Tuesday, January 31, 2012

31st Jan., 6.00am.

woke up as early as 4.30am dis morn. aku crashed early semlm - Isya' belum, baju tak iron - so pagi ni, awal2 aku dha mandi, solat et al, and iron baju. its so calm in ere, wit nothg at all. once in a while aku dgr the hamster 2 ekor kat bwh tu dok godek2 berlari dlm kandang dorg.. other than dat - the nothgness. basically - aku rasa sort of malas nak masuk keje pun ari ni.. since schedule aku today - i gotta be on the road for clinical visiting. erm, tadak mood la nakk drive sorg2, jauh2 lak tu.. haish. and nak pi ofis pun aku rasa liat - but then, smlm before masuk tdo, Shah aku nyer Presiden kumpulan awal2 bgtau yg aku 'kena masuk kelas sekejap, since ada diskusi sket'.. watever dat is. 

aku harap dorg tak kan tepung kan aku, like few years back..

jst on aku nyer hp.. dah masuk dah all the sms-es from the stdnts et al, wishing me a happy birthday or sekawasan dgn nya. WhatsApp, notifikasi on the FB and Twitter. i got few missed-calls too - basically aku not sure sapa yg called. called at midnite - u knw aku mmg tak on hp time2 tido mcm tu pun.. 

i hope thgs will get better for me today. 

u hav a blast too, for today - is my Big Day. sorry la, tak mampooo nak bagi cuti umum ari neh!

Monday, January 30, 2012

happy birdie!

started my day early today - for i had 2hrs of lecture on Personality for the juniors. i had wit em all pre-class discussion on the subject, and had em go back and do some extensive reading - so today, the class was kinda lite and easy - more likely mcm discussion on coupla issues i threw em, and make em crack head over it well. 2hrs ended up well - except for the hall was so bloody hot - somethg went wrong wit the aircond system; at least dats wat i've been told.

and the rest of the day, went down the drain. usual stuff. i kinda expected thgs well. tho i believe i am more stronger than before - sometimes, thgs went outta hand and kept u wondering; when will thgs back to the way it was before. i knw i cant turn back time. i knw thgs wont be the same anymore - i got my head framed well on dis; but -  i am jst a plain shait, flesh and bone. no matter how strong i am - deep in me, i knw - i am so vulnerable.

i wish i cld let thgs out. i wish i cld talk to someone. i knw i cld. but i jst dun knw how. i wish i wld be havin sort of miracle around me - perhaps, at least - for trow; so i'd be happy and smiling from one ear to another - tho i knw, i dun believe in such miracle - or any miracle, at all.

funny enuff - i am wishin for one, now.


its my big-day tomorrow. my birthday. or perhaps - my bird-day as i named it. i am ok wit the numbers adding in. wiser or not, its subjective. pre-birthday depression? nah, i am not having any pun. its jst merely a plain shait, and shait happens, sometimes.

nthg special for trow. i had my beautiful special day last Wed., Jan 25th - and i think dats it la kot. and somehow - i cant stop thinkin dat dis time around, my 31st Jan is kinda different from the rest. in a way. in some way i cant describe.


dinning out at Secret Recipe, Gunung Rapat jst now. sort of pre-bird day treat. had some of my fav stuff, had em all down, and balik. i feel mentally, physically exhausted. i jst wanna crash down and end up the day, jst the way it shld be. and dtas wat i am gonna do, soon.

owh, btw - i knw its like 1.5hrs to go - but its ok la kot; HAPPY BIRD DAY Shahe! aku doakan moga thgs will go smooth insyaAllah. moga apa yg aku hajatkan, akan tercapai dis year around. moga aku sihat tubuh badan, mental fizikal - mampu beribadat dgn sebaiknya, jadi anak yg soleh, hamba Mu yg beriman, dan bertaqwa. moga aku akan menjadi contoh yg baik bagi adik2 aku, kaum keluarga aku, stdnts2 aku et al. moga aku akan sentiasa berada di jalan yg benar, dan mampu memimpin mereka yg sepatutnya - turut ke jalan yg benar, insyaAllah. ameen ya rabbal 'alamin.



changes. choices.

life is about changes. and choices. u choose ur path, and u gotta change accordingly. there r always choices to choose - and it dpnds on wat u want in life.

in ur life, dat is.

and i am handling one now. stimes thgs r easy said. u knw wat i mean.


posted from Bloggeroid

Sunday, January 29, 2012

ur tuff-er than u think

lets face it, to live in dis world u hav to be strong. sooner or later, somethg will hit u - pain, sickness, accident, failure - and when it come it will rock u, unless u hav developed some good inner toughness - 'tough-mindedness', as i wld like to call it.

it cld be dat the world was made as it is, full of problems and difficulty, to bring out dis tuff quality in human beings. bcoz ur - tougher than u think. all the strength u'll ever need to handle anythg is w/in u now. it was put there by Allah SWT; who knew very well wat u wld be up in dis life - and made u equal to it.

if life seems to be goin a lil extra hard for u - ask urself honestly jst where the trouble is. the tendency to blame other ppl, or forces beyond ur control. but the truth is - dat ur problem is not beyond ur control; darn the solution is w/in u. i remember read somewhere on Gautama Buddha declaring thgs on dis dat 'the mind is everythg, wat u think, u become'. or somethg like dat. if ur weak and defeated, the reason may well be dat u hav allowed failure to dominate ur tots, creating a deep sunconscious belief day u dun hav the ability to succeed.

the solution? i believe in reversal of the mental image of urself. dis will not be easy; -ve mental habits have channelled deep grooves in ur consciousness and ur mind will protest a +ve re-orientation. but u must realize dat ur mind has actually been lying to u about yr real abilities, deliberately - causing u to fail. so u must stand up to ur mind, dominate it well. dun let it control u. u can always - wit Allah's help - control it.

