Saturday, March 31, 2012

hurt?














when we fall in love - we automatically giv the other person the 'power' to hurt us. at least dats wat i think. anyone can hurt us, but the wound is especially greater if its done to us by someone we love.


if u've been in one - u knw how it is like. u were dependent on ur partner, emotionally. u needed him/her to validate ur feelings, acknowledge ur emotions, and make u happy. u remember how it felt like to be at his/her mercy. and u knw its ur own fault - bcoz ur givin him/her so much power over u. when u broke up, u were strugglin to get used to ur old self, again. u started to rely on urself way more for ur own happiness.


its a great feelin to break free from the power someone has, over u. its really liberating. imagine all those times when u wld cry over somethg others said - whn u wld spend the rest of ur day miserable bcoz u had a fight, or wat about those times when u let him/her dictate how u eld act? imagine how it felt like depending ur happiness on him/her. did it feel good? it made u feel pathetic and alone. and trapped, right? when u givur partners power to hurt u - u giv him/her dis bcoz of ur connection to him/her. u - in turn; hav the power to hurt him/her too - but u dun do it bcoz u love him/her.


soemtimes we hurt the ones we love w/o meaning to - unintentionally. but dis is wat love's all about, aye? its all part of the package. wat we can do is to increase our own self worth, so when the person we love hurts us - its easier to get back up and heal. working towards breakin free of the -ve aspects of a relationship is always a good advice. 


yet it doesnt mean dat i am good at it, pun. LOL.

















Thursday, March 29, 2012

regrets?








we live life wit regrets - no matter how convincing we r tellin others, dat we 'hav no regrets'. its a fact - be it wat ever kinda regret ur having. be it a small one, or a big one dat they made ur life pretty hard to bear - for months. years. and such.


i was bitterly sorry dat i had given to my own interests time and energy which cldve been devoted to companionship. i regretted every time dat i had been impatient or lacked understanding. and each of these times was like a melancholy record, playing in my bloody mind - over and over again. y had i not shown greater attitude to one person, and to another the constant love dat had actually been deep - in my heart. and mind?


such thang added up to a pile of obsessions which i carried around, until i was almost exhausted. 


i somehow found out for myself dat it was necessary to turn my back forever to some regrets. i shall never let myself regret the passage of time bcoz its irrevocable. theres nthg to be gained by beating one's head against the wall of life. i shall cease to regret happenings in my past which cannot be changed. 


regrets r as personal as fingerprints. in my own case - i am especially sorry for the times when i hav carelessly or deliberately wit held encouragement from others. i regret most bitterly the times when i hav injured delicate feelings or inflicted pain. i regret today the way i hav spent some of my time in the last ten yrs. i cldve been used it to much more advantage. i hav gone to far too many pleasureless, noisy parties. i hav cut short days in the country and had too few evenings to read or listen to music. i regret i hav never seriously studied foreign language.


but then again - i hope, these regrets; r not entirely vain ones. for i can do sthg about em. and wit em. it may be too late, but at least i still got time. for everythg.


---


crashing now. darn too lazy nak iron baju melayu for trow. i shall get it donw esok pagi je lah.


gnyte.







Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Wet-nesday, yeah!








crashed early last nite. i mean - literally; its not dat early pun. its my usual time pun. dinning out semlm - i was like carving for ayam kampung lately, and dats wat i had last nite. aku ratah ayam je, cicah sos cili (euw!). balik rumah, aku dah ngantuk - terus golek2 dpn idiotbox and off terlena dpn tv. by 2am - i crawled up bed, in my main bedroom. and as usual, by 4.30am - aku dah wide awake. mencik.


4hrs of teaching today. 2hrs done. i mean - basically. 1.5hrs je pun - then aku let the stdnts off. nanti 11am aku ada kelas lagik.notes budak2 dah dpt. the idea, the concept - shldve in their mind. cuma aku masuk - discuss few thgs, clear up doubt and such. aku dun believe in standing in front em all, and deliver. stdnts will sit still for the first 20mins je, and after dat - ur on ur own.


unless u hav ur own way to tarik em all back to u.


so many thgs need to be done dis week. SKT la, marking la, exams, classes, clinical kena buat jugak.. argkh.


---


called mak otw to work dis mornin. she was kinda surprised to receive my call at dat particular hrs. tak de pe urgent pun - i jst need someone to talk to je. and i jst wanna hear her voice as well. aku bgtau mak yg aku pakai kasut baru ari neh - and she asked me - jokingly; if 'along dah gigit ke kasut tu' so dat the kasut wont go gigit me. as usual - aku kinda skeptical wit all dis. he knws i am - and i knw she loves pulling my legs je pun. of koz aku gelak and aku was like 'heh, mak neh..' kinda thang. and gez wat - now inner side of kaki kanan aku dah sakit sket. due to friction between the kasut and the socks. 


shait. dammit aku nak kena gigit jugak ke kasut neh? haih.






