i've been thinking about dis - how i've found dat it is a good thang to go thru a heartache at one point or another in ur lifetime. not the petty, childhood heartache - but the horrible kinda u, me - all of us experienced. but see - when u get the healing part of it - u will hav so much love to share wit someone.
or anyone at all.
u will be able to appreciate someone in ways even u cant understand. u will be so much stronger then u were, before. i knw how much dis sucks rite now - and i knw how it seems unfair - but when its all said and done, trust me - dis will all make sense. all dis pain ur goin thru at dis moment - rite at dis moment - will eventually teach u some of the greatest lessons in life u will ever need to learn.
i dun knw how. and i dun knw y - but i do knw dat u changed my life. i met u - and i've ever been the same, since. i dun knw if its for better or worse - or jst for nthg, but i do knw dat u changed me, and u really did.
u taught me how to live life way better. i mean - a real one. u showed me dat i dun hav to be afraid of wat other ppl think of me. u taught me how to believe in myself, to walk tall, and no turning back. u told me to never giv up dreamin and i never hav.
somewhere between all the jokes, the smiles u put me on, the laughter and all the hugs - i fell in love. and i am blessed. i knw times hav changed and i get it - i really get it but i jst want u to knw dat i do, and will always love u.
End up kat KKTR. Aku shld be there in HBUK for a meeting - aku did a u-turn to the clinic, since dis dull pain over my right chest starts to bother me, a lot. Its been 3 days now, and the pain was obviously there esp early in the morn - i hardly breath in properly. Mak ckp perhaps its 'sejuk', tp aku had no h/o Asthma or anythg like dat pun.
And pg ni, i had dis prolong pain over there.
Aku dah kat klinik. The MA asked me if aku in rush and nak jmpak the doc dulu. Tp biar la. Mls aku nak rush2. Aku nak duduk2 dulu, ikut turn je la. Tak ramai pun patient.
I hope its mechanical je la kot. Muscle strain. Or anythg like dat.
after like spending the whole day at home like a moron, i decided to go out for a breather, for a while. jump into my car, baru je kuar taman aku - hujan turun bagai nak rak. first - aku was contemplating - to continue the driving, or u-turn balik rumah je.. but then - aku was jst continue driving.. sampai Jaya Jusco. mission aku - cari kasut sport. ganti kasut sport aku yg lama dah nak tertanggal tapak pun. hujan lebat. air naik kat area Bercham tu. and jalan jammed giler. and alhamdulillah - aku managed to find a parking lot.
year end sale. mcm2 sale. nak beli or tak nak beli je. dok cari2 kasut sukan - aku terlalu dpn kedai kasut kulit.. and aku cant help tak masuk kedai kasut tu. my obsession - kasut kulit for kerja, selain dari jam tangan. aku remember mak berleter kat aku - almari kasut sampai dua tiga - most of em kasut keje and casual. ada yg beli, baru pakai 2 3 kali.
and aku terbeli a pair of kasut kulit warna itam. good bargain. good tajuk. and nice to hav both kaki in it. no hesitation - aku terus ke counter and byr. hahaha.. and only after dat - aku cari kasut sport aku.
there is one pasang kasut keje, warna dark brown. chantek giler. but thank God i am strong (gtew) to tahan nafsu aku dr grab both. altho even now - aku dok teringat2 dat pair in brown. damn.
lalu dpn kedai kamera - aku sawan. tgk lense yg dah lama aku aim nak beli, tak beli2 jugak. aish. and the gps set - aiyo, sah2 la kena Jumbo sale diri seniri mcm neh.
laku ke? haha
starting my day not in a good way. kuar mkn, balik only to find my other kete kat porch - pancit tayar belakang. semlm ok je. ak called kedai tayar - tak bukak lagik. aku was thinking - perhaps, maybe aku shld bukak tayar and bring it to kedai and get it fix. selongkar nyer selongkar bonet - aku got all thgs i need to bukak tayar. darn - i hav to confess dis - aku tak pernah fix flat tayar on my own, all dis while. never. ever. and i was giving it a shoot then. fix the jack, aku jacked the car - and suddenly someone told me 'u shld loosen up the nut first, the baru jack.. kalo tak payah'.. and aku dah half way jacked up the car. so - aku decided to un-jack it, but only to find dat aku keep on jacking the car! bodoh sgt. dah la nak jack pun mcm nak mampus! alang2 - aku gigih jugak loosen up all the nut tyre. and aku managed!
