Friday, December 31, 2010

welcome back, Merah Jambu!







Pinkie is not so pinkie
on her birthday celebration, Mac 2010.








dis is Pinkie. aka Noraziah Che Pa. my best fren. best buddy. she never fail to be around when i am in deep shait. damn - i am proud to hav her as a fren. and dammit - i am blessed.


and tonite - she's finally back in ere - for good. after like coupla years back there, i mean down there in ChCh, NZ. she's been thru thick and thin down there, and darn i am glad finally she's back.


Pinkie - dis is for u. welcome back, Pinkie. i am wishin u the very best, insyaAllah for the whole 2011 and years to come, for sure. its gonna be tuff for the start - but knwing her for a one strong, bold kinda gal.. i knw shes gonna be jst fine.


---


i bet at dis time - while i am doin dis entry - Pinkie and others r havin fun makan2 at Willy's. heh. jeles. i hate u guys for havin good time, while i cant be there!


but then - its ok. panjang umur, bley jumpa eh Pinkie?




HNY 2011~





Happy New Year 2011!





about 3.5hrs from now - we r all goin to get into a new decade - its MMXI. yeah, 2011. 1.1.11, aye? nice one. i feel like to do some re-cap of the whole 2010, but i dun knw where to start..


so how.. or watdya think, of a new year? as for me - nthg new. i mean - its jst another day. jst dat theres a different of date, month and yr.. of coz. i remember all dis years before - i used to hav resolutions for myself. some of em, i managed to fulfill it alrite. sometimes - a few of em, left unattended. ad for the first time, dis time around - i dun feel like to hav one. i dun see y shld i hav one. probably, i dun need one. i jst wanna live life as it is - at the best of it. i jst want to enjoy, to feel every bit of the secs in it - all those petty thgs, alrite. i want to appreciate all thgs around me - even a small petty thgs, alrite. and i wanna be nice to others, as well as to myself. i wanna be healthier. i wanna be someone yg a bit more beramal and do wat i hav to do as a Muslim. i wanna make my fmly happier. these r aint resolutions - for i am working on em all at time being. i jst want to keep em in track. dats all.


its a been a good year, 2010. i met a few nice ppl dat keeps me alive. a few of i-hate-thgs, finally turned out to be i-hate-no-more. i managed to make more frens! more than ever. those lovely ppl i met on FB - way better than those around me for real. somehow or rather. me, Pinkie, Baha, Azman, MT and a few more - we r gettin more closer.. good frens, it is. i finally managed to finish up my study - God, i am so thrilled. and 2011, i am goin to further up, more insyaAllah. work wise - alhamdulillah.. its been a good yr where i managed to assure all the big-shoots dat i am worth a man. i contribute a lot, as well. i fight back, of coz - when i need to. seniors no longer lookin down at me as if i am a piece of cold-shait. and they know wat i am capable of. heh. stdnts come and stdnts go - and theres nthg much to ado wit it, really.


theres a few thgs dat broke my heart, as well. but i then, i gez - dats the way life is. life's like dat. i mght stumbled and bein a pathetic person u ever knew - but i stand up, and move on. i learn a lot, really.


2011? i jst hope for the best. for more time, perhaps.


---


done wit Maghrib, aku decided to kemas my wardrobe - almari baju keje and almari baju2 casual aku. aku decided to put all those yg aku dah tak nak/tak pakai - and lipat elok2, aku nak hantar ke rumah anak yatin kat Chemor tu, esok lusa. theres so many of em, really. i dun see any reason y i shld be keepin am all, anymore. tho theres a lot yg aku sayang - for some of em aku bought it for some special occasions, bought it wit someone dat i love etc - yet again, i dun see y shld i keep em. u love em, u let em go. so aku nak make sure those yg dpt baju2/suar2 sumer2 neh r those yg btol2 tau how to appreciate it, well.


---


Happy New Year, u guys. Happy 2011~








moti-wat?-vation.








owh, grossie.
enuff wit the theory shait.
get real!







sometimes - in life - u feel down. u need someone to talk some kinda sweet thang to u. u need someone to tell u a tale, or a thang or two, to make u strong and stand up - even better than others around u. u need some motivation. motivation? wats the hell is dat?


as simple as dis - for me, motivation is wat makes great ppl, great.


motivation is a powerful drivin force, but u hav to learn how to use it - first, learn to understand wat the heck it is, will be way better - learn how to maintain it, and how to regain it when it wanes. the truth is - it can sometimes elude even the best of us. dis is y - it is crucial to hav some strategies in place - so dat quickly tap into wat motivates u and use it as rocket fuel to get u started, again.


motivation is not the exclusive domain of the greats tot. its available to each and everyone of us. its hard-wired into our brains (if u hav one) as part of our survival instinct. understandin dat motivation is wat drives our actions helps us to make the changes in our life, dat we desire. u look at jiran's garden, u feel menyampah and u sibuk2 nak make urs even better - dats a motivation. i mean - dats the simple, down to earth example la, kan. a call or sms early in the morn., before u start ur day can motivates u as well.


there r a lots of reasons y u mght struggle to get motivated. i mean - some of us, we dun even knw wat the heck motivation is. it cld be dat u dun even knw wat motivates u, as well! maybe u've become struck in a rut and u've forgotten wat flips ur switch? it cld also be dat theres s'one in ur life who drains ur motivation wit their negativity - u knw wat i mean.


so wat motivates u? do u knw wat motivation is? or u dun even knw - dat ur havin somethg / someone around u, dat motivates u alrite - yet u dun giv it a shait about it? and it goes 'unknowing'? poor u.


