Friday, January 30, 2009

nothg-to-say alrite.




i nvr tot i'd ever reach dis point, but today - i feel as if i hav nothg left to say. rite now - other than dis 'nothg-to-say' thang, there is really nthg i wish to share, comment on, or discuss. there is nthg goin on dat makes me wanna tlak non-stop, and nothg so extraordinary dat i am overly excited about - trust me. thgs r good - far as i concern. nthg's wrong. its not too boring or dull either. its jst dat i dun feel like talkin at time bein. i think dis is bcoz i havent met any new ppl recently, and hav no pretty much nthg new to say to the ones i alrdy know well. sure i can say trow - as a new day - is kinda scaring me, but again - its nthg new. not like i never been thru it well before. i can probably say dinner was good tnite, but trust me - its always been equally good yeah. i worked and studied and got back home - but i dun think any of dat makes a difference to my existence.



i was afraid dat some time in the future - a day wld come when i wld stop wanting to write on dis silly billy kinda blog. tho i know - for the last few days, it doesnt seems like it. while there r times when i wld love to be able to write a blog entry on the spot (like when ur feelin grateful for be able to wake up breathin well, or jst when i am done wit my futsal wit the guys), i honestly dun think i feel any excitement at writin a blog when i dun really hav nthg to say in particular (let alone i dun hav any beautiful pics to squeeze in!), other than to recite my day's itinerary. i love updating my blog for i love to write, i need to ventilate my feelin to the right channel - not jst becoz i like receiving feedback from lots of ppl - yeah dammit - i mean, from a few ppl, yeah.. (like ppl really do care, eh) - but bcsly bcoz i like talkin about thgs. rite now - out of sudden - i feel like i've said enuff in life. its time for me to shut. too much talk and blabber is not good for anyone, anyways.



interestingly, none of dis is havin any effect on my mood, studies, work or anythg. i am doin thgs the same way i always did, except w/o tryin to start conversations wit random unknown ppl, and w/o tryin to keep speakin non-stop all the time. probably its good - may be its bad. frankly - i'd jst stop right ere and hit my crib. i am not sure if i am goin to udate dis blog again - trow. jst dun hold ur breath waiting for the update - again, like u care. it cld be as soon as next 5minutes or who knows - never ever again? (which is pretty unlikely). damn jst dat dis mght be my last blog ever.. makes me all nostalgic of when i started dis - last yr..



pretty strange, i know. dun make faces as if i am like dis since i am gonna get 'old' in 3hrs to come. i mean - not 'old', 'wiser' it is. or may be.. heh - possiblities. like is so full of possibilities.



oh well, gnite world! and Shahe - Happy 35th Bird-Day, in advance..



*sigh*



Langkawi? *puke*






got a fax from Bahagian Pengurusan Latihan KKM - aku gotta go for dis Achieving Goals - Psychological Approach at City Bayview Hotel in Langkawi.. startin 11 up to 13 Feb. huargkhh.. Langkawi? y Langkawi? wat am i gonna do there? better off being a dead meat.




*shait*






a lobotomy.


last nite - i had a bad one last nite. it was excruciating. i am tryin to steel myself for tonite - for watever reason it is. it wasnt so bad before, but - for watever reason it may be - it is now.


hav u ever felt dat way anyway? hav u ever felt the entire weight of ur consciousness turn into and upon itself? its crushin, and its debilitating.


i aint sure if u ever understand wat i am tryin to say in ere - neither do i. sorry - for i aint got beautiful pics to put up in ere - in to dis post, anyway.


btw - theres nothg i can do about it, xcpt wait it out.


time - they say; heals all wounds. yeah rite. i say - wtf. time is panacea for all ills such as these, such as mine.



i need a distraction. i need something someone to make me forget.



i need a lobotomy.



and i need a hole in my head. may be.



i disgust even myself, sometimes. these times. yeah.




heh.






a pre-Bird-Day thiggy..





nah - it aint as yet. it'd be tomorrow indeed. i started to received coupla emails, SMSes and such wishin me the so-called Happy Birthday. and i received too, 2 SMSes askin me - when is the exact date. heh.



i am gonna get 'old' stratin trow. laugh out loud if u need too - as if i am goin to giv it a flyin fcuk. heh. i dun think 'old' wld be perfect enuff for the man who will be turnin 35yo. can u ppl be a bit nicer, perhaps - i wanna use the word 'wiser'. 'wiser' wld be good enuff. 'wiser' in so many ways - i mean.




dis time around - i dun really anticipate the d-day like i used to. i gez it is just like all the ordinary days. i dun mean to be rude, dun get me wrong. it is so nice, so good for u out there (whos dis may concern) for sendin me SMSes, emails and greetings wishin me Happy Bird-Day yeah. i am overwhelm hell yeah.. but to think it over again.. i dunno. but then again - i shall take dis as it is. i wont be goin around wit my face pull down to the ground on my b-day. after all - age is jst a number (yeah). rite? rite?? yeah - rite.. *sigh*



i dun feel like to hav anythg to wish for dis b-day.. except for a healthy life, a good life, a great family and such.. but iPod wld be nice too. a jersey yeah.. HTC mobile phone. and wat else? (tiber2).. haha



to kak yang (along nak jersey!! ori., eh!! bley?), John of FB - thanks for the early wishes. Akbar too - heh, the b-day is trow lar.. hehe.. (thanks anyway!). and yeah - coupla u ppl out there too - thanks.




Thursday, January 29, 2009

faces







































faces - they can tell u a lot more than u ever think of. they can tell u things w/o sayin a word. they can light up ur life when ur down. they can even turn ur world upside down when u dun even ask for it. u need not to hav the whole world's of words to describe how ur feel - when u can show it on yr face well. the sadness. confusion. happiness. anger. hatred. and so much more.






watdya think?






Wednesday, January 28, 2009

long-break.

a long leave - in Taiping now. shall be leavin back for Ipoh by trow afternoon. rasa malas sgt.. wat to do - gotta work for life. havin a nice break - wit family n such - tho i cant be online; but i cldnt careless.. ok wat! life's more than dat i believe.


theres so many thgs happenin around me lately - wish i cld put em all down in ere, but i think i'll be doin it when i am back in Ipoh.

u too outhere - hav a gr8 break, eh!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

loneliness..






