tp tayar tak bley cabut. ketat giler.
by dat time - aku dah tension. called both of the kedai tayar - they cant make it to the house since 'talak olang kat kedai' cibeiy. finally - aku decided to unjack it back, fixed the nut and pump the tyre manually je la. maybe aku cld make it to the kedai kat dpn tu je. aku remember aku do hav pump tyre/bola dlm store. aku selongkar store. and gez wat? pump aku dah jahanam - tiub dah terkulai nak putus - sah2 aku tak bley pump pe2 pun! aku rushed to the hardware, get a new one.
by lunch time - aku dah kat kedai tayar. and i was all done.
i've been thinking. how i am tryin to hard to understand others - but aku ended up to hold all the blame. its like i am tryin to giv the best - but the best is not enuff pun. btol la org ckp - those yg close to u; ur best fren and such - they can be at their best yet they can hurt u like fuckin shait, as well.
i think its about time alrdy aku nak tebas rerambut atas kepala (atas) aku neh. its about time. and i gez - dis cld be the longest period aku kept all the hair tidy and intact - since mak and abah, incldg few minimons and other really wanna see me 'ada rambut' so i'd look a bit 'mcm lecturer', God sake. owh, dats not incldg mak suruh aku pakai spec so aku'd 'look more intellectual and less fierce'.
aku jst senyum. tak kata apa2. kdg2 aku ngomel sket2. tp - euw. no thanks.
and today - aku had the urge to start moto and off to the barber - get my head chop off. i mean - chop off the hair, not my head yeah. i wanted to hav the 'free-feelin' wit no hair up sprawling on my head. i started to rasa malas nak gel, wax, spray the hair each time aku kuar rumah. and aku hate myself seein my own self in the mirror bila rambut aku mcm kena tsunami - hideous. and bosan la - time mls, aku kena ber-cap topi bagai.
but then again - ada rambut cool jgk. aku nyer immediate boss will go screaming 'no-no-no' each time aku ckp nak potong rambut. she said aku looked pretty much fren-ly wit the hair on. euw. garang sgt ke aku kalo botak? and the stdnts keep telling me aku look younger wit hair. ptuii, dats disgusting i knw. but dun u think it is sweet? it is - for me yeah. hehe
erm, maybe aku shld keep the hair for lil while. tgk la - seminggu dua lagik. i wanna feel the hair up there for a lil more, until aku btol2 jst go and commit, duduk atas kerusi potong rambut kat barber tu - and botak my paler again. and at dat time - aku will spank the mamak potong rambut tu, for he will never ever, again - gelak kan aku each time aku masuk kedai dia, and aku ada rambut.
these last coupla days i've been feeling i mght be overly resistant to criticism - i knw it, and i admit it - wit regards to some new stuff i've been experiencing. so as an anti-dote, i am writing dis blog post to remind myself dat mght be. i do mistakes, and i admit it. i am learning and i wanna be better.
in a nutshell, i think tend to hate myself wit thgs i am goin thru, and let it bias my judgement.
remember, the more u let ur ego grows and indulge u - the more attachment u feel towards it. its a well known cognitive effect. u need to make sure u compensate for dat and dun let ur ego get the better of u.
reached home by 6.30pm, penat sgt rasa. mental, physical. kinda pelik - bukan pi mana sgt pun - i was from one KK to another, settling thgs yg redundant since like a month back. time stdnt2 tak dak ni, time aku duduk ofc pun bosan - better off aku on the road, jumpak LP etc - need to clear thgs esp regarding posting klinikal next sem.
frankly speakin - aku dah naik meluat wit thgs around me lately. pergi balik, pergi balik - mcm tu jugak. tadak pe changes pun. mls aku nak fikir. aku pun tak le perfect mana pun. tp bg aku senang - aku tak suka, aku bgtau. sekali sudah la. byk2 kali - baik aku pi main layang2 je senang.