Monday, March 26, 2012

kosong.









spent most of the time kat library. i found it is way easier to stay there, and finish up doin thgs. rather than aku duduk ofis - ada je stdnt ganggu, kwn2 ajak mkn et al. i admit aku managed to finish up doin few thgs there - but then again - at the end of it; looking around - aku felt so empty. its all in my head sebenarnya pun. till aku decided to leave the library and back to the ofis.


as expected - Amer was kinda surprised seeing me dat 'aku ingat ko cuti..' and 'jom pi mkn' kinda thang. and selang few minutes - Ajak msg the same - ajak kuar mkn. tp aku declined, since aku dun feel like goin out pun. by 12pm - aku drove uot alone, had lunch on my own and balik masuk ofis terus.


kelas akt 2pm, for an hr. on Nilai Moral dan Kemanusiaan. aku decided to let the stdnts watched a few clips on Euthanasia (the right to die)  dan Anencephalic (a new born wit no skull/brain). and aku threw the questions for em all to think and discuss - wats their stand, wat wld they do and such. and trow - there'll be sort of discussion session based on the clips, and formal class on dat particular topic.


save my time. and my 'dun feel like working' today.


---


deep in me - aku feel btol2 kosong. its like these r so not-ordinary kinda days yg aku've been thru all dis while. its like me in here, but my tot, my soul r out there somewhere.












it aint November, i knw.




i love dis.




Thursday, March 22, 2012

Thor-sday.








its a long day, today. aku went out at 6.30am - reached A&E Hosp. Batu Gajah by 7.30am. aku dun hav to be dis early, i knw. but somehow i knw its gonna be a long day today - and aku decided to move fast. and early. jumpak stdnt, bed-side teaching - fixing a catheter on dis one male patient, while the students observing. its a simple hands-on kinda teaching, the dis and dat - by 8.45am; i am done wit Batu Gajah. aku terus ke  Klinik Kesihatan Parit. perut lapar - tp aku tahan jap, since aku need to finish up Parit first, at least. we did some discussion on OPD case clerking, some pathophysiology - and aku blah heading for Klinik Kesihatan Beruas. singgah kat Pekan Parit, and had my breakfast. its kinda lonely doin dis all alone. and browsing the phone thru out the journey - i aint sure who to call, for it'd be nice if i cld be talking to someone - while doin dis on my own.


but then - i knw sumer org bz. its a workin hr after all. lookin at the phone like ever 1 min wldnt do any good pun. i feel like to do a call or two - but i decided not to. theres so many thgs marching up head - i feel kinda upset. and at the same time - i am tryin so hard to be a lil positive. driving alone - a long journey, kinda sleepy, and mp3 at a high volume seems not helping at all - i had my mind flying all over places.


at least - on dis clinical teaching nyer visiting; sumer stndts r doin ok. done wit Klinik Kesihatan Beruas - aku blah trus ke Pantai Remis. we discussed on doin debridement for dis diabetic foot patient. the stdnts did well, and aku puas ati. by 1.30pm - aku done wit the whole thang. and aku gotta rush back to the office since there'd be a meeting at 3pm.


meeting plak pospon to 4pm. ok la. sempat jap aku bernyawa.. and by 4 till 6 sthg, meeting akademik. sumer pakat mengeluh since Timb Pengarah (its a she) byk membebel, and ran the meeting not accordingly to the minit mesyuarat. and i found it sucha utterly bulshait.


settled up few thgs for trow, by 7.45pm baru aku smpai rumah. hit the shower.. solat. bateri hp awal lagi dah flat. aku cldnt make any calls. no msges as well. sigh.


---


at time like dis - i wish i cld hav someone i cld share the dis and dat i went thru for the whole day, today. how makcik yg niaga nasik kat Beruas speaking dgn aku (surprisingly), and how aku stopped the car in the mid of nowhere - angkat dis turtle of somethg yg terhegeh2 melintas jalan. and how sleepy i am - dat i cried oud loud Whitney Houston, and dis kakak berenti kat trafik lite tersengih2 tgk aku - only then aku realised dat tingkap kete aku ada yg tak rapat..


i gez i shall crash early, tnite. and sleep on dis coupla thgs in my head. 


for those yg travelling trow - selamat bercuti! hope u'll be havin a good break, wit the whole fmly. snap pics a lot, and dun forget my FM and my I Love -- tshirt. haha


---


i am sorry if i hurt u guys out there. any one at all. i knw taking the reason 'nobdy is perfect' is sucha lousy excuse. i am tryin my best. and yet  - i am jst a flesh and blood.


jst like u.


gnyte.