---


yeah rite. i need a real good motivation now. to jump outta dis comfy bed - and get my gardenin, movin. or, can i do it trow?


heh.







cuti. yay.






and yeah - its a Public Holiday. for M'sia menang over Indonesia on last bolasepak match.. i din watch it, yeap yeap. but i knw how it is. as usual - bolasepak is so not my thang - tho sometimes i force myself to watch it so i 'wont feel left behind', but dammit - i knw i cant jst go doin thgs dat i dun like. a flock of men - runnin around, stumbleup side down, for a ball, tryin their shait out to push it masuk dlm goal.. er, NEXT! i am sorry. u can say wat u want, for i dun giv it a freakin shait.


woke up at 9am - aku decided to hav a breakie jauh sket dr rumah - aku aku start kete, drive off to Taman Chempaka - which is another part of a small town away from my small satellite town. gez wat - awal2 lagik aku dah selongkar almari aku lookin for all topi2 yg aku beli dulu - caps and such, for.. argkh. dis is the worst part of havin hair. nak kuar kejap je, nak kena sikat elok2. benci lah. rambut aku jenis lurus - tak berketak2 or beralun2 like some ppl out there. so kalo peh mandi tak sikat elok2, aku can ended up lookin like a Simba. u knw wat i mean. done wit my breakie - aku 'tersinggah' kat nursery yg aku biasa beli all those pokok2.. aku dammit - aku 'terbeli' jugak all those pokok2 kecik, batu2, tanah pasu bagai. ermm..


by 11.30am aku dah kat rumah. bersemangat nak do some gardening, tp time mandi - aku ended up cuci bilik air. and alang2 - aku redah je cuci semua bilik air/mandi yg ada.. and as usual - the minimons sibuk sgt2 nak giv some hands - making me so rimas and aku had my voice 'pitchin lari' jap. so - keriau la budak2 neh. kejis. lama dah tak make em nangis. and seein em cryin, sedih and come to u when u pujuk2 em all - gosh, aku remember havin smile on my face and sort of into dat moment, so much. i am goin to miss dis, really.


lately - dis past coupla days - aku suddenly 'tersedar' yg aku finally ended up doin thgs yg last time aku used to enjoy em so much. aku read more - finishin up coupla books yg pending tak sudah2 baca dari dulu.. and aku started readin dis one book abah beli dulu (dated 4th Disember 1968!); How To Live With Life. kinda nice book to read - havin the chance lookin at life in the perspective of those yesteryear. gosh, aku nak call abah telling him aku cepet buku ni from his library.. tau dia, marah plak kang.


---


despite all the above, havin myself occupied and keepin myself bz wit thgs - aku cant help missing all frens online, kat FB in particular. i knw i can jst turn back and log-in back again.. but - deep down, aku dah rasa mcm.. i dun knw. tawar hati pun ada.


nak iron baju jap. nak pi Jumaat. rempit je la.. harap2 tak hujan.


heh. trow dan MMXI eh? wow.




Thursday, December 30, 2010

runnin, no.






...





shldve gone for a jog. but after changin - only then aku realize yg aku tak bwk my running shoes. shait. it was there dkt buaian tepi garden rumah. so aku drive str8 back. tot of lifting up some weights at home was lingering in my head - but then again - upon reaching home, divin into the sofa makes me lose all those tots, dammit. around 7pm - aku changed and had my shower, tunggu for Maghrib.


somethg is bothering me. theres one thg i need to tell someone - i hav to, but i jst dun knw how. where and how to start. i hav to - for if aythg at all, theres dis someone. or perhaps, i need not to. or, i dun knw. but i need to share dis, really. ntah la.


i wanted to write more. theres so much in store - for dis whole 2010. i am glad i went thru dis well - it was one of the best yr i had, really. tho theres hiccups ere and there - but its ok. nthgs perfect anyway.


i'll be back for more. nak Maghrib dulu.









..

I am done. I am cnfused. Mixed up. I am sad. But i dun feel like cryin anymore. Its numb deep in me. I gez its ok. For it doesnt matters, anymore.

..








too any thgs to be done today - its consider as a finally day before 1 Jan 2011, and aku gotta get em all done, by end of the day.


more meeting to attend - Akademik, Pengurusan, Latihan Kakitangan and such.


and aku gotta run to Png for some reason - and its a must. dun ask me how it feels - for i aint sure myself. but then - i hav no choice, to choose. damn i wish i cld skip dis, again.


:-(









Wednesday, December 29, 2010

life's biggest problems..




..and their solutions.




1. Tunnel Vision : the tendency to focus only on the immediate crisis or sore spot. under stress - thgs look worse or more complex than they really r. u knw wat i mean. dammit, it sounds freakin familiar.

The solution
Perspective : ask urself - if it will matter in 6 mths. ask wat else is goin on? u scared of thinkin about the possibility? grab some balls. i mean - ur balls then. and yeah - think of how u create dis situation and, in an ideal world - wat wld u like to do, about it? dun forget to take ur time. truth hurts some time. but - life's like dat.



2. Fear : the feelin of anxiety, or terror, scared shait dat thgs will go badly - dat we will fail or be embarrassed.

The solution
Humor and Curiosity : i believe dat modern life has very few saber-tooth tigers. the situation is rarely life or death. and ask, wats the worst dat can happen? wats the best? wat can i learn? wat wld i do if i had no fear? yeah - i like dat. the so-called self-asked kinda question - wat wld i do if i had no fear? heh.



3. Confusion : the sense of bein lost or unclear about ur direction. the sense dat u dun knw ur own priorities, anymore.

The solution
Responsible Choices : i hate decisions. i hate to choose when theres so many choices around. but then - in dis perspective; u got no choice. but to choose. choose ur values and priorities, and set ur own path. its ur life. ur life, is urs. check ur moral compass, pick a direction.. and - do somethg extraordinary! go kick some arses. and surprise em!



4. Guilt : its the belief dat we hav hurt or failed, or sinned, or fucked-up, or rolled into the drain or name-it-u-knw-it-God-sake kinda feelin. guilt is either accurate, b'coz s'times we do behave badly; or it is false and simply an illusion.

The solution
err, i dun knw really. i hav no specific solution to think of. but i think if ur transgressed - u must make restitution, ask forgiveness, learn from ur mistakes, error - and move on. no regret. no nthg. period. but if it is a false guilt - set it down as an unnecessary and irrational burden.



