Saturday, October 30, 2010

not-so-Amazing Race.

by the time done wit kedai kamera at Pertama Kompleks - the time was like already 12.30pm somethg - and we know we r gnna be in deep shait - for we r behind schedule. naik LRT - Touch n Go plak buat hal - aku kena beatur like damn - panjang seh! kaunter byk, tp yg bukak satu je.. around 1.30pm - smpai KL Sentral. terkejar2 plak cari bus ke LCCT.. and the bus was like kena tunggu btol2 seats sumer penuh, baru nak jalan. berpeluh jap celah bedah bila tgk jam. it is well known the ride wld take like and hr from KLS to LCCt by bus. so - masing2 muka dah mcm cepap - risau etc. tp yg penting - aku sempat jugak tertido dlm bus. hehehe.. and lapar! heh.
3pm smpai LCCT. masing2 terkejar2 heret beg masing2 ala2 Amazing Race from one point to another. masuk je - kaunter yg sepatutnya bukak, dah tadak org. panik sekejap - thanks God the staff was still there.. and mcm biasak - Air Asia - tu tak kena, ini tak kena.. and the kaunter we checked in - ada masalah teknikal plak. heh.
finally - by 3.30pm - we r down ere, think and wondering y la pintu T10 yet to be open while dah ramai tunggu infront of it. and gez wat? instead on 3.50pm - jadik 5pm. aku geram pun ada. tensi pun ada. perut lapar, nak terkenc sumer ada..
so ere i am - layan wifi free yg again, mcm cepap. jap ok, jap tak ok.
argkhh..

1st day

jst woke up. smlm - after done wit own personal thang - aku went out for a dinner at Suraya's in Kampung Baru and off to WOTC in Yap Kwan Seng to hav coffee - where aku terserempak dgn Che Am and Zaid. yeap - suprisingly. Che Am - the last time aku meet him pun dah lama.. and Zaid - for the first time aku jumpak dia. nice guy, talkactive. we were talking as if we've met up before..
by 2am - smpai bilik. mandi2 and off for MuMuLand. woke at at 6am, lepak2 jap, down for breakie..
by 2pm - aku will be in LCCT.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

nite nite!






done wit the packing thang. aku was kinda sleepy after dining out jst now - had a bowl of chicken soup and tea-o-ais. and aku done went thru stdnts aku nyer research tadik kat ofc. since aku tak sempat review any of 5 of em ptg tadik - aku set up appointments for em all to come and see me at nite in the office - which means - aku kena turun ofis jap, tadik. but its ok - its done now, and i am glad. rather than aku bertangguh2 till abes cuti nanti.



gotta hit MuMuLand now. darn i cant wait for trow. gnite, peeps!






counting down.. hehe








thank God. i jst love a day like dis. easy breezy. no big-shoots to woot woooot ur arse around. no many seniors around. and not many ppl, around as well! damn - i feel like i am the Director today. yeah - today. only for today lah! muahahaha.. yeah - not many lecturers r around. and i wonder y? so whos teaching aye? erm - like.. do i care? hahaha.. all i know is i am havin a revision class dgn budak sem 1 nanti 3 to 5. and dats for the day!


and i cant help myself to hav my head there at home, doin the packing. hehe


---


semlm - alhamdulillah, thgs went well. i was there in Pusat Latihan Pegawai Pegawai Penjara Taiping, Jbtan Penjara M'sia - bagi talk for the whole day, there. tajuk - Interpersonal Communication, Time Management, Assertiveness (i know..), Problem Solving & Decision Making (yeah, i know!!). there r like Sarjan, Koperal, Warder and such - mix crowd - old, not-so-old, and young guys. initially i had kinda tough time - since they r all like so damn bloody formal - but towards the end, i managed to 'loosen-em-up' a bit - rimas kalo terlalu formal weh! the talk shldve been done by 5pm. tp since the Q&A pjg sgt - around 6 baru settled and aku berebut2 balik Ipoh dlm ujan yg like.. argkh! lebat siot! and u will never even stumbled into such heavy rain in Ipoh, except if ur in Taiping. duh!!


but then again - i am glad for thgs went well. and the treatment given while i was there for the whole day - kinda nice as well. perhaps again - they r just like dat.


---


lunch wit Aiman, Fazly and Sharul. sumer org2 ofis je. since Ajak et al - ntah tak nampak btg idung pun ari neh.. perhaps - since kucing tak dak - tikus berjogging-jogging. kejis. so - aku layan je la telinga aku dgr to all sort of dis and dat regarding office politiking among em all. usual thang - dat is. nothg new pun..


mlm ni kena dtg ofis jap - aku kena settle kan budak2 research bwh aku neh - since starting tomorrow (again!) - i am gonna be away.. like - yeah, away away far away.. (yayyy!).


damn. dah dekat pkul 3pm. see ya!