Wednesday, March 21, 2012

yawn







aku sgt tak suka kalo batuk mcm ni. aku tau - aku shldnt go complaining. kalo mak dgr ni  - sah2 la aku kena khutbah Jumaat way darn too early than it suppose to be. but aku btol2 tak tahan - dis dry, non-productive kinda cough wit irritating throat - haiyoooo.. aku lagi rela cough up sputum je. sah2 by the time sputum clear - batuk pun disappear. ni tak. no kahak. tekak sgt tak selesa. and batuk terkokol-kokol. isk, tp bukan batuk kokol ya.


aku dah telan cough syrup tadik. silap aku jugak la kot - pi pekena murtabak ayam kat kedai mamak sebelum smpai rumah tadik as early dinner. berminyak2 - dats the thang. and balik - bukak je fridge; aku mmg tak bley resist air peti sejuk yg sah2 menyejuk kan jiwa raga.


and now aku batuk mcm serigala nyalak bukit. and dis ubat batuk - pantang masuk je perut - terus makes me drowsy and aku tak bley buat apa2, except gulin2 and terlena. aku bet the effect starts to suppress my central nerves system by now, since aku dah terasa the tingtong-ness, now. shait.


sempat jugak tgk DrawSomethg. tadak saper2 sgt pun. ermm..


ngantok la.. keje tak jugak siap2. haish.





Wet-nesday!







reached the office by 8.30am. there's no aerobic today - tp pagi2 lagik aku terus ke WKL tgk stdnt2 aku kat sana.. then baru masuk ofis. since kalo dah masuk ofis - aku tend to jadik malas even nak kuar balik. parking satu hal. nak keluar is another hal. supposedly aku kena pi clinical teaching/visit to Batu Gajah, again - tp aku rescheduled. esok je lah. by 9am - ofc called - aku kena masuk meeting at 2.30pm since nama aku naik dlm AJK Protokol.. since Sultan Perak nak dtg rasmi KSKBUK ni by Jun. damn! protokol? God sake. aku is one of the protokol-less alive in ere, i think. and now - aku AJK Protokol. sgt cynical. tp tgk list balik - Fina ada, Apiz pun ada. Mim ajak aku join komiti dia as Persembahan. hohohoho.. never. dis is Sultan y'allz. bukan takat Dato' SUB yg ko gedit2 sket pun dah abes ati happy smpai ujung thn. biar la protokol pun, protokol lah. since aku tak pernah in any protokol nye kominit - aku take dis as a challenge, somethg new yg aku shld learn thgs in it.


done wit signing agreement. bank called - mcm2 tnya. aku tnya balik dat lil gal - pehal ko tnya aku byk2, as if aku byk sgt utang.. and 'ni nak bagi loan ke tak?' kinda thang. she told me - mmg skang nak beli kete payah nak mampus. sumer kena tgk - bukan stkt pay-slip je. keji lah. tp alhamdulillah - lepas. aku tau ramai akan bising since trend kat ofis neh - kalo bley beli lori balak pi ofis, lori balak jugak dorg beli. lagi besar, lagi bagus - boost up their self-esteem katanyer Ajak. watever lah. ikut kemampuan, kan? aku amek yg paling kecik dlm pasaran. senang nak gerak rumah - ofis. balik kg or travel lain2 tempat - aku guna yg lain2 kat rumah tu je lah. yg penting - effisien, mudah, simple and tak pyh grand2. hehe.. lagipun itu je aku mampu. 


tangan aku bau kari. sgt tak selesa. maybe since aku dah kenyang nasik kari ikan, now bau kari ikan pun aku nak sawan. benci lah. bilas dgn sabun pun bau lagik. tensi weh. tatau pe jenis rempah la akak kedai ni guna. nak sembur Drakkar Noir, rasa over la plak,


batuk aku makin menjadi. teguk ubat batuk suku botol sekali makan  pun tak lega2. rasa nak garu dgn pembaris je tekak aku neh.







Tuesday, March 20, 2012

help!
















i love sterika baju. baju seluar et al. i jst love doin it alrite. its like - dari baju yg kedut medut tu - u transform it into a nice shape, 'flawless' and kedut-less - its like suatu kejayaan for me. it satisfy me, like a lot. really. and dats y i dun mind doin the ironing. all the time. time raya kat kg - mak aku akan suruh aku do the ironing. baju dia, baju abah jugak. even angah pun mintak tolong aku. let alone Soleh adik aku yg bongsu tu. tiap2 mlm seblm tido - i will make sure aku go pressing the baju kerja, suar kerja sumer2 - and then baru aku tido dgn lena.


aku lagik suka iron baju - way better then basuh baju and lipat baju (yucks!). let alone washing the dishes.


