Tuesday, August 31, 2010

baru pkul 5..

Dats wat acik keep on saying. After jumping high up to the sky, bully aku like nbdy biz - he finally sort of 'giv up'. Dah lembik. Rengek2 to her umi nak b'buka puasa, yet the umi 'buat tak tau' sajork. Damn, dis is the time for a payback. A single ajuk je dah buat him keriaw, and damn i loike! Heh. Angah (pic) tetap maintain cool. Mmg pelik. I mean sgt2 pelik. The best part is, dia rajin sgt mandi, rendam lama2 dlm bilik air. Kakak ckp, 'angah minum air kolam la tu..'. Of coz tnya dia, sah2 la dia tak ngaku. Tp aku pcya, mesti ada muslihat. For kecik2 dulu, aku pun mcm tu! Air kolam pun, air kolam lah. Asal air je, ok. Umi bdk2 ni pun sama. Haha.. Bukak shower, nganga mulut luas2. Keji kan? Skang time bdk2 ni plak. Aku tau - u cant lie to a liar gtew. Hehe.. Aku malas sgt turun dapur. Bau mcm2 Ya Rabbana. Ada nasik ulam. Nasik lemuni. Ikan sweet sour. Agar2 pandan. Samosa. Masak lemak tomato. Asam pedas keladi. Air cincau. Ikan pekasam. Dan lain-lain. Tu yg aku tau since mini2mons ni yg citer. Dgr citer pun dah luluh jiwa raga, lambat sgt jam ni jalan rasanya. Heh. Aku dah tak mau pi mana2 dah. Cukup la tghari tdi bwk bdk2 ni pusing kampung naik moto, tgh2 panas. Tensen aku. Due pi playground ptg ni, sah2 aku tak rela lagi dah. Penat!

Merdeka! erk?



instead off to the gym smlm, aku made a small de-tour; aku terbeli lagik sepasang baju melayu instead. heh. as tahun lepas jugak la neh.. so sepsg warna hijau, another one is.. erk, i think its brownish, sekejap nampak warna brown sekejap nampak mcm warna merah bata mcm tu.. aku like the kain pretty much - aku aku angkat je. bala nyer skang - butang and sampin. heh. nanti la aku cari.. long way to go.


----


its a Merdeka Day. rata2 org sibuk pasang bendera, wishing u Selamat Hari Merdeka and such. tak caya pi la tgk kat FaceBook sana. it was like - whoaaaaaaaaa.. tho sometime the wishes nampak mcm so damn plastic, superficial and kelakar - since today is a Merdeka Day, everybdy wants to be a part of it as well. so be it.


but then - do we know wat does it means by 'merdeka'? dats sacred word aku rasa nowadays dah massively salah guna by all of us. and we 'trained' all the youngsters to understand dat 'merdeka' means jst a plain 'bebas dari jajahan kolonial'. 'bebas dari jajahan kolonial'? betol ke? heh. merdeka kah kita?


i hate to think of dis, really. as for me - merdeka is jst another off-day. its a public holiday for me. nothg much. i love it for its an off-day. but dun get me wrong. and dun even think of callin me tak patriotic. but look around us. wat the heck is goin on? pembangunan ok, but it was solely physical dat we forget regarding pembangunan sahsiah.. or pembangunan secara holistic. seawal Tingkat 1 or 2 dah pandai buat onar kat skol. kes mengandung kat skol skang dah jadik benda biasa. buang anak mcm buang Drypers. rempit sana sini.. jst to name a few. merdeka, aye?


forget it. i am sorry. i am kinda sad for the whole shait. its jst a plain empty screamin of 'merdeka' for coupla times. merdeka is bunga api show. merdeka is terkinja2 mcm beruk dpt belacan. and tersadai kereta sana sini - cukup 9 bulan jumpak anak tepi2 jalan.. argkhhh..


but then - i am proud as Malaysian. aku love my country yeah. cuma pengisian tak kena regarding dis merdeka thang. u dun hav to agree wit me - for i dun giv it a damn shait.


Selamat Menyambut Hari Merdeka, yeah! *yawn*







Monday, August 30, 2010

*yawn 245x*










boring!





u knw wat i do? i am marking stdnts' nyer assignments. and i dun feel like doin it, at all pun. nak kemas bilik - makcik cleaner dah brp ari tak dtg2.. tak kan dah cuti raya kot? and again - aku malas. called mak - she told me kak ngah is heading back to kampung mlm ni - wit all the minimons of course. lagik la aku berdebar-debar.. nak je aku balik rumah and pack - terus balik rumah mak.. so aku wld be there earlier than all the minimons. and aku keep on thinkin mak nyer masak lemak tomato, all out sudden. argkhhh.. mencik lah!


Apiz tak abes2 dtg masuk kaur bilik aku - last week he was on leaves - the whole week God sake. so - he needs someone to keep him update la.. kerjis. aku lah! aku ni apa? PA ko? heh. hahaha.. Ajak jap je aku nampak muka dia - i gez he aint in a good mood la kot; muncong je muka.. malas aku nak tanya dis and dat.


think i shld be kemas-ing my table and.. zasss!









pre-Merdeka day.. think i am alrdy!







for the first time - i hardly feel dis way lately - aku had to fight myself to jump out of the bed and drag myself to the bathroom. its Monday yeah - i knw i dun really keen of dealin wit dis day - but i usually hav no problem to kick the Monday off; till i reach the office. but today - damn! i wish i cld jst continue the MumuLand-ing. i wish i cld jst lay in the crib of mine, w/o any thinkin - nak mandi, nak iron baju, nak siap2 pi ofis segala mala. perhaps i shldve take a day-off today. ye lah - esok PH. y u shld be bother goin off to work, while it is like 'tergantung' in between of off-days? but i gez - i hav to. i gotta see Mr Rani to settle thgs semlm. and aku kena brief budak2 baru masuk clinical posting psychiatry. and now - erm; damn i am lookin around wat to do. wat to do eh? gosh, i think i left my brain somewhere in my house lah. in my bed, to be precise. kerjis.


