Saturday, October 30, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
done wit the packing thang. aku was kinda sleepy after dining out jst now - had a bowl of chicken soup and tea-o-ais. and aku done went thru stdnts aku nyer research tadik kat ofc. since aku tak sempat review any of 5 of em ptg tadik - aku set up appointments for em all to come and see me at nite in the office - which means - aku kena turun ofis jap, tadik. but its ok - its done now, and i am glad. rather than aku bertangguh2 till abes cuti nanti.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
finally i am home - for good. penat plak rasa. was in Sri Malaysia for jamuan wit budak2 neh.. tak semua lecturer di jemput - i am not sure y. food - ok. the crowd - best. budak2 neh ok je - bila aku hala kamera - pakat2 nak posing.. nanti la esok2 aku upload pics.
final look at slides aku for trow whole day talk - Interpersonal Communication, Problem Solving & Decision Making and Time Management & Assertiveness. aku ngantok, rasa tak sedap badan. the only hope i am havin now - aku'd get up early trow mornin wit a good health to drive up to Taiping and survive the whole day, bagi talk to all the pegawai penjara there..
g'nite. see u ppl in MumuLand!
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
i am leaving the office now. i dun think i can stand lingering around all dis shait anymore. my eyes r aching. and so does my head. i feel like nauseated lookin dis the mess on my table, figures and such. i jst need to leave all dis behind. leave work, at work. i wish. but i dun think so.
apart of me dealing wit all dis shait - i try to keep myself bz. my head has been wandering around - all over places. i tried so hard to stay positive - dat thgs r goin to be alrite.. dat thgs r jst fine - but dammit, i jst cant help myself.
i am not sure if i've done wrong. i am not sure if all the steps i take cld bring me disaster. i knw somethg is wrong somewhere. somethg went wrong somewhere. i dun knw.
i am hungry. i dun feel good - emotionally, physically. i jst wanna get home. and throw myself in own crib.
damn i feel like backin off.
and i've been skipping my gym routine as well. shait.
gotta run back as usual ptg ni, and hit the gym as well, tnite - for i wont be able to do dat during dis weekend.
btw - damn.. its TGIF. yippppieeeeeeeeeeeyay yee!!
Monday, October 18, 2010
its 6.45am - and i gez its way too early still to get out of the house. i will be hitting the road again -the usual route to Pantai Remis, Beruas and Parit for clinical visits/teaching. frankly speaking - i dun feel like doin dis, i'd love to re-schedule; but i dun think i'd be able to do so - mls nak tangguh2 keje since its gonna be kinda pack dis week, and and next week.
rasa tak brp sedap badan. kinda drowsy. light headed.
damn. not now. at least - not today.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
its Sunday. the day wit the great sun in it. hell yeah. and hell warm, as well. aku terjaga around 4am and tertido balik rite til 6.45am - and Subuh belum, kelam kabut since aku hav to be there in Padang Polo at 7.30am. by 7.20am aku alrdy there - aerobic for an hr, jogging for another 45mins.. and i am done - heading home.
its Sutinah Day, today. the day when u shld be doin nothg except mengemas rumah et al. being Sutinah as if Indo nyer org gaji - aku used to it. after all dis is my house, kalo aku tak kemas - saper lagi? so - aku started wit sapu lantai, vacuum ere and there, mop lantai atas bawah, tukar cadar sumer katil, sarung2 bantal, do the laundry, cuci sumer bilik2 air, lap debu bagai. itu baru dlm rumah - luar pun aku redah jugak since today is the only day. kalo tangguh2 - sha2 la aku tak settle bila2 pun.. so - aku gardening sket2, tukar air2 pokok aku, baja pokok, racun rumput and yeha - sapu lantai luar rumah. by 2pm - aku dah tersadai.. in towel sejak balik dr Padang Polo. haha.. mandi, lunch sket, Zohor.. and aku tertdo rite till 4pm. fuuhhhhh!!