i was in the kedai henpon last coupla days. and dis one alrdy in the lemari kaca. i asked the perempuan jaga kedai (she's a fren of mine, darn frenly) of the dis and dat of dis lil thang - and it went str8 into my head, making me goes ga ga instantly. demm.
i am not a fan of Samsung pun. used to use Nokia all my life - a user frenly katanya. until Android came knockin th door, and i went sawan all over places. i love iPhone hell yeah. but Android - i think i love her way better. so i switched to Samsung. nak beli Galaxy S II mcm tak mampu la plak. harews aku berpuasa sunat like everyday, for the rest of the months, of the whole freakin yr. so aku opt her lil adeQ, Galaxy S Plus.
it is good. damn good. except tak sebesar SII and tak dak flash. other than dat - sama je kot.
and now - Galaxy Note. a tab and a phone in one. not as big as iPad. u wont look like someone yg exaggerate time nak amek gambar - its like holding ur plasma tv godek2 nak amek gambar. kelakar. oppsss. dis is jst nice. tak besar. tak kecik.
love is a madness - if u knw how it feels. it erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.and when it subsides - u hav to make a decision - u hav to work out whether ur roots hav become so entwined together; dat is is so inconceivable - dat u shld ever part. nobdy wants dis. not even me. but then - dats the way it is.
becoz dis is wat love is.
love is not breathless. it is not excitement. it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. u mght not agree wit me - for if ur on the Cloud 9 - i understand u well. but wait till u gain ur senses back again. dat is jst being 'in love' - which any of us can convince ourselves, we r.
love itself is wat is left over when bein in love had burned away - and dis is both an art and a fortunate accident. ur mum and u had it, u had roots dat grew towards each other underground. and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches - we found dat we were one tree.
its been a gloomy day. i was ere at the back of the house dari pg tadi lagik - doin some work at ease - since the doc tell me to stay away from the comp screen, plus hav a proper rest. away from the comp. screen? alrite. i'd letak the screen jauh2, but i still need to do coupla works seblm aku start keje esok. emails to go thru - most of em dr stdnts research under me - dis and dat regarding their HSR. selain seeing me F2F, aku galakkan dorg to discuss using the internet - email and Yahoo! Chat (kalo aku online and rajin la). and most of em, prefer to email. the problem is - aku jrg2 sgt bukak email. until dorg sms and ask 'sir dah tgk email?', 'sir dah check ur inbox?' kinda thang. since aku cuti ari ni - dat is wat i've been doin dr pg, until now.
and dari pagi tadik - its been like ujan berhenti, ujan berhenti - for like 4 times alrdy. i love dis kinda cuaca. and i definitely wont be goin out at dis time - for i hate seein myself wet. of the cuaca, of coz.
dis time around, aku pasrah je la kot. i'll go wit the flow. i've been stupdi all dis while - telling myself dat i am gonna be ok, while i knw the thg - it is not. i've been denial of the fact and truth - altho i knw it well.
watever happened semlm - aku still in the state of shock. think thgs r better now. but then - now i am not sure of anythg at all.
think i shld be ready for Asar. hujan still! tdo best ni, eh?
its been 5 days since aku last update the blog. so many thgs to write - as usual, but so lil time - and by the time i wanted to; thgs jst go wit the wind and aku cant remember a thang.
still on leave - managed to finish up thgs yg aku patut buat kat ofc like a week back. done wit the laundry, done wit merumput and mercun sket kat so-called taman sebelah rumah aku, done wit kemas rumah and bayar all the bill, on-line too. and the worst part is - 2pm ada meeting i need to attend kat ofc.
Second day at May Tower Hotel for Persidangan Pengajar ILKKM 2/2011. Pretty pack tentative, rehat jst for mkn mandi je. Mlm pun smbg from 8 to 10.30pm. Sah2 mcm smlm, balik je trus flat.
