Friday, February 27, 2009


turn down the silence
inside my head
bring back the colors
were you insane?
further from where i´ve started
further to go
keeping my heart under control

why do I still feel you? feel you
and all you´ve got
i still feel you, feel you
all I need is you
all I need is to feel you, feel you

why did you change your mind and run away?
thoughts of you by my side
are starting to fade
i know that you should be mine
so i wont let go
everyday i´m trying to get close

why do i still feel you? feel you
and all you got
i still feel you, feel you
all i need is you
all i need is to feel you, feel you

stop running all the time
don´t fight the feeling inside
cause when you try it hard
don´t matter where you go it´s deep in your soul

colbie caillat feat schiller

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Nidji - Jangan Lupakan

ku berjalan terus tanpa henti
dan dia pun kini telah pergi
ku berdoa di tengah
indahnya dunia
ku berdoa untuk dia yang kurindukan

memohon untuk tetap tinggal
dan jangan engkau pergi lagi
berselimut di tengah dingin dunia
berselimut dengan dia yang kurindukan

would it be nice to hold you ..
would it be nice to take you home..
would it be nice to kiss you..

memohon untuk tetap tinggal
dan jangan engkau pergi lagi
bernyanyilah na na na na na
bernyanyilah untuk dia yang kurindukan

would it be nice to hold you ..
would it be nice to take you home ..
would it be nice to kiss you..

jangan pernah lupakan aku
jangan hilangkan diriku
jangan pernah lupakan aku
jangan hilangkan diriku
jangan pernah lupakan aku
jangan pergi dari aku


on the net - theres nothg there. look at the phone - its been so quiet for the whole day. no SMS, no calls. no nothg. the only thg dat i have is flashes in front of my eyes - the memories, the sweet thgs - cant believe we were havin good times last coupla days; and it ended up dis way, jst like dat. i feel theres a hole in me. i feel theres emptiness all around me. theres only one thg in my mind - and its marching up and down dat i cannot deal wit it well, dat i cannot stop it from keep on playin all the time, all the while.

we r connected to each another in so many ways. in so many many ways. we r attached to each other. we share likings, foods, simplicity in life, thoughts and so much more. never ever in my life i stumble into such person dat i cld share most of the thgs in life, dat i cld jst be myslf wit out any restriction. and never in my life i had so much fun. i became a different person. enjoyin life as it is. enjoyin sharing thgs well. and never i fall for someone again - after all dis yr, like dis one. and i am so sad it turned out to be dis way.

i wish i cld clear thgs well. i know i got restriction in life; but i can try better. but then - dis is aint my decision to make. i cld plead. i cld use all the world's beautiful lines jst to make sure thgs will stay the way it is. i cld do most of the thg, i know. but again - dis aint my decision. and how i wish..

i know i'll take ages to go thru dis. jst like the one, before. i hate it. but dis is beyond my will. i never been loved like dis before. and i never fall for someone - so much dat i am all over it, all around the clock. i know i will cling to dis, everyday, every time i stumble into thgs dat we shared before. and i know i'll get hurt even more. but then - its me dat i am hurting. and i gez its alrite.

"..why did it all have to end like this… how I wish it didn’t, but I guess what must be done must be done…"


its a gloomy day in ere. as gloomy as the feelin dat i am havin now. i wish i cld hav someone to talk to and share thgs wit - but apparently, i am not. i jst dunno where to turn to. whom shall i talk to - its not like everybdy can jst sit n listen to u over every single thgs under the sun.

thgs r not the same anymore and it wont be the same, i know - i know i gotta learn wit it well, for dis is the way its gonna be - tho i want it or not. it hurts me alrite. its so damn bloody hurtin me dat i aint not sure wat else to do any longer. i wish i cld bend on my knees, and plead. i wish i cld come up wit all sweet words in the whole wide world - so i'd manage to hav the whole thg as it is before. but i gez - its not gonna be like dat. its way damn too late. and i gotta be strong. i gotta brace myself facing dis - again. tho i aint sure as if i am dat strong. for the past 3 months i was a different guy - i was eager towards every single thang, i am a happy guy. yet now - i aint sure how am i goin to face thgs. call me coward. call selfish. call me anythg u feel like callin. i aint giv it a fuckin shait.

i feel so damn sorry for thgs turned out dis way. i never had intention to break thgs the way it is, before. i didnt mean to snatch any thang from anybdy at all. and i didnt mean to turn thgs sour too. i am sorry for bein the way i am. i am sorry for turnin thgs from so nice, beautiful into somethg shait. i am sorry for everythg. God knows how i want thgs stay the way it is. God knows how i am willing to walk away, before thgs stumble and crash in pieces.

i jst dunno wat else to say.


stuck in between. find somethg u never think of before. u changed into someone new. yet u hurt some other delicate hearts along the way. u had the choice to walk away. but ur confused - it is so good to jst let it go, jst like dat. and it hurts even more. u know u shldnt choose dis path. yet u got no regret over it. and again - it hurts most of the hearts u love around u. dis time u gotta choose. u hate it. but u left wit no choices to choose. to leave or u get left behind. to leave - u'll hurt yrself, u'll hurt others too. to be left behind - u'll get hurt and it aint make any changes after all.

gotta make a pack - tho it cld be too late.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


too much for a day. too much dat i dun think i can take dis, anymore.


blur. numb.

i gez its rite. theres no news, a good news. i am kinda blur, numb. i dun know wat else to believe. thgs r so contradicting wit each another, puttin more burden on my shoulder about the whole shait. he said the symptoms i am havin r not dat suggestive, except for the fundus - theres a liltle changes - he said. but then - my vision is fuckin alrite.. watdya mean - theres changes in yr fundus, yet the vision is OK? even the way he did the fundoscopy pun - mcm main2 jer.. is it because i didnt put my tag on, and he didnt know wat i am doin for life - so he can take thgs for granted? so typical goverment servant. i remember the first time i had the scan - the docs too din know wat to say.. they said it cld be SOL there, yet not dat conclusive. need to re-run the whole shait. God sake - i aint a tikus makmal. i jst need somthg convincing - so dat i cld go on wit whole thang well. so dat i cld hav a good sleepin at nite.

i dunno wat to say. i mght as well go for another second opinion. for the third, yeah. and aint sure if i hav to tell all dis to my parents, Ayu and all. *sigh*

God, help me.


as expected- i cant really sleep last nite. theres so many thgs buggin in my head like shait - dat i jst cldnt put my brain into the 'mute' mode. i hope thgs gonna be alrite. tho i know theres no news a good news - i really cling on dis one - i am still young and i still hav a lot infront of me.


