Wednesday, June 6, 2012

nyte, abah!














done wit Sg Buloh, aku and fmly terus ke Serdang - dah janji dgn ustaz semlm, nak bwk abah berubat ari ni. sampai Masjid UPM - we decided nak Zohor dulu. abah awal2 lagik mintak aku jadik imam - since 'abah celaru, takut silap' kinda thang. he looks so sad the whole day, today. and aku jst do wat i shld do - imamkan abah solat Zohor. abes solat - aku mintak abah doakan solat kami. dia w/o any hesitation - angkat tangan dan berdoa, as well as he did all dis while before. waktu kecik2 dulu - aku used to  mengeluh a lot bila solat dgn abah, and abah akan doa pjg. but dis time around - aku jst looked at him, and aku really do enjoy every bit dat coming out from his mouth - fluently, as if abah tak sakit apa2.


lepak2 jap lps Zohor. once in a while - abah paling tgk aku yg lepak belakang dia, smiling. bila aku tnya - he told me 'abah rasa abah dah byk kali dtg sini..', and i am glad he remembered. aku grad UPM, kak yang pun. dah byk kali kami singgah UPM, masjid UPM solat berehat etc. and soon after dat - he looked and me and asked if dia dah solat Zohor or not.. again and again. and again - he kept on telling me the same thang - how was it to be anak sulung, dia mintak aku tgk2 adik2 - bimbing dorg jadi insan berguna, tegur diorang bila perlu - its ok kalo diorang benci aku for aku jalankan tggjwb aku, as long as Allah syg aku. aku cld see tears in his eyes - i knw he felt it dat way, for dats wat happened to him. adik2 abah - pakcik makcik aku sebelah abah yg kemaruk harta tuduh abah mcm2, pulau kami sekeluarga - we went thru em all. tp aku tau niat abah. aku kenal abah aku. dia tak amek satu sen pun harta pusaka tok aku. until now - not even sorang pun adik2 abah really care, tanya khabar et al - and aku hate em all, God sake.


biar la. aku ada keluarga aku sendiri - adik2 aku, mak. and abah. aku will make sure wat ever happens to abah - wont be happen to me, to us lima adik beradik. abah kept on pesan kat aku to jaga mak, to take care of mak bila he is not around anymore. and jaga Soleh jugak, adik bongsu aku. 


driving all the way from Tapah - Iph, aku cant help thinkin each words he said to me, each of every thg he told me. i cld feel theres tears in my eyes, but i gez i am dats the way it is. sekali sekala aku sedar - abah dok renung aku time driving, and aku jst let it be. aku cant stare into his eyes anymore. dat looks, dat empty looks.. its killing me.









abah dah tdo. and so do mak. they put up a nite ere, since esok abg ngah, kak ngah and Soleh balik Bagan Serai. aku rasa sunyi tonite. so sunyi aku feel as if theres a hole in me. theres so many thgs aku nak bgtau mak - regarding wat the doc said, regarding wat abah told me all day - but i dun knw if i shld. i dun knw if dat wld help pun. mak tak tnya aku pun apa doc ckp, as if dia redha dgn ketentuan Allah Taala, jst like dat. aku wish to hav her strength. aku wish to hav her ability to berlapang dada, as it is. aku tau - semua ni ketentuan Allah Taala. ujian Allah. 


Allah tak akan turunkan ujian dan tinggalkan hambaNya jst like dat.


aku feel so tired. aku mentally exhausted. i jst need a crash.








gnyte.








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