Saturday, November 29, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
The markin thang goes well. Aku stucked in the middle of nowhere wit no xcess to the net. Aku rasa hopeless sesgt. Ni pun aku update using my N80 in Nando's kat Pavillion neh.. Aku dinner dgn Azmir Sharifuddin of FaceBook.. Nice talks over the meals, really. A man wit brain, indeed. I am honoured. Unfortunately, aku x bley la plak upload pic since fhm2, aku guna hp sajork..
Monday, November 24, 2008
mornin!! woke up at 6.30am jst now - aku consider kinda late for the first day of the weekdays neh - and its Monday. first - i am glad i dun hav to go to the office. second - heh, need not to rush meh! tak payah mandi kelam kabut early in the morn. so i am takin my sweet time, solat Subuh, get myself online, bancuh a big mug of Nescafe (which is a must!), tgk2 jap budak2 nyer Health System Research neh since Ajak will drop in to pick em all up and bring em to the Rod kat office. so - aku dah done wit em all, lepak2 jap kemas2 rumah, katil pe yg patut - waitin for 8 somethg before aku bersiap2 since Mr Bong will come around 9 to pick me up and off for KL. and yeah - i gotta call Jab. Pengimejan Diagnostik to cancel off an appointment for one of the u/sound dis coming 2/12. mmg tak sempat la.. so - think shall nego and get a new date then.
i cldnt get much sleep last nite. may be its been a while since aku stay sorang2 je kat rumah neh - the whole thang seems like weird to me. i used to enjoy the privacy. the loneliness. but dat was then la kot.. i remember i was like tumblin upside down at 2am to get my eyes shut for a while.. and i hardly get some. by the time alarm terjerit2 tadik - aku terus off the crib wit the typical feelin - bodyachin everywhere, the urge to get more sleepin and such - and yeah; surely hell i know i din hav any of a good sleep last whole nite.
i'll be there in KL starting trow up to 2/12. i'll bring the lappy. and i'll try to update the blog still, if theres the facilities permits me of doin so. bag dah pack, thgs r ready. cuma nak bertolak je esok.. suddenly aku rasa malas sgt - nak tinggal dis whole house. heh.
gnite, ppl. sleep tite. a'kum.
hectic Sunday - today.. after done wit the massrobik - aku bergegas balik rumah, do the pressing baju batik yg aku malas sgt nak pakai - but since its a formal talk, aku got no choice. the tlak supposedly to be started at 11am sharp, but then at 11.30am baru mula.. geram jugak aku neh - since it was really wasting my time - since aku dah la berebut2 tadik, then kena tunggu entertaining all the unknown - makin fake smiles and such.. heh, malas sgt aku!! but then then talk went so smooth - during the Q&A session - bley tahan ramai yg menjawab soalan - sampai ikut2 aku kuar dewan pun ada!! haha.. kelakar plak rasanyer.
done wit dat - aku bergegas plak cari si Ajak - dia ajak lunch since ada coupla thgs nak bincang dgn aku.. 'regardin work' katernyer.. so over the nasik mamak candu kat jln yang kalsom tu - we talked about coupla thgs.. and mostly; as usual - Ajak needed a place to ventilate. heh, baru je sehari aku tak der kat office (dat was on last Friday) - mcm2 isu dah naik.. pelik jgk aku. tp for the sake of his one of my good buddy - aku dgr jer.. aku kesian pun ada si Ajak neh!
around 3pm - aku terus pi office - gotta pick up coupla thgs, blazer yg aku tinggal kat office balik rumah siap2 so esok aku tak berebut2. malas aku nak pi ofis esok pagi.. malas, malas, malas.. better off aku terus bertolak dr rumah je - since aku tumpang Mr Bong, and he wanted to pick me infront of my house.. way to go, boss! huhu.. and rite after takin watever not - aku terus ke gym.. yeah!!
doin nthg at home - aku decide to go to August's place.. i mean - his outlet in Ipoh town. lama sungguh taku din get the chance meeting him. nice talk we had.. and mostly about me lah!! since aku din get the chance talkin to 'a real human' - August is a good listener - so aku really make use of him.. (sorry August!).. he din giv me any advice, but coupla words from him real open up my mind alrite.
may be August is rite. may be i shld stay away for a while. i mean - theres no way y shld i torturin myslf. if it is had to be likin someone yg alrdy got someone else's.. and dats the fact - so be it. i jst hav to stay away then..
and i know it aint easy.
Sunday, November 23, 2008
arrived back in ere - in Ipoh around 4am.. kepala aku a bit ting tong since i cldnt really sleep in the bus weell. kinda weird - all dis while aku always lookin forward tido dlm bus since its kinda fun, really. but not tonite. theres 2 tasks dat aku gotta deal wit, today -
- En. Shahrani called me semlm - regarding tak der saper nak lead the mass-aerobic for the public in Padang Polo.. aku was like.. huhu.. lead? nah, not now. aku kalo setkt back up, may be la.. so - dats the deal.. i kena la pi jap lagi ke Pdg Polo, shaking and groovin the bod out hell on the stage.. nice nice. hahaha..
