Wednesday, March 31, 2010

too short, to be shitty..

i wld say i've been thru the worst before - and wat i am gonna get thru today or trow, wld be jst a plain 'peanut' dat i cld take it jst like dat and it aint gonna cost me a single shyte. dats wat i've been holdin on, day by day.. and i am doin alrite wit it. and somehow, it gets me goin. it makes me a better, stronger person (in a way) - dat theres not a single shyte gonna be in my way dat i cant deal wit - until today..

i promise myself i am gonna keep a mum about dis. and i will do dat God sake. jst dat wat i am gonna do in ere is solely about me - about myself, my feeling and such. and the fact is dat - damn, i finally know dat i aint steel shyte. i am jst a plain human being. i failed today. and i never expected dat i wld be so freakin weak, confuse dat i am not sure wat to tell, wat to do and such. i've made a wrong judgment. i was at the point dat i believe i wld be able to handle thgs alrite. dat thgs r goin to be jst fine - but f*ck. it aint. i feel like i am losing touch! dammit - i dun giv it a shyte about the so-f*ckin touch wat ever not - but the inability to 'restore' the whole thang making me feel like a crap, God sake.

but then - i realized somethg. i gez all dis inability, cripple makes u a human being. i aint a Superman. let alone some colorful Powerpuff Gals. i had my limits. i wont be strong forever. and i aint gonna be a weak like all the time. all dis makes me a better person, makes me a open up my eyes lookin thru a wide broader horizon. and today - i learn a lot. a real-lot, God sake.

we r jst a plain human being. made up from a flesh and blood. we all do mistakes. and we hav to admit it, if we do - for dat make us a better self, for dat allow us to move on. theres no use of keepin shyte in mind, build it up - the hatred, all up - piling up in u. for dats not goin to help, God sake. its about time to forgive and forget - shyte i know its so easy to say so, but dammit - trust me, it wld be worth trying - no matter how hard it is. life is so f*ckin short to deal wit all dis hatred in u, the pain, the regrets and such. we do trip sometimes. we all do. and dat doesnt mean we r a scumbag. useless. for if we dun trip, we never know how its gonna look like. how it feels like.

i am putting dis all in for sort of reminder for myself. i wanna remember dis - i wanna learn. i wanna hav less pain in me. i wanna hav no hatred kept in me. i wanna love ppl around me. i wanna make sure each sec of life left wld be memorable, great and kickin arses. i need no tears. i need no shyte, really. and i want all my love ones - be it some long gone frens, faded frens, my real best fren, my lovely family, - all ppl around me cld feel the same vibe as well.. dammit - life is so short to be darn pretty shitty.

i am sorry for lettin all dis out. i jst need to. or else - i'd be lookin out for some white owl, counting sheep God sake. and i want to start trow as beautiful as it is..

g'nite fellas. f*ckin bee-auw-tea-fool day trow, ya!


can i hav more coffee, pls!!

nothg much for today - i need to finish up the marking, key in the marks.. and i am done then. but then - looking at stdnts' papers - aku dah cukup mau jadik gila mcm neh.. soalan kacang (as for me - for it is so not analytical nyer soalan pun!), klu dah kasik, latihan dah buat.. tp still.. taik jugak yg aku dpt. ada yg jst salin soalan, ada yg MCQ lnsg tak bley jawab.. aiyoooo! my blood really goes up-stairs lah!

be it la.. no one can go questioning my P&P. i know wat i am doin. and its not like dr 108 stdnts - sumer flat on the ground. cuma ada 7 - 8 ekor ni je.. yg sah2 aku kenal muka, sah2 aku kenal siapa. yg kaki korek idung dlm kelas and getting high for it, yg kaki tido dlm kelas and lost conscious for it, yg seeing me but seeing thru me and.. erk - i dun know if they r or not getting high on it lah! hahaha.. heh. i did my part. if theres no readi-ness, if they dun wanna learn - who am i to force em? i aint no their daddy! let alone their mummy larr!! kej.

sometimes aku rasa sdey dgn budak2 skang neh - taking thgs for granted. taking thgs easy - heh.. 'lecturer will giv us notes, lecturer will giv us all.. all we hav to do, is get out arses seated, and listen. understand it or not.. lain kira..' aku ingat my own time - last time, so different. everythg is on own effort. tp ye lah - tak kena jugak nak compare dulu and skang.. wldnt be fair pun.. heh.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010


i wanted to help. theres nothg in between. i jst wanna help. i want everybdy to be happy. to be able to live life as it is - to share thgs, loves, attention and such. for life is too short for any argument. for any bad tots. life is too short to be damn selfish - when u started to think about urself - again and again, and starting to forget dat others might as well need some space to breathe, some space to live their own life; as it is.. and need a bit of time to make their own self happy, for they might not be as happy as the way u can be.

in a way - i feel bad. i am not sure if i am doin the rite thg. and i gez - dis put me in sort of difficult situation. not dat i am complaining - for demi Allah - i do wanna help. jst dat may be - did i do it in a rite way? did i hurt s'one else's heart? God.

for who dis may concern - jst live life as it is. its urself first dat u hav to take care of, make urself happy - for if u dun care about urself, u wont be able to care a thang about anythg at all.. and if ur not happy, u dun expect others to be happy as well, kan? and dun bother too much about wat ppl mght say - its so subjective for ppl love to see thgs, in their own perspective, not considering how its gonna be for ur own sake.