Tuesday, October 26, 2010

gnite!







finally i am home - for good. penat plak rasa. was in Sri Malaysia for jamuan wit budak2 neh.. tak semua lecturer di jemput - i am not sure y. food - ok. the crowd - best. budak2 neh ok je - bila aku hala kamera - pakat2 nak posing.. nanti la esok2 aku upload pics.


final look at slides aku for trow whole day talk - Interpersonal Communication, Problem Solving & Decision Making and Time Management & Assertiveness. aku ngantok, rasa tak sedap badan. the only hope i am havin now - aku'd get up early trow mornin wit a good health to drive up to Taiping and survive the whole day, bagi talk to all the pegawai penjara there..


g'nite. see u ppl in MumuLand!







yay!! err.. is it 'yayy!!'?







i received coupla sms-es from the same number, asking me y i am kinda 'thin' now, tak sihat or sakit, tak mcm dulu and such. first - aku was skeptical.. since dat particular number tadak dlm my own phone-book. aku tak layan pun - tp since 2 - 3 msg askin me so and 'if ur sick and i'd feel sad' kinda thang - aku started to wonder - saper neh? bila plak dia tgk aku? and the most important thang - whos dis? and - not again! but after aku tanya such question; whos dis.. where do u get my number? and thank God - no more msges masuk from dat particular number. pelik bin ajaib. or is it binti? heh.


coupla thgs to ponder - 1) aku thank God no more msges after aku asked such question.. ko nak stalked aku ke, haper ke.. ikut la. 2) aku kurus? like - aku kurus? ru sure? wow. aku kurus? damn! aku kurus! may be tak la kurus kot.. may be kurus dr dulu. but then - aku kurus? wow. i mean - woowwwwwww!



hahaha.. joke of the day.






my phone!!








reached the office around 6.50am.. wit a clear head, today. alhamdulillah. enuff sleep, good thang in head and such. damn i hope dis gonna be last long - till i hit the MuMuLand, tonite insyaAllah. went thru the schedule - i was like.. darn! wat to do today? jeles? dun be. it aint like everyday aku mcm ni. and i dun think i'd go hanging balls around pun - i still hav coupla thgs pending to be done - before aku off, away from the office again - dis coming Friday.


so - aku decided to call back sumer stdnts yg posting Psychiatric back to the kolej for some diskusi/case clerking presentation and such - instead of aku pi ambush dorang kat ward - which i dun feel like doin it, today. and ptg at 3pm - since budak2 Fina ada masa kosong - aku request to go in - i wanna go thru a bit here and there on Psychology/Sociology - a bit of revision, u can call it then. supposedly Mr Zul yg handle it dis Friday since aku not around - tp leavin ur task into someone's hand - aku a bit skeptical. not dat aku tak percaya org laindoing my own work - tp.. kalo aku buat sendiri lagik puas ati.


mlm ni ada Majlis Makan Malam Ukhwah Anjuran BAHIES - Badan Hal Ehwal Pelatih berugama Islam at Sri Malaysia. aku baru teringat - budak2 neh jemput like a week back. heh. thank God aku tadak pe2 mlm ni - cuma gym kena ptg la..


---


geram aku kat Nokia XM 5800 aku neh dah memuncak. skrin plak wat hal. bila off skrin lock - skrin jadi berbelak2 u cant see anythg at all. kena plak off and on the phone. kalo sekali dua tak pe la.. tp ni makin kerap. sdey larr.. argkhh!








Google?












then life wld be much easier, eh?
ermm..









Monday, October 25, 2010

a/c






beautiful morning please don't wake me from my sleep
cuz I need some comfort to regain my sanity
and I don't wanna feel this crazy, I don't wanna feel discarded
shattered into million pieces

i'm so brokenhearted
nowhere left to run
nowhere left to go
so I hope..


i swear that everyday I feel like my mind is haunting me
i think of every little stupid mistake that has been made
this time I don't have the strength to gather myself
and I'm falling to pieces


and I pray for forgiveness, look for the answers
cuz it's hard for me to pretend
look to my mother, call to the captain
can't you see this state that I'm in
i pray for forgiveness, looking for justice
searching for answers, call to my mother
pray for forgiveness, breaking the silence
and nobody knows this, nobody noticed
that it's me where it begins..



..pray for forgiveness/alicia keys.








papaho?







reached the office by 7.05am dis morning, only to receive a call dat i gotta hit the road again and off for Penang. again. aku rasa penat, still. i had lots of thg to be done - i hav to re-schedule. i usually will skip dis. but dis time around - i dun think i would. i jst need to. and i hav to.


many thgs in my head. apart i've went thru a tough weekend - alhamdulillah, i went thru well. i am learning, i started to get to knw myself pretty much better. it sounds weird. but i gez - dats the way it is.


u hav a great Monday. as for me - i wish i'd hav one.


dis long journey i know where its gonna end.








Friday, October 22, 2010

..







i am leaving the office now. i dun think i can stand lingering around all dis shait anymore. my eyes r aching. and so does my head. i feel like nauseated lookin dis the mess on my table, figures and such. i jst need to leave all dis behind. leave work, at work. i wish. but i dun think so.


apart of me dealing wit all dis shait - i try to keep myself bz. my head has been wandering around - all over places. i tried so hard to stay positive - dat thgs r goin to be alrite.. dat thgs r jst fine - but dammit, i jst cant help myself.


i am not sure if i've done wrong. i am not sure if all the steps i take cld bring me disaster. i knw somethg is wrong somewhere. somethg went wrong somewhere. i dun knw.


i am hungry. i dun feel good - emotionally, physically. i jst wanna get home. and throw myself in own crib.


damn i feel like backin off.




