Friday, September 30, 2011

wt.. f?







cant sleep. throbbing headache. a nice combination, aye?


2hrs of classes dis mornin at 8 to 10, on Sociology. darn i cant wait to get rid of the hrs, really. i do hope the stdnts alrdy do some extensive reading, since aku dah bg outline topik awal2 lagik. and if they r not - i think i'll be blowing my top, God sake. dammit - i am not in a 'good shape' at time being. heh.



---


11.35am.


gez wat? aku terlupa nak press 'publish' to the above entry. and the entry was still there, waiting for me to publish. ok la - since aku need to vent out thgs now - better off aku do it now, rather than aku keep it in me and aku'll throw it on someone else's face nanti - ofkoz, ramai plak budak2 plus other ppl around me yg ada tendency utk diperlakukan sebegitu rupa pun. ermm..


aku masuk kelas at 8.10am - mmg time2 mcm tu aku masuk kelas, givin em about 10mins to get ready for the class and such. betul tudung, baju, tie, usik2 kwn pe jadah sumer. youngsters - watdya expect? tak cukup kat hostel - smpai ke dlm kelas pun nak bergurau sendu. sendu lah! heh.


a bit on intro, aku started the class well. kepala berdenyut, tak pe. semangat ngajar dah masuk bdn - i think i  was doin fine, rite till bila mata aku ternampak dis one young man tersandar tgk aku, rite into me - thru me dat is - wit nothg on his desk. and to make thg worst, he had his two arms wrap up around his chest, well. aku was like, 'wow!'. ere i am standing and tryin my freakin best to deliver, and ur there tersandar mcm Prime Minister. so aku tnya - 'wheres ur notes?'. dia selamba biawak ckp, 'no notes'. where as all the others r havin some shait (be it - aku tak kisah.. asal desk tak kosong, and u hav pen/pencil in ur hand.. aku will shut the fcuk up) on masing2 nyer desk. and dis is ur talking to a first sem nyer bdk2 - yg hingus pun meleleh2 lagik. fine. aku asked him to bukak beg, get a paper and a pen, and scribble somethg. as for me - kelas aku simple. ko pandai ke, ko bodoh ke - sama je. nobdy is like a SpongeBob pun - can jst sit there and absorb. dats bulshait. u listen, u rite and u understand. dats the way u learn. and dis boi dah buat aku hangen sket.. pun tak pe. 


after like 30mins - aku shooooo-ed em off for a take five.


after 5mins., aku started the class back - only to find theres 3 stdnts at the back there, sleeping still - terlentok mcm tengkok ayam kena semelih. and gez wat? dats it. aku suddenly - at the top of my lungs, screamed out shait. sebenarnya aku tak la marah sgt mana pun - tp aku dah been showing my good side to em all, al dis while.. and i think they shld knw my evil side plak now. let em knw dat i am not sort of flush toy they can simply play wit. i dun care if they dun respect me pun - for respect is not somethg dat u deserve - it is sthg dat u gain. so be it. aku panggil budak bertiga ni, beratur dpn aku - and aku perembat dorg out of my class. aku tak ckp byk. aku kalo marah - aku refused to talk. for if i do - nanti ramai yg benci aku. so aku switched of the mic. and aku blah. ada 3 - 4 ekor yg rushed ikut aku kuar hall, mintak maaf bagai. aku simply told em - aku need not to see anyone, and aku refused to entertain any such bulshait. gtew. drama tak? 


tp dammit - aku mmg marah. geram. dah la aku pening. tak cukup tdo. demam tak kebah2 lagik. masuk kelas aku - buat perangai mcm c*pap. ko ingat aku berdiri kat dpn menyanyi lagu NegaraKu and put u to sleep ke? wtf.


aku tau - stimes all dis reflect on how u deliver. u as a lecturer, its ur responsibility to make the class interesting.. so far aku tadak masalah. kelas aku pagi ke, ptg ke.. most of the time, they r all fine - except kdg2 tu, of course la tak bley elak. perhaps aku psychologically tak stable la kot - sleep-less nite, headache. tmbh  plak dgn budak2 yg mcm.. argkh. mls aku.



---


jumpak Ajak otw back to the ofc. rupa nya dia kat dewan sebelah. and dgr aku sawan wit the mic on. argkh! malu jap. but he was like, 'tak pe.. aku fhm.. jom ikut aku minum'. ni jugak another hal. nampak aku je, minum. haha.. ok la. at least aku tak minum sorg2 mcm semlm.


so far, tak de pe yg terbakar lagik. and tadak saper kena bunuh as well.


therefore - i think i am doin ok la kot, eh?


heh!









Thursday, September 29, 2011

good night!








nak tak nak - aku kena kuar jugak for a dinner. mmg lapar, tp mls giler. time aku kat gym tadik pun - dah rasa mcm light-headed. maybe aku pushing myself too hard. and perhaps, maybe sebab aku tak amek lunch.. late brunch pun - mcm ala2 je since mulut aku tak terasa apa2 pun. tup2 aku kat Nasi Lemak Ayam Kampung in Ipoh - ratah ayam kampung goreng dgn sos (euw) cili. huargkh. taste-less.


singgah kay CIMB Medan Gopeng, byr utang kereta aku - tersinggah plak kat Tutti Frutti. hancor diet miet aku weh! tp tak kisah la - sedap. and aku puas ati. time2 perot membolat mcm ni, baru timbul rasa menyesal (katanyer). bley? kejis.