- at 11am to 12.30pm aku dijemput for givin sort of Health Talk by one of the NGO regardin Healthy Life Style in the Mid-Age kinda thang.. heh - aku remember aku forget to tolak the deal since aku tau.. my Sunday down the drain. tp ok gak since aku tak tolak - i cld do some good deed, perhaps.. materials dah ada, cuma nak giv it a go jer.. and yeah - baju batik. sucks!
dah mandi, wit a Necafe big mug by my side.. aku kemas2 rumah pe patot looks like i am goin to spend the Sunday all alone then.. kemas2 beg for KL trow too, after the talk. and a bit of gym perhaps ptg nanti.. awal le sikit. its Sunday - or aku kena deal wit all the try-to-be-nice ppl around. heh..
hadeh - paler aku neh!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
shall hit the crib early. trow aku on leave and its gonna be a long day then. aku nak hit the road for Kelantan sekejap, before aku back to Ipoh by Saturday nite.. and Sunday aku in ere back, before off for KL on Monday mornin. sounds pretty tiring. but i am glad for i'd be able to fill up the whole days - nicely, i hope.
fact is a fact. sometime facts can be so hard to face - it can even hurt u deep inside. and its gettin harder if dat fact is somthg yg u never anticipate pun. it is like - lain yg kita harap, lain yg kita dpt kinda thang.
tho i live life wit a basis of 'less expectation', but sometimes - i cant help it really. i am just a human being. dammit.
and again - it hurts.
if theres one thg in life i cld wish for and dat wish wld be granted alrite - i wish i cld turn back the time. rite away. theres so much in life dat i din get the chance of doin, theres so many thgs in life dat i need to re-do it the whole thang - so i wont go hurtin myself, or hurtin ppl around me too. and if i'd be able to turn back the time - i'll definitely make every cent worth the whole shait out of it, God sake. i'll keep thgs the way it is - so thgs wont change jst like dat. it hurts when thgs go changin while ur not even prepare to see thgs slide away jst like dat, or thgs change without u yrself prepare for it. ppl hate changes. but dats the crucial thang in time itself. as time goes by - changes will get thru, God Lord. both of em r inter-related - and u know u aint got nthg to go against it alrite. its a silly tot to think over - for a beginnin of a new day. but it aint dat silly - i know. most of us do think about dis, rite? consciously. or subconsciously. be it watever way u want it to be. and dats wat came across my mind dis mornin. i know it'll never happen God sake - but to think of it, i aint gonna get strike by the lightning, eh?
*sigh* sometimes i wish i cld jst walk out of myself, and be someone else.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
i gez when u like someone - u'll be more concern about his/her whole-being. and when u like someone - u'll think about it more and more - about him/her.. about the whole thang. u mght be crazy reachin for the phone - wanting or not to do calls. or perhaps - hopin it'd be her/his msges each time yr phone scream out loud. and i gez when someone likes u so much - they pay more attention to u, askin dis and dat - dah breakfast ke, dah tido ke watever not.. it mght drives u crazy for bein asked the same questions again and again - every single day - yet u do reply em wit no question; as if u enjoy doin so. and i gez when someone really likes u so much - they wanted to know more about u - and u started feelin as if 'eh, ni interview URTV kah' kinda thang like dat.. yet u dun mind answerin at all.. they will listen to u attentively - wit no question back sama ada u willin to listen to em or not.. and i gez when u like someone - or perhaps, when someone likes u in return - u or they will try so hard to make the other half happy wit every single thang u do.. i gez.
heh - i dun know. it is so subjective. ppl sometime can be so selfish, or perhaps - cldnt careless too. and perhaps too - some ppl dun really know how to put their feelin and intention into some actions - makin u in such situation yg so confusing.. u know wat i mean.
must admit dat i've been thru all dis shait - again and again in life. be it samada someone likes u. or me in return - like someone else. again - its so subjective. the feelin sometimes can jst fade away like dat. ur so high like u-la-la and goes ga-ga liking someone - but after sometimes.. suddenly ur like.. heh, did i? sorta thang. or perhaps.. u've been tailin around like nbdy biznes - but again after sometimes, suddenly ur left alone. and u started askin y. wats wrong. and such.
i used to keep tellin myself - dat every single thgs got its season. and i am, up until now - do believe in such thg.. ur up now - trow, u never knows. i've been thru em all, alrite. i din say dat i am pretty much experienced in all dis - but i hav been thru it, yeah. and dun tell me dat ur not.. rite? or may be - after meetin up coupla times.. u started to feel somethg is wrong somewhere. as if thgs r not like before.. u hardly geetin any sms, calls and such.. ur carvin for the reasons y. and before u know - ur already over it (if its easy for u la!)..
and the same cycle starts all over again. and again.
went out for a breakfast wit Saifudin, Ajak.. as usual - 3 of us kinda click together - we can talk every single thang under the sun.. since smlm kuar dgn seniors, Azli.. so 3 of us like sort of restricted - tak bley buat statement tak tentu hala.. bahaya weh! silap2 ISA. haha.. so ari neh - aku had a good bekpes, plus a good company to sembang over the tea tarik, 2 roti canai banjir kuah kambeng.. (huhu.. matilemekgumok!). we talked regardin lot of thang - works, gossips (harews!! haha), office politiking, dis and dat.. sedar tak sedar roti canai aku dah selesai and prot still like.. heh - dah abes roti aku? no wonder kalo dlm magazines n such tak kasik kita makan while chatting/talking about things and such!! heh. think i am gonna miss dis moment - Saifuddin shall be leavin us - since dia mintak tukar back to KL for KLMU. heh - way to go, dude!!
