Friday, May 27, 2011

jolly molly.









imagine dis. a whole one day class - dat is 6hrs of classes - aku cut short jadik 2hrs je. wld dat be nice? as for me - it is damn bloody nice. and the stdnts r jolly molly too. i gez dats y they love me and my classes. as long as they get wat they shld be getting - dats all dat matters. after all - Descriptive Statistics - pe nak kepoh2 bengkel bagai? make it short. and sweet. and ptg ni - aku bg a bit of tgsan to do on their own, and selesaikan urusan masing2 dgn penyelia masing2. abes cer.


Jumaat. lunch dulu. saper nak ikut?














venti-argkh-lation.








woke up at 4.30am dis morning. changed bedroom - aku golek2 kat bilik belakang, trying to sleep a lil bit more. looking at the jam kat dinding - damn its way too early still. tp mata dah tak bley nak pejam pun. i had nthg in mind - except for aku feel a bit kinda anxious for some reason. tossing up and down - aku finally made up my mind to jump outta the bed - and its 5.15am in the morn. lantak la.. pi balik pi balik kang dah 6am, i told to myself. mandi2, solat pe patut, and ere i am mengadap the lappy - din knw wat to do, where to go et al.


aku will hav a class on Descriptive Statistics, for budak2 sem 5 all day today. sounds scary, but i'll keep it simple. dis budak2 r not gonna do thesis pHd war ever not they'll be doin some sort of HSR - kinda introduction for em all in doin a plain research. kalo nak ikut Elen - mati la. he and his idealistic bloody theoretical literature review - argkh, its a pain in the arse to hav a big boss like him, God sake. i wish he'd be normal a bit. stop bein so idealistic, be a bit realistic jst for a sec pun dah bley aku buat kenuri.. haish. imagine - we r not allowed to take any annual leaves aka cuti dibekukan for the whole bulan May, and from wat i heard from Mr Bong semlm - he'll do the same for June - since sibuk nak pindah ke KSKB and such. bitch. its a school holidays la, fool. w'pun aku tak de anak berskol etc - tp aku tau how it is. nak pindah, pindah la.. wat about kebajikan ur staf etc? penat aku fikir, syiot. and shait - y suddenly aku membebel pasal ni plak? argkh.


semlm Mr Hari panggil aku by the time aku lalu dpn bilik dia. he was like, 'Shah, i heard u mengamuk all the juniors tak pi clinical?' kinda thang. aku senyum sendiri. yes, mission aku accomplished. aku remember aku sembang2 plain je dgn Mr Bong - and aku tau how Mr Bong go around and shooo all the junior lecturers to the ward and do the bedside teaching.. and aku tau dis thg will definitely goes up to Mr Hari as Timb. Pengarah (Akademik). and u knw wat? dammit aku cldnt careless. lantak la. peduli apa aku. junior tak junior. senior pun kalo kureng aku sagat je.. aku perasan how dis Puan Y tarik muka dgn aku time selisih bahu kat parking lot. hahaha.. ada aku kesah? dlm rooster ko patut kat wad, ko buat pejadah kat ofis? ngulat? buat2 bz? kawat ke hulu ke hilir? ko baru tak smpai sethn keje, heh - dis is me; dah more than 6yrs larr.. aku tau how it is. its jst dat budak2 aku yg kat pra-klinikal, so aku la kena cover dr Tingkat 1 sampai Tingkat 8? walhal jadual supervising dah ada.. hohoho.. no way i am gonna keep my mouth shut lah. and aku told Mr Hari dat aku 'bukan ngamuk', tp aku 'geram' and felt so annoyed. nak ngulat - kena cerdik la sket. jadual ko kat wad, ko kat ofis do nothg - and org tau dat very well. saper nak jwb?


erm, wat a ventilation early in the morn. sorry if dis effects u ppl la plak. i need to dump all dis shait in ere - seblm aku off to work la kot. hehe..


er, btw - hav a good TGIF!!











Thursday, May 26, 2011

yo~




woke up at 3.30am, i cldnt sleep anymore. so i spent some time in my reading room, kemas bilik study and put aside all those books yg aku dah guna, journals and such. finally aku managed to come across few thgs yg selama ni aku dok cari, but i cldnt find since i cant remember kat mana aku campak. keji kan? time nak pakai, jenuh mcm org gila mencari - tak jumpak2.. tup2 ari bley plak jumpak, elok je dlm timbun buku2 tepi lappy aku yg bagak neh.. so meja study dah kemas - semangat plak dah rasa. perhaps aku shld consider nak smbg study balik.. dah nak masuk setahun since aku finished my last study. since offer byk tgh bukak skang - i think i shld do somethg.


i am not goin to the ward today - ada sesi defend proposal budak2 research neh dis morning. or dis afternoon? erm, lupa. need to go and see the schedule. tp mmg ari ni lah. and aku need to prepare slides for trow nye talk as well. so i mght as well spend time kat office je la kot - let all the juniors deal wit the posting kat ward..


its a brand new day. i think i mght be writing more, in ere after dis insyaAllah. i hav so many ample time, yeah. i must say dat aku kinda rindu to gat back there.. but then again, tak pe lah.


hav a productive Thursday ya'all!