life is about sharing. and caring. u know wat dat means. and life is too short to complicate the whole thang - badly; dat one day u'll regret for complicating it too much u lose ur time in enjoying it well..


its.. erk - Tuesday!

ppl say its the past dat mold u into wat ur now. the experience. the pain u went thru, the betrayal and such. makes u into someone ur now - dats wat they say. it doesnt takes a genius to figure out dat particular one. u know it, as well.

erm - i am not sure why on earth i am rambling on dat.. but i gez dats wat in my head even before i jumped into my MuMuLand, God sake.

done marking around 1am in the morn., i was like cldnt help myself to keep on peeping the crib for i was like so mengantuk giler last nite - but damn; i managed! done wit the first part - MCQs, aku terus masuk tido! in no time at all - i dozed off, and the next thg i know, i was there lying, terjaga from the sleep since anjing Cina belakang rumah aku howling like hell - and it was like 4.30 in the morn. arkhh.. u know rite away dat i cant go sleeping like a beauty queen rite after dat, eh? so i went down stairs, into my bilik baju-baju keje.. and started to pick - mix and match; wat to wear for today. pressed em all, get the rite tie and such. i realized like 1/4 of my working shirts aku dah tak hav em on for about 2 months plus now.. which means - i gotta take em out from the wardrobe and put em aside. i remember reading somewhere - kalo baju dah tak pakai for more 2 months, u shld 'get rid of em' for theres a possibility dat ur not gonna hav em on, after dat!

and aku did somethg i never did before - aku trim rambut aku sendiri at 4.30am, and aku did some shaving over my goatee and such. heh.. i did it well pun!

i gez dats life is - a simple as it is. it wldnt be dat bad - as long as u wld be able to hold on to dis three.. the ability to learn, to re-learn, and to un-learn.

i think life can be meaningful then, eh? morning anyway!

tinggal misai and janggut sajork!


its 12.33am now, i dun feel like sleeping as yet. the scripts on my study desk making me feel like i wanna puke shait out, dat i wanna jst leave em all alone - hell yeah; in ur dream.

i did some reading - jumping from a blog to another - a one thang i've not been doin for quite some time - but tonite, i am doin it. i gez i am havin pretty much time wit me - not like before while i was so hooked up wit FB.. :-(

i was listening to the iPod for the first time (not dat i dun want to, but i din get the chance to) and to my suprise - it was loaded (pre-loaded, i mean) wit most of my all-time fav - there Mariah Carey in it, Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Alicia Keys, Daughtry hell-yeah, Shania Twain, and coupla more. i was speechless. dis lil someone who gav me dis - surely hell has been following wat i've put on my blog all dis while. otherwise - i aint sure how'd dis happen. eh? its like a conclusion for me. all in one small thang yet very meaningful, God sake.

God bless u, my fren.


Monday, March 29, 2010



reached home before Magrib - tho i know i did mention dat i wanna be home way early.. theres so many thgs to be done - yet i am kind of doubtful i do hav time for em all. i need to get all dis huge piles of exam papers, asgments to be marked before 1st April. or before i leave the office for like a week plus away from it. and OSCE to run. clinical reports and such - dammit i wish i cld be havin more hands than wat i am havin, now.

reached home - aku dah totally exhausted. mentally. physically. hit the shower, had a lite dinner and aku dah tersadai in my lazy chair, doin the channel surfing. theres coupla thgs caught my attention on History Channel - somethg about The Universe et al. and dat wldnt help me to stay put on it - i still jump from one to another - Lady GaGa's new clip Telephone - looks kinda kinky as well.. and by the time the big mug of OJ was done, and aku started to tersengguk2 like a parrot, aku climbed upstairs.. heh, the nite has jst begun. i gotta get thgs goin - doin the marking thang. shait.

ermm.. i was havin dis Antacid & H2 Receptor Blockers class wit budak2 Sem 2, when aku 'marah' dis boi for sleeping by tellin off 'where hav u been? to the Wonderland?' kinda thang and - heh, somethg caught my attention, again. i was wondering when the boys said 'not a Wonderland sir.. its MuMuLand!!'. i was like.. *gulpp* wat ur sayin? wheredya ppl get dat? and no one said a word.. erm, suspicious. suspicious. my blog? heh. i dun think so. my previous FB? non of the stdnts were in the list. heh!

Pinkie dah smpai rumah, alhamdulillah. she went thru a long day, God sake. and driving thru the heavy rain, on the high-way was not an easy thg to do. Johan sms-ed me - he was in the MuMuLand rite dr ptg tadik, until jst now around Isya'. and Chen - heh, i wonder where he is at.

gotta go. gotta start my thang now. or else - i'd be ended up sleepin, doin nthg.



there shldve be an OSCE held at 3pm - its been cancel plak. i shldve known earlier - so dat i'd be able to spend more time over lunch wit Pinkie, Johan and Dr Chen - they dropped in for a lunch. kinda nice of em all. i mean - real nice. Pinkie and Dr Chen drive up ere to send Johan back home - so we had lunch together. the four of us. Dr Chen - as usual, sweet and gila2. Johan - he's bigger than i ever tot he is.

so here i am in the room - doin some marking paper budak2 neh. and it is getting on my nerve alrite. the monotonous, repetition of all dis makin me sick, shait. i am havin my ass on dis chair, under the cold air - wit my mind, my soul wandering out there. and dis is so not rite.. *sigh*

and the phone - it has been so freakin quiet for like hrs now, dat i've lost count.. :-(

think i shld be leavin the building now.