damn, i am glad thgs r ok today. the whole shait. a phone call away makes me feel like - phewwww.. i had thgs in my mind. tho i am tryin to put it str8, never think of bad thgs - but heh, i am jst a plain a flesh and blood. i jst cant shooooooo all those bad thgs away from keep on buggin my head. and dat makes me feel kinda sad, worry and down. but i am glad. nothg to be worry of, except - can i go back and sleep now?


think i shld be doin dat.. aye?






gnite.





hug me!
good nite..







gnite ppl. sleep tite. may u dream thgs u wanna dream of. may u find a way to be wat u wanna be - when in ur real life - it sucks big time, and u need some kinda place to escape . or perhaps, u need it so badly - to not be urself for a sec. may u travel places, see those whom u love wit all ur heart - and wake up feelin good - for trow, i bet it wld be a great one for u, yeah. and may u sleep well - all thru the nite; no bugs gonna get u - God sake. let ur tepu-ness of the brain flows away into ur own MuMuLand..


gnite. damn i cant wait for trow..









Sunday, August 29, 2010

better..











..than freedom?











Sunday - ofc?







Sunday in the ofis. damn - it aint like i'd love to do dis - but i hav to. had a call around noon smlm - from Mr Rani, he asked me to finish up somethg urgently and i need to send it to him - in full - early trow morn. it is somethg 'tak la susah sgt' but i was kinda hate doin it. but then - damn, i hav to - now. heh.


think of heading to Giant after dis. rite away. need to buy coupla thgs untuk dapur. and i cant stop thinkin of Ribena laici again. again? for today? ermm..


gtg. thgs r done. malas aku bertapa kat ofis ni sorang2. buang karan.


see ya!





Saturday, August 28, 2010

i miss you.







i am not sure wats wrong wit me today. or tonite. i keep on havin one thang in my mind - and its kinda botherin me. no - not dat kinda botherin dat u want it to get the hell away from u. its kinda feelin - buggin u, botherin u in a sweet way - u knw how it is, when ur missin someone, so badly; and it starts to hurt urself.


i knw dis aint rite. restrictions. the dis and dat. i dun know - but i cant help myself to struggle wit dis kinda feelin in me - damn it really hurts me, alrite.


trow another day dat i've to go thru - i somehow; crazily waiting form Monday. call me idiot - but if i hav to be one, and wld be able to deal wit dis thang in me - it'd rather be an idiot.


think i shld hit the sack, havin dis feelin buggin me to sleep then. i wish i cld hav the power to manipulate words - make em all in lines; so i cld tell how it feels. i wish i cld hav the guts to jst tell tale rite on - jst like dat - but life wldnt be dat easy. the restrictions, again. the dis and dat.


gnite. and sleep tite.



off-days!








its Saturday. and aku consider myself as 'working' la kot - 2hrs of public health talk to a community di Bercham, Ipoh - since dorg ada program bersama rakyat or somethg. heh. bulan puasa. and most of the yg datang is Chinese. Bercham - mmg ramai Chinese staying there.. aku suka wit the crowd. best, sporting. Q&A aku jenuh explain thgs - its Stress Management in general. dah siap - think of leavin str8 back home la kot.. got coupla thgs to settle.


semlm aku pi kemas rumah lama aku - cuci pe patut and such. walaweeeeey.. penat gilos! dahag giler. and its panas as well. but aku puas hati - dah settle keje aku yg tertunggak for about 2 mths now. and aku brought in few thgs to new house as well - which means - aku kena kemas la pulak kan.. heh. so by 4pm - aku dah totally out, knock out dat aku tergolek je dpm idiotbox up till berbuka.. thanks God aku dah settle pi param, beli thgs for berbuka awal lagik.


next week - keje Monday, Selasa cuti plak. heh. aku keje la kot - mls nak amek cuti.. i need to spare my off-days into somethg else better i think. hehe


hav a great weekend fellas!







Thursday, August 26, 2010

surprise!







i started my day wit kinda malas thang in me. i was even thinkin of nak amek cuti je - call ofc and let em know dat i am gonna take a leave for the day. but to think it back again - keje byk, paper nak marking, meetings to attends, questions to edit and such - tau2 aku dah smpai office.


but dat din stay long. around 9 sthg aku received a call from a courier guy, askin my exact location sayin dat 'ada parcel untuk abg neh..' kinda thang. i din expect much. cld be jst a plain gift, document and such. i mean - not a real kinda parcel dat ur excited to hav pun. but11.30am - Kak Jah ter operator called me - askin me to come and sign some dokumen for 'ada parcel besar tinggi Kak Jah neh.. meh amek' to me. Tinggi Kak Jah? heh. she's aint dat tinggi pun - paras bahu aku yg kenit ni je.. but tinggi paras Kak jah? erk - dats really somethg!


and yeah - it is. kotak besar, tinggi paras Kak Jah. and the sender is non of those ppl yg aku tau.. Telegift - Yor Reliable Gift Company thingy. errmm.. weird. Kak Ton the CC sibuk suruh aku bukak tere and there. Fina plak 'saper anta Shah.. saper anta..'. hahaha.. aku angkat dat big box to my room.. and kunci pintu - aku bukak carefully. my mind was kinda racing - saper anta? pe mende? ada apa? kinda thang..


gez wat? its a Hari Raya gift. wit lot of thgs inside. wrapped nicely. wit a card - written by the company. not the sender - but the company yg arranged the delivery. but then - the name of the sender was there! i was laughing. smiling like shait - damn! dis is sucha sweet surprise! i love surprises.. but i never expected it dis way!!


i lost words. and after all the bulshait i went thru for past coupla days - dis is like somethg from the sky, bringin my smile back again.


to whom dis may concern - thanks. i wish i cld put thgs into words better than dat - but u know i aint good at it.


but i mean it - thanks. i jst love dis, God sake.














nah,
i am taller than dis, ok!










Wednesday, August 25, 2010

life statement..









