Saturday, September 27, 2008

chiao!



i am done wit the packin. tot the car wld be alrite - dammit it ended up so packed up wit.. i am not sure wat. nvm i supposed.. dis is gonna be like once a year only.. dis is definitiely not the way aku do the balik kg - most of the time.


supposely bertolak at 10am.. but i am takin my sweet time. bgun pun lambat, sahur nyaris2 miss.. watdya expect. aku rasa jalan wldnt be dat jam kot ari ni - since raya is still coupla days to come pun..


Kelantan? huwaaaa..


dats about it. i am leavin. nice journey to all of u yg will do the balik kg thinggie.. as for me - do pray i'll be back in one piece, ya!!


love u, ppl. again - SALAM EID'UL MUBARAK.


salam.


Friday, September 26, 2008

eid'ul mubarak..






ramadhan is comin towards the end.. in coupla days to come - we r all goin to celebrate Eid'ul Fitr al Mubarak. i remember how i was so anticipatin for such day when i was a kid - and even now, i am still lookin forward for it.. but less like those were the days larr.. as for me - it is a special day. its not about the food - its about the bonding, the gatherin dat makes me kinda cant wait for it.. mum as usual will definitely masak all the special dishes (her speciality - rendang tok.. which was like.. damn!!). we used to 'kacau dodol' (dad wld 'asked' us to gilir2 kacau the dodol.. and its sickenin!).. but now - no more. dad's gettin old, and most of us - the sibblings r occupied wit lot of thgs.. aku ingat how we used to plan to do the kacau dodol thg again - among adik beradik - ended up tak jadik.. puasa je pakat melepek.. let alone lepas berbuka - sumer jadik ular sawa. heh..



dis Eid'ul Fitr wldnt be the same - kak yang is not around. the whole family of her. she cldnt make it back in ere - for some reasons. UK is not like Ulu Dedap - Ipoh which.. w'pun jalan seksa nak sampai Ipoh.. u'll definitely smpai jgk.. kak yang will celebratin Eid'ul Fitr there.. while we r ere at the side of the world.. and yeah - definitely, mak akan menangis as usual since sorang anak dia not around.. ermm..



i'll be headin Kelantan trow morn. around 10am.. whole family will be there, gather together before we come back to Perak on 2nd hari raya.. i'll fill up my tummy wit tapai.. tapai and more tapai!! ur not gonna get tapai on Hari Raya - like in Kelantan. weird. but its true. hehe



so ppl out there.. for those i've met, for those i knew.. and those i never meet yet still close at heart - i am wishin u SELAMAT HARI RAYA EID'UL FITR, semoga Allah merahmati kalian dgn limpah kurnianya, InsyaAllah. and di kesempatan ini, aku nak jgk susun sumer jari2 aku neh - mohon maaf atas salah silap, tutur bahasa, tingkah laku or watever not yg directly or indirectly nyakitkan ati ke, haper ke.. forgive me, for God sake.





dats about it, i think!










to the office today - gotta lots of thang yg aku missed since dah about a week aku cuma dropped in and off je kat office neh - w/o takin most of the thang seriously (since aku doin my clinical teachin). latest news - few of my seniors dah dpt re-shuffle.. it means - naik pangkat la.. Mr Zafri will be in Alor Star as a Timb Pengarah there, Mr Yong in Seremban for the same post and Mr Amir will be in KL as.. somethg else. i gez they suits it well.. 3 of em ni jenis they know wat r they doin - at the rite place, at the rite time.. so all the best la.. so again - the organization will be changin, again. heh.



enuff of it. i bet i'll be stayin the same la kot - for a coupla yrs to come.. i yet ready to face any changes drastically at time bein. all i knw - lps mesyuarat pengurusan ari neh, i'll be headin to Hosp. Ipoh again to see the stdnts.. for the final day seblm they (and me, too) off to raya's long holidays..



not in a real rite mood to work. aku dah separuh badan kat kampung - in a holiday mood, to be precise. Ajak dah start cuti (gampang! cakap keje..). Apiz plak muka mcm tapai je dtg keje. heh - i gez everybdy pun mcm aku la kot..


trow i'll be headin back to Kelantan. i dun really wanna think about it, really.. coz it'd be.. u knw wat i mean.