5. Shame : the belief dat ur worth-less than others, dat u hav a terrible, incurable flaw. it is not dat u hav done s'thg wrong (or guilt) - but dat u r bad or wrong.

The solution
Clear, rational thinking : everybdy has behaved badly - u, me, everybdy - in a way or another; but no one was created badly.. trust me! at least - dats wat i believe. any flaws only serve u Stronger (Britney Spears, 2000), more heroic and more compassionate toward others.



6. Loneliness : its a state or a belief dat no one loves u, dat no one cares for u, and u must desperately cling to anyone who finds us attractive or acceptable (does dat 'ouch!' u? brace urself - dats the fact). dis creates dependency, not intimacy.

The solution
Accurate Self-Assessment : reality check! not everyone will loves u - they mght say they do, but apparently they din knw wat they say anyway - but trust me; ppl will, if they meet u, get to knw u, and spend time working/playin along side u. damn. i knw how it is. heh.



7. Resentment : the state of holdin anger, and refusin to move beyond real or imagined mistreatment in the past. some ppl spend the whole lives as 'victims', nurturin a terible event in their past - and make it some kinda way of life. shait. scary, i knw.

The solution
Let go! i mean - yeah.. let go! i always told myself dat life is not fair. who says it is? ur mum? puke. ppl do not always behave well or kindly. for dats the way we r. flesh and blood. use ur trauma to make u wise, kind, gentle and strong. holding anger will definitely not workin, at all.



8. Self-Doubt : the repeated, endless questionin of your own abilities, opinions or actions . the can-i-do-dis-and-dat? can i? can i? its the inability to take a stand, to act boldly, or to follow-thru.

The solution
Action! Think clearly, then take action and follow-through : or perhaps - do thgs at a whim, once in a blue moon. and see how it goes. u can start small, but fcuk shait - jst do it. ur the world's expert on ur own life. and it aint ur mum. or ur sugar-dad. use ur wisdom to live well.



9. Stubbornness : refusal or inability to re-assess a situation, change ur mind, or admit ur wrong. its the feelin 'aku je yg baik ko bodo' kinda thang. its the.. u knw wat it is rite? the 'keras kepala' thang? *sigh*

The solution
Wisdom and Humility : only a fool stays on a course dat is headed for disaster! search for new and better information, remain flexible, open and creative . theres nothg wrong to stay humble, to pretend u need to learn more - w/o showing dat ur a plain moron havin gas in ur head. when the situation changes - adjust accordingly and set a new course. its adapt. and adopt.



10. Addiction : we become addicted to drugs, cupcakes, gyms and swimming trunks - but we also become addicted to our jobs (yawn), our opinions or our lifestyle . we can be addicted to people and need em rather than love em.

The solution
Take a vacation! a break, dat is. periodically, walk in someone else's shoes . break your habits, re-arrange ur schedule, delegate those thgs dat only u can do 'right'. for dat is so wrong - trust me, u can be a plain ass-hole, sometimes. use habits and traditions to set u free, but dun let habits enslave u.




---



damn. i feel like talkin to a mirror.







..















Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction..










blessed.











who says life is fair?
ur mum? heh. grow up!






ur blessed. i am, as well. i mean - all of us, really. u may think dat u hav challenges in life, and they suck big time - but trust me, u hav so many blessings, too. sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings - jst dat we r too bz sayin life treatin us like shait. and we started to forget how bless it is for us to be around still - livin life, and such.


once u focus on the gifts instead of the problems - ur whole perspective will change, and u will see blessings in everythg. and they r everywhere.


masyaAllah.



---



life is kinda tuff for me, lately. i wish i cld jst spill em all out in ere - but i think i'd better off keep em all in perspective. too much info wldnt do good, s'times - i remember TimTam told me before. all i can say is - it gives me a 'good' reality check on myself. i've been drifted away for so long.


but then - i am blessed. i am learning of every single thgs dat happened to me. tho it hurts, tho i cant help goin thru the same lane - again and again.. i bet - i aint the same like wat i am before. i may look vulnerably unstable - but i knw, deep in me - i am stronger. life is too precious to weep it away. i shld celebrate it, like everyday.


i'd love to stay the way i was - way before. for the time being.


and count the blessing. heh.








misguided ghosts.













ghosts?








I am going away for a while
But I'll be back, don't try and follow me
'Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm trying to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes

And run
From them, from them
With no direction
We'll run from them, from them
With no conviction

'Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me

And we just go in circles

Well Now I'm told that this is life
And pain is just a simple compromise
So we can get what we want out of it
Would someone care to classify,
Of broken hearts and twisted minds
So I can find someone to rely on

And run
To them, to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not useless
We are just

Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
But I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me

They echo me in circles


misguided ghosts - paramore.




---



i love Paramore. i mean - not dat kinda love love. and it aint like love hate, yeah. i jst love em. good songs. pretty hayley williams. they hell kinda rocks yeap yeap. but most of the song - aku was jst like listen to em every now and then - and nothg more then dat.

but the above, caught me alrite. i was killin my time doin a blog-hopping when i came to dis Amer Nasri's Four Letter Words and it plays dis song - and it immediately catch me good. it soothes me alrite. the lyrics r like.. simple. and meaningful.

so Amer - i am putting it in ere as well. dammit i am all over places for dis one song, really.

and i hope u do, too.






..








back on track. ramai member2 lecturer lain dah mula masuk keje since trow ada mesyuarat akademik grand for coming sesi akademik. i bet masing2 ada keje masing2 la.. but before dat - aku joined jap the others berlonggok kat bilik Fina - Kak Yati baru balik bercuti kat Kelantan and brought back byk barang utk dijual - most of em perempuan nyer stuffs la. tp Apiz, Mail - as usual.. nak jgk inter-frame. i had a coupla good laugh, i hope its a good start for me - today.


meeting at 9am - aku kena chaired, regardin the JKPO 1/2011. malas Ya Rabbana, but i need to finish dis up..


still feelin numb. kinda drowsy. semlm around 1.30am baru masuk tido, 4am dah terjaga.


aku suddenly remember dat i hav to head to Png trow, for theres a call last Monday - askin me to do so. pening kepala aku memikir - mana nak cilok time and all - esok meeting..


damn i started to wonder again - wat life is.