Sabtu nyer ceritera..







finally i am home - after more than a day out of the house. out of the house at 1am - shuttle at 2.30am, aku arrived there around 5.30am.. lpk2 sekejap - waited for komuter at 6.30am - aku terus head to where i shld be, sampai je terus sarap, get a cab and there goes my whole day.. i think they shldnt be doin dis - jadual berterabur, so like mcm tak mesra-pelanggan. dah la aku stay jauh, its not like aku bley travel Ipoh-Taiping in a glimpse of eyes sajork.. i know i can drive down there - tp musim2 festive ni - baik le jgn.. and dammit - thank God, since i wasnt.




done at 3.30pm - i gotta cancel my initial plan. kinda sad - but i gotta thru it well. its kinda close - yet damn fcukin far. aku gotta rush str8 for the bus stop - then changed it from the usual one to dis yg jauh - no public transportation can reach - amek cab - sia2 je kena 'jual'.. be it lah! asal aku sampai. bus at 6.30pm - aku managed to bodek brader bus tu to 'selit' masuk bus at 5.30pm.. and the road was like.. fcuk! there was jam everywhere - be it in the hi-way or the by-way. hi-way slow sgt, the trip took me about 4hrs plus to reach back ere in Ipoh. heh!




reached home at 9.30pm. so damn hard to find a cab pun. yg ada pun demand nak lbey2 byr.. or paling teruk - ckp jalan jam! bley? geram aku siot. sampai je rumah - the first thang yg aku buat was - mandi! by the time the shower touched my bald head - my God - Tuhan je tau the feeling.. and now - aku mcm penat sgt, ngantuk n nak landing je jap lagik.




think i shld be settling now. esok aku nak drive jauh - for the so-called break is about to begin.. lama dah tak balik kg. to Kelantan first - then back to Taiping.




if i am not ere after dis - take dis from me.. HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!! for KC, Kieran, Ray, Chris Ling and all my lovely Chinese fren.. may dis year brings u a lot more, indeed.





Friday, January 23, 2009

i had forgotten..







..but now i remember wat it feels like. only i dun think its ever been quite like dis before.





and i am glad!





excerpted.







in an email i received dis morning;

i dun know if you know this or not
but ur bday is end of month..
- so wats the mess?




in a FaceBook chat conversation i had jst now;

i like your style
i like your class
but best of all
i like your ****
;-P




and how i ended up an email i jst sent coupla minutes back;

bla bla bla yada yada yada..
just ignore this email
i din say anything
- and dis never happened.





*heh*





dammit - i hate u!






u fuckin bastard. u need to die. at the very least u need to simply drop dead and cease to exist. at the most u need to suffer the most excruciatingly painful death imaginable over and over again for eternity.



i hate u. and u know it alrite.



i wish i had arrived 10 minutes earlier. and i wld hav run u over - with my car.





*heh*





Thursday, January 22, 2009

fanta-ATB-ulous.







i bought dis cd - ATB The DJ 4 In The Mix compilation last time i was in Permaisuri. it is nice. damn fcukin nice. i used to listen to ATB (during my younger yrs) a lot, a real lot. and stumbled into his new compilation was like - heh, a dream come true. it was supposed to be a 2 cds compilation - but.. yeah rite - dis is the 'cetak rompak' one.. watdya expect? u want em to sell u both cds in one plastic cover? not a go, i think. i got the 1st cd now - gotta go looking for the 2nd one! its a real must.






justify..







at a time
in situations -
when u want a thg more than u shld


u wld fall
u wld crumble
by pickin up pieces from the storm


dat was when u said - u least xpct it
dat was when u asked - how did we get dis far?
so far.


dat was when i wanted
to correct it
but i guess - there's nothg wrong wit being wrong
at all.


and i cant do it any other way
- i'd do it all the same way
and i wont justify
one more time.


and its fine
to complicate it
complicated is all i've ever known


but now when i guess - i least xpct it
but i will never ask
how did we get dis far - my God.


even if i doubt for just a second
i can still find the right in being wrong
- so wrong


sunrise





i never feel more lonely than i do at sunrise. i dun know wat it is all about watchin the sky slowly turnin from black to blue - tho i know i've been seein it for like thousand times in life now, yet i cldve been bother about it - and seeing the sunlite break thru the car window as i drive off to the office, into the bright glare from the East - dat makes me so acutely aware and painfully conscious of my state of alone-ness.



although, if i really thought about it - nites r no better.



Thursday morn..






woke up coupla times in the mid of the nite - i had bad nitemares. washed my face, my feet alrite - i am not sure y i had kinda thang. its been a while since i last had one - woke up at the mid of the nite, sweatin n gaspin for air - not rememberin wat kinda dreams ur havin - but then ur too sure ur havin a bad one. *sigh*. it left me restless for the rest of the nite - i cant sleep after dat. and dis mornin - i am a bit groggy, dizzy and such.

got a call early in the morn jst now - from one of my doc fren - wanted me to come down to her clinic to discuss thgs.. heh - i know wat it is. its the same old lame thang. its where all dis doc wld be sayin.. 'i am afraid theres sort of SOL in there..', 'i cant confirm wat is dat as yet..', 'we need to run more investigations..' or worst enuff when they'll like 'erm, pelik jugak kan..' and ended up turnin me into another 'tikus makmal'. and i hate if, shait yeah. i aint sure of goin. got classes to run today. and it'd be another hectic day, too.

its a nice, gloomy Thursday mornin. i bet it'd be a great one. its not like everyday u hav dis kinda feelin - as if u really appreciate dat ur still breathin and manage to go around - appreciating life, well.





Wednesday, January 21, 2009

nite.


i feel so damn tired today. its not only today - but its been a while. the headache is killin me. and today - i've been vomitin plus havin a bad nausea every now and then. i must say dat today is the worst - i've been havin the same symptoms for months now - and it aint gettin better.. been travellin from one doc to another.. and i am pretty tired wit the whole shait.




gonna hit the crib soon. see u ppl, trow morn.




myth, of me.





few ppl read dis-my-non-sense blog and i am thankful for dat. it aint awesome like others r, alrite. but i know theres ppl out there dat read it wit more than a few misconceptions in their head. theres not much i can do tho, to make ppl see the reality - xcpt - i gez, explicity write it out as one last attempt. lets giv it a shoot -



5 Myths about Shahe's Life;



  • ur jst too lucky - no i am freakin not. i've actually pretty unlucky in the last year or so. even startin up the new year - dammit, kinda sucks too alrite. i had ruptured condyloid ligaments once, havin a persistent headache wit nausea and vomittin every now and then (and yet the doc cldnt rule out anythg at all) up till now. trust me, it sucks big time to be me. u jst dun hear me whine about it much anymore.

