Saturday, October 9, 2010


hit me!
erk - i mean; hit it!!

i've tried lately, but i jst missed the gym.. and workin out. i felt hollow inside. i went to the gym coupla days back and got my membership renewed. Bryan seemed to be glad to see me back to the gym, wit kinda cynical smile on his face - yeah, i am not even 6 pax as yet, dammit. the gym - its clean and frenly place. and i once told relatively empty in the morn., which is the way i like my gyms to be - not to populated - wit those kinda ppl. i mean - a lot kind of ppl. when i am feelin vulnerable, angry and stress - i jst wanna go to the gym, workout and not hav to look anyone in the eye, especially myself.

on my good days, i walk wit my shoulders back - wit a positiveness in my walk. i hardly notice the flabby parts dat i am carrying arround - becoz i am workin it off, slow but sure. no - i am not dreaming of 6 pax God sake. a bit of tone wld be nice, indeed. i smile, and i am outgoin and not afraid to approach ppl.

but on my less good days, i tend to walk closer to the wall, tryin to disappear into the background. i hesitate to speak - in case i am questioned on somethg i dun know. or somethg i cldnt careless of. i avoid speakin in meetings. i'd tend to keep thgs to myself. i am not completelt comfortable wit the way ppl r put out on limbs in them - afraid to be singled out. almost sick at the tot.

i notice dat when i am not workin out, or even out for a jog - i hav more bad days than usual. i am more cautious. afraid to take a leap.

when i am workin out - it seems to set my followin day for success. i feel more confident, less nervous. if i dun know the answer to a question - i will find it out. nobdy knws everythg under the sun, after all. i am more comfortable in my own skin.

i knw all dat - i mean, i wrote it to me - for me. so y cant i get back into the stride of thgs? *sigh*

part of it is b'coz i've let myself not to be the most important thg to me, i've takes the focus off of me - and put on somethg else. well - i gotta put it to the stop somehow. i cant make others decide thgs the way i want em to, but i can make a decision to focus on myself.