..





i will go thru dis life - only once
and i shall hav but one chance to live
not all ppl will like me -
others may even despise me
as i may not be easily understood
yet i will take dis chance - still;
to live
and i will reach out in ways i know
and i will love those whom i can
and i will strive to
understand them more..


not all days will bring me sunshine
not every endeavor will be a success
but i will savor the victories i achieve
and i know - not all dreams i dream will be mine
but in time new dreams will fill my heart
and my soul
and as from a star those hopes will propel me forward
doin everythg the best way i know i can
no fear shall trample me watsoever
tho some tasks seem to outweigh my strength;


i will only do wat i hav to do..
and God will take care of the rest.





reason?












reason, why..






words, again.



crashed early last nite - after i found it to be useless of stayin at the back of ur reading desk, tryin hard to comprehend coupla thgs yet they din strike rite thru. its kinda hot, and wit thgs marchin in my head, i hardly sleep for God sake. its kinda sad when ur mentally, physically tired and u need a lil time to lay down - ur there, yet ur mind refused to stay cool. by 2am - aku dah bangun, wondering wat to do.


supposedly i am havin 4hrs or teaching today, perhaps - i'll make it 2. by 10am, i gotta run for ISC. u know how i hate doin dis - i jst hav to be there for i am left wit no choice. of course - i do have choices to choose - i dun hav to go, if i want to. but dat wld make me another bulshait. loser.


---


i jst need some kinda good, sweet word at time bein. its ok if it wldnt sound rite pun - for i really need some. the 'its ok, thgs gonna be ok', 'ur gonna be alrite' kinda thg. i dun know. i really do hope thgs wld be ok - tho i knw nthg left to cling on, pun.


u hav a great mid-day of the week then, ya.









Tuesday, August 24, 2010

..






No Swearing Day.





yeah fuckin right. i dun give a shit about wat some goddamn book fuckin says. i cant fuckin make it through some shitty ass day where i feel like complete shait wit out fuckin swearing.



---



damn. i feel like freakin shait.

















word?





word?





words can cure. soothe u away. words can sometimes even cheer u up, when ur feeling down. and words too - they can kill u. hurts u. a simple word might mean nothing to u - but it sure can cut right thru others. words are everywhere. we use it everyday - to express our feeling. to say things we cant held it inside - for they might make u miserable. words they can be sweet, make u smile away. words can turn ur gloomy day - into a bright, beautiful day.


but words - they r disaster when wrongly-interpret. words can make u ppl hate one another. words can tear ppl apart.


words, they can too, make u feel sad. regret.


and words..









Monday, August 23, 2010

CME-shait.







baru dapat memo ckp point CPD aku tak cukup. mak ai - bukan aku sorang.. ramai. heh. mati la aku nak pulun cari point lagu neh.



nak kena baca and jwb soklan dlm MedscapeCME lar mcm neh! kerjis. malas la..



kalo online je FB dapat point, kan best! heh.





choices, to choose.











its ur choice!





every human bein has the rite to choose how they feel; u can choose happiness or sadness. erm, i've been havin dat in mind since dis morning. since a young gal left my room - for a 'heart-to-heart talk'. she's been contacting me for the past 2 weeks, sayin she needs to see me, and wants to talk. she left the room wit kinda 'small smile' on her face, leavin me thousands of thgs in me - wondering wats in her mind. damn, i hope she's gonna get better. i know i aint settling her problem, for i was jst there - doin the listenin. and sharing.


i gez - u may be depressed or heartbroken - over somethg dat may hav happened to u or somethg u did a long time ago - even years ago, to urself, or to others. but u need not stay in dat depressed state any longer - at least dats wat i think.


and there is no need to carry dat pain any longer of ur heart; day after day, year after year. u must not let it grow continuously b'coz soon enuff, dat one issue ur sad or depressed about, will turn into ur normal way of thinking. we've been thru dis before, and i know u know how it feels like, yeah. damn - hit me if i am wrong, but negative thinking HAS a domino effect!


when one door closes in life - another one will open. but if u do not let go the pains of yesterday - the joys of today and trow will never, ever be discovered. they will be overshadowed by ur own misery. i believe dat we must let go of the past - to be happy. there is no 'ifs', 'and' or 'buts'!


quit living negatively in the past - its the 'now' dat matters. and focus on wat u can do about today, and in the future. u see - i gez wats happened in the past - u hav no control of, today. u cant do a thang about it - so, God sake - y live there?


we gotta start living and loving thgs we can control; such as dis beautiful day, or may be call a fren dat u had a relationship wit dat turned bad and re-kindle it well. life is short - darn u know dat well, i bet. go out and create joyous experiences and turn happiness into a constant way of thinking.


as the phrase goes - 'enuff is enuff'. do u not agree?


i remember telling the young gal dat never ever let the torments and regrets of yesterday live in her deep enuff - from covering the progression and happiness for today.


and i remember seein her eyes blinking away, as if trying to contain her tears from runnin down her cheeks.


and as usual - i beg to differ. i wish i cld do more. i wish i cld jst tell her dis and dat, a thg or two so she'll be ok. but i know dat wldnt be rite. for its herself dat she had to deal wit first, before anythg else..



















wat?









morning! its Monday, yeah. its been 2 times in a row i din get the chance 'to feel' the Monday blues, yeah. i mean - i was away and such. but today - i am back to the office. as usual, by 7am - aku dah smpai. kinda late for me dat i hav to be at my best to best all those supermoms riding their cars like a pelesit, sendin the kids off to the school. and some blokes yg (i believe) keje shift - but then rushin their shaits out since the clock dah dkt pkul 7am. heh. theres no anger in me pun - i am pretty sure of it - for i dun wanna get myself wasted wit the feelin dat way.


sampai ofc., few memos dlm pigeon hole - heh, now i remember dat i wasnt in on last Thursday and Friday. erm - meeting, pertukaran jadual, memos. haiyooo.. meeting lagik. menci!


2hrs of teachin today. not much ado of, really. tp nama aku naik terlibat in komiti to edit soalan la plak.. argkhh, baru je nak lepak2 hang my balls around.


and y i keep on thinkin of Maggi goreng mamak eh? kerjis.