..












wondering..











Fly-Day.








half day thru - an i cant still settle down thgs and stay calm. theres so many thgs to do, to be done.. and theres so many thgs as well - marching up my head. aku nyer CPD session went well - Pengarah seniri yg chaired the session. towards the end of it - aku kinda sad since Ramesh was sort of using my slot/my title (Art of Listening) siap 'bertikam lidah' wit Pengarah sendiri for some reason yg out of the topic yg aku bentang. everybdy knws Ramesh was like having sort of 'unsettle biz' wit Pengarah, and everybdy understand well too, dat Pengarah need to defends his ownself - especially dpn anak2 buah seniri. since it turned out to be dat kinda session and no question asked - aku remain senyap sunyi, tgk and dengar je la..


it noon now, yet aku tak dgr pe2 news and aku only received a msg jer.. which worries me. damn i hope thgs r ok. for it never been dis way.









wat block?






writer's block?




i wanted to write. i jst dun knw where to start. i wanted to jst lay all single thgs in my head - yet, by the time aku one dis page - aku was like.. err.. which first eh? i mean - which come first? wat to write? ended up - i din come up wit any. its been days since i last do some updating - and theres quite a lot to write hell yeah. for the past coupla days - i wasnt in the office. 8 to 5 in HRPB Ipoh, handling BLS Course for doctors/paramedics and such. kinda new. interesting as yet.


and i've been skipping my gym routine as well. shait.


gotta run back as usual ptg ni, and hit the gym as well, tnite - for i wont be able to do dat during dis weekend.


btw - damn.. its TGIF. yippppieeeeeeeeeeeyay yee!!











Monday, October 18, 2010

on the go.






its 6.45am - and i gez its way too early still to get out of the house. i will be hitting the road again -the usual route to Pantai Remis, Beruas and Parit for clinical visits/teaching. frankly speaking - i dun feel like doin dis, i'd love to re-schedule; but i dun think i'd be able to do so - mls nak tangguh2 keje since its gonna be kinda pack dis week, and and next week.


rasa tak brp sedap badan. kinda drowsy. light headed.


damn. not now. at least - not today.






Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sunday the Sutinah Day.








its Sunday. the day wit the great sun in it. hell yeah. and hell warm, as well. aku terjaga around 4am and tertido balik rite til 6.45am - and Subuh belum, kelam kabut since aku hav to be there in Padang Polo at 7.30am. by 7.20am aku alrdy there - aerobic for an hr, jogging for another 45mins.. and i am done - heading home.



its Sutinah Day, today. the day when u shld be doin nothg except mengemas rumah et al. being Sutinah as if Indo nyer org gaji - aku used to it. after all dis is my house, kalo aku tak kemas - saper lagi? so - aku started wit sapu lantai, vacuum ere and there, mop lantai atas bawah, tukar cadar sumer katil, sarung2 bantal, do the laundry, cuci sumer bilik2 air, lap debu bagai. itu baru dlm rumah - luar pun aku redah jugak since today is the only day. kalo tangguh2 - sha2 la aku tak settle bila2 pun.. so - aku gardening sket2, tukar air2 pokok aku, baja pokok, racun rumput and yeha - sapu lantai luar rumah. by 2pm - aku dah tersadai.. in towel sejak balik dr Padang Polo. haha.. mandi, lunch sket, Zohor.. and aku tertdo rite till 4pm. fuuhhhhh!!



now the disastrous part - lipat kain. argkhhh! dis is another one thang yg aku hate of doin. aku nowadays dah kinda ok wit do the dishes - aku used to hate myself bila kena basuh pinggan.. yuckkss! but now - think i am ok wit it. best plak main2 sabun tgk pinggan kotor then bersih kilat2.. and aku dah ok sket when it comes to shaving my own face - the goatee, the beard misai bagai.. tp still - the skill - damn i gotta learn it well yeah. aku cant help to cut my face again and again - tp no more bleed to death, God sake. above all - heh, i am learnin! hehe



err.. gotta go. nak pi kedai mamak potong rambut. and.. yeah, trim misai janggut. hehe






Saturday, October 16, 2010

gym-thang.





my Body Alignment.
hehe






at 2am, aku dah terjaga.. terkulat2 atas katil serba tak kena. aku moved to the other room, as if i'd go crashing back, again. by 4.30am - i think - i dozed off, thanks God. sedar2 dah dkt 7am and aku tak Subuh lagik! bley?


the bodyache starts to set in now. aku nyer legs sakit giler esp naik turun tangga and time solat. semlm buat chest pun tak sesakit neh.. sengal2 sket je. kena cari Brufen weh, stock dah abes.. but its ok - i am enjoyin dis. the feelin of satisfaction in me after each session. i am doin cardio and gym selang sehari la - jst like Bryan told me. i need to do dis - i hav 2 weeks to go. bley? haha


i love bein in the gym. seein all those ppl workin out so hard, pushin em self beyond the limit - it courage me to do better. but, as for me - there are 3 types of ppl yg pergi gym neh; a) the lingering, b) the blah blah blah, c) the woooooooooooooof!!..