  • u exaggerate (a lot) - coming from the other end of the spectrum r ppl dat think i make up stuff or turn a mole into a supermodel wit freakin laser beams on its freakin head. well its up to. i know i din put much pictures in ere as a prove. anythg beyond dat - again; u hav a choice to believe my words or not. sometimes i dun want ppl to know why/when/if i do thgs. i dun lie, God sake. i jst dun mention it. call it selective if u want to - but dis bein a very public blog - there r thgs i rather not write in ere. giv me a call if u think theres more to a story and want more details. i'll probably spend 3 hrs whining to u - esp. if ur payin for the phone call.

  • u've changed/lost-ur-mind/become-selfish - one-sided criticisms. u read smthg on dis blog n u decide Shahe is now a useless crap. u read smthg else and u decide Shahe is no longer cares about the honest, simple, hard-workin indigenous ppl of wherever.. wat can i say to dat? u've made up ur mind to judge who i am on the words i consciously choose to write on ere. i am well aware of wat i am writin and how ppl can take it (or otherwise i wldnt get any sarcastic remarks as comments - which was definitely not a go in ere!). if its smthg i dun want ppl to read n judge - i wont write it. big deal then. i am a human wit desires, xpctations and imperfections jst like everyone else - incldg YOU.

  • ur amazing/perfect/gr8/smart - praise, most of it puttin me up high on pedestal as if i am some kinda larger-than-life symbol of hope, adventurous and gravitas combined into one hot-looking package of goodness. of coz - i love praise and the kind words. but come one - i am a human. i screw up thgs - small and big. i win and lose. ppl r ppl. and i am the most pplest of all ppl.. i think. so dun epct me to be some sort of beacon of righteousness or emblem of goodwill.

  • ur hiding the real u - owh, awesome! dis is by far the most troublin response i get and is especially worrisome when the person knows me in real life. as mentioned above - i sometimes hide stories/news about me dat i dun want everyone to know. plus do u really wanna read about all the disgustin nightmare, fetish i am havin? owh, God forbid. however - dat doesnt mean i am pretendin to be someone else all the time. i know at least one person dat thinks i am actually a sad lil puppy and i am playin opposite-day everyday on dis blog. sometimes - Shahe is Shahe! while every person has their skeleton-in-the-closet issues, dat doesnt mean they r bein pretentious all the time. i am like dis in person when u meet me (probably a lil more dorky but less serious). i am wat i am. and i like it dat way!





and there u go..







'i quit' thang.

as expected, i got an appointment wit a stdt - a gal, it is - for a bit of counseling jst now. its regardin her study effected by her social life - her breakups wit her bf - again and again, her family and such. i remember she said she cannot tolerate a thang anymore of wat she went thru her relationships all dis while and how she din hav anyone she cld talk to - even her close next-of kin. her ups and downs in her relationships screwed her up alrite - she hardly concentrate in classes, withdrawing herself from her whole bunch of close frens. i see it clearly, and i wanted to help. but shes kinda gal whom not really open up to stranger - until last coupla days, she sent me msges dat she really need to see me and talk. she looks so labile, vulnerable. and i was so suprise when she already had a mind-set; of wat she thinks alrite and wat she's about, to do next. and all she needs is a bit of reassurance. a moral support. after an hr session of talkin, listenin, seein her cryin and such - she walked out the room wit kinda smile, a bit of glowin her eyes - which i din see it like before in her. i was like sit aback, take a deep breath - and my mind starts wonder around.



i love it when a miserable situation comes to an end. if thgs r not goin well, despite everythg u try - there is no shame in sayin goodbye amicably and movin on - jst like wat she wanted to do. almost everyone i knw hates the idea n dreads the uncomfortable feelin of the final, awkward farewell. be it yr job, r/ship, or academic career - if ur absolutely certain dat thgs will not change for betterment - i'll always be the first person to tell u to quit. i'll also tell u repeatedly not to burn bridges on ur way out.


i believe quittin is not for losers. quittin is for those who r pragmatic enuf to realize dat it is ridiculous to be in a situation where u hav no control and hav no way to improve ur conditions. it is a show of strength to terminate successfully, not a sign of weakness. quittin amicably is a sign of wisdom and prudence. hurting the other person shld not be the ultimate goal when culminating a sombre saga - i gez. but then - walkin away unscathed so dat u can move on to bigger, better, happier thgs - is dat quittin is all about.


nbdy says giv up at the first, second or even the nineteenth hurdle u stumble upon. everythg worth doin takes a lot of work from all the persons involved. however - however, at some point - u'll know dat u've reached ur limit. stayin in the situation any longer - means ur losing ur chance to try somethg else. the opportunity cost of being stuck in a rut is incomprehensible until u realize dat u consciously chose not to take some simple actions - like pickin up the phone or writin a short notes, and instead left urself be subjected to continued stress, turmoil and gradual demise of hope.


i certainly believe - dat major changes in life - take time, and planning. not everyone can deal wit abrupt changes or let go of ppl and places they once loved dearly. but we gotta get the ball rollin. i genuinely admire a person who gives her/his very best to make thgs work - but is not afraid to walk away if the situation hopeless. there r some thgs u can change wit persistence and diligence - but then again; there r some u cannot. stayin in an abusive relationship - for example - is worse than the worst breakup. working for manager who contemptuously derides u despite ur best efforts is worse than the worst resignations. 'I Quit' - for me - is the most powerful two-word phrase u can utter when someone is ruthlessly abusing ur selflessness.


and wat i am really sayin in ere is dat - i din mean to hav all the students break-up wit their significant others, dump their love ones so dat they wld concentrate better. no i am not. but all dat i mean is - once in a while, its OK for us to quit thgs well. and the rest of it - u know wat i mean. for the gal - i believe she'll be ok. tho i kept on tellin her to back-off for a while from makin a wrong decision - dat we r not supposed to come up wit any decision while we r 'serabut'; but she said she's been thinkin about it for so long. and dats wat she's gonna do, now. i wish her the best. and i told her to come back in see me in 2 wks time - if she needs to. i really, really hope she knows wat she's doin. the consequences and such.



and yeah - may be i shld too, over some thgs in my own life, huh?