---



lately aku rasa mcm malas nak update my blog neh. i am not sure why. of coz - i am doin dis for myself - i hav no one askin me so, i hav no fan urging me pun. perhaps becoz last time - aku hav someone 'been watching over me' - by readin dis and dat; there'll be a lot of questions asked. s'times aku rasa mcm tak seronok pun ada, of coz.. but the feeling of 'been watching' makes me feel damn bloody secured, i cant tell u how and why. it is like - some one out there if 'following' me, and someone out there is 'taking care of me', in a sense, yeah. but now - ermm..


aku tak la blame saper2 - its the life we live in - the bz-ness etc. i hav to say dat theres a lot to tell, theres a lot to write and to share - tp mcm dah tadak umpphh.. ntah. perhaps it'd be nice if i take a break la kot.



---



 for some reason aku rasa geram. sakit ati pun ada. ckp salah, tak ckp salah. kalo ckp buat aku serba salah. tak ckp kalo - pyh jugak. dah besar pjg, tp tak reti2 jgk.


and perhaps - aku shld extend the use of 'biar lah' in so many ways la kot..


yeah - 'perhaps' lagik.. eh?




gnite.








thor-sday~






at the office alrdy. feeling way much better. perhaps - aku cukup tido. and cukup mkn ubat! heh. w'pun aku meluat tgk meja aku yg penuh wit works and such - aku senyum sajort. i am goin to get em all done - one by one, insyaAllah.


aku noticed meja aku a bit berterabur. someone must've done somethg - and it had to be somethg wit the computer. aku noticed dat by the time aku switched on the computer - theres a msg sayin dat chasis dah dibukak et al. i am not knw wat the heck is dat mean - so aku called our IT personnel - si Azmil. he told me dat the contractor yg handling all the PCs did some work - and they did it on the weekend. tak pe la they did work. tp perlu ke on the weekend? its not dat cpu aku ada all those unnecessary thgs pun, in there. tp mcm penyangak plak aku rasa - ko buat keje time the owner was not around, sesuka suki - and sepah2 brg org, w/o no intention nak kemas balik.


will be in dewan sr perdana today - the stdnts will be sitting for my paper at 8.30am.


hav a great Thursday, peeps.









Wednesday, September 28, 2011

feverish, still.





Called mak, i was like 'mak, alg demam' kinda thang. No. I din mean to make her worry abt me, no. For all dat i need was a lil reassurance, dat i am gonna be ok. Dat i am gonna alrite as the sun comes up, trow early morn. And, as xpcted - mak went on like, 'nape dmm? alg keje truk sgt ke? bos ok ke? jgn lupa mkn ubat.. apa2 bgtau mak' kinda usual thang. I was smiling listening to all. Tho it sounds like a plain naggin, but i love it. And she nvr knw hows dat soothe me, a lot.


The torturous thgs to do when i am strike wit fvr is mandi. I hate doin it. Its so damn bldy cold, and i'd go shivering like hell. Tp aku kena mandi jgk, for physiologically, dat will help reducing my ranging temp. Aku bley je minum plain water bergelen2, aku tak ksh pun berulg pi washroom, PU. Tapi mandi? A big gross.


Dah dinner. Simple one. Dah amek Brufen and Piriton, aku definitely will get a real knck out, soon.


Hope trow aku will get better, insyaAllah. Mean while, i shall go crashing now. Gnite, guys.
posted from Bloggeroid











feverish!








think if continuing my beauty sleep - pounding headache, feverish plus the runny nose - argkh, i can go on wit life if its jst a plain fever. but havin a fever plus runny nose at the same time - darn dat is so torturous, really. i remember havin like 4hrs of teachin today - and dat makes my heart sinks, really.


in the ofc alrdy. perhaps i shld go and do the first 2hrs, and get the hell outta ere - by shooo-ing the stdnts to the library and do thgs on their own. after all they need sometimes on their own; formatives r around em all, yeah.


so man thgs on the meja - i dun hav heart to go thru any of em, really. and bills too. puke. 


i jst need a break. and a proper sleep, God sake.


and a jug of Ribena. some grapes will do good. seedless grapes dat is. kueh keria for breakie. and tea-tarik suma gelas besar, kurang manis.


damn. wats get into me?







Saturday, September 24, 2011

2nd gez.










..





in life - we do thgs. some we wish we had never done, and we regret it for God sake. we wish we never go thru such thang. and some - we wish we cld replay a million times - tho u knw dat'd be impossible. yet trust me - they do make us who we r and in the end - they shape and detail us.


if we were to reserve em, we wldnt be the ppl we r now. and we wldnt learn a thang.


so, jst live. make mistakes, learn from em all. and hav wonderful memories - be it bad or sweet. but never second guess who ur, where u've been. and most importantly - where ur goin.



---


hav a pleasant weekend, peeps.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

invi.






invisible.


dats how i feel. i knw i shldnt be drowned wit all dis bulshait in my head - but i cat help it. been keepin myself bz since early morn., but i keep havin one thang in mind.. i keep on wondering. i knw everybdy is bz wit life, and i am tryin to be one of em as well. but perhaps - they r good in keepin thgs in perspective.. but i aint. i've been bz all day, today - but i knw i am lying to myself - for physically i am occupied, and God sake - my mind as well.


i am not blaming thgs to others. perhaps - its me to be blame. i am being selfish. i am being self-centered. i shld be way better than dis.


gnite.