Sunday, August 22, 2010

Sun-day..






finally - i am done. for a Sunday. no. not really done yet. i mean - i am done wit the minimonsters! they r off balik Bagan Serai and kak ngah ask me to berbuka di rumah dia plak petang nanti. well, dats wat i am gonna do then!


lepas sahur - damn, byk mkn pagik tadi.. since mak masak! - aku terlelap jap, after Subuh. around 8am, while aku still merayau2 in my MuMuLand, dah ada yg berketuk2 pintu bilik aku.. mcm nak runtuh! aku tau.. kalo aku tak kunci - all the gerombolan will go in and make me get the hell outta bed.. tp kalo aku kunci - mcm ni la. siap jerit2 panggil aku, sambil bergendang pintu bilik aku tu. kerjis tak? let me answer it - it is! heh. kali ni dorang sibuk jerit2 suruh aku fix the minipool so dat dorang bley ber-bubblin. huwaaaa..


but the - aku make a deal. minimons kena tolong pak long cuci bilik2 air pak long dulu, and pak long wit fix the minipool and teman mandi bubble. so they did. errmmm - dun think they really do pun. berkenjah bilik air aku smpai ke bilik basah nyer.. last2 aku perambat sekor2 turun bawah.. and aku kena finish up all the deal - on my own. again - kerjis!


done wit dat - aku turun bawah tgk dorg dah mandi2 kat porch kete.. siap ber-bubble bagai; kak ngah teman. aku pun siram pokok2, siram dorang jugak until dorang suka-suki hati and forget the needs for me to fix the minipool. yes! malas aku.


around 11am - kak ngah and family and mak as well, balik Bagan Serai. tinggal la aku ngemas rumah yg basically mcm kena landa dek garuda. ada roti bwh sofa, ada mug plastik dlm bilik air bwh etc. haiyoo.. penat. but then, ok jugak. aku kemas the whole house, and walaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.. done kerja aku yg dok tertunggak for quite sometime.


peh Zohor, aku nak shoot pi Bagan Serai. rumah kak ngah. berbuka puasa di sana..


Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sat morn!






missed my sahur today. Ted called around 1am, askin me if i am or not wld like to join em - Azro and Wildan to Uptown for an early sahur - i was in the MumuLand and i said no. and dammit - now rasa nyesal la plak.. i had my late supper kat kedai mamak, bawak semlm wit Ghaz, but unfortunately it was sad to say tandoori nyer kinda tasteless, and aku perabih tea-o ais aku je.. argkhhh..



woke up at 7.30am, and dah tak bley smbung tido. think i shld be packing since jap lagik dah nak check out..


Friday, August 20, 2010

a break,















coupla pics taken wit my Nikon D3000. i know the subjects look 'biasa-biasa sajer' and nthg much to ado wit, yeah. most of the above aku amek time balik kg, last weekend.. wit minimonsters tailing around me.. but its ok. a bit ere and there, nak hilangkan rasa gian. hahaha







negativity vs motivation. heh?





left? right?
no?






negativity can suck the motivation rite out of u - so ppl said. but do u think so? well, i bet it is, for i do believe in dat, as well.


u can be urself, all motivated and ready to take action when suddenly some negative person tells u dat u aint gonna do it rite - dat ur just goin to fail and nthg is gonna come of it. hows dat makes u feel?


wow. talk about depressing. negative ppl can destroy our beliefs in ourselves God sake and take away the motivation dat so many struggle to get in the first place.


the truth is - u hate it or not - negativity kills motivation.. unless u stop it. and dammit - its easier than u mght think.



the first thg u need to do is - i think - identify and avoid the negative influences in ur life. well - u dun hav to cut off all ties wit anyone whos negative. i knw sometimes ur family and frens can be negative for watever reason - even simply b'coz they r jealous of u. dat doesnt mean u shld avoid em - they r ur family. it jst means u shld either talk em and get em to support u, understand u. or u shld spend less time wit em.


if there r negative influences dat u arent close to, jst cut em out of ur life.. wow, i knw. it may seem harsh - i hardly do it as well - but jst b'coz they dun want to get anywhere in life doesnt mean they shldnt try to keep u from gettin anywhere in life, rite? its kinda easy to say, but hard to put it for real - but i learn a thg or two, and i do believe it is, yeah.



the scond thg u need to do is surround urself wit positive influences. ppl who will support and encourage u. wit no condition at all. ppl who r willing to help u and actually want u to succeed. may be u can spend as much time wit these ppl, as possible. u'll be amazed at how much more motivation u automatically hav from spending time wit these kinda ppl who r there to help u and support u - rather than bring u down.



well, of course - dis doesnt jst apply to ur frens and fmly dat u see in person. dis includes ppl u talk on the phone, the blogs u read and more.


and u knw wat? i also believe in dis - as well. if ppl r constantly posting negative stuff on FB - remove em from ur frens list! hehe.. too good to be true, i knw. but it is true anyway! unless u wanna keep ur fren-list as many as the total of population of ppl there in South Africa.. then go ahead. the fact is - most ppl hav so many frens they probably wont even notice anyways! talk about quality vs quantity. again - its ur call. i aint gonna ask u to a thang.


even the news is a huge source of negativity! did u knw dat negativity is actually a criteria for determining whether or not somethg is considered newsworthy? heh. tell me about it. but it is true! ppl like to hear negative thgs. ppl like to watch negative thgs as well. dats y the majority of the time - the front page of the newspaper is someone getting killed or some kinda disaster occurring, scandals et al. the hurricanes. the crime. the buang anak thang. corrupt politics. but the fact is - negativity sells. so dats wat they put on the news. yeah - i knw u may like to keep up wit wats happening around u - but watching the news affects u negatively.


no. i hardly read newspapers. i do - when i do the balik kampung thingy. i dun really watch news as well, but the important stuff i hear about from the word of mouth. i dun feel like i'm missin out, at all - for it may take some initial work to remove the negativity from ur life and it'll be a bit of adjustment, but trust me - its definitely worth it.



so - start today seeing how u can remove negativity from ur life and replace it wit positivity. start changing the way u think and where u spend time. become a positive person and spend majority of ur time around positive ppl.


i am writing dis - doesnt mean dat i am good at it. i write dis for i think i do wanna share coupla thgs in mind - for the good sake out of it. it is so much easier to motivate urself when u feel good about urself, trust me. and about others too. and they will definitely will feel good about u too..


see it for urself! and u knw wat i am tryin to say then.