and i am so outta ere.

losing the much-ness?

cant really sleep last nite - thgs running in my head as usual. and it was pretty damn hot, as well. i had my weekend well-occupied wit thgs - dat by 10pm; i was alrdy in bed.. and as usual - unfortunately for me - by 3am i was alrdy there, lying seein the ceiling, staring into the blank darkness, aimlessly. and today - i woke up wit thee feelin of numb, a bit of lazy dat i had to drag myself to the wash room - to start the whole new day.

started my days back on the track - earlier than i think i wld be. nothg to be much ado off actually - its Monday, God sake. and to start ur Monday wit dis kinda feelin in u is the last thg i wanna do, hell yeah.

i did somethg bad - last nite. s'thg i never think of doin, it was so foolishly idiot of me - to jump into shait like dat. i acted like a child, jst for some silly idiot petty thg. i regret it God sake. i am tremendously ashamed of it, really.

and i managed to do one thang i wanna do for quite a long time. its gonna be tough. i am gonna miss it alrite. but i hav to - sooner or later. no one wld ever realized it, one day. the absence. dat is.

starting counting days. for somethg yg betul2 mean a lot to me.

and i cant wait.

Friday, March 26, 2010


It starts wit a smile. It wld make thgs better. Tho ur lost. Tho ur like darn far away from where u belong. And u knew no one dat ur like thking dat ur darn lost. Its jst a matter of a single smile, it'd swipes all the scares, worries away. I knw how it feels. And i bet u as well. When ur down. Alone. But u never forget to hav dat smile on ur face - sincerely. And when u get the same in return, u knw how it is. Its a nice feeling u'll hav inside. The warmth. As if ur not alone, be it dat tho the fact is sthg else. Its a nice day and a nice place. Nice strangers arnd u. Its a great feeling ur havin, when ur no longer cling to dat 'everybdy needs somebdy' kinda shait, even jst for a while. Enjoy ur weekend, fellas. For as i am sure, i'd love mine!

Thursday, March 25, 2010

dis is my mind..

its kinda hot out there - so lately, i've been spending a lot of time inside, in these three rooms i call home. the kitchen. the bedroom. and my reading room. these rooms r like the confines of my mind - the kitchen; my hunger. the bedroom; my desire. the reading room; my solitude. three thgs i hav to deal wit every single fcuking day. shait - i think i spend a lot of time w/in these places - wit in my mind. out in the real world, u can always step outside for a breather. in my head then - theres no escape. not ever.

when i meet ppl. they take one look and me and dismiss me then (most of the time) as some stupid, oversized bald-headed. s'one who doesnt hav a tot in his brain. fcuk dat. i've got the opposite problem - fyi. i think, i think too much. i dwell on too many thgs. my mind wanders. s'times i feel trapped. like the walls r closing in on me. its so damn suffocating. i wonder if i can keep dis up for another months to go - and make it to the end. some nites - when i awake - like most of the nites; i imagine dat the front door is unlocked. dammit, the fear comes a calling. doubt walks in. questions howl outside, rattle my freakin windows. and i feel so small. hopeless. and i jst dun know wat to do.

but wit in these three rooms, i still remain. wit Hunger, Desire, Solitude. i gotta keep drivin forward. i jst hav to. i wish i cld hav choices, to choose. but apparently - i am not. so when i am sitting ere alone in another mid of the nite - i tell myself i am not gonna go fcukin nuts over some silly thgs. over some petty thgs. and i tell myself coupla thgs more.

these r the tenants dat occupy my mind - the fcukin place, where i live.



Wednesday, March 24, 2010


shait - a lot of thgs in life - lately - rub me the wrong way. did i jst say 'life'? heh. who am i kidding? s'times - the shait dat goes on in life, drives me to the freakin edge -- like the whole biz wit dis s'one. needless friction.

i gez dis coupla days - i am feelin worn down. i am wonderin about a lot of thgs. s'times, i jst wanna be alone and do thgs i wanna do. who cares about others? like - do others care about me? heh. i jst wanna tell everyone to fcuk off, go away. theres anger in me i need to let go and yet i jst dunno how. s'times, it takes every last fcukin ounce of discipline, self-control to put thgs - everythg, together.

but u know wat? its easy to take the low road. to follow those wit those 'yg tak cerdik akal' kinda thang. its easy to say 'fcuk it', and mix it up wit whomever gets in ur way. but damn - it takes a different breed to take the high road. to hav the discipline. the self-control. self-respect. in and outside ur life - to rise above the shait so many are mired in. u wanted to be polite about it and all - but then some ppl - they r taking granted on it damn pretty well.

shait - i wish dis lil s'one mght as well jst talk to me - like a man do - and i am more than happy to clear thgs off, or to lend a helping hand. dat single moment will definitely remind me dat when two thgs rub together - the results arent always be dat bad.

after all - to create a spark, to create a fcukin fire, u do need a lil friction. God sake.

and i shldnt be in ere, now.. :-(

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

fear. loathing. disgust.

run. hide. it walks among us -- fear mingled wit loathing. when i am out in the world, dis is wat i see reflected in the eyes of the others. as they pass by. they see a massive miscreant, a disgusting freak of nature, an ego runs amok. they sometimes - stop and stare. but u wanna know wat? they dun really see me. they dun really see me, for God sake. while they see a freak show, an abomination - i am a damn an afterthought. i am darn invisible.