now the disastrous part - lipat kain. argkhhh! dis is another one thang yg aku hate of doin. aku nowadays dah kinda ok wit do the dishes - aku used to hate myself bila kena basuh pinggan.. yuckkss! but now - think i am ok wit it. best plak main2 sabun tgk pinggan kotor then bersih kilat2.. and aku dah ok sket when it comes to shaving my own face - the goatee, the beard misai bagai.. tp still - the skill - damn i gotta learn it well yeah. aku cant help to cut my face again and again - tp no more bleed to death, God sake. above all - heh, i am learnin! hehe
err.. gotta go. nak pi kedai mamak potong rambut. and.. yeah, trim misai janggut. hehe
Saturday, October 16, 2010
my Body Alignment.
the bodyache starts to set in now. aku nyer legs sakit giler esp naik turun tangga and time solat. semlm buat chest pun tak sesakit neh.. sengal2 sket je. kena cari Brufen weh, stock dah abes.. but its ok - i am enjoyin dis. the feelin of satisfaction in me after each session. i am doin cardio and gym selang sehari la - jst like Bryan told me. i need to do dis - i hav 2 weeks to go. bley? haha
i love bein in the gym. seein all those ppl workin out so hard, pushin em self beyond the limit - it courage me to do better. but, as for me - there are 3 types of ppl yg pergi gym neh; a) the lingering, b) the blah blah blah, c) the woooooooooooooof!!..
- the lingering;
these kinda guys r yg jenis dtg gym tak la nak work out sgt, cuma nak tgk2 tongkol besi and tgk2 org je.. then belek2 hp. bila time org guna brg and such - they wld go and stand beside u, as if waiting for their turn - tho they know ur not done wit yr reps yet, tp gigih nak jugak.. tp bila dah bagi chance - buat gtew2 je and blah. tak cukup cycle, tak tau brp reps buat. kejis. and u dun really know wat they r doin. jap buat shoulder, tiber2 pi buat abs., then chest, then leg.. eh - all in one eh for one session? damn.
- the blah blah blah..
haiyoooo.. dis is another one. damn aku cannot tolerate one. i am sorry to say - most of em r Malay. yg jenis kepochi neh. dia tau ur workin out, and u dun hav like the whole day nak spend kat gym. but then - they love doin dis - askin u hows yr day, where do u work, lambat dtg ari ni, naper lambat dtg, naik pe dtg gym, dtg sorang ke, dah lama ke join gym, ada amek supplement ke, ada amek protein ke blah blah blah blah.. adoi. aku tak kisah la setakat sket2, breaking the ice so dat bley jadik partner workin out ke.. tp smpai keje pe, tmpat keje sumer bagai nak tau.. never ever! pantang nenek moyang cucu cicit aku. bagi aku - gym is the place u workin out. u go there, do wat u wanna do till u puke, and off u go. buat kwn sket2, kenal2 member gym sket. nothg more and nothg less. aku tak suka kalo org ajak menyembang time aku do my routine. kejis!
- the woooooooooooooof!!
hahaha.. remember 'mr wooofff' in my old entry last time? dis is another kinda guy. he is in his own world. kinda syok seniri. gym dah tetapkan rules and regulation ko tak bley separuh bogel (it is tak pakai baju) while in gym.. but these guys - they cldnt careless. jst becoz their badan r so like.. errr. nah, i shldnt start. i mean - of coz, cantek siot! aku tgk pun rasa nak nanges pilu. tp, attitude mcm harem. mana ada cermin, kat situ le ada set neh. angkat sket, jerit kena lbey. and sora pitch tetap. angkat sket, again jerit kena lbey. dan angkat besi tu kena lah di hadapan cermin ye adik2! aiyoooo..