Thursday, September 25, 2008



i think i am gettin better. i know - its like a glimpse of the eyes - and ere i am claiming dat 'i am gettin better', sounds like a foolish - but its ok. but the truth is - i do think i am gettin ok. the sore is still there - i am hurt still, inside. then again - there's nothg much dat i can do.. i got myself left to blame.. and i failed dis time around. i always blve in its better me to dump someone before i got dumped - but dis time around; i was left high n dry.. jst like dat.




i still had dis tendency to wait for somethg dat can make smile, hopin for somethg - which lately i found.. i am not sure wat i am really waitin for. it hurts alrite. but i gez the sooner i realize how stupid i am the better it'd be. life gotta go on. i cant live like dis.. the uncertainty really drive all the shait out of me. i still breathin at least. i got frens. i got my whole life alrite wit me still. i got my whole family and such.. thank God.




i still feel kinda numb - but i am gonna be ok. i'll be alrite. dis is only a crush. infatuation. i am not really in love. dis is just another hit and run kinda feelin dat usually comes around, hittin at everybdy's door.. and off in no time at all. i am not in love. i am trully not in love. dis is jst a lust. passion. and it is definitely not a ferkin love.





say wat ever u wanna say. suprised yrself if u feel like to. but i trully believe i deserve better in life.




really.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008








i am so ashamed of myself. i feel damn alone, rejected. i feel as if there's a big hole inside of me, i feel cold and numb. i am not sure of wat i am doin - or wat shld i been doin; for all dis thgs r so damn sudden and it ripped the shait out of me - jst like dat. a month back i was a happy man - as if i got it all - u name it, i hav it kinda thang - now in a blink of time; i am on my face rite on the ground. shame on me.




shldve seen thgs comin. shldve read between the line. shldve known better.. i know i do deserve better than dis. i know shldnt be treated like rubbish - like dis; but i gez dis is all my solely fault. i cant be selfish - know the other person alrdy had someone's special - tho i've heard the words like 'takin chances', 'takin risk' watever fcukin sweet words it is.. i shldve known better. dammit - i shld hav known better..




i feel so vulnerable inside. i tot after 5yrs i've been keepin to myself - wit the tot of i'd find s'thg good in life - i gez i started losin touch. i jst dunno wats good in it - anymore.




how cld dis happenin to me? wats wrong wit me? wats my lackin? am i wasnt dat good enuff?





*sigh*




Monday, September 22, 2008




suddenly i feel so darn ashamed of myself - i know we r not gonna get most of the thgs we r all out for, most of the time - but then again i am just a flesh and blood..

its a mistake i kept on doin - over and over again.

i dun feel like doin anythg at all now. i jst wanna head my crib well.

shait.





'that' thang..






they say - it doesnt matter if u win or lose - its how u play the game dat really matters. but as for me - i call it bullshait on dat. coz as for me - it's all about the winnin. and dats all dat matters, really. and it IS the object of all games, God sake.




i am not sure as if ur agree wit it - but dats wat i've been thinkin. for dis coupla days back - i got my head fixed on one thang. and dat one thing really torture me like shait. i know i am back on the 'game thang' which i was in once - then lost faith over it. and now i am not sure as if i am back to play it well, or i am back jst to be a part of it - so dat i can assure the adrenaline dat once there; is still intact and i am jst wanna make sure dat i am still excited for it. or am i jst - try playin safe, so no one wld got hurt. and surely hell enuff - i dun feel like takin risk; coz i cant afford to get hurt, no more.