Tuesday, December 28, 2010

..







by 5.30pm - aku alrdy out of the office, i cant stand the idea of stayin back any more - tho theres still a lot to do - i had a meeting to run trow, and i still hav coupla thgs pending to be done before the registration. and aku cldnt think of the idea headin for the gym, or a jog - tho initially; dat was the plan. i jst wanna hit home, stand under the shower, get change, and jst do wat i wanna do. mak, Soleh, angah and all her minimons r in since lunch time lagik - i started to imagine good food, good time indeed.


and it is. a plain sardin masak merah wit a lot of ubi kentang, a plain jokes, silly-ness and chit-chatting wit the minimons - distracted me well. i hav kinda good laugh - tho mak keep on askin 'kenapa ni..' and such. damn - a mother instinct. sometimes can be scary shait, hell yeah.


at the back of my head - the whole thg in my head keep runnin, like a machine swirling around, all over places. i cant jst pinpoint into one thang - theres so many things, God sake. i keep on thinking how bad it was for me - at same time, same date - last yr, for me. how deep shait and how bad i hav to brace myself thru the difficult time - at dat particular time. and dis time around - same time, same date.


its ok. one thg for sure - i gotta be strong myself, to keep ppl around me, strong as they can be. i need to keep aside all dis bulshait in me - for at time being; it aint dat matter dat much - for there r ppl around me, dat i really put some assurance on.


i keep on berdoa, hoping thgs will be jst fine. hoping thgs will be jst the way it used to be. i knw thgs goin to be hard after dis, it aint gonna be the same.. but its ok. as long as i dun go losing thg dat i hav in hand, now.


God knws, i wont let it slip away.


not dis time.


damn, i feel like feverish. gnite.





..







at time like dis - it feels like ur runnin all over the places, looking and begging for some other's time - dat they'll spend some of their very precious time for u - to jst listen to u. to jst talk to u. but i gez, it aint dat easy. dis is the time when u knw where ur at. who u really r then. no, i am not blaming others for dis - everybdy has their own limitation. everybdy has own needs to fulfill. their own thang to settle, to be done and such. and its a huge mistake to put my own value into others dat 'y others cant do it - when i am in need; when all dis while - dats wat i've been doin for em' kinda thang. of course there r frens dat care - i am honored. but those who pretend as if they r, well dats really hurt.


its ok. i gez i am lonely. pathetic. i knw by doin dis - by writing dis out, i'd feel better.


i'll get thru dis. thgs will be jst OK. and i learn a lot, as well. dis is a lesson of life. life is a process - u hav no choice, except to go thru it well.


and i gez - dats exactly wat i am doin.






..






i feel like i am goin to back off. as if i'd better off givin up. if dats the best for everybdy.


but it'd be a fuckin selfish me - i'd go walk off at time like dis. and i aint gonna be another bloody idiot, by doin dat. not again.


or, shld i?


i dun knw. i am so fuck-up.






..







crashed early last nite, at about 11pm or somethg. but then - it din make a change. i hardly close my eyes. at 3am - i was wide awake, stayin up in my study room - tryin to figure out wat to do. havin kinda lite-headed, i knw it aint gonna a good day for me - ahead. if its for the LP Meeting dat i hav to attend today, i'll mght as well take a day off and confine myself back at home.


i've been thinkin a lot, last nite. about wat shld i do, where i am headin to. again - dis is aint about me dat i hav to much ado of. i ended up makin a pack dat i hav to stand tall for the one dat i care - no matter how, and no matter wat it is.


for dats the least dat i can do, now.






Monday, December 27, 2010

..







i wasnt in the rite to mood to work, at all. and since theres nthg much left for me to deal wit, down there in the office - aku left early - i need to console my freaked up mind. i need to vent out. hit to the gym wit the think of - i'd drain off my bloody fcuked up energy into a some kinda positive thang. but unfortunately - it proves me wrong. the gym was crowded. the music blasted so loud dat i feel like - dammit, i am so outta place. after like 30mins mingled around not really knwing wat to do - aku packed and leave.


cant help myself - i made a call. i was jst tryin my luck, really. i cant help to hope for somethg good. and i cant help to cling on - for at least there'd be somethg nice for me to hear, really. but then - unfortunately, it aint.


i dun knw who i can turn to at time like dis. i dun knw who can i talk to, really. thgs might be silly for someone out there dat 'u jst take a breather, thgs wld be jst ok' - but i went thru dis alrite. years back. and i aint goin to let the same thg happens to one dat i love, God sake. they deserve better. way better. perhaps, theres one or two thgs yg btol - i am the culprit.


i cant think str8. and dis headache started to bother me like shait. i jst want thgs to get better. i jst want thgs to get the way it is, before.


aku marah. geram. theres so many scumbags out there who dun even deserve to stay alive. they love to interfere. they love to create some kinda shait - and when thgs when wild - they'd stand by the side, and watch.


i'll find u, douche bag. i'll make u comprehend how it is like - to be a real asshole..









..












i am havin am mess-up mind now. i dun knw wat to think. or to do. i wanted to make a call - but i aint sure if its ok. i finally did - and it left to no avail. i wanted to text some msges - i aint sure wat to say. i wanted to tell how i feel - dammit i knw it aint rite for at time being - its not about me myself and i hav to stop bein a one freakin sicko, selfish kinda guy - it aint about me - its the other person dat matters now. i wanted to to ask 'wats up' and how thgs goes - but apparently, it aint rite. i mean - how do u expect some ppl who r in deep shait to answer u to such fuckin q? dammit. it left me muddlin wit my tots, my feeling, my scary shait - i dun knw how to put em all into words.

dammit i hope thgs r gonna get better. i hope thgs wldnt be dat bad. i hope everythg will be under control.


if anythg goes wrong - dammit; i wont forgive myself. i dun knw how am i goin to deal wit it, freakin shait.


Ya Allah, pls. do show em the way. help em out. for they deserve better than dis.