Monday, February 23, 2009

MOPD, trow morn.

i am having my follow up in Medical Out-Patient Depart. (MOPD) trow early morn., and to tell u the truth - i never been dis seriously anxious about the whole shait. i am not sure if i am scared, but i think if i really am - then dats the real word to describe the whole situation. and i hope the docs/specialists wont throw me any i-cant-wait-dat-long kinda another to-come-again appntment anymore, for i cldnt bear wit dis headache, any longer.

wish me luck. i jst hope i'll be havin a real good sleep tnite. for wit dis kinda feelin inseide of me - i aint sure if i can.

gnite everyone.

words. respect. feeling. kinda breaks my heart when ppl posted me wit kinda questions dat i refused to answer. dat i dun really know the answer. or dat i dun even hav the answer for it. it kinda breaks my heart too, when i was havin a fully respect towards some ppl; yet they din know how to appreciate it well - yet they keep on making and treating me as if i am a fool.

i dun know wat else to say. it is good for u to hav the ability to say or to ask anythg bothering yr head, under the sun to others.. but it wld be nice if we wld be able to think first - before we jump out wit a statement dat mght crush and hurt other ppl's heart others as well.

dis aint a big deal for me alrite. dis wont be spoilin my whole manic Monday, insyaAllah. but then - when it comes out from someone u adore, someone ur lookin up to and someone u really hav yr respect on - it is different then. it makes u feel kinda 'sour' o yeah.. u know wat i am saying.

but then - its ok. it is jst my luck. not dat i want it to be dis way. not dat i choose it to be dis freaking way. and i guess - ppl can say watever they wanna say. watever they feel like saying..


heh - ere i am - alrdy in the office, in Ipoh to be precise.. i am in ere alrite. but then - a part of me is still wanderin somewhere else. not dat i wanted it to be dat way- but it is always like dat every each 'break-away'.. i had a great a weekend. a great time indeed. and yeah - if only i cld turn back time. erm - i wont re-plan the whole thang yeah. i wld jst enjoy the whole wkend, as it is yeah.

i din get the chance to snap pics of the wkend - but theres a few je lah.. kamera bwk, tp tak heret togather wit me. so - kamera hp sajork..

the cupcakes yeah - had it like i never had it before. i know dat i'd be havin a surge in glucose level.. but then - dis is not like everyday, aye? i love em all. i jst love em so freakin well.

and dis is the outlet - the Cupcake Chics, the Curve. jenuh jugak lookin out for it.. but then - it is worth it. the sell a cup for RM4.50.. a cup wld make u full like nbdy biz. but then - if u ask me.. a cup? heh, mana cukup bai!!

me and my cupcakes. huhu

and me after the chopping-off-my-hair-session done.. back to the square one, i think.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

i personally think dis is one of the best Brad Pitt's effort. at once epic in scope and intimate detail, dis David Fincher's The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is certainly most emotional film to date - far as i concern - tho Fight Club and Seven dun offer much in the way of competition. it is loosely based of an F Scott Fitzgerald story, dis movie tell the tale of Benjamin Button (which is of course - Brad Pitt hell yeah) born in 1918 in New Orleans as an old baby wit wrinkles, cataracts and arthritis. Benjamin will age backwards - gettin younger as he watches those ppl around him - in pain and disastrous feelin - getin older. dis is included his adoptive momma - Queenie (payed by Taraji P. Henson - u'll love her, really!) and her Daisy (Cate Blanchett - dammit i never she her actin dis way!), the love of his life whom he meets when she is jst a little gal and he is an old man. they age in revers, but despite Benjamin's globe-trottin adventures, their lives repeatedly intersect. its kinda sad to see Benjamin trapped in an old outlook while he's young inside. and it is sad too to see him gettin older and older while he was jst a liltle baby on the outside.

the movie took me about 2 hrs and 45mins for the whole run. and aku was like tersengguk2 jgk in between - dun get me wrong, it is nothg to do wit the movie, jst dat i was pretty tired. trust me. dis is a real worth of time to watch, really. and much better if u see it wit yr love ones then, i think. so if ur not up to dis movie yet - go ahead, spend sometime watchin it. but if u dun like dis - think u better go catch some idiot flick like The Punisher and such. heh.

2nd day of the break. will be workin as usual trow. aku started to hav mammoth in the tummy - for i gotta to leave all dis behind.. *sigh*

Saturday, February 21, 2009

break-away; d1

finally i am where i've been wanting to be for quite sometime. its a break, alrite. and i am havin it good, God sake. i am glad. really.

able to catch Burn After Reading - theres George Clooney, Brad Pitt, John Malkovich, Tilda Swinton and all. frankly speakin - heh, the movie was kinda so so sajork for me.. nothg much to be ado of. it was like dat Fargo, released coupla yrs back. at least dat wat someone told me lah.. but then - Brad Pitt was kinda good. kelakar lah! and Johnn Malkovich - aku always into his acting so damn fcukin much. and as usual.. he did a good job alrite. clooney - heh. he looks so old alrite.

and today - there'll be a home cookin session. had cupcakes like crazy around 2pm - i always wanting to hav some.. and i got em alrite today! perkhhh.. and other than dat - thgs r great, really.

Friday, February 20, 2009


dats it - i thank God for the TGIF is alrdy in. i am goin to hav a great get-away, a break - u name it, i am goin to hav it all - all in one kinda thang. i shall leave all the shait behind - for the whole new week is comin thru - and theres no use of sittin down, cryin and feelin blue over thgs dat i cant change - for God sake. and definitely - i am goin to look forward for thgs dat i can change - and i am goin to change em all for good.. i will make sure i aint gonna get hurt, i am not goin to hurt anybdy at all. yet again - i gotta bear dis in mind - i am not ere in dis whole world to please every single ppl around me. coz i mght be losing my whole mind if i am tryin so hard of doin so. for dis is my life, my own future - and if i fall and i if get up runnin - its all up to me. yeah - its all up to me, God sake.