but tonite. aku mls. mls like - sgt2 mls. aku rasa even aku tak iron mlm ni pun - esok pg lps Subuh pun aku mls. mls nak iron baju. shait.


bley tak aku cuti je esok. since aku mls iron baju?


argkh.








petty thgs in life.







darn i dun believe in coincidence. its either thgs jst happens, or nothg at all. but dat wat happens to me - today. its like - ur humming to a song, and u get in the car, turn on the radio - the exact song is playing. it strikes ur mind well, and ur smiling. someone get across ur mind well - and ur smiling seeing the numbers on yr phone screen. its like watever in my mind today - it comes to real. its kinda nice to see thgs dis way - all those petty thgs - the do make ur life beautiful.


dats wat i am doin - today. nthg much in the office (dun tell me i dnu hav thgs to do - i do; but i jst dun feel like doin it, today), i spent my time browsing the net, went thru some journals, spent time kat library - do some reading, and yeah - on the mobile doin the DrawSomething. hahaha.. darn - its ketagih-able!


browsing the FB - nthg much there. kinda miss one of the fren yg dulu, rapat sgt dgn aku. but due some silly mistake (my own silly mistakes dat is) - we went apart on our own way. damn aku wish aku cld turn back time. and damn i wish i'd hav the chance to revert the whole shait. but thgs hav been said and done.. i gez i hav to face the music - as it is.


dah dkt pukul 5pm. ujan la plak.


owh - btw, start dis Thursday - aku no longer driving my Hancil or Hwira. or my Hoyota to work. i'll be in one of the miniature. nice!







Monday, March 19, 2012

good luck!
















to Whom Dis May Concern;



all the best. i knw dis mcm tak cukup je.. but i meant it. i knw how tense it is havin all dis conflicts in mind - about so many thgs at a time - but i am sure u knw the best. i am sure u knw how to deal wit it well - for i knw u well, and i knw ur the best. i mght be good at words - but ur way better than me in putting thgs in perspective. 


for dats wat ur. and dats wat i adore.


life is a journey - u knw dat better. it aint a destination. and all along the journey - we'll go thru shait and such. the ups and downs. nobdy wants dat. everyone craves for a better-all-the-time kinda life, no doubt. 


but havin the ups and downs in life - is the best thgs about life itself. it'll makes u wat ur, who ur. u'll be stronger. u'll be wiser. and next time u knw - u'll definitely knw how to take thgs down well - where nbdy cldve done dat - as good as ur. so be strong. be wise. take thgs at a time. settle em one by one. i knw u've heard all dis before - but then, dats the way it is.


u'll take the new challenge, u'll grab the best chance around, and u'll go kickin arses out there. u'll open those budak2 bangang nye mata, and u'll make em shait in their pants well. they'll knw dat ur no toy to fool around wit, and they'll regret for bein a pain in the arse - all dis while.


all the best. i am praying for u - wit all my heart. and my soul. 


u knw i'll be around - no matter wat it is.


good luck! and all the best.








hi!






its been a while since aku last wrote thgs in ere. for the past coupla days - i mean; a week back - gav a huge impact to us.. the whole fmly. but then again - theres always some better thgs behind all thgs - i keep on telling me dat; at least aku glad seeing adik2 aku all out for the sake of kak ngah - everybdy shared a bit of pain. ngah is way better now - talked to her dis morning. and i we laughed out loud, as we used to before. it means a lot to me - way than anythg at all.


simply a so so day today. masuk ofis around 8.30am - since pagi2 around 6.30am aku dah kat Dataran Sri Perdana - conducting senamrobik for all the Pengarah2 ILKKM.. Sabtu dorg komple terlalu cepat and tak bley catch. Ahad dorg ckp terlalu slow and melancholic. aku hope - pagi tadik aku did well enuff - since aku pun pancit a bit.


class akt 2 - 4.30pm; on Emotion and Motivation. as usual - i made it simplified since dorang dah did some extended reading and presentation ont the topic. so aku jst put a bit of dis and dat on few thgs yg penting.


its gonna rain out there. too lazy to hit the gym. and i dun think i wld kot.





Thursday, March 15, 2012

afraid


















we r all like dat -
we r scared of the unknown.
somethg we dun understand..










