Friday, May 18, 2012


i had a dream of abah jst now. it wakes me up all the sudden, and i am not sure y. all i knw - i had tears running my cheeks. and i wet my pillow. i wake up and i sit at the edge of the bed - in the dark, thinkin. i am tryin so hard to recall wat its all about - but i cant remember a bit, at all. all i knw - i am havin thgs about abah in my head - and around me - it is so strong, and its haunting me.

i walked out the room, sat by the stairs. i had the phone in my hand - and i feel like talkin to someone. but its 3.15am in the morn. its impossible. i remember years back - i had the same thang happened, jst like dis. i had a dream about abah, i cant remember a single thg - i woke up and i called him rite away. all i got was like, 'apa hang merapu pagi2 ni along.. dah, pi tido!' kinda thg. i put down the phone, wit smile on my face. i knw its kinda harsh, but dats the way abah is. he is not good in showing his feelin to us. to any of us. and i remember years back, too - i suddenly had dis smell of his minyak attar.. it was like all in the air, in my whole room. its kinda scary - its like abah was there, around me. when i knw he was thousand miles away from me. i am not sure if i am hallucinating.  i jumped out the bed, i made a call and managed to talk to mak. mak then told me dat abah had a wide smile, ear to ear - goin around wit statement like, 'ingat jugak izam kat abg' - thgs like dat.

i had the phone in my hand - i wanna call him rite away. but i knw he's not gonna pick up the phone anymore. he din do dat nowadays - mak did. i long to talk to him, telling him dat i had a dream of him. dat i suddenly think of him - so much dat it brings tears to my eyes. i wanna call mak - but i knw she's alrdy asleep. i wanna call someone, but i jst dun knw who.

i ended up putting the phone down, and walk into the shower.

i regret for so many thgs i yet to get the chance telling him. even if i tell him thgs now, i am not sure if he understands me. if he knws wat i am sayin. mak called me semlm, telling dat abah asked her 'mana izam?', where as for the past of 3 to 4 days - i was there around him, sleepin beside him. nursing him.  mak told me dat she told abah so, and he went like 'tu la.. abg rasa pun mcm tu.. izam ada, tp abg tak ingat..'. and i silently weeping away.

i am counting days. i dun wanna do dat. but - eventually, i keep lookin at the the dates and such. doc told me 3 to 4 mths - the shunt will eventually blocked, and theres nthg much u can do. and the growth - they keep on spreading, and nothg much they can do about it. but i dun want to believe dat. who want to anyway, God sake? i told mak about it - but i din get the chance to finish it off - mak told me to shut up, and 'ingat Allah, berlapang dada dgn ujian Allah'. and i keep it to myself.  i told myself not to giv up easily. adik-adik and me, we will go all out - tryin wat ever it is, to keep abah sihat mcm dulu. for i need him around. for all of us need him around.

i never go thru dis kinda shyte before. and its killin me, really.

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