now dat abh is sleeping, aku rasa lapang sket. one of the male nurse asked me nape aku loosen up abh nye restraint to the railing, and aku explained him well. nbdy can tdo terlentang jst like dat wit in a long period of time. nbdy. he warned me dat abh mght 'cabut tiub', and i said 'owh, dat NG tube? sy bley tlg u put it on bck, kalo tercabut' and he walked away.
but dun wori, aku ckp dgn elok - for dats how mak abh aku ajar dari aku kecil.
aku cant help from lookin at abh. being anak sulong, left home at early age - aku sdey since aku hardly knw abh well. aku hardly talk to him. aku hardly had a proper dad-son kinda conversation wit abh.
aku tak salahkan abh. he's jst like dat. being a one cnventional kinda dad - we scared of him, more than anythg else. and most of the time - mak is the one we ended up wit.
but me - as his son, aku regret bein me. aku shldve knw better. aku shldve find ways to win him. aku shldve do anythg at all, so aku will win him.
abh never tell us dat he loves us well. for he's jst like dat. but we knw he did. he loves us all. for he had all the actions telling us so. abh never tell us if he ever proud to hav us as anak-anak dia.. but we knw he is proud of us well.
rite now, i am still wishing for so many thgs. i wish he wld be talking to rite now - jst like he did coupla wks bck. i wish i cld still listen to his rambling - same old thang, again and again. and i wish i cld be way better than jst dis, so he wldnt hav to go shyte like dis God sake.
i cant sleep. lookin at abh, aku realized dat i hav him in me - wit or wit out aku sdr. gigi abh, hidung abh, telinga abh - i hav em all. his meticulously in like everythg, his grumpiness - i hav em all, as well.
above all - he is the only one dat i hav. aku proud to hav him as my dad. aku proud to hav him nurturing me - for dat makes me wat and who i am rite now.
theres nthg keep me at peace, rather than lookin at his face rite now.