..






cant really sleep last nite. after tossin around, up and down - aku decided to spent time in the study room - doin some readin - somethg yg aku dah lama sgt tak buat, lately - ever since aku've occupied wit so many thgs. aku did some prep for classes today too - apperently i am havin 4hrs of classes on new topics; gotta brush up my mind wit facts and new points, definitely.




theres so many thgs lingered around in my head - even now. i wanted to spill em all out in ere, but i dun think it wld be a good idea. it aint, anymore. no - i aint scared. i aint chicken out shit. i know my standin ground. and i am goin to stand my stance well. nay - i aint gonna be a selfish brat, hell no. jst dat - i will be doin wat i am suppose to be doin. and if i needed to stay away - i gez dats wat i am gonna do, too. it doesnt mean dat i am scared - jst dat i wanna keep thgs the way it is before - as it is. period.




i remember thinkin about coupla words over some conversations over the phone wit a fren of mine last nite - i mght needed to hold on to two thang; shut-the-fuck-up and stay-out-of-it damn well. and i will go wit the flow alrite.





gotta run. gonna be hectic day, today. i'll see u around.


Tuesday, January 20, 2009

..





tonite itself, lot of thgs happened. i was kinda shocked. but i know i am gonna be alrite.. dis cld be the price i hav to pay.





nite.



huargkhhh!




aku jarang2 sekali delete msg2 yg really mean to me in the phone inbox-folder. kalo aku delete pun - those yg mmg crap or those yg kinda nice dat i'll keep em for coupla days, jemu - terus delete buang.


..



but i've been keepin one special folder for all thses msges i received from someone who really 'wooooo..' to me. and i've been keepin em all for about months now. and last coupla days - after thru all the hectic days, aku tak sempat sgt nak belek hp aku - so aku jst kept all the msges as it is, hoping dat one day aku'll sort em all out n send it to the special allocated folder. and dats wat i did jst now..



..



and u gez wat?


..



aku tertekan 'DELETE' dammit!! huargkhhh.. walhal all those msges for the past coupla days were the most like - meaningful to me, shait!!





huwaaa..





pre-birthday celeb., PapaRich Permaisuri

while i was in KL last week (precise on last 17 Jan 09 nite) - i was asked to join a dinner held by HSBC (as Jit said - High Social Boys Club; somethg like dat) at PapaRich Bandar Permaisuri - supposedly to welcome Jay dat came in ere for a break and a bit of small celeb for Marcus's bday in advance.. i jst giv it a shoot - went there wit Dr Shah, Jit and Agus for we aint got nothg much to do at dat particular nite. first i was thinkin it'd be a small gatherin makan2 wit old frens n such - but it was not! it turned out to be quite a massive one - wit around more than 15ppls turned up.. familiar faces and some of em - kinda new to me. and gez wat - for first in life, after a very long time - i had a suprise. they r havin dis also for me - my upcomin bday dis end of the month (since i was in town, they decided to hav it together wit Marcus's). i was kinda 'hilang gaya' for a while.. kena tiup lilin etc. thank God - there was no like pink tiara (jst like Wahaza's) where he was 'kena paksa' put it on all the way! hahaha.. it was fun. a real damn fun. totally major.



Faisal, Kieran & Syed - thanks for the Crocs n cute bear. Wahaza - i am using the pouch now! to Jit and Dr Shah - i jst love the bag so much! i am walkin to gym wit a bit of 'gaya' now wit the back sling across my shoulder.. hehe.. Jiro and Ray - yr cookies rocks! i love every bits of em. and for all the other frens - i love u guys. i mght be kinda new, knowin u ppl - but dat wldnt be a big deal, rite? thanks for the time. thanks for the lovely nite, laughter u ppl brought me. i did enjoy the whole thang, the whole company, the whole second - definitely.



i do hope u ppl enjoy the pics. sorry - i know i shldve sort em all well, but i upload je the pics goes haywired. mencik. apa-apa lar..








Marcus and me doin the potong kek - together gether..






me and Kieran.






me wit Crocs - ihsan Mr faisal, Syed and Kieran. and the bear, too!







Marcus and his bear - obviously, bigger than mine. heh - he's huge too, deserve one like dat i think.







me and Marcus - obviously 'hilang gaya'. Kieran wit the cake.







Kieran and Nan wit the cake - fucktastic taste, it is!







half of the gang - Dr Hamdi, Neal, Wahaza, Nizam Arop, Jay, Faisal, Syed and Jit aka Beruang Madu







another half of the gang - heh, ramai sgt nak tag sorang2.







Wahaza wit his Roti Boy fake-breast. huhu







Wahaza, Dr Hamdi (coverin up his face - katernyer..), me, Dr Shah and Beruang Madu







Faisal, me and Syed.







Dr Shah, Chris Ling and me.







malu uols! bley? Dr Hamdi and me.







tgn Dr Hamdi, me and Dr Shah.







..and finally - the rest of the group.






thanks, again. i shall remember dis - all the way, indeed. u ppl rocks. yeah!







Monday, January 19, 2009

a week full of thgs..


its been a long week for me - last week. a week of fun, and much more. a week full of dramas, too. a week full of anger, frustration all in one. i am not sure how to describe it well, but basically - dats wat i think. i had fun wit all frens around me - the laughter and such, but then a part of it is drifted me away from the reality. i aint sure of how to put it down into words alrite - but i gez dats the way it is. i hate makin ppl suffer becoz of me. i hate makin ppl go judgin about things too. i wanna hav frens alrite - i cant live life wit em all. but sometimes - theres a price to pay for all dis.