i knew i had a great time wit Syah n KC durin the weekend in KL - but it din help me to get rid of this thing. i remember Syah told me 'if i were u - i'd be thinkin twice' yeah rite. but then - i yet do anythg wrong.. the infatuation drove me fcukin high - i was kinda enjoyin it - then again, i hate myself for bein apart of dis. i am not sure where i am headin, i dun even think there'll be a promisin somethg infront of me, even. and as i said before - i've been thru dis shait before; shldve been better handlin all dis. but again - how cld i resist? Ajak told me not to play wit fire (tho he vaguely know wats wrong wit me).. and he told me not to be a silly man get trapped wit all dis mushy mushy thinggie. but then - again - how cld i resist?




call me idiot. call me stupid. call me useless or watever comes in yr mind. unless u've been thru wat i am thru now - u'd be smilin, thinkin of me - how foolish of bein me, really.




but thgs r started to change tune now - i think. ever since aku balik dr KL neh - i do believe thgs r a bit slow now.. and i am wonderin. i wanna know wats the answer - of why, wat and such.. but then - somehow; i do believe sometimes thgs r better left unanswered. theres too many thgs lingered around in my head now - the possibilities, assumptions and such - but i am tryin so damn fcukin hard to push em aside for i refused to hate dat person really.. but at the same time - i do believe we do hav not much thg in common - except for some lust and passion; yet not the so-called 'love' thang.





dammit. is dis wat life is?


post-weekend syndrome.



came in the office pretty early - aku got 2hrs to run for the talk wit PostBasicPHC; regardin the PsychoSocial Rehab. kinda thang.. heh - pe pun tak prepare lagik. basicly aku got all the materials - aku dah siap sebelum aku chow pi KL lagik.. tp aku rasa mcm tak berapa nak 'ready' je lagik. heh..




aku still rasa mcm mengantuk je neh.. maklum la - during the weekend at Syah's place.. aku tdio smpai tghari most of the 2 days.. and kat KL plak cuaca wasnt dat bad - tak panas, tak sejuk (a bit og bahgang je, i think) tak mcm kat Ipoh neh..




i had a very nice weekend, indeed. Syah's and his hsmate nyer hospitalility, KC nyer ronda2 bwk kuar sahur, keje aku yg went on smoothly (dat aku able to excuse on Sunday so dat aku tak yah bgun awal.. hehe) and the journey yg bagi aku - kinda nice too. wish aku cld stay a bit longer. basicly kepala hotak aku still there in KL. at least ada kwn.. errrmm.. pathetic it is.




gotta rush. life's back on the fast track.




heh.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Berbuka..

in Sunway Pyramid. The initial plan 4 b'buka - Wendy's, since lama sgt aku dok tringat nak mkn kat situ. Syah is fine wit it, and i am so freakin glad. We stroll arnd.. and arnd.. and arnd.

Finally ere we are - kat Deli Nasi Lemak yg kat luar, nampak ok. Tp dah ada kat dalam - heh, mls nak ckp. Tmbh2 ada plak 2 creatures yg make us both rasa mcm - huargkh!

The reason y we r ere instead of Wendy's - for lupa nak pi bookin tmpt. Bley?

Huargkh!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

wat a day - aku got a lect for 2hrs.. early in the morn (thank God - dat was the nice 2 hrs i got for the day, today) on topic of How To Build Self-Esteem.. i had a nice response from the participants, lots and lots of questions when the i opened up the floor for Q&A session. and then - i gotta run back to the hospital.. for my routine. aku penat sgt ari neh.. aku sahur - indeed. tp may be cuaca yg terik Ya Rabbani - makes me like.. heh, tgk pt had lunch pun enuff makin me mcm nak sawan je..


finally - lepas lect tadik - aku off to Medan Gopeng jap.. amek tiket tros pegi balik Ipoh-KL KL-Ipoh.. senang citer. most probably i'll be reachin Pudu around 6pm le kot..

Wednesday, September 17, 2008






gotta be in KL dis weekend - tho i hate the idea.. but theres coupla thgs yg buatkan aku eager for the whole thang.. hehehe



then again - i wont be drivin. and no - i wont be goin wit Apiz either. aku naik bus je.. senang! poser2 neh..




sorry.