Wednesday, September 21, 2011

shait - it happens!





salam. and good morning.


another plain Wednesday - a mid-of-the-week kinda thang. nthg much - except aku shldve been hitting the road by now - tp Mr Bong called up and asked me to dtg ofc first - aku need to attend dis meeting, before anythg at all. argkhh.. i hate dis. i hate all dis meetings, the last minutes arrangement and i hate thgs yg get in between thgs yg aku dah susun elok2.


so many thgs in my head now. among em was hal2 stdnts aku. had an AJK meeting semlm wit the stdnts - so many thgs discussed smlm. aku rasa bersalah jugak - as if dis sem., aku a bit 'jauh' and leaving em hanyut mcm tu je. not dat aku want to do dat - aku nyer core biz pun bersepah2, byk keje yg aku nak cope pun mcm tak tau bley ke tak.. *sigh*. hal Izani tak settle2 lagi - aku sdey, frustrated. aku had all the trust, the faith in him - dis is wat i get at the end of all dis. aku started to believe - mcm Apez always said - stdnt will always be a stdnt. tak pe la.. shait happens sometimes - and aku gotta go well wit it, well.


ok. mesyuarat done. i am leaving the building, now!


hav a pleasant day, peeps!







Monday, September 19, 2011

my (panic) buttons.









for yrs - i hav had many panic buttons - feeling unappreciated, feeling ignored, feeling like being used, feeling like i will never get wat i want, feeling  dat i din fit in and feeling like i will never be loved for who i am - and wat i am. 


but then - dat was like 2 yrs back. looking back - i am proud and blessed for wat i am havin now. and i thank God. but still - the panic buttons r there.


each one wld cause me to go to the fridge and look for immediate gratification. food has never turned me away. food never told me dat i wasnt good enuff or dat i wld never get wat i wanted out of life.


i knw the right choices. and the right solutions. but i jst cant help myself. everythg dat always sends me to the fridge w/o thinkin is always emotional. it is always s'thg dat makes me feel small, or not in control of my own life. i will always be the person who looks for the quick fix, and then falls back on the 'one real way' to do it.


my solution for dis, is to schedule my grocery shoppin as well as havin it as part of my monthly budget. if i can hav healthy foods in the fridge - i shld be able to make better choices. then - if i go to the fridge - there will be stuff there, ready and waiting for me. i maybe in panic mode - but i am more lazy than panicked any day. convenience over anythg else! sigh.


so wat r ur panic buttons? wat drives u to the fridge door w/o a look back at all the work and perseverance u've had? when will i (or u) be able to make the proper choice part of the new way i automatically do thgs? wat steps do i hav to take to get there?


and now dat i am havin a new, way bigger fridge there - in my kitchen. dammit i knw - deep in me keep sayin dis - i hav it big, definitely i'll stuff more in it. be it s/ada aku sedar. atau tidak sedar.


haish.










Sunday, September 18, 2011

fren-ship.












unguarded.





i smiled as i watched em. they were gigglin, chasin one another. round and round they went - ponytails bouncing, girly squeals filling the air. soon both their legs grew tired and they sat. i cld hear em chatting happily together as they played.


they had the house all to emselves. they cld run freely and leave their toys scattered around as they pleased. they shared thgs. they talked about Ultraman Taro and princesses dis and dat. they chatted about Dora and then about Damia's new pink shoes. u can simply see the bond is there. the friendship and such.


i tried to picture dis same exchange happenin to a couple adults. lets say u and a fren were sittin together havin a cuppa - and a new fren (someone u had never met) came over, pulled up a chair and joined in the conversation. lets say u had some 'toys like - maybe ur laptop or ur savvy handphone wit u and ur new fren casually picked em up and started playin wit em too. i am pretty sure strange looks wld be exchanged. nervous laugh perhaps. or maybe - a question like.. 'err, can i help u?', or 'sorry.. wat ur doin?'.


y children so carefree? so wiling to accept someone new? so loving? y is it so easy for the lil Damia to form frenshp and so painfully hard, for me?


truth be told - i hav trouble makin frens. i doesnt come easily for me. i've been hurt. and i am sure hav done some hurting as well. i've been rejected. and i am sure - perhaps - i've done some rejecting, too. i dun hav a lot of close frens. i hav lots of frens dat i knw, but not a lot who i wld show every side of me. i am afraid to show the ugly in me. to hav someone love me, in spite of it. to walk wit me. talk thru the rain filled seasons. be there. knw me. love me - for me.


it is my own fault. i dun knw how to open up to frenshp dat much. i dun knw how to love like my minimons do. to immediately welcome someone into my life, and share my toys wit em. to be real. darn i need to learn how to open my heart, like the minimonsters do.


i knw how to be real in writing. i knw how to articulate how i feel in words. but, sometimes - i think i hide behind dat.


sometimes i think its so much easier to lay it all out in dis blog and be vulnerable to u ppl out there than to open myself up in the face to face kinda relationshp. which is probably y i feel like u ppl knw me better then a lot of frens (who dun read my blog, i think) do. in all honestly - i am super-shy and afraid of wat ppl who DO knw me and read my blog, think of wat i write. i am always surprised and humbled when they mention they enjoyed somethg i wrote.


as we were walkin home from the playground the other day - the lil 4 yrs old Damia chirped, 'suka la kwn dgn Yap.. dia baik. Qilah suka dia'. so simple. so genuine. unguarded. unafraid. love. she's not worried about wat her so-called new fren thinks of her. she's not judgin how he looks or even how he acts. she jst welcomes his openly and shares his shovel. and for about an hr they play happily together and wave to one another when its time to go, wit 'esok dtg lagi' kinda thang. and i smiled.


i am learning how to love, from the mons. i am learning. 


how to accept others. how to be genuine. how let my guard down and not be afraid to let frens in. not to put my past, values on others - for dats so bloody not right. and how to truly build - frenshps.






truthfulness..








they say the truth will set u free. and u cant do it anymore. dis much is true - nbdy will not encourage u to fail. fears r realized. and theres no escape.


u then accept ur destiny. u were accused falsely. u had not adequate reserves. only faith. and jst a plain faith. u prayed to God above dat dis day shld never come - yet dis day is the answer to ur prayers. the worst is over - the agony was real. the hope is spent. and the pain was exhausted.


u appealed to higher 'authorities' n got sent into despair. 'ur on ur own. it sucks to be u..'. no support. ur screwed. but u knw God wld not abandon u/ u then found strength and recovery.


thru the dyin u became aware of sacrifice's meaning. wat of the future? u never knw. but ur grateful for the growth. in hindsight u can honestly say the loss was not in vain.


rest now. u can be still.