i'll upload pics soon - the pre-bday celebration (in advance for me and Marcus - i was shocked) and pics from Pangkor get-away.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dynasty? *puke*

its been like nearly a week aku kat KL neh - in work wise.. it is kinda sucks big time. they called it as a 'mesyuarat', the truth is - hell no! we r ere for somekinda experimenting a new software dat needed to be use by the time we r back to the office. and i still cant believe, out of like so many lecturers back there in our office - nama aku jugak yg naik. sickenin, it is. but other than work - KL is kinda nice for me. managed to catch 'Bedtime Stories' wit BM and Shah, 'Yes! Man' semlm and a dinner wit Faisal hell yeah. and Amed was like kinda pissed of since aku asyek tinggal dia sajork.. aku was like HELLO! ajak pi kolam renang tak nak, ajak cari CC tak nak.. so pe lagik? nak ajak pi siram pokok bunga kah? heh.
frankly speakin - aku nyesal stay kat Dynasty neh. beside aku ada 'history' yg mmg aku tak mo ingat wit dis hotel yrs back - theres nothg yg bley aku put my thumbs up about dis hotel. it is spooky, creepy. no internet line, too. and yeah - no iron board send to yr room. aku nyaris nak sesat kat tgkt 21 searchin for iron room! dammit.
trow will be the last day aku in ere kat KL. will be in Pangkor after dis. for a break yeah.. not really a break tho. but its ok. i shall take it as a bloody break. yayy!
i wll be attendin a gatherin at PappaRich Permaisuri - they r havin it for Marcus's bday in advance. kinda nice when ur havin frens who remember yr bday date and celebrate it well. i miss dat one really. i cant remember when was the last time i celebrate mine anyway. and yeah - let alone gettin gifts and all dat. heh. gez i am gettin old. need not to think of all dat aye?
really? *sigh*

Sunday, January 11, 2009

YKWYA rocks!!




i am goin to hit the crib now - damn tired. i was in KL dis morn., now in Ipoh and shall be back in KL by early trow morn. - for the whole 12 up to 16 Jan. and finally in Pangkor on 17 & 18 Jan before off back to Ipoh. damn. i know its tirin hell yeah - but i am tryin to tune my head alrite.



got few pics to upload - dinner in Kuala Selangor wit the whole YKWYA gang (Beruang Madu dragged me in to it).. i was shy initially. but towards the end - it rocks hell yeah! i had a great time. the food. the company they provided me. the laugh. gossips. the joy and all. thanks to Abg Bear aka Beruang Madu for takin me in (tho plainly enuff - i was not even one of the member yeah!). i wanted to upload all the pics - but the line was so fucked up dat i aint gonna waste my 2 cents sittin wit posture infront of dis lappy, waitin those pics to be uploaded. heh.


i'll updatin dis - if i got time. if i got the chance there in KL. i am bringin the lappy yeah - but the internet line je la.. heh.


nitey nite, ppl!





..

I am in a position of nowhere. I was cnfused. I was sad. I am tear in between. I love it so much dat i started to thk of turnin thgs bck to the way it is. Leave it so nbdy will cnfused. Sad. May be i shld bck off - tho i knw i cant be doin dat for i am a lame, weak at heart.


I jst wish i knw wat to do.

Friday, January 9, 2009

KL thang - again!







aku pissed of sgt ari neh - dah la meeting dr 9am up to 12.30pm.. there's coupla thgs yg up tiber2 yg buat aku lagik menyampah;



  1. aku got no choice to be in KL trow.. so mlm ni aku bertolak dgn Ajak. Ahad pg, aku balik Ipoh back again.
  2. and dis comin Ahad - mlm, aku bertolak ke KL semula wit Amid.. since Isnin up to Jumaat (i.e 12 to 16 Jan.) aku kena ada kat Bahagian Perkhidmatan Latihan KKM, PERKIM.. 8 to 6pm for the whole 4days since ada training. mati la aku - since Mr Adnan dah blah ke PutraJaya, aku dgr2 it is like aku will take cover S/U Peperiksaan which is like - fcuk!. sumer org tak mo dat post.. mcm.. fcuk!
  3. next Sabtu Ahad after done wit KL thang - gotta be in Pangkor for some reason pulak.. adeh. but its ok la kot. Pangkor.


sumer bende2 neh - all out of sudden. it seems like tak bley nak rancang pe2 pun dah dlm idup aku neh. dorg can jst calon nama saper2, put it in black n white n makes u HAVE to go, coz if ur not - u gotta answer it. bangang btol.



i aint sure yet where to stay. din even think of it, too. dgn Amed - may be cari hotel la kot dkt2 area PERKIM tu.. Dynasty? euw - spooky.


KL? huargkhhh..




Cx means complication.


life shld be easy. it aint dat complicated. life is easy - dats the fact. the choice is in our own hands - to make it or not simple, as it is. i gez everybdy knows dis damn well enuff. nobdy wants a complicated life - be it in wat ever way it is. but sometime - it is our ownself - complicating the whole plot. we say - we want a simple one. we try not to make it worst by gettin in somekinda deep shait - for u hate to deal wit the consequences. but sometimes - we hardly escape from facing one. or havin one. i mean - series of thgs which wld complicate our own life. we then say - owh, i cant help it. owh, dis is fate. fate?



i gez we human bein r too good in makin excuse. we do thgs wrong - and try to point our fingers out to somethg else. or to someone else. wldnt dat make thgs worst?



Thursday, January 8, 2009

KL - malas siot!!





..and dis time around - aku mcm dah confirm nak turun KL for dis weekend. Saturday and Sunday. i hate it - but tell me - do i hav any choice? isk - malas siot. malas sesgt. dis UPM silly billy - kejap jadik, kejap tak, tukar tarikh as if mak bapak dorang happy doin so. geram btol.



aku really dun feel like goin down to KL, dis time around. mcm pelik jugak. i normally OK je bila turun KL once ina blue moon. despite i am OK sket since i'll be seein someone dat i am lookin forward too - other than dat - heh, i'd rather stay put kat rumah n moldin my own balls.



class went well today - wit 1st year jugak ari neh.. they started showin their true colors ari neh. semlm everybdy was like - duduk dgn postures, see me thru - tembus aku dinding and all, takut nak respon to any lawak (let alone crackin one!). pagi ni - aku masuk je.. aku take my sweet time.. took off my tie, took of my tag, bukak butang baju sket (sket aje - like aku use to do di ofis) and start my lecture. budak2 neh tgk mcm tak kelip2 mata - so aku ckp - dis is me, and how aku wish bley dtg ngajar pakai jeans or short sajork!! and aku bgtau budak neh - kalo setakat nak pakai tie tp tak ikat btol2, selekeh - better took it off! so - ramai la jugak budak2 laki ni yg berani, bukak tie.. aku senyum je. cuma aku mtk dorg put it on back lepas kelas aku - kalo idak - aku plak kena sound kang! huhu.. and after dat - the class went so well, dorang gelak n enjoyed the whole process. aku really hope apa yg dorng belajar ari neh - stuck in their mind la.. jgn ingat lawak2 aku je - yg lain2 lupa. mampos aku.




lapar plak. nyesal tak ikut Ajak kuar lunch tadik. heh.


Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Wed mornin




dah started lecturing back again - kinda eager for dis class, dis time around. aku pun tak tau naper. it was not like aku tak pernah masuk ngajar pun. ari ni - cuma 2jam je.. dgn budak2 first yr. aku tak prepare much pun.. around 10.30am - aku jst walked in the class, on my thumbdrive - and aku jst went off smoothly.. as if aku dah btol2 well-prepared. heh. and the rest of the day - aku lepak buat keje aku je, kemas2 bilik sket n btolkan slides for aku nyer coming classes.


aku tak pi MOPD ari neh - supposedly aku need to see the pakar today. they asked me for another scan paler aku neh. heh - aku malas. semlm berjam2 tunggu, bley nak repeat plak? apa aku tadak keje lain ke? heh. i'm gonna be OK. at least dats wat aku believe in.



Monday, January 5, 2009

Halo..






Everywhere I’m looking now
I’m surrounded by your embrace
Baby I can see your halo
You know you’re my saving grace
You’re everything I need and more
It’s written all over your face
Baby I can feel your halo
Pray it won’t fade away..




- Halo; Beyonce (I Am.. Shasha Fierce)





..





i am not sure of wat i've been doin. i love it so damn very much. i never ever been dis way - i was happy, blessed. but then - its tuff for me. it is so bloody tuff dat it tears me apart each time i am thinkin about it.



i gez i gotta be strong. or i mght be as well enjoyin it as it is, while i am havin such chance of doin so. while i am havin someone who really love me for wat i am, for the whole i am. as i am. no matter who dat someone wld be, i gez. sharin is blessin. but sometimes - sharin can be a real pain in the arse.



i am not entitle to complain much. i refuse to be a selfish. and i shall love it as much as i can - as long as i am needed - to be around it well.





MOONday mornink!







its Monday - the first day of the week. first day for most of the stndts in ere too. first day bg budak2 skol jugak. aku kuar awal sket pg neh - bukan pe - aku dah jangka jln mmg awal2 pg dah pack dgn bas skol la, mak ayah anta anak pi skol la, staf2 yg keje syif yg dah kelam kabut ngejar puncha-card la.. and - mcm yg aku dah jangka - aku kena deal dgn few drivers yg mcm bangang sgt - as if jalan tu mak bapak dorang yg punya.. and dis same lady yg drive Waja neh - dah dua tiga kali aku kena - drive laju, nak potong org tak tentu pasal, nak cilok org ikut suka mak bapak. anak 2 - 3 org dlm kete. bley? nak je aku pull-over, tahan kete tu, sepak tuan punya kete and blah. gream arr.. aku nak cari driver neh - aku bet sure tinggal area2 rumah aku je. dah tau tak mo kelam kabut - kuar la awal. tak pun bwk helikopter. beat all the traffic.



sampai je pejabat - aku terus semak mails/memos kat pintu pejabat aku neh. heh - as yg mcm Apiz ckp.. aku kena buat clinical visits/supervisions ke Klinik Kesihatan Bruas/Parit/Ayer Tawar. mak wey!! jauh2. drive sorang2. huarkghhh.. dis aint a great start for the day - aku fikir. tp fikir2 balik, watpe nak gado2? kalo nak jugak gado2, nanti aku bwk je jadual neh jumpak Pengarah aku, senang. or Timb. Pengarah.. ye lah - keje dorang memang la ngarah2 org. aku dah kena arah. perlu ke aku lawan arahan? heh - aku mght pi je larr.. tp lewat sket la kot. no rushing. first day posting - bukan nyer nak ada any bed-side teaching pun.



bed-side teaching mender - patient's bed pun may be budak2 neh tak tau kat ne!! heh.




to move. or not to move..








'..theres not much u can learn in one place,

the more dat u wait,
the more time dat u waste..'






soalan nyer skang - btol ke? shld i wait? or shld i move on?




heh.







Sunday, January 4, 2009

loya!






heh. ni kes smlm - sori, aku baru tergerak nak tulis.





loya. meloyakan. erk - aku tak mengandung. sori. in fact - mmg tak la aku nak ngandung.. since the last time aku checked - i am a real man. u know wat i mean. tp apa yg happened to me smlm - were coupla series thang yg betol2 nyebabkan aku 'loya', nyampah. aku cldnt find any perfect reason naper setgh2 org perangai mcm tu.. tp - dats the fact. nyampah - mmg menyampah. tp bila fikir2 balik - i gez org2 mcm ni la yg buat idup kita 'kinda fun'. heh.


..


kes 1.


time; 8.00am
lokasi; padang polo, ipoh.



abes je conducting erobik to the freshies aka juniors yg baru masuk (for their so-called riadah pagi utk orientasi dorang) aku terus pecut ke padang polo.. its Saturday - pg neh set2 instructor dri DBI akan conduct mass-robik public as usual. frankly speakin - aku tak la suka sgt set2 DBI neh conductin erobik dorang nih - sebab pempuan sumer. then steps dorang ala2 tarian sket. call me bias since aku member of set2 kecerdasan fizikal Kinta (and we conducting another senamrobik public at same place, every Sunday!).. tp since it is aerobic - aku redah jugak. sekali skala try org nyer steps - ok jgk la kan! so, aku duduk tgh2 dataran tu as usual, sorang2. for the first 10mins; ok jer.. tp lepas tu - aku mula start dgr suara perempuan belakang aku neh - ngomel tak tentu pasal. suara lbey kuat dr music lagu La Bouche - Be My Lover tu. aku tak amek port sgt mula2.. dia komen mcm2 - 'naper la dorang neh asyik marching je?', 'heh, lagu mcm ampeh', 'aduhh.. steps ni lagik' dan mcm2 lagik lar.. sket2 tak pe. tp ni dah lbey. dkt 15mins aku dgr prempuan neh ngomel, aku mula menyirap. eh - saper pempuan neh? bagus sgt ke? champion sgt? (smbel terus dgn step2 aku tu..). perempuan ni terus komplen mcm2, smpai up to a point - aku jst stop (while org tgh kalot2 catch up dgn steps), cekak pinggang and pusing belakang aku ngadap dis prempuan bodo tu. aku tak ckp pe pun, cuma buat muka annoyed and ushar peliks sket.. dia mcm tergamam n terus shut-up. aku pusing balik, smbung steps aku.. and aku tak dgr dah sore dia after dat - gez wat, she left! hahaha.. moron.


question ; perlu ke dia bising2, komen tak tentu hala? bagus sgt ke step dia tu? kalo bagus - heh, pi naik pentas, rampas koser n amek alih je the session. tak pun - erobik je sorang2 kat rumah - ngadap tape video Jane Fonda - then komen byk2. kalo tak pun - baik tanam bunga je. heh.