think about the question posted for me in the sms tu.. i am not sure of the answer. still - its so subjective. finally dat she/he tanya is she/he can see me today.. kinda free - so aku pun like 'y not.. fix a time, date' je la.. think i got some ideas.. my own personal view - more and less like Mat Motor la kot..
i am leavin for the gym. be back by noon.
drivin to the office.. aku tersenyum plak sorg2 - thinkin all dat it was not like tiap ari aku went thru dat all. it must be one of those days, i think. and i hope it wont be another bad start for my whole Wednesday, God sake. i need a better one, indeed.
aku nak anta borang cuti ari neh - hope Mr Hari wld be ok wit dat.. nak balik kg jap on Friday.. back in ere on Saturday, before aku off to KL on 23rd.. rite until 2nd of Dec. *phewwww..* i hope i wont get any fatter. stayin in the hotel, meals like 6times a day, doin nothg except marking papers sajork.. matilemek.
semlm - rite before aku closed my eyes - aku received dis sms (which aku believed it was from one of my student la kot.. yg tadak keje, i think) askin me a simple question (i think) yet pretty hard to giv the answer rite away. i aint sure if it was from a boy or a gal.. from i din hav the number in the phone alrite. she/he asked me sort like, 'sir - how do u know dat u like someone? or when somebdy likes u in return?'. heh - aku tak balas, sampai pg neh.. mcmaner nak balas? its so subjective. gotta screw my head first for some points.. or worst to worst - aku wld stay diam2 tak balas sajork.
watdya think eh?
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
pretty damn tiring today - aku managed to finished my gym session after for about 1hr plus tunggang langgang wit all stuffs there - and 2 rounds of jog - smpai rumah je aku rasa mcm nak pitam. i knew dat i had a break for like.. 3 days? 4 days.. may be - but i gotta started runnin and liftin back as usual. i am givin no chance for any fat to settle around, God sake.
went out for a dinner - a lite one. Ayu ajak - aku ikut je larr.. she was like.. 'sup sajer?'. heh - jadik la! watdya expect? i had a great lunch today.. mlm nak tarik selimut je, rite?
think i am goin to the crib real soon. trow nak bgun awal.. i mght be goin for the gym pagi la kot - since ptg takut tak sempat.. byk keje weh!!
till then - g'nite u ppl! sleep tite. let no bug, bugs u!!
finally aku managed to hav both of the dvd on my own - Cinta and Sepi. tried to look for Pensil - i was shocked bila aunty tu bg response like 'encik - itu filem omputeh baru kaa?'.. heh. period. second time aku pi kedai dia, wit the same question - and sickenin enuff i got the same feedback from her. exactly the same question she asked me.. wallawei.. aku was like 'tak pa auntie.. nanti sy dtg esok - sy tnya lagik, autie jwb sama lagik skali' and left her wit suspense nyer affect on her face. malas aku nak explain panjang2. nyesal aku tak beli kat Feringhi baru neh. heh! i know some ppl out there may look at me wit a skeptical looks - be it. aku still the mood of post-effect of Sepi.. i am not sure y. but it hits me alrite. aku said the same to Ajak, Saifuddin, Apiz - and as aku expected enuff - aku received coupla cynical, skeptical response from em all.. 'ko ni pe hal?', 'sejak bila minat citer Melayu?', 'bukan ko ke yg selalu kondem citer Melayu?'.. heh. wey - dis is no like Senario The Movie yg - pls, i wont elobrate. meluat aku. tp Cinta and Sepi r two nice movies. and i like it. and be it lah..
nothg much in the office pun. done wit the papers pagik tadik - so ptg ni aku lepak le skat. mght be leavin the buildin for the gym soon la kot. and jog after dat..
yeah - another thg. for the first time in life, Apiz plainly, wit his coy face - told me dat he noticed dat i am losin weight. i was like 'HELOOOO.. of coz i do. bkn ari ni jer.. dah like a week now!!' dgn nada a bit riak, of coz. i know it sounds keji (and definitely la aku tak ckp mcm tu kat dia - or he mght ended up bunuh diri nanti) - tp, aku glad it came out from his mouth. Apiz all dis while kept on tellin me how he's losing wt., losing his belly and i had dis bloody pot-belly like a Santa Claus. tp aku tgk - prot dis lagik terok dr granpa Santa Claus. yet again - aku faham. its a denial. so be it lah. malas nak kecoh2. tp dis mornin.. aku rasa nak kasik a 'piak' je on his face like 'owh, really? no lah.. i think ur slimmer than me' kinda thang to him. tp rasa mcm tak baik la plak kan.. so aku ckp dlm ati je la. huhu.. yay!
heh. dunia je sumer neh. bley?
reached home around 11pm, mix and matched, gotta em pressed - and off aku to the crib. suddenly aku rasa penat sgt.. mls nak pi keje ari neh.. but i hav to - aku bertugas ari neh as Ketua Pengawas for coupla MAPY papers pagi neh.. shld be done by 10am, insyaAllah.
