Friday, September 21, 2012

flyin pffttt.


lately, i've been angry a lot. or maybe upset. or maybe frustrated. of coz, there r happy bits ere and there, every now and then - and judging from how some ppl r pleasant to me, i'd say dat there r times when i must actually look like a pleasant, normal, no-angry person. so at least, its not a 24/7 kind thang.

maybe its jst one of those breaking point times, where the smallest thgs wld set a person off - once u've been internalising so much. i dun like bein at dis point. who does? i am not, God sake. its a very dangerous point to be at, for other ppl to be around me and also for me - to be me. obviously - anger clouds all sorts of judgement. 

really, i try to keep it at bay. a consistently angry and bitchy person in certainly no fun (or productive) to be wit. hell yeah, the sarcasm mght be entertaining tho.. (if ur not at the recipient end of it, obviously).

but my owh my, dealing is tuff. processing all dis bloody murky, toxic junk swirling coercive in ur blood system.. sigh. it take a lot of stayin still, categorising ur tots and taking long, deep fcukin breaths. all while tryin to remember to not let it change the landscape of ur easily changed face. the last thg i need is scowl-lines before i even celebrating my next bird-day.

but now i think of it - dis whole upsetting feelin is not jst bcoz of event triggers - or negative comments from ppl etc. i think part of the reason is dat when i realise the world is more judgemental than i wanted to believe - i started to become more private to myself. i started to keep thgs to myself. wat i do, wat my tots, opinions and choices r, how i feel about thgs. too many ppl hav too may strong opinions about too many thgs dat affect lives of ppl who they dun giv it a flyin fcuk about.

apathy seems like the path which requires the least amount of energy. os so dat was wat i tot.

darn i feel better now. gotta hit the shower now. and solat Subuh.

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