"u r so complicated man!".. this what my heart says after i recieved comment from Shahe this morning. i dunno what's wrong with him but i dare not to reply cuz i might say nasty things to him when i got offended. yes it's true i mad at him now but i know he is my good fren. i appreciate the frenship. for me having ppl like him around is a blessing. it just that sumtimes he is so unpredictably sensitive for no reasons. i admit, it cud be me who makes a mistake first by posting a comment to him doubting bout how he ranks me in his fren's list. but it was nothing but just a joke. i din mean anything. just a normal joke to break the ice. but when he replied to me that way, i feel distracted. a big distraction to me. well, fren is fren, apology is always with them. now what shall i do, a silence probably a saver for a day. "man.. u'r still my fren undeniably, crazily and uglily.. even though u r so fucking irresistably infuriating sumetimes".. i hope u r not doin this as an objection to whatever life fated on me. but i noticed ur status now is "in the relationship" as well. ahaaaa.. wanna share the story? wanna share?..(but i still feel ur reply is rude, harsh, unsensitive, unconsiderate, unwit and tearing-me-up)

.."




well, wat can i say. i am sorry Aizat. it was a fool of me, indeed. i wasnt dat 'clear' in dat particular time.. tho i knw it was not a proper excuse dat i shld cling on.



i am sorry.







selamat bersahur!!

(tho the bersahur time is up alrdy!!)






Tuesday, September 16, 2008

..




does it looks familiar? nah - we r not workin for the ferry company.. we were jst planned for it well.. on 2003/4 i think.. wit Man, Roza, Azry.







me, Man and Azry - in Istana Kuala Kangsar..




found these above pics somewhere in my small library.. i packed it nicely inside the cabinet. i wonder y i din put it in the album - coz i remember i did once before.. now it was all packed up in a small paper bag.. together wit coupla old stuff in a small box.


it was yrs back. i had a great time then. great frens.. they r still - indeed. Roxa get married to Man, Azry/Faridah - i am not sure their whereabout.. but i bet they r doin well wit life..


kinda melancholic tonite. got lot of thgs stuffed in my own head - yet i cant figure it out.. let alone to sort it out, well.








hope.





i keep on tellin myself - 'stay low, put less hope, dun go for a damn high expctation..' dats wat i've been sayin to myself all dis while - for the past coupla days. i'm in a beautiful mood, wonderful - thgs around me seems to be so damn nice - i know it is all for a reason. they say u'll be sort of 'high' and thgs wld be seein as if r damn good - and if ur too much into it and get carried away; i think i dun hav to elobrate much about it.. everybdy knows the consequences damn well.



but dats wat i am goin thru now. everybdy wants a beautiful life. and so do i. everybdy wants to be in a great life - dammit; i am too. but then again - i am not too sure of wat i am gettin in now. is dis goin to be another fake, false hope - dat'll held u high n suddenly - drop u into pieces?


no - i dun wanna go thru it well, again. not anymore. i hate runnin around and around - in the same pace, and in the same path - again and again.


but dis all r too nice for me. how cld i resist?


God.







morn!





woke up pretty late - i was tumblin upside down between sahur-tido balik-bgun balik kinda thang.. and my head started to spin around like nbdy biz. heh.. shldve sleep early semlm.. but to tell the truth - semlm was the first nite aku was able to sit infront of the idiot-box for hrs, killin time.. and then i realized i was like 'whoaaa.. dah lama tak tgk tv neh!'.. kinda thang. i gez i missed a lot of thg. berita la, movies in the box la, documentaries la, apa la..


shall be leavin for work now. headin to the hosp straight. malas nak singgah2 ofis. kalo singgah - sure tak jadik keje.


i gez i shall catch u ppl, later2 lah eh..