God, gimme strength.

so ppl - hav a nice break. a nice weekend. live life - before it leaves u! see u on Monday.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


shait, i must must must stay away from dis keyboard in times like dis.

a stupid tot is meant to remain in the PAST, therefore theres no bouncing back to idiot state of mind when ur feeling lonely. or when ur feeling blue..

dammit - lesson not learned.

bad day.

if theres days when it provides u only shait n nothg - i gez dis is the day then for me. i feel numb. i hate thgs infront of me. ppl pissed me off alrite. and the other thgs, too. i feel like killin everybdy; my collegues, stndts too. and i dun hav any intention of doin anythg at all. i feel so damn fuckin lazy, serabut. yet - i hardly know wats bothering me. it is my health - i am not feelin dat well now, the feverish is botherin me like shait. or is it somethg dat i've been thinkin of since last nite.. damn - i wish i know better.

and i am facing wit coupla facts in life which i shldve known better - even in the first place, way earlier. but i am kinda arrogant. cldnt careless. i guess now i am suffering the consequences. i told myself i am gonna be ok - last time, but then - i wasnt too sure wat 'i am gonna be ok' was like. dammit.

i know i am gonna be ok. dammit - i better be. its a matter if of time. its a matter of strength. and its matter of how i deal wit it and such.

for time being - i am not sure wat i am doin, God sake. tho i do believe, wat i feel.

my head..

i was not in a good 'shape' yesterday. done wit work at 5, aku off for a gym and jog after dat - like aku used to do all dis while. reached home 7, aku had dis sort of feelin mcm nak demam balik. of course - the bodyach was still there, but i am ok wit it.. after all - i did take some NSAIDs to soothe down the pain, and it works alrite. by 9pm - aku gettin worst, penat sgt dat aku ended lying in the coach infront of the idiotbox.

i must confess theres thgs bothering my mind alrite. but i kept pushin myself to be positive about it; sayin dat i aint got rite of bein so, i mean - i aint got rite to stay in dat particular stance, for i HAVE to know where i am standing. its painful. and.. i dunno. it really is.

in the office now. gotta class to run, exams to take care and coupla thgs to settle before the end of the week crawls in. i gotta make myself bz, for i refused to entertain all the bullshait buggin my head every now and then.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009


"..this may be a day when you feel completely alone -
because no one
will seem to understand your perspective.
reach out instead of pulling back away
from other.."

well, fella - dats my dly horoscope for today.. which i received it every single mornin. i din really believe in it yeah - but kinda fun to read em all rite. but yeah - sometimes - it can be a bit of scary hell yeah.

Monday, February 16, 2009

i HATE Monday! period.

i started my Monday wit kinda eager of goin to work - ye lah.. dah dkt seminggu aku tak pi ofis neh! believe it or not - jst believe it lah! i really do, indeed. tho deep down - God knows how i feel like - heh, saspen giler, wat kinda MOnday it wld be for me, today. and again - u gez wat? I HATE MONDAY! especially today. call me or name me wit wat ever u feel like to - like i care - but i hate Monday. i really do. tryin so hard to love (especially today) but it ended up like.. wtf!

masuk je office ari neh - i was kinda shocked for eventually baru aku sedar i had 2 hrd of teachin.. and the worst part was - it was a new topic for me, and for sure lah (again), i din even prepare for it, God sake. talk about jst got back from Langkawi if u asked me y - such a typical lame excuse, it is. but then - aku managed to re-arrange the schedule wit the stdnts well, nanti ari Jumaat baru aku ajar dat particular topic. then the whole ordeal starts.. budak2 sat for the the Community Health Sciences formatives - 2 sem, and i was spendin for about 4hrs solely for em. i even missed my nice, good breakfast wit Ajak and all. and lunch - aku cuma sempat take away sajork.. ptg - mr Anwar mengamuk2 cari aku kononnya soalan aku tak anta lagik.. aku convinved him dat aku dat settled the whole shait even before aku went to langkawi itself, and then baru dia sedar it was in his bloody thumbdrive. and to make thgs worst - he divert his silly anger on quality of the questions. i was like.. helooooo pakcik - wat the fuck is wrong wit u? nak gadoh ke? (harews la tak!). tgh dok kalut2 alter all the questions - Pengarah panggil meeting. and it was alrdy 4pm!! huwaaaa.. tak siap another task, another task dah masuk yg baru.. and 5.45pm baru aku drove out leavin the building. no gym, no jog. aku was mentally exhausted. and physically - sucks big time.

sampai rumah - mandi2, baru aku rasa all the bodyache creeps in. post-workout smlm punya sore. aiyooo.. very the sickening. ni la bahana tinggal gym almost for about a month now! huargkhhh..

aku lapar. aku penat. aku geram dgn Mr Anwar. and aku basically geram dgn Monday itself. dun ask me y - but i jst hate it.

wldnt it be nice, if everyday.. is Sunday? heh. wat a tot.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sunday hell yeah!

had a great start for the day, today. woke up at 6.30am.. siap je Subuh - aku terus blah pi Padang Polo, for today.. after quite sometimes - its about time for my turn to conduct the public mass-aerobic today. kinda nervous alrite.. heh - lama tak bergenjot atas pentas weh! and alhamdulillah - thgs went well.. i had a great time myself.. w'pun waktu Poco-Poco aku ter-missed coupla steps.. heh - wtf? aku dah lama tak aerobic, meh! but then - aku rasa audien tak perasan pun.. the ambience was great, the public rocks too.. the music was fcuktastic - lepas la gian aku ber-clubbing dah lama dah neh! hahaha.. bley? 11.00 am to 12.30pm - aku gav a Health Talk, ganti one of my fellow fren yg tiber2 hilang suara. piece of cake - delivered well, alhamdulillah. tak der yg tido. many questions on Q&A session - i took dat as a good one lah.

lunch out je ari neh. around 4pm - aku blah pi gym.. after about like a month since aku last jejak dat particular place. and a jog after dat - tell u wat? OMG - aku mmg rasa nak pancit (mmg pancit pun) like nbdy biz. penat sgt, siot.. heh - from now on, aku kena start balik.. gym/jog every day, or else.. aku'd suffer the consequences. cewah!

esok keje mcm biasak. aku wonder wats in store for me.. dah dkt seminggu tak masuk ofis. received coupla msges from the juniors - tnya ttg formatif. baru aku teringat esok start exam formatif for em all, and the first time for the juniors all rite.

dats about it for today. after all - i had a great Sunday. pretty productive. i supposed. hope it'd be a great one for me too, trow. no last minutes works dat i hav to deal wit. nobdy in store dat i need to yell to. hehe..

g'nite, ppl. sleep tite. and dun let bugs, get u!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

tagged - by Mr Fir..

i was tagged by one of my fellow student - mr firdaus (see him at his nice, sweet on his last entry - which was like.. i am sorry, kinda late in readin it yeah!

so here it is - i hope i do get it all, alrite, mr fir!!

thanks, anyway.