Wednesday, May 25, 2011

g'nite!








reached home by 5 somethg. shldve been in way earlier, but aku stop kat KPJ for i din feel dat good, and i dun wanna waste my time pergi balik for some silly reason. and as usual - by the time aku home; aku feel so damn tired - physically and mentally. aku feel like to crash, but then - aku jst cldnt closed my eyes. theres too many thgs marching up my mind and aku feel so hopeless for i jst cant 'switch off' my mind from runnin around wit thgs.


ended up at Dataran MBI for dinner. aku wanted to go there for Soup Mak Endah, tp smpai sana tak selera plak.. so aku minum2 je.


its kinda weird to hav ur phone in hand wit the ability to get connected to the internet - but for the first time, today - aku din see any reason y shld i. aku keep havin the phone in hand and gatal tangan to get connected wit Opera, but then - aku realized dat aku no more 'there' and i aku need not, anymore. apart of me - aku rasa kinda sunyi, down. its weird to not be able to see wats goin on around me, 'in there'. and wats goin on wit others. but another part of me - aku rasa bebas, aku rasa so 'lapang' dat i dun knw how to explain - for i need not to knw thgs i need not to knw. and along the way home - for the first time aku din hav the phone in my other hand; keep on checking dis and dat - and aku jst drive and listen to the radio.


tak pe lah. i'll stay dis way. i cant promise for how long - for i dun knw how its gonna be like trow. but as far as i concern - i am doin ok. i've caused so much trouble in there. i've suffocated ppl, i've made others feel restricted. i kinda paranoid now and then. and i knw it aint do good. i hardly keep promises to myself - i ended running in circle and forcing others so, too. i've worried too much, and aku started to feel like as if i am a stalker. it aint good. i knw.


so - i am letting dis go. and some others, too. i feel sad still. i feel bad. i dun choose to opt dis. but at least - dis is the least thg dat i can do; for me to mend the whole shyte. tak pe lah. i knw the consequences - but its ok. i am ready for any of it.


gnite.

clinical, nasik ayam et al.









had a good day at work. i jst deal wit thgs i need to do, and dats wat i've been doin for the whole working hrs, today. theres coupla thgs bothering me a bit - ere and there; but then again - i gez dats the way it is.. so no matter how sad i was jst now - i am proud of myself dat i managed to put up a good nice face infront of the students, alhamdulillah.


started my day by doin some clinical teaching/bedside teaching kat Ward 1B - aku hav like 4 gals posted there. i am glad they've 'transformed' a bit on their 3rd days now - they r more proactive now, asked a lot of q's dis and dat.. aku cld see they communicate well among themselves and wit all the nurses, the docs and the others too. they r no more 'drip stand', standing by a corner - figuring out wat to do, and looked so blur as if wondering why la the ward so damn bz yet 'aku tatau nak buat apa' kinda thg. we discussed coupla thgs - a bit on nursing procedures, vital signs, terminologies et al. damn i am glad to see the gals r eager to knw more! and the day went on like dat - to 2A, 4A, 5A and 5B, 6B and finally medical wards 7A and 7B plus 8B.


by 12pm, aku dah penat naik tangga from tgkt 1 up to paling atas tgkt 8. but i swear to God - i never feel so happy like dis before - seeing the boys and gals enjoying, learning new thgs - the eagerness in em all, brings sort of smile on my face. some of em even sort of feelin frustrated since byk procedure tak bley buat - watdya expect? they r Thn 1 Sem 1. kinda funny too.


had a lunch kat kafe je. Encik Hakimi joined me for a lunch - we had a good chit chat. and i am glad. he's someone yg aku kenal thru FB, for a yr plus now - but never get the chance to meet up. a one nice guy, simple, down to earth, soft spoken - i had a great time talkin to him about most of the thang under the sun. it feels like ages since i last had sort of conversation, God sake. i mean - basically. i was down wit coupla thgs in life - and i gez i jst need someone i cld talk to. w'pun tadi aku hardly talk about wat went wrong (its me after all), but then - i am glad. thanks, Kimi! hope to catch ur makcik's nasik ayam next time around.. and not tadik nyer nasik ayam.. its like.. err. btw - thanks for the meal! hehe


---


i dun wats wrong wit me. i feel like i am runnin in a circle. i never feel so insecure like dis before, and i hate it so much - i dun knw how to tell. i am tryin so hard to get rid of it, to face it - for i knw i can do better - but it looks like its me alone fighting for it; to fight against my bloody insecurity. i dun knw y, but sometimes i feel like givin up - the insecurity in me, me myself et al. i've brought so much damage to those around me, and it hurts me as well. i wish i cld hav someone standing beside me, helping me out, together fighting for me to get settled wit the issue. or perhaps - dis is life. u hav to fight for ur own thang.


i dun knw. darn i am so confuse.









Tuesday, May 24, 2011

keep walkin.




jst walk.







'sometimes u hav to be strong for urself.. u hav to knw dat ur a good person and a good fren. wats meant to be will end up good and wats not - wont. love is a worth fighting for - but sometimes, u jst cant be the only one fighting.. while the other one wld sit and watch. at times - ppl need to fight for u. but if they dun - u jst hav to move on and realize wat u gave em more than they were willing to giv u.


coz if they dun chase u when u walk away, well i gez - u still gotta keep on walking then..'










fcukin fairytale.
















