Thursday, March 31, 2011

..






leaving the building now - i am off for a jog. alhamdulillah - its a good weather out there. not too hot, and not raining at all. i need to let go thgs in me. i need to vent out my negative energy. i need not it to stay in me and makes me kinda idiot - dealin wit such.


i jst wish i cld talk to someone now. but i gez - dis is it. i gotta keep walkin, and no turning back.


chiao.

trust?













its all in ur head?






wat is trust? hav u ever think about it? hav u ever wish, hoping ppl will trust in u? and u keep on sayin 'u hav to trust me' or 'u dun trust me' kinda thang - yet u dun giv it a shyte wat does dat mean, to u? or to others? its subjective, alrite. trust - for me - jst like respect; u dun deserve em both. who the hell r u anyway? but u gain em well. u gotta work for em both. u gotta act, u gotta behave coherently, relevantly to wat ur sayin. for otherwise - words will always be jst words. ppl will definitely lose the respect on u. and they wont go trust in u, anymore. any longer.


for me - trust is both an emotional and logical act. emotionally - its where u expose ur vulnerabilities to others; but believing they'll not take advantage of ur openness. where as - logically - it is s'thg else. then again - i always believe dat trust is a bit of both. i trust u b'coz i've experienced ur trustworthiness and b'coz i've faith in human nature. too ideal, aye? bulshait.



we feel trust. emotions associated wit trust, including companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation of mind, comfort at heart and such. but the again - as i said before - trust is sthg subjective. there r always numbers of different ways on how we can define trust - and its up to u.


trust me - nbdy deserve trust. its sthg dat u gain. wit trust - there'll be respect. and wit respect - there'll be love. and when there's love; there'll be life.



---



crashed at 11pm, ended up at Harmoni by 3am in the morn. i hate it alrite. but i hav no choice. by 5am, aku dah kat rumah. cant sleep. feelin numb. i was hoping for somethg good.. i mean - i was tryin to find for somethg good to hold on to - to start the whole day, nicely. and i was thinkin dat i am gonna be alrite. not until i stumbled into some shitty thang - perhaps i dun need to knw - but then, finally i did. i jst did.


'thank you' will be a damn perfect phrase for it, i think.


dat aint biggie. i aint say a word. life's like dat. and i jst hav to move on. wit wats left in me. and around me.


hav a pleasant day, peeps!




Wednesday, March 30, 2011

tapak kasut? nak?







i was fine dis morning. jovial mood - tho i knw i had shait in the room waiting for me to clear up. literally la - not a real shait pun. i mean - works to be done before dis Friday - since i wont be in startin next Monday for the whole freakin week. i had a good laugh et al wit Ajak, Apiz, Ameer and such - when somethg happens.


s'one stepped on my nerve. purposely. a senior, dat is. he knws i dun like to involve wit all dis bulshait - sweet talkin good for nthg, i dun like to be involved wit all those hear-say and libatkan nama aku jugak. and he went around selling my name. as if i was the fool who went around teelin tales. supa-bangang. aku byk keje lain to crack story la, dowh! its u yg feel so damn insecure. not me. jst dat ko tak puas ati, ko byk masalah, ko tadak org lain nak sembang wit - ko dtg bilik aku buat muka gampang; askin me to 'spare sometime and listen to me', and i did. and dis is the way ko pay aku eh?


fine. ur a senior. ur someone. but hold on - do i giv it a shait? u think i am fool? so now ur the hero, and i am the scum-bag? hahaha.. fine.


darn i knw how to deal wit dis. u jst wait and see. fcuk shait - i jst love dis 'mode; tapak kasut ke muka'.





Tuesday, March 29, 2011

gotta keep walkin..









"s'times u hav to be strong for urself. u hav to knw dat ur a good person and a good fren. wats meant to be - will end up good and wats not; wont. life is worth fightin for - but s'times; u cant be the only one fightin. at times - ppl need to fight for u too. and if they dun, u jst hav to move on, and realize wat u gav em was more than they were willing to giv u.."




life's like dat. aye?


















nbdy knws.






the funny thg is - nobdy ever really knws how much
anybdy else is hurting.
we cld be standing, talking and dealing next to someone who is completely broken -
and we wldnt even knw.
not a thang.
at all.








Monday, March 28, 2011

petty me.








s'times i hate dat i am so petty. meticulous. s'times i hate dat i make little problems become bigger than they actually r. but i guess - there r days when we jst hate ourselves, aye? dat u can do anythg at all - but jst hate urself for watever it is. i knw i've created dis blog to vent out my feelin, to drain out my negative energy away so i wldnt be worst than wat i am. and i knw some ppl out there who loves readin dis and found out my blog to be sort of 'inspiration' (if it is), encourage bit ere and there, and ost stuff dat ppl can relate on - but s'times; i admit - i also get depressed. there r moment when i feel alone, bloody down and sad. when i wanted to write thgs but i dun knw how, and i dun knw if i shld. if u noticed - s'times there'll be like a lot of posts in a day - dat shows dat i am doin ok. doin ok means i can think str8, and there'll lots of thgs to write.. jst like dat. but when there is not - well, there must be sthg wrong somewhere. thankfully, those kinda moments do not happen often; i shall say - but yeah - i do hav those bad moments too. bad days. like now.

i knw there r a lot of bigger problems in the world - and my petty lil problems r nothg compared to them. but s'times - all the encouragement dat i try to spread - there r times when even they; cant cheer me up. i am kinda secretive person, and i always find it hard to spell out thgs verbally. i can write - i knw. but i ended bein too careful, thinkin of the consequences - finally left me sayin nothg at all. so i cant really tell ppl wats botherin me; and most of the time - i jst keep it to myself, and get myself drown in it. and maybe - i mean, maybe - these feelin bottled up, which leads to moments of depression.


argkh, trust me - i dun wanna rant in ere. i dun wanna get any of u infected wit the negative energy. i believe i shld spread all the good thgs around, so i can get the world dance along wit me. anyway, i hope i cna feel better again real soon. not dat i feel real bad, now. jst dat dis numb, draggin feelin in me - darn its botherin me hell shyte.


take care, y'all!







smile?







dammit;
its so true!