man is wat he thinks. not wat he says, reads or hears. by persistent thinkin u can undo any condition which exists. u can be free if any chains - be it poverty, sin, ill health, unhappiness or fear. or anythg at all. 

we can indeed, be a tough-minded optimist.


for me, to think.

happy Sunday!

i knw its early in the morn., and its furthermore - its Sunday. who wakes up at early, in dis time, on Sunday? i am overflown wit ideas but when i start to put thgs into words - my mind went blank. how am i goin to cont wat i've started, when i does not wanna work happily, for me?

by 5am, i was alrdy in the bathroom , takin a hot shower and ready for Subuh. i am not feeling dat good, i am losing sleeps lately. i off to my lil 'sanctuary' aka my study room, sit down and look around. i browsed the bookshelves and pick a book - darn i've read em all. i feel so damn lonely - theres a hole in me, i dun knw how to explain.

think i gotta leave the house for a while and go out for some fresh air.

Saturday, January 28, 2012

morning dew.

i love dis.

hav u ever woken up brite and early in the morn., yr legs step on the wet grass as the wetness seeps in thru the sole of yr feet? i bet u did. perhaps u jst dun giv it a shait. morning dew - now dats wat its called. now i knw u all knw wat morning dew is - but hav u ever wondered y it only appears in the morn? well, we only see dew in the morn bcoz for the dew to form - air must be cooled to its condensation point - there must be lil movement to the air. these conditions usually occur overnite when the wind dies down, and the air becomes still. darn dun smile at me - i knw i aint dat smart - Wikipedia came thru wit dat thang, and aint me. but lets jst dtick to the part - where ur impressed by my smartness, shall we? shall we?



death is one of those 'enemies' dat comes and steals somethg sp precious to u. dats where morning dew comes in, i've come to realize life is like dat - life is like a morning dew; jst like morning dew comes in the morn and gone during the day - dats jst how short and precious life is. we never knw when our morning dew will fade away - and dis got me thinkin - as corny as it sounds; dammit - life is short. sometimes we tend to lives as if we r immortal, the all 'lets live for today' for we dun knw wat trow brings kinds life. but wit all the ppl and frens i've lost all dis while - one ths i've come to realize wat it really means to live life to the full. its not about partyin, enjoyin or drinkin to the max like theres no trow. its makin the best of the time we hav now - becoz like morning dew - we never knw when we'll fade away. its about making impact in ur life. abah once told me - if u wanna knw jst how much impact one made in their lives or those around em - dat there'll be a lot of ppl 'melawat kita bila kita meninggal' and not jst dat - u'll be remembered regardless how long u've the world. and i am not talking about some 'org terkenal' who use funerals as their platform to beg for votes or for some silly attention seeking airtime. i am talking about the close fmly, frens and those who mattered the most - to the deceased. 

sometimes i always wonder if i had a flash forward of my life knwing when it will end, wld i do thgs differently. wld i be a better person as it were? but u knw wat? the beauty about life is - its a mistery. we never knw when our morning dew will fade away - and dats y we need to live life w/o regrets, make amends, forgive and forget, and let go - plus try to make everydat, count. 

as i write dis post - i still hav thgs in my mind, and i cant help to feel sad for losing coupla frens i knew well. and knowing the fact - they r no longer around u.

life is short. beautiful ones. jst like morning dew it comes - and fades away.

Friday, January 27, 2012


 a short day, wit a long list of thgs to do. started as early as 3am - aku terjaga at dat time, and cldnt closed my eyes smpai ke Subuh. i knw its gonna be disastrous, since aku ada 4hrs of teaching dis morning. and its true - aku off to work wit the Zombie-ness in me, and i had no mood at all to teach pun, God sake.

but alhamdulillah - by 10am, aku dah ok sket. kinda slow starting today. and aku still sleepy hell yeah.

after Jumaat - ada CME; regarding Transformasi Minda watever not. as usual - aku and few others lecturers duduk belakang2 je, smbil masing2 layan hp. u knw its not a good time to sit and listen to thgs u dun hav heart to listen to pun - and u might as well ended up tersenggok2 since mengantuk giler. time Jumaat tadik pun aku merana giler since mengantuk, and time CME pun aku hentam mengantuk jugak..


theres one thg i need to knw, yet i din get a proper clarification - so aku hav 2 options - to take it as a 'yes' or to leave it as it is (and i knw i wont get rid of it, if it is like dis).

fair enuf.


2 big thgs coming on my way real soon. aku hope aku'd be able to face both of it well. as it is. and wit no regret.


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

pre-bird day thang!

i am a lucky guy, today. i started my day reaching at the office by 7.30am - and i am all out ready for one typical working day - except dis is kinda day i am waiting for; been on leave for few days - i jst wanna be back to the office and start working back as usual.

and suddenly - thgs went out so differently, making me a one lucky guy, alive in dis whole wide planet.

a surprise visit to the office - out of nowhere - i was like, 'wat?'. and i cant stop smiling from one ear to another. and the rest of the day went on differently - i off for a lunch, and i need not to pay a thang pun at Secret Recipe in Kinta City.

and i received 2 different pre-bird day gifts at one time. a customized garnet gem ring, and a bottle of Red Desire Dunhill. i am not good in all dis gemstone et al., but today i am learning somethg new. garnet is an Aquarius or the January birthstone, derived its name from the Latin word 'granatus', which means - a grain.. heh. i din get dat info from the sky - u'd like to read it all at http://minerals.usgs.gov/minerals/pubs/commodity/gemstones/sp14-95/garnet.html and u will learn a lot! as much as i did. hehe.. and the Desire - another personalised thang. the smell is special. it is beyond description. i dun giv it a shait about the price, the brand and such - it is special to me. and dats all dat matters.