but then - aku wit my own plan lah. aku pun suka juga tgk2 cermin - see any changes or not. tp tak la conquer the whole dinding yg berchermin sambel 'wooooooooof' ere and 'wooooooooooof' there. aku pun tgk2 jgk hp once in a while, risau kalo2 nanti tak jwb call penting bagai - jenuh la plak kang. and yeah - aku pun sembang la sket2 pe patot, aku tak suka nanti org ckp aku kekwat tak tentu hala.. after all, tak rugi kalo berbaik2, and ramai kawan pun.
and as for me - all these kinda ppl, made my life really. best tgk dorang neh. byk yg aku belajar, of coz. aku mls nak komen pe2, tp aku prefer to see em, and aku learn a thg or two. regarding behaviors and such, the id, ego and super-ego et al.
damn. i gotta hav somethg for my breakie and amek ubat la. naik tangga je rasa nak terkentot. cemaneh? heh!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
cant really sleep. crashed early at 10pm last nite - i alrdy wide awake at 1am. byk benda dlm paler otak - one of it - i gotta be in UPM for the konvokesyen ceremony rite on time. heh.
dah bgun pun. me and my fmly gonna hit the road now.
i wish i cld be havin some frens there - beside my fmly. kak yang, cik et al. but basically - its a working day, and i cant demading thgs dat way.
btw - congratulation, Shahe!
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
reached home by 7pm - aku dah btol2 mentally, physically exhausted. i feel like to crash early - but still; aku hav coupla thgs to be done before trow morn. i hate doin dis - i remember telling myself way back then dat i gotta leave work at work.. but now - i am messing up the whole shait.
coupla thgs keep bothering me and i aint kinda like it dis way. i wish i cld be bold enuff to say thgs out and handle it well like others do - but then..
dis coming 13th is gonna be another big day for me - after all dis yrs aku've been struggling - time, resources and such - and finally, i did it well alhamdulillah. thank to my family, mak abah and adik2.. i dun knw where wld i be w/o their good words and pat on my back during some of my toughest time..
but then - i am not sure y i dun really feel the thrill. the excitement. i feel like to go up on the stage, get the whole thang done rite - and off i go. i feel like goin there sorg2 je - the less ppl know, the better.
i knw dis is wrong. but i cant help feeling dis way.
damn. gnite anyway.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
erk - i mean; hit it!!
i've tried lately, but i jst missed the gym.. and workin out. i felt hollow inside. i went to the gym coupla days back and got my membership renewed. Bryan seemed to be glad to see me back to the gym, wit kinda cynical smile on his face - yeah, i am not even 6 pax as yet, dammit. the gym - its clean and frenly place. and i once told relatively empty in the morn., which is the way i like my gyms to be - not to populated - wit those kinda ppl. i mean - a lot kind of ppl. when i am feelin vulnerable, angry and stress - i jst wanna go to the gym, workout and not hav to look anyone in the eye, especially myself.
on my good days, i walk wit my shoulders back - wit a positiveness in my walk. i hardly notice the flabby parts dat i am carrying arround - becoz i am workin it off, slow but sure. no - i am not dreaming of 6 pax God sake. a bit of tone wld be nice, indeed. i smile, and i am outgoin and not afraid to approach ppl.
but on my less good days, i tend to walk closer to the wall, tryin to disappear into the background. i hesitate to speak - in case i am questioned on somethg i dun know. or somethg i cldnt careless of. i avoid speakin in meetings. i'd tend to keep thgs to myself. i am not completelt comfortable wit the way ppl r put out on limbs in them - afraid to be singled out. almost sick at the tot.
i notice dat when i am not workin out, or even out for a jog - i hav more bad days than usual. i am more cautious. afraid to take a leap.
when i am workin out - it seems to set my followin day for success. i feel more confident, less nervous. if i dun know the answer to a question - i will find it out. nobdy knws everythg under the sun, after all. i am more comfortable in my own skin.