Saturday, March 26, 2011

i hav an addictive personality..







ur ready?





..which can be a good or bad thg. i hav had many addictions - be it smokin (used to), food, sleep, shaving my head or tryin to pls ppl. the difference is - i try to manage my addictions. s'times successfully, s'times - dammit; i am not.


i was really unaware of my addictive nature, until i watched a show about Ozzy Osbourne somewhere on Astro - a few months back. it wa sabout his life (of course!), and how drugs and drinkin almost did him in. directly after dat, there was an episode of The Osbournes. now - there was the same Ozzy, after battlin all the 'bad'; addictions, makin a green smoothy and runnin on the treadmill.



same addictive personality - in a way or another - different addiction of course.. a more acceptable one, but then - still an addiction.


while i never a drinker, i never did do drugs, i used to smoke cigarettes (when i really din like em), tried to pls ppl and keep em happy, but my true addiction, my overpowering LOVE - was food. food made me instantly happy; if not in the long-term. i never made good food choices, and always felt guilty afterwards. and i hate it, God sake!


food never called me fat, or ugly. like ppl in my life always did. s'times, they said it plain - calling me names - dis and dat, s'times it was more subtle. but i think food's hold on me was how it made me feel while i was eating it. it made me feel ok. it make me feel capable of doin things. dat sweet chemical rush of sugar on cupcakes - shait, dats wat i lived for most. i think. food was my reward for getting s'thg done, when i was loves myself the most. rite after i ate, was when i felt accomplished. i knw u dun knw dis.. dammit u do, now.



i knw dat is a part of the reason y i panic when the fridge is gettin empty. if my room at the office lack of 'jajan' to munch in and out.


and u shld knw dat i've been tryin too hard to get away from dat!


buyin locally grown produce, and buyin it often - has led to much emptier fridge on a consistent basis. i've had to keep a lot of water in the fridge - both for energy efficiency and the look on a "not empty" fridge. pathetic, i knw. but i jst hav to..


twitter became my addiction, FaceBook too. i cld hav my mobile in my hand for hrs - doin the FaceBooking. and lastly, ppl can become an addiction for me. so i made a pack. i needed to prove thgs to myself. i needed to see dat i can do thgs by myself. i needed to be away from all the supportive voices and i needed to make myself present in my own success story. and my real world as well. did dat before. and i swear to God - u never knw how bad it is. it was awful. i still looked at my mobile about thousand times a day - wondering if it was broken, realizing it was me dat was broken.


i feel like cryin. i felt so damn bloody alone.


i need to suck it up. and do dis, for myself!







Thursday, March 24, 2011

its Thurs., yo!








by 10.30pm semlm, aku dah back home and str8 for MumuLand. kinda messed up, dat aku finally called mak up and talked to her for about 20mins., and it really soothed me a lot. her voice really soothed me. she was jst listened to me. i knw its kinda late for her, and i bet she's tired too. i was glad i still hav mak around dat i can turn to her - most of the time.


4am aku dah bgun - iron baju, aku did some reading. theres coupla thgs still botherin - but aku prefer to not think of it; for i want for at least - today, i'll hav a great day then. i am havin 4hrs of class dis mornin and i dun wanna walk in wit a face wit cipap all over it. the problem wit me is - if i am down and sad and in deep shyte and all dat - ppl can see it jst like dat, all over my face. darn i am not good in hiding my feeling pun. heh.


shall be away for the whole one week starting dis coming 1st April rite up till the 8th. i hav to attend sort of bengkel/kursus there in INTENGAH, somewhere in PJ there, i think. mixed feeling - semlm i was like.. wow, a week from the office! but now.. ermm.


hope today will be the good one for me. for all of us. not only dis one day, but for all the days to come insyaAllah. of course we never knw wats coming. but then again - sometimes, better of like dat - for life wld be darn monotonous, if we knw wats in store then. aye?


hav a pleasant days then, peeps.




Wednesday, March 23, 2011

wat a day.








masuk keje a bit lambat ari neh - gara2 aku terpaksa ke HBI very early in the morn. heh, count on me - it is somethg dat i wont go talk about it in ere, anyway. by 7.45am - aku dah kat ofis. aku sepatutnya spending time (again) on the road - for more Klinik Kesihatan dis mornin.. but i need to settle coupla thgs, and Mr Bong mintak aku jumpak dia - first thg in the morn.



around 10am, aku kuar for a breakie dgn Fina, Ameer and Apeez. the same thg they were talkin as Ameer told me, semlm. since i was not in the meeting last week - nama aku was mentioned for so many times regarding coupla thgs, plus sort of questioned on aku nyer ability to handle a group of stdnts yg baru daftar last January. and to my surprise - Pengarah was the one yg chaired the meeting. and of course - dis silly thg wont go on w/o the Timbalan Pengarah around - who was known for his 'generosity' in spending time, in lickin up ppls' arse, hell yeah.



so - thru out the makan2 thang; aku diam and dengar je la.. and finally - balik je ofis, aku decided to go confront the Pengarah himself for 'is there anythg dat i shld knw or is there anythg, anythg at all dat u wanna tell me - so i can improve myself well' kinda thg like dat. as expected - aku cld see Pengarah's face yg a bit uneasy and terkejut - perhaps, he never think i'd boldly enuff to walk into his room and ask such thang. bg aku nthg biggie pun nak terkejut2 ala2 MGR dlm filem Tamil. and one thg yg aku tak suka is - talkin shait at my back.. when aku not around. wat r they try to prove? feelin superior by able of doin dat? heh.


so - thru out lbh kurang dlm sejam aku kat bilik Pengarah tu - byk le isu naik. and aku puas ati bila aku managed to vent out all shait in me - and he seems to understand. as usual - Pengarah will go mushy-mushy, beating around the bushes wit words and such.. again, silap besar. aku remember tellin him off dat 'if ur tryin to reverse psycho me - thanks a lot.. for i wont buy it anyway' and 'thank u for ur such sweet words'.