  • the lingering;

these kinda guys r yg jenis dtg gym tak la nak work out sgt, cuma nak tgk2 tongkol besi and tgk2 org je.. then belek2 hp. bila time org guna brg and such - they wld go and stand beside u, as if waiting for their turn - tho they know ur not done wit yr reps yet, tp gigih nak jugak.. tp bila dah bagi chance - buat gtew2 je and blah. tak cukup cycle, tak tau brp reps buat. kejis. and u dun really know wat they r doin. jap buat shoulder, tiber2 pi buat abs., then chest, then leg.. eh - all in one eh for one session? damn.


  • the blah blah blah..

haiyoooo.. dis is another one. damn aku cannot tolerate one. i am sorry to say - most of em r Malay. yg jenis kepochi neh. dia tau ur workin out, and u dun hav like the whole day nak spend kat gym. but then - they love doin dis - askin u hows yr day, where do u work, lambat dtg ari ni, naper lambat dtg, naik pe dtg gym, dtg sorang ke, dah lama ke join gym, ada amek supplement ke, ada amek protein ke blah blah blah blah.. adoi. aku tak kisah la setakat sket2, breaking the ice so dat bley jadik partner workin out ke.. tp smpai keje pe, tmpat keje sumer bagai nak tau.. never ever! pantang nenek moyang cucu cicit aku. bagi aku - gym is the place u workin out. u go there, do wat u wanna do till u puke, and off u go. buat kwn sket2, kenal2 member gym sket. nothg more and nothg less. aku tak suka kalo org ajak menyembang time aku do my routine. kejis!


  • the woooooooooooooof!!

hahaha.. remember 'mr wooofff' in my old entry last time? dis is another kinda guy. he is in his own world. kinda syok seniri. gym dah tetapkan rules and regulation ko tak bley separuh bogel (it is tak pakai baju) while in gym.. but these guys - they cldnt careless. jst becoz their badan r so like.. errr. nah, i shldnt start. i mean - of coz, cantek siot! aku tgk pun rasa nak nanges pilu. tp, attitude mcm harem. mana ada cermin, kat situ le ada set neh. angkat sket, jerit kena lbey. and sora pitch tetap. angkat sket, again jerit kena lbey. dan angkat besi tu kena lah di hadapan cermin ye adik2! aiyoooo..



but then - aku wit my own plan lah. aku pun suka juga tgk2 cermin - see any changes or not. tp tak la conquer the whole dinding yg berchermin sambel 'wooooooooof' ere and 'wooooooooooof' there. aku pun tgk2 jgk hp once in a while, risau kalo2 nanti tak jwb call penting bagai - jenuh la plak kang. and yeah - aku pun sembang la sket2 pe patot, aku tak suka nanti org ckp aku kekwat tak tentu hala.. after all, tak rugi kalo berbaik2, and ramai kawan pun.


and as for me - all these kinda ppl, made my life really. best tgk dorang neh. byk yg aku belajar, of coz. aku mls nak komen pe2, tp aku prefer to see em, and aku learn a thg or two. regarding behaviors and such, the id, ego and super-ego et al.


damn. i gotta hav somethg for my breakie and amek ubat la. naik tangga je rasa nak terkentot. cemaneh? heh!







Friday, October 15, 2010

surprise!










hahaha.. dammit i love surprises! and dis came in rite on time. it hits rite thru me. i was jst done wit solat Jumaat when i received a call from unknw guy - told me dat he is from one of the express courier - asking me if i am a student or a staff. 10 minutes later.. tadaaaaaa..


i was shocked. yet i am smiling. dammit i am still smilin from ear to another.


thank u so much for dis. its been 2 days now - but its ok.


thank so freakin much! hohoho..





post-UPM.




mak abah..
i thank God for having em both, my fmly et al - all the way.
and i am proud to share the moment
wit em, as well.







me and Hafiz, Ina and few seniors.








post-ceremony..
damn hot! yet kinda cool in it. hehe







candid - kak ngah amek dis
cant remember wats in my head.








mess wit me?
heh.








few pics taken by kak ngah during my convo day - UPM last 13 Oct 2010. coupla nice thgs happened - which was i never expected it to be dat way. Wawa was there out of the blue, bringing me flowers and such - i was kinda shocked, but happy in the same time. good wishes and such came pouring in my mobile. coupla calls, as well.


i wanna shared the good and the bad time i went thru all dis - but not now. it was tough alrite - when ur working, and u gotta deal wit ur study as well. the ups and downs, and such. the struggles. alhamdulillah - aku managed to went thru it all, nicely. of course - i wanted to go on wit more - taking dis as a starting point. but then - ..









my legs! argkhhh..