..






after all said and done - i still think ur amazing. ppl said i am an idiot. ppl keep on saying 'poor u..' and 'u deserve better than dis..' kinda thang. but i dun knw - i still do think ur awesome. i still cherish every moment i spent wit u, every smile u brought to my silly face. i'll be forever thankful dat s'one like u was brought into my life - even u keep on hurting me, even u keep making me feels like killin u. even if u had to be taken away too soon.


see - u were my miracle. tho i hardly believe in one. u were the fairytale i got to live.












used? being used?








suddenly aku rasa muak, meluat, jelik and such. wit so many thgs around me. wit ppl, wit thgs et al. and dats one of the reason aku blah dr clinical area - dtg ke ofc to finish works since bdk2 research bwh aku sibuk dok texting me for sort of appointment.


alhamdulillah, i am done. think of leaving the office now. i need sort of outlet to let go all dis bulshyte in me. and i think i am heading for the gym.


i am tired of ppl using others for fun. to fulfill their own dreams. i am tired wit ppl who love to use words - selling sweet words as if tak de pe2 and all those words r jst words, nothg beyond dat. i am tired wit ppl yg used words - and they dun knw wat they r sayin. all dis manipulative ppl r sick and i need to stay away, God sake. i need no complication in life. no more.


i gez dats the way it is la kot. dats life is. ppl r being used, some ppl love to be used. some ppl love to used others. and i need not to think all dis bulsyhte no more.


see ya!










Monday, May 23, 2011

i miss you.












nyte!






for whom dis may concern - i knw ur hardly read dis (my blog dat is) anymore. but perhaps, once in a blue moon, u wld. and u will read dis as well. and i hope - u'll understand.


g'nite, pumpkin. i cant wait to hear of u trow. its not normal to not hav u as part of my life. being away from u - has made me want to be wit u even more. u mght find dis funny, u mght find dis cliche and meaningless - but at least, dats how i feel. and dats how exactly how i feel. as for me - ur one truly r a remarkable person. i've never met anyone like u. ur so special, and so precious to me. and its definitely, physically hurts me to think of u mght be wit someone else, then me.


ur perfect to me. and i knw u've said dat u think u hav to live up to being perfect - b'coz i see u dat way. but u dun. its not any of the big thgs dat make u special - its the lil ones. a glance, a touch. a sweet nthgness, ur jokes - damn u knw how to make me laugh.. its those lil thgs dat keep me falling in love wit u - over and over again. its the lil thgs dat count.


i dun see how any other ppl wldnt want to be wit u. now dat i understand. u deserve the best - and i hope i'm good enuff even as i type dis - i can feel u around me, and i love it. i hope dis puts a smile on ur face - b'coz it makes u so damn beautiful.


sweet dreams, pumpkin. i miss u. and u knw i do.










pre-clinical HRPB.









first day of pre-clinical posting for the boys and gals. aku plak yg tak berapa lena tido - been havin lot of thgs in mind lately, plus all dis work thang. wat if the posting went haywire? wat if there'd be problems in between? wat if dis and wat if dat. but then - alhamdulillah, thgs went well. all the stdnts seemed to enjoy themselves - learning, facing new thgs. of coz - at first - masing2 mcm kaku, kaget, not knwing wat to do, wat to say and such.. and i believe they jst need some motivation, some guidance and some support - and dats wat aku gave em all thru out the whole day - dari tingkat 1 up to tingkat 8. tercungap2 jap catching breath - tp aku puas hati. seeing their faces - the shine one it, the smile of satisfaction in learning new thgs - dah cukup buat hilang penat lelah aku. cuma aku terkilan dgn few junior lecturers and CIs; yg nampak awal2, but towards the end of it - aku sort of tersedar yg aku buat keje sorang - terkejar2 from one ward to another.. aku din mean to complain. tp aku kecik ati sket.


reached home by 6pm. nothg back at home. aku suddenly feel kinda empty. i mean - dat how i feel lately. no - dis got nthg to do wit watever went around me. or wit whoever dat is. its jst my feeling. thgs r way different now. i feel kinda 'loose'. and i hate dat kinda feeling. perhaps - dats the way it is. ppl change. thgs change as well. nthg wld stay the way it is - forever. tho God knws how i really want it to be dat way - remains un-changed.


---


aku terserempak dgn Kimi kat ward. wanted to hav sort of words wit him - but i bet he's bz as bee. perhaps - maybe one day we can catch a cuppa kat kantin spital eh?


---


physically, mentally tired. need to iron baju keje for trow. and i'd Mumu after dat - definitely.


gnite, fellas.








Friday, May 20, 2011

morning!!








woke up at 4am, aku managed to settled few thgs - slides for a talk on dis 27th, iron baju/suar yg aku patut iron smlm, tp tak jadik.. and cuci bilik air bawah! giler tak? heh. nasib la aku tak do the laundry, cuci kete bagai.. by 5.30am - aku dah 'penat' and mula rasa mengantok.. indeed - geram siot.


its gonna be a long day today - but i cant wait till its over. pagi ni taklimat pra-klinikal budak2 aku, then to the field for dis and dat, ptg full rehearsal for trow.. mlm - the KPPUK Idol Finale - and as a Penasihat Kelab, aku hav to be there.. dah la mlm tadik ada forum, tp aku ponteng.. mls la. its like the whole day kat ofc., surrounded by the same faces - make me feel kinda weird. theres so many changes made by Pengarah - dis is the only thg yg aku tak suka about him; he delegates works, tp at the end of it - he'll go change the whole shait - making everybdy tak senang ati, keje berterabur etc. kalo ko dah bagus sgt - ko buat sendiri. tak pyh nak delegate2.. but then again - aku cuma plain kuli. kemam molot, grit my teeth, and do works je lah!


cant wait till all dis over. cant wait for the weekend too.


u hav a gr8 Fry-Day ppl! and yeah - its TGIF!