at dis kinda age, u knw u'll hardly get all dis kinda thang termed as 'hadiah' and such. but when u do - u really appreciate it so much, altho it was jst a plain simple kinda thang. or even jst a wish pun dah able to make ur world goes around. i still hav 6 days to go. and the excitement is alrdy in - i cld be smiling for the rest of the month, God sake.

for those u may concern - thanks. thank you so much. for ur sweet surprises. for ur time, ur effort. surprisingly u knw i love surprises (of u knw! haha) and dis whole day is beyond anythg, at all. dis cld be nthg for u, but it means a lot to me. a whole lot, God sake. 

and i cld be sleeping, and smiling at the same time..


for the first time - like i cant remember
when was the last time -
i am so happy to be me!!

treat ur loved ones, right!

treat ur loved ones right, ppl. plain and simple. i knw it can be hard to pls em sometimes, but its worth it in the end. remember dat they r ur happiness, ur world. they shld be the first person u talk to in the morning, and the last person ur whisper 'gnite' to. unlike some of ur frens, they r goin to be there for u when ur the happiest, but more importantly - when ur at the lowest. if its a 'her' - she'll cook for u and care for u, so treat her like a queen. gals r delicate creatures. and if its a 'him' - u knw how it is. man can be full of ego, but they r aint dat bad. think before u say. and think before u act. sometimes they take every lil mistake u make and multiply it by a thousand. so try not to mess up, aight!

when ur fightin, sometimes its better to put ur relationship before ur own bloody pride. ur not helping urself to make em upset, bro. and never, ever - under any circumstances - let em go to sleep crying. ur a bag full of shait if u do so. they'll resnt u for it for the rest of ur days. dun forget to make em feel special everyday. simple gestures will mean heaven for em. be spontaneous. full of surprises. learn how to feel wat they feel. the more u show em u love em, the more they'll giv in return. remember dat an 'i love u' via text is never as special as one in person. alrite - if u still wanna do so, go ahead. jst make sure u say it at the right time, and to the right person. 

u knw wat i mean.

but if u havent learn a thang from reading dis - remember dis. love em unconditionally, loyally and keep em close. love em wit everythg u've got - emotionally, mentally and physically.

b'coz i swear - if u dun treat ur loved ones right, someone else definitely will!

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

home, finally.

reached home by 6.30pm plus. downloading thgs, cleared up hamsters' nyer kandang, bagi ikan2 mkn, kemas rumah sket, mandi solat - i was lembik at the end of it. i was totally tired - mentally, physically - it was a hell ride from Tumpat to Ipoh itself - jammed all the way. wit all dis hideous ppl driving like a monster. max 110km/hr, left me like finally 7hrs on the road itself.

tot i'd ended it up nicely, sweetly - but it was not. i gez i've been thinkin too much about others, yet ppl dun giv it a fuck pun. 

tak pe lah.


received a call. i was in shock. i cld sense somethg wrong somewhere starting last Sunday itself - but i never tot thgs wld go worst, dis way. literally - i am worry God sake. i dun really bother the implication on me - but on those ppl i care. 

i hope thgs will get better soon. some ppl is like dat i think - once bitten twice shy. and if we r not - we shall than learn it thru the hard way. and the consequences wldnt be dat good. and some ppl r meant not to hav frens pun - biar mati sorang2. senang. 


i am done wit #30thingsaboutme on the Twitter - somethg yg aku did it for fun. nbdy asked me to do pun - i jst did it for fun. for at least - i knw myself better - the weakness, the strength et al. i had numerous feedbacks - thru FB, thru my Twitter as well, which is kinda cool.

and the haters - tak pe la. i am not a malaikat pun. haha


gonna work trow as usual. and gonna hit my sack now. i am still angry. geram. theres hatred in me. but i knw it wldnt be good to settle down wit dat kinda feelin in me. 

and owh, thanks anyway!


Friday, January 20, 2012


its a long day, today. i mean - a long week, instead. so many thgs happened, and so many thgs in one time - make me feel like freaking out a lil bit. i was freaking out a lil bit, yeah - jst now. but when i think it back again - i shall keep my mouth shut and get wit the bloody flow.

frankly speaking i was kinda frustrated wit thgs around me in the office lately. so many thgs, really. perhaps a coupla small petty thgs, yet left unsettled - and it grows sort of bigger than u ever tot. aku started to question big boss nyer judgement and such - which is i knw it is not good, at all. i knw if i go and see him face to face - i aint gonna go no where - for he's the friggin boss and i am not. for all thgs dat coming out of his bloody mouth is correct - and nothg else dat matters. 

i remember someone told me - a good senior, few yrs back - dat if in an organization, u gotta love it and u gotta agree wit it. for if ur not - perhaps ur not meant to be in dat bloody organization pun.

came back home - tot of clearing my head off - only found dat thgs r gonna get worst. i feel like running out of here, but i got no where to go..


a long day for me, trow. i shall be leaving town rite till Tues. and its gonna start as early as 3am, trow morn.

gnite fellas. hav a good sleep, a nice dreams. 


back to the office. another like 2hrs to go and i shall leave the building. it is so hot out there - by the time aku walked out from the masjid masuk kereta - rasa mcm berasap kepala aku neh. perhaps - dis is the bahana tadak rambut - panas matahari is like smpai ke pangkal otak gtew. berpeluh aku jap. tp now aku ok - dah duduk dlm ofis yg freezing neh. best rasa nya, no perkataan for it.

