its kinda hot out there - so lately, i've been spending a lot of time inside, in these three rooms i call home. the kitchen. the bedroom. and my reading room. these rooms r like the confines of my mind - the kitchen; my hunger. the bedroom; my desire. the reading room; my solitude. three thgs i hav to deal wit every single fcuking day. shait - i think i spend a lot of time w/in these places - wit in my mind. out in the real world, u can always step outside for a breather. in my head then - theres no escape. not ever.
when i meet ppl. they take one look and me and dismiss me then (most of the time) as some stupid, oversized bald-headed. s'one who doesnt hav a tot in his brain. fcuk dat. i've got the opposite problem - fyi. i think, i think too much. i dwell on too many thgs. my mind wanders. s'times i feel trapped. like the walls r closing in on me. its so damn suffocating. i wonder if i can keep dis up for another months to go - and make it to the end. some nites - when i awake - like most of the nites; i imagine dat the front door is unlocked. dammit, the fear comes a calling. doubt walks in. questions howl outside, rattle my freakin windows. and i feel so small. hopeless. and i jst dun know wat to do.
but wit in these three rooms, i still remain. wit Hunger, Desire, Solitude. i gotta keep drivin forward. i jst hav to. i wish i cld hav choices, to choose. but apparently - i am not. so when i am sitting ere alone in another mid of the nite - i tell myself i am not gonna go fcukin nuts over some silly thgs. over some petty thgs. and i tell myself coupla thgs more.
these r the tenants dat occupy my mind - the fcukin place, where i live.