Monday, September 15, 2008

in.fa.tu.a.tion





i gez dats wat i am feelin know. i know how i feel alrite - but i hate to confess dat - dis kinda mushy mushy feelin in me - dammit; dari dulu lagik i hardly recognize it well.


dis time around - i dun wanna be another fool. i am feelin nice alrite. feelin great. each time my phone screamin shit sayin dat 'sir, u got a msg' kinda thang - i'd be smilin like a crazy owl. trust me - i've been there, done dat - for quite sometimes, again and again. and dis time around - again. i hate to prepare myself for all the consequences dat it may brings me. i hate to prepare myself to 'dump' someone earlier, rather than me myself get dumped. i know it sounds pretty idiot and bloody rough, crazy - but i gez dats the way life is. i've been dumped, flat on the ground dat i've to bangun senirik - its a damn fcukin thang dat i refused to face it again.


its ok - its a infatuation. it is sooooooo fcukin in.fa.tu.a.tion.. i DO believe it is another bloody infatuation. i am not in love - it is so fcukin wrong to be in love; when u know the other half is alrdy havin half-half wit someone else. its a pahit fact for me, really. but - do i hav a choice.


yeah - rite. i always get wat i want. really. wat if i really want it - y should i giv a fcuk whom or wat the other half is bein wit, anyway? i know wat i want. and i know wat i want in my own bloody life. but then - dis is different. and nah - its so fcukin selfish. i dun think i got guts to do dat.


but then - wat shld i do? layan je? pretendin dat i am happy floatin on the cloud 9, tak payah turun2 lagik dah? dats so fcukin idiot.


dammit.



self.

razak my office-mate was kinda down today - he was called by the boss for some reason (i aint really wanna know wats the reason was), and razak said he was kinda 'stress' over it.. of course he did tell me hell yeah - wat it was all about. its about xpectation, role-model etc etc.. i din say it was wrong for someone superior from us to hav sort of expectation in u. dats a normal thg larr.. but to change yrself, solely for the xpectation; i dunno. it is kinda hard, of course. it mght takes time. and dats i told him. as aku selalu ckp - changes is somethg every ppl hate. ppl hate of changin - esp bila dah selesa of wat u hav, of wat ur, of wat u do etc. changes will take time. we change if we hav the kesedaran towards it. and somehow - if its for good; then we hav to work for it.. no matter how long it'll takes. but never change for somebdy else. or for someone tell u - dat u hav to change. or when u din really wanna change (or ur not ready for changes), and u change for someone say u hav to. it'd be disaster, i suppose. i dunno - i do think so. i mean - i do believe so.


i think i prefer to be wat i am now. i am comfortable for bein and doin wat i am doin now.. as long as i din go xcross the line, as long as i din break any rules, as long as i din set a bad example for the stdnts - i think i'd do fine. i am wat i am. i do wat i hav to do.. and i be wat i shld be - the best dat i can. i aint good i know it hell yeah - but i am workin towards it. it is hard to be a good role model, when ur not even selected to be the Next American Top Model. erk - u know wat i mean.


and dats wat i told to him. i do hope he'll be strong. tho i was kinda senior to him; i know how it feels - becoz i've been thru it all before.


afterall, life is a journey itself. we live life. and we learn. a good role model aint hav to be dat bldy perfect too.. i blve ppl will respect when ur bein true to yrself.. not bein someone else other than u; when dat somebdy else wants u to be dat someone else.


*sigh* i gez dats wat life is.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

..



one thg in life - if u get the chance of tellin the one dat u love; dat u really do love him/her very much - u better do so. as much as u can. or as much as u want. becoz when ur, and u r not doin dat - when u lose the chance of doin it; u'll be in a deep regret then. i dunno - but dats wat i think. at least; dats wat i feel. i hav so many regrets now. i shld've done a lot of thang. i din read thgs well. the signs. i was so blinded, believe dat someone will always be mine; no matter i do or not tell him/her dat i really do him/her so very much.. i was so stupid for taking things for granted. nothg last forever. and nothg wld be yrs for the rest of yr life. but i gez when u hav somethg rite in grasp, rite in yr palm well - u really shld address the feelin. let the other half know how u feel towards him/her. make him/her happy listenin to it. and make him/her convince dat ur sayin so rite from the bottom of yr solely heart.