Jumaat as usual. khutbah ttg kecintaan kepada Allah Taala et al. aku mengantok giler, Tuhan je yg tau. rasa mcm nampak je these setan2 bergayut2 kat bulu mata aku - ala2 Tarzan or Tarzanita. or perhaps dorg dok main buai2 Bawang Putih Bawang Merah mcm tu. serious ngantok. its like - aku tatau mcmana dah nak lawan the ngantuk-ness, rasa nak tumbang and golek je atas kapet yg so tempting tu.

tp tak la smpai berdengkor mcm pakcik dpn aku. haish!

ari last posting budak2, sebelum balik berhari raya katanya. ada a bit of diskusi afterwards - aku pun tatau wats left to disku actually - byk yg dah aku cover semlm pagi. perhaps aku jst throw a question or two, let em disku, and giv some reflection - based of 2 weeks pengalaman posting dorang to the psych wards. and yeah - aku definitely akan lepas em all awal lah. budak2 neh nak balik kg - aku tahan lama2 pun jst becoz nak capai objektif aku watpe.. walhal ati perut masing2 dah kat kampung. i think.

kenyang perut, aku beli kueh rm2 6 ketul. for breakie, lunch and minum ptg. abes aku bedal enam2 ketul. jadik la.. lapik prot. malas aku nak bersidai kat kedai mkn tu sorang2.

gym/jog ptg ni, insyaAllah.

ur there, but ur not.


4 hrs today  on Treatment Approach in Psych; Physical and Psychological. each - 2 hrs. and today, is the last day budak2 ni dlm blok kuliah - since strating trow, masing2 balik beraya (dat is CNY) till mid/end of next week.

and there i am - standing dpn all those stdnts - bg lecture. dry topic, i shld say.

and u can imagine how struggle i am to make thgs interesting, and nice enuff - so they wont sit there mcm Tugu Negara - staring into u, and see thru u some more. its like 'ur there, yet ur not'. physically ur, but ur mind, ur soul and such tadak..  it is tuff, i am telling u. so i hav like givin em a 'small break' every now and then - out of the topic; crack some silly jokes et al, so they'll stay alert. and stay put as it is. after one hr done - aku shoooooooooo-ed em all kuar for a take 10, let em cuci muka cuci segala bagai yg perlu and let em all hav sort of breather, out of the hall. at times like dis - kalo stdnts jst sit there and look into u (or thru u) - u always hav dis 2 thgs in mind; (a) stdnts faham apa yg ko ajar, (b) stdnt tak fhm habuk pun, tp buat2 muka faham. and if ur good enuff, u knw how to bezakan between these two.

by 9.50am, i am done. and i am out of the hall. sampai ofis - Amer dah tadak. Fina i think pi CME. Yus kalot dgn pe ntah aku tatau. Tan pun sama. Apez aku nampak dia kuar dgn Mr Bong tadik (i bet dorg tadak kelas la kot). Ajak kat Sabah. 

and aku tadak saper2 nak ajak minum.. sigh.

so kat pantry, again.


theres so many uncertainty kat ofis ni lately. sometimes aku nyesal for being wat i am now. for doing wat i am indeed. i shldve stay in service je. more secure et al. there r so many changes around - i hav to struggle to adapt adopt thgs well. i had no problem wit dat actually. changes is inevitable. but then again - too many changes in one time, and the changes itself - keep on changing; aku start to feel suffocate. 

ntah la. serabut rasanya.


owh, btw - dun get me wrong. most of the thgs i write in ere - most of the time berdasarkan apa yg aku rasa, berkisarkan dgn apa yg ada dlm kepala aku and such. aku hardly write and pertain it to someone else out there - unless my feelings and such.

call me narcissistic and i am ok. hahaha

Thursday, January 19, 2012

good nite!

kinda long day for me. supposed i was free in the morn., tp a group of stdnts dtg asking for and dat regarding their Psych. Posting - aku hav to bring em all to the Bilik Perbincangan and held sort of disku. by 11am, i was done - hungry, yet i dun hav anyone to ask out for a meal. aku finally ended up kat Pantry dgn Fina and Yus - Fina bancuh a teko of tea wangi - its been a while since aku tka layan tea o wangi panas2 - plus beskot kepala lutot Yus bwk dr rumah. dat was for my breakie. and my lunch.

class at 2 to 4.30pm - on Physical Exam/Mental State Examination (Psych.) for the seniors. tekak aku makin perit. and batuk is getting worst.

aku skipped gym/jog today. the bodyach is still there, tak pe la - aku tak a break today. reached home by 5.30pm; aku terlelap jap kat sofa.. sedar2 in baju keje still. rasa mls, sgt2 mls - to do anythg at all. and still aku ada program surau, mlm ni.

alhamdulillah - i made it to the surau. ada kuliah agama by one of dis fav ustaz of mine. it was nice too - to see all the stdnts r there. lately ni mmg aku tak sempat sgt ke surau kariah aku.. aku tau - theres no such 'tak sempat'. semua org ada 24hrs in life, everyday - its all about how u manage ur time, sebenarnya. tp - ntah la. aku aku amek inisiatif - at least Khamis mlm Jumaat aku akan ke surau kolej, ada kuliah and perhaps - aku cld provide some sort of good role model too, to the students.i knw i am no good, as well - but i am learning and trying to be one. after Isya', aku kumpul budak2 aku.. amek kehadiran, and off aku blah tinggalkan surau heading home.

and it was raining.

tekak aku perit - i had dis tot of buying air asam jawa kat 7E. masuk first 7E, abes. stok tak smpai lagik. aku singgah yg dkt rumah, dis 7E tadak air asam jawa. baru je abes. tadak dah yg tinggal. and aku balha balik rumah. so aku beli extrak asam jawa Adabi, wit the tot of havin the drink while putting my legs crossed infornt of the idiot box.

sampai rumah - tgk gula dah abes. and had none in stock. aku geram.

aku simpan asam jawa dlm fridge, aku mandi and tukar boxer. iron baju. and dat was the whole day of mine. theres so many thgs basically running around in my head - a lot of 'mungkin' as well, God sake. yet i am tryin to be as positive as i can. perhaps - its jst my imagination.