aku walked off from Pengarah's room wit a clear mind. aku managed to clear up my chest well. yet aku cant help feelin sick and sympathy wit all those idiots around him who gain live by twisting up stories, makin up stories, tryin to prove others as a moron by spreading sort of shait around, talkin while someone is not around, and bloody double-faces. all dis backtabbing and office politik-ing r makin me sick and buat aku hilang mood nak buat anythg at all. and basically, aku geram dgn Timbalan Pengarah yg sah2 tak de keje, but love to poke around and making mess out of simple, petty thgs. making assumption mcm org bodoh yg tak sekolah.


aku ok je. tak kudis pun mende2 neh. tho as Ajak said time dis selisih dgn aku kuar ofis Pengarah like 'nape ko muka mcm cipap je?' kinda thang - but i am ok now. as someone told me - all dis bulshait mana2 pun ada. dpn ckp lain, blkg ckp lain. its normal. its like everywhere. its life's like dat.


part and parcel i think. i wont go melatah tak tentu hala. i gez i jst need to be strong - stand on my stance well. and do wat i shld be doin, good.


some ppl they knw they dun hav anythg, at all. so to gain somethg - at least 'better' than others - dats wat they do; downgrading others, makin ppl's life miserable.


poor em.






Tuesday, March 22, 2011

embrace.












..



so fail, if u need to. be bad at thgs - for its ok. be embarrassed - for who cares. be afraid - for dat makes u a human. be vulnerable. go out on a limb or two or even twelve - and u'll fall and it'll freakin hurt - but its ok; for the harder u fall, the farther u'll rise. the louder u fall - dammit the clearer ur future becomes. be it watever u hav to think about dis - darn u gotta agree wit me, God sake.


there r ppl who spend their whole lives wonderin how they became the ppl they became - how certain chances pass em by, y they din take the roads less traveled. be it. they r jst like dat. the fact is - those ppl r not u.


u urslf hav front row seats to ur own transformation, and in transformin urself - u mght even transform the world. who knws! and it'll electric, and trust me - it'll be terrifyin.


and i believe we hav to embrace dat. embrace the new person ur becomin. for - dis is ur moment.





lapar..






its 11am, yet aku din get the chance to go for a short break. a breakie dat is. a so-called breakie. hypo giler dah aku hav to munch pe je yg ada kat bilik aku neh - a choc bar, Milo mocha etc. nak kuar pagi tadik - Mr Bong tahan aku since he needs me to settle perubahan jadual kuliah budak2 neh.. since Yus dah start cuti bersalin. 10am - kena panggil mesyuarat pulak. 10.30am - aku baru je kunci bilik; Ameer and Fina sibuk plak suruh aku tunggu jap so dat dorang bley join aku for a breakie. heh! now dat dah 11am - breakie larr!! kerjis. while Fina and Ameer still tak abes lagik dok jaga exam.. aku dah ngetar lutot weh.


finally aku settled few thgs yg dok tertangguh since last week lagik - perubahan jadual; darn i am done wit the memo.. lawatan kebudayaan ke Seremban next month; aku dah re-arrange the date after calling ere and there, LP for dis week and next week settled, and a few other thgs. aku hope during my absence from the office nanti wont cause any trouble - for me and others; since aku dah schedule thgs, nicely.


i am havin few thgs linger in my head. i dun wanna think too much - but somehow; i knw i cant jst run away from it.. its either - i put aside and que sera sera about it.. or i stand up and face it, as it is.


or perhaps - i shall jst go wit the flow - for i knw i aint dat strong to deal wit it pun..



a plain..







semlm, by 11pm - aku dah kinda drowsy, and aku hit the sack rite away after not bein able to complete wat aku shldve been completed semlm itself. theres coupla thgs aku need to be done and submitted on early dis morn. - tp nanti la aku buat kat ofis nanti. i bet wit a bit of concentration - the so-called task can be done sekejap je. the problem wit me now - aku easily get distracted.


by 3.30am - aku fully awake. theres coupla thgs in mind - baju keje tak iron lagik, and a few other thgs bothering me hell yeah. after tossin up and down for like 30mins., aku decided to wake up - do wat aku shld do - iron baju, bancuh my big mug of Nescafe, mandi, solat tahajud/hajat - and lepak2 tunggu Subuh. tot of doin the work yg tak sempat buat semlm - but then.. heh. dats the problem wit me. aku can easily fall asleep yeah. but to maintain it up till the breakin dawn - dats the hardest part. on some sweet early morn like dis - aku feel kinda ok to be fully awake; enjoyin the silence and havin the privilege doin thgs, kickin of the day way earlier. but most of the time - it really hurts me for i cant be jst the way every other ppl - enjoyin their MumuLand up to the max and such.. ermm.


few thgs to do at the office today. i hav no hrs or teachin today, and no 'jaga-exam' as well. and i strongly believe - i hav no clinical teachin hrs, too. i am goin to use the time to do few thgs yg dah tertangguh - aku need to get em all settled before early of next month, jst in case.


life? thgs went well alhamdulillah. jst the way i wish it'd be. kinda miss coupla frens dat used to be around me like most of the time - but i gez dats the way life is. we get occupied wit life, wit thgs in life. we get drifted away sometime. but even if i do - it doesnt mean dat i am havin all those ppl outta my head, really.


gotta go. and Subuh nak masuk real soon. think i'd better get ready. hav a great Tuesday, ppl!








Sunday, March 20, 2011

finally.




damn. finally i'd be able to sit down and 'write' properly, using dis old, huge lappy of mine. well, i did bring my netbook back there to Tumpat - but i was kinda lazy to even switch it on.. dat i'd prefer to stick on my mobile. updating my blog using my mobile - well; dats wat u get for the last coupla entries, before.