i gez i am bck on the fast track.. as usual. woke up dis mornin wit sort of empty minded - eager to start new thgs wit a vengeance. i wanna do thgs rite. i wanna do everythg i shldve been doin long time ago - startin a new leaf, perhaps.
drivin to work - i was kinda suprised how sunrise cld be so beautiful - as if its never been heppened before. i know i've goin thru the same road for more than 4yrs now - but dis mornin - the whole situation was so damn beautiful.. the sky, the sunshine and such. i got dis urge to stop by and snap some pics, may be - but the traffic was a bit heavy dat i called off decision to pull over.
suddenly it comes to my sense - dat how life cld be beautiful, too. its a matter of s/ada u realized it or not.. or may be u do realized it - but u din giv it a damn. or perhaps - ur too dump to realized the whole thang. as for me - aku bersyukur for the life dat has been given to me.. it wldnt be a perfect one, i must confess; but who on earth got every single thang he wishes for? we r all strivin for betterment. and i gez i am in the same boat too..
ermm.. enuff for the startin of a new Tues. gotta go back to work then!
Monday, November 17, 2008
its about time - i am leavin for Ipoh in no time at all. will be leavin at 8pm. a part of me - aku was kinda malas plak nak blaik - gotta work as usual trow, and life's will be like kinda routine startin trow. but a part of me - i am eager to get to my 'real' life - i mean, my own life. work. office. family. and such.. i had a great time in ere.. wit Akbar and frens. doin things i wont be able doin on my own - alone. i had a great company, in ere really. and to think about dat - dammit; malas sgt nak balik siot. but then - dat it is. life gotta go on.
may be - if time permits, if tak der aral - i'll be doin a comin back in ere.. tu pun kalo Akbar tak kisah larr.. nyemak kat rumah dia! heh. btol tak Akbar? (like u goin to answer dat, aye?)
so Akbar - thanks for yr time. hospitality. company and such. i had a real great time. such a break, really. hope u do, too.
jst done watchin Pensil wit Akbar. dammit - i am tellin u - its a must see kinda movie.. Mly movie to be precise. dis aint a typical rich-and-famous-make-u-wanna-puke kinda Mly movie.. its a real one. i always wanted to watch it eversince Akbar did tell me how nice and how god it was and as for me; i believe Akbar is kinda good when it comes to commenting movies an such - and yeah, it proves alrite. Pensil is another low-budget kinda movies, directed by M. Subash (dun ask me - i am not sure who he is), and he acted in it as well as a one mentally retarded boy (and dammit, it was sooo real!!) - its a must see, bet my arse on it. its about a mental-retarded boy named Badrul - sort like a mistake to his diabetic-ridden mum.but he's full of love, kind-warm hearted, respect org tua and many more qualities dat non-physical handicap ppl jst cldnt careless of havin. i am no shy to confess dat i did shed some tears.. yeah - i cried. so wat? wld dat makes me less gentle-man? heh. go to hell wit dat bloody tot. dah sdey - nanges lar..
no lunch ari neh.. early dis morn - we went for a hiking up to Bukit Jambul.. heh, pancit jgk aku.. sket je la.. (nak jugak!!). but aku espect Akbar - steady sajork.. tp - bley la, aku jog jer and he was like hiking up everyday.. mana bley amek kira!! i did snapped few pictures. nanti dah balik Ipoh and got ample time - aku upload la eh.
aku realised yg Mat Motor's blog was removed from dis cyberworld. no longer exist. it was kinda sad, really.. i mean - blog dia dah not existed anymore, yeah. i gez i knew wats the reason was.. but - i wish i cld say 'stay' but i know who i am and where i stand. bro, do wat u shld do. and i know u'd do it well.. and aku mintak maaf dat aku dah removed yr url from the page - i gez we gotta move on wit life, somehow or rather.
i'll be writin more. no such a post/week as Mat Motor was sayin. i love writin. and dis is the only way i am ventilatin, sharin my tots. u hate it, u like it.. its like - u wanna read it, go ahead. u hate it - i'll jst standin in still, definitely!! heh.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
in Penang - shall be leavin for Ipoh trow. i had a great time, alrite. a real one. tho sometimes i was kinda wonderin wat on earth i am doin in ere - wit someone else's kinda thang - but i gez i am bein ok wit it - i gez i am gettin strong, i am able to put aside between 2 different thg. i am around wit nice ppl wit brains - and it really bring me to kinda live, alrite. nice conversation. nice bits to think over. and such thg like dat.
watched Sepi wit Akbar dis evenin - wantin to watch it badly but i din get the chance - it was like.. dammit, i shldve watched it long time ago!! i must agree wit Akbar - Sepi is really much better then Cinta. and for those u yet to watch it - or may be hate watchin Malay movies - try dis one.. u'd love it. or even u mght be cryin for it, indeed.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
finally. i was like shait on it last whole nite - and finally, today - yeah, today - i cld see the lite at the end of the tunnel. its not like i aint lookin out for it - for the truth. i did. but - i was so helpless dat i din know where to turn to, wat to hold on to - until today - the truth came in to me, jst like dat. Maha Suci Allah for all dis to happen. i never hope i'd come to a conclusion. not dat i want myself like forever hangin endlessly. the truth is - i was lookin for dat conclusion long time ago, so dat i'd go on wit my own life, in my own way. i was tryin so hard dat i started feelin numb, i dunno wats the point in doin so any longer.. until today - finally - when i was nearly get over it, and thgs came up to the surface wit facts dat hurt so damn fuckin much, yet clearin up my chest so damn well.