i know i gotta carry on wit life. but somehow - dis kinda regrets keep on comin back and hit u like nobdy cares, and leavin u in wonder and the tots of 'i shldve done better' etc etc.. i gez u ppl know how it feel. yeah - i shldve done better. i shldve done a lot more better than dat, really. but life is not like a Papermate Liquid Paper dat u can simply erase the whole thang, and start the other whole new thang. no matter how u try to forget thgs, no matter how good u supress the whole shyte; one day it'll pop up back to the surface - and all u can do is to endure the pain and swallow the whole shyte rite in.

erm - can i reformat the whole thang? and restart?


i am not sure wat i am sayin - but i gez dats wat botherin me - deep inside.



wats the story - Sunday (glory)..




nice Sunday - woke up late after sahur and Subuh - i was wonderin wat to do.. finally decided for a PC Fair ere in Ipoh over Stadium InderaMulia. as expected - the crowd was like.. fcuk!! payah sgt nak cari car park.. let alone to enjoy while doin the watchin dis and dat pre-shoppin. sesak giler.. after got wat i want - aku trus blah, singgah Tesco jap for coupla thgs, incldg barang2 dapor.. i was wonderin wat for berbuka too.. a typical Sunday, i assumed.

Rahim - my fellow stdnt yg genius in setting up pc, internet n such - came in to fix coupla thgs. finally aku nyer router dah bley pakai!! and for yr info - i am updatin dis downstairs, while the router kat bilik study - upstairs. wah! riak sket. bley? alhamdulillah la.. he fixed the manual password to auto-login, set the router, format my lappy back to Vista (yes!!), installed coupla new thgs - tadaaaaaaaaaaa.. and i am set for the virtual world, again.. (pathetic, it seems).

Saturday, September 13, 2008

on Damia's big day..



the grandmother - or my mommy.. hehe




tempting, i know..





Damia and Hazwan - her bf to be.. hehe.. same age.




ayam panggang for nasik ayam - heh, lapaQ arr..




Damia doin her thang..




ummi, can i do it again? and again? and again? and again.. again




Damia's - sponsored my ummi ngah & family




Areeyna wit her rm1.80 version of selfmade card for her sepupu Damia.. nice job, honey!





me and the big boss - daddy aka abah.. Kimie is on my lap!!





the whole family gathered for Damia's 1st DOB - waktu berbuka.. her ummi masak nasi ayam and couple more thgs.. we invited some others too - stdnts, Damia's nanny and coupla others.. i cld see it clearly dah mak and abah were havin a great time too.. and we had a great time, indeed.

Friday, September 12, 2008

Damia's big day!

























faces of Nurul Aqilah Damia - charmin, isnt she?





its 12 Ramadhan.. and its's Nurul Aqilah Damia's day. big day for her. a bigtime. totally major.. and its her 1st Birthday!! (if its Gregorian - it shld be on dis coming 24th Spet. la.. - but the family decided to go thru the Masihi).


i remember a yr back - when her ummi was upside down, strugglin to 'let go'.. tot u'd be comin out to see the world thru SVD - but u were not.. u prefered to be out to the world, thru LSCS.. and yr ummi gotta went thru another 'torture', jst to make sure u'd be alrite.. and i remember hows yr walid was so worried - over every single thang; yr ummi, yr ownself.. wishin n prayin thgs gonna be jst fine. and i remember how yr walid had dis tears rollin down his cheeks by the time seein they push yr ummi to the GOT for dat particular time. and i remember too - how he had dis smiles all thru out the wk - for the whole first week since ur around..


so baby - ur alrdy 1yr old.. or 1 yr 9months, as i always 'told' u. everybdy is so glad wit ur around - u changed lots of lives around u, bringin sunshine, meanin to every single breathe we breath in.. tho i mght not be able to spend dat much time wit u - but havin u around is the best part in life cld be.. i am proud of u, i am proud of every single thang u do. i wish u'll much better than anybdy wld ever think of. semoga menjadi insan yg berguna dunia dan akhirat, insyaAllah.



Happy 1st Birthday, Damia.



love u!