1.What you have been doing recently?
- eversince i got back from Langkawi - dis is wat i've been doin.. a) tido; b) eating chocolates; c) layan Astro; d) updating my blog and FaceBook too! huhu e) and again - tido lagik. heh.

2.Do you ever turn you cell phone off?
- indeed. at nite. during the charging time. so - if u feel like callin me late at nite (to talk to me, or havin fun over some kinky conversation) - heh, forget it!

3.What happened 10a.m. today?
- 10am dis mornin? i was in Tesco. tolak2 troli.

4.When did you last cry?
- on birthday; 31st jan dis year.. and dun ask me why.

5.Believe in fate and destiny?
- i am, of course. but i do believe in ur the one who responsible for yr fate, too.

6.What do you want in your life now?
- better pay, perhaps. not workin in KPPUK, too. bley? hehe

7.What your favourite thing to do on the bed?
- sleeping la, dol!! and erk - yeah, few more kinky thgs dat u dun wanna know. haha

8.What bottom are you wearing now?
- i am wearin sarong now. hell yeah! huhu

9.Are you wearing anything borrowed from anyone?
- like wat? underpants? hell no!

10.What are you proud of?
- bein me. i gez. yeah - think so.

11.What was the last song you sang out loud?
- Cindai - Dato' Siti Nurhaliza not. ru crazy? heh.

12.Do you have nicknames?
- indeed!

What time did you go to bed last night?
- 10pm, yeah. early i know. tired meh!

14.Are you currently happy?
- technically, i am. and i am havin somethg to look for towards dis weekend. hell yeah! i am happy.

15.Who give you the best advise?
- my mum, of coz.

16.Who was the last person who make you laugh?
- cant remember any.

7 facts about me;
  1. i am an Aquarius.
  2. i hate snakes, rats.
  3. i am a shy guy yeah.
  4. but i think i am a cool guy to be wit, i think so.
  5. i love to eat. but i hate to be fat.
  6. i hate the idea of goin for a jog/gym - jst dat i hav to!
  7. and i hate Hafiz as well. he's a pervert.

Things that scared you the most.
- losing ppl dat i love. being cold and alone.

Song you listen to at time being.
- Halo / Disappear by Beyonce
- all tunes from ATB's the DJ's Mixed.

Things that you say a lot.
- 'shait!'.. erk - sorry. excuse me. pls. thanks.

Precious thing.
- my family. frens.

First time in life.
- wat is dis? its like 'sex' or somethg? heh.

The last person who tag you was?
- my student; Mr Fir.. thank u, mate!

You relationship with him/her
- he's my fellow student.

Your 5 impression towards him/her
  1. he's cute, alrite.
  2. he's quite in the class.. i barely know where he sits anyway.
  3. cunning.
  4. smart, i think.. erk - rite?
  5. wat else?

Important person for u rite now
- dis is tough! i got a lot.

The most memorable thing that he/she has ever done for you?
- makes me happy, of coz.

The most memorable words that he/she said to you?
- i love you.

If he/she become your enemy, you will?
- kill myself? bley?

If he/she becomes you enemy?
- wat kinda question is dis? heh.

The most desirable things to do for him/she are?
- be good to em all. much better than i am now.

Overall impression towards him/her are?
- superb! i got no words to describe.

How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
- 'sombong', i think.

Who was your ideal?
- huh?

What do you hate about yourself?
- proscrination; my worst enemy..

For the people who care of you and like you?
- thanks! wat else to say?

Tentang Kamu - Bunga Cinta Lestari..

Ku tak bisa menebak.
Ku tak bisa membaca.
Tentang kamu.
Tentang kamu.

Kau buat ku bertanya.
Selalu dalam hatiku.
Tentang kamu.
Tentang kamu.

Bagaimana bila akhirnya ku cinta kau.
Dari kekuranganmu hingga lebihmu.
Bagaimana bila semua benar terjadi.
Mungkin inilah yang terindah.

p/s; first heard dis song at makcik's blog (see her at and aku immediately fall for it. the lyric. the melody. asked he coupla times for the singer/song title.. dah lps few times, baru nak bgtau! btw - thanks, makcik! love u for dat! hehe.. heh.. dun look at me dat way - duncha think it is so freakin beautiful? well, it is, for me. and its for u too - u know who ur.


Kuala Perlis, Wed. 11 February 2009.

balik Langkawi dah.. yes!!!

and u know wat? i am back to my own world - my own crib, my own washroom and such.. theres nothg in the world to be compare wit yr own home sweet home. and i jst in love wit em all. 2 days plus in Kuah, Langkawi enuff to kill me like shait. i aint got no intention to go there at the first place.. i gez dats explain well enuff. and then.. it was like - Kuah? heh, excuse me! it'd be OK if i am a typical makcik2 into kain batik sarong, pinggan mangkuk, Vision and such - but, hello! it aint me God sake (unless for the chocs, yeah!). so it was a pain in the arsehole to be there, trust me. rite after Magrib, the town went of into the silent mode.. nak kuar pekena tea tarik pun kecut telo. heh. after all - the program was kinda pack.. i aint got much time to walk about pun. i wish the thang wld be in Pantai Chenang ke, or somewhere else than Kuah. heh - its over pun. need not to be so unkind, eh? but the course was hot. i mean - damn nice.. after all - its a 'psychological' thang.. and i am into it so freakin much.