..









i am scared shait. i never feel like dis, before. if anythg happens - its me to be blame on. i feel like shait in my head. if its me dat i hav to deal wit it - and if its me dat done shait, i can take dat well. but if its bcoz of me and ppl r in deep shait - damn i'll regret it till end of my life.


pls God. dun let anythg bad, happens.









its.. err.. Moan-day!







had along day yesterday. had to run after my 'running-nose' and drive was not some kinda pleasant thang to do alrite. when everybdy was like 'pasang la ekon', 'panas la..', 'bau asap neh!..' and i was like struggling - sneezing my shait out, drippin - darn! torturous, really. and i shldve done it wit in 4.5 or 5 hrs from KB to Ipoh - but then - it took me like 6.5hrs, really. argkh. yeah rite - slow and steady and win the race. i tot no more? it shld be like 'fast and furious - and win the race'? hehe.. mak will definitely goes gu-gu if she knows dis. haha


in the ofc alrdy. had a bad nite - i hardly sleep. it was 2.15am in the morn., and i was there tossin up and down, dammit. i am not sure y. the aircond was on, but i was still feelin kinda warm and uneasy. and sweating too! heh. by 3am baru terlena.. and 4.30am - i was wide awake and tak bley tido anymore. pack my gym bag, ke hulu ke hilir cari towel kecik, baju and suar track and such.. by 6am - aku dah clad in my baju keje - wit tie and such, and had my rambut done! yeah - i had my hair sprayed - for the first time yeah. call me unkempt today - i'll kill u.


my pigeon-hole penuh as expected. and aku dah set my head - there'll be more work, yeah. and indeed - dis whole week is goin to be bloody hectic, i believe.


hate it. or love it - its Monday. darn life has to go on!


shait - i lurrrrrrrve Monday. yeah. like no other. more than a cold, chilled Seasons ice-lemon tea.. *yawn*













co-incidence? heh. i dun believe in one!
but these surely hell, make my Monday groovy! hehe
thanks!













Saturday, December 25, 2010

fever..

Woke up at 10am, aku started to feel as if there some kinda lump stuck down there in my throat. And my body temp - i dun knw, but i believe dah mula spiking up, alrite. Mata wit a plain discharge. Head spinning constantly. Mulut dah rasa tastelessness. So there i am, in bed like arnd the clock.. bgun tdo, mkn, take my med., and smbg tdo. I knw theres nthg wrong to hav a fever. Its jst a plain sign - askin me to slow down, perhaps. To deal well wit my nutrition intake. To hav a proper rest. To stay away from the cold aircondition like 24/7 for i knw it cld push my immunity down to the drain. But then, i prefer not to hav any fever. Its sickening, really. In bed all the time and incapable of doin anythg, at all. Argkh. I need to be well, real soon. Its gonna be a long journey, trow.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

brunch..




Village Park @ Damansara Uptown.



done wit my early morn aptment at PC, aku catch a cap and hit the room. golek2 jap, and Ted called me - since dah janji semlm - he's on leave till next Tuesday.so i think dis is the only time to catch him and go hav som mkn2, during the day time. by 10am somethg - Ted dah tepi jalan, picking me up. it was like 10am s'thg, certainly most of the kedai mkn pagi dah start tutup kedai - and not knwing where to go, aku serah bulat2 the decision on him. and he decided to bring me to dis Village Park, in Damansara Uptown. kinda far dr hotel aku - but its ok. 


reaching the kedai -the road itself was so freakin pack. sumer double parkin. Ted assured me - nthg to worry of, since the food 'mmg sedap, i selalu lepak2 sini kalo nak mkn more than jst a plain nasik lemak'. he recommended me to try the nasik lemak ayam goreng. and so  we decided to hav 2 nasik lemak ayam goreng (one for each, of course), roti daging, me sirap bandung cincau and gez wat? i was havin two gelas besar of dat, alone. sedap weh!


well, the nasik lemak is definitely the best aku ever had, i think. the nasik was light, fluffy and infused wit a trong aroma of santan, kinda biasak la kan - nama pun nasik lemak. but the best part of it is the sambal itself! sedap siot. pedas giler, tp its kinda pedas yg makes u want more. gtew. very addictive. kejap je aku habeskan - tinggal Ted terkudap2 sorg2. i think i cld wallop a few more bowls wit jst the sambal, alone.


and the roti sambal - nice. tp since perut dah penuh, aku started to come up wit multi-excuses; the sambal daging apparently kinda pedas - yg lekat kat mulut and makes u feel like berasap.. and aku started to berpeluh2 giler. 


Syam the charming and supabz man dtg join sekejap.. and off balik ofc upon receiving a call from his fren. sian dia - tak sempat mkn. baru nak sembang2.


and mlm ni? satay willy. yayyy!






Tuesday, December 21, 2010

g'morn!







woke up at 6am, after like so many times the alarm snoozing like shait - aku felt so malas nak jump outta bed - nak iron baju, nak mandi, nak kemas katil, nak kuar pi keje etc. huargkhhh.. tho its the last day (i dun think its gonna be a full day pun! muahaha) at work for the week - tp, i still hav to go to the ofc., i need to clear up coupla thgs b4 aku leave the ofc., behind. heh. aku shldve crashed early last nite. despite of dat - aku was lingering up and down the house - i aint sure of wat i am doin anyway - but i am telling u; after done wit the McD Delivery, aku felt so bloated dat aku nak tido, tp tak bley. cemaneh? aku ended up online for coupla hrs., and did some channel-surfin on the idiotbox.


beg belum kemas. baju suar bagai tak kuarkan lagik. mati la kena leter mcm neh. hehehe.. kena balik awal la mcm ni kan? kang tak sempat nak packing.. *bley?*


---


aku decided to rempit to work je today. not dat i do dis all the time - but lately, i am. i dun knw - i am kinda on teh cloud of lazy-ness lately. aku go to work in short-sleeves wit no tie on, in khakis, loafer instead of kasut keje yg ada heel tu (not hi-heel, eh!), and rempit to work. aku remember Kak Ton the CC tnya aku, 'naper nampak chomot lately neh?' and 'mandi ke tak' (haiyooo!). but then - student tak de. i mean - i love to be as simple as it is to work, and i gez dis is the time laa..