Thursday, May 19, 2011

stop waiting..





love?
worth living?






dun settle for anythg less than someone who loves u - it aint gonna work. dun love when ur lonely - by the time u realized ur, u've hurt someone else out there alrdy - so love when ur ready. and dun think dat it (dat is love, to be precise) happens all the time either.. changing msges, poke one another, holding hands while walking down a high school hallway - dat aint love.


real love is hard to come by, but it comes eventually. maybe not for a while - but trust me - it shows up at some point, in ur life for sure. all of us r loved, but s'times - dat person u want is not in ur life, as yet..


so dun worry. they will be. jst stop waiting for it. and u knw wat i mean.








childhood.







wld it gr8?





wat if u can officially tendering ur resignation as an adult? and finally ur decided dat u'd wld like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 yr old, again.


i wanna go to McD and think dat its a four-star restaurant. i'd feel blessed if i'd managed to sink my teeth on KFCs. i want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk wit rocks.


i wanna think M&M r way better than money for u can eat em. beautiful colors make ur life worth while. i wanna lie under a big tree on a hot day, and let loose wit nothg else to think of.


i wanna return to a time when life was simple. when all u knew were colors, multiplication tables or 'kali-kali' aka 'sifir', and nursery rhymes - but dat din bother u, b'coz u din knw wat u din knw and u din care. all u knew was to be happy b'coz ur blissfully unaware of all the thgs dat shld make u worried or upset.


i wanna think the world is fair. dat everyone is honest and good. i wanna believe dat anythg is possible. and impossible is nthg. i want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by lil thgs, again.


i wanna live simple again. i dun want my day to consist of computer crashes, problematic students, mountains of work, depressing news again and again, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doc bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones. i wanna believe in the power of laughing, smiles, hugs, a kind nice words, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, friendship and able to run around wit no care.



---



as if.










thank you.








i received the text msg around midnite asking if its okay for him to write about me, in his blog.. and i told him - i dun mind. i am ok wit it.

and jst now, i managed to go thru it well. i am not sure how to react - but a simple 'thank you' wld mean a lot, really.


go to Lari Dari Narraka of Izani M. Bakri - my own student and u might enjoy reading his piece of tot, too.


---





bahang narraka dua puluh sembilan




- dedikasi buat seorang yang aku dan kami istilahkan hebat-


aku mahu sehebat dia.

walau hati hampir hancur, dia masih kuat.

walau jiwa hampir musnah, dia masih gagah.

dia masih mampu ukir senyum.

aku mahu sehebat dia.

sungguh!

aku mahu jadi sehebat dia!



---


thanks.








Wednesday, May 18, 2011

the star.






twinkle twinkle
lil star..










i love seeing the dark sky at nite. wit stars and a moon on it, of coz. i love stayin in my lil so-called garden - under the stars - staring up to em all giv me sort of calmness in me, soothed me a lot. i remember i've been doin dat since i was young.. and i remember standing for hrs in the porch - lookin up to the sky.


i dun like how the day time takes away the stars. i am always deeply comforted by em. u knw there r always there - up there for u. even when u cant really see em. its like - i dun knw - its like, they always seem to knw how i feel. they will always look beautifully happy - when i am happy. and they do look beautifully sad - when i am sad. its like they r so near to me when i am full of love. and darn bloody far away when i am lonely.


lately - i've been stayin up, sit in the garden and lookin up for stars. it soothes me - when i hav dis feelin dat i am not alone. there r always be someone, somewhere - under the same stars, looking up and wishin for somethg. it sounds crazy - but it helps me when i am down.


its like - altho ppl talk and smile and act like they care - they dun giv me the same sincere understanding feeling dat i get from lookin at the stars.. *sigh*


gnite.










dun judge!








judging others,
based on ur ignorance?
*yawn*







everyone has a secret they havent shared. everyone has a past which no one's heard about. everyone has talents, dat ppl dun notice. everyone has the strength sometimes left unrecognized. everyone, too - has weaknesses hidden inside - its either u knw it, and u do somethg about it. everyone has story left untold - so never start judging someone thinking u knw em back to front. becoz - the truth is, u probably dun.


and after all - who the heck ru? to judge others?








Tuesday, May 17, 2011

nitey nite.









not an ordinary day today, for me. so many thgs to tell, but i dun knw how to start. and whom shall i tell tale. i dun like myself to be in wat i've went thru since dis morning - but i was left wit no choice. at least - i managed to make mak abah, angah and the whole family happy - for listening to em all, to not say 'no' and refused to comply. and mak knw how aku wld never ever say a single 'no' to her.. i knw i wldnt do dat. i hate to believe in wat they believe. and i hate to believe in wat others make em believe. i knw wat it is. and how i wish i cld jst tell em all the truth.


and at least - all the monmons r around. rumah mak kecoh. mcm nak roboh. they kept me smiling, laughing.


reach home by 9.30pm. its a long slow ride all the way from Selama to Ipoh. quite a lot of cars on the hi-way, and it was raining kinda cats and dogs. i was tryin to restrain my brain from jumping from one to another thg dat makes me thinkin, but u knw i cant help myself. so - i ended up thinkin about so many thgs - tau2 dah smpai depan rumah.


no - i cant do it in ere. perhaps i shld sleep over it. and i am gonna be jst fine by the sunrise, trow.


gnite, ppl.