noon semlm - aku terserempak into dis guy.. si Azim - i first met him during the Riverview Abg Bear bwk aku oin their family havin meals there.. he's kinda cute guy alrite, bersopan o yeah (see him at Abg Bear did call me up the mornin before askin me the where about - bila aku ckp aku kat Langkawi.. he was like - "eh, Azim pun kat Langkawi.. bley le meet him up..", i was like - heh, dah nak balik lunch hour nanti.. sempat ke? and furthermore, i din hav his number pun. but then - during the trip naik teksi ke Jeti, aku nampak si Azim neh berjalan2 sorang, layan je.. aku for sure tak sempat la nak jerit bagai, for teksi aku naik tu pasang aircon.. and then - out of nowhere.. dia naik feri sama dgn aku, at 1pm! by the time dia masuk je feri - he was like 'eh, think i met dis guy before' kinda look on his face.. hahaha.. aku tegur dia - and God sake - at least for the rest of the trip, aku do hav someone yg sama kepala to talk to, to crack jokes wit - after like 2days plus bein so-not-myself there in Kuah.

sampai Kuala Perlis around 2.15pm, aku dgn Azim sempat lunch sekali, sembang2 before he sent me to Kuala Perlis nyer bus station and he went str8 back to Penang (for he said he's goin to be on the road back at nite for KL!). kinda nice to meet a nice ppl like him, yeah.

and wat did i get from Langkawi? heh - chocolates, of course. nothg else. but chocolates yeah. a lot of em, yeah. yeah - a lot of em. and i am gonna get fat soon. heh - shut up! will hit the gym, ptg ni jugak!.

dis is Azim - he's cute alrite.

me and Azim. the cute me - yeah. wat? whos cuter? heh.

Azim posed muka terpaksa mkn nasik yg mcm masak 3/4 ari lepas.. hahaha
(p/s; Azim - ko cirit tak? huhu)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Langkawi? shait.

i will be leavin for Langkawi trow morn - yet i dun make up my mind yet - to drive or not to drive, or jst to take a bus up to Kuala Kedah/Kuala Perlis. and if i ever drive pun - i mght jst stop at Kuala Kedah.. for i dun feel like drivin up the till Kuala Perlis pun.. malas!! and above all - aku dun feel like even goin pun to dis Langkawi for a course neh.. and i am not sure y on earth - of all the place on dis world, they choose Langkawi to hav dis course on. as for me - Langkawi.. isk, nothg there lah. too comersialized. and i gez - shait; i am gonna be a dead meat there, in Kuah. huargkhhh..

tryin to settle coupla thgs ere in the office - before i leave trow morn. its gonna be like 2 days lbey kot.. sampai ari Jumaat.

heh - i aint in the mood to talk about the trip lah. malas.

Monday, February 9, 2009

ColdPlay rocks!

managed to catch Grammy jst now - shldve watched the real live telecast dis mornin, but i din get the chance of doin so.. and thank God Star World is havin the show back at 9, so ere i am tryin to catch some of the great events.

love the Coldplay collab wit Jay Z and their Viva la Vida live.. so nice and got me goosebumps alrite. and yeah - they won for the Year Best Song wit dat one, too. and another one was Rock Album kot.. sendin Kid Rock down to the drain. huhu.. and i love the Jennifer Hudson singin too - so touching.. i gez after wat shes been thru - i think.

i think dis is the last entry for tnite/today. gotta hit crib early for i am goin to work trow.. after like 3 days in a row of havin off-days.. *sigh* damn lazy, it is.


sometimes i forget how awesome i am (sorry, i hav to do dis.. i aint got nbdy sayin so to me.. and i am goin to say dat - to my ownself now.. so wat?). i think i am goin to sit in my chair, ere in my study room - all day - recollecting all the wonderful thgs about me.. its not jst me - lots and lots of ppl i know r really awesome, yeah. i think everyone shld somehow take some time off from their busy lives and hav a lil introspection-retrospection kinda session - to realize how cool they all r.

y dun u too giv it a go. take an hr off from watever ur doin. sit back and reminisce away. i gez it'll do u good. eh?


i love donuts. and more donuts. yeah.

the worst part about bein a grownup is dat when ur at home wit the rest of others - and a box full of donuts; ur supposed to control urself and take only one or two - and let others enjoyin em too. but today - screw bein a grownup!! i am crazy about donuts. and yeah - donuts for lunch.

for lunch? wld dat make sense? heh. so, wtf?

Sunday, February 8, 2009

missing someone..

"Missing someone isn't about how long it has been since you last seen them, or the amount of
time it's been since you last talked.

It is about the very moments when you are doing something and you wish that they were right
there with you!

i always think dat it is nice to hav the feeling of missing someone when u know dat u'll be seeing em again - soon, somewhere in time - especially someone ur affectionate wit.. the anticipation is a wonderful tension - 'wat will i say? is he/she thinkin about me - the way i do? wat will he/she say when i tell him about somethg?' kinda thang like dat - all the time. and the other cool thing is - missing someone gives u a big chance to realize dat havin him/her in yr life is a good and a very, very important thang. it is a bigger concern when ur away from someone u think u shld miss and u dun miss em, at all.

and i gez - dats scary.

i wish..

yeah - before its too late - i'd like to wish all the readers out there, my frens and all who celebrate dis day..

Happy Thaipusam!

and happy holiday, too..


its Sunday. and its Thaipusam. i swear to God i am not gonna drive out of the house today - for i know the road will be pack, and there'll be more roads closed down. but then - around 8am - i received a call from a close fren; askin me if i can cover him up in givin a Health Talk for one and a half hr at 11, i jst cant say 'no'. he helped me a lot. and dis cld be my time in payin him back. so - dammit, i got no choice.

drive out at 10.15am - i know the distance is not dat jauh sgt from home pun.. it was rite in the town. tp its Thaipusam la.. and as aku expected - there was a bit of jam around; 1) jalan dpn rumah MB/istana (dun ask me y.. u know better. trust me - i cldnt be bother!), 2) area round-about kat Medan Kidd tu.. adehh.. kete byk, ada perarakan Thaipusam plak situ.. thank God - 5minit nak strat the session - i reached there alrite - in one piece yeah! hehe..

the talk went well. great response too. Q&A - many questions posted. aku rasa puas ati sgt.. and again - otw balik - damn! dis time around.. the journey which shld take me about 30mins back home.. i was stratnded for about an hr! God sake.. but i was tryin so hard to not to honk anybdy at all, givin those need ways first and tryin to smile too.. and enjoyin the sceneries. and one thg yg make me laugh sorang2 dlm kereta was.. Thaipusam ni dorg berarak, rite?.. and then budak2 muda main muzik - gendang segala bagai.. and of course, Indian they love to dance to the rythm, rite? and ada satu geng budak2 muda ni.. sakan sgt menari.. aku dok perati. lama.. and suddenly aku tergelak. baru aku perasan.. do u know wat kinda dance steps dis young guys r havin? its shuffle! yeah - shuffling steps. shuffling. shuffle. u know rite? (God sake if ur not - u must be darn old then). i was like.. heloooooooo! y shuffle to dis kinda beat? thank God dorg tak pakai bju hip-hop segala bagai.. erm - shuffling to the beat on Thaipusam days. interesting.

sampai rumah - aku was like nak pengsan sajork.. panas. think demam aku not really well yet pun.. idung still stuffy.. bdn kejap panas, kejap sejuk.. tensen aku.

and above all - i am missing 'sthg' dearly, indeed.