Wednesday, March 14, 2012

..







reached home by Maghrib - i feel so tired. and empty. as before - apart of me left behind there wit  kak ngah and fmly. wit mak abah. i wanna be there for them - but i hav limitation in doin so. i gotta work trow - class and such. its pain for not be able to do. aku rasa nak MC je esok and run back home.


done wit clinical teaching in Hosp Batu Gajah by 9am. 7.30am aku dah kat Casualty, dgn stdnts. i want to get it done early as i can, so i cld go back home - to kak ngah. and its a long drive - by 12pm somethg, aku dah kat rumah mak..


it is sad to see angah like dat. she was so weak, she hardly speak. i cld see the emptiness in her eyes. its like she wanted to say somethg, but she jst cant. sometimes she smiled away, seein me in the eyes. and i cant stop cryin seeing her like dat - and seeing her pic wit her fmly by the bed-side - dis is not her dat i knw. i cld jst sit by her side, hold her hand, and talked softly to her - begging her to be strong. and all dis bullshait, will pass. aku still remember semlm ptg - when aku called home; she was the one who picked it up, and talked nicely. she said shes ok - dat i need not to worry a thang about her. she said she's ok - dat she's able to do thgs on her own, looking after her hubby and the minimons. 


and it breaks my heart, when aku called mak dis morning - her condition deteriorated. she's so weak. and w'pun she din talked incoherent, irrelevantly anymore - she's still kinda confuse. she keep on asking me wat happened to her. why dis and why dat. is she or not gonna be ok.  it really breaks my heart, God sake.


and aku kesian tgk mak - i cld see dat she's so tired. tho each time aku asked her so, she said dat shes ok and 'kalo mak barig jap.. mak ok la..' kinda thang. and abah as well. 


by 2pm, abg ngah decided to go back to Bagan Serai and berubat there. and kak ngah was so eager. mak plak - serba salah; abh wanted to drive on his own (w'pun we dun really bagi dia drive) - and he insisted to do so. so mak pi dulu dgn abg ngah, angah and minimons - leaving aku dgn abah. aku pujuk abah naik dgn aku - still, he refused. he asked me to go first, sayin dat 'tak pe, nanti abah bwk pelan2..'. and aku decided to make a move, on my own.


approx. 5kms to reach rumah angah (after like 1hr ++ driving), mak called - saying dat shes so worry of abah driving alone. so worry dat she asked me - 'bley tak along patah balik and tgk abah kat mana?' kinda thang. i was like.. wat? patah balik? aku patah balik, and stop by the road side - waiting for abah to arrive. but after like 20mins of waiting, theres no sign of abah. aku started to feel so scared - and a lot of stupid thgs rushed up my head. abah, 76yo, having early sign of dementia, driving alone. oh my God. aku start kereta - aku pecut balik rumah mak. and deep in my heart - aku tak henti2 berdoa.. pls Ya Allah. pls.


and gez wat? smpai rumah mah - aku cld see kereta abah still parking nicely dpn porch rumah. aku decided not to go in - aku risau kalo abah marah, for havin doubts in his capability. aku decided to tunggu hujung jalan, and wait for abah. and as expected - after like 15mins, aku nampak kereta abah slowly turun bukit - heading to the main road! God knws how i feel. aku lega sgt sgt. so - like a PI, aku drive slowly ikut kete abah (yg mmg dia bwk like.. sgt slow), risau kalo dia perasan me driving at his back.


smpai rumah angah - abah dah tunggu dpn porch. by the time aku kuar kete, dia senyum je and goes like 'abah ari ni untung.. ada escort..'. sigh. abah.. abah.. u never knw how it feels for me. but then - seeing him smiling away, aku cant help to feel good. at least abah drive safe. ok sampai rumah ngah. and each time mak perli2 abah, abah was like 'eh, kan abg dah smpai.. ok la!' and mak goes wit her up-rolling eyes. aku swear to God, dat wld be the last abah did dat!


and i spent like half of the day - on the road today.


---


done wit maghrib, aku baca Yassin utk angah. hajat aku hanya satu - aku nak she come back as she is before. back in a good shape. sihat walfiat. for herself, her fmly, for mak abah, for her adik2. and for me. aku cant stand a sec thinking of wat she went thru. aku love her so much, as much as aku syg adik2 aku yg lain - for loving em all, make my life worth living.


---


couple of other thgs came in. and i am so sad. too tired to think as well.


i am tired, really. 


gnyte.









Monday, March 12, 2012

..








reached home in Ipoh by Maghrib. i am tired. sleepy. sneezing continuously - i knw it aint good for me. i am gonna hit my fever, any time from now.


on the way - i had my mind out of my head - i am thinkin about so many thgs. and kak ngah - is one of it. aku remember how mak hugged kak yang by the time she and her fmly left us for KL. and aku remember how mak cried - again - by the time aku nak masuk kereta and start driving for Ipoh. i was in Bagan Serai - teman mak abah and kak ngah wit her hubby pi berubat dgn ustaz semlm. i dun knw - i think she's getting better. i wanna think dat she is getting better. altho she kept on - every now and then cried and mumbling thgs, unnecessarily. she din wave me good bye like she used to do bila aku blah dr rumah dia dis time around. she jst sat there, and look at me - wit a blank stare. i wish i cld do better. i wish i cld do better than jst dis.


