nothg seems to be OK for me, lately. i ended up 2009 wit nothg was rite - not all dat went wrong - but too bad it din turn up like i expected it to be.. and entered 2010 wit a mixed feeling. i had so many thgs running up there in my head - marching up and down, left me wondering wat is rite and wat is wrong. i made up coupla wrong decisions, i ended up hating myself like piece of shait. i dun know. there must be somethg better than dis. i mean - i am better than all dis, God sake.
in ISC ptg tadi - i was pretty sad. i aint surprised. i gez - nthg really surprised me, any more. ppl around me, news dat came up to me and so much more. i used to hate surprises. but lately - i dun really giv it a shait. i hardly take any surprises pun. but lately, again - i am kinda use to it. ppl r jst like dat. and no news, is a good news. so be it.
i am tryin to look thgs in a better way. there must be a 'hikmah' for all dis. the health. the thgs in life. the ups and downs. everythg. sometime - in life, we r wishin for so many thgs.. we pray so hard for it, we work so hard for it, hoping thgs wld turn out to be jst the way it is.. the way we want it to be. but yeah - then again, its all in God's hand. to be or not to be - yeah, its us. but then - semua ni kerja Allah Taala. i realized dat theres no use to look back. theres no use to grief like a pathetic loser. i deserve better. and i realized - heh, i remember dis rule #32 - enjoy all the liltle thgs, in life. i am still breathing. i can still survive every single day, in it. in life, dat is. i mght stop and cry - now and then - but then again, at least i know how it feels. and at least dat makes me a human being.
i wish i cld be stronger. a bit more than wat i am now.