ppl say it is far easier to ignore, than to understand -- well i gez, dis happens so often. i sometimes look in the mirror to make sure 'i am still there'. no, i am not a shadow. i am not invisible. in the mirror - i see skin, bone, muscle, sinew. i see potential, the genetics dat my abah handed me down. but there is also fear. fear mingled wit doubt. and i cannot run - for dats the fact. i look and wonder if i can shoulder the crushing burden of my own expectation.

only a bit more than a year to go - i stand ere looking for signs of progress. after all the struggles, the sacrifices, and all - wat stands before me is a man striving for somethg more. somethg convincing. somethg dat he can hold on to. behind the fear and doubt, a fire burns fierce wit determination. i see a man unsure of wat's out there. crippled. scared. insecure. we are all programmed to fear the unknown.

but i gez - dats not gonna turn me away.


nasik krabs hell yeah!


brunch? dis is wat i had. nasik krabs plus sambal sotong. heh. shut up. i know - kinda heavy. i will then - skip my lunch, my dinner, even my breakie fro trow - if needed. heh. as if! aku dgn Ajak tried out dis new stall by the main road - yg baru bukak, tp dah ramai org.. and it happens to be like.. 'wooowww!..'. the food not bad - tho Ajak initially merepek2 jugak since 'pe neh, sumer menu Kelantan mari je?' kat aku. he ended up makan nasik lemak, which he was like 'sedap jgk, Shah!' to me. aku plak - pe lagik, nasik krabs lah! i am proud myself for havin a perfect well-balanced meal today - starting the day; nasik wit sayur fresh (the ulam2, it is), sotong and such. erk. i know. can we forget about the calories and such, for a while? i am tryin to enjoy life in ere! heh.

KF buat hal. changed the schedule sesuka-suki hati dia je.. and effected my schedule as well. tiber2 Mr Bong called me up - saying aku ada kelas dgn budak2 Ajak - on Antacids and H2 Receptor Blockers - on Clinical Pharmacology, to be precise. pe neh? no earlier info pun? its not like aku tak bley ngajar. material sumer dah ada. tp aku need some preparation on it. aku need to be well-mastered on it. dats my principle. and Pharmacology is not my core pun. heh! and abes jadual aku ari neh la.. mengong. so - after kena panggil dek Mr Bong, aku panggil la KF. and dia - mcm biasak - trying so hard to find some other soft spot yg dia bley point to, and put the blame on. heh. sorry - dgn aku, jgn main2. kalo bab ISO sumer - sedap je komplen org. tp keje senirik mcm gampang. bosan aku.

perut dah kenyang. mata ngantok. lambat lagik pkul 5pm.

cemaneh? haha

its Tuesday!

she din scream shait-out
dis mornin! heh.


woke up late, blame it to my Alarm Cube the so-called Dream Machine. or perhaps - blame it on me je lah - for aku terlupa nak reset balik the alarm to the usual 5.30am. heh. and aku terjaga to the suara orang mengaji pre-azan, and the clock was like alrdy 6.10am - baju tak press lagik, aku belum mandi lagik and argkhh.. kelam kabut la jugak. mmg, aku tau - damn awal lagik. tp dah rutin. aku terasa mcm lewat la plak.

aku smpai rumah around 8pm semlm - still in baju ofis. no gym, no jog, no nthg. after Maghrib, aku dah 'tersadai' on kerusi malas - wit a big bar of Wittaker's, OJ sebelah, remote control on another. by 10pm - aku dah upstairs, ready to transform.

sampai ofis - makcik cleaner dah smpai pun, she brought me 'kueh bom' yg inti kelapa, bulat2 wit bijik bijan on the outside. aku dah 'lemas' sebenarnya.. aku nak je ckp, tak pyh la bwk breakfast like everyday for me.. tp aku tak tau nak ckp mcm mana.. heh. and today, she told me anak2 dia suka mkn kueh ni, and dia bwk sket 'untuk anak dia kat kolej ni'. aiyooo! aku senyum je la.. she's one nice old lady - keje bagus, soft-spoken and tak suka citer2 hal org.. she'll make sure bilik aku bersapu, no dust, meja kemas and such - like everyday, if aku in the room.

ermm.. dilema jap.

Monday, March 22, 2010

wit or wit out?

which one, wit or wit out the teeth?

banyak pic yg aku nak donlot - aku dah went thru - theres like 6rats lbey! heh. mati la nak upload sumer.

in malas mode now - may be soon.

for the time being - dis is me! huhu..


saper nak - angkat tangan!

back to work, as usual. checkin my mails - the snail mails dat is - full of trash. memos and such. heh. my emails? dat is s'thg else. flipping thru my schedule for the day - ermm.. not to say n'thg much either, but.. heh, i think shld be ok la kot. i'll be invigilating 2 papers, today. helping out my colleagues to be precise - dat is 8.30am till 9.30am - Anatomy & Physiology, 2.30pm - 3.30pm - Clinical Pharmacology. i think i am havin a class to run as well - at 10.30am rite up till 12.30pm - Introduction on Sociology wit the juniors. heh. think i'd be taking less than 2hrs la kot to deliver. its a short topic and i bet the students will be begging for some 'time off' nak go thru books and such - for they r havin papers - like a lot of it, dis whole week.

awal2 pagi lagik makcik cleaner dah hulur nasik lemak sebungkus kat aku.. heh. smells better! and CC aku plak bagi donuts - aku was like.. aiyooo.. nak sabotaj kah? tp rezeki. aku terima je la.. and as usual - stdnt2 yg dtg lepak bilik aku nyer rezeki la jwb nya!

its Monday. watdya expect? i was like in the class, yet my mind still wandering somewhere else..


