5am aku dah bagun. the fact is - aku tersedar awal lagi.. cuma aku liat nak bgun. 5.30am - aku dah in the shower. nak mandi, nak Subuh. aku nak balik kampung ari ni - semlm lagi aku dah think so. rindu sgt kat abah - ati aku tak tenteram. siap je Subuh - aku turun bawah, make myself a big mug of Nescafe, took all the medication, panaskan kete and off aku hit the high-way. alhamdulillah - it was 6.30am by the time aku on the high-way, and aku need to be rite infornt of pagar rumah mak, by 8am.
and perut aku berkeroncong lapar, since semlm aku dinner awal.
not many cars on the road anyway. and gez wat? alhamdulillah, by 7.50am - aku dah smpai rumah mak kat Kubu Gajah. siap tapau nasik lemak Kedai Ain kat pekan lagi. dr Ipoh lagik aku dok berkira2 nak singgah tapau - nasik lemak Ain is one of the kind. sedap tatau nak cerita mcmana. smpai rumah - mak ckp mak grg bihun. pulak. serba salah. to make thgs simple - aku bedal dua2. baru hilang 2kgs, aku harap by trow aku tak end in another like 3kgs dammit.
selesai breakfast - terus ke Karangan, Kedah. its a small remote town dkt dgn Lunas or somethg. tak pernah plak aku smpai. or maybe - abah pernah bawak aku kecik2 dulu, and aku tak pernah smpai2 dah after dat. since tak ramai org, kejap je dah selesai proses berubat abah. dis time around abah tak tnya y and such bwk dia berubat etc. he looks tired, a bit pucat. he talks the same thg - again and again. tp its ok - abah still selera mkn and gerak dgn usaha sendiri.
cuma one thg yg aku concern - ustaz suruh berenti sekejap medication abah. its impossible for me. aku nak ckp kat mak - in fact i did - tp mak ckp 'kita berubat kena yakin, tak lama.. sehari dua je'. bukan nak be sceptical. bukan aku tak percaya. tp.. payah la. abah on anti-epileptic. on steroid to control the growth in his brain. u can imagine if u stop the med. tp ustaz ckp to stop it for a while - of else, its not gonna work. mak - u dun hav to gez, aku tau she'll comply to ustaz's words. coupla days. a few days. for a while. anythg can happen. and aku cant take any risk.
i told mak so, and jst smiled away and asked me to hav some faith.
its a Father's Day, today. aku used to call abah up - every year, wishing him so. abah wld giggled away a bit, asking me 'hari ni je ari abah.. awat tak ari2?' kinda thang. every year. and aku'd jst laughed away. aku'd tell abah dat aku sayang him, and wishing him havin good years to come - sihat tubuh badan insyaAllah. and abah wld stay silent, ended up wit his typical 'terima kasih'. aku tau - abah tak tau how to react to it. he is not kinda guy yg tau how to express how he feels and such. aku tau. he is jst like dat. its ok. dat is wat makes him special to me.
but dis year - is totally different. aku din call him, for aku balik rumah to see him personally. and abah is no more like years before. completely different. sampai rumah tadi, aku salam abah - aku cium tangan abah, cium pipi abah - and aku wished him Selamat Hari Bapa to him. yet to no proper response. abah looked so blank. confused. he even asked me 'ari ni ka?' kinda thang. aku jst smiled looking at him, and nodded my head away. his face looks so empty. aku peluk abah, gosok2 belakang abah. he jst put his right hand behind my shoulder - and tell me 'along tak payah la sedih2, abah ok' again and again.
and aku in tears.
abah - along mght not knw how it feels for u. how it feels to be u. along tau abah went thru so many thgs in life, and along wish along wld understand. along wish along cld be in urself, and knw how it feels to be u now. wats in ur head, wat ur thinkin and such. God knws how along wish along cld be more than jst dis.
abah, mcm selalu2 - along doakan abah sihat tubuh badan, fizikal mental. moga Allah panjangkan umur abah, agar abah dpt terus beramal ibadat - kekal dalam keimanan dan ketaqwaan. moga abah sihat dan pjg umur - so dat along dan anak2 dpt berbuat amal dan membalas jasa mak abah, jst mcmana abah bersusah pyh membesarkan kami adik beradik. abah perlu sembuh. kami perlu kan abah, still. pls.
perhaps - jst like abah - along face the same thg. difficult in putting thgs, into words. my feeling and such. but i knw - and theres one thg u need to knw, abah - along sayang abah. so much, i dun hav the words for it..
Happy Father's Day, abah.
abah and mak,
Eid'ul Fitr tahun lepas..