to whom dis may concern -
i never regret stumbled into u. i never regret fallin for u. knowin u was one of the best moment in life dat i am still cherish it well, up to now. but then again - knowin u taught me a lot of thgs; how to deal wit such a liar. how to deal wit a sweet fuckin talker like u, and how to read ppl well enuff - so dat i wont buy their pretty sweet shait any longer. i got enuff of bein fool one time. bein fooled by u. i tot i've done all out for u - my time, my energy and such (many more, of coz - but i aint gonna wash yr dirty linen in ere, buddy).. coz it aint me anyway. after u think dat i cant giv u more than wat u want - u dumped me for another fuckin guy - and makin my life so bloody miserable, upside down - lookin for answers - y, how and such. lookin for some explainations. u knw i cant bare wit it. u jst knew it alrite. and u kept playin the game well. i aint dat strong. i was nobdy to compete wit dat bloody fucked-up guy. and i walked away. ppl said if u love somebdy - u gotta let it free. and dats wat i do. i tot i'd do u good. i tot i'd gave u enuff, ample space for u to be wat u want, for u to grab wat u want in other's life. for u to breath. but unfortunately - it wasnt. u go around and tellin shait about me. dat as if i dumped u. dat i dis and dat. makin ppl think dat ur a fuckin angel, and i am bloody rotten brat. how cld u do dis to me? how cld u fuckin do dis to me??
i dunno how i feel rite now. i remember dat i cried like an idiot over it - again and again. and i took more than 4yrs to get over it. more than 4yrs, idiot. and today - i aint sure how i'm feelin. i feel sad. heart-broken. i was a fool. idiot. i wanted to cry and let go - but i jst cant. i feel like i cldnt careless anymore. let it be. if it is meant to be dis way - then it is meant to be dis way. i'll hope no more. no, i wont. i will stop lookin forward to wantin to know about u - from frens, yr blog, yr pages, yr watever fuckin shait it is, anymore. i wont be wanting to call u anymore. let alone hopin u to do so - which literally, i know u wont be doin dat - at all. i wont blame u for all shait u left in my life. i knw i got myslf left to blame. i shldve knwn better. dat i deserve much better than u. and i will stop hopin dat u'll come back to me, God sake. i've been wanting to do all dis thg - all dis while. jst dat i dun hav any clue why shld i do it after all. tell me i am an idiot - but before u jump into a cnclusion - try standin in my shoes, so dat u'll understand how it feels. i realised i din know u well enuff. until today - dat i am.
i believe in Allah SWT. i believe in karma - u do good deeds, u'll get good thgs back in return - somehow or rather. and i believe in wat goes around - will always comes around. u do bad thgs to others - u'll get it too in return. or if its not u - yr family; u got family rite? yr family dat i 'never' met. yr nice sweet mum, yr dad, yr cute bro n sisters.. or may be - yr own family someday. no. dun get me wrong. i wont be prayin bad thgs to u. no i wont. God sake i wont be doin dat. jst dat i want u to know - life's like dat. u wont be a winner - go sellin shaits ere n there, tearin ppl's heart like its a fuckin cheap candy papers, all the fuckin time. one day.. i mean - one day, u'll understand how hard it is. and how bad it is, too.
dis is my final notes about dis. i wont be ramblin anymore about all dis shait. 4 yrs of bulshait. 4 yrs of unknowin. 4 yrs of hopin, prayin. and 4yrs of wastin my whole fuckin time. i din regret it. not a single cent. i learnt a lot. the tricks. the pain. the vain. and i learnt too - how to deal wit such a useless creature, too. and Demi Allah - i wont be waitin for another 4yrs to get rid wit all dis shait off my shoulder, God sake. enuff is enuff.
i wish u well. i wish u find watever u want in life. i wish u world of luck, too. i wish u cld grab watever comes infront of u. i wish u cld hav all the great ppls around - and snatch watever they got - precious thang in their life away wit u - and u'll be proud runnin away and tellin shait about em all. jst like wat u did to me. and i wish u one thg too - i wish u cld jst sit down and think. life is aint an island. i wont be explainin dat - one day.. one sweet day - u'll sit back, think about dis and realised watever u've done to me - ppl before me, ppl after me.. and all those ppl out there.
and today - more than half of the burden i was havin on my shoulder - i wont be keepin it any longer. i am havin a clearer path infornt of me. clearer mind. i hav my own life to live. my own way. witout u. i hav ppl who loves me for wat i am - and not for who i am. i used to love u - even now. but then - now i am not sure if i am, or if i cld, anymore. the truth hurts, but i rather it be hurtin myself now - better than i'm sufferin of the unknowin.
did you sleep on the wrong side
i'm catchin a bad vibe
and it contagious
whats the latest
speak you heart don't bite your tongue
don't get it twisted
don't miss use it
whats your problem lets resolve it
we can solve this
whats the causes
it official, you got issues i've got issues
but i know i miss you
am i supposed to change? are you supposed to change?
who should be hurt, who should be blamed?