..



kes 2.


time; 11.00am
lokasi; klinik ehsan, tambun.



last 27/12 - aku buat annual blood work-out. rutin thnan aku.. bukan aper - dah meningkat umur neh - elok la aku spend a bit n do such thang. kot2 ada Diabetes ke, HPT ke, cholestrol naik ke, haper ke.. w'pun - sumpah, mmg aku tak mo la benda2 tu sumer, kan? (saper nak? ko nak? heh..). aku nyaris2 lupa nak pi jumpak doc balik to review the result, and dis clerk kat klinik tu tak abes2 call aku. so - Sabtu lps, aku take time la pi sana, jumpak doc. Dr Khairul Bariah yg selalu aku jmpak tu tak buat locum, Dr Sabariah je ada.. aku kenal si Dr Sabariah neh - dia Pathologist Hosp. Ipoh.. buat locum kat situ. pernah jumpak sekali - frankly speakin, aku tak berapa suka dia for her approaches dgn patient - lain mcm sket. tp kali ni nak review blood result je - so aku fikir, perlu ke nak tunggu2 Dr Khairul? heh - malas. so aku pi daftar, masuk jumpak si Dr Sabariah neh. heh - result ok. all bagus.. cuma cholestrol aku a bit high. high lah - bukan a bit a bit dah. normal total cholestrol shld be <5.2mmol/l. style="font-style: italic;">since BP aku ok je.. dia pusing tnya soklan lain - ttg diet aku. aku ckp aku mmg amek 3 major meals everyday - bekpes, lunch n dinner. makan nasik sekali sehari.. mlm jarang makan, and dia ckp - owh, tak bley.. u nak diet pun, kena jaga makan. kdg2 tak mkn bley sebabkan kita pening.. (diet? aku diet ke?) aku tanya balik - u mean i pening since i hypo ke?.. dia tgk muka aku semcm, and ckp 'no, sebab energy consumption.. bla bla.. bla bla..'. aku ckp aku keje ofis je, dlm air-cond - and make sure aku mkn sket 3hrs before my gym/jog. and dis doc mula mcm irritated dgn aku. salah ke aku? aku patient. she's a doc. aku tak ckp aku btol pun. and dia pun tak semestinya 100% btol. no - aku bukan in denial. pls. cuma aku tak berkenan cara approaches dia in givin health education. aku blum abes ckp.. dia dah 'no.. no.. u shldnt do dat.. u shldnt do dis..'. aku was like 'hello, shut up. let me talk first. u jst listen!' mcm tu. may be dia tak tau aku ni keje pe.. w'pun aku bukan a doc - tp background aku pun medicine jgk.. geram jgak aku. finally dia subscribe aku Tab. Simvastatin 20mg ON. i gez to shut me up. TCA one month for another fasting lipid profile. heh.


question; susah sgt ke nak 'mendengar'? kalo aku bley dok diam waktu dia bg nasihat, explain the whole blood result - tp bila aku nak explain n diskus (bukan argue pun!), dia dah irritated. muka dah berubah. ko doktor. ok - fine. aku patient. heh - fine. ko may be cerdik dr aku. fine. tp aku tak la bodoh sgt.. aku bukan dr Bukit Merah ke, Jinjang ke.. pls la. kalo tak nak dgr ur patient, balik dok rumah. dgr radio. heh.


..


kes 3.



time; 2.00pm
lokasi; kenduri adik ipar kak su - jiran aku, kg baru manjoi.



frankly speakin - aku mls pi kenduri. bukan pe - bosan la nak bersosial2 mcm neh. nak salam2, nak senyum2 to stranger, nak break the ice, nak tnya itu ini jst to be nice so dat org tak ckp ko sombong. tp - dats wat aku did last Saturday. since kak su dok sebelah rumah aku, and ye2 jemput aku pi kenduri rumah suami dia.. aku gagah la jugak. dlm ujan lak tu!! aku ulang - dlm ujan!! heh. skang mana2 kenduri pun stail buffet. tp kak su nyer - aku suka since ada makan stail idang. ko duduk, cukup korum, bentara (those guys/gals yg bertugas angkat2 talam n ngidang tu la..) dtg bwk talam n hidang ko makan. best! aku suka. masalahnya skang - aku pi sorang. so semeja - 4 orang. aku pun duduk la sheepishly smiled away, so dat orang suka n duduk semeja dgn aku - and aku bley mkn n balik. so - dtg la sorang bapak muda neh, dgn anak dia 2 org umur around 4 to 5 tahun. senyum2, tnya kbr - dia pun duduk la dgn aku. so - yes!! cukup korum n bley dah makan. aku amek nasik sket je - since kolestrol dah tinggi neh. tp ayam masak merak 1 ketul besar, dgg masak itam 4 - 5 potong, jelatah timun, sambal belacan n masak lemak nangka were so tempting - esp daging n ayam tu. tp - blum pe2, si bapak neh dah cubit2 ayam tu besar2, isi pinggan anak2, pinggan dia. aku senyum je.. tak pe - sure dia tinggal sket. and he did. the daging masak itam plak - dia angkut sume masuk pinggan anak2 n pinggan dia - tinggal like setengah ketol kecik je kat aku - w/o even seein my face!! aku was like - eh, pinggan aku ni kosong lagik kan? ader nasik je, rite? so aku amek le jelatah timun n makan nasik. baru je nak amek ayam yg tinggal sket tu - anak dia dah jerit2 nak ayam lagik. dis daddy pun w/o much hesitate trus cepek ayam tu.. yg was like suppose to be my share. aku terkejut sket. erk - mcm ni ke? kak su dtg waktu aku dlm dilema tu - tnya aku, 'eh, shah tak amek lauk ka?'. and aku terus jwb 'erk, lauk dah abes' smbel buat gelak2 plastik. aku makan sket2, basuh tgn, and senyum kat brader n anak2 dia - blah.


question; mcm tu eh, adap mkn kenduri? kalo lapar sgt - pi kedai mamak. amek lauk, bayar. nak abes kan satu tray tu pun tak pe. ko byr. ko tak pyh nak fikir2 byk. tp kalo tak bley nak share - balik rumah lipat kain.