Thursday, August 19, 2010

confuse?

I gez its a long week for me, tho i knw it aint at the end as yet. But when ur into deep wit sthg, when ur waiting for sthg to come true.. darn u knw how it is. Time crawls like a limping cockroach, yeah. Cockroach? Heh. Now dats sthg else. But it is damn so slow for me, indeed. And wit in dis coupla days, at least 3 persons lend my ears for basically the same story - its like 'am i falling for him/her, yet he's/she's jst a fren, i'm kinda confuse i dun knw wat to do' kinda thang. I gez its normal. Ppl went thru dat as well, like most of the time. Its easy to say thgs till when it hits ur own face, damn - then u knw how it is. The falling in love. Infatuation. A fren. A lover. A lover and a fren. I've been there as well, i knw how it is. The strugglin in u to say 'no, i aint fallin.. he's/she's jst a fren of mine' kinda thang, yet u knw ur reaction is completely different. Even ppl arnd u as well, cld tell dat u both r so deeply-dy in love. The denial. The suka tp tak cinta thg in u. And it hurts. Ur tangled in between. To tell, or not to tell. If u do tell - there's definitely risk to take. He/she will get shock to death and 'wat the hell is wrong wit u?' at u, and leaves u. U'll get in deep shait. But if u go pickin up the second option - not to tell thang, there's still a risk God sake. U'll go around carryin the uncertainty feelin in u, draggin u each and every day. U mght go for mad, to insane. And the worst thang is - he/she mght leaves u as well, for he/she finally finds s'one new. And dats not u. He/she will go enjoyin life while ur at home blaming urslf for being a moron, never initiate a step at the first place. So how? Damn. Choices. Choices. Choices. To choose, or not to choose. So watcha gonna do? Keep thgs to urslf, and be a loser? Or go tell tale, and dats it - ur a dead meat? Erm, frankly speakin - i dun hav the answer. Even if u ask me wat wld i do, i jst dun knw wat to tell. For its so subjective. For its so dpnds on wat u want in life, and how badly u want it then. And how good do u knw urslf or not, plus ur readiness to change, to commit. To be in love is a commitment. And to commit urslf, damn - its a huge thang. To fall in love is easy. But to stay in love - dat wld be sthg else. I dun mean to scare u, but dats the thg. Love is a sweet thang. And it has to stay sweet all the time, yeah. I knw its hard - the confusion. To choose either one - fren or lover. No, theres no such thang 'in between', for oii! dis is life. U aint gonna get the cheese and the cake, at the same time! (cheese cake eh? how? haha). So, think. Wit ur heart, and ur head on it. Put a bit of rationality in it. The pros, the cons. Jst dun rush into thang - only fool rush in. I wish u out the, the very best. In life et al. Life's easy. Life's sweet. So go kickin some arses, before its to late. Perkh, sejuk weh aircnd bus ni. Nak terkenc lah! Argkh.

nope. dis aint from the office!







kinda lazy to wake up, knowin dat i am not workin today. beg belum packing - so dats wat i am gonna do, soon. i aint gonna take banyak barang pun - i am goin to be away from house like up till Saturday je pun. then again - knowing myself.. heh, i mght ended up bwk beg besar jugak nanti. argkh.. benci.


pagi2 lagik ofc call. aku tak angkat. then number Mr Bong appeared on the screen. i was like, shait! shld i or not pick dis one up? tak tau ke aku cuti ari ni esok? second time he called - aku angkat.. wit the reason, 'sorry - i was in the washroom' as usual. gez wat? he's askin me about the question, again. duuhhhh! he was not around semlm - so aku submit tros je kat SUP. so - aku asked him to go and see Mr Zul la, and off aku out of the conversation. pantang bg aku - to talk regarding kerja-matters while my head is alrdy away from the ofc. hehe


gotta run. nak pack barang. nak mandi2 since my 'flight' at 9am. bley?







Wednesday, August 18, 2010

huwaaa..








and its raining. lebat plak tu! menci. cemaneh nak pi param? murtabak sedap? payung tak bwk - tinggal kat porch.


dem.






murtabak sedap.








finally i am done wit the soalan. duhhh! pening kepala. the whole day dok perah my brain dat i am not sure by now - do i or not hav the brain there, anymore. heh. penin! imagine - 40 soalan MCQ and 3 MEQ. berak ijau je rasanya.. nampak je senang. by the time u sit down - u started to feel like nak blah je larikan diri. but then - damn, i managed! fuh.


cant wait to leave the building now. for trow and a day after trow - i aint gonna be in town. a lil escapade - katanyer. and damn - dis time i am gonna go wit a free mind - no soalan to think of, no ISO to bother me.. heh. and i cant wait. lama dah tak snap2 pics.


and a part of me - aku rasa kinda lapang God sake - i managed to let out thgs yg a bit 'berbuku' dlm ati aku.. nicely. aku malas dah nak fikir2 pe, for i know its my bad. and jumped too fast for a conclusion - and hurt someone else. heh. trust me - dats the last thg i wanna do! and one thg i learn from it - sometimes words can easily misinterpreted by us. theres no such good communication, except for face to face kinda thang.. for once u silap interpreted words - disastrous it wld be.


but dat was then. nthg is stronger than the bond by the name of frenship - which i truly believe in. ups and downs in it - will make it merrier, understanding more, i think.


gotta go. times up! its param time.. hoho.. murtabak daging - ere i come!








will u love me?