am i supposed to change, are you supposed to change? who should be hurt, who should be shamed?
am i supposed to change? are you supposed to change?
who should be hurt and will we remain?
we need a resolution
we have so much confusion
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
somethg went wrong - makes me in a situation dat i hate to be in. i din blame anybdy at all - its me yg not dat strong to face all dis bullshait. it makes me travel back in time - and i am feelin pretty numb myself. i've been there - again and again - tot i am strong dat i'll get rid of it; but i am not actually.
i hate ended up my day like dis. i wish i cld do somethg about it. its easy to forgive - but i wish too, i cld forget. then again - i am jst a plain human bein - of flesh and blood - i know it is a silly excuse.. but again - it wldnt be easy if u went thru shait it yrself, rather u standin by and watched the whole shait happenin. they say time heals the pain - but then, its been yrs now. but i am still feelin it - the anger. hatred. betrayal. damn.
wanna hit the crib now. i hope trow will be a better one.
i am gonna be like 35yo - another 2 months to come. i used to be eager to be in 30's as i tot it'd be hot, sexy. but then - heh, i wasnt any sexy pun.. i gez - aku mmg agree when some ppl said - age is jst a number.. i do change. but not as much as i tot i'd be. so today i am 34yo.. jst like 10 months back la.. i know some of u wld like - heh, ye ke mamat neh 34yo? indeed, i am. last yr i when i hit 33, i really "hit" 33 yeah. i know i aint any longer a young kid - i think i am. and i am too - wasnt lookin forward to growin old, God sake. now dat i am 34.. and about to move into 35.. i cldnt be more optimistic. wats not to love about growin older anyway? heh - i've been thinkin about dis for days now.. i gez, here's my..
Top Ten Kickass Things about Growing Older
- any drinks - i mean, any drinks - keeps gettin thinner..
- loans to repay gettin smaller.. (o yea?)
- hairstyle keeps gettin less critical (hehe..)
- music collection keeps gettin larger (yeah!)
- embarrassments keep turnin into good memories
- good memories keep gettin fonder
- bad memories keep fadin away
- bein cool keeps becomin less important (hows dat?)
- weight keeps becomin a useless number (ni yg aku tak brp setuju.. tp bila fkr2 balik.. heh)
- bonds of love and frenship keep gettin stronger
i am sort of smilin dat i am 34 - turnin 35 soon.. scary it is.. but it wldnt be dat bad, i know. yeah - i know.. somehow. i cant wait till i am.. heh, ridiculous.
a normal day for me - slept early last nite durin the Casino Royale on Star Movies. crawled up, nice peaceful sleepin i had. woke up early - fresh - siap2 pi keje.
aku dilantik as Ketua Pengawas utk exam kali ni - for budak2 tahun 2 sem2.. so its like - tak le teruk sgt keje.. dalm 2 jam je, aku dah free. kalo tak - mau patah kaki aku during dis exam weeks.
think of leavin the office early - for a gym, and jog ptg neh..
Monday, November 10, 2008
so - i am uploadin few pics yg aku kira 'ok larr..' to put up in ere - so dat i cld share the moment wit u ppl. dis was last Saturday - the d-day for me. after all the bloddy hassle and such - finally aku get over it, damn well. i did enjoy myself. and i blve the stndts too. i owe em dinning out, dammit. matilemekkering! hahaha.. 30 org, uols! heh.
..and the gals - they were like.. 'sir, jgn luper snap pic kitorg byk2 eh!!'. heh. pre-session. u cld see the nervousness in each faces. let alone mine!! and i wont show it ere, God sake.
since i am sooooo much in love wit dis Monday - today, i was like smilin like nbdy biz. Mr Bong asked me wats wrong. Ajak noted dat too.. Hafiz said aku angau. Izzah was like' 'ko ni pehal?'. heh - salah ke aku senyum2 on a Monday mornin? to tell u the truth - aku love dis day. i mean - Monday it is. and it is today lah!! keje2 aku byk dah settle. i wont be runnin around like kucing nak terberak anymore.
around 11am - aku went off to Medan Gopeng. cari tiket. gotta be in Penang dis weekend, for a reason. i mean it - for a reason (and it aint for fun, eh!). kuar je dr Medan Gopeng ekspres terminal - aku ternampak McD nyer buidling tersergam indah. immediately i had dis adrenaline rushin all over my body - i feel like havin dis strong urge to stop and grap watever they had there.. tapi kena u-turn la plak.. and it aint a weekend.. heh - who cares? hehe.. so aku turn the steering, make a u-turn, parked my car n hit the counter.. yeap - my usual thang.. Double Cheese Burger, french fries, Ribena.. off aku tersandar kenyang. hehehe.. asked me if i feel guilty about it - the answer is NO. its such a satisfaction, i am tellin u. to break the rules once in a blue moon. so ptg ni - time to hit the gym, jog like.. double? heh.
sampai ofis around 12.30pm.. most of member tak der - confirm ngulat. aku rasa ngantuk la plak.. ni yg aku mencek neh!!
me and my Doble Cheese Burger.. heh - wrinkles kah iteww? euw!