..











..






Friday, September 16, 2011

wat if..









i knw it aint rite. but ''wat if's'' hav always been a huge part of my life. for those of u who do not knw me well, i am obsessive about a number of thgs. cleanliness and organization bein two dat i am totally ok wit bein obsessive over. other 'wat if's'.. er, not so much la kot.


i can obsess about the 'wat if's' in an upcoming conversation, until i satisfied dat i've covered every possible answer wit a legitimate response. someone very important to me said - dat must be exhausting and truthfully - it is, dammit. i like to be prepared-if not over-prepared. i dun like to get caught off gaurd.. dat shows a lack of preparation. i think dats the part of the reason dat i am not overly thrilled wit wat i am doin now, for life. darn too many unknowns for me.


dat bein said - dis job i am havin lately (i was ok all dis while - but not now), is forcing me to let go of the thgs i obsess over. the preparation, knwing all the answers before i go into a meeting, the feelin confident b'coz i knw wat's coming. i beleive there is a reason for everythg, and may be - dats y i am in ere, at dis time in my life.


i've been thinkin about another 'wat if' lately, too. i wonder how different the world wld be if everyone saw themselves as others see em? kan? someone wrote some very kind words about me on her Tweet today, and to tell u the truth - i feel like she's describing someone else. duh. i am sorry. u see - i want it in the worst way, to be the person she describes - to FEEL like i am wat she sees. dat i own those descriptors. i think dats wat my journey shld be. its almost harder to hear good thgs about myself - than it is to hear bad thgs. darn i struggle to say thank you when i receive a compliment - and to not negate it by discounting it wit any other response.


i expct the bad thgs - dat is wat i am comfortable wit.. weird, i knw..  :-(


i hav always been able to say dat it wasnt true - dat i am not fat, dat i am not stupid, dat i will amount to somethg.. so if i deny the bad thgs someone says about me - how can i accept the good thgs? er, do u get wat i mean? darn i think i 'm lost too.


dis for me - is a lesson, one i hope i can learn.










er.. wat if,
wat?










lunges? i tot u said lunches? *dang*










i think my butt hurts.





and now - i am in pain. but strangely, i've missed it like a red-headed step child. my leg workout jst now was amazing. i hav to tell u dis - i hate doin legs. its absurd. and its painful. i remember walkin down the gym in agony. the legs like jelly - where my goal was to not fall down the stairs. but i hav no choice - i remember someone told me dat i hav the body, but not the legs. and my butt, sucks as well. dang.


up today at 6 am and at the gym by 7 for cardio for about 30mins., and the rest i spent on legs. hamstrings, butt-cheeks et al. the gym was kinda empty - ada la dlm 3 - 4 org je. and a few mirror freaks yg malas aku nak layan. biar la. perhaps kat rumah dorang tadak cermin - gedik nak cermin diri. angkat 2 - 3 reps., senyum sorg2 dpn cermin like the rest of 20mins. haha


btw - i decided to trim my goals for the next 2 months - kalo bley. i am goin to focus on my lower part. and my abs., dammit. i mean - i am not dreamin of 6 packs pun - at least the boroi-ness is not dat obvious pun dah cukup heaven for me. 


now - some plain truth - my truth dat is.. ugly truth! (boooo!!)


weight - 72.6kg (gampang nyer weight scale - baru je aku timbang last week 72kg je!)


i gained weight, i knw. but Bryan the PT told me if i do after dis - perhaps it is becoz of the muscles. wit a consideration - aku tak mkn mcm kuda. my lowest weight last yr was 68kg (jer) and i crashed and burned. but dats ok. i am back and life is about lessons, isnt it? (boooo!). but then - like everythg else in life - aku learn to cope, and find a better way. aku dun wanna look like those yg berketul2 otot ere and there, pose like now and then (and send it to the FB for ppl to comment), no. i jst wanna hav my confidence of bein myself, back on track. where i can put on like anythg at all, and they fit me well. where i can walk like jst myself, w/o bein suffocate - holdin back my breath like shait. heh.

so tadi - after back from mamak, laundry, mandi and such - aku take my measurements again. and narrow down my workout and fitness goals - tryin to keep em simple, at a minimum so i dun lose focus.


workout plan (boooooooooo!) -

  1. go to the gym a min of 4 times a week, using the workout plans aku cepek from the net. incldg 20 - 30mins of cardio each visit, and either the lower, upper and core, or strictly abs and arms workout, each time. and i am gonna make sure Bryan is around, so worth of paying him all single cents!
  2. take my measurements each months, and scale myself of the bloody wt-scale. if there'll be no changes wit the weight scale numbering - i am goin to campak dis one to the lombong, and get myself a new one.

fitness and health goals (boooooooooooooo!) -
  1. keep to my diet plan. rice as minimum la.. susah sgt, aku tau.. argkhh. and yeah - wit one slip allowed per week.. (nthg too extravagant, mind u!)
  2. 6 - 8 bottles of water, per day. mati la. kena pasang catheter lepas ni.
  3. get back to the vitamins. and i hate taking pills. cemaneh?

i've decided i need to get back to the basics, and keep my head and my heart out of the mix. i'll do wat i can, the best dat is. if only i cld jst send my body to the gym - damn i wld probably be the most physically fit person around!

 
ok. enuff is enuff. wat? open house - 3 days in a row? shait.








