Masjid UPM, June 2012.
awal2 pg lagik aku dah kuar rumah. plan nak ke kubur abah, tp terlajak terus ke Parit Buntar dgn Soleh - since nak selesaikan urusan kat JPN. tak pe, around 6pm nanti - aku dn Soleh pi kemudian, since mak called tadik ckp yg lain2 sumer dah pergi tgk abah, pagi tadik.
di JPN Parit Buntar, stumbled into dis one lady - she appeared to be shocked looking at the carbon-copy wit nama abah on it. she told us she used to work sekejap dgn abah seblm abah pencen, and kept telling us 'En Sunar sebaik2 bos' and stuff like dat. aku tgk Soleh, Soleh tgk aku. aku rasa sebak. and she made our kerja so smooth and easy, for we jst spent for about 15mins there, and we r done.
singgah rumah mak jap kat Kubu Gajah. apparently kak ngah and fmly baru je balik kot last week, and tolong mak kemas2 pe patut. and its been a week, rumah start berabuk balik. masuk je rumah - both of us tak ckp pe2. i gez masing2 layan paler masing2. Soleh settled hal dia, and aku lepak bilik abah - his study room, meja dia, and thgs r in order - nbdy dare to touch. abah made thgs in a way so dat it'll make thgs easier for him. penuh dgn nota2 reminder, buku2, and so much more. kerusi meja study abah dah berhabuk terus - its been 4mths since he last stayed there and did his thgs, he's been there all the time - as a place where he escaped dr hiruk pikuk anak cucu each time we r back in ere. not until he jatuh sakit - and dun remember a thang anymore.
baju Melayu yg abah last pakai still hanging there. minyak attar abah, beg2 kitab menuntut ilmu kat masjid - everythg in order. darn i cld see him in there, everywhere - his smell, his smile, his voice mengaji and such. aku immediately feel sad and aku tau aku tremendously miss him so much - dat i dun hav words for it. mak told me she probably not dat keen to stay in ere, alone. and we tot so. kak ngah ajak mak stay sama - and we will be back in ere, every now and then.
dis house full of love. abah worked so hard to hav dis roof above our heads, and he loves dis place. he love spending time kat kebun sebelah rumah like most of the time - dgn all sort of pokok2 buah and such; a place aku dun really keen of goin, except abah suruh aku do so.
aku crashed early smlm. by 2am, aku dah terbgun. tough time to get back to sleep. aku struggled wit thgs in mind, and such. aku rindu abah. it feels so lonely, its like there a huge hole in me - i dun knw how to describe it. aku cited al-Fatihah, and get drifted away before sahur.
i knw dis is gonna be tough for me. but i got no choice, for i hav no choice, except to face the music. it is somethg new for me - i never been thru any of dis kind, before.
i hurts me each time i think of how he's been doin now. but i believe - abah, being him as it is - i am sure Allah dah tentukan segala yg terbaik bagi abah, dat me - and everbdy in fmly, had to face it and berlapang dada dgn ketentuan Allah Taala.
Ya Allah, ampun kan dosa2 abah. Kau letak abah, bersama mereka yg beriman dan bertaqwa.
ameen ya rabb.