Fry-Day morn.







i was drivin to the office when i was stunned - got my eyes fixed on the above beautiful sunrise.. dat makes me stopped by the roadside and do the thang.. i din even get the hell out of the car - i stay put n snap the pic from my driver seat.
arrived in the office pretty early - as usual. Mr Adnan alrdy there.. was kinda miss my room indeed - got coupla aptment to deal wit today - i hope thgs goin to be fine for me for the whole day, today.
afterall - its TGIF..

Thursday, September 11, 2008





hav you ever truly believed dat you were right yet everyone who cares about you tot you werent? all you want is for ppl to be happy for you yet all you get is rebuke and dire warnings. u've taken a big risk, made a gutsy call, and understand the consequences yet yr loved ones treat you like a reckless dolt. the ones you relied on for support and advice make you feel guilty for doin wat you honestly feel is the rite thang.


hav you ever felt like dat? its debilitating - i am tellin you. y cant those who i loved most just be happy for me - for once and stop with the negativity? i am well aware of what can go wrong.


if you cant be happy for me, then stop trying to make me feel sad.


dat is all.







morning!! it was rainin cats and dogs eversince 4am lagik.. aku bgun sahur - hit the crib back for a while.. woke up for subuh and gettin bz nak pi keje.. but then - aku rasa mls sesgt Ya Rabbi ari neh. rasa mcm nak amek EL sajork. i cld be back jap lagik, nad zzZZZ.. hehe

pe pun - g'mornin!




Wednesday, September 10, 2008







think i am crazy -

seein the phone like every 2secs

wit the hope for a msg or two



i think i am crossin -

from mad to insane

for havin .. in mind all the time

and it really drives me nut, dammit!



for who dat may concern -

i know love is aint blind

and i am the one who's bein blinded anyway

i cld act like a moron

i cld smile from ear to another

seein yr name on the screen



shait -

wat the fcuk ur doin to me?



is dis the so-called lovey dovey thang?

or just another plain infatuation?

i've been ere for so many times - yet;

dammit i am a fool



i am a plain fool.





help me.






sneakin.

aku managed to 'sneak' out today.. reached at the Hosp. Ipoh around 7.15am - aku lepak jap dlm keter.. who goes to the office at dis time anyway (i know i did - but dat was when i was in the college!!).. around 7.45am - aku punched card - suddenly the phone screamed. it was Razak - he needs to be in the college for some reason.. and for some reason too, he wants me to tag along! aku was like.. erk - nak pi ke tak, nak pi ke tak.. nak pi.. aku aku off je jumped into his Grand Livina.. and taraaaa.. ere - i am. in my lovely office. doin.. erk - nothing. huhuhu.. worry not - i'll be back on my 'catwalkin mode' around 10am, afterwards.
aku still feel drowsy, mengantok yg amat.. rasa mcm nak head back home and re-do the crashin thang.. semlm nak kata tido lambat - idak le jugak.. 12.30am aku dah in the crib. but then, aku still mengantok. aku cld hav dis 'tido yg tak lena' le kot.. but then - mandi ttp basah, makan ttp kenyang - far as i concern.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Monday, September 8, 2008

pics..
























these r some of those yg aku snap during the weekend kat kg aku.. lokasi - sekeliling rumah mak ayah aku je, waktu - pagi, around 8am kot..







clinical suxs




me in my white coat - retarded look hell yeah..






aku reached Hosp Ipoh damn early - earlier than i think i shld be. and the stdnts r not in yet! damn - i am not sure wat the hell is wrong wit me.. 'bersemangatkah?' as Razak asked me. idiot. the think is - as far as i concern - aku hate the idea of trappin in the taffic.. since around 7.30 up to 7.45am - everybdy is like rushin like shait to own office.. so - aku kuar awal.. sampai awal pun tak pe. just dat - it is Ramadhan, and i cant lepak2 doin my tea tarik at the cafe. heh.