Sunday, May 15, 2011

Selamat Hari Guru!









i wasnt a fav student back then when i was in primary school. most of the cikgu2 there in SRK Selama Jalan Mentri there, hardly knw me pun, let alone my existence thru out the yrs when i was there. but its ok - i dun see dat a sthg biggie. i had my own great moment there, and i still remember em all rite to the time i am writing dis. i was so bloody nerd back there - dad sent me to school, and picked me back home.. sampai la Darjah 5. when finally he bought me a nice basikal to ride on to school. i spent my time - most of the time kat library, and i hate PJs. and when i was in primary school - i break no rules at all, my report cards - thru out the 6 yrs, only once dpt merah.. and u can check my past entry, i cant remember wats the subject then.


i started wit Darjah 1 Biru - a 'B' class, to be compare wit Darjah 1 Merah - they were more glamorous, cunning and smart. a year after dat - after tunggang langgang study and such - i made it to Darjah 2 Merah, and i was so proud God sake. mak too. and i gez - abah as well; for he never showed us pun how he felt - but i knw. dis is the time aku mula belajar like nbdy biz. and gez wat? English was one of the worst nightmare for me. dis is the time bila Puan Onn Lay Wah came into my life - and turned my life into a 'disastrous' kinda moment. i bet - i am not alone.. she's so garang, stern, she made us do thgs, sang out loud, and a lot more.. she loves to throw a hell-session of 'Spelling' time when saper salah banyak, kena denda. and i remember how my left ear-lobe infected dek kuku dia yg panjang, cubit telinga aku smpai luka! God i remember the pain sampai sekarang! and dat was the last time aku kena denda. for aku swore to God, dat aint gonin to happen for the second time, God sake.



and it continues for coupla years.



masuk Darjah 6, Puan Onn tak ngajar English lagik dah. its Mr Letchumanan. he's a real fat Indian guy, tall and big, wit kinda protruded eyes - once he put his eyes on u; u'd go wee wee in ur pants. dats Mr Letchumanan. he made us write a composition using a fountain pen - jst like 'English man do' (which aku still love to use sampai skang - fountain pen, black ink), and he made us shyte in our pants - like every time during his classes. he made us speak no other linggo, except English. he made us do more homework and such. he made us 'read' the diction - not English - BM kinda thang, but Eng - Eng, hell yeah. i remember how he walloped me wit his belt, since aku terlupa bwk buku exercise English during his period. and aku remember how he made me put dua2 tangan aku atas meja and he jst smack em dgn pembaris kayu.. damn, i barely write anythg at all for about a week after dat - mak abah knew about it, but they din say a word. i hav to deal wit the pain - physically, emotionally - alone. but gez wat - i did better than anyone at all in the class, after dat incident. and in English, to be precise.


form 1, aku keluar dr LMS. boarding school. in Ipoh. its a place where abah expected me to learn a bit of ere and there in Arabic - but i remember searching the dictionary on 'Papa Dont Preach' of Madonna.. and La Isla Bonita as well. i developed the love listening to English songs, and i need to understand of wat the heck they were sayin. i started to listen to American Top 40, like every week - pinjam radio senior, berdiri tepi railing hostel; so dat aku dpt reception yg clear. its the time of Where Do Broken Hearts Go of Whitney and a lot more. aku listen to em all, and aku make sure aku understand every bit of it. i started to talk in English as well, read The Stars - and jot down some new words. for at least - dats wat Puan Onn Lay Wah ajar aku. aku love to read the dictionary. u never knw how u can really learn a lot from it, hell yeah! at end of the 5 yrs there - aku scored A1 in English paper and 1119, and aku dpt 7 for Arabic. sucks, big time.


nope. its not how aku belajar English yg aku nak citer in ere. its about how dis 2 wonderful ppl really made me learn thgs in life, appreciate the hardship to win somethg better in life. kalo tak b'coz of Puan Onn Lay Wah, and Mr Letchumanan - i dun think i am rite ere, where i am now. beside mak abah, my family - dis 2 wonderful ppl played a huge role in me.


now, being a lecturer myself - i knw how it is for them. i knw how it feels when ur busy kat depan mengajar, and budak2 kat belakang buat bising. and i knw how it feels - bila ur own stdnts fail, or pass ur paper wit flying colors.


Puan Onn still kat LMS, in the same school. semua ex-stdnts syg dia, hormat dia - for wat she did to every one of us. and Mr Lecthumanan - he's no longer around. heard a coupla versions about his death, but i dun giv it a damn pun. his eyes, his VW biru muda, his huge belly, his big hands and his tali pinggang - i wont forget dat. really.


to u both, and semua cikgu yg pernah mengajar, mendidik aku - rite to wat and where i am now.. Selamat Hari Guru. i knw a simple 'thank you' wont be enuff.


and how i wish i cld do somethg better than jst dat.











Saturday, May 14, 2011

its Saturday!








shldve be at home and enjoying my ample time - but then, i am at work. shldve been doin thgs i wanna do on the weekend - but damn it, i am at work! nah, i am not complaining. coz even if i do - they wldnt giv it a damn pun. so - to stay off from a stress dat building up in me - aku jst take thgs easy. aku jst go wit the flow and do wat i need to do. its a responsibility after all. yet again - alhamdulillah - dis weekend aku tak perlu do the marking; cuma aku need to be in the exam hall, invigilate the exam. tu je.. cuma the duration yg buat aku tertekan sket - 2 hrs ere, 2 hrs there.. kalo back to back senang kira. heh!