Sunday, March 21, 2010

iPod Shuffle. yay!

Heh. Another belated b'day present. Gez from who? Look at the color lah. Its pink, which means its from Pinkie lah! Huhu.. Think i hav no guts to use it? *teeet* ur dead wrong. Rmbr? It takes a strong sexy guy to use pink, God sake. Erk, motip? Huhu.. Btw, aku bley shuffle la peh ni. Angah, Acik - here comes ur Pak Long. Nanti Pak Long shuffle Aats kaDtik, senirik. Heh.

dinner @ Papparich, Cyberjaya.

Had a great time, dining out wit Hazman si Tukang Taip and Pinkie at PappaRich, Cyberjaya. It was superb, dat i finally be able to hav my cincau soya wit gula melaka and my fav freakin koew teow goreng. Hazman din really eat tho, he and his sweet words tak abes2 nyakat aku and Pinkie. Kinda funny, and kdg2 aku was like mcm tak tau nak ckp pe - aku jst gelak2 and crushing my head, t'kelendat t'kulat2. We talked about thgs, about a lot of thgs. Hazman is a nice guy wit words. And charming too. Pinkie pun t'sipu2 asyik kena usik dek Hazman. And we had a great time, good laugh as well. Arnd 11pm, Hazman sent me bck to the hotel and gez wat? Anther supper followed. Satay at Bangi wit Azman and Pinkie, again. Pinkie ate like a horse. Erk. A pink pretty horse, alrite. I gez she's like ages tak jmpak satay la kot, so aku buat2 tak sdr la. Heh. By 2am, aku dah kat bilik. Siap2 for MuMu. And gez wat? Aku tdo dlm kelas tdi. Huhu

Saturday, March 20, 2010



nothg much to do ptg ni.. i was thinkin nak off to the Hot Balloon Fiesta, but then - malas la plak.. tadi pun tgk dr jauh je.. hajat di hati nak still pi snap2 pics there, dok tgk those FBookers masing2 post pics on the wall and they was like.. wow! heh.

i think the surrounding superb sgt. wit the sunset, tasik, nice big buildings, angin sepoi2 mcm tu.. heh.

rasa malas plak - esok dah kena balik Ipoh!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Pullman Lakeside, Putrajaya.

I always wanted to come ere. And stay in ere, as well. Been ere once during b'buka puasa last Ramadhan, and i remember keeping it to myslf, i hav to come in ere, again. Stayin in. And may be, photohunting as well. Gez wat? I am in, today! Staying in the Borneo block, the room is freaking superb! I managed to get a nice price, for a nice room. Heh. FYI, aku neh bkn jns fond of staying kat hotel2 mahal. Bkn tak mampu, tp bg aku stkt nak tdo, mandi, tkr bju.. tak pyh la mhl2 ko. Bg aku la. Tp dis Pullman is really sthg. Hehe.. Worth paying.. i thk. Big bed, pluffy pillows (and so many of em!), nice washroom and a lot more. Heh. Tak kuar bilik pun tak pe la kot..


And dis uncle bwk bus ni tak ke rasa nak stop mana2 R&R, eh? Aku nak terkenc giler babs sgt neh. I mean, sgt sgt, ok. Rasa nak melets je pepundi kenc neh. Dah la drive slow mcm snailpig. Argkh!


Woke up early dis morn., i didnt sleep dat much pun mlm tdi. Cld be b'coz of too hot. Or cld be thgs in my mind. No, pls. Dis time arnd, nthg biggie. I am glad thgs go on as usual, and dat i managed to make up coupla decisions yg all dis while i dun i'd be able to do so; makes me feel like.. wow. I knw. It sounds foolish. But come stepping in my shoes, for a day or two. Then u'd comprehend. I am sad still, for i wont be able to up wit my initial plan dat i've planned mths ago, but i gez its ok. It'd do good for everybdy. As long as ppl'd be smiling and thks its ok wit it, i gez i am ok wit it. I dun thk i'd go planning such plan, anymore. I am running out of time. Anyway, dat wont be a big deal, tho. Tadak rezeki la kot. Its ok. I gez, dats life is. Its like we r travelling on the hi way, at nite - wit the lampu on. U cld see wats infrnt of u, under the bright lite. And nthg beyond dat. We cld go planning thgs, hoping and wishing for the very best. We work out thgs well, hoping everythg wld be alrite. Yet, the end result - it dpnds. One thg dat i've learn, again and again - expectation. U knw wat i mean. And damn, dis Alicia Keys really drives gu gu wit her freakin voice.. Heh.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


alhamdulillah - thgs r getting better. in all perspective. most of the asgments r done - tunggu nak submit je. and yeah - theres a few more left (and dat doesnt mean i cld hang or swing my balls around yeah!). and most of the thgs for next week - i thg aku dah re-arranged, dah settled most of em. so - ermm.. do i or not come to work, next week? well, dats the question.

mengong - of coz la i do! heh.

i am looking forward for somethg big towards the end of the month. dah lama plan. and aku really, really looking forward for it. it means a lot, really (tho i know it wldnt, for some). tp, sadly enuf - i gotta back off, and cancel it out. how i wish aku cld do anythg at all - to make dis come true. tp tak pe lah - its not for my own sake sajer.. its for others, too. and aku faham. God sake - i hope i am doin the rite decision - for everybdy.

tho deep in me - its somethg else.

but i believe theres a 'hikmah' for every single thgs dat happen in life, insyaAllah.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


i think i've made a pack. its gonna hurt, alrite. but then - if dats the road i hav to follow, i shall then go wit the flow. i hav to bear wit the consequences. i've made a mistakes - and for the first time, i am OK wit the tot of - i shall accept wat ever it is.