i knw all dat - i mean, i wrote it to me - for me. so y cant i get back into the stride of thgs? *sigh*
part of it is b'coz i've let myself not to be the most important thg to me, i've takes the focus off of me - and put on somethg else. well - i gotta put it to the stop somehow. i cant make others decide thgs the way i want em to, but i can make a decision to focus on myself.
on dis day - God wants u to knw - dat decision is only a wishful thinkin until u take dat first irreversible step. u can tell urself dat u hav alrdy decided; dat nothin now can stop u - but if dat dat step backwards is so much safer than the step forwards - wat will hold u to ur path when the goin gets tuff? sometimes - the rite thg to do is to take dat first irreversible step, the one after which u cannot go back. and now - for u, is one of those times.
on dis day, God wants u to know - dat when u come to a wall, u can either climb it, or u can simply walk around until u find a door. the principle is - dun make life so hard. life's short. we shld celebrate life as it is. and make it worth a while. so - look for the doors!
on dis day - God wants u to know; dat ur a human being, not a human doin. take time to jst be, to breathe slowly, to feel ur body dat is the temple of ur own soul. no activities. no worries. no buzzing.
on dis day, God wants u to know - dat ur blessed. u may think u hav challenges, but u hav so many blessings. sometimes it takes only a moment of conscious effort to recognize those blessings. once u focus on the gifts instead of the problems, ur whole perspective will change and u will see blessings everywhere.
on dis day - God wants u to know dat all is well. all is goin accordin to plan. trust dat there is a bigger picture. trust dat life is unfolding as it shld.
sometimes - i wish life wld be as easy as we scream it out to be.
but it aint.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
reached home by 10.35pm, after like more than 1hr aku stranded in my own car - i wish thgs wld be better, but lately - it aint. i started to lose control over my own self, and dats pathetic.
i gez i gotta get use to it after all. next week is gonna be one of the highlight event in life, insyaAllah. before another one towards end of the month.
and after all dat - i cld stay low, and i wont be goin around wishin for dis and dat, any longer. tho God knows, i wanna do a lot, really. theres coupla thgs left undone - kelas renang, kelas photography to name a few.
God gimme strength.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
theres things in life u dun want it to happen, but it does. and there r thgs in life ur wishin to God above for at least - it'll come true - somehow it cld be stayin a bit further, drifting away from u. and it left u wondering why. and theres time in life - when u knw thgs r gonna be alrite - dat its jst a matter of time; but at the end, it left u some kinda bitter taste in ur mouth and drown u in sadness - for it'd never come true.
its been a long day for me, today. started as early as 3am in the morn., till i drove back reachin home around 6.30pm.. i wish i need not to go thru all dis, but thgs jst happened. and all i can do is to keep tellin myself dat 'thgs r gonna be jst fine', and dat i am 'gonna be alrite' - tho i knw they were all jst a plain white lies.
erm. i shld go count blessin. rather than anythg, at all.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
wake up late, in a panic
rush to get ready
din get the chance to eat
drink lot of coffee instead
no spiritual reflection
tak sempat nak plan ur day
focus on ur failures - grumble away
u forget to smile
be selfish and unfrenly
criticize, blame and complain
think of some -ve tots
dictate, direct and command till others puke on u
dun forget to nag!
and never overlook mistakes
no time for a lunch
u dun communicate - no talking, no calls, no sms-es
and keep it all to urself!
worry about trow
be rigid and cranky as well
retire wit bad tots
and yeah - a full stomach!
how to hav a good day?
and wake up early as well
breathe slow and deeply
kick ur day wit a bit of exercise
take 5 mins to reflect - SUBUH!!
and yeah - smile a lot..
listen more - talk less!
beware of giving advice - only when needed
ur work? its privilege
do ur best
relax ur neck muscles
plan time for relaxation - go for a jog!
and a bit of gym, may be
throw away -ve feelings
drain ur -ve energy away!
let go anger and guilt
leave work, at work
review ur accomplishments
plan pleasurable events
eat well at nite
recognize ur blessings
lots of love, yeah.
p/s; watdya think?