...




aku still cldnt understand y org2 mcm ni exist kat dunia neh. mmg le tak la besar mana problem nyer.. tp irritating lar. annoying. erm - does it really annoying anyway? or aku je yg lbey2 plak?


cehh - i aint goin to blame it to my age anymore! shut up.



Saturday, January 3, 2009

terharu. bley?





ni kes semlm.




abeh je sejam memberi lecture to stdnt thn 1 neh, dorang bertepuk tangan. mmg selama ni aku tak pernah pun masuk kelas dorang neh.. ni first time. aku rasa hairan la jugak - since batch stdnt yg lain nyer.. aku masuk kelas, abes bagi lecture tak der pun dorang bertepuk tgn sorak segala bagai.. maksud aku - tak le smpai bersorak2. over la kan nak bersorak2 - mau je aku denda soh berdiri atas kerusi plak kang.. aku tanya - mmg selalu ke buat mcm tu lepas lecturer abes bagi lecture? (since dlm kepala otak aku ada 2 benda - 1) mmg dorang teruja dgn talk aku.. yg mcm - mmg tak arrr! 2) mmg dorang tak sbr2 nak tunggu talk aku abes, and bila dah abes.. masyaAllah, merdeka!). tp dorang cakp ya.




masalahnyer skang - perlu ke aku rasa terharu? or rasa sedikit pelik? or since usia aku ni yg semakin meningkat neh (heh, ujg tahun neh, makin tua!) jadik kan aku lbey sensitif? may be la kot.





tp yg pelik - aku rasa mcm terharu la plak. cemaneh?






Friday, January 2, 2009

Thanks, Nazmir.




i was about to leave the college around 4pm dis afternoon when i heard someone call my name - it was Wan; askin me to wait for a while for 'i got somethg for u sir, from someone' as he said. i was wonderin alrite - heh, i rarely get thgs nowdays, especially from someone yg aku tak tau asal usul.. i got dis parcel wrapped well in a nice plastic wit a box inside - i remember dat once one of the stndt told me dat he wanted to giv me somethg and he wanted me to hav it as it is.. so jap tadi, after done wit mandi and Magrib, aku sit down n open it well. it was well wrapped. and mcm yg aku jangka - it was a cd, i mean - 2 discs inside.. wit one written on it as 'mp3'. and sleeve - God, it was a real somethg. the words inside..




'..assalamualaikum wbt. first of all, i nak u terima cd ni seadernye,, yg penting cd ni tak dijual di eBay (fine! perli i eh?), any music stores or watever lah! it was made by me to show and express my gratitude how penting u dlm hidup i sepenting darah daging i sendiri, my spiritual brother.
selama 3 tahun i kenal u, mcm2 lah terjadi, biler fikir2 balik, adakalanya i gelak. i senyum and i sedih mengingatkan kembali kenangan i dengan u around. masih segar dalam ingat i, masa Semester 1 - betapa meluat i dekat u! - sebab u kekwat giler dgn i.. buat dunno dgn i and the most memorable thg i terpanggil u 'abng; masa sesi orientasi dekat Kuala Woh.. GOSH!! muka u - menjeling2. dalm ati i.., 'eh, plz la dia neh!'.
hehehe.. but then, our relationship menampakkan akrab since u suruh i beli dvd - BbM. OMG! i was shocked, funny.
in 3 yrs - i learnt a lot from u. so, dis record (gtew!) i wanna dedicate to u my best-est fren, my big brother and my idol. may be ada certain songs performed by artists yg u kat kenal la kot - tp means a lot to me. the lyrics, and the melodies. Love em all. and i hope ur gonna love em too.
OKlah - dats all la kot i boleh express kat sini. takut tak cukop space. dis is a last minutes gift yg i boleh bg kat u. i hav nothg lar yg expensive dan berharga utk bg u. but i hope u'll enjoy it and accept it and never throw it away.
oK la sir - wassalam..'












dis is Nazmir, my ex-stdnt, my small bro.,
my own fren.





nazmir;



u know i aint good at words. i never know how to put thgs better in words too. but i know how to show it dat i appreciated thgs well - as well as i appreciated yr time, yr presence evolving around yr previous 3yrs in ere. u've been there too for me - tho as a stdnt (and ur a gr8 one) - cheerin me up, and yr words, yr laugh, yr smiles never fails to make my gloomy days turn bright. i miss those days, really. u may think i am OK wit it - i mght cool about the whole thang eversince ur not around, but nazmir - u never know hows inside of me.. for i aint kinda man yg pandai show all dat - u know me rite?



but then again - i will never forget u, definitely. i learn a lot too, about life from u. i learn a lot, really. especially - how to laugh away when ur in a deep shyte.



u take care, Nazmir. u pray to God above, u'll be alrite wit life. life'll treat u well and ur gonna get the very best out of it, absolutely. be strong. brace yrself. take life as it is. life's too short to hate thgs around us. life's too short too, to take thgs so seriously dat u mght ended up suffocate ur ownslf. theres a long windin way infront of u. but i bet ur gonna be OK. a good great ppl like u will be loved, will be blessed insyaAllah.



i am listenin to the cd u made for me.. i mght not know coupla singers in it - but does it matters? dis is way better from those singles, albums i got it from eBay. way better than most of anythg dat i hav. i will definitely treasure dis well, and i'll remember it is from u - my once-was my own student, yet now my own small bro., my fren.



thanks, Nazmir. Allah bless u.













Thursday, January 1, 2009

cravin..





my new latest cravin, yet to get hold to it. the smell sticks in my brain and drives me up the fuckin wall. heh.