Mr Gomez called me up at 7pm s'thg jst now - MAKNA A Meaning Of Life - Reaches Out Programme community service will running down in ere - in Ipoh for the first time, and its gonna be kinda grand dis weekend. he was asking me if i'd spare some time joining them to run the whole thang. its been a while since i last join MAKNA nyer programme. join em, to be around wit em, the patients and all - makes me feel so comfort, brave and givin me sort of spirit to walk on wit life. the suffer, the pain and such. damn i feel like at home.

it'd nice if i can go. but in the other hand - i am havin somethg planned which i've been waiting for it, for ages.

its Tuesday!

skipped lunch today. i din even hav my brunch like aku used to pun, today. i remember only had a big mug of Milo (euw!) and a various colors of pills and such - off aku went out to work. feel like kinda sleepy, yet it aint make any use pun when aku tried to close my eyes - it wont help pun. the fact is - i am havin all lobes of the brain - workin like shait. heh. penat la..

coupla stndts dtg lepak bilik aku durin lunch time tadik - sembang2 for they din go out for meals either. kinda nice to hav em around. the jokes, the gossips and such. they r the only thang - at time being - yg really makes me feel i am alive, havin my both feet on the ground.

reached home after the karaoke - final selection semlm, around 12.30am. aku totally knocked out - penat mental and fizikal. sampai rumah, pressed baju, mandi and solat - aku terus dozed off. by 5.30am - i had a nite mare, dragging myself off to bilik air mandi, solat and siap2 pi kerja.. i know theres nothg much in store for me today - kinda leisure - no classes no such; cuma aku need to make sure all yg aku dah re-scheduled dulu, worked out properly. so - i was there doin my clinical teachin kat Psyche Setting/Wards wit the stndts discussing on hallucination, delusion and a bit of MSE in general.

and by noon - aku dah settled. aku still hav coupla thgs bugging my head - i gez tak pe la.. its not like i am not doin my part. i worked hard for it. and may be i shld put a space in it - so dat everybdy can breath well, and do the thinkin and such. it hurts alrite. but i gotta think in better way - tryin so hard not to be a self-centered kinda bloke. its like que sera sera la kot - wat ever will be, will be. 'accept it as it is, and carry on wit life..', as someone told me. it hurts. really. but heh - do i hav any choices left, to choose?

and i gez - dats life.

2 days to go..

i am tryin to go on normally wit watever comes to me today - but deep down, i still feel numb. the guilty feeling, i want to turn thgs back like before - the laughter, the jokes and such - and every single thang. and i am tryin so hard - yet, i dun know.. or may be dis is nthg to do wit me - for everybdy had their own problems. ntah la.. i really hope thgs r gonna be jst fine. i am scared, i am worry. i used to take a 'couldnt careless' nyer attitude - but i aint anymore. and i think it is good for me..

i am looking forward for the weekend. i cant wait.

its been a while. really.

Monday, March 15, 2010


i aint sure how to deal wit it. when ppl trust u no more - in no matter wat u do, wat u say and such. and no matter u telling the truth - as if theres nothg left in for u to keep - yet the results r still the same.

am i dat bad? y cant ppl take me as wat i am now - and not for wat i've been thru before? y cant ppl take me and know me as wat i am and wat i am gonna be, where i am heading - rather than punishing me for wat i am, before?

dammit shait, i jst hate myself, for God sake.


Sunday, March 14, 2010


finally i am home - and trow - i gotta go to work as usual, theres coupla thgs in my to-do list i hav to get em all done before i leave the town for another trip, dis coming Friday. gotta change my catridge printer yg dah abes dakwat berbulan lamanyer, i gotta go the kedai jam down there in Tesco - 3 watches due to change the batteries, another one need to change the tali - gez it has to be send all the way there to KL la kot.. and dammit, definitely it'll take like 5 to 6 months, God sake. aku hav to finish up my coupla assignments left, marking paper budak2 neh and go around psyche ward for my clinical teaching - for nex week, heh - i dun think i am gonna hav time for all dat.

i tertido all the way back to Ipoh.. wit my mp3 stuffed up my ears, i wasnt dat lena pun.. jst listenin to the music makes me kinda high, up and down all over the places. and to my suprise - i remember doin dis most of the time for months now - aku used to 'skip' or 'forward', changing to another song when it comes to certain songs - not dat i hate em, i love em all God sake - but i gez, i cant stand listenin to it for it makes me havin dis sort of blood surged up my head, thus i will feel kinda hopleless for thgs it may brings. but lately - today, for God sake - i managed to listen to em all, jst like the way i am listening to others. its kinda weird, but i gez i am alrite wit it.. i dun know how to put it into words, but then again - i jst love the songs well, for wat they are. and for they used to mean a lot to me..

life is a journey. it aint a destination. and we r moving all the way thru it. thru bad, thru good. thick and thin. sometimes u may feel like the time stops, and u feel like theres no use of carry on - but as long as ur breathing, as long as ur havin urself, well.. life has to go on. be it, how its gonna be.

and i know how it feels. i know how it is. i jst thank God for wat i am havin now. for wat it brings to me.

and i wont go asking for more.