MuMuLand time. good nite, ppl.

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


so, the 3101 is comin around the corner, again - and wit it, of course - my annual pre-bird-day 'depression' too. since dis year i dun hav the requirements (space, money, time et al) for applying the 'number one way of fighting a pre-bird-day depression', i am so glad dat i find another way to feel better about myself right now - right before coupla weeks, before my bloody b'day.

 in the past coupla days, i've been sleepy, restless, sluggish, kinda sick, i've been overeating, doin nthg much dat i can proud of, being mean, angry, bithcy, touchy etc etc (if ur on my FB - i bet u realised dat.. maybe) - the usual stuff. and today - Ajak, Amer, Fazli ofis tu were being kinda super-cool towards me, asking me to join em do some lepak-ing at mamak. i knw - the usual thang, again. but to be there, wit ur own bets frens - dat wld make the whole shait, kinda different. so - idiot me - i was like really excited (dun ask me y, its not like i never be there at mamak, at nite pun). but as u can guess - they turned me down in the very last minute - while i was alrdy waiting for their signal. Ajak - the usual stuff - anak tak sihat, Amer - his wife ajak mkn luar. Fazli - he's the typical Kelly Ng, cakap u never shld trust in one. shait.

so i went to mamak on my own - alone. roti chanai garing wit kari ikan banjir, tea o ais limau, get em done and balik rumah dgn rasa berbulu.

for some ppl dis may be nthg special or unusual, but for me - it was like exactly wat i needed - esp at time like dis. darn i need a break wit thgs around me. i never go to mamak on my own - i mean, i did. but most of them, aku tak duduk and makan there - tapau wld do fine. and i dun like eating on my own, etc. but today - i was just thinkin 'fuck u other ppl, fuck u feelin bad at dis time around'. the attitude made me feel better about myself, God sake. 

so aku pi mamak, makan and gez wat? someone paid the meal, for me. went to mamak kat kaunter to pay - only to find dat he told me 'sudah byr'. when i asked saper and such - the mamak told me 'tatau' and keep telling me 'jgn panggil saya mamak - saya Bangla'. heh! and i was thinkin - wow. spontaneity pays off sometimes. hell yeah, it does.

conclusion - note to self for the future; as assumed - spontaneity pays off sometimes. so if i feel like doin or feelin somethg - i'll jst do it. i knw bunyi mcm iklan Nike je.. but coming to the conclusion dat was jst felt so good.


was wit the stdnts ptg tadik, since kelas aku 2 - 5pm. by 4pm, aku dah siap cover most of the topic - and the rest of em, aku suruh budak2 ni buat self-directed learning. nak blah tinggal kan kelas - awal sgt rasa. so - aku lepak2 jap wit the whole 96 stdnts of mine, asking dis and dat while aku selit2 sket some motivation for em all.

and the whole thang started when one of the gal asked, 'sir, dis time around - for ur bday - sir nak apa?'. and i was having dis wide smilin on my face, asking her back like 'ru sure ur askin me dat?', and 'do really wanna knw?' kinda thang.

and they said, 'yes'.

and gez wat - aku list thgs out in a good way - wit proper rationalizing. gps - for i am bad in arah tuju kinda thang. sesat? dats my middle name. lens kamera - aku love doin macro. and i love portrait too. but my standard kit does not allow to do much pun. Galaxy Note - i knw aku dah ada dis Galaxy S Plus - but seeing a fren of mine using it, really put me in a state of  'koyak ati'  like most of the time. damn u Mail. 

and i stopped. it was a funny thang, i am telling u - seeing muka budak2 neh sorang2. they were like seeing me - terkelip2 mata, so tak-percaya-able. and i was there telling, reasoning each thgs, very well. 

a boy then broke the silent - 'alarr sir.. jgn la. kitorang stdnt je!'. and i laughed.

well i knw wat i am getting at the end of it, and i was jst pulling their legs, darn very well.


alrdy in the office - i consider it to be kinda late la kot, since around 7.20am lbey baru masuk office - wit the knowing dat i am havin classes at 8am, dis morning - on Child Psychiatry. bukan pe - i was havin my Nescafe session as early as 6.15am; bila suddenly, baju keje aku abes basah tertumpah Nescafe.. and thank God since dah tak panas!

kalo tak, jadi MJ dah aku..

tekak perit still. nak demam, tak jugak. tp mula batuk2. mls nak telan pe2 ubat pun - since aku malas nanti all keje aku terganggu la plak. and aku dah mula naik rimas since bos aku dok la bising2 SKT online aku tak bley 'bukak'. sgt tak fhm - org lain bley, ko je tak bley. walhal - awal2 lagik aku dah anta.. ermm


12 days to go. not dat i am counting for some reasons - but dis time around, i am kinda malas since there will be an addition to the number, and i am leavin dis number behind - like forever!