Saturday, February 7, 2009

its Saturday!

the daily horoscope for me, today -

"someone u like or someone u love may appear to be showing an interest in another. dis cause a fit of jealousy in u. dun make urself crazy
for all may not be as it is.."

God sake - wat ever it means. i need no more series of tonic clonic - any longer, pls.

hope today will be better than yesterday. will be leavin for the office soon - got coupla thgs to settle. and classes at 2 rite up till 6pm.. danggg. btw ppl - hav a nice weekend.

Friday, February 6, 2009

messed up.. end of the day - wat did i get? nothg. i failed myself today for i wasnt be able to control myself over some idiot thgs, when dealin wit some kinda idiot ppl. i hav been doin all dis alrite, all dis time - but today - bscly yeah, i was screwed up. i sent coupla msges to few stndts for my stupidity; sayin 'sorry' for throwin tantrum unnecessarily. i am so ashamed of myself.. i shldve known better - when u deal wit and idiot - never ever get carried away and be one, too. but obviously - i did. today.. *sigh*

i wish i cld talk to someone. ppl do come and see me, talk thgs out and i listen attentively.. but when me myself stuck in a mud - i am not sure who i cld turn to. there r a few, of course - but i think i'd rather not for they tend to make fun out of it and scrutinized me thoroughly as if i deserve to be treated dat way. some ppl say they care - but i need no sympathy. i jst need someone to stand in my shoes and feel it the way i am feelin it. some ppl mght say dat i din open enuff - so i am not lettin anybdy to understnd me. at all. period. but - is it?

it is so unfair, isnt it? heh. i remember mum askin me - 'u said thgs in life r fair? who said life is fair at the first place? me? get up, boi. grown up. life's so not-fair. and dats the fact..'. its hurt to know dat - but i am livin life along it, all dis time.

i dunno wat i am thinkin. but i gotta clear the mess up. i need some good sleepin tonite. and i need a better trow - so i wont be hating myself, and i wont let anybdy hate myself as well..


hell day o'mine.

dis is aint my bloody fcuking day alrite. i am sorry if i started the whole thang - in dis entry, like dis. u know i aint like dis all the time. but today - i was so fcuked up. and bloody damn pissed off. about so many thgs. about the whole thang. and about so many ppl. all the petty small thgs drive me fcukin nuts dat i jst dun know why - and i was about to explode today.

i gez it started from last nite itself - i cldnt sleep well. God sake - i know i've been sleepin like a bloody log, like nobdy biz for the whole 2 days. nay - i din wanna stay dat way, God forbid. i was down wit fever alrite. and yesterday - i think i was gettin better, and started to crave lots of thang - one of it was my daily dose of Nescafe. i made a big mug for myself - around 7pm, dammit i know its comin. i know dat if i gulped dat motherfucka - i'll be in deep shait allrite - but i jst cldnt careless. i tot doin thgs at whim, ones in a bloody blue moon wld be kinda cool. yeah - it was cool my arse, yeah. i was tossin up and down, forcing my eyes to shut the fcuk up. my eyes practically shut alrite - but i remember i was not be able to 'mute' my brain from keep on buzzin, workin like shait - over shait, yeah. i was havin my eyes shut, wit my brain doin his late-nite-work-out. at 5am - aku dah jumped outta bed, frustrated.

reached office, i got some may thgs to sort out. fcuk! i was away for the whole 2 days, God sake. and it aint like 2yrs!! Mr N came in askin me as if Bahagian Latihan KL did gav me somethg dat i needed to pass it to him - i was like.. wat? bless me God, i cant remember a thang of gettin any official envelope and needed to pass it to anybdy at all. he was like, 'bro, u gotta find it. or ur screwed!'. and left me wit a gag. i swear to God i dun remember a thang - and coupla stdnts (my HSR stdnts) waktu ni jgk nak came in to see me since the dateline for the proposal is approachin well. i told them - like all the time - get me at the rite time, rite place, make some appointments first. u cant jst came in like dat and force me to see u kinda thang! after all - where the fcuk hav u been all dis while? why now? and at the same time - another stdnt came in and said dat as if i looked so 'fcuked up'. i was shocked. i was like 'am i? u better shut the hell up and leave, before i screw u' kinda thang.. leavin the stdnt a bit puzzled alrite. and i shoo all the boys back to where they belong - i aint gonna see any of em today. and went thru all thgs, files, drawers and such in my room, drove back home, went thru all places in my study room - but i cldnt find a thang. i believe i am officially screwed. and dats it. i met Mr H - i think i gotta confess a thang, and i did.

and the best part of it - Mr N finally bgtau aku (after aku went and see him) to search no more. he said its a bloody fcking miscommunication. the envelope was not given to me, but to someone else. i was like, fcuk! why dun u tell me? why did u kept a mum about it? and did u know how i've been wastin my time, freakin out like a cold shait? i was so angry. i was so bloody pissed off.

my fever makin a come back. i started to hav goosebumps around lunch time. the runny nose, makes me sick even worst. theres so many thgs inside my head - i need to let go. i need to sort out well. and i need to ventilate it well to someone who cares. but where wld i find such ppl like dat in dis kinda world where u got frens when ur laughin, and they vaporates jst like dat when ur in deep shait? still exist ke?