Saturday, March 13, 2010


I cant sleep. Theres so many thgs bugging my head. I am havin a mix feeling - i feel sad, i feel empty. I wanna spill out thgs in ere, but u knw it aint gonna be dat easy.. May be i shld lay down and shut my eyes - clear up my head wit the hope dat thgs wld be ok. Or may be i shld jst force my eyes then..

Friday, March 12, 2010


life is subjective. u know dat alrite. it aint a bed of roses,- all the time, for God sake. and definitely - it aint gonna be jst the way u want it to be - like most of the time. u mght be up in the sky, on the cloud nine at one time - yet t'row; ur wondering - 'wats wrong wit me' kinda thang when u know dat there's shait all over u - and to make thgs worst, u dun even hav a freakin clue wat to do.. *sigh*. nah. to tell u the truth - i dun know a thang about 'wat life is'. and i wont go givin sort of a fcukin definition for it, yeah. i mght be able to make the stdnts havin a dropped-jaw talking about wat life is - yet the fact is - u know wat i mean.. i am so hopeless. useless. and i bet u can see the questions r all over the places, in ere.

sometimes in life, u mght be stumbled - u do mistakes alrite, and u gotta learn wit it well. u gotta deal wit it, damn pretty well, too. for if u keep on doin the same thang - ur a plain moron, for sure. and i am sayin it as sort of 'ingatan' for my ownself. i know i did mistakes before. i know i did. and i am learning well. i am learning to improve myself for betterment. i am learning still, so i wont go hurting anyone at all - let alone hurting my own self.

but sometimes - thgs gettin in ur way, and turn everythg, upside down. dun get me wrong - i aint like want to pin-point someone else in ere. its my own mistakes. it is solely mine. i believe dat - wat ever i want, wat ever i do - it'd contribute consequences near future. and i am a totally jerk, when it comes to dis.

u know it aint ur mistake. and u cldnt careless at the first place. for it aint ur fault. y u shld be bothered? but it was like outta ur hand. and when it effected u damn pretty much, and it is too - effected ppl around u, ppl dat u love and such - u started to look around and thinkin - wat did i do? wat do i hav to do? its like - u knew u did some sort of mistakes before; and God sake u regret it like freakin hell, and ur workin so hard to make thgs well - but it goes like..

may be dis is the way it meant to be, for me. no matter how good thgs u do, ur wont be able still to 'cover up' all shait u've done before. and ur gonna like walkin on, carryin bag of shait at the back of u - all the time. for the rest of ur life. and u know its torturing u, damn alrite.

i admit i did mistakes. and i'll face dis as it is - for i believe wat ever God brings me, wat ever God sends me into dis life of mine - it is good for me then.

and i shldnt go complaining about a shait.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


I had my mind set dat i wanna hit the gym tnite, after Maghrib. But now, the wireman yg nak buat wiring at my new place tu nak pi tgk rmh dulu, so dat he 'cld see wat to add and wats not, the points and such'. Argkh! Malas la. Nape la ptg2 ni baru nak ckp? Heh. Erm, flexible. I gotta flexible in dealing wit my own thinkin and in doin thgs; or else - stress. So many thgs to be done. Nak deal wit contractors la, cat lain and such. Heh. I wont be buying anther house anymore. Erm, kalo nak pun - beli siap2 yg tak pyh nak do any major renovation. Penat lah! Esk sah2 la tak bley gym-ing dah.. Aiyoo, fail la mggu neh. Dua kali je pi gym. Heh.


despite aku rasa a bit penat and easily tired - aku've been thru kinda hectic day, today. masuk keje at 7am - aku dah started workin. damn - aku really 'do work' today, God sake. i mean - not much of other unnecessary thgs, alrite. heh. its not like all the other day aku tak keje la.. tp tak la se-busy mcm neh. by 7am - aku managed to settle up coupla thgs and by 8 to 10am, Pengarah ajak ber-diskusi la, Hafiz plak sibuk ajak minum for he 'needs to talk to me' on coupla thgs - his personal thang, alrite. and 10.30 am rite till like 11.45am - aku ada tutorial plak.. heh. nothg much - i wasnt dat structured - so aku diskus regarding their up coming soon-to-pass-up assignment. by the time aku tinggal je lecture hall - and dats the hell time, alrite. they started to flock into my room for more explanation and such.. at 2pm, aku hav like 5 stdnts in-line seeing me regarding their HSR. and goin thru one by one, like - heh, i need some extra air, God sake.

aku received sort of confirmation letter - i gotta be there in INTAN Bukit Kiara for a course on Pembangunan Sumber Manusia Menerusi Kaunseling dis coming 5 - 9 April. phewww! finally. official break-away out from dis office, hell yeah! yayyy!!

theres a msg in the inbox over my FB - making me smiling from ear to another. it sounds like dis -

"hey shah got a confession to make. i am one hell of a silent reader of ur blog tp x pernah comment and i find ur writing is full of black humor kind of written by some bro in t Bronx tp intersperse with m'sian twang n humor bley? keep updating n i do thoroughly enjoy reading ur writes.."

i dun know wat to say. and i gez i need not to say anythg at all. and i am jst glad! thanks..