---


hit my sack darn early smlm. wasnt feel dat good pun, kinda dizzy dr petang lagik. by 10.30pm somethg, telan ubat - aku dah drifted away. but then again - by 2.30am - aku dah wide awake.. starin into the darkness; figuring out wat to do. i was ended up on the FB for an hr plus - wandering around from a wall to another, and basically; nobdy's there. kinda stressed up, God knws. i shldve been sleepin like others - but i was not. and aku hav to drive a long journey (it is today). i think around 4am, aku was back asleep - wit the phone in my hand, jst like dat. and gez wat - Subuh aku pun terbabas pagi tadik.. :-(


by 12noon, aku alrdy hit the road. langit gelap ere and there.. and starting from Tanah Merah - it was heavily downpour ere and there, sporadically. but thank God, kereta tak byk. lori sket2.. and cuma a few psiko drivin around - bwk mcm siput on the fast lane, and sibuk nak potong orang tho it was a double line.


by 6pm - aku dah kat rumah. itu pun berhenti merata2; siap singgah Kuala Kangsar tapau laksa and such. kemas2, Maghrib, dinner, mkn ubat - and ere i am.


by the time aku on the lappy, and get on YM!; aku was kinda jumped out for joy since aku came across dis someone - online. its been a while, really. i mean - it feels like ages. i was hopin to hav kinda short, good conversation - for awhile - when thgs turned out to be the other way around. i am not sure wat i do wrong; but i cant help thinkin all the worst thgs, God sake.. :-(


---


shall go pressing baju keje esok. go thru my schedule for trow. and off for my MumuLand.. hoping for the best, for trow..



gnite.









Friday, March 18, 2011

Pantai Sri Tujoh.

Nthg to do ptg tdi, so aku decided to drive to Pantai Sri Tujoh. Its way up, dkt sempadan dah. Its windy, ramai org. Siap ada pekan ari jual jajan etc. Aku amek2 gmbr, while minimons main2 air kat gigi pantai. Ombak tinggi, angin kuat.. Its nice to ere. I love beaches. The sea. As much as aku try to enjoy the scenery, the crowd - tp i was like havin my tot, my soul s'where else. Heh. Damn aku hate dis.

3rd day; yawn..

Sumpah aku mls bgun pg neh. I mean, aku dah bgun pun Subuh. And aku dah siap turun tepi bendang blkg rmh bwk kamera amek pics ere and there, dgn singlet and suar tdo aku. Then again, naik je rmh - aku ended up in bed again. Argkh. Typical me. Aku seharusnya bgun je tdo, trus kms katil - so dat aku'd rasa guilty nak golek in bed again. But today, i aint. Malas la. Nanti2 la aku kms. And perhaps aku bley mandi trus. Tukar bju. And do sthg better. Heh. Again, its 'perhaps'. Ptg nanti nak pi pantai la. Kalo rajin. Bwk minimons and lps dorg tp laut - let em run or do wat they wanna do. Aku tgk muka sekor2 pun dah mcm idiotbox; pg ptg siang mlm dok ngadap tv je keje.. And abah ckp dorg ada race kuda tp laut today. Argkh, kalo lucky enuff - it'd be great dpt amek gmbr. But then, dats ptg. Meanwhile, apa aku nak buat eh? Shyte. Its Friday. Lupa weh!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

hmpffttt..

Tdo up till 4pm, since post-lunch. Yeah yeah. I knw dat aint healthy. Tp nak buat pe lg, eh? Tgk tv? Boring. Baca buku? Never. Turun bendang? Err.. Btw, arnd 4.30pm aku terdgr bising2 belakang rmh. Its abah wit all the minimons, abah dok tebang pokok mangga belakang rmh. Its belakang dapur actually to be precise. Btol2 tepi bendang. The reason was; pokok dah tak elok, buah tak de, and now jdi sarang ulat bulu yg dok membiak. Byk weh! Siap masuk2 dapur. Geli tgk. So aku pun tkr2 bju suar and tlg abah. Bygkan - pacat lintah, plus ulat2 bulu. Euw. Not my cuppa. So aku pun tlg tebang pe patot, wit mata aku fixed down to the ground, tgk2 kaki betis aku. Haha.. And its kinda segan when finally aku sdr abah dok perhati aku, and sengih2. Heh. By 6.30pm, we r done. Aku peluh giler. Kalah time aku jog and gym. Nice! Sdp rasa bdn get sweat really. And gez wat? Now dat aku dah lite dinner, golek2 dpn idiotbox - baru terasa sengal and sakit2 arnd bahu and blkg aku neh. And plus, both of my hands dah naik blisters. Argkh. Menci.

there must be..

..sthg to do, eh? Yeah, sure. Such as marking asgment bdk2 neh yg aku bwk smlm? Er, nope. Thank u. I thk, time2 mcm neh - dat is the last thg i wanna do. Marking asgment? Euw, dgr pun aku rasa nak sawan. Erm, darn i nvr been dis lazy. I mean, aku pun tak la rajin mana pun. Jst dat aku tgh so-called bercuti. So a paperbag dat full of A4 papers; the stdnts nye asgment tu, left unattnd dr smlm lg. Together dgn beg lappy aku. Heh. Lantak la. Nanti2 la aku tgk. I am done wit the breakie. Or kalo kat tmpt aku - its a brunch. Ye lar, breakie at 11am. Breakie kah? Hehe.. And aku dah mandi pun. Dah tkr bju. Kms bilik, kms katil, lipat kelambu. Yup, kelambu. Nyamuk2 kat sini so brutal even pasang ubat nyamuk pun tak do any better. Now dat i am havin a few Mens Health arnd me, the Astro-less idiotbox is on and me in the sofa wit my bloody heavy eyes. Argkh. Its windy. Its quiet. How can i resist? Hmffttt..

2nd day; argkh!

In bed still. Its quiet arnd. Its windy. And its kinda nice yeah, to be in bed. Malas sgt2 nak turun outta bed. Nthg in mind, really. Except aku dok fkr wat to do, today. More reading, of coz. And surfing a now and then. Argkh, thank God aku bwk the berokbnd, of else - i am sure i'd be a dead meat. Breakie? I hope it'd be the nasik krabs. Darn i never tired of it.. Extra budu wld be jst great. Hehe.. Btw, nak mandi jap.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Grik.. yeah.

Stop jap. Masuk je parking masjid Grik, dah azan. Ok la, so tak pyh tggu lama. Better off aku solat sini je trus, for if i am not - tadak dah masjid surau after dis. I mean, literally la. Tak pun kena sggah surau kat Bnjaran Titiwangsa tu.. yg nak amek wuduk pun like.. 'eh, bley tak tayamum je' mcm tu. Haha.. Freezing cold! Aku suka masjid neh. Luas, parking senang, jemaah ramai like each time solat. Cuma tndas/bilik air je yg lacking. Flush rosak, lantai a bit kotor.. and er, bau. Tak la aku xpct bersih mcm hotel. Tp its masjid, kan? Rumah Allah. Ok, dah nak b'tolak. Update soon.

and the journey starts, now!