and rempit to work - damn, i am so lovin it. despite cuaca tak menentu lately, tp tak pe la - kalo nak ujan, kita balik la awal.. erk. hahaha.. rempit to work can be thrillin sometime. riding ur bike at the mid of line putih tu, passing all the others can be adrenaline- ga ga. stopping at red light, and pecut-ing - leavin the others behind while it turns green can be so rewarding - i cant help to hav dis announcer-like screamin shait out mcm kat Cub Prix saying, 'tu dia.. Shah is leavin all the rest behind..' echoing in my head. hahaha


heh. jgn ujan dah. i mean - jgn ujan seblm aku smpai rumah larr..














ok tak?
err.. nak pi set rambut jap.







Sunday, December 19, 2010

kukur kelapa!







kukur kelapa.. guna mesin ye. bukan guna kepala..



its been a long times since i did dat - yeap yeap.. kukur kelapa. i mean - wat i did semlm was not really 'kukur kelapa' but, scrapping the coconut larr.. or dlm BM - mesin kelapa. heh. but still - its been ages!


aku ingat waktu kecik2 dulu - since aku anak sulung.. mak ajar aku how to kukur kelapa, so aku cld help her when needed. to tell u the truth, i never like doin it pun. not dat b'coz aku kena bersimpuh time kukur kelapa tu (dis is using the tradisonal one, okeh!), but it took so long so finish the whole process. and to kukur kelapa too, mind u - perlu ada skill.. kalo tak, berjanggut la. selalunya kalo mak suruh kukur 1/2 je, i'd thanked God. tp kalo sebijik.. sah2 la aku tarik muka.. and mak wld go, 'tak pe la.. saper lagik nak tolong mak' and makin me melt at heart. heh!


by the time pindah Kubu Gajah and aku dah out masuk hostel - abah finally beli mesin kukur kelapa. it was like aku din knw about it - balik2 dah ada. again, abah was the one yg ajar aku how to use it. and mak was the one yg bagi so-called 'tutorial' kat aku - again and again. adik2 aku time tu - still kecik2. ngah and yang - pempuan. cik - erkk.. soleh - he's not on earth as yet. so aku la yg akan 'kontrak' mesin kelapa, each time mak nak guna santan. pernah satu ketika - jari telunjuk (R) hand aku terluka kinda badly enuff - make me nanges mlm2 since berdenyut2, 'bisa' lain mcm.. and mak la yg balut the luka, bubuh minyak gamat watevernot, soothed me till aku fall asleep. the parut is still there. adik2 aku dun really knw the story. but mak did. and aku - of course!!

now the mesin kelapa dah tersadai kat belakang mcm tu je. dah berkarat. all the minimons pernah jugak tanya aku wat on earth is dat. the use the mesin kelapa time main masak2. aku ada jugak tnya mak - nape tak buang je, since dah karat.. and apparently, as expected - mak syg dah mesin kelapa.


and skang senang - nak santan; u can get the concentrate one kat kedia. jual pack2 kecik. mak beli byk2 - simpan dlm freezer. and nowadays even ada yg segera. w'pun mak tak suka, since 'rasa pelik!'.. but still - its convenient.


so smlm - bila dorang suruh aku deal wit all the kelapa - from kopek/kupas buah kelapa yg baru kait dr pokok, kukur kelapa tu guna mesin and perah santan - aku was kinda hesitate; damn, its been ages! aku din even think aku can deal wit the mata mesin kelapa yg tajam giler tu and wit 'sagat' yr fingers - at any time at all. but aku managed. by the time aku 'submit' besen penuh santan - they were like, 'whoaaaaaa' to me.


and i remember havin a smile up on my face.



Saturday, December 18, 2010

mati-kutu.

For the first time, balik kampung thang ere aint dat thrill as usual. Its been raining since early in the morn when aku left Ipoh at 4am, all the way sampai ere. 6hrs of driving, in the rain, and aku cant even drive pass 110km/hr., like - at all. Kematu jap bontot. Heh. And its rainin all day, watdya expct? Nthg much can be done pun - except melangut dpn idiotbox, golek and golek, lapar then mkn, dah mkn mata pun berat. And the cycle goes jst like dat, till mlm. Argkh. Thank God its only for the wkend. Otherwise, i am goin to be fat. Like, fat fat. Fatties. Fat flatties. Erk. Flatties? Heh. Erm, btw dis is the time aku get bck to a real world - minimal FB-ing, do more reading, watch more news, listen to more musics and communicate even more wit ppl arnd me. And gez wat? Aku came to a point better of aku botak balik, and dis time i hav a better reasonable xcuse. Darn dats wat i am goin to do, first thang in the morn. I hav to 'bela' dis goatte too, ramai dah ckp aku comot, unkempt. Heh. And all out of sudden, aku teringin nak mandi laut. Argkh.

daaa!



said i wanna spend my whole weekend nice and full wit family's activities - well, geza wat - dats wat i am gonna do now. and so - my journey starts now - its gonna be long and tedious, but i gez its gonna be worth while, alrite.


u ppl take care. hav a pleasant weekend, ya! cu, when i cu.


till then, chiao.






Friday, December 17, 2010

fcuking fine?




wow.









worthwhile gifts..









mend a quarrel
seek out a forgotten fren
write a long overdue love note/email/letter
send a card to someone u think of
make em surprise,
and appreciated
hug someone tightly and say, "i love u so.."
forgive an enemy
be gentle and patient wit an angry person
find time to keep a promise
cook, make or bake sthg for someone else, anonymously
release a grudge
listen
speak kindly to a stranger
talk nicely to others
enter into another's sorrow
smile - it does not cost a thang
laugh a little
and laugh a lil more
make someone laugh out loud
take a walk wit a fren
lessen ur demands on others
play some beautiful music during evening meal
apologize if ur wrong
turn off the music/television.. and talk. or listen.
treat someone ur with - ice cream, yogurt, cupcakes..
do the dishes for the family - tho u hate it like hell
pray for someone who helped u when u hurt
fix breakfast on Sunday morning!
give a soft answer even tho u feel strongly
encourage others for good thang
point out one thang u appreciate most about someone u work wit, someone u love













Thursday, December 16, 2010






a reality check?