"will u still love me even if i am not perfect? will u still love me even if i'm not the kind of person u wished i were? will u look me into my eyes wit warmth even if u saw my shadows? will u still hold my hands even if u knew there will be times i'd let u down? for tho i yearn to take care of u as i shld, tho i desire to love u wit a love dat never falters and fades, my knees will tremble each time u hold me in ur arms.


shall i kiss u? shall i hold ur hand and bask the lite of ur spirit dat i hav my darkness, knowin there will be times dat the lite of my love sometimes be overshadowed by the darkness dat is in me?


sometimes i'd be silent and i might bore u. i may not laugh at ur jokes, and u may not understand the spell dats get into me. sometimes i'd get troubled san i'd fail to put into words wat the hell is dat troubles me. i wldnt be good company then, and i cldnt make u smile..


sometimes i'd get moody and mght not enjoy the thgs u'd like us to do together. sometimes i'd lose my temper and i'd no longer act like the fine person who stands berfore u today. sometimes i'd get jealous and mght say thgs i dun really mean. sometimes i'd talk too much dat i mght drive up the wall, and away..


sometimes i'd get touchy and i;d get easily hurt. and no matter how mature i try to be - at times i'd act in childish way. i'd demand thgs dat i shldnt, i'd say thgs i shldnt say. and no matter how much i desire to protect u and make u happy - sometimes i'd be the one who'd coz u the most pain..


if u love me, i cannt promise u dat i'll not hurt u. i cannot promise dat i'll not make u cry and dat i'll never break ur heart - tho u know how much i'd stay away from doin dat. but if u will love me, i'll bare my whole self naked before u - and i will definitely reveal to u my soul. if u love me, u can certain dat it is i dat u will love - not a mask dat fools u and gives u only wat ur eyes desire to see.. if u will love me - u can be certain dat u'll love the depths of me, all of me dat is in me - and i in turn - will love u wit all of me, wit all my soul, wit all my mind, wit all my spirit, wit all my flaws and beauty - and wit all my heart.."




Tuesday, August 17, 2010

to write? erk. wat?







i wanna write - yet i dun know where to start. dammit - i am havin my mind in guarded-mode. it shldve be in kinda free-and-easy like it is, all the time before. i had a lot to write - to share as well, yet i aint sure to write or not - its easy to vent thgs out; yet the consequences - no one wants to bear wit it, of course.


after all - it was a great week for me - whole last week. thgs were like before - thgs went smooth and i am truly glad for wat it brings me. sometimes - it is worth of being 'bersabar' and never lost fait, hope and such - for u never know wat God will brings u. i never hav a high hope on every single thgs in life, i hav less expectation as usual.. but when thgs came in jst like - and u knw u always wanted dat in life.. u knw how it is. u know how it feels, God sake.


and i learn coupla thgs too. which i am glad. about life, love, relationship, friendship et al.


---


i cant wait for the coming Thursday. i am leavin town!








Sunday, August 15, 2010

mini-me-mon




Damia - tired of crying..




2nd day. She was told to be ok dis morn.; talkin, singin and laughin out loud, when at noon she started to cry her heart of complainin of pain over the IV site. The drip wasnt run dat well, dat i hav to urge the nurses to look into it. I cant stand seing her cryin, it breaks my heart wit each tear drops runnin down her cute face. Aku kesal dat i hav to a bit of 'tunjuk' dis staffs of who i am, wat i do for life - so dis lil gal will get the best she deserves to get. Wat if i am a lay man? Wat if i am a plain 'org kampung'? When aku started to converse using some of med jargon, they started to look at me wit one kinda look. And u dun hav to ask wat happen next - they will go talk to u nicely, treat u gently..


Aku tak faham la. Its easy - a bit of respect. And a bit of effort. Finally, one of the nurse flush the line, and the drips back on track. She stops crying. But for me, its a sad thang seein the baby finally falls asleep of tiredness - she's been crying since 10am dis morning. Of coz, i can do it myslf. But i dun thk i'd go doin dat and make ppl 'tak selesa' God sake.. Damia, get well real soon, yea. I cant stand seein u like dis.


I wish i cld tell, how it is inside.. Furthermore - kakak Areeyna, angah, acik and Haziq r lackin of a proper team-mate to do the shuffle thang - all day long!







stop procrastinating, and write!




jst write!




i gez in writing - procrastination is the enemy. procrastination is like leavin the headlites on in a parked car - its a slow drain on yr mental battery. the longer the lites r on, the harder it is to get the engine started. by continually avoidin doin s'thg u knw u need to do - prcrastination sucks the energy out of u. dis is doubly true for a task like writing. the longer u procrastinate writing thgs u wanna write, the harder it becomes to start. however, even if u putt off a task for weeks or months - its never too late to start - at least, dats wat i believe. starting isnt easy - but its doable. and the best part is - once u start, u'll usually find the difficulty u imagined is usually worse than the actual work involved.


i aint good in givin advice, i knw it is. but i wanna share wit u a thang or two - regarding ways to stop procrastinating and start writing.. bley? but since we need to get dat car runnin as soon as possible - lets look at some ways to jumpstart dat dead car (wah!!).. heh. i know. i never share dis kinda thang - but i want to, today.
  1. organize ur ideas - staring at a blank screen wit no support materials or mental notes is like building a house w/o a blueprint - the end result will be a mess and it cld kill s'one! instead of starting from zero - make a plain mind map. plainly choose the best ideas, and organize em into an outline.. do all dis before u begin drafting. mentally drafting - dats wat i do.
  2. freewrite - damn i love doin dis. i'd love to forget about logical flow for a minute. i think, ppl often procrastinate when they r unclear about some aspect of their task. when u freewrite - u hav a chance to address those missin details and develop a deeper understandin of the piece u wanna create. make sense, eh?
  3. set a dateline - deadlines equal to a bit of stress. as for me - a good stress dat is. deadline add a sense of urgency to ur writing task, givin u a clear compellin reason to finish a piece. w/o adrenaline - its easy to ignore a piece, especially when ur writin only for urself.
  4. set mini-goals - witin a 5K word piece - u'll probably require several hrs of work, and dat is a damn big job. so - break dis job up! work in blocks of 500 words or 30 minutes.. senang!
  5. eliminate distractions - work in a quite space. damn i am so believe in dis. u mght want to turn off ur cellphone and if possible - ur internet connection wit ur FB on! haha.. escape from ppl who demand ur attention. each distraction pulls ur focus away from the task at had. for me - it depends. sometimes - a plain songs will bring me some plain mood as well, and dat helps me in writing.
  6. force it! - ppl usually mythologize the creation process. they expect some idiot, magical power to enter em and imbue em wit and unstoppable pen. in reality - the most creative ppl force emself to write every day, whether they feel inspired or not. the prefect time - is now. not tomorrow. not next week. or next year.. its TODAY.
  7. dun worry about gettin it rite.. jst get it down! - first drfats usually suck. dats y second, third ad eighth drafts exist! aim for excellent results, but dun set the bar too high at first. i believe dat havin a sloppy but finished first draft is far better than havin no draft at all.. aye?