On the h'way now. About to reach the Menora Tunnel soon. Its funny when aku shldve hit the road by 3.30am, tp at 3am, aku still dok hempok2 my alarm cube clock, try to sno6ze away as the alarm screamed out shyte loud. So ere i am, tryin to hav sort of break from all hassle - work, stdnts, daily sickenin routine. I hope i will hav a good one. Happy workin, folks. Er, no. Not me. I am a free birdie, up till Sunday. Hehe

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

nite..









was on the road since early morning. dats wat was in the schedule for me, today. knowing it way earlier - aku refused to masuk ofis pun.. so by 7am aku dah otw pi KK Ulu Dedap and KK Changkat Lada - doin my clinical teaching and supervision. so far - thgs went well. the LPs, stdnts at the both clinics r doin ok - jst i expected em to be. we discussed on coupla thgs - admission, clerking simple cases, management and such.. by 2pm - i am done.


off to the gym around 5pm, since dah lama sgt tak pi. Brian by the time he saw me - argkhh.. mcm biasak - lots of q's; dis and dat, tak konsisten etc. aku sengih2 je, and did my routine. since he was around - darn aku was really under the tip of his nose and i aint gettin a single chance nak cilok2 pun. kerjis! done wit 1.5hrs - aku dah flat giler. rasa nak gelonsor je turun tangga.. even until now pun - the body ache is killin me, freakin shyte.


gotta hit MuMuLand early tonite. i'll be havin a long journey trow morning - as early as 4am. dis is the time i'd be able to spend it nicely wit the whole family around. hope its gonna be worth a break.


gnite, ppl. hav a pleasant dreams!










Monday, March 14, 2011

..

it aint my day, again. i call it off - wit a bad taste in my mouth.


i wish i cld say it out loud. i wish i cld talk to someone - someone who'd jst listen to me well. i wish i cld vent it all out in ere, wit no restriction. i wish i cld jst left the whole shyte out at the door, so i'd be in my home - smiling, washin my hands clean. i wish i cld jst reframe my thinkin, so i wont be bugged wit dis kinda bulshyte. i wish..


i gez all i need to do to - is sleep on it. swallow it down rite, so by the time i wake up trow mornin - i'll be back smilin to the world, as if theres nthg happen. or perhaps - if i ever feel numb, i'd thank God dat i'd survive a day dat full of shyte. how i wish..


i wish i cld be do sthg about dis. but most of the time - i am not.


its jst my luck, i gez. its jst my luck.


gnite.








its Monday, yeah!









heh. i had a good kinda joyride to the office dis mornin. no rushin, no nothg. no SUPAmomma or sleazy-dada drivin around on the road like a halilintar sending their kids to the skol. its always like 5 minit lagik nak tutup gate skol, baru terhegeh2 nak rempit bagai on the road, makin me feelin like to puke all over dlm kereta - when it comes to compete wit all dis kinda ppl. but today - darn i love drivin! and its skol hohoholiday! hoho


by 9am, aku received another call from Nationwide Express sort of reminding me to go and pick up the parcel yg dorg dah anta last Friday, but i 'wasnt' around. heh. i was like, 'ok..' and again - aku asked for the direction. as usual - bein a lame when it comes to all dis directions, maps and such - aku ended up.. 'er, tak pe la adik.. nanti sy cari..' kinda thang. so - aku decided to get online, search the Goggle Map, and thank God, aku found it alrite. berbekalkan map printed out from the internet in hand, aku pusing like 2 - 3 kali infront of the building well, until finally aku was like, 'eh, sini rupanya..' rite infront of me - the building was there. haiyooooo!! dah 3 kali aku pusing and lalu dpn bangunan yg sama. kalo 7 kali pusing, sah2 aku dah dpt title Haji.. heh! kerjis. and time amek parcel - aku letak the map dpn budak kaunter tu.. and she looked me in one kinda, finally aku rasa she cannot help herself and asked, 'abg org mana..?'. bila aku ckp keje and stay kat Ipoh, dia sengih2 mangkaQ. aku pun sengih2 mangkaQ la balik kat dia. tp dalam ati.. heh!


done wit it, aku trus had my brunch. its alrdy 11am and aku dun even hav anythg at all. aku sengaja amek meja kecik at the bucu of the kedai makan @Kluang Cafe Station di Medan Istana tu, wit the tot of - ok, nbdy will disturb aku enjoy my food. and gez wat? ada jgk yg nak nyendeng2. walhal meja bwk kosong.. so - dia abg in Rentokil nyer uniform (aku rasa dia pegawai la or somethg) duduk meja aku, sengih2, sembang2 dlm hp. and then started to break the ice - tnya aku dis and dat. argkh. aku not in the mood to gebang2 pun, esp wit some unknw ppl. all aku need is a time on my own - enjoy my meal, every each bite - God sake. yet dis abg sibuk plak nak sembang2, baik2 dgn aku - tsunami la, ayam naik harga la, keja apa la, stay mana la.. haiyooooo!! never. aku layan ala2 la. deep down, nak je aku 'final countdown' kan meja makan aku tu.. and walk away. aku mkn, finished up the drink and off aku 'er, abg - beransor dulu eh..' blah. mencik!


apart all those thgs, all the petty thgs dat happened - aku tried to sit back and smile em all to myself. sometimes - we hardly think over it, for every single thang yg terjadi - surely hell ada somethg behind it.


and yeah - the parcel. thanks Ijoi! so sweet of u. well i gez - somebdy is really do read my blog, and follow every each of thang in it, eh? hahaha.. thanks for thgs in it!











haha..
tell me - how do i look?









owh, KPJ soon.. *sigh*















proud to be Malaysia, not.