its a long day yesterday - yet a kinda good one. well - it was, for if i aint sayin it was a good one - who wld, then? its all in ur head, in ur hand - remember? started my day; yesterday - masuk office awal as usual since - i barely remember how was my schedule wld be like; aku rasa there's a clinical teaching/visiting yet i cant remember where. so - masuk office - cdg nak tgk2 schedule je - tp stuck there for about 2hrs up till 10am. Mr Bong tgk je muka aku - 'Shah, dtg jap jumpak aku' and aku'd go throwin fits for aku tau - mesti ada keje. and all those students - ada je.. ttp buku log, itu ini.. Ajak plak - sibuk ajak aku for a breakie - which was like, danm - payah siot aku nak 'say no!'.


it took me like an hr plus to get there in Ayer Tawar. KK Ayer Tawar, dat is. jalan ok - tp dgn lori, truck etc.. argkhhh.. and i hate driving alone, lately. blasting my stereo out loud - doesnt help anymore. bila dah ngantuk - there's nthg much dat i can do. bukak tingkap, off aircond pun tak jalan.. smapi Ayer Tawar dah around noon - budak2 neh sibuk nak kuar lunch bagai. so - aku tak lama pun. most of em r doin well, we had great Local Preceptors over there, and aku aint worry dat much. hit the road - aku decided to call off the day - shldve gone to Pangkor.. but Pangkor? at dis time? wat time nak balik? argkhhh.. the word then is - re-schedule. shait.


after like byk ari aku tak hit the gym - finallyaku did semlm. Bryan tak abes2 dgn senyum perli dia - aku feel like to hit him dgn one of barbell. aku first wanted to do some shoulder je - lama dah tak angkat berat, mls nak heavy2. but he wanted me to combine 'a bit of legs' as well. he knws dat is the only routine yg aku paling culas skali nak buat. malas! and shait - a bit of hell yeah - after 2 hrs - aku turun tangga gym rasa nak melorot je. or as if rasa nak duduk buat mcm papan gelongsor the minimons main kat playground too. or perhaps - turun tangga mcm mak Ju-On buat, minus the sound-effect af course. balik rumah - the sore over peha aku started to set in, cari Brufen dah abes.. huwaaaaa.. and gez wat? pagi ni aku bgn tido pi bilik air jalan mcm Zombie Kg Pisang.. fcuk, its painful! but then again - perkhhh.. aku puas ati.









walk like an Egyptian -
jst like Joshie said.





---


at work now. ikut schedule - i hav nothg much in store. CPD je kot soon. and may be ptg nanti - aku'd call all the students yg posting Psychiatry to come back and do a bit of discussion. and ptg nanti - perhaps a jog and off to the gym.


and gez wat? its exactly 2 weeks to go, today. damn i cant wait.


---


life is a journey. it aint a destination. we bump into a lot along the way. incidents, ppl and such. since life is a journey - we shldnt let anythg stand in our own way. it aint a destination - it stops only when we die. so - we gotta move on. we'd learn nothg if we stuck in the same place - for a long time.


we r all plain human being. flesh and blood. we do mistake every now and then - and if we ever do, we do say sorry.. for dats the way it is. but as for me - when ppl say sorry and such - u shldnt go and make a mess about it. its either 2 - u forgive and forget or u choose not to forgive and not to forget. if u forgive and forget - be it. say nothg after it.


---


i started to feel annoying lately - for coupla thgs. but i decided to not to say a word about it. it'd be wasting my time. i dun wanna act like a fool. and i dun wanna be one. if dis keep on goin - i'll make a pack. i'll completely stay away then.


i hate doin it, God sake. but if i left wit no choices - i'll do wat i hav to.

















Wednesday, October 13, 2010

finally..

Dok q tak pggl2 msuk dwn lagi. Berpeluh2 aku dlm gaun neh. I mean, jubah. Tadak sapa nak amek gmbr. And aku nak bunga!

UPM-ing.








cant really sleep. crashed early at 10pm last nite - i alrdy wide awake at 1am. byk benda dlm paler otak - one of it - i gotta be in UPM for the konvokesyen ceremony rite on time. heh.


dah bgun pun. me and my fmly gonna hit the road now.


i wish i cld be havin some frens there - beside my fmly. kak yang, cik et al. but basically - its a working day, and i cant demading thgs dat way.


btw - congratulation, Shahe!


*heh*












Tuesday, October 12, 2010

dats for today! hehe












first impression -
jenuh la aku.. kematu bontot!









tp tak smpai 3 jam lbey aku kat sana..
tadaaaaaaaaa..






supposedly i had 'nothg much' today (except for continuing marking papers and asgments - when Fina walked into my room askin as if aku nak ke tak masuk her tutorial time - covering her up since she had somethg to do. so - since aku pun ada reshedule time dgn budak2 dia - masuk je la finish up another one hr on thier Sosiology - Group Dynamic/Communication. cukup sejam - aku perambat budak2 neh kuar minum - it was like 9.30am.. bersuka suki budak2 neh aku tgk.. tahan dlm kelas pun tak guna - sah2 la ada sorang dua yg tak reti bahasa akan hilang jugak.. so better off sumer skali senang.


