lately i feel kinda serba tak kena. i am dealing wit dis sense of insecurity in me. i am not like dis before. i am a man wit confidence in thgs dat i do, in wat ever i say, my action and such. esp at work. and in life. generally. but lately - i am dealing wit the bulshyte side of it. all dis while i dun realize i am havin such problem. i mean - perhaps i knw, but i dun giv it a shyte for i was thinkin - in no time at all - i'll be better at it, and i'll shove away all dis non-sense aside. or maybe - away. so, i keep it aside, and i dun deal wit it well.
until lately - it started to bother me a lot. i hav doubt in me. about myself. my potential and such. i feel like i am not good enuff. i feel like i am not doin good enuff. i started to think ppl around me - r way better than me. even at a slightest advance, they'll bother me. for i knw i shldve be better, for i knw i can be better. tho i knw - i dun hav to worry shyte, for i am wat i am - and nbdy shld be a threat to me.
and i started to questions few thgs, as well. ppl who claimed themselves as good frens, or perhaps - so-called good frens. i dun knw. semua serba tak kena. i gez ppl will be around u when ur good, when ur at the top of the world. when ur in deep shyte - they wont. they'll be around u to get wat they want in their life, and when they do - wats the point of stayin? when others can giv em even more? and they moved, leavin u in wonder. the worst part after dat - they make a fool, and fun of u wit others.
perhaps i am wrong. perhaps i am bein kinda paranoid a bit. or perhaps - i am havin a lot of shyte in my head i cant think str8. but then again - ppl around me somehow r not helping as well. i mean - not all, ofcoz. they love to play issues on my insecurity, and make me feel like shyte. they knw my weakness and they play wit it. and i - bein myself.. i wish i cld show em i aint such easy shyte to stumble jst like dat. i wish i am stronger. way stronger. i knw i shldnt be clinging on others when it comes to all dis. but then again - wat the hell frens r for then eh?
but one thg for sure - i am learning. dammit - i am learning. and i am picking up thgs, sorting em out - and i'll be good in no time at all. they say - if ur good, if ur strong - u face it. u deal wit it. but if u think its not worth dealing wit, and if ur dealin wit sucha crap u mght wasting ur time and energy - leave it. walk on. and dun look back. letting go wldnt be dat bad. i doesnt mean ur such a loser anyway.
called kak ngah tadik. i din get the chance to call her and asked about abah semlm. been wanting to do it, all day. and i jst did. and to my surprise - abah jatuh bilik air mlm semlm. and i din call. i dun knw. kak ngah ckp she wanted to call, but it was a bit late then. aku terdiam sekejap. tho kak ngah ckp abah ok, tak de apa2.. aku cant help to be so worry.
talked to abah for a while. he sound kinda weak a bit. but he did ask me how am i doin, dah mkn ke belum, hows work and such. and he kept on asking me if i tell him the truth - for he 'abah rasa along tak sihat ni.. cuba bgtau abah betul2' kinda thang. i was weeping to dat, quietly. he never been dat way, all these yrs. but he did now. and how i wish.. he told me to get a proper rest, and took medication as it is. i told him the same, and he went 'along tak pyh risau, abah dah mcm ni.. hidup pun tak lama'. and i hate dat.
i put down the phone, and walked to the shower. i feel like driving up there to see him. at time like dis - i jst feel like i wanna be around someone who can jst pat me on the shoulder and tell me thgs r gonna be jst fine. they need not to be judgemental, they need not to be so precisely analysing the whole shyte. i jst need some re-assurance. dats all.
how i wish abah still sihat. and i can talk to him regarding all dis. life et al. how i wish he did teach me a thang or two about life. about thgs in life - so i'd be way better than i am now. i jst missed my old abah - yg suka leter kan aku, telling thgs yg aku dah bertahun2 dgr, again and again. i miss all dat.
i am tired. gnyte.