Ultraman je?
wat about Sinchan etc?







wow. sucha 'funny', aye? funny dat u can make fun of the whole situation. i used to hav a good respect to dis bloody Berita Harian. but i gez - somehow or rather, it aint anymore. ppl r cryin, sedih wit the whole thang - yet buat kelakar bodoh pulak. weh Berita Harian - wheres ur bloody Ketua Editor eh? ko keje ke tak? or main taram je approve segala mala, janji material published and masuk market? so all the org kampung ulu banat yg tak tau mender, and hanya berkiblatkan Berita Harian and Utusan Malaysia - akan berguling2 atas lantau gelak wit ur idiot lawak babi? owh, pls.


and now - even CNN pun reporting on dis. shyte. malu weh! aku feel like so uncivilized. tak berhati perut. or wait - perhaps, dis is the spirit Malaysia The Boleh-Land? where every single thang is Boleh? even bodoh bangang mcm ni pun, Boleh lah! heh. i gez - to the Editorial Board of BH, ready to take dis joke and shove up ur own arse. and yeah - be ready to cover ur arse-hole too eh, jgn lupa tu.


aku remember how mak cerita kat aku how sad she was, dat she cried seein the whole shyte of wat happened to Japan and the ppl there. beb, it aint funny la. maybe tak kena kat mak bapak dorg kot, eh? or, perhaps - they r still havin all those lame, idiot and stupid, insensitive plus uncivilized 'ppl' in BH? heh.


owh, btw - u mght alrdy knw dis. but if u r not - u can click dis and read the CNN thang. wow. its amazing aye? Malaysia Boleh!!





Sunday, March 13, 2011

nitey nite!






home
sweet home!






finally, after like 2hrs of driving thru the by-ways and the high-way, finally aku reached home. mak was like 'bebel2' sket since Saturday aku smpai dah ptg, and today - initially i was planning to hit home around 6pm. she insisted me to stay for a while, and catch a dinner. so - i did.


its been a while since aku balik kg pun. the last time was - CNY, last month. the minimonsters pun bising2 sayin dis and dat - lama tak balik la, pak long tak ingat kg la, and such. heh. only if they knw how tunggang langgang my schedule was. but then - i knew; there shld be no reason at all when it comes to not havin time to spend wit the whole family, esp mak abah. aku remember dah aku've made a pack dat at least aku will be hit back to kampung like every 2 wks time. but then.. *sigh*


and today - it aint a good one, too for me. but somehow - towards the end, aku managed to adopt and adapt, and carry on. tho there is still kinda numb and draggin feelin in me, i gez i hav no choice but to move on. i'll be fine - as usual. i knw.


done wit iron baju keje. tie, socks, brief et al. so, esok.. bgun mandi siap2 terus bley blah pi ofis. and esok - budak2 dah masuk kuliah - since they r done wit their mid-sem off days. heh.


gnite, ppl. hav a good rest. a sound sleepin. and sweet dreams, as well..





its Sunday.

Leaving for Png, after finding lots of excuses for doin so. And after making lots of excuses of doin so. I hav no choice, i gez i need to do, wat i hav to do. I hope thgs gonna get better. Tho i knw dis sweet-words-soothe-me-a-lot wont take me anywhere, at all.. *sigh*

Saturday, March 12, 2011

i am sorry.

S'times, when ur darn close to s'one, u tend to take thgs for granted. And s'times u started to forget the limits, and the boundry, as well. I thk dats wat happened to me, today. Taking thgs for granted, taking for granted dat others can take ur harsh jokes at anytime at all, wit out considering anythg at all - i gez i am in a hot soup now. Deep shyte.. Argkh. To whom dis may concern, i am sorry. I am trully sorry. I shldnt cracked sucha silly jokes. At all. I feel sad. I feel bad. I shldnt be treating a good fren like u, dis way. U've helped me a lot. U've made my life termendously wonderful. I shldnt be doin dis. And i am an idiot. I wont be doin dis, again. No more. I am sorry.

Friday, March 11, 2011









*yawn*




i wanted to write about dis for days now, but am struggling to find a better words hell yeah. i wanted to talk to someone regarding dis as well - but i gez its gonna be darn dry. and boring. so i decided to write about it. of coz - dis blog of mine aint gonna say a word then, aye?


i dun knw how to say dis - but i feel so at peace now. i dun really knw exactly at wat point i was able to feel dis way - but i am so at peace wit the state of my emotions now, and it is great alhamdulillah.


like i've said before - i've realized a lot of thgs these past months. it was hard for me. i came to a point when i'd rather jst stay still, and be it - wat ever it is. but lately - dis peace dat i've been experiencing - its kinda different kinda peace and i am telling u - darn its wonderful.


i realized dat i've been creating my own kinda peace, for owh-so-long. in the past, i felt peaceful everytime thgs go my way well, like when thgs r goin wel at work, wit my family, wit my frens and loved ones. but now i realized dat even tho i can create some kinda peace on my own, its of a poor thang. its darn shallow. and fleeting.


but dis peace dat i am experiencing rite now, it doesnt come from me or anyone else. its from up above, i believe. i knw dis b'coz its such a different kinda peace, one dats pure and encompassing. damn i can really describe it - its kinda spirit in me dat sustains me thru out the day. i am happy. and i am eager to face every petty thgs in life. dun get me wrong - i still feel sad sometimes, and scared too. but s'where deep inside - a certain kinda peace steadies me, calms me. and keeps me goin, insyaAllah.


now i recognize the difference. and i knw i am stronger. bring it on, wat ever it is, to come.. i knw i am gonna be jst fine..



life; wats worst?






uncertainty,
sucks!






wats worse than wanting s'thg u cant hav? it is not knwg wat u want in life, for sure. wishin on all the stars in the sky for the answers to ur questions, for s'thg to believe in, someone to hold and to love. having absolutely no control over urself, bain caught up in a place u wish u were miles away, from.


being stuck - somewhere between the past and the future, nowhere near where u shld be - the present. stuck in yesterdays and tomorrows, so far from home, far from everythg u knw. and u love.


the uncertainty cld jst tear u to bits. dun u agree?



---



dun be scared shyte. dat aint heavy. i was jst havin dat lingering in my head, it need to put it into words.


after all - it is s'thg to think of, early in the morn, aye?


g'morn., ppl!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

blessed.



..