aku rasa kesian kat mak - leaving her along, struggling wit all dis. she acted like nthg happened, and aku rasa geram pulak tgk - as she's pretending thgs r well. and its so obvious. mak cracked jokes here and there, poking me wit her usual joke. but i was so tensed, i din say anythg at all - i jst left. kak yang tegur aku - and aku realize i did a big mistake. mak cried bila aku mintak maaf - she told me she need to be 'strong' so anak2 dia yg lain will be as strong as her. but deep down - nbdy knws. and how cld i be so shallow? 


i understand dat dis will pass. definitely. dis is sort of ujian Allah Taala kpd angah. kpd us - the whole fmly. angah used to be a strong lady. she's way stronger than me. her presence makes us selesa, tenang dan secure. now - we gotta look for all dat around us, gather em all together and be strong for her. it is tough. it is difficult for us - but we hav no choice. 


kak ngah - kuatkan semangat pls. along nak kak ngah sihat mcm sedia kala. along nak kak ngah as a kak ngah for all of us, mcm biasa. 


dis is not suppose to happen to her. dis is so wrong.


Ya Allah, belas kasihani lah kami.





angah, again.








reached home by 1.30am dis morning. i was so damn tired, sleepy. all i had in my head was hit my crib and crash.


but thg was not dat easy. angah a bit meracau, she's damn tired. she needs a crash, but she jst cant. i was there by her side, rite till 3am till aku dah tak tahan anymore - and aku terlena. angah tertido jgk. tp by 4 somethg, she woke up and starts the ordeal back again. mak was there. abah too. abah nampak sgt penat - he looks so clueless. ustaz ckp - angah 'disampuk' or somethg. ada 'benda menumpang' et all. dah 3 ustaz, and dis time she looks way ok than before. and for me - i ws kinda sceptical before. i am in a medical field, watdya expect. but i was there during the ustaz do the thg - and i see it myself. ofkoz i had all the medical explaination for all the thgs, but somehow - somethg left unexplained. and aku tak fhm. and aku dun think i want to.


but bg aku angah dah nampak way better insyaAllah - dis morning. aku hope thgs will get better. all aku nak is - i mean, all we want is; kak ngah get back in shape, the way she is before. angah dah start mkn sket. pg2 lagik dah mandikan angah - and she is getting ok. but then - she talks incoherently, irrational every now and then.


---


ofc  keep on calling me now and then. aku selectively answer mana yg relevant. other than dat - aku left em talked to the machine. i will call em back, if i want to.


---


kinda numb. its like i am havin dis thgs bottled up in me, and i wanna get em all out, jst dat  dun knw how. aku kesian dgn angah. she's a good gal. a good sister and daughther. she's a fabulous wife to her husband. somehow aku tak faham why angah yg need to got thru all dis. y her? y not someone else?


i am tryin to focus. i need to be strong so angah will be one too. and the rest of us. kak yang acik r sort of clinging on me - mak too. whereas for God sake - i am clueless and i am not sure of wat to do. each time angah incoherently talked out shait, i'd be there by her side - talk to her softly, try to pacify her done - and aku cant help to hav tears in my eyes.


thgs will get better. thgs will be ok, i knw. i hav faith in Allah SWT. and i hav faith in good thgs will come around, soon.


i jst need to be strong. way stronger than dis.






Sunday, March 11, 2012

angah









at mak alrdy. despite of bz melayan kerenah minimonsters, kami sefmly berasa agak sedih - kak ngah tak sihat. rupanya - since balik dr berkelah like last 2weeks (or more), nhag was not feeling well. she was down, badan tak sihat, sedih every now and then - plus sometimes cakap few incoherent kinda thang. 


i hate to think it medically. and i hate to do dat to anyone in the fmly. i literally went thru dat before, and i knw how it is.


so sepjng trip balik ke rumah mak dr rumah cik - aku ikut je kete kak yang and fmly. mak, angah and abg ngah kuar awal lagik, since mak dah made an appointment dgn one of the ustaz in Bagan Serai. i wanna go there str8 dr acik's, tp mak ckp tak pyh, i shall balik ke rumah mak wit kak yang and fmly. and abg ngah will bring angah and mak back to mak's.


all dis while - hidup aku ceria wit angah around. dia mcm mak jugak - tau amek berat hal adik2 and along dia. she cooked well. she wld sit down and talk to me. listen to me well. she was the first yg hantar msg doakan 'along will be jst fine, jgn takut2 ngadap dorang.. along wil do jst well' kinda thang time aku interview last month. she called me the nite before, and she called me rite away after aku done wit the whole shait. kat kg - time mcm ni - bila kumpul adik beradik; she'll be the one yg paling kecoh, come wit dis and dat  - apa nak masak et al.


now she's now. aku rasa sedih. anak2 dia meloncat mcm biasak - they din knw a thang. i wish they knw how it is. and i wish they knw how it feels - deep in me.


aku cuma nak angah sembuh mcm biasa. aku tried to talk to her, using my skills and such - but each time i did; seein her crying for nthg makes me break down and cry too. i wish i cld help. dammit, i wish i cld help God sake.


