Monday, May 21, 2012

pdg rengas. gng semanggol. abah.

done wit clinical teaching by noon. aku terus head for angah's house in Bagan Serai. cant wait to see abah actually. since he was discharged last Friday, i yet get the chance to see him pun. sampai rumah - mak dok sembang dgn angah kat dapur - while all the minimonsters r away kat skol. aku masuk tgk abah - he was sleeping. by the time aku nak left the room - he called me, asking 'izam hang pi mana tak balik? hang pi mana?', wit dat garang looks. i knw he dun knw wat he's talking, so i jst explained him btol2, and left him for a while.

lepas salam mak et al, aku masuk balik bilik - he looks at me, and mintak maaf since 'abah kadang2 ckp tak betul, abah mintak maaf' sort of thgs. aku tersentak sekejap.. basically, dis is my dad for real. i am ok wit watever he is - for the condition he is in, now. the last time i remember seein his MRI - the growth r alrdy invading his right part of interventricular of the brain, and a bit on his occipital part of the brain - i gez dats explain y he's havin pretty bad vision himself. i cant walk tall - he told me he's seein the floor 'tinggi rendah' and dia rasa sgt gayat.

abah looks so tired. i swear to God he's losing weight, w'pun selera mkn dia ok je. his orientation to time, place is poor - he hardly tell wats the time and where he at pun. tadi he kept on asking me 'Subuh dah masuk ke' and 'abah dan sembahyang Subuh ke belum', tho jam dah pukul 4pm. and he kept asking me to remind him 'nanti peringat abah waktu solat, kalo abah lupa' - so tadi aku helped him out amek wuduk dan let him solat Asar, as it is. one thg about abah yg dia tak lupa - ayat2 Al Quran, doa, wirid sentiasa lekat di mulut dia.. and abah still mampu solat berdiri, lengkap dgn doa dan wirid - darn aku berair mata, listening to his wirid.. its been ages since aku last heard abah berwirid mcm tu.

mak looks tired too. mak menangis telling me thgs - abah w'pun sakit, tp still dgn sikap dia mcm muda2 - laser, keras ati. and it looks like aku kena deal wit both of em - mak, and abah. aku tau how mak feels - abah is no longer abah yg she knew, the hopeless, helpless, shes scared, worried. the hope. the faith. all thgs in her head. i knw. she dun hav to tell a thang. for i knw. and aku thank God, at least ngah is around. and it makes me feel sgt lega - for i knw mak and abah - they r in a good hand. 

drove back to Ipoh by 5.30pm.. empty-headed. some ppl told me to be prepared wit thgs, eventually it'll happens. i knw it is. no doubt. but its not me to jst giv in - jst like dat. but then again - how i wish i cld knw wats the hope like. wat kinda hope i am clinging on to. wat kinda hope - we r all clinging on to. i hate myself for keep on tellin my ownself - not to hav a high hope on it. but i cant help myself. i jst want abah - jst like before. 

call me denial. or tell me somethg good.


feels like feverish. perit tekak. dah amek ubat - think i shld crash.


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