Monday, January 16, 2012

Moan-day moaning!

home by 8pm last nite - i was all over places. u knw how it feels post-berendam dlm air and such - aku was so darn bloody tired. had my simple dinner, waited for Isya', and off aku hit the MuMuLand. by 4am - aku dah fully awake. hate to jump out of the bed - aku layan my thinkin, staring into the darkness - wit all the nthgness in my head. 5.30am - aku dah found myself in the bathroom.

alrdy in the office. its gonna be a long day, today. dis is the only day for the semester where aku hav like the whole day - wit the stdnts. kalo wit the stndts for hu-ha-hu-ha kinda thang, i wldnt mind, God sake. but aku hav like 8 to 10, 11 to 1pm, 2 to 5pm of classes today - Drug Abuse & Dependence, Symptomatology Etiology Classification of Psychiatric Conditions and Schizophrenia Mood Disorder & Organic Mental Illness. darn i knw its kinda heavy. and darn i am gonna be sayur sawi at the end of the day.

still kinda feverish. think i am lacking of rest - seriously.

u hav a good Monday eh! be back.

Saturday, January 14, 2012

life is..

Life is like ur driving, according to a fren of mine (credit to Remy Yahya);

Life is like the driving moment; from the time we ignite the engine till we
reach the destination - is like us thru the life journey - we'll pass thru stops. Sometimes traffic lights, sometimes move slow, sometimes we drive fast, sometimes we see accidents happen, sometimes we got into accidents, sometimes other
drivers take over us, sometimes we r right on the tail of slow moving vehicles, sometimes we go into wrong directions, but we always can make a u-turn..

Whether fast or slow, moving or halt, keep our eyes on the road signs to keep us safe safe & sound.


So true. Life is like ur drivin on the hi-way, u never knw wats coming. U mght be overwhelmed wit wats infrnt of u, but u never wats really coming, for u.

And theres nthg u can do, abt it.


Darn i wish ur ere. I want u, to be ere..

posted from Bloggeroid

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Tell me is it worth the pain
When our pride plays the wrong game
Blinded by suspicious mind
Thougt u could read my heart and cross the line

In everything u see
Keep everything back me

Though my broken heart, tear my dreams apart
I'll be alright
I'll be alright

Just a broken heart, not a word to fight
I'll be alright
I'll be alright

Deep that bad taste in your mouth
Half your truth stay on your side
Unleash all your demons free
They've been hiding
All that u've refused to see
Take everything back me

Though my broken heart, tear my dreams apart
I'll be alright
I'll be alright

Just a broken heart, not a word to fight
I'll be alright
I'll be alright

Obvious inside I'll be alright

Through the years, many tears
I have wasted
I've moved on,
moving on

Can't erased can't replaced
What I've tasted
Life's goes on,
an on...

Anggun - I'll Be Alright.


posted from Bloggeroid

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

early birdie..

it is nice to be fully awake at dis time - when all dat u can hear is nthg, but the sound of ayat2 Al Quran from the nearest masjid. i feel so calm, its somethg i cant explain. aku mandi by 5.30am, solat sunat hajat and tahajjud - pack my beg keje, and wait for Subuh. 

and aku hav a 2 hrs class early dis morn., at 8am.

i am wishing for the best, for today. i started to think dat i knw wat i am goin thru, and which way shld i go on wit dis life then. if the time comes and i decided well, i wont be turning back then. 

i hope i'll be strong by then.

hav a pleasant day ahead, ppl. orang dah azan Subuh. will be back, for more.

Monday, January 9, 2012

u need to knw dat..

on dis day - u need to knw - dat the decision is only a wishful thinkin, until u take dat first irreversible step. u can tell urslf dat u hav alrdy decided - dat nthg now can stop u; but if dat step bckwards is so much safer than step forwards - wat will hold u true to ur path when the goin gets tuff? s'times, the rite thg to do is to take dat first irreversible step - the one after which u cant go back. and now - for u, is one of those times.

on dis day, u need to knw dat - when u come to a wall, u can either climb it, or u can simply walk around until u find a door. dun make life so complicated, and hard - look for the doors! there will always a way out - a better one.

on dis day - u need to knw dat ur a human bein. a plain human being, wit a flesh and blood. not a human doing. take time to jst be - to breathe slowly, to feel ur body dat us the temple of ur soul. no activities. no worries. no buzzing. and no nothg.

on dis day - u need to knw dat - darn ur blessed. u may think u hav challenges. but u hav so many blessings. be it as petty as it is. let alone all those obvious ones. s'times it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. ppl around u, ppl who loves u, ppl those care about u and many more. u dun go and hurt em - u shld feel bless for em all. once u focus on the gifts instead of the problems - ur whole perspective will change and u will see blessings - like everywhere!

on dis day, too - u need to knw, dat all is well. all is goin according to plan. trust dat there is a bigger picture.

and trust dat life is unfolding - as it shld.

to not knw.

nothg is exciting if u knw wat the outcome is gonna be. u keep wantin to knw how thgs will play out, keep asking to see the future. God does not giv anyone the power to knw the future - becoz life becomes maddeningly boring when u knw everythg upfront.

its ok to be afraid of wats coming in life - we r like dat. afraid of the unknown. we feel afraid for we hav no idea wats to come. 

i gez life's like dat. so instead of struggling, we shld enjoy the uncertainty - to be alive means to not knw.

unless u knw how it is. and u knw dat ur running in the same circle - again and again. and dat wld be different.


woke up early dis morning - i crashed pretty early as well semlm, after done wit MasterChef M'sia Finale. i wanted to update few thgs in ere, smlm - lappy dah bukak, but when i sat there - aku rasa malas la plak. so aku switched off - and crashed. i had coupla thgs in mind - but then again; nthg new pun. same old shait. same circle.

had a fairly good Sunday smlm. started my Sunday wit a jog and mass-aerobic, i think i had a great kick-start really. balik rumah - aku had a breakfast first. kinda heavy, i wanted to skip lunch - dats the idea. smpai rumah - aku buat keje2 keliling rumah sekejap; tukar air ikan kat both of my fountains, cuci kandang hamsters, aku meracun sket rumput2 keliling rumah, watered the plants et al. then aku smbung dlm rumah - cuci bilik air atas bwh, vacuum rumah, mop, kemas rumah sket - and i am done. by Zohor, aku dah flat.

its gonna be a bz Monday, today. hav 2 taklimats to run - taklimat course/subject aku to those yg amek paper aku ari neh and taklimat psy posting to the seniors. a meeting to attend at 2pm.

nthg new. aku decided not expect anythg at all - aku will jst go wit the flow. 

u hav a pleasant day ahead then.