"i am takin dis chance to thank u for everythg u've done for me. no words can describe how grateful i am - now dat ur wit me. ur there for me. u never left my side, thru the good times and the bad. u knw wat i've been thru the hurt and the miserable momenas; and thru all dat u've helped me overcome my fears, my doubts, my weakness. u always told me u dun knw how to react, u dun knw wat to say and such - but then; ur presence is all dat i need. and its all dat matters. i never cldve done it w/o u, u heled me realize my worth, u made me feel dat i am loved - no matter wat.

thanks u so much.. there hav been times when i tot i cldnt take the pain anymore - there were times when i felt i cld no longer stand the loneliness, but ur there to comfort me and tell me dat everythg is gonna be alrite. thru wonderful ppl and thgs, u reached out to me and reminded me dat life goes on. b'coz of u - i saw dat life is worth living, dat theres still so much in store for me, for us. dat i shldnt waste my life in unimportant sadness and thgs. u taught me how to trust, and u strengthened my faith. it wasnt easy, but somehow or rather - i did it. i did it, b'coz u there. and dats all dat i need.


i am blessed to hav u. to knw u. i am grateful dat we come across in dis path of life. damn i love u so much.."




darn dats how i feel..






trust.







its hard!






there comes a time in our lives, or even jst a time in our SUPAbz days; when we pause, reflect and think out our LIVES. we r consumed by a lot of tots and emotions. s'times when these tots rush into our minds; we turn and question God. we ask questions like, 'why?', how?', 'when?' and such. and often than not - we dun really get the answer we seek for. and we'll feel sad. full of anger. hatred. and tears will jst roll out from our eyes. its no a depression, its jst good old melancholic sadness dat envelops us.

we look at our lives; and see some of the empty spaces, we pick out the ares dat r lackin and we ask ourselves - r we really 'living'? or r we merely existing? but even tho thee r times when we think about these thgs - its kinda relief s'time too, b'coz then we get to 'talk to God'. an we realize dat all we can really do is trust Him. we can go thru our lives either blindly or wit a purpose - we can move forward wit or w/o plans - but ultimately; its His plans up there dt matters. and all we can really do is ask, pray, work it out and hav faith.


lets not dwell on the sadness. for life's too precious for dat. and life's too short to fill up wit all those unnecessary thgs. b'coz even tho we feel the sadness s'times; we can still reveal in the happiness dat life brings.


jst trust Him.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

worry sick. sick worrying.

Sometimes i thnk too much. And i worry too much as well. I tend to thnk too much over sthg I dun hav to. I tend to thnk over thgs I need not to. And its killing me. I am worry about ppl around me, not knwing if its gonna be worth it or not. Or perhaps, wld theu worry over me jst the way I do? I dun knw. I wish I cld stick to wat I've been tellin everybdy, its urslf first. Its urself first dat u gotta take care of. Worry of. For if ur not, nbdy wld. 

But then, I jst cant help myself. Darn I feel like an idoit. Heh.

it aint my day.

Frankly speaking, dats how i feel. Dat it aint my day, today. Woke up at 3.30am, i hardly crash anymore. I was there blankly stared into the darkness, wit completely nthg in mind. The silence arnd me got myslf s'kinda goosebump. Sent out coupla msges, but i gez it'd make me some kinda idiot for everybdy's in the Mumuland. By 6ish, aku dah mula drowsy and as expected, around 6.45am baru aku tersedar. Baju tak iron. And aku had coupla thgs yg aku shld bring to the ofc, siap.. but it aint. Ofc, as usual. Same ole stuff. Ramai yg cti, xcpt aku yg t'sadai as aku had a thg or two to be done by nxtwk. Aku bengkek dgn BPL for not being helpful enuff on settling coupla thgs rgrdg my stance. Aku was passed arnd, mcm bola takraw. And let alone dat i hav to wait like fcuk, jst to get the chance to talk to em. Dorg tu sape eh? Pengarah ke? Tak. Kerani biasa je. Tp lagak sekor2 mcm haram. And aku ni sape eh? Pekerja Am ke? Aku nearly lost my grip, God sake. And aku kinda pissed off wit coupla ppl arnd me as well. Aku came to a point dat dah la, malas aku nnak cp byk2. Tak guna pun. Buang air liur aku je. They r grown up human being, if they wanna listen - then they will lah. But if they dun, then aku shdnt giv it hell la kot.. 

Aku ngatuk. Aku shld hit a nap jap.

..










..




u may not be her first
her last - or her only..
she loved before she may love, again.
but if she loves u knw - wat else matters?
she's not perfect - so wat? ur aint either
and the two of u may
never be perfect together.. but -
if she can makes u laugh
and admit to bein human
and makin mistakes -
hold onto her and giv her the most u can.
she may not be thinkin about u every sec of the day
but she'll giv u a part of her
that she knows you can break - her heart.

so dun hurt her
dun change her
dun analyze her.. and
dun expect more than she can gives.

smile when she makes u happy
let her knw when she makes u mad
and miss her - when she's not there..


*Bob Marley*





:-/













Tuesday, March 8, 2011

night sky.





the nite sky..




the nite sky always amaze me.
be it dark, or full of stars.
the stars soothe me, a lot.
tho they r far away -
i am glad i cld be seein em all
lookin at em
for i knw - somewhere,
far from here -
theres someone lookin at em too.


and it makes me feel damn
close. safe. warm.
and secure.



gnite.






mistakes, no.






hows dat?
ada bran?







nbdy like makin mistakes. do u? no, thanks. i am not. unless u wanna go thru life as a complete recluse - ur guaranteed to make one every now and then. but then - we r human bein. flesh and blood. we cannot run from makin mistakes in life. i gez it aint dat bad after all. for if u learn from mistakes correctly - they can propel will u forward. and yeah - wit a consideration - dun ever think of takin thgs for granted larr..


u must also realize dat mistakes r an essential part of self improvement. dun be overwhelmed wit guilt and regret - analyze how u can learn from them. i knw how it is - dammit i learn from some, too!


but then, how to learn from mistakes? let me share wit u coupla thgs..


apologize wit some dignity. enuff said. if u've made mistakes dat harm others, it is important to offer a dignified apology. be clear dat is was an unfortunate incident dat will never, never, ever be repeated. a good apology can go along way to restoring trust. and trust me - dat IS the hardest part! but if u dun apologize -out of embarrassment or unwillingness, the offended person will hold it against u, for sure. if ur apology is sincere; the other person is likely to forgive u. do it in person, tho i knw its tuff. however, once u hav apologized - its a mistake to repeatedly say sorry for the same mistake. some ppl keep apologizing over and over, and darn dats so irritating. its better, i think - to sincerely apologize once and then move on.