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


I feel like darkness arnd me. I wanna talk to s'one about it, but then i dun knw how and where to start. Wat to tell. Or perhaps they'll get a wrong pic about the whole thang. I dun knw wat else to tell, who else to say a word or two. Its solely my mistake, tho. I need no sympathy, i mght jst need some reassurance. Some support. I feel weak. For the first time like after months, thgs r getting worst. I gez i shld then console myslf, well.. Gnite then.

stupidity around u!

i am having a headache today - so many thgs to be done, yet i had a ciput kinda time in hand. shut up - i know wat it is. its Time Management, arse-owl. i was supposed done wit the pemurnian soalan for formatif/sumatif yg started since smlm - but then, tiber2 Mr Zul called me up to assist coupla thgs 'yg sepatutnya dah siap, yet it did not' kinda thang. f*uk! and like - eh, aku tadak keje lain ke? and so thg goes into the drain, berpinau2 bijik mata aku tgk screen lappy like aku wanna puke out rite on the screen alrite so dat Mr Zul wld like 'ok Shah, ko tak sihat.. sile balik bilik dan rehat kat bilik yerrr..' kinda thang. heh. in my bloody freakin dream!

and aku kept on receiving dis bloody shait kinda msges - aku not sure who it is, God sake i dun who it, whose number it is. the first msg was like 'u look kinda nice guy physically dat i'd like to know u better' hell yeah. i asked - who is dis, where do u get the number and such.. but to no answer. and the msges keep on coming in - and i started to bug me like fuckin shait. after a while - aku ended up sendin a msg to tell quit playin games for i aint interested in one, and if its goin on like dat - dat wld be my last msg.. and i did keep my word well, yet the msges keep on coming in. adoiii.. wat kinda sick in mind is dis? wat kinda stupidity, God sake is dis? pervert? up till now - i still receive msges from the same number - yang aku rasa tak perlu la kot aku reveal wat it is - and aku ignore je each msges wit the tot of - damn, the sender wld be tired soon.

wat la..

Tuesday, March 9, 2010


Selasa nyer citer..

start my day wit goin thru all dis memos, surat2 yg ntah mana2 dtg, 2 new mags, bills (of course) and few stdnt's nyer asgments yg sama2 gigih memenuhkan aku nyer pigeon hole tu. nyaris la it sticks well to the wall, kalo tak sah2 la berhambur ke lantai. heh. bill bill bill (tetiber rasa mcm Destiny Child plak.. ermm). Mr Bong walked around the rooms, calling for another meeting - dis time around meeting pemurnian soalan formatif/sumatif and nama aku sah2 la ada situ.. heh. all those Psychology/Sociology and Psychopathology - Nursing/Community/Medical. so - i was like in the meeting room wit all the bishops - betulkan, rejecting and rearrange the whole thang. alhamdulillah - soalan aku ok2 je.. sket2 je ere and there.. tp, Hafiz and KF's kena reject mentah2. heh. and siap kena sindir2 dpn lecturer lain plak.. aiyooo

and aku started the day wit kinda mixed feeling - aku received dis bad news - one of member aku waktu basic medicine dulu; commit suicide - he took dis Paraquat 100ml, off into a coma and meninggal dunia last Saturday. aku was like terkejut giler.. its Mageswaran. he's a nice guy, chaotic, easy going and love to crack jokes and such. 100ml Paraquat? God Lord - a tea-spoon pun dah enuf to kill u - slow wit deep pain of course. and dis is like 100ml! masyaAllah. and Ruzi - my fellow colleague (her hubby past away like a month back) called me; crying her hear out for she was like so serabut and needed to talk to someone. and dat was the first time ever - i talked to her. all dis while she was jst msg me thru the mobile. i feel bad - i wanna do more, definitely. i dun know how it feels, but i know how bad it is - the kids keep on asking 'ma, mana abh' kinda thang - no matter how strong gal ur; deep down - Ya Allah, Tuhan je yg tau.. so i was jst do the listening, let her cry out, console her a bit ere and there till she stopped crying and said 'thank God, i talked to u' kinda thang. i feel like crying too - for i wish i know how the pain is like..

heh. i'll be leaving the building soon - gym at 3pm. and mlm ni, insyaAllah - aku cdg nak pi tgk ayah Ajak yg still kat ICU wit his MVA wit SAH.

damn - dis Alicia Keys is killing me! i am having her singing in my head - eversince semlm lagik. so slruuppppp-icously sexy. heh.

Sedim, Kulim, Kedah.

i wanted to post these above pics long time ago - its been weeks now, i know. but - biasa lah. i wasnt dat bz, yet kdg2 mls. dats the thg. but i finally did dis. heh. abes citer. and i dun think i'd go and put captions individually - mls la.. so many of it. hope u'll love the pics all rite - as much as i do. dis was my private, family thang - which i really enjoyed myself up to the max. it was a bit susah nak kumpul all family together for some outting - masing2 bz. ni pu Kak Yang and family was not around - for they r still out there in Leeds. so Kak Yang - dun eat heart, eh. we'll hav another grand one, insyaAllah - bila Yang balik sini, eh!

heh. darn i feel like today is Monday!