it is nice to be around in the exam hall pun. it is nice to knw dat budak2 ni sort of 'lega' bila dorg get to knw yg aku yg bertugas sebagai Ketua Pengawas Exam. perhaps - aku lbey sempoi dgn dorg la kot.. i mean - sebelum exam; aku will always told em all dat jgn meniru and such - and if they r happen to hav any doubts and such - they can always put up their hands up and ask. jst dun ask me for the answer, for i aint gonna do dat. tp sket2 klue - aku tak kedekut pun.. after all - they r all stdnts aku pun. lain la kalo dah bodoh sgt, bg klue pun still muka Tembok China.. aku mintak maaf lah.


pengurusan perjalanan exam/marking paper a bit lousy kali ni. maybe sebab SUP baru.. i dun knw. kalo dulu Mr Zul - he'll make sure thgs r ok, and all the pegawai yg bertugas akan selesa and able to do thgs well. but dis time around - agak cipets sket. blum lagik exam start - SUP dah kuar ke hala tuju yg tak dpt di kenal pasti and such. ermm.. btw - aku jst a ciput lecturer ere. aint somebdy pun. so - i follow.


err, will be back for more. hav a nice weekend, peeps!









Thursday, May 12, 2011

down wit..








fever..






back home by 6.30pm semlm - aku was havin dis strange bodyache, and feels like feverish.. when aku finally decided dat i need to go for a doc. selalunya - if i feel like feverish, aku might as well ended up OTC je - pi farmasi and prescribe needed medicine and balik aku amek. but semlm - belum sempat smpai rumah - aku dah there in the clinic. the lady doc was a nice person to talk to - she agreed dat i was kinda lack of rest, tak cukup tido - further more wit multitask jobs yg i am doin now - invigilate the exam, marking papers and handling the OSCE. futher more - the cuaca yg extraordinary-nya panas.. aku aku plak, jenis yg liat sgt nak minum air w/o any reason. and one thg about bilik mesyuarat tmpt marking paper tu - the air-conditioners tak terasa.. w'pun pasang full blast. air-ventilation is very bad. dah la cuaca panas - imagine do the marking in a room, by noon - masing2 rasa mcm dlm oven? aku tau - ni baru panas dunia.. tp, we all need some sort of conducive environment to do works, aye? dah tak larat bg tau to who it may concern - tp still, tadak perubahan pun. geram weh!


back at home - had some lite dinner, aku amek ubat, done wit my early Isya' and aku hit the crib alrite - for the first time.. i think its like for the first time - aku tdo wit no disturbance at all, aku tak sedar apa, tup2 jam dah jerit2 and its alrdy 5.30am.. alhamdulillah. i am feeling much better now.. w'pun the body-aching is still slightly there, aku feel ok, yeap yeap. nak je aku amek EL - tp kenangkan yg cuti dah kena beku, aku mls giler nak berpantun dua layer dgn Pengarah yg.. err.. heh. think aku shld not start.


aku 'penat' actually. wit so many thgs. work wise - not really helping. the politik-ing, it sucks. at time being - aku jst do wat aku need to do - and more than dat; aku tak interested to knw. aku knw my potential real well, aku work on it well too. theres no use of goin around - lick ppls' shitty arses and pretend dat ur doin work, while everybdy knws dat ur jst a piece of crap. ur nothg. u hav nothg and dats y ur doin ur thang at ur best - lick arses. poor ppl.


i gez dats jst life's is eh? hav a plesant batik day, ppl!










Wednesday, May 11, 2011

marking, OSCE et al..








its been days since aku last jot thgs in ere. i mean - coupla days back lah. theres a lot to share, few thgs happened.. tp aku tak sempat2 nak write anythg at all - since line internet kat ofis dah few days down and the IT tech. adalah jenis bendol yg tau ckp and complain - tp skop keje seniri pun tatau.. even nak kena report to Streamyx pun nak kena ajar.. ermmm.. and by the time aku smpai rumah - dah lembik, mlm cpt plak ngantok since thru out the day - OSCE, marking, dealing wit thgs kat ofis tu semua dah cukup buat aku mentally exhausted. thus - physically effected too.


still doin the marking. and the scariest part is - paper aku ari neh at 8.30am.. aku harap bdk2 neh bley jwb la..


and OSCE. damn - boring!


its kinda hot lately. i mean - real hot. its the cuaca lah, not me. gtew. i feel like moving around naked je. and mandi like every 30mins. rasa nak duduk dlm fridge pun ada. i am not complaining.. aku tau kerja Allah Taala.. tp - i gez i am jst stating la kot. hehe


hav a great Wet-nesday!







Sunday, May 8, 2011

along syg mak!





my mom - Hajah Zaharah Mohd. Rejab..
she's everythg, too!







its Mother's Day, today. i cld see all over in the FB - ppl r wishing dis and dat, ppl posting pics and such - bringin their moms out for a dinner et al, wit flowers, gifts and more. as for me - mak kat kampung.. and i wasnt be able to be back for her, today. and i decided to giv her a call, rite away early in the morn. she was like, 'ye ke? mak tak perasan..' and i wished her so.. and we chatted for a while. and she was like 'tak payah la.. ni dah wish pun dah cukup..' when i came up wit an idea dat i'd bring her out for a good dinner by next week, if i get the chance to go home. she's jst like dat - she'd go askin me more about myself - leavin me sort of small spaces to ask her about herself and abah's too - dis and dat. she'd go askin me about my health, did i eat good foods or not, did i sembahyang cukup 5 waktu or not.. and a bit about works. she persistently - like most of the time; reminding m to take it easy when it comes to work; sayin dat i need more rest and enuff sleeping - so i'd be healthy. well, she's jst like dat.. and dat makes her the most wonderful woman i ever knw.