Thursday, September 15, 2011

Malaysia Day! er, i mean - off day yay!!








hectic day, dat is. aku shld be on the road to Tapah and Slim River for clinical teaching - but coupla thgs tak izin kan aku from doin so - masalah stdnt aku yg tak selesai2, rumit and aku serabut. preparation for dis Saturday and Sunday nyer classes (keji kan? org cuti aku kena keje..), meetings yg aku perlu attend and tunggang langgang since internet down kat office - nak keje pun pyh. so - aku din go for clinical visits - reschedule la jwb nya. so - next week - aku kena more on the road. dang.


ptg - its raining. aku rasa malas yg amat nak ke gym. but then - since aku dah janji dgn si Bryan for today - aku kena buat chest - aku gigih la jugak. lunch tak amek - giler nyer Bryan asek superset superset.. aku rasa nak pitam. nak je aku lari - but then, aku managed. bosan jgk - tp at the same time, aku thank God. kalo tak kena push mcm ni, sah2 la aku makin PJK. byr gym mahal2, tp haram nak pi work-out. by Maghrib - aku smpai rumah. sakit bdn Tuhan je tau.


and aku lapar giler.


gez wat in mind? pizza. its been days since aku dok teringat pizza and Deli Wings. so - Pizza Hut lah aku mlm ni. w'pun aku tau - it was such a 'sin' pi mkn such thang.. tp who cares? dah teringin, aku shld go ahead je lah! so - Deli Wings 4 pieces, and soup. no pizza. yes! haha.. tu pun dah cukup buat aku tersandar, let alone feelin a bit 'bersalah'. haha.. time dah kenyang baru nak rasa bersalah bagai. tak de makne nye.


---


thgs r gonna be back as usual starting today. and i am glad!


Ghaz - Happy Krabi-ing. Wan, Happy Singaporing. Azman - welcome back home! aku? heh.


owh, btw - Happy Malaysia Day. dulu Merdeka, now Malaysia Day plak. erm, tak pe la. watever it is - its a Public Holiday. hahaha.. i gez dats all dat matters. erk, tak patriotik kah aku? nah, dun judge me! hehe








Wednesday, September 14, 2011

cry?














a strong person is not the one who doesnt cry.
its ok to cry.
a strong person is the one who knws 
how to be quiet
and shed tears for a moment
and then picks up his sword..
and fight again.









head home.

Its the end of the day. Nthg in mind. Aku jst wanna be home, hav my warm bath, jump in my boxer, lazying infrnt of the idiotbox. And feel secure of being myslf, in my own place. I never spent such a long time, arnd ur own boss (she's not my boss anyway, she's the head of Anatomy and i aint from the same dept.) when ur up to a point theres nthg left to talk on - u started to talk abt stuff like fmly, and few other thgs yg mls aku nak talk about. She's a she, watdya expct? But aku managed to pull thru, and i thk she felt well comfort enuf wit me arnd. Damn aku wish Amer ke, Ajak ke wld be arnd. Bley aku blah buat hal msg2. But then - KLCC. Not my kinda place pun. Had my bavarian dunot and turkey roast sandwich kat Dunkin Donut r&r Tapah, aku kenyang giler. Nak tdo, tak plak rasa nak lena. Must be the kafien i had tdi. Heh. Yes! 2km to Smpg Pulai. Dah tak jauh. Yay.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

scan?








s'times we go thru life, unsure of wat we really want and where we wanna go. and we start to think - dat we just exist. we go wit the flow. deal wit life as we knw it.


but the question it - r we really happy? r we following our dreams, or merely settling? r we jst go on wit life, living some other ppl's dreams and letting go our own? wat r we in dis world anyway? do we hav a symbol dat labels us?


s'times i wish theres a symbol barcode scanner dat wld scan us - so we'd knw how much we r worth as a person in dis world. i mean - theres a meaning to life, definitely. but we shld knw how to find it. and live it well.


live life to the fullest. u knw wat dat mean.


---


nothg biggie. jst some kinda trash come across my mind and it happens dat i am in front of the lappy.


hitting my crib now. gnite, fellas!




creep.








been a while since aku last update the blog. been thru coupla thgs but too, but its not somethg dat i really wanna put it into words pun. tak pe lah. somethg in life - sometimes - r not meant to be remember pun. so - aku jst move on je la.


esok aku will be off to KL - ada lawatan bersama stdnts to Muzium Anatomi kat HUKM. aku and bos Jabatan Anatomi & Fisiologi - Puan Rosnah r goin. aku sebenarnya tak de kena mengena pun - tp Ameer mintak tolong since tak ramai lecturer lelaki yg free to go wit em all pun. so since aku tak de kelas, tak de clinical teaching - better off lah. and bygkan - esok 5am bus dah nak jalan. wat time aku kena ada kat kolej? and wat time aku nak bgun? aiyoooo.. tp tak pe. yg penting aku tak drive. while the driver is doin his thang - aku will definitely off for my MuMuLand lah, until smpai KL.