---


aku called Mr Bong. i am taking leave trow - despie byk keje kat ofc, after like a week aku tak masuk ofc. taklimat stdnts posting ke Psych aku serah kat Bong to run it. budak2 research yg dah buat aptment dgn aku - think aku hav to re-schedule it back again.


aku nak ikut mak, angah and abg ngah pi berubat kat Bagan Serai esok.


angah - kuat semangat ya. angah akan sembuh mcm biasa.. and angah will be jst fine. 


along syg angah.




Friday, March 9, 2012

adois.







done wit all thgs, waiting for the so-called pilot to come and pick me up, and drive me home.


its hot. amd i cant wait to be seated dlm mpv nanti.. so dat aku cld close my eyes - and crash

posted from Bloggeroid

yay!






a last day ere in Seremban. literally - i am eager to be back home. i am not sure y, and i gez dis is the first time i am feeling dis way. all dis while - aku dun mind kena outstation lama mana pun - and i am ok wit it. but dis time around - i am not. its not the Seremban 2 thang. and its not the work also. its the 'sunyi' thang dat i hav to deal wit - makes me feel so bloody empty and cant wait to get rid wit the whole shyte. it is - there'll always be a few thgs yg aku bley buat - wit me on my own. tp doin thgs alone - is somethg else.


semlm - smpai bilik around 6 sthg. Fina and Yus ajak kuar - and for the sake of aku tadak mender nak buat - aku ikut je la dorang merayau2 kat JJ. jalan dgn pempuan - biasa la.. masuk kuar kedai kasut beg tgn etc.. aku ikut je la - mcm body gourd pun ada. dinner kat McD, pi Watson and off balik. 


off to the college again and by 10pm somethg aku dah kat bilik - mandi, jumped into the boxer and do some reading - until aku dozed off. terjaga around 2am - aircond sejuk sgt, and aku not even under the duvet, and not wearing any shirt..


minggu dpn dah start a new sem. budak2 cuti sem., tp aku tak sempat2 nak amek cuti. 


---


i kept telling myself, to be careful wit whom i am dealing wit - sharing numbers, stories, pics and such. for semlm aku kinda surprise to knw dat dis a fren of mine tellin me about dis someone i knew thru the FB - been goin around telling like everybdy - dat dis A (also a fren of mine) has been trading pics and such an such wit him. aku tau - its none of my bisnes. they were jst trading pics and such (i gez) - jst dat i din see any reason nape plak nak jaja cerita to semua org. wats the point? i am kinda close wit A. and aku geram jgk rasa.


as for me - aku jst tgk and dgr je la.. i need not to knw pun. for aku learn my lesson well. way back then.















Thursday, March 8, 2012

at random





at random - Fina dok edit soalan sambil mulut pun sama sama naik. aku? edit, edit jugak. sebelah telinga for Fina.. another one for Adele on YouTube. hehe








found dis dlm Bilik Mesyuarat kolej lama aku in ere - nama aku was there, still - as pelatih terbaik keseluruhan (akademik). still remember dat day - mak abah dtg dr kg for my grad day, kena interview paper etc. haha









two of those thgs yg aku beli semlm. i knw its like.. again? but then - i love it. it help to improve myself, work and study.


posted from Bloggeroid


















Seremban 2, 3rd day.








third day ere in Seremban. its been a rainy day, since early ptg semlm. even pagi ni pun renyai2 lagi. semlm balik dr JJ Seremban 2 - aku rushing lari dlm hujan - malas aku nak tunggu since ujan makin lebat mlm tadi. sampai bilik, mandi, solat, read the book aku bought and off to MumuLand - aku cldnt remember wat time pun. and at 3.30am - aku terjaga - was having dis GERD post-dinner. sgt tak selesa.


aku rasa sunyi sgt ptg semlm. smpai bilik around 5.30pm - aku mandi2 and decided off to Jaya Jusco, wit the tot nak tgk wayang - tp citer yg ada kat TGV sumer mcm pffftt je. Cinta Kure Kre somthg, Adnan Sempit and few others English movies yg aku dah awal2 lagik tgk. feeling frustrated - aku decided to kil time wandering around, aimlessly - and ended up buying 2 books (both of em on Body Language), 2 shirts and 1 suar jeans. i spent more time kat MPH and Popular more than anythg else. before balik - aku singgah Delifrance for a dinner. alone.