mak is there for me most of the time - when i need someone to talk to. when i need a shoulder to cry. mak will always be there for me - when i am lost, when i dun knw wat to do wit thgs in life. she loves me for wat i am - she loves me wit no condition at all. be it when i am in deep shyte, be it when i am happy. be it when i fall and stumble - she's there for me. she always there for me.


mak is such a good fren to me. she's happy when i am in love. shes down and sad - when i get dumped. all thru out my life - i hardly remember if she ever scolded me - at all. she'd go raised up her voice now and then - i was a stubborn young man back then. but she's never fail to ring me up - and say sorry for being so - making me melt on the ground and pleaded for forgiveness.


mak once told me, dat how she really loves me - as being an elder son; she loves me lil better than any others. and i remember how i took dat lightly, tellin to myself dat mak was jst 'nak amek hati', when i knw a mother shld be loving her kids - equally. but now - i knw. i realized, for sure. i hate myself for not taking her words, seriously.


mak - Selamat Hari Ibu. along sayang mak. syg sgt2. along mintak maaf, kalo along selama ni, byk nyusahkan mak.. along tau - along wldnt be able to be there for u like most of the time, to spare u like most of my time wit u - jst like wat u did to me all dis yrs - tp along nak mak tau; along is tryin to be the best dat i can.. and along nak mak tau - along tak pernah terlepas mendoakan mak, dan abah untuk yg terbaik - di dunia dan di akhirat nanti..


along sayang mak.









Saturday, May 7, 2011

to a fren of mine..








i talked to her dis mornin. she sank my heart deep, i dun knw wat to do. i wish i cld tell her a thang or two. i wish i hav power to mend every single thang, and turn the time back to those days.. she was cryin at the end of the line, i felt so hopeless. i was strugglin to find a better words for her - so she'd be strong, and back to her beautiful smile..


dear fren.. my very fren, dis is for u -


pls dun giv up. there must be a way out of all dis shait. i knw u've been hurt. and i knw how it feels. believe me - i do. the tears will stop falling. it will stop falling - u gotta trust in me for dat. ur heart will heal itself. i promise u, it will. so hold on. be strong. be wise. and be bold. dun ever let go. dun even think of givin up - dun lose hope b'coz i promise u, dat s'one will learn thgs well, and will treat u better. he'll be the one who never leave u, the way others did. he'll take care of u. he'll be worth the wait, so hang in there b'coz i love u as a fren, and i definitely want u to be happy.


shyte happens. and it'll pass. trow will be a brand new. for u. for him. for u both. insyaAllah.









better me.





better me..








all my life, i spent way too much time tryin to make thgs work. i'd make way too much effort on thgs dat wldnt be worth it and wld be burnin myself in the end.. i finally realized dat i cant control everythg.


as soon as i let faith step in, i got u. and i am glad.

Friday, May 6, 2011

better, no?







*sigh*
i shldve done way better..
than dis.


heh.












tgif, happy birdie!







its been a while since aku last jot in somethg in ere. said i wanna do so - but i was not. kinda bz, dat is.. since budak2 dah nak sit for sumative - wit in dis coupla days to come. nak pindah kolej ke a brand new building - so huge and its KSKBUK. i gez its a routine too - a month before Jun/Dec., mmg mcm ni lah. aku bilik aku for the past 2 - 3 days was like.. haiyoooo.. stdnt kuar masuk for so many thgs to be done.. and aku terpaksa be ere and there for classes, revisions, meetings etc etc.


other than dat - nothg much. i am thinkin of someone - but then.. the distance. i knw its not a biggie. but then again - it is somethg, really. its thru the phone i keep myself up to date wit a lot of thgs.. msges and such.


sumative starting trow. by the time start je paper.. marking pun terus kicks in. OSCE too. dowh, terpaksa kena bahagi 3 like most of the time. and aku will be staying in for the marking dis time around.. erm, gez wat? its the same old lads yg goin out to do so - ZB, Hamid and AKI. ZB and AKI - ok la.. senior. dah lama tak tgk dorg kuar from here and do thgs. but Hamid? damn. aku tak faham. yet - lantak la. aku mls nak fikir2. i gez if ur good in licking big boss sticky arse, no matter how lousy ur - ur gonna hit the road alrite. heh!Link



---




owh, btw - its Ghaz Sanusi aka Ghazari Amri Sanusi's Bird-Day today. knew him for about 9mths now. and thru him - i knew coupla great ppl as well, such as Ikhwan Omar etc. we clicked together well. Ghaz is kinda silly most of the time, but dat silly-ness and sickening-ness in him, s'times makes him kinda nice to be around wit.


Ghaz, HAPPY BIRD-DAY!! wishing u all the very best in life insyaAllah. semoga Allah panjangkan umur, murahkan rezeki dlm keimanan dan ketaqwaan.. jadi anak yg soleh, jadi s'one yg successful in dunia dan akhirat, ameen. its a year OLDER.. and its gonna be (i hope so) a yr wiser, too.. eh?


its ur day, mister. go get some fun! and take a good care of urself, buddy.











Mr Ghazzy the Ghazzgie.
sorry - i cepek the pic from ur FB! hehe








Wednesday, May 4, 2011

morning!











salam;


cant really sleep last nite. i crashed my Mumuland around midnite - and by 3.30am in the morn., aku still wondering wat on earth i was doin in the bed - tossing up and down, forcing myself to hav some kinda usual rest, and it failed. my mind was like a machine - it went spinning non-stop, it refused to stop. by 4.30am, aku dah penat, drowsy. 5am - jam dah bunyi.. theres coupla thgs marching up my mind - few thgs, few ppls and such.


its a brand new day. i am hoping for the very best today. i am praying to Allah SWT hoping thgs will get better, thgs will get easier for me insyaAllah.


hav a great mid-of-the-week, ppl. and a very good morning!