otw back - while drivin; i did some thinkin. how i honked a lot durin my drivin to work dis mornin. and how i still do durin my drivin back, too. how i lost my precious time over doin thgs yg tak sepatutnya aku buat today, and how i add some unnecessary confusion n misrable to a bunch of stdnts of mine. i wanna blame dis all to my bad health condition. but then - it wldnt be rite. do i hav to hav somethg to blame, while it doesnt matters anymore?

had dinner jst now, after bath - aku feel darn relax. like never before. i took Brufen 400mg, Paracetamol Actifast 2 tabs, Actified 1 tab - and aku started to feel a bit giddy, drowsy hell yeah.

i wanted to ended up dis bloody hell day of mine - at least - wit a bit peaceful kinda way. i hate myself bein tensed up like dis. and i hate seein ppl drives away from me - when aku naik antoo mcm neh.

eh - like i asked for it. i am not, ok. *geeez*

Thursday, February 5, 2009

letting go..

casually browsing the net today - reading an email from a fren of mine - i realized how one of the personality traits dat i acquired over time has changed my life so drastically and mostly for the better - the ability to let go. lettin go of someone or somethg is different than forgivin or givin up.

for a species dats is free to move around, we r remarkably predisposed to hangin on. as toddlers, we hold on to our blankets, teddy bears or 'bantal busuk'. as kids we latch in to our toys and mommies. in youth, we hold on to out music and frens. and as we grow older, we cling to out families, partners, jobs, cars, houses, hobbies and every person dat we've ever cared for. we jst cant seem to let go of anythg! and hangin on is wat we do..

its not a secret dat ppl change, s'times for the better and sometimes for the worst. the fren dat cared abt u so much last yr doesnt thnk abt u anymore. the lil boy down the street u liked sayin 'hello' to, doesnt seem all dat respectful anymore. when a person changes, we all notice it. but when we ourselves changed - do we care about it? or we r jst bein too denial to see dat we do changed and accept it as it is?

the prob is dat ouselves arent willing to incorporate dis change into our world view. we dun want to admit dat now dat dis person has changed and is suddenly treating us like crap, dat we shld jst let go then. we keep tryin to get their attention, to show them dat we r still worthy of their affection. we need to let go. u need to let go. the relationship is over. the frenshp is over. jst let go.

lettin go doesnt mean u stop talkin to fmly or frens when they r in trouble and r more work for u to put up wit. lettin go means when someone clearly no longer wants to include u in the next episode of their life, u gracefully accept dat ur character was killed off and go back to starring in the remaining sort off forty-seven other shows. if dats not enuff, find new ppl and become a guest star in their lives.

it took me a long time to come to terms wit the fact dat many ppl no longer want me to be an active part of their life; some very close frens in the yrs bygone. often i blamed myself for the turn of events, thinkin i must hav done sthg to push em away. turns out, it wasnt me or anyone else. it wasnt em sometimes. life changed em.they moved on and were hoping i wld too; the sooner the better.

when it takes more effort to maintain a connection wit someone than the mutual benefit and support we obtain, it is not worth of tryin to make thgs work, anymore. while we shared some good times in the past, if u dun hav anuff time for me anymore, it is in my best interest to let go and find someone else. the longer we hang on to after the bond's broken, the more it hurts when finally we let go.

if someone is meant to come back to yr life, they will. otherwise - jst let go.



If I begged and if I cried
Would it change the sky tonight?
Would it give me sunlight?
Should I wait for you to call?
Is there any hope at all?
Are you drifting by?

When I think about it
I know that I was never there or even cared
The more I think about it
The less that I was able to share with you
I try to reach you, I can almost feel you
You're nearly here
And then you disappear
You disappear

And then I lie all by myself
I see your face, I hear your voice
My heart stays faithful
And time has come and time has passed
If it's good it's got to last
It feels so right

When I think about it
I know that I was never there or even cared
The more I think about it
The less that I was able to share with you
I try to reach you, I can almost feel you
You're nearly here
And then you disappear
You disappear
You, you disappear

I missed all the signs
One at a time
You were ready
What did I know
Starting our lives
Now my love, I'm ready to shine

When I think about it
I know that I was never there or even cared
The more I think about it
The less that I was able to share with you
I try to reach you, I can almost feel you
You're nearly here
And then you disappear
You disappear, you disappear
You disappear, disappear

feverish - still.

still down wit fever. tho i think i am gettin better now - but rasa sakit2 sgt whole badan.. bet dis is another viral fever la kot. jap dah ok - jap2 demam balik. hope trow i am gonna be ok - for i got lots of work to be done there in the office!

Wednesday, February 4, 2009


i wish its a Fever by Kylie Minogue.

i am down wit fever. a runny nose. i aint gonna go to work. called Mr Anwar sayin dat i am takin an EL for today - hoping dat trow i am gonna be alrite. the headache is killin me - feel like as it is tearin me head into two now. and the runny nose - God lord; i prefer to hav a fever rather than havin dis whitish thin discharge about to drip off my nostrils - all the time.

sucks. big time.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

voices in my head - and i aint crazy alrite.

Futurama drives me nuts.

usually wit in the first 4 - 6 hrs of every single day , i get songs and phrases stuck in my head. most of the - songs. or it cld be thgs dat ppl said. a dialogue. i keep repeatin these phrases over and over, almost chanting subconsciously. i hate it. heh - stop lookin at me dat way. i aint crazy. i aint havin so-called hallucination wat-ever-not. but the fact is - i am absolutely sick of it but i dun know wat i can do to avoid it. its always somethg short and not too annoyin by itself - but the constant repetition makes it unbearable.

todays's phrase-stuck-in-my-head-and-it-drives-me-nuts is "to shreds u say" from a Futurama episode dat i watched a nite before..;

    [the prof is on the phone]
    prof hubert farnsworth: oh how awful. did he at least die peacefully?
    prof hubert farnsworth: to shreds you say, tsk tsk tsk. well, hows his wife holding up?
    prof hubert farnsworth: to shreds you say.

fcuk me - dun ask me wat does it mean, coz i dun really know wat the heck does dat means anyway. i was barely watchin dat series pun - i was like pushin the 'forward' button every now and then.

normally thgs get un-stuck after noon, regardless of when i hav lunch or if i hav brunch. i dun know y is dis happens - but it gets on my nerve alrite.


think i am ended up havin fever and runny nose too. gulped Brufen and Piriton (i love the drowsy effect, yeah) after simple dinner jst now - waitin for the eyes gettin heavy so dat i cld jump into the crib and hav my MuMuLand peaceful enuf for tonite. i am not sure how trow wld be - for i gotta go for clinical visiting - covering up Parit and Beruas. dammit - jauh siot!