Friday, January 6, 2012


finally its Friday. been waiting for dis. its been a mixed-up kinda week for me - the ups and downs et al, i am glad thgs r well at the end of it Alhamdulillah. i've made a pack - dis gonna last long, insyaAllah. i hav to. for i want thgs to be jst the way it is..

aku terlibat dgn JKPO untuk ambilan stdnt2 baru neh - 400 sthg of em, giler ramai. tp thank God, dis time around - aku tak terlibat secara langsung pun, as usual - aku teamed up dgn Apiz conducting senam pagi aka erobik for all the boys and the gals. isk - sakit jiwa weh, dgn ramai budak2 mcm ni. mcm2 perangai. tiap2 pg kena basuh dgn aku and Apiz since ada yg lambat la, lembab, lempi, lemau etc. pantang weh aku - kalo kurang punctuality neh. sakit jiwa.

assembly pagi tadik. wit all the stdnts and all the leturer, kakitgn pentadbiran sumer2. mcm biasak - kalo Director dpt mic, sah2 dia sawan bukan seminit dua. aku, Ajak, Fina, Amer, Apiz and few others kitorg berdiri belakang all these big2 bosses - and dorang plak dok nyakat2 aku.. kejis lah. the best part is - lagik lama Director dok berucap, kitorang makin bergerak ke belakang. hahaha.. and dis was atas pentas, infront of like 1k of stdnts. bley? and the assembly went on like an hr plus. sakit kaki siot, w'pun aku tak pakai hi-heel. 

10am, mesyuarat akademik - tp Ajak and Ameer awal2 dah hasut aku ikut dorg pi mkn dulu.. aku mls actually, knwing dat i'll be late for the meeting. tp tak sampai ati plak - so aku ikut je lah. and yeap - kita bertiga masuk meeting lambat, duduk belakang2 je. ok la tu. since i dun think it cld be consider as a meeting pun - more towards briefing. and aku best plak tgk sumer2 lecturers yg ada - seniors, juniors - mcm2 jenis dlm bilik mesyuarat neh;

  1. licky-arse - yg jenis duduk dpn2, angguk2 kepala mcm nak rak, w'pun time ko tak payah nak hangguk pun. hangguk lbey kencang dr time ko bertasbeh waktu tahlil. apa yg di hangguk - aku pun tatau. muka khusyuk Ya Rabbana. tp aku bet kalo aku tnya, sah2 la dorg tatau jgk.
  2. Cloud 9 - ni jenis yg dok belek2 hp (w'pun bwh meja) and ko clearly knw since ko nampak dorg kejap2 sengih, kejap2 muka mcm concentrate giler. tp most of the time dok tunduk tgk 'kasut'. bley?
  3. my world, not yrs - ni jenis2 yg hanyut dlm dunia seniri; be it samada ko tido or tak. or tak pun dorg tgk ko mcm 'see thru u'. muka kosong. blur. aku kalo jenis mcm ni - aku antar balik bilik je. senang.
  4. aku bosan, so ko kena bosan jugak - hahaha.. ni jenis yg dok usik org. pusing kiri bisik2, pusing kanan bisik2. then gelak. jenis 'kalo aku bosan, siap la korg' mcm tu. kejis kan?
  5. jgn kaco aku, aku nak amek note - ni most of em pempuan2 la. set2 lecturer pempuan senior2 neh. sumer jadah yg boss cakap, sumer salin. i mean - sumer salin. sebijik2 yg keluar dr mulot bos. bley? aku alergik la org mcm ni. tatau pasal. perlu ke ko nak salin sumer sampai sejibik2? Fina pun sama. aku selalu usik dia, 'ko salin la.. nanti aku nak fotostat'. and dia selalu 'bodoh la ko neh' kan aku. hahaha..i gez sumer pempuan mcm tu la kot. tak yah tunggu tua. heh.

aku? aku baik. aku dok diam2 dlm meeting. btol. percaya la ckp aku.

kan? heh. baik la aku buat facial dr dok dlm meeting tetiber. cemaneh?

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

twelve, as promised.

and here they r;