Speakers ok2, tp kdg2 lemau making those yg dok blkg buat hal msg2, tmasuk aku. I gez i am jst like dat. Aku prefer berbuat rather than duduk tegak mcm Tugu Negara xpctd ko dpt absorb sumer2 mcm Spongebob. Aku tgk rata2 pun hanyut semcm je.
I gez no matter how smart ur, brp tinggi qualification dat u hav - but when it comes to make sure the audience pay a full attention and response to u - dat is exactly smthg else.
Aku rasa sgt dreadful. Bdn pun jap pns jap sejuk. Argkh.
it shldve been a good day for me. it is a good day, alrite. i've been waiting for dis day, for weeks now. counting days and such. i've planned thgs well. i wanna hav thg goes well, i wanna put all thgs beside - so i cld hav the good time, good moment i've planned all the while.
but i gez - i am such a loser. i snapped, and turn thgs into plain shait - and turn the whole plan upside down.
and the end of all dis - i cant help to feel bad, myself. i feel like i am a spoiled brat, selfishly think of myself - and nobdy else. i've put ppl in trouble. and darn i feel bad.
i wish i cld be doin somethg about dis. i shldve say 'no' if i knew thgs better - way earlier. but now - thgs has said, and done. how i wish i'd be able to make thgs, worth a while. worth of time spending. worth of everythg, at all.
i am sorry. u never knw how i wish thgs wld get better - way better than dis, God sake.
its 3.15am in the morn. and i still cant sleep.
theres thgs marching up my head. and i wish i cld jst get rid of it, well. so i cld hav a peaceful sleepin.
woke up early dis morning. by 3.30am - i was so wide awake - aku solat isya', turun dapur - sempat do the dishes, tho aku wish aku cld skip it alrite. nak mandi, awal lagik - so aku lepak2 do nthg to kill time, and by 5.30am - aku dah siap mandi et al, tunggu Subuh. lately ni aku mls sgt nak press baju2 keje neh - aku even hav the tot of sending all the baju suar keje to the dobi shop to get em pressed. tp - mls2 pun, aku puas ati did it on my own, and i had no choice la kot.
crashed early last nite. tak sempat Isya' masuk - aku dah tdo. i was havin a pretty hiked up temp semlm - tp pg ni alhamdulillah, kurang sket dah. tekak ni je sket - aku feel so mcm theres a lump of i-dun-knw-wat tersekat kat situ and makes me feel so un-selesa-able. and a bit of cough. and thank God - no selsema. i gez its a sign la kot - dat i bloody need some rest. best bz dgn konvo ni like nbdy biz - by 6.30am aku dah on the road to the office (since takut jam - itu pun tersangkut jgk!) and by 7pm, baru smpai rumah. too many thgs to be done, and all these ppl from various colleges r taking thgs for granted since 'kan KSKBUK yg jadi tuan rumah' kinda thang. hate it, really.
btw - it is nice to see all the exstnts back in ere for the graduation. they grew up a lot, really. mentally. and physically. haha.. and it is nice to hav a plain chit chat wit em all, like those were the days. ada yg siap nak bergambar dgn aku - wit his/her whole family, ada yg siap introduced me to the parents/wives/husbands and such. and yeah - ada jugak yg siap 'berlari-lari anak' by the time nampak aku, nampak tp buat2 tak nampak and such. well, i gez it doesnt hurt me at all pun - tho initially it does - esp yg buat perangai mcm tu r those yg rapat dgn aku, baik dgn aku, bergayut kat bilik aku like 24/7.. sir shah dis and sir shah dat.
its ok lah. ppl r like dat. i mean - life is like dat pun.
owh, enough wit dat. another day to go thru, yeah. cant wait to get rid wit dis ordeal.
done wit the first dat of ILKKM Konvo 2011, first time held kat KSKB UK neh. pagi2 lagik aku smpai - 7.10am - jln masuk ke kolej dah fully packed. gelabah jap aku since aku nyer stesyen not fully set-up as yet. and by 7.30am - aku dah officially start kerja - starting perasmian by Menteri Kesihatan Malaysia dlm dewan, smpai la dia melawat facilities (incldg our gym!) and Tapak Pesta - where aku in-charge of Kempen Derma Darah.
alhamdulillah, thgs went well. and by 6.30pm - aku dah smpai dpn pintu, still fully dressed mcm aku keluar rumah pg tadik.. pesta konvo still on till 10pm wit concert, pertandingan and such - but i sweat to God, aku dah tak larat nak berdiri pun, and aku refused to leave my frigging nest, at all pun.
i am done wit Isya', i am done mandi and jumped in my boxer alrdy. aku still hav baju kerja esok to press - but i barely stand tall any longer pun.
it was the last day of induksi umum 2/2011 kskb uk, yg involving K24. so - tho aku bz dgn persediaan konvo and such - aku took time, curi2 sket spent time wit the stdnts, since ari ni sesi perbentangan kerja berkumpulan. it was good to see the stdnts evolving - aku was there at the eraly of the past 3yrs - time dorg mula mendaftar masuk and aku was too, one of the fasci yg handle the majlis orientasi budak2 Ajak neh. and today - aku jgk involved dg penutup induksi dorang.. its been 3 yrs aku dgn dorg, thick and thin. w'pun aku bukan penyelaras dorg - perhaps since aku rapat dgn Ajak, literally aku rapat jugak dgn budak2 dia. anythg yg dorang tension dgn Ajak and such - they find me to vent out.. and aku - as usual, will go see Ajak and use my skill to 'handle' Ajak well, facing his own stdnts. and so far - aku never failed. budak2 ni tau aku rapat dgn Ajak, and dorg tau how aku can jst 'influenced' Ajak - jst like dat.
most of the stdnts rapat dgn aku - budak K24 ni. dr yg super nakal to yg super nerdy, and in between as well. and today - aku see em for the last time - aku not sure when will i'd be seeing em again. i had a mixed feeling - sad, happy. i dun knw wat it is.
i gez - dats the way it is, being one in a line of job like me. ko dpt stdnts, ko together wit em all - thru all - didik, hav fun, tough time et al; and at the end of the day, u gotta let me go - for they hav go wit their own life. and only a few yg will stop once in a while, and look back - and they'll see u. they will stop - and ask u dis and dat, makes u feel darn appreciated. but most of em - no matter how good ur wit em all during the stdnt time - u'll hardly hear a word any more. no more. kinda sad, but i started to adapt wit dat well.
for i gez dats the way it is.
so for Amir Fadhli, Syawal, Kimi, Tok, Fizie aka Datin, Bun et al - i wish u all the very best in life. i had a tremendous good great time all these yrs, and i am honored to hav stdnts like u. i never ask any of u to say 'thank u' and such - i jst hope dat, thru out the yrs ur gonna go thru; u wont forget me. remember me sometimes - for i definitely will do remember all of u. definitely.
smpai rumah around 6.30pm.. aku kat kolej since 7.30am lagik. penat giler. konvo start esok - Menteri Kesihatan akan rasmi, and on Tues., Timbalan Mentri Kesihatan plak dtg rasmi a kempen held by Bahagian Pengurusan dan Latihan. its kinda scary - bg aku, konvo shld jst be a konvo; an academical function dat is.. tp skang ni dah bercampur2 - and aku cld see all stressed-up faces, like everywhere.
talking about all the big-shoots yg love to point fingers, pleasing org2 atas - and makes all the ikan bilis work their shait out. poor the stdnts, as well.
imagine i gotta go thru dis for the whole one week - rite till 11/12. sigh.
think i am gonna crash early tonite. i feel sad, empty. kinda down a bit - i am not sure of why. perhaps aku penat sgt. or perhaps - becoz of the msges aku received from quite a number of stndts Ajak - ucap selamat tinggal, thanks and such. i hate being in dis melancholic kinda state.
not replyin my msges. calls to no avail. aku start rasa serabut kepala otak. and jst now - aku received another sms from someone else yg basically pernah menyebabkan byk masalah dlm idup aku. aku lagik gelabah. no smses, no calls.
my weakness - now dat aku cant help thinking all those bulshait, really. i wanted to cast the tots away. i wanted to jst 'lantak la' kinda thang - but i jst cant.