so i was there - minglin around ward 5D (paed surgical) and 6D (PICU) up and down lookin for my stdnts, followin the fellow specialist and other doin the round, joinin the discussion watever not.. and by 12pm - aku dah rasa berdenyut2 tomit kaki aku neh. and imagine, i gotta bear wit it up to 5pm (actually, 4pm aku dah challoww! huhu). penat sial!! aku rasa siksa sgt dua2 belah kaki aku neh, ngalahkan pakai tumit tinggi.. even smpai skang pun aku rasa a bit of numb of the both heels.. and it'd be a great excuse for me for not goin for terawih. mum askin me so - i was like 'kaki ni kena spure balik larrr'.. and she was like 'pi mkn ubat'. and now my mummy turned into some kinda specialist herself, eh?



aku rasa most of the pts., incldg the stndts r havin sort of 'White Coat Syndrome' kot today.. the kids were restless.. and the stdnts too - definitely la (since dorang tak bley abscond and play fools) - were like 'sir, sir kat sini sampai ptg ke?', 'sir, sir tak pi rehat ke?'.. nak je aku sipak sesekor..



think about dis - aku rasa mcm nyesal la plak. kalo stay back in the ofc pun cool - relak, aircond, bertenet and such - tp i must admit, bein in the clinical field kinda cool too.. i am refreshin lot of thgs - esp in my rusty brain neh.



back then - adehh.. cemaner nak pi esok neh. kaki sakit. tak kan nak pakai chapal je kot? or selipar Jepun je..



kalo ada org tlg urut, kan best..








from now on - i gotta be full time in the ward - watchin n guidin the stdnts; as a clinical instructor, doin the round, bed-side teachin (not in the bed teachin - poser) kinda thang for the whole two months. i asked for it - for a change.. since aku pun dah tak der hrs to teach.. hehe

so i gez no more updatin the blog durin the ofc hrs, or YM! lar eh, makcik!! but i will do dat definately at nite lewww..

ppl u take care. hav a gr8 Monday!




Friday, September 5, 2008







baru 6.43pm.


hadeh..






lap*Q!!

its the 5th day of berpuasa.. among all the days - aku rasa ari ni ler penat Ya Rabbana.. tak tau pe hal. nak kata aku pi wat clinical round/visit pun tak jugak - aku melekat kat bilik sajork - markin paper nan tak abes2 neh (bak kata Rod - mata dah naik kero!).. but i am finishin it. dijamin halal. ptg ni siap - aku nak bg kat Mr Din plak; for his own part. but then again - aku rasa penat sgt. bukan nak komplen (mak ckp - tak baik rungut2, kurang pahala..), tp btol ckp.
aku order nasik minyak je ari neh - dgn Kak Ton si CC aku tuh. senang.. balik, bukak bunugkus, makan. i mean - lepas org azan magrib lah. tak la terkejar2, bersesak2, larik dikejar dek ujan (and ended up mcm looka - mkn nasik berkuah air.. sdey!!). aku singgah tepi jalan, beli kueh pe patot, and aku balik trus rumah. mmg ada bazar ramadhan dkt area tmn aku.. tp (again) Ya Rabbana.. sesak Ya Rabbi (again). kowser aku. wat penat je. sesuai dgn motto aku ari neh - reserve yr energy. ahaks.
mum called. askin dis and dat. suddenly rasa mcm nak balik kg plak. sambal tumis petai, laksa mak masak, masak asam, asam pedas, pucuk ubi masak lemak.. wah!! berair atas bawah. i mean - berair molot tetiber. aku rasa lepas magrib definately aku nak tros shoot balik kg larr.. get together geder dgn family, sahor, berbuka, saing pi traweh.. best.
frankly speakin - aku ngantok sgt waktu khutbah tadik.. sayup2 je aku dgr sora pak khatib tu baca khutbah. tersenggok2 ala2 'yes sir' tu jgn ckp larr.. segan jugak. tp nak wat cemaneh.. tak bley control. its luar kawal.. totally luar kawal. rasa mcm nak baring trus je.. nasib le stdnt2 aku cuti - so aku rasa tak le segan sesgt.. tp aku tau, ramai staf hospital kat masjid yg sama.. sure perasan aku kot. heh - lantak la