak abes2 jugak. so today - i decided to get the hell outta ere; no marking paper, no stayin back home. and aku decided to drive up to Bagan Serai - rumah angah. rindu plak dgn minimonsters. 


i cld hav a fair good break there, and i shall be back in ere by nite then. skrip jwpan? go to hell. nanti aku smbg trow - kat ofis.


crashed around 10.30pm, semlm. but then - aku tak bley tdo. by 11.45pm - aku found myself back in the study room - feeling kinda restless tgk skrip2 jwpan yg mcm haram. i knw - dis is the worst part of bringing keje ofc balik rumah - aku hardly hav a good normal life kalo bwk mender2 neh ke rumah. aku tgk 2 - 3, update blog and aku decided to lepak downstairs - channel surfing on the idiotbox. nthg much, really. 


3am aku, aku tersedar - instead aku watch the idiotbox - the idiotbox is watchin me. aku crawled upstairs, to the bilik tdo, and smbg the tdo. 6am bgun - and ere i am. cdg nak pi Pdg Polo for a jog/aerobic - tp aku mls. bdn aku still rasa a bit of sore post-work out last Friday wit the boys.


tiber2 je aku feel like taking a break. bercuti ke, aper ke. on my own. jeles benar aku tgk org pi bercuti. Vietnam lah, Koh Samui lah, apa lah. sigh.









so wtf?















perhaps its jst me bein so over-sensitive. but i cant think str8 if my brain is full of emotions and tots. so. like blowing ur nose when u hav a cold, i'd like to blow my brains onto dis blog (as if i never do it before). got the visual? good.


a really good fren of mine recently said some not-so-nice thgs to me and so i'm whining about it on my blog. pretty sad, i knw. actuallt if it were anyone i din care - it'd hav jst rolled off my back and i wld go on my day w/o giv it a single f*ck pun. but dis is someone i respect, look up to and care about - personally. so it hurt pretty deeply, like shait.


now - its been days dah pun. words r words. nthg more nthg less. its entirely possible dat dat person was lacking in sleep and busy wit the super-important job and was simply too cranky to deal wit thgs around it. but wat was said exactly? simple words. only 8 if i count em, correctly. and thg i report will be completely out of context, but here they r regardless; ' u r selfish', and ' u will never grow up!'. ouch. f*ck shait. these tiny words hurt like hell and will bother me for the next few weeks. and ofkoz - aku sentap sekejap.



i am pretty sure they both r not true. well, i am selfish in my own way. well everyone is pun - but dats not the type of selfish was meant. selfishness is so subjective anyway. ru selfish for followin ur dreams? can be. especially if ur ignoring the rest of the world in pursuit it. unless they come true, then ur jst special. is the guy who works around the clock, day and nite at his high paying job to support the fmly - selfish when he buys a nice car? is he selfish wit his the majority of his time which is spent at work (instead at home)? contoh je la. but then again.. see - pretty subjective, kan? too many other factors to consider to get the full picture.


and yeah - who the f*ck ru to judge me mcm tu, eh? jst becoz we r good frens, and i care for u - doesnt mean u can simply say thgs like dat la.. kan? saying i will never grow up is usually a joke, and sometimes a compliment - but not in the way it was used. 




to be fair, i hav a pretty sharp tongue sometimes. no doubt about dat. yet i always apologize sincerely when i misstep. and dis on person has a track record of the mouth runnin faster than the mind, so i'll giv the benefit of the doubt. jst to make sure - i told dis one person dat i was a bit hurt at wat was said (even it it makes me look like a wuss). dis so-called fren of mine ignored me (again - probably super-duper-bz) and then said 'good evening', which is the type of good evenin which is anythg but. dis one person also the type to never apologize for anythg said, so i guess i will jst hav to suffer until time takes its course.

or.. wtf? screw dat! i am tired of ppl i call frens who make me feel guilty for takin out if their busy schedule to talk wit me. i am takin time out of mine, too. if ur too f*ckin bz for ur own bloody frens, then perhaps u need to re-evaluate.

in any case, if ur feelin like crap jst bcoz of  sthg someone said - jst knw dat ur not alone.

they r plenty of us!