Saturday, March 26, 2011

i hav an addictive personality..

ur ready?

..which can be a good or bad thg. i hav had many addictions - be it smokin (used to), food, sleep, shaving my head or tryin to pls ppl. the difference is - i try to manage my addictions. s'times successfully, s'times - dammit; i am not.

i was really unaware of my addictive nature, until i watched a show about Ozzy Osbourne somewhere on Astro - a few months back. it wa sabout his life (of course!), and how drugs and drinkin almost did him in. directly after dat, there was an episode of The Osbournes. now - there was the same Ozzy, after battlin all the 'bad'; addictions, makin a green smoothy and runnin on the treadmill.

same addictive personality - in a way or another - different addiction of course.. a more acceptable one, but then - still an addiction.

while i never a drinker, i never did do drugs, i used to smoke cigarettes (when i really din like em), tried to pls ppl and keep em happy, but my true addiction, my overpowering LOVE - was food. food made me instantly happy; if not in the long-term. i never made good food choices, and always felt guilty afterwards. and i hate it, God sake!

food never called me fat, or ugly. like ppl in my life always did. s'times, they said it plain - calling me names - dis and dat, s'times it was more subtle. but i think food's hold on me was how it made me feel while i was eating it. it made me feel ok. it make me feel capable of doin things. dat sweet chemical rush of sugar on cupcakes - shait, dats wat i lived for most. i think. food was my reward for getting s'thg done, when i was loves myself the most. rite after i ate, was when i felt accomplished. i knw u dun knw dis.. dammit u do, now.

i knw dat is a part of the reason y i panic when the fridge is gettin empty. if my room at the office lack of 'jajan' to munch in and out.

and u shld knw dat i've been tryin too hard to get away from dat!

buyin locally grown produce, and buyin it often - has led to much emptier fridge on a consistent basis. i've had to keep a lot of water in the fridge - both for energy efficiency and the look on a "not empty" fridge. pathetic, i knw. but i jst hav to..

twitter became my addiction, FaceBook too. i cld hav my mobile in my hand for hrs - doin the FaceBooking. and lastly, ppl can become an addiction for me. so i made a pack. i needed to prove thgs to myself. i needed to see dat i can do thgs by myself. i needed to be away from all the supportive voices and i needed to make myself present in my own success story. and my real world as well. did dat before. and i swear to God - u never knw how bad it is. it was awful. i still looked at my mobile about thousand times a day - wondering if it was broken, realizing it was me dat was broken.

i feel like cryin. i felt so damn bloody alone.

i need to suck it up. and do dis, for myself!

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