lest face it - we all procrastinate.. in one or another way. especially when it comes to writing. if u love writing - u know wat i am tryin to say. a lil procrastination is normal, but by using some of these steps - we can redirect the high beams of out mental energies onto out own work.


so - start ur engines! hehe







ceriti di pagi Ahad.





gersang?
auw!!









thick skin.







hangin' tough!











had the above jst now - kat pokok
bunga raya abah.. dis lalat was so damn
sporting - aku amek byk shots, tp dia buat selamba je..








and dis credit to angah -
dia siap tepok tampar all nyamok
aku 'kumpul' atas daun..
the name of the masterpiece -
'nyamuks landing'.








Haziq still wit his free-style..
best je aku tgk dia landing.. jeles!










lepas sahur - aku golek2 jap waiting for Subuh. done wit Subuh - aku terus smbung my MuMu-mode; aku was kinda sleepy since semlm aku din really get the chance to sleep pun - i mean, i hardly sleep. tensen je aku dgr minimonsters neh berdengkor dlm pelbagai kaedah and bunyi. but then - alhamdulillah; aku dpt jugak lelap post-Subuh.. but around 9am aku dah terjaga since angah dah started banging on the door.. heh.


nothg to do - aku go around the house wit the camera in my hand. aku blank - not knowing apa lagik left to shoot. erm - aku come across one lalat yg green in color (lalat taik eh?) tu at pokok bunga raya abah - heh, so damn sporting aku snapped coupla pics, selamba je dia buat tak tau.. since angah and acik dok ikut aku - rimas la. one thg wit acik - dia suka sabotaj aku time amek pic.. goyang pokok, it he knows aku amek dat object.. buat bising etc. geram aku! no matter how many time aku smack down dia - mcm tu jugak! heh. angah je sporting.


nak siap2. nak pi tgk Damia.. i hope she's doin ok now. managed to talk to her on the phone - damn i am glad!








Saturday, August 14, 2010

g'nite!






its nice to be back in ere. wit all the familiar faces around, of course. bein able to iftar wit the whole family - and bersahur trow early morn.


but sometimes - thgs happen. and we never even think of it - i bet dis is kinda 'ujian' from Allah Taala. i hope trow wld be better. and trow will brings more good news, insyaAllah.


Damia - be strong. ur gonna be jst fine.


minimons b'puasa..




tiada lagi shuffle sesuka-suki.




Kelakar. Dats about it. Aku tgk minimons neh b'puasa, lembik sekor2. Angah the mini-me tak lagi b'shuffle dr terbit matahari till matahari hilang dek pandangan mata. Acik the minimon lagi sengsara aku tgk. Tgk je gmbr kat atas, its beyond any description. Kakak the Areyna ok sket since dia dah b'thn2 pun b'puasa. Damia and Haziq, lunch nasik kombo KFC pak long beli specially for them both - making all the other minimonsters frust menunggin and tarik muka pjg ke lantai.


Owh, i loike! And aku rasa for the first time - tenang gila babs, since no minimons yg ber-Waka Waka tak tentu hala, smack down sesama sendiri and shuffle atas katil aku time aku mengantok giler. Heh. Nanti aku nak rekemen dorg neh smbung poser mlm ari plak. Aman donia!









minimonster-ing time!


leaving home now - its minimonster-ing time! i cat wait. gonna take the road, slow and steady. bet kampung aku tak lari ke mana pun. called abah - told him dat aku'll be back by noon insyaAllah. kak ngah and the minimons will be in jap lagik. and Soleh pun dah smpai semlm lagik! yayy!!


mak goin to cook bubur nasik - my fav. wit smbal ikan bilis. omg.


see u!







Friday, August 13, 2010

i am sorry!






to my so-called 'wilting' (so u said)
money plant a.k.a Devils Ivy..






''so how its goin? i know.. i know.. look - it aint my fault ur up there on my bathroom wall, eh. but its really hard to remember to water u when ur up there - damn, ironically - dat ur in my bathroom.. ermm.. i said - its not my fault.. jst dun keep sayin dat! i dun mean to - yeah, i know.. all the other plants in the house get watered, but ur up there! its not a murder plot or somethg.. owh, gosh - cld u be a bit gentle? heh! tak baik la tuduh2!!



no no.. wait a minute. y on earth wld i murder u? u know how many times i've cut a bit of u and plant em in other small pots and wallaaaa.. they off being a superb creatures! is it twice? erk, no? owh, its been more than dat aye? it has - ur just bein ridiculous. yes, i know its a healthy trend to put more plants indoors, nowadays. and i find out keepin u r damn much easier than anythg in the world, yeah. no, dun say dat! i am not comfortable wit dat.. it wld be jst weird.


dats y.. dun do dat - c'mon.. look. i'll 'siram' u now, eh? wat? 'mandikan' u? darn! i know! i'll water u rite now.. watdya mean 'too lil, too late?', over larrr.. ur not even dyin yet! ur one good plant, i'll been keepin u for yrs now. u never grumbled dat much.. but wats wrong wit u tnite? i do appreciate u. no, dats not true - i am not leavin anythg, anybody at all - life was not better when it was jst the two of u.. we r together, and dats the way its gonna be - and u'll jst hav to get used to it.


fine - be dat way.. yes, i am watering u. and dun u try to fight it.. water is water, whether u want to call dis an empty gesture or not.. u know, if u do dat again.. dats it. i am leaving. and i am gonna put u out there under the bright sun! dats it. i'm leaving. darn i'm sorry we even had dis kinda conversation.. fine!''






erk..