"reality is wat our five senses tell us of the universe dat surrounds us. we must learn to live wit it b'coz - we live in it. dis in itself is both a challenge and a delight. there is a challenge of making it a living, of craving a niche for urself.. of winning a place in the sun. theres the challenge of adversity, of illness, of pain. theres the delight og music, literature and art, of ppl, places and thgs.


to all of these - we r introduced when we r born, and we live wit em until we die. its like being given free tickets to a marvelous play. or party. here we sit - each of us at the center of his own consciousness. and every morning, miraculously - the curtain rises.."





owh, God sake! can someone make it short, cut all dis crap - and jst show me how to live, wit reality?



heh. *sigh*










as for today..








at 5am, aku dah terjaga. seeing the baju batik and slack yang aku dah pre-matched the nite before yet belum bergosok - dah cukup buat aku rasa nak termuntah and aku was seein the clock on the wall and like, 'argkhh, lambat lagik..'.. aku dived back into the sack. within a sec - aku back to the MuMuLand, jst like dat. a moment after dat - aku terjaga for no reason and wondering kenapa la alarm aku tak bunyi and aku was in a state of shock lookin at it - its alrdy 7.30am shait. i aint gonna make it to the office like dis - baju suar belum iron and such.. belum mandi.. wit a mix feelin in me - between 'shait' and 'like aku care' - aku picked up the phone and called Mr Bong. he was like, 'aku baru nak mintak tolong ko punch in utk aku..', and 'nape sora ko mcm tu? tak sihat ka?'.. dammit - it makes my life easier when aku terus je, 'ha'ah.. rasa nak demam la..'. Bong told me stay put and hav a rest but 'make sure jadual ko siap.. Jumaat aku nak!', and esok dia suruh aku isi borang cuti.


and aku was like.. 'yayyyy!!'. and tarik selimut balik.


---


but then - it aint dat wonderful pun. dari pagi tadik lagi aku dok ngadap dis lappy nyiapkan jadual waktu mingguan for budak2 yg akan masuk ni nanti.. well, aku jadi Penyelaras K28, remember? *shait!* nampak senang, tp aku dah berkali2 sawan tgk kotak2 neh, mcm gampang je. no wonder la Ajak keep on telling me, 'tunggu la time ko buat jadual nanti.. tau la..' all the time. heh!


tp alhamdulillah.. by tonite siap la kot. gigih seharian aku tak buat pe2 melainkan mengadap mende-alah ni jer!


---


tot of goin to the gym. dah la aku smlm nak sgt2 pergi.. time kuar je, ujan tak hengat. and again - sama la jugak ptg ni. seawal 3pm lagik dah mendung. 5pm - ujan lebat giler. not dat aku tka bley pi.. of coz, i can drive. tp.. wait, cld dis be jst a plain alasan eh? ermmm.. heh. aku will lift some wt. soon - kat rumah je senang. no alasan alasan.


but before dat - i think, i need to go downstairs dulu la.. lapar.










meh join aku -
bermalas2an. hehe

p/s; bukan mama san ye!










afraid?






dats y u din fight for me
and dats y u denied my feelings
dats y u chose to walk away
left me
and let me go
dats y u wldnt take a risk
making up excuses
acted like a jerk
and dats y u gav up
dats y u din giv everythg u can
and hav so many limitations
dats y u refused to open up
dats y u cried
dats y u cldnt commit
and made all those excuses
dats y u wont giv in to love
dats y u failed.



- or may be u were just afraid.


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Wednesday and tingtong-ness.








despite of feeling reluctant of goin to the farewell dinner held by K22 semlm, finally aku turned up.. for the sake of - i am among of the lecturers who welcoming em all to ere, and i gez i need to be there for smlm was the last nite seein em around.


started at 8pm (tp aku, Ajak and Aiman smpai around 8.30pm), i gez i did hav a great time as well - they r havin it kat Tropicana Grand Ballroom and Banquet, which is a new kinda nice place. the food - superb. the theme shld be black and gold - tp aku redah je la, try to be as casual as i am while other lecturers - most of em; the senior.. siap pakai rasmi la pulak. heh! tp meja aku sumer lecturers yg kepala goyang - Rod, Fina, Kak Yati, Yus, Azhar, Ajak, KF and Aiman - staf ofis.


by 2am - aku dah kat rumah. a bit tingtong-ness in me, aku mandi and hit MuMu. pagi ni - dun ask, rasa mcm zombi kg pisang.


nak tido kat ofis la..












dr kiri - KF, Aiman, me and the gals.








me and Rod.
look at her sokmo-pose.








another me and Rod.











Tuesday, December 14, 2010

auwwdit punya cerr..






Hari Audit Sedunia.




  • KF - 'ko neh dok pi balik pi balik dpn bilik aku.. aku dgr tapak kasut pun dah gerun'
  • Ajak - 'jgn dok tgk aku and gelak2. aku tau aku baik ari ni.. erk, ko cover la aku jap, pls.. aku kuar mkn jap je.. lapar neh!'
  • Fina - 'ko dok dtg bilik aku neh, pe cer? ada guspi odit baru kah?'
  • Rod - 'korg pi la mkn.. aku tak lalu la..'
  • Mr Hari - 'kensel the meeting.. i need a breather!'
  • Mr Elen - 'its ok CC, i'll make sure Shah will be audited nanti..' (kejis!)
  • Yus - 'Shah ko jgn la nak kenakan aku je.. risau la!! tak kan la punch kad pun dorg nak audit..' (hahahahaha..)
  • Kak Ton the CC - 'ni Shah ni Mr Elen, suruh dia masuk bilik audit.. tak abes2 nak kaco org'
  • Karuna - 'so far ok la.. the Skil Lab tak byk kena komen..' *yawn*
  • aku - dok bilik, masuk bilik org, ulang alik bancuh Nescafe.. dah dekat pkul 5 neh, nak audit aku ke tak? muahaha



*bley? hahaha








auwwwwwwwwwwwdit.