Tuesday, May 3, 2011

wat a day..









its not a good day for me, today. its a day when u wish for God sake - u can jst skip it, jst like dat. wit no further thinking. its a day when u wish u cld start it all over again - from the beginning, so dat u knw wat to do and wats not. but then again - its jst a silly tot; its a day u hav to go thru.. and u hav to make sure ur surviving well - for a better trow.


started the day dgn rasa marah and geram wit perangai and sikap budak2 neh yg tak reti nak bertanggungjwb, taking thgs for granted. aku keep on reminding em all - if anythg at all.. if anythg at all - tak dpt masuk lecture ke, lewat balik dr kampung ke.. jst gimme a tinkle; and i knw wat to do. tp ni tak - diam2.. 3 org went MIA up till 10am, until another kepochi nyer lecturer found out - tup2 smpai ke Pengarah and i was - as usual, answerable for all the shait. and i need to clear all the freakin shait, well. u think i'd go walking out of the Pengarah's room smiling for ear to another? u think i'd be thanking the Pengarah and dat bloody mulut-loji kinda lecturer? i might. but i need to teach the boys and the gals a lesson. or two. and the whole shait started there. i managed to make the whole class scared shait, i cld see it on their faces. i knw i never scream shait out in front of the class like dat. never. but i did, today.


and kuliah ptg - 3 org lagik masuk lambat. kuliah start at 2pm, 3 stooges neh 3.45pm baru masuk. itu pun after aku hantar the Ketua Kumpulan.. khas utk gerak dorang up from their bloody fcukin beauty sleep! and masuk kelas - buat muka gampang, no remorse, no nthg. tak de rasa nak ada a bit of courtesy in any of em, nak mintak maaf and such. wat is dis? aku wonder apa yg mak bapak dorg ajar back at home. i am sorry - i knw it is harsh - but dats the fact! sekali lagik aku rasa tercabar.. and yeah - u can imagine any of the worst thgs dat can happen to em all.


and work wise - aku dah hilang sabar dgn Mr H. he knws nothg, i must admit. baru naik pangkat, dpt HEP - he likes to go around and order dis and dat.. dtas the way he do works. 'delegating' katanya. delegating my arse. when u dun knw how to delegate well, u dun knw wat ur delegating, u dun even knw how to simplify ur order - make it sweet, short and simple.. make ppl comprehend u well. bygkan 5 kali aku present proposal aku utk pre-klinikal posting, lima2 kali kena reject due to all those silly simple mistakes yg aku dah keep on betulkan.. tapi tiap kali aku betulkan exactly mcm dia nak - setiap kali tu la salah. 5 times, times 15 pages. no joke. eh, aku keje kedai photostat ke aper? and the kali ke-5, suara aku mula naik. ko bos, fine. aku kuli. tp kalo ko as a bos treat kuli mcm gampang - as if kuli2 neh mcm kuli bangsat wit no feeling and such - i am sorry. hell u go. and aku remember at the end of the process, bila dia sedar aku mula naik suara while dia naik kan suara dia.. Mr H started to 'kendur' sket. and finally - for the first time, he did listen to wat i wanna say God sake. susah ke? ko je yg btol, eh? ppffftt.


by 6.30pm - aku drive home. otak tepu. aku penat dgn muka ketat aku since morning. aku penat dgn otak aku yg hiperaktif - thinking dis and dat. aku rasa bersalah pun ada. geram. meluat. aku rasa sedih. aku picit2 handset looking for numbers to call - but i dun knw who. aku thanked God at the end of the day, aku still hav ppl dat i can talk to. and make jokes, making me laugh. aku called mak abah - i dun knw how to describe the feeling by the time mak ckp, 'sbr la along..'. cliche, i knw. but she needs not to say anythg at all. she jst listen. and abah too - i knw he hardly talk to me. we hardly communicate pun.. but today - he said a word or two; asking me to hold on, bersabar dan such - aku feel like crying. aku thank God for aku still hav em both around - i cld turn to both of them at the end of the day for some support, loves and cares.. and dis is the time too - when u realized where ur at for some ppl. ur sad? u need to talk? u need a shoulder? sorry. all u get is - 'forget it - i had enuff kinda thang..'. but when they r in deep shait - did i ever say 'never'? FO? or 'go fly kite'? haha.. its ok. tak pe lah.. aku tak kisah pun. dats life. i mean - life's like dat.


time to call it a day. dis is not a day i want to be in. but its ok. i learn a lot. i gain sthg, as well. and all dis thg will definitely makes me a better man. for betterment. its jst another day, i think. and trow - i pray to God above - it'd way better.. for u. for me. for all of us.


gnite folks. as-salam.








Monday, May 2, 2011

nyte,









i wanna write. i hav things in my head. i hav pictures too. but i dun hav the strength. the malas-ness is all over i my - my spine, my bones, my everythg. i ended up doin dis - at least i wldnt go hitting my Mumuland wit kinda feelin dat i need to do sthg, yet i am not.



i feel feverish. i wish i am still on-leave trow, which definitely, in a real world - dat wld means a no no. done wit lite early dinner. done wit Brufen. i hope trow i'd get better.


gnite, ppl. dream some dreams! a beautiful one, dat is.