i dreamed about abah jst now. which made sense.. because today - is his birthday, and he was supposed to hav turned 68 today. i write 'supposed to', becoz abah is no longer around us physically - becoz he died on July 30, 2012. and today - November 30, 2012 - me and adik2 shldve berebut2 to call abah up, to see whos first get to wish him a very good birthday.. and his response will be (as usual), 'tak dak apa nak celebrate.. abah dah tua. makin dekat dgn kubur..'. and he giggled away.
i always try to find sometime to travel to him and mak, to be around on dis big day of his. but now - i jst prayin hard to at least see him in my dream, every nite before i go crashing. i remember dat feeling - of bein so secured, dat i wasnt confused when i see him in there - never think he shld be dead and wonder y he's still alive, as if it is so real. but i am jst happy he is there, for i knw he is happy at where he at now.
- but abah is not here today, so i cant do anythg together wit him. anymore. at least - not when i am awake.
i hav knwn abah, really known him - for all my life. for who and wat he was. not every child is lucky enuff to hav been able to say dat, i knw.
some children miss out on their fathers bcoz they decide to be physically absent, choosing work or hobbies over spending time wit their kids. other parents r emotionally absent, not lettin their children see dat they even hav emotions - hiding who they really r - maybe becoz they r embarrassed by their feelings - or perhaps, afraid dat real men dun cry. or hug. or kiss their children.
wit abah, i wanted for nthg. abah was always there for me in both body and spirit - showing me by his living example wat it was like to be a man, and a human being. dat it was possible for a man to show tenderness, to be unafraid of open affection wit ppl around u - and to be a loving person. he was selfless wit us all. tho way back then when i was a small kid - we hardly communicate, abah hardly showed us his feelings et al. but i knw - i jst knw how he felt inside. and at the end of his days - abah completely changed, abah started to show his soft side, his loving and caring self - dat i wish i cldve see all those, way back then. or perhaps, he cldve showed us way earlier.
it is impossible to speak of abah w/o also speaking of mak - becoz they were one. they r still one. together, they showed me wat true love was life, taught me wat a life shld be. abah loved us all more than he loved himself. when it became too hard for him to live on, the pain dat was the greatest for him was never his own - but rather the pain he saw in us.
at tragic times like these - so many families r worried about all the thgs left unsaid bcoz they were not brave enouff to say em and dat they r ran out of time. exactly i knw hows dat feel, as well. way back then we were so superficial when we said to abah dat 'kami sayang abah' yet we were not sure of wats dat about. but towards the end of his days - i managed to hold his hand, looked into his eyes - and told him how much i love him, and how much he meant to me; dat i wish i cldve buy more time to re-do thgs i yet to hav the chance of doin wit him, to him. and he was jst lookin at me wit dat blank lookin in his eyes, smiling. and rubbing my head. i am not sure he understand wat i told him, and God knws how i want him to knw all those thgs i said to him.
the world is filled wit adult men who never heard their father say 'i love you', who wonder thru out their lives whether they were love. i was there in those shoes, but again - at the end of his days - abah did tell us so many time how much he loved us, how much he cared for us - tho again, i wasnt sure if he understand wat he was sayin.. and again - i really do hope he knew wat he said.
i never doubted dat he loved us. me. he never told us so - directly, but we knew. and when we grew up - we always hugged abah, and salam abah, cium tgn abah - each time we reached rumah mak abah at kampung, each time we left home. i never doubted abah's love.
i love abah so much dat i am so scared if i failed him. i wanted him to be proud of me. i wanted him to see me as a good role model to my adik beradik. tho i knw i am not dat good enuff, i need him to knw dat i tried so hard - and i am still tryin to be the best; up to his expectation.
dis is the greatest gift dat a father can giv to his son. aku consider it a miracle dat he had the strength of spirit to be able to giv to me wat he was never given himself.
abah - Selamat Ulang Tahun Kelahiran ke 68. along wish ur still around - there at the end of the call, so i cld wish u so. so i cld hear the same script u'd be sayin, year in and year out. but ur no more around. and dat hurts me a lot.
along will always love abah, and along will always miss u.