Hari Audit sedunia. SIRIM ok! semua org mode menikus, w'pun keje dokumentasi bagai dah tunggang langgang berminggu2 pulun nak siapkan. ada yg Sabtu Ahad pun turun ofis keje bagai - SIRIM audit nyer pasal. ada yg muka mcm catcibor berhari2 since kena keje lbey, so tadak masa nak ber-FB. ada yg terus kurus since tak dpt pi mkn like 4 - 5/sehari time keje. dan - ada jugak yg terus jadik baik, malas nak carot2 since takut nanti carot-an memakan diri, then kena audit. telepon bunyi je - pakat pucat lesi muka masing2. kalo toreh pun, tak pasti ada darah ke tak. gigih tak mo angkat telepon! so, berkodi-kodi lah Kak Jah Pendek si operator tu membebel 'nape la dorang neh tak nak angkat telepon, hah!', 'pi mana sumer neh?' kinda thang.


aku? kaget sket la. w'pun aku tau keje aku up-to-date. cuma which date, aku tak pasti. kalo kena panggil - aku pi je la ngadap. kalo dia tak panggil aku - aku je yg panggil dia. heh!


lecturer2 pempuan neh pakat tensi dgn aku - sibuk sgt tnya 'Shah ko tak takut ke?', 'Shah, ko tak takut ke?'. eh, pls la.. aku lagik takut kalo kena audit dgn Allah Taala di akhirat nanti, ok! bley?


---


err.. kalo aku nak cirit biret and pi klinik then amek MC, bley tak?



*huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa*





Monday, December 13, 2010

wat to choose?







15mins past 5. i am leavin now. i am gonna str8 away hit the gym, God sake. i need to channel out the so-called 'negative energy' in me - in a good way.


but then - i am havin dis numb kinda headache deep-seated, in my own head. which is i knw - the only 'ubat' for it is.. tido.


so? gym? or tido? shait. i hate choices.


*yawn*








shck87*!whe*%3@







crazy Monday. its like i really do work than anyone else in ere. i missed my breakie, i din get the chance to go for my lunch. 2 reports done - i still hav 2 pending. i need a break. talkin to someone wld be beautiful. wonderful. but then -



---



i knw dis aint rite - but i need to jot dis down. i need to vent dis out - all, out - now. it suffocates me. i knw dis feelin in me is so not rite - i shldnt be around dis feeling.. the scary, negative thinkin. i shldnt be breathing it, in and out. i shld cast it away, for it'd bring disaster. but i cant help it. i jst cant help it myself. i feel so left out. alone. theres so many thgs i wanna share, i wanna talk out - but i din get the chance.


i jst wish i cld turn back the time. jst.. the way it used to be. yet i knw it s so impossible.


'u hav to adapt. and adopt'. God.








Sunday, December 12, 2010

facing facts.






facts?






one of the factor dat is detrimental to success is the making of alibis. some ppl constantly r explaining and apologizing for themselves - finding excuses for their failings. "if only thgs ere different", as they say.


but i believe it is not dreaming and wishin but acting and workin dat make thgs different. dreaming and wishin r worth nthg at all unless backed by determination and effort. enuff said.


those who succeed dun dodge, dun camouflage - but face facts as they r in reality.


altho' s'times, it hurts.







bravery?








i am in deep shait dis coupla days - and i am sure dat doesnt help. i am not always a positive man. bad habits die hard. but i am tryin to, no.. scratch dat.. i am fighting to get back into the swing of thgs and dis lil slight really felt like a kick in the head.


may be i am just bein overly-sensitive lately. but i tot frens r the ones dat pull u up when ur havin a crappy days, weeks, months. no? haha.. nvm. i am not tryin to pass the blame. or perhaps - i am not really open up for ppl to let in and help. i shld be able to let it go. i am feelin hurt, b'coz i am lettin myself feel hurt. no one controls my pain, but me. i gez i am feelin dis way b'coz.. nah, forget it.


u were given this life because you’re strong enough to live it.



so - for another day, i am goin to point myself in the rite direction, try to make the rite choices.. and try to figure out where i belong.


to get up in the mornin only to knw that you’ll hav to face another obstacle takes strength. to smile when the only thg u can do is cry takes bravery. to act happy and laugh when u knw dat times are at their worst takes courage. to be joyous when the only good news is the best of the bad news takes support. to be there and help others thru the roughest times in life takes love..


there are two great days in a person’s life; the day they r born and the day they figure out why.


ur biggest challenge isn’t someone else. it’s the ache in ur lungs and the burning in ur legs. and the voice inside u dat screams can’t. but u dun listen, u push harder; and then u hear the voice inside u whisper can. and then u discover dat the person you thought u were is no match for the one u really are..


so, fail. be bad at thgs. be embarrassed. be afraid. be vulnerable. go out on a limb or two or twelve, and u will fall and it’ll hurt. but the harder u fall, the farther u will rise. the louder u fall, the clearer ur future becomes. failure is a gift, welcome it - so they say.. there are people who spend their whole lives wondering how they became the people they became, how certain chances pass them by, why they didn’t take the roads less traveled. but, unfortunately - those people aren’t u. u have front row seats to ur own transformation, and in transforming urself, u might even transform the world. and it will be electric, and i promise it will be terrifying. embrace that; embrace the new person ur becoming. dis is your moment. i promise you, it is now, now, not two minutes from now, not tomorrow, but really now. own dat; know that deep in ur bones. and go to sleep every night knwin that, wake up every morning rememberin dat. and then .. keep goin.


u change for only two reasons: u learn enough dat u want to, or u hurt enough that u hav to.





damn. i gotta read em all back - wat i've jst wrote.



*yawn*