Type A Personality sucks, big time. so dun be a perfectionist. if u go thru life afraid to make a mistake, u'll spend most of ur life doin absolutely nthg. theres no harm in makin mistakes - it is an essential part of goin forward. the more responsibility u take on, the more likely u'll make mistakes. for if u feel the need to avoid mistakes at any costs, it becomes a psychological barrier to takin risks. ad if u make a mistake, jst dun go retreat into a shell.



dun go wastin time tryin to justify mistakes. heh. time is so freakin 'emas'. so y bother? but then - unfortunately; its our natural instinct to try to justify our actions. when u make a mistake, the initial reaction is to blame someone else. err, we r rite? i mean - we do. stop denyin it God sake.


"yes, i drove the car into the T&G lane, instead of SmarTag. but dat aint my fault. its her fault for distracting me wit her incessant gossiping.." *bley?*


when mistakes r made - the boss is unlikely to be interested in justifications. we justify mistakes for the sake of our own ego. s'times - its best to say very simply 'yes, i made a mistake..'

and u gotta understand y the mistake occurred. u never learn? u never get enuff? ur a silly? moronic? mistakes occur for various reasons, alrite. to avoid repeating em all, u need to understand the underlyin reason. for example - u may've spoken in anger and haste, the mistake ere is to say unkind words. however - wat led u to be angry in the first place? perhaps ur chronically tired, pissed off. and i bet ur aint dat idiot to figure out how to handle all dis, rite?


u shld avoid feelin guilty about makin mistakes, but at the same time, u shld make a resolution to learn from them. so, avoid repeating the same mistakes, again and again. if u repeat the same mistakes - it shows ur not makin progress and causes repeated suffering. mistakes s'times r caused by bad habits - so u need to break dis bloody habits. the sooner u change ur habits, the sooner u'll avoid makin the same mistakes.


from ur own mistakes - u can gain wisdom and accelerate self-improvement. thus, mistakes r opportunities to learn! trust me, it is important to view mistakes as a useful steepin stone to a higher reality and better outlook in life!


as i always tell the stdnts regarding makin mistakes in life - it ok to do mistakes, for by doin mistakes - u knw wats rite and u knw wats wrong. u'll get the chance to learn from it well. ur gonna get wiser. but dun ever do the same mistakes, again and again. for by doin dat - ur jst a plain idiot.


duncha think so?







ur head!







full? half full?
empty?
*its all in ur head!*







think i wanna share wit u guys about coupla steps on how to feel good about urself. u knw wat i mean - how to hav a good tots on ur ownself, be blessed wit wat and who ur kinda thgs like dat. i knw it is hard to tune the way we think - when we've been livin wit sort of thinkin, for ages.


but the - its gonna be a worth tryin, duncha think so?


  1. is stress good for u? - stress can be defined as anythg whch makes a demand on us to respond. but it is our response to stress dat is important in terms of our health. if a stressful situation causes anxiety, tension, raised blood pressure and so on - over a period of time it can lead to illness. another person - who responds to the same pressures wit a relaxed, no-sweat attitude may not suffer ill effect - u knw wat i am sayin. stress cld be over-rated. yet it is a fact dat stress is actually good for us. positive stress, dat it is. it motivates u, provides essential stimulus to move on.
  2. positively, positively tot-ful - the glass is either half full or half empty.. depending on our attitude. we may not be able to control wat happens to us thruout our lives; but we can control our tots and reactions to these events.. duncha think so? instead of constantly looking for the worst in everythg, we can always begin to look at wat opportunity it mght provide. when we r faced wit a particular challenge - we can either giv ourselves wings to fly by sayin 'dammit i can!' or tie ourselves to the ground wit a ball and chain by telling ourselves 'shait, i cant!'. darn we never knw how high we can fly!
  3. blow a fuse, and release pent up anger! - human beings r equipped wit a standard yet wonderful mechanism "flight or fight", which must've served our forefathers incredibly well when confronted wit ferocious animals. but now - we r livin in a different world. our opponet is no longer a wild animal - it is an arrogant goal-for-the-day boss, a nagging sickening partner, or an unruly minimons who keeps our adrenalin levels topped up. u cannot ur beautiful boss on her nose, but u can equip urself wit a 'punchbag'. heh, u knw wat and how it is.
  4. smile and bring the magic back into ur life! - the simple action of smilin stimulates the release of a powerful neuropeptides - which r responsible for feelins of happiness, joy and peace God sake. so remind urself to smile more often, even if its for no reason watsoever! smilin reminds u dat ur more than jst ur problems. it reminds u dat ur beautiful and everythg is gonna be jst fine.. jst the way it is. easy aye?
  5. be grateful - say 'terima kasih', 'thanks' a lot more. wit a smile. and mean it well. try it. and see the different. heh. dammit. i knw how it is.



erm.. darn can i go back now?

Monday, March 7, 2011

Monday-wit-no-monsters-around.































nthg much to do. stdnts r on mid-sem break. yet we still hav to come to work - unless u apply for leaves. i am not - for i do hav coupla thgs to be done - especially waktu2 mcm ni yg sah2 u wont be bug by all the unnecessary. except from bein disturbed yg yr bosses - dats somethg else. or perhaps, by someone yg nthg, yet claim to be A boss. sicko.


while i am updating dis, it seems like Ajak is so grossly concentrate doin his work. i was like - wow, Ajak u really work! kinda thang. and as expected - sah2 aku kena charot. hahaha..


ermm.. i posted the above pics since - i dun knw wat to do pun. but then - the above r some of my fav., at random. dah lama pun aku tak pegang kamera - since tak ke mana-mana pun.. bosan plak asyik amek pics dkt2 ni je..


heh. bley tak kalo aku balik, eh?


---


Ajak dtg tumpang printer bilik aku. and mintak tlg aku punch-out. bley?


argkh.