at angah's. lama rasa tak dtg and jenguk abah. mak nampak penat. kak ngah and fmly, alhamdulillah. tadi lama aku sembang dgn mak. mak ventilated her sadness and such regarding abah - for the first time mak ckp yg abah a bit regress, mood tak menentu, temper tantrum and changed a lot.
and for the first time - mak no more in denial.
it tears me apart seeing mak menangis. and God knws how aku try so hard not to react to her wrongly, and not to cry at all. and God knws how it hurts me to put up dat flat face, while deep in u - ur torn into pieces. mak nampak penat sgt - drained emotionally, and physically. abah payah nak tdo malam, and thus mak pun ikut tak tdo.
ubat abah dah nak abes. aku hav to drive up to Hosp Sg Buloh trow morn. Dr Suresh bgtau aku he needs to tapper down Dexa nye dose, and stop it eventually. tp bg aku - despite the side effect - abah nampak ok sket taking it, rather not at all. aku ingat the 2 days mak tak bg abah ubat hosp. - abah went flat and fatigue the whole day. aku risau. buntu. mak refused chemo. aku pun tak keen - abah not in pain, dia still mobile, selera baik, and he's old. aku tak bley byg putting him under chemo yg excruciatingly cause u pain, the side effects. yet the succession percentage tak tau..
aku buntu. adk2 harap kan aku. mak tak bley ngadu kat cik, for cik akan salahkan mak balik - as if mak tak do good enuf. and its me. its on me.
balik Ipoh soon. aku feel so numb. aku feel like aku need to talk to someone, tp cldnt find anyone free. i gez everybdy wit everybdy's biz.
need a shower. and Maghrib.
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