basically aku a bit sedih dgn one of my own stdnt (kumpulan jagaan aku) - being so manipulative lately. he's kinda close to me. aku dah bg byk chances for him to change, tp apparently - he did not, even a bit. but getting worst. langsung tak respect me as wat i am. aku tau - respect is somthg yg u gain, not deserve. aku tak kisah pun kalo stdnt tak respect aku.. tp membelakangi aku bila buat keputusan yg ada kena mengena dgn peraturan dan sebagainya - aku sgt2 tka berkenan. aku bley cover. bley tlg setakat mana yg mampu. tp kalo dah mcm ni - nak tunjuk belagak, belang, ego tak tentu hala, menipu aku as if aku ni bodoh dan jahil - it is somethg yg aku tak bley terima. and frankly speaking - aku rasa btol2 tercabar. aku sdey. aku geram. menyampah pun ada. tak tau la.


trust me. i can be a good fren. i can be terribly nice to ppl. and yet - at the same time - u dun want me to be mean. for u'll regret it, God sake.



biar la - masa dpn masing2. aku cuma penyelaras. selaras the stdnts, the needs, kebajikan and such. other than dat - they r some grown-ups. they shld be acting like one.


---


goin off for a rumah terbuka kwsan kejiranan lama aku. punah la diet aku. baru je decided tak mo mkn nasik.


bley?








Friday, September 9, 2011

pics.












mak, abah
and Soleh yg duduk bersimpuh.
hehe






mak and abah.







Damia and Haziq;
the monmon.







Kimie, Areeyna 
and lil Dammy.







to name a few of the best ppl in my life .
i love em all. i love em all - wit all my freakin.
even if ur not in the pic - 
well i do, too.






happy birdie!











its yr day - yr birthday!
wishing u all the very best in life, insyaAllah.
sorry i hav to put it up ere - i cant post anythg at all, on ur wall. heh.









Thursday, September 8, 2011

kunci. bumbung. Spiderman.











ni la tingkap yg 
aku pechakan padlock tadik..
intantly - aku replaced wit a new one.
a better, stronger padlock ofkozz!





i knw shait happens sometimes. and i knw there'll always be a first time for everythang in life. but dammit - i need not dis one lah! dis is so bloody not me - knwing; i am kinda 'gayat' or scared of height, dammit shait.


after Maghrib - aku decided to go out for a dinner. it was like 8pm, awal lagik. aku grab a bunch of keys - and tarik pintu dpn - aku dah tekan kunci dr dalam. and only then aku realized.. fcuk! kunci tertinggal kat dlm! kete aku parking kat luar. even other cars yg parking kat dlm pun wldnt change a thang, since pagar pun berkunci. and kunci pagar attached together dgn kunci rumah. and yeah - kunci rumah, kat dlm rumah! sakit jiwa tak? ofkozz sakit jiwa. sgt2. aku dah gelabah. theres no kunci at all wit me - except kunci kete Honda aku yg di luar pagar! aku melilau depan ke belakang, belakang ke dpn rumah tgk sliding door tepi and depan kot2 aku bley bukak. grill pintu dapur sah2 la tak bley. sliding door dpn and tepi pun bergrill. pintu dpn ni je yg aku tak sempat kunci grill, tp dah terkunci dr dlm. hampir sejam aku buntu - jiran2 most of em dah dlm rumah, and yg dkt2 ramai yg tak smpai rumah lagi. 


finally - aku got the chance to be another hero of the day - Spiderman! aku nekad panjat bumbung dr dpn porch, meniti atas atap genting yg tinggi tu - catwalk ke tingkat sisi rumah. since tingkat there terbuka, and all i gotta do is - pechakan padlock grill and masuk. another first time thang in life aku buat mlm ni, selain panjat bumbung - pecah padlock, guna dis besi aku amek dr beg kete aku kat porch. 5 - 6 kali hentak, barai padlock. senang kan? senang la sgt! lagik senang kalo ada kunci, arsehole. aku bukak gril, masuk rumah, turun bwh.. and tadaaaaaaaaa.. bukak pintu yg terkunci tu - dr dlm rumah. keji kan?


and aku ended up berpeluh2 kalah those ppl yg rompak org kat kedai mamak 24hrs tu. still gigih redah bwk kete pi KFC, since lapar giler.


aku dah smpai rumah. aku telepon ngah - nyesal since kena gelak. fine! gelak la. gelak.


yg penting - aku jadik Spiderman tadik. and aku shldve do the somersault je terjun dr bumbung, tadik.. after save the day. and aku shldve pasang lampu - so dat jiran2 yg berkurung dlm rumah, nampak aku panjat bumbung in short, and do the somersault, after dat. curlustt tak? tetap kan? haha

heh. over lah! gnite, ppl.







Wednesday, September 7, 2011

answered.







Ya Allah;


You answered my another prayer today. and i am so grateful! dis means so much to me, more than i even realize. more than anythg at all. dis is a chance for me to prove to everyone dat i can do it. and i can do it well. dis is my chance to grow, and prove to myself dat i hav wat it takes. Alhamdulillah.


i am both scared and excited rite now - but one thg dat i knw - i am goin to make mak abah proud of me, and i will definitely keep my promises - i wont forget em. i cld never gone dis far - w/out u, Ya Allah.


You made dis happen. and i cant thank You anuff. pls be wit me in dis new journey. for wit You by my side, Ya Allah - i knw i'll be more than ok.