and dats was the time aku redah hujan back to the room since aku mls nak tunggu lama-lama, since the hujan din show any sign of nak reda or somethg like dat. 


back in the room - aku feel so damn lonely. i knw i am not alone - but i cant help the feelin of loneliness in me. theres nothg on the idiotbox, theres nothg else to do. aku browse the phone - if i cld talk to someone and kill my time - and aku cldnt find one. aku faham - its a week-days, and ppl r bz wit life. work and such. aku ended up seein myself under the hot shower, jumped into the boxer, and curled up under the duvet - staring to the wall. aku tried to do some reading - both of the books aku baru beli tu undeniable good and aku eager to read em all good - but aku jst dun feel like to, at all. aku did read a bit actually - coupla pages, until aku dozed off wit the lite on.


and aku remember havin Adele - Set Fire To The Rain playin on the netbook, again and again.


last day in ere. for some reason - aku cant help to get rid of all dis, and head home. i am missing someone very badly, and i hav to deal wit it as it is.


perhaps i shld go catch a real movie ptg ni, kan? mesti ada citer baru dah ari ni..









Sunday, March 4, 2012

Son-day!









woke up early today. i crashed early la jugak semlm. nthg much to do pun. it was raining and i was doin some work yg aku perlu finish it up before off to Seremban by trow noon. by 9.45pm - aku cant help to feel damn bloody sleepy, and i finally crashed kat bilik study je. by 1am - aku crawled to the main bedroom, continued the MuMuLand thing. 


5.30am aku dah bangun. aku tau - it is sucha a waste to wake up such early, and it is Sunday after all. tp nak buat mcmana - aku nyer biological clock is like dat. tu pun on la 5.30 am - kalo di buatnya mcm hari2 biasa.. by 3.30 am or 4am aku dah terbungkang terjaga, tatau nak buat pe.. cemaneh? so aku bgun, Isya' (dah 2 mlm turut2 aku Isya' lambat!), lepak jap tunggu Subuh.. and off aku turun for my Nescafe session. deep in me aku nak pi jog and aerobic alrite - mcm semlm, and dat is wat i did, alrite.


done wit the aerobic - aku decided to jog for a while. at least - its way too early lagik pun nak balik. dat was then - aku stumbled into AP, again. remember - last 2 weeks, i bumped into the same person. rite?


aku passed AP by, and i knew he knew me still. aku went on for a round, and from a far - aku knw aku will pass AP again - and aku decided to get dis over. i mean - i kept on tellin myself dat theres no anger in me, hate, hatred and such - but deep down - i knw i am bullshitting myself well. 


before i left the park, aku said hi to AP. and i cld see the reaction - dat AP wanted to do the same. and i knew AP is not dat kinda person. we had a formal, plain conversation. askin hows life, hows work and such. AP din change much. 


and after like 15mins, aku mintak diri. i need to leave before anythg at all. so i walked off, and no turning back.


i was smiling to myslf - wit a satisfaction in me. its been 10yrs now, and i am really really do get over it well, alhamdulillah. after dis - if i bump in AP again - there'll be no rasa bersalah for tak tegur, and no rasa bersalah if aku tegur. AP is a nice person, who walked into my life once - leave a mark in me, and walked off. and i was the one who tot dat i was done wit it - yet every now and then - i kept coming back to left-behind thang, kept asking myself why and such.


now, no more. i am glad knwing AP. i am glad AP was a part of me - way back then. i had no regret. and i had no reason to turn back - for i hav one solid reason to look forward to, now. i am appreciated way better than before. and i am happy now. i din blame AP for the whole shait - i was naive back then. and so do AP. 


---


home now. gotta finish my work now, and take a nap. ptg ni kalo jadi - kelas renang. nak pack barang for trow plak.. btw - i will be in Seremban starting trow till Friday, and the date is confirmed. Mr Zul called me up jst now - since the date kept on changing. heh. no - not for a leisure - tp edit soalan. again. pffttt.






Friday, March 2, 2012

hi!







its been a while since aku last update the blog. been kinda bz lately. i mean - i was bz wit routine, works and such. 


involved wit editing soklan - made me not be able to move like anywhere at all. and last Wed - i was in UKM KL for a lawatan to Muzium Anatomy there - bringing like 108 stdnts, together wit Tan, Fina and Yus. the trip was ok - had fun, wit Tan, Fina and Yus yg kepala sah2 lbey kurang aku jugak.


so many thgs happened as well. and most of em - i am ok wit it. and some of em - i am so in love wit it, i kept on smiling thinkin about it.


kinda sleepy now. i knw it Saturday, but i am sleepy. its rainin out there after all.


i will write more, definitely. hav a great TGIF folks!