  1. i love u - u knw i do. if u love twelve, well i do more for God sake. i wish i cld u tell u again and again, but it'll become cheap. and easy. cliché, as u might say. but i really do. all my bloody heart.
  2. and u love me as well - and i knw dat. u say it now and then, its like somethg precious each time u say it well. i crave to hear it every now and then, but i knw u. and its ok. for me sometimes - action speaks louder than words. and it shows all over places, each time i'm wit u.
  3. i knw i can change - for good. i was bad, and i never knw how to appreciate u well before, as much as u do - to me. but i learn a lot. and i wanna change. i am trying to change. and i knw i can do dis. and i'll prove it to u.
  4. i deserve to hav u - for i never had someone like u, before. u mght say it sounds cheap. or anyone can simply say so. but w/o sayin it, u never knw it. and i wldnt get the chance to make u understand  it well, too. i believe in saying it out well, for if anythg happens in between - i wont regret for not telling u dis, and i am not regret keepin it in me, when u shld knw the truth. i knw u deserve someone way better, and it got to be me.
  5. we r different - and dat makes us beautiful. we r like coffee-tea kinda thang. and i love knwing everythg new about u, everyday. it makes me love u even better.
  6. u care for me - u dun hav to say, for i do knw - u do care for me. ur doings, ur everythg - it narrows down into one thg; u really do care for me. and i cant help help to feel so special in my skin. nobdy ever do dis to me.
  7. u treat me well - u do appreciate me as a person. as a someone u love. u listen to me attentively. u understand me - sometimes, u dun even need words to understand. its scary sometimes - as if ur readin me. but i love dat. all dis understand me well, ended up wit one thg in particular - u treat me good. as a person. i wont go asking for more.
  8. i knw i can be better than dis - i am a loser. i knw. i hurt u again and again. so many times dat i dun knw how u can stand there well, in deep shait - jst becoz of me being a silly. as if i dun knw which is good and which is not. but i knw i can be better than dis. i knw i can treat u way better than dis. and i knw i can make u love me even better..
  9. i've been bad before - and i wanna pay u back in return, all the thg u deserve to get. i'll take risk. and i'll face the consequences. for i want u to stay. and i want u to be around me.
  10. ur there for me - all dis while. but i do shait to u. i need to be better than dis. and i need to prove u dat i am worth it.
  11. we r good together - u and me, we r better rather than me alone. or perhaps - u alone. and i want dis to stay. i love ur jokes, i love ur words, ur brain - u turned me into somethg different i cant explain. i am happy to hav u. i am blessed to hav u.
  12. u see me thru - u see inside of me, like nbdy else. u never use me for anythg at all. u do everythg u do, for u wanna do it well. 

u want it twelve, i cld giv u even way better than jst the above. 

pls do stay. for i am nthg, w/o u.

life. consequences.

life is a one way street. u go well down the so-called street, u pick up thgs along the way - be it u need it or not, u take some action - there will definitely some reaction and consequences, occur. u cant run from it. its the fact life.

sometimes - u do thgs becoz u feel like doin it. sometimes u do thgs - w/o a second tot, and u never think of wat it may brings, in the future. its like - u hav fun first, and u'll bear wit anythg at all, after dat. or, u do wat u wanna do - and cldnt be bother about wat it may brings. it cld breaks ur heart. it cld breaks others heart - u never knw. or perhaps - the consequences r way bitter u dun knw if u can deal wit it or not.

i knw how it is. i gotta walk my life, carrying the burden - or the so-called consequences now. i am hurting myself, and the worst part is - i am hurting those i really love, and those i really care. i am not proud of it. and i am not point fingers - its my fault anyway. its me, and nbdy else.

i wish i cld turn back the time. i regret for i've done. and i wanna change. i am tryin to change, God sake. everybdy had a darkside - and i hav mine too. i aint proud of it. its somethg i left behind, wishing i cldve done way better than dat, and i cld think twice or more - before doin thgs, and i gotta deal wit it now.

i wish i cld convince ppl dat i am changing. dat i am not myself in the past - and i am tryin hard, so i wont be losing wat i am havin now. truth hurt sometimes. and dis is the truth i am facing. 

life is action-reaction-consequences. i took the risk, and now - i gotta bear the consequences. 


theres a place dat i knw
its not pretty there - and few hav ever gone
if i show it to u now
will it make u run away?

or will u stay?
even if it hurts
even if i try to push u out
- will u return?
and remind me who i really am
pls remind me, who i really am

everybdy's got a dark side
do u love me?
can u love mine?
nbdy's a picture perfect
but we r worth it
u knw dat we r worth it
will u love me?
even wit my dark side?

like a diamond
from black dust
its hard to knw
it can become
a few giv up
so pls - dun giv up on me
pls remind me who i really am.

~ kelly clarkson, dark side.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

u knw me, no.

Someone said i led a melancholic life. And he/she said it as if he/she knws myslf darn well. No, i am not piss off. Ppl say wat they wanna say. And sometimes, u dun knw wat ur saying.

I write wat i feel like to write. I write wats in my head. And wat i stumbled into. I write wat tangled in my head (darn me and stuffs in my head, eh?) for i believe life is like dat - the ups and downs. The happy and the sad. The bright and gloomy days. Everybdy had one. Any one of the above. Kan?

And to judge me i am havin a melancholic life, jst like dat - wow, dats utterly tak baik, la kot. Eh?

Fyi, i had a good life hell yeah. I had my good time, too. Ups and down and such. But to equate my life, wit urs - wohooo.. dats too much.

I dun knw u. And so do u, u dun knw me. I dun knw wat kinda life ur havin, mister. And i dun bother to knw how, pun.

So read on. I am honored. But dun go judging me, dat aint right. Someone, some where may buy ur words. But i aint. And i am sorry.

Owh, btw - sorry. Dun u thk dis entry is kinda melancholic?


posted from Bloggeroid

wet wet wet

I hate the idea of goin to the wet market. But sometimes, u jst cant go running from it. And u gotta still go doin it.

And so goes today.

But then, u gotta find some way out to deal wit the feeling. And while buying dis and dat (while aku kept on the ground still - u knw why), aku bz kan diri jgk pegang kamera phone, tryin to snap coupla pics, discreetly. Best plak tgk colourful vegetables and fruits. And org ramai, Tuhan je tau.

Ges wat, aku bought 2kgs of buah mata kucing - isi tebal, manis etc. And it costed me cuma rm34 je.


posted from Bloggeroid