lps brunch dgn Aiman and Fazly budak2 ofis neh - aku terus blah ke Imigresen Ipoh. aku tau - dis kinda office kalo ko tak pi seawal Subuh sepie', silap gaya matahari terbenam pun tka settle2 lagik.. at least dats wat in my head la - their services (or any other department as well) selalunya lousy giler.. siap elok bwk tikar mengkuang bentang bwh pokok tepi parking, bawa bekal makan minum bagai - so its gonna be worth waiting. but then - time aku smpai je KDN sana - org bley tahan ramai, isi borang, p/stat IC sumer.. amek number - dannggggg!! aku kena tunggu like 30 org somethg infront of me! berpeluh jap aku tgk the figura. siap aku pi kantin, tandas and balik tmpt menunggu - erm, surprisingly dlm 20 minit dah kena panggil my number.


abes submit borang segala mala, dah byr - aku dorang bagi resit. suruh tunggu. 1.50pm siap amek kat kaunter 17 katanyer.. jam baru 11.50am. errr.. tunggu lagik. nasib la ada call in - bley la jugak aku 'bunuh masa'. 1.20pm - brother kat kaunter tu perasan aku dok pegang resit and dia panggil aku soh submit the resit. he was like, 'naper inche tak kasik resit kat kaunter neh?'. walhal member dia tadik siap suruh aku duduk diam and around 1.30pm baru antar resit utk collection. kejis.. rupanya, pasport aku dah siap! heh.


1.30pm aku dah start kete balik ofis. hehehe..


kudos KDN. tak pyh aku spend masa like the whole 1 hari 1 malam kat sana like used to. or even worst - 3 ari baru siap.


siap satu perkara.. peh ni - errr.. jap nak tgk list. hehe








Monday, October 11, 2010

gnite.



reached home by 7pm - aku dah btol2 mentally, physically exhausted. i feel like to crash early - but still; aku hav coupla thgs to be done before trow morn. i hate doin dis - i remember telling myself way back then dat i gotta leave work at work.. but now - i am messing up the whole shait.


coupla thgs keep bothering me and i aint kinda like it dis way. i wish i cld be bold enuff to say thgs out and handle it well like others do - but then..


---


dis coming 13th is gonna be another big day for me - after all dis yrs aku've been struggling - time, resources and such - and finally, i did it well alhamdulillah. thank to my family, mak abah and adik2.. i dun knw where wld i be w/o their good words and pat on my back during some of my toughest time..


but then - i am not sure y i dun really feel the thrill. the excitement. i feel like to go up on the stage, get the whole thang done rite - and off i go. i feel like goin there sorg2 je - the less ppl know, the better.


i knw dis is wrong. but i cant help feeling dis way.


damn. gnite anyway.














ermm..








..








today is not the day i want the way it to be. i wish i cld skip the day, dat is - today. started it by havin sort of bitter taste left in mouth - i gotta brace myself thru shait yg aku hate to face it, God sake.


i had coupla thgs due, i am tryin so hard to look out for time doin it - and its not dat i am not tryin. but all those ppl up there r thinkin as if i am havin 8 hands or somethg and i dun hav live out apart from livin life in ere - dlm office neh; dat i hav to dedicate my 24/7 doin office thang. Mr H dah perli2 aku and others - and aku was kinda hilang sabar on it - aku jwb dgn celupar je which i knw he was kinda 'shocked' havin reply from me. aku geram still. yet aku tak regret pun. be it. at least he knws how it is, and wat i am. even he's my 2nd boss - i tot u shld understand ur staffs pretty enuff. jadik boss senang la - in and out the off, travel ere and there, kuar memos and such.. yg buat keje kuli batak - ur not doin it after all. aku geram sgt.


a conversation thru the handphone kills off my sickness for dats wat i've been waitin for, for the call - but then - it left sort of numbness in me. it hits rite thru me. i dun ask dis to happen. it cld be my mistake - but when ppl took me in a wrong way, and started to be so melancholic ere and there - wat wld i be? shld i go defense myself and bein so defensive? of shld i jst keep my mouth shut - wit the tot dat the person cldve get the big picture, but obviously - it aint? i knw - ppl said it took 2 to Tango. i dun wanna be rude. i hate myself to hurt others. and it turns out it hurts myself back in return. and i hav to face the consequences. perhaps i shld stop being nice to ppl.


i had assignments to mark, markah nak like trow. watdya expect? student baru hantar, dah terus nak key in markah?