Ameen Ya Rabbal'alamin.







soul-wat?





someone in the office (and its a 'she') was talking about a 'soul mate'. i cld hear it from the opened door. perempuan - kalo tak bersembang suara pelan2, and moncong2 molot like bley sangkut timba - mmg tak sah! heh.


and she makes me thinking. soul mate? soul-wat? its been ages since i heard dat word. its a strong word yeah. and it means a lot, as well. but again - soul-wat?





i gez soul mate is someone who has locks dat fit ur keys. and keys to fit our locks. haha.. sounds funny. but - to think about it again, btol la kan? watdya think?  its like when we feel safe enuff tp open the locks, our tuest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we r - jst like dat - we can be loved for who we r and not who we r pretending to be. and each - unveils the best part of the other.



ppl mght think a soul mate is yr perfectly fit, and dammit - dats wat everyone wants. kan? but a true soul mate is like a mirror, the person who shows u everythg dat is holding u back - the person who brings u to ur own attention - so u can change  ur life, well. a soul mate is probably the most important person u'll ever meet - trust me - for they tear down ur walls and smack u hell awake. a soul mate's purpose is to shake u up, tear apart ur ego a lil bit, show u ur obstacles and addictions, break ur heart open so a new so-called light can get ot, make u so out of control dat u got no choice - but to transform ur life.


smile if u want. hell i went thru all dat, swear to God.


no matter wat else goes around us - wit dat one person - darn we r safe in our own paradise. our soul mate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. he/she knws dat ur in deep shait, w/o u need to tell a thang. he/she  shares the same tot, feelings and such. and its like - when we r two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances r we've found the right person.


our soul mate - is the one who makes life, come to life. i knw it well.. and i knw how it is. and if u ever hav one - darn u go treasure it well. for its not somethg dat u can find it, like everyday. and everywhere.


i wish i cld reached out to the open door, and tell her regarding dis. 


i wish.







ga ga.










its Samsung Galaxy S Plus 
GT 19001




*wink wink*







Tuesday, September 6, 2011

one of those days.













hav u ever had one of those days where u hate the whole world?
everythg seems to be so fcukin fake -
dat u feel like running away?
and anythg dat happens - even a slightest thang;
makes u wanna break down, and cry.










Monday, September 5, 2011

Mon-shitty-day.








argkhh!




..but the fact is - aku alrdy at work. smpai awal pun. nak bgun pagi was a satu hal, lepas Subuh tadik aku siap tersadai jap atas katil in towel. argkhh.. nasib baju keje and suar sumer dah iron. smpai ofc - nobdy even there yet. aku tau - awal lagik. tp usually, ada yg lebih awal dr aku pun!


aku nak muntah tgk file2 atas meja. bukak pc - aku lagik meluat knowing dat the same problem i am facin late last nite - is still there. somethg is wrong wit my linkage between FB and Twitter. its like if u post a Tweet on ur Twitter, FB tak update apa2 pun kat wall aku. argkhh. i knw it aint a big deal - tp i've been enjoyin posting my Tweets and aku need not to update my FB dah - its like ur able to do 2 thgs at a time. now no more. and i hate knwing dat tho aku dah buat as per ordered to get rid of the prob., the prob is still there. wat else? heh. baru je nak seronok2 Tweeting, w'pun ada org tak berkenan!


feverish still. idung dah kurang sket. light-headed yeap. 

aku rasa mcm nak sorok bwh meja je time2 mcm ni.

darn i hate Monday.









Sunday, September 4, 2011

home, yeap!






finally i am home. after like 6 plus hrs on the road. byk kete, but moving. aku exhausted dgn driver2 yg mcm palat potong sebelah kiri while theres only one lane, and yg lepak sebelah kanan tp bwk mcm kekura. tu tak termasuk yg potong q segala mala. tensi gilak. berkodi2 jugak aku termaki2 dis and dat. but alhamdulillah, wit only sekali je berenti (kat Kati, for solat) aku selamat smpai rumah seketul as Kman said. in one piece la tu. kejis.


esok keje. dun ask me how i feel, for i dun feel like talkin about it pun.


lama dah aku tak update blog ni thru proper channel - from lappy, netbook aku rosak la plak charger dia, hav to go and find a new replacement. owh, btw - aku dah ketagih ber-Twitter skang. i mean - Tweet thgs, yeah. i think its simple and sweet. u can jst Tweet watever feels to, watever u want to, or pe2 yg terlintas there and there. jst like dat. kalo blog, jenuh nak berkarangan plak, eh? so if u see my FB-wall, byk yg aku sent thru TwimGo, apps yg aku guna for Tweet-ing. but dat doesnt mean aku'll stop blogging. i love writing. and i'll go on doin dis insyaAllah. btw - if u want to follow me, or watever it is on Twitter - go get @hardique. dats me.


still demam. batuk jst gets in. selesema mcm pili paip bomba yg bocor. i hate dis, really.


gnite!






down wit fvr.

Aku feel weak. Ngantuk. I was slept well earlier, under drugs, tp by 3am - aku tjaga abruptly few times wit the feeling of nauseated, and vomitted twice. There goes all my dinner, my med into the sink bowl. Done wit Subuh. Done gerak minimons for solat as well. Liat sekor2. Lantak la, aku dah gerak. Thk of havin a short crash now. Gnite.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

roti chanai. finally!