Jubli Perak - and its a off-day yeah!

i hav to confess dat i din get a proper good sleep last nite. theres coupla thgs runnin up my head like they r marchin endlessly - and i wasnt be able to mute it alrite. its hard to believe how ppl can be so damn bloody selfish, really. and i cant see any reason y shld a person turn out to be like dat - dun they think about others too? heh. woke up at 6am - i know its a public holiday ere in Perak - but since i cldnt be closin my eyes any longer, i din see any reason y shld i tumbled upside-down jst to get some sleep. got up, took my bath and at 9am - aku off to the office.. gotta see 5 of my stdnts yg HSR proposal tak jgk siap2.. kinda pissed of - dis is a holiday; i shldnt be doin all the office stuff - but they r leavin me wit no choice dat i hav to comply. done at 11am, aku terus drive back home.
bein at home now - i am glad i got nthg to do except lazyin around wit remote on my rite hand, big mug of OJ in my left hand, sittin nicely on my fav lazy chair - doin the channel surfin. nothg much on the idiotbox. and nothg new on the news too.. no news is a good news, i think. aku ended havin myself online - wonderin wat to do when i am online. heh. why am i gettin mself online, at the first place?
think i shld be goin out for some fresh air. for some fresh new surroundin. i've been keepin thgs to myself, not seein a new thang/ppl for quite sometimes. and it sucks big time. havin life wit dis kinda monotonous routine is so not me.
but then again - goin out means i gotta change. i gotta drive my car out of the porch. gotta find a car park. gotta squeeze in between ppls.
heh - dats not even half of it. think i'd better stay home. and sleep. may be.


y do u hav to be sucha fcukin bitch? u always hav to make thgs hard for everyone around u - tho they mght not be grumblin and yet showin a bloody fake nice face to u. no one wants to spend time wit u - u crazy head in yr arsehole. erkk - hold on a minute - may be u ARE an arsehole? ur jst a controllin manipulative bitch. and u always ruin thgs for ppl around u - as if ur the only one got rite to be happy, and other r not - FCUK OFF!! i am so glad dat i aint one of those who goes ga-ga over u. ga-ga over u? heh. yeah rite. they ur using u, bitch! as well as ur using em too. sucha rite game ur playin, idiot. all u care about is yr bloody fuckin date. heh - like i care. like i fcukin care, yeah! hold on - i can get better than u, as u said. fcuk off! wonder where the heck ur puttin ur brain at? owh - get it. ur arsehole, aye? suits u well. but if it is not - then y dun u and quit ur fcukin bitchin. jst shut the fcuk up and learn how to pay bills damn well. shut up and 'take responsibility'!


Monday, February 2, 2009


so where exactly does yr 'work' fit into yr 'life'? of course, almost everyone will agree dat ur job is aint ur own life. theres a lot to life than jst workin around the clock, 24/7. but think back to hi-school, when everythg u did supposed to be twrds ur future job - we r tot from birth dat work is work, play is play and work bscly sucks. unless u get a glam job, ur bscly screwed. but is work really necessary? do we really HAVE to work, God sake? theres some dat say, we shld abolish work (idiot). and then theres some dat say - once we hav progressed far enuff - we can let the robots do the work (yeah rite). well till we get to dat bloody stage - somebdy's gotta clean the restrooms and sombdy's gotta do wat they gotta do then. u gotta pay bills - which is sucks. dats the reason y 99% of the ppl probably work.

and talkin about job - Pengarah called me dis mornin. he talked rgrdg things. about my work and such. he said he's been observing me - and it was like for the past 3 months.. i was kinda 'drifted away', lost in my own world - yeah rite. and he said i wasnt like dat, before. he believes dat i had potential. and dat potential need not to be wasted jst like dat.

and at the end of the 'talk', he assigned me for a new position - as Head of Department for Psycho & Behavioral Science. i was like - fuck! well dat aint funny. i wanna throw fits - not dat i like it well - head of depart-wat? fcuk me - it aint funny God sake. and he left me no choice. its my field. my experties. and i got no choice to choose. and i am the most junior guy on the block, to run a single department.

God - save me.


i had a great one indeed - i mean the previous bird-day. i was in the college together wit stdnts since we r havin the ko-ku kinda thang - when it happened. they sang out loud the Happy Bird-Day thingy song, and they do thgs to me too.. last time i remember bein trapped in dis kinda situation - i was 15yo, kat hostel.. when all the tepung, telor wit air beberapa baldi covered me up alrite.. and after 20yrs - it happens again! and thank God - no telor dis time around. other wise i mght be ended up being a cucur udang then. i cant believe the stdnts r doin dat to me - Afiz and Ajak said it was kinda 'harsh' - stdnts shldnt be doin dat to me as a lect., but then - wat the heck? its not during the office hr pun. heh.

and these wat they've done to me!;

kinda lost - cant believe dat was me.

i was swearing the shait out me - to the boys.

the leader of all shait - Abang Abu Hassan - wit me after the cleanin up. imagine gotta drive back home like dat - i din bring any change. Abang - rmbr - wat goes around WILL ALWAYS comes around. huhu


but then again - dats was all the shait. i got coupla nice thgs to share, too. and i will remember dis till the end. i gez it is true wat my dad used to tell me - when ur gettin 'old' (i mean - 'wiser' yeah), a simple, a single wish on yr b-day will definitely make yr whole day yeah, need not all the gifts and wat. but when u get all dat - definitely is a bonus lah!

and here r those nice thang dat i had;

Dunkin Donuts. i know it aint big for u, may be. but for me - havin someone bought these for u - to hav it wit u, on yr great day; it means a lot yeah.

Choc Indulgence of Secret Recipe. the rest of it - u cld see it on the cake. heh! btw - thanks!

me cuttin off the cake..

a Russ Teddy from Faisal/Syed/Kieran. lovely!

and YES!!! cant believe i am having dis. its like dream comes true.. Estee lauder Beyond Paradise for men.. whoaaa.. i am goin to sleep wit dis on me yeah! thanks u-know-who-ur. hehe