Mr B is goin overboard. askin me dis and dat. for his coming talk - he needs me to do 40 MCQs - where as dats he's slot! i feel like cryin. setting questions r not as easy as u mght think. and i cld be turnin from mad to insane.


i had no breakie. i missed my lunch. all i had dis morn., was a big mug of Nescafe.


at dis point of time - i wish i cldve talk to someone. jst listen to me. no judgin, no nothg. jst listen to me. but i gez - everybdy hav their own thgs to deal wit.


and damn.. i jst wanna go home.







mown-day, again!








another Monday, post so-called 101010. erm, 101010? wats dat? *sigh* i gez - as for me, nothg special pun, its jst a plain number. its a date. last year there was 090909, a year before was like 080808.. next year - 111111. so? hehe


kinda hectic Sunday yesterday. woke up early at 4am, aku dah tak bley tido - 6am Subuh, siap2 off for a jog and usual aerobik. balik rumah, had some plain breakfast, siap2 for another Community Work - aku dijemput untuk bg ceramah regarding physical and mental health among the elderly - anjuran one of the MCA nye cwgan kat Ipoh neh. thank God - yg dtg sumer ok2, educated. and i dun hav to talk in Mandarin watever not. balik - aku terus ke kolej - jadi juri untuk saringan karoake idol mender ntah anjuran budak2 neh.. since final next week. ok jugak - kelakar pun ada, yg bagus pun ada.. yg so so pun ramai, yg ke laut tp confident giler.. lagik ramai. errmm.. by 4pm tak settle2 lagik - aku dah penat, telinga dah bingit, and aku dah lapar.. basically - aku hav to skip one of the rumah terbuka, since dah lewat.


balik at 5pm, dorg ajak kuar plak pi Tesco - beli brg bagai.. and aku jst follow - tho deep down, darn i need a lil bit of crashin God knows! by 9pm finally aku dah kat rumah - paper budak2 tak marking lagi, assgments dorg tak sentuh2 lagik sekotak A4 Double A tu. errmm.. mandi2, solat and aku started drillin.


woke up wit the wish i dun hav to go thru dis kinda day. i hate dis. the feelin of groogy and such. and coupla thgs yg buat aku serabut and a bit more.


btw - happy Moan-day! *yawn*










Saturday, October 9, 2010

gym-ing-less









hit me!
erk - i mean; hit it!!








i've tried lately, but i jst missed the gym.. and workin out. i felt hollow inside. i went to the gym coupla days back and got my membership renewed. Bryan seemed to be glad to see me back to the gym, wit kinda cynical smile on his face - yeah, i am not even 6 pax as yet, dammit. the gym - its clean and frenly place. and i once told relatively empty in the morn., which is the way i like my gyms to be - not to populated - wit those kinda ppl. i mean - a lot kind of ppl. when i am feelin vulnerable, angry and stress - i jst wanna go to the gym, workout and not hav to look anyone in the eye, especially myself.



on my good days, i walk wit my shoulders back - wit a positiveness in my walk. i hardly notice the flabby parts dat i am carrying arround - becoz i am workin it off, slow but sure. no - i am not dreaming of 6 pax God sake. a bit of tone wld be nice, indeed. i smile, and i am outgoin and not afraid to approach ppl.



but on my less good days, i tend to walk closer to the wall, tryin to disappear into the background. i hesitate to speak - in case i am questioned on somethg i dun know. or somethg i cldnt careless of. i avoid speakin in meetings. i'd tend to keep thgs to myself. i am not completelt comfortable wit the way ppl r put out on limbs in them - afraid to be singled out. almost sick at the tot.



i notice dat when i am not workin out, or even out for a jog - i hav more bad days than usual. i am more cautious. afraid to take a leap.


when i am workin out - it seems to set my followin day for success. i feel more confident, less nervous. if i dun know the answer to a question - i will find it out. nobdy knws everythg under the sun, after all. i am more comfortable in my own skin.


i knw all dat - i mean, i wrote it to me - for me. so y cant i get back into the stride of thgs? *sigh*


part of it is b'coz i've let myself not to be the most important thg to me, i've takes the focus off of me - and put on somethg else. well - i gotta put it to the stop somehow. i cant make others decide thgs the way i want em to, but i can make a decision to focus on myself.






..





..






its been a year and 4 months now..
i may not know every single thang about u - but i know
and i am still tryin
to learn more -
the curve of ur face
the resolve in ur soul
how fast ur world moves
and how ur fragile ur heart is..








life. again.









on dis day..





on dis day - God wants u to knw - dat decision is only a wishful thinkin until u take dat first irreversible step. u can tell urself dat u hav alrdy decided; dat nothin now can stop u - but if dat dat step backwards is so much safer than the step forwards - wat will hold u to ur path when the goin gets tuff? sometimes - the rite thg to do is to take dat first irreversible step, the one after which u cannot go back. and now - for u, is one of those times.


on dis day, God wants u to know - dat when u come to a wall, u can either climb it, or u can simply walk around until u find a door. the principle is - dun make life so hard. life's short. we shld celebrate life as it is. and make it worth a while. so - look for the doors!


on dis day - God wants u to know; dat ur a human being, not a human doin. take time to jst be, to breathe slowly, to feel ur body dat is the temple of ur own soul. no activities. no worries. no buzzing.


on dis day, God wants u to know - dat ur blessed. u may think u hav challenges, but u hav so many blessings. sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. once u focus on the gifts instead of the problems, ur whole perspective will change and u will see blessings everywhere.


on dis day - God wants u to know dat all is well. all is goin accordin to plan. trust dat there is a bigger picture. trust dat life is unfolding as it shld.


---


sometimes - i wish life wld be as easy as we scream it out to be.


but it aint.