in the office now - wat a week! finally aku cld jst place my sweet arse rite on my sweet chair - doin my own thang. the convo is over - as for me Mr Balachi yg menjaga choir - i think i've been doin a good job.. lgpun on dat day - aku cover choir sesi pagi je.. ptg - Taiping took cover.. so around ptg - tak sempat pun the sesi done - aku dah balik rumah!! aku penat giler. and around 6pm - aku off balik kg.. penat2, gigih drive.. since A) lama sgt dah tak jumpak parent, my mini monsters.. rindu aarrr.. B) lama sgt dah tak mkn mum's cookin.. C) dah dkt a week aku tak mkn nasik.. (bley?).. D) aku jst need sometime to do a real lepak-king around!! a real one, heh!.. so around 8pm lbey - aku smpai kg. God knows how it feels.
aku received quite a lot of sms dis mornin - stdnts r sittin for their papers startin today - so they was like mintak maaf la, mintak halal ilmu la, halal makan minum la (heh, ada kaitan eh?), askin for some sort of wishin for world's of luck la, and so much more.. so aku replied la mana yg sempat.. kalo tak - if u guys (my students) who read dis - well - all the very best. strive yr very fcukin best then! huhu..
i am glad life back to routine. i hate routine anyway - but i jst love it dis way.. tak bz sgt, tak lepak sgt.. esok aku start takin care of few papers, and coupla weeks from now - i'll be in KL.
i got few pics waktu konvo.. nanti2 la aku upload. mls la pulak. heh.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
think i started feel damn exhausted. with in dis coupla days - aku only managed to spent for about 2hrs back at home - and balik rumah balik for a crash around 12am - off back to the ofc aorund 6.45am.. i know it dat dat bad to compare wit some of the ppl out there - but as for me.. heh. i think dis is so not my kinda life la.. selagi tak selesai din konvo thang on dis comin 8hb, aku rasa mcm ni le.
choir smlm was gettin better. i managed to get Mr Meor - one of our most busiest vocal trainer around to conduct n givin sort of tips to the boys/gals.. so aku cuma berdiri kat tepi, lookin at him doin his wonders.. and the boys/gals too r gettin better. thank God - tiber2 rasa mcm berlatih vokal dlm AF plak.. ahaks. so Akbar - u better watch out.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Nokia N80 aku wat hal lagik.. kalo tak fikir aku syg sgt handphone neh.. (since it was the most expensive b'day present aku pernah dpt in life - last 2006) - nak je aku beli or tukar baru jer.. but aku neh jenis tak reti nak pakai byk2 henpon.. satu pun dah tak terkejar.. baru je kuar bengkel last 3 days (since terjatuh on the stairs kat gym) - screen terus hilang mcm tu jer.. ari neh - the screen was like.. jap ader, jap tak der..
i think i started to feel dat i am gettin enuff wit all dis shait. imagine - now aku pakai henpon selims sajork (as wat Akbar said! heh).. aku nyer PDA mana aku letak eh..
it wasnt a good start for me - for the whole week indeed. yesterday was a hectic day - i only managed to settle down at home, 10mins before midnite, after attendin few after 5 nyer affairs. latihan koir (can u believe it or not!!) for convo - aku kena coach.. dr 8pm up to 11pm aku kat kolej.. thank God i din do anythg much - aku had coupla stdnts yg ok-la dlm atur2 vokal neh..
and remember kes yg telan Panadol tu? dat gal was referred to me. i was like - 'fuck!'. she aint much to be counsel - she's an attention seeker n havin sort of behavior probs. and dats not even half of it - got another one.. a gal wit positive UPT - wit no proper man in her life - also sent to me for counseling. Izzah said - semlm, sent for a formal check up - sunddenly dah negative.. and do u know wats dat mean? abortion. dammit.
life's full of shait. enuf wit mine - i hardly take anymore. for the time bein. i used to be alrite wit all dis - but lately - i gez as if i am losin my grip. i cant concentrate. i cant focus.
a hectic month for me. feel like leavin for Penang - but i cant find a perfect time. wkend ni convo. 11 up to 20 bdk2 dah start exam, 24 above - for about 2wks i am goin to be in KL for marking.
i seriously think, i deserve to hav a break.
i am not sure of wat i am goin thru - it aint good, alrite. yet - i jst cant help it tho. each time i remember about it, i got dis gush feelin of blood rite down to the tummy - leavin sort of mammoth rite in it. i keep on thinkin about it - and it suffocates me rite. i miss it dearly. but i cant make it too obvious for i know my stance pretty well. or - may be i knew the stance damn pretty well, yet again i keep on playin the shait well dat it tremendously hurts me.
ppl said i u better say it out. at least if ur rejected - u've done yr part well. and so dat u can move on wit life. but i am not sure where is it in my case then - said it out loud, made it clear enuff - but i got no proper stance where i was like - 'wat the hell went wrong? wat shld i do then' kinda thang.
may be life's for me is like dat. i tend to fall for someone's else. and i cant help it when dat particular person is treatin me damn fuckin nicely - i simply get drifted away. said life shldve less expectation - but in dis case - dammit -i am tellin myself a damn white lie. but i jst cant help it. i jst cant fuckin help it, God sake.