I've been craving 4 it for days now. But i was kinda bz wit all kinda foods time2 raya ni.. until aku smpai Tumpat where aku sort of thkg its gonna difclt to find mamak in ere. Pg tdi, bgn2 je tdo, aku teringatkan roti chanai. Plus gulai kari ikan. It has to be banjir, engulfing all the hot garing roti chanai. And it has to be mamak's. Ermm.. how? So aku bgun, mandi. Gigih ni, sejuk2 mandi jgk. Nak kuar cari roti chanai katanya. Siap2, aku kuar. Bscally, sumer org dok golek2 lg. Smpai Cbg Empat Tok Mek Ngoh, aku had few choices. Splendid nasik berlauk on the left side of the road, or a plain idup tak nak mati pun tok sey kdai roti chanai on the right of the road. And aku chose roti chanai. The road, damn - freaky-licious. Tp kuah - fail. No kari ikan, of coz. Kari ayam cair, tak rasa kari. And kuah dal - double fail. Cair giler. Tasteless. Aku ended up cicah kari ayam je, and 2 bjk settled. I gez its better than nthg at all. Mcm mek aku ckp, 'half a loaf is better than none'. Eh? Heh.

Friday, September 2, 2011

how to ride a bicycle.

Aku baru balik Jumaat when aku found one of the minimon was crying at the door, sort of waiting for me to comfort her. Asked why, she told me dat 'ayah cik goyang beskal bila adik kayuh, adik takut' kinda thang. Aku squatted down, hold her and told her dat its ok, and dat 'ayah cik melawak aje', tho aku din knw wats the real story. Looking at her weeping, aku was like smiling away. Aku ingat time kechik2 dulu how abah ajar aku naik beskal. Abah sgt stern dgn anak2 dia, no bulshait. And bila aku tgk kwn2 sumer pusing2 to kuarters tpt kita tggal dulu tu, aku mula merenget2 dgn mak, mtk abah bought me one. And aku hav to wait like mths 4 it, whch aku fhm why. Aku was 5 bck then. Abah bought me bicycle kecik yg ada 2 extra tayar fixed kat tayar blkg. Aku was so happy, it was beyond words. It was 2 bln je aku got the chance enjoying wit 4 tayar, when abah tanggal tayar kecik sblh, making me susah nak imbang bdn while do the cycling. But then, i was a kid. Seronok got me beyond anythg at all, and aku bley plak kayuh beskal mcm tu je - 2 tayar biasa, wit a small tayar fixed at sblh kiri. And abah was watching me, wit out my knwing. Then it happened one day, bila tiba2 abah decided to buang tayar kecik tu, tggal 2 tayar whch made it a real 'bicycle'. Aku was afraid, chicken out. Smggu aku tak sentuh beskal, when finally abah intervened. Aku ingat when one ptg when he was way nicer than usual, ajak aku 'belajar naik beskal' and ajak aku to one of the small curam dpn rmh. Aku kayuh, and abah pgg seat belakang when suddenly he let me go down the slope, jst like dat. Aku was thrilled, but the bicycle went out of cntrol dat aku jatuh, and calar lutut. Aku rmbr how mak looked at me helplessly dat i knew she wanted to help, but she cant. And aku rmbr seeing abah had no reaction at all, dat i was crying, and had to stand up wit the bicycle beside me, and ready to go the cycle again. Abah tak marah, yet he din say a word. Dat nite, sblm tdo mak pujuk aku, put some minyak angin kat lutut aku, whispering words dat comfort me - telling how abah and mak loves me, and how i shld nvr ever giv up, no matter wat. 2 days after dat, aku finally able to cycle arnd wit no help, at all. Lutut aku still berparut. And aku thank God for the whole thang. Aku still ingat kata2 mak dat nite, how she wipe my tears while i was weeping, sakit luka dek minyak angin. And aku syg abah even more now, for i can see all the wats, and the why now. Aku put the minimon back atas her bicycle seat, and make her cycle arnd wit a bit of confidence. I am glad seeing her smiling. Shes jst 4 yo. And shes learning. I knw i hav no guts like abah. But at least, i am trying - in my own difrnt way.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

nanyte..

For some reason, i cant wait for trow morn., so when ppl r working - i'll hav a great ordinary day. When u hav s'one who cares for u. Think of u. Like u jst do. And for some reason too, i cant wait to get out of ere.. yeap, i used to enjoy the lazy-ness when i am in kg ere. But dis time arnd, i am not. Aku rasa serba tak kena. God knws how it feels inside. And damn, its been 3 days now. Erm, i shall wrap up thgs now. Crashing time. G'nite peeps.

3rd ra-ra.

Its the 3rd raya. Ntg much. And i am in Tumpat. Literally, i am a dead meat in ere. Nthg to be done, except mkn, tdo, do some reading, mandi and the cycle goes on and on again. Aku do some mobile internet now and then (i Tweet most of the time) and theres no 3G pun. Internert slow giler.. Mati akal aku. Nak turun bendang.. mmg tak la kot. Haha.. So aku stay put, and most - aku do some reading je. Nak pi KB? Never. Aku serik trapped dlm jam, and had to deal wit all these notorious crazy nyer driver. Heh. Biar la aku jadi bdk baik, stay rumah je.. Basically aku dah bosan dgn dgn lemang ketupat ketupit et al. Aku tgk kueh2 raya pun, tak de rasa pun nak sentuh. Semua rasa sepesen je.. Esok few ofmy stdnts nak ajak outting for amek2 gmbr, dkt2 tokong tergolek tu around ere. Kao dorg ajak la.. Kalo tak, aku lepak rumah je la. Ramai org dtg rumah, tp ramai yg aku tak kenal. So, the conversation tend to go so superficial, and aku started to hate it. Breaking the ice is aint dat easy, trust me. At the end of the day - aku feel kinda empty deep in me. I hav time for myself, most of the time. But then.. Ntah la. And the nothg-ness, its beyond explaination.