Friday, October 8, 2010

..






its been a long day. and i bet - tomorrow as well.
i jst wanna get rid of all these,
as soon as i can..

gnite!











ur life?















ur life.
and its urs!






Thank God Its F***shait. errr..







crashed early last nite. wake up at 5.30am. mandi. pressed my baju melayu - its Friday. made myself a big mug of Nescafe - its a must - tho i know i'd go suffer the consequences.. heh, who cares? caffeine to kick off my day! replyin some e-mails. wandering around FB for a while. paid some bills on-line. replied msges. on my hp - damn, i forgot to get it charged. solat. jumped into my blazing, flaming red baju melayu - cant find my songkok (and forget it!). finished up my Nescafe infront of the idiotbox. heat up my engine. hit the road. off to the office.


in the office - went thru my schedule. classes 5hrs in a row. CME/CPD. clinical briefing. memos. meetings. can someone do me a favour? cut me into pieces so i can run em all - in one shot?


argkhhh!!


damn i gotta go for my breakie first.






Thursday, October 7, 2010

g'nite.



reached home by 10.35pm, after like more than 1hr aku stranded in my own car - i wish thgs wld be better, but lately - it aint. i started to lose control over my own self, and dats pathetic.


i gez i gotta get use to it after all. next week is gonna be one of the highlight event in life, insyaAllah. before another one towards end of the month.


and after all dat - i cld stay low, and i wont be goin around wishin for dis and dat, any longer. tho God knows, i wanna do a lot, really. theres coupla thgs left undone - kelas renang, kelas photography to name a few.


God gimme strength.


g'nite.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

blessing.







theres things in life u dun want it to happen, but it does. and there r thgs in life ur wishin to God above for at least - it'll come true - somehow it cld be stayin a bit further, drifting away from u. and it left u wondering why. and theres time in life - when u knw thgs r gonna be alrite - dat its jst a matter of time; but at the end, it left u some kinda bitter taste in ur mouth and drown u in sadness - for it'd never come true.


its been a long day for me, today. started as early as 3am in the morn., till i drove back reachin home around 6.30pm.. i wish i need not to go thru all dis, but thgs jst happened. and all i can do is to keep tellin myself dat 'thgs r gonna be jst fine', and dat i am 'gonna be alrite' - tho i knw they were all jst a plain white lies.


erm. i shld go count blessin. rather than anythg, at all.


gnite.









Monday, October 4, 2010

mown-day!







went thru a lot of thgs lately - some r good, some r like.. erm, i dun find words to describe it tho. but i gez - dats the way it is - and i hav no right to complain. as for me - its better to brace myself and see for the greener side of every single thg - rather than to jst keep complaining when theres nothg u can do about it. and at least - it comforts me a lot.


more open houses on the weekend - i tried so hard to please everyone by at least showin my freakin face, and at the same time - dammit i am tryin so hard not to climb over the table for the foods r like - damn!. the concept is easy - eat less, more 'space' to spare. but most of the time - i had none left. leavin me suffocate for fresh air and runnin around wit the feelin to puke myself off, so i'd feel less 'guilty' for eatin like a horse.


looking forward for dis coming Wed/Thurs. its gonna be short, gonna be pack. but i dun mind. i know i dun hav the time in the world. but the chance to hav some - meaningfully, is better than nothg at all. i'd be honored to hav dat, really.


i gez i am tired of counting thgs. counting time and such. i jst need to see good thgs and count the blessing. even if i hav to leave now - i hav thgs in life dat i am glad for havin it, enjoying it and treasure em well.




---


i am keepin up wit coupla changes around me. and i hope i am gonna be ok. no, i mean - i hav to be ok. for dis is wat i want. for dis is wat i treasure in life, really.






Friday, October 1, 2010

good vs bad.. *yawn*



how to hav a bad day..


wake up late, in a panic
rush to get ready
dress hurriedly
din get the chance to eat
drink lot of coffee instead
no spiritual reflection
no exercise
tak sempat nak plan ur day
focus on ur failures - grumble away
u forget to smile
be selfish and unfrenly
criticize, blame and complain
think of some -ve tots
dictate, direct and command till others puke on u
dun forget to nag!
and never overlook mistakes
grumble again
no time for a lunch
harbor resentment
u dun communicate - no talking, no calls, no sms-es
keep rushin
and keep it all to urself!
worry about trow
be rigid and cranky as well
retire wit bad tots
and yeah - a full stomach!




how to hav a good day?


crash early
and wake up early as well
dun rush!
breathe slow and deeply
kick ur day wit a bit of exercise
take 5 mins to reflect - SUBUH!!
greet everyone
and yeah - smile a lot..
compliment often
communicate
listen more - talk less!
beware of giving advice - only when needed
ur work? its privilege
express appreciation
do ur best
welcome changes
relax ur neck muscles
plan time for relaxation - go for a jog!
and a bit of gym, may be
throw away -ve feelings
drain ur -ve energy away!
let go anger and guilt
leave work, at work
review ur accomplishments
plan pleasurable events
eat well at nite
recognize ur blessings
lots of love, yeah.




p/s; watdya think?