God knows how it hurts inside.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
..suddenly the whole thg left me wit kinda big hollow hole in my life - dat i am not sure of wat i shld be doin at time like dis.. as if aku lupa plak wats the activity i hav been doin all dis while, before aku started bergelut wit all the papers..
after the gym/jog ptg tadik.. aku balik n Magrib - off aku pi Tesco for buyin coupla thgs needed - brg2 dapor n such.. back home - aku was like.. heh, nak watpe eh? i dun feel like doin the idiotbox.. so aku mandi n mght be crawlin up the crib la kot, soon.. nak qado all the sleepless nites katernyer..
esok dah Isnin. and its gonna.. heh - i hate Monday. wld it be nice if everyday, is a Sunday?
dah lama i din put up any pics in ere.. i supposed i was pretty darn bz to do so. and aku neh - most of the time ikut mood jgk.. kalo aku rajin and really got nothg to do - i mght as well do it la.. so - today, since exam dah abes, and aku was so damn like - heh, wat to do eh? kinda thang like dat - aku decided to put up these pics taken durin lunch time wit a mate - post-exam thang.
i was so damn hungry by the time aku done wit the 2 papers back to back.. imagine - 9 am shoot up to 1pm, shait!! kematu dubur aku sey!! and let alone sejuk gilerr.. biru pucat tangan2 aku - thank God aku tergerak nak pakai pull-over, so - tak la sejuk sgt.. but then - sejuk still weh!!
so dis is wat had for the lunch.. a beef meat ball spagetti. shut up - its weekend. i shld deserve to eat wat i wanna eat. after all - its kinda celebration - paper dah abes siot!! it cost me rm8 sajork.. bley la.. tp aku rasa kalo aku masak, lagik best!! hehe
mee goreng mamak. tp bukan mamak yg goreng pun, nama je mee goreng mamak.. hold on - dun get me wrong - dis was aint mine!! ni member aku punya.. sedap jugak. dia asyek sound aku since spagetti aku dah abes - aku kept on cilok all the ingredients - ayam la, sotong la, fish cake la, apa la.. heh.
and dis is is - the Restoren Laksama Cheng Ho, located rite around the GreenTown Biz Center.. kinda nice. food ok la. harga pun ok.. service so so.. aku got not much to complain. kalo korang dtg Ipoh - aku bley je bawak sini. hehehe
and its me - in my rugby pull-over. wit a smile, nampak gigi. heh - lapang kapla otak, mlm ni nak tido awal.. esok dah keje.
dis is goin to be it.. the last day. the final one. i mean - the last fuckin day of my disastrous moment in life. i hate it yeah - but as if i had any choice to ramblin about. i cant help to feel anxious to get all over dis, really. but then - today is the last day.. and i am like havin 2 papers again back to back. prepare ke aku? heh - at least i went thru em all!! but then - how prepare aku neh? owh, shut up!!
gotta move. will see u ppl after the after-math. heh.
aku terlajak tdo - tdo lewat jgk semlm instead.. Izzah called me up regardin one of the girls back in the hostel takin more Panadol then she needed to - around 50tabs!! heh - i din deal wit the case before, but now, dammit - i am officially involved. its about a girl, a boy, attention, frustration and such. cldnt they do somethg good for life? erm - shldnt say dat. i am doin the 'judgin' thang now. and it aint cool yeah.
aku still ngantuk ni, actually. wit Usher stuffed up my ears, a bit of Ne-Yo - aku forced myself doin the readin thang. been thru em all pun actually - cuma nak refresh balik.. best plak listenin to Usher at time bein like dis. errmm..
i jst want to finish dis all - and jump back to the crib. mengantuk lar..
Saturday, November 1, 2008
3rd paper at 9am. supposedly done at 11am - 10.15am aku dah walk out of the hall. bley? i am not sure as if i was rite or not - but deep inside - aku pueh ati ari neh.
so ere i am again - another 2 papers to go. and peh tu - yezaaaa..
We Belong Together
I didn't mean it
When I said I didn't love you so
I should have held on tight
I never should've let you go
I didn't know nothing
I was stupid
I was foolish
I was lying to myself
I couldn't have fathomed that I would ever
Be without your love
Never imagined I'd be
Sitting here beside myself
'Guess I didn't know you
'Guess I didn't know me
But I thought I knew everything
I never felt
The feeling that I'm feeling
Now that I don't
Hear your voice
Or have your touch and kiss your lips
'Cause I don't have a choice
Oh, what I wouldn't give
To have you lying by my side
Right here, 'cause baby
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back baby please, 'cause
We belong together
Who else am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me on the phone
Till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place?
There ain't nobody better
Oh baby, baby
We belong together
I can't sleep at night
When you are on my mind
Bobby Womack's on the radio
Singing to me
'If you think you're lonely now'
Wait a minute
This is too deep, too deep
I gotta change the station
So I turn the dial
Trying to catch a break
And then I hear Babyface
I only think of you
And it's breaking my heart
I'm trying to keep it together
But I'm falling apart
I'm feeling all out of my element
I'm throwing things
Trying to figure out
Where the hell I went wrong
The pain reflected in this song
Ain't even half of what
I'm feeling inside
I need you
Need you back in my life baby
When you left
I lost a part of me
It's still so hard to believe
Come back, baby, please, 'cause
We belong together
Who am I gonna lean on
When times get rough?
Who's gonna talk to me
Till the sun comes up?
Who's gonna take your place?
There ain't nobody better.
Oh baby, baby
We belong together