"The fear of Friday the 13th is called friggatriskaidekaphobia, frigga, meaning "Friday" and triskaidekaphobia, or paraskevidekatriaphobia, a word derived from the concatenation of the Greek words Paraskeví (Παρασκευή, meaning "Friday"), and dekatreís (δεκατρείς, meaning "thirteen"), attached to phobía (φοβία, from phóbos, φόβος, meaning "fear"). The word was derived in 1911 and first appeared in a mainstream source in 1953.. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friday_the_13th


yeah - u know it alrite - its Friday the 13th. i dun really realize it - for me the date is jst another number - until someone sent me a msg regarding it and how 'its kinda creepy, aye?' kinda thang.

well i am not bein superstitious or anythg at all, but i tot i'd jot sthg since it IS the only month dis yr wit dat has its 13th day fall on a Fry-day. or - Friday dat it.

wat is it about Friday the 13th anyway? despite all those creepy blood splashin ere and there kinda movies u mght get pertaining to the date? some say its the most widespread and world's most popular superstition. its basically considered to be a day of bad luck. ask me why and how - well, i dun hav the answer for dat God sake. and i never really looked into the origin of dis day before, or where it got its superstition.

if its in Christian world - 13 is a significant number. the number of ppl presence in the Last Supper, Judas was the 13th person to arrive and such. i cant remember the details, but i've read it somewhere.

basically the number 13 has been considered an unlucky number by most of ppl. the fear manifests itself in various forms today - i think. building shldnt hav 13 floors, some ppl refuse to drive or even go out on dis particular date. and to make it worst - Hollywood comes out wit owh-so-many movies showing how bad is dis date cld be.. and some r so damn bloody funny. and doesnt make sense pun. frankly i dun know - its subjective anyway. i cld say its superstitious, and u may not agree wit me. so be it.

i dun really believe in superstitious. be it watever it is. and i only knew dis 13th thang when i grow up - and it has been around for ages. ppl I don’t really believe in the superstition myself, but it has been around for a long time. far as i concern - ppl has been sayin dat Friday the 13th is an unlucky day. i gez some ppl who experienced bad luck during dis day, will most probably be more wary of it compared to those who havent really giv it a damn tot to it.

but wat ever it is - i think its safe dat to say dat we shld je be careful at all times - be it Friday the 13th, or not. furthermore - its the 13 minus 10 for me = the 3rd Ramadhan of the month! hehe




TGIF, again!









3rd day of Ramadhan. cant wait for trow, since i am leavin town again - for my mum/dad's. ngah siad she's goin to be there as well - wit her hubby and all the min
imons. c
ik - erm, payah la sket.. dgn kelas dia on the weekend, and furthermore - he's and the family in Kedah nun.. cuti tak sama. watever it is, i really do hope he's gonna make it - so we wld like be all in the house - iftar and sahur together, jst like before. well, i know it aint the same - since kak yang & family r not around - but, kalo sihat tubuh badan, panjang umur; i am goin to see her back again.. for she's gonna make it in ere by next year, insyaAllah.


semlm Majlis Berbuka Puasa bersama stdnts (K25 to be precise) and BAHEIS berjalan lancar Alhamdulillah. nothg much tho - its a plain ucapan2 sket, ngaji2
sket, berbuka puasa, sembang2, terawih, tazkirah and such. tak ramai pengajar yg dtg pun - tp i was glad i made it. sian budak2 neh - buat segala mala.. tp kalo tak dpt sambutan from their own le
cturers - kesian la. Mr Bong, Mr Nazri, Ismail, aku, Apiz, KF, Mr Khairuddin and even Ramesh pun dtg. Fina, Rod and Yus pun ada.. ok la. rather than nby at all. tp by the time terawih nak start - tinggal aku, Nazri, Amed je yg ada. hahaha.. i gez masing2 ada urusan masing2 la kot.


4 hrs or teaching today. 2 hrs of class and another 2 hrs of tuto
rial.. aku jst siapkan a bit of question for presentation and discussion je la for the tutorial - since aku kena conduct Psyche Case Clerking presentation budak2 senior at 3pm.. heh. bertindan la plak. so - be it la. aku do yg termampu. tak kan nak kerat dua kot badan aku eh?


aku dah apply off days for next week on Thursday/Friday. i jst cant wait.

















btw - the above pics aku amek during otw aku pi majlis berbuka semlm. accident between 3 cars and created kinda mess all the way like 4km away. heh - ni kes rebut2 pi param and rebut2 nak balik rumah la neh.. and 2 of em - the owner is perempuan. so - tell me about it! heh!














Thursday, August 12, 2010

air tebu!






aku balik awal today. dr aku terus duduk office and get my OCD a bit more severe (dat is Obsessive Computer Disorder, eh.. bukan Obsessive Compulsive!), better off aku balik rumah je.. and - erk, work from home. bley? today is so like menguji keimanan dan kesabaran aku - for it is so damn bloody, freakin hot hell yeah. panas terik.. kering kulit2 weh! rasa nak berlari2 anak masuk ke dapur, bukak pintu fridge and bertinggung in front of it.. bukan apa - nak wap sejuk tu je.. jst like waktu kechik2 dulu. haha


aku dah siap iron baju melayu for tonite. malas la weyyy.. tp - better of la one shot. pi je lah. aku tgk tentative mcm penuh je smpai done wit solat terawih.. ermm..


aku teringin nak minum air tebu. or air kelapa. gotta go out and hunt for it. either one. or both.


heh.






*yawn*











nah!
fyi - dat aint me.







damn i am so bored. and there's a Majlis Berbuka Puasa dis evening wit the students - another official event yg aku not really keen of going. but then - it stated there, its kinda 'compulsory' for those lecturer yg Moslem to go - to at least show a bit of support for the students' activity held by them. no - it doesnt mean dat i dun like kinda thang - tp i hate the protocols and such. argkhhh..


and i am kinda sleepy as well. i feel like to crash. very, very badly.. but not in ere, definitely.


dammit - can i go home? like.. NOW?


*yawn*