Thursday, June 7, 2012

headache.







still havin the throbbing headache. i wish i knw how to classify they type of headache dat i am havin now. dr pagi tadik lagik., amek Paracematol - lega la kejap. lunch time tadik - i found myself at home by 12pm lagik, and had a nap. woke up by 1.30pm - mandi, solat aku terus off to work. there r a lot of thgs to be done, and aku hav no other choice to choose - other than sit and finish em all up.


mak, abah, kak ngah, abg ngah and Soleh dah balik rumah ngah kat Bagan Serai. mak called, thanking me and such. she cried - telling me w/o me around - she din knw where she'd be. sayu aku rasa. berair mata, Tuhan je tahu. aku told her - its not me alone. its adik2 aku. its ppl around me. me myself - i dun knw where wld i be, how wld i be w/o adik2 aku, w/o mak aku sendiri. 


i am not strong. i knw how it is for me. tho s'times i mght look like i am ok, tho most of the time aku tell everybdy around me - dat i am ok - only Tuhan je tahu how it is, for me inside. only God knws all those countless nite, when i cant closed my eyes and sleep - i break down and cry - for thgs i am facing and such. and i'll fall asleep on it. and i wake up looking as if i am brave enuff to face the world, and i am ok - for all occasion. 


i am still thinking of abah. how i wish aku at angah's now - be around him, take care of him - as much as he was around me - all dis while. there r so many thgs i need to do, so many thgs i wanna do for him - but i dun knw if i cld. if i ever hav time left for it. every time aku solat, aku tak pernah tinggal berdoa for him, for mak as well. but still - aku rasa tak cukup. aku jst dun knw how to deal wit dis feeling.


leaving the ofc real soon. aku dun feel like doin anythg at all, except hit home - and keep thgs to myself. i jst need some time - to sort all thgs out, and be a lil bit rational. 


if all dis time, i keep asking myself wat life is.. i gez now, i hav no time to think about it anymore. i jst need to live it well. 


aku jst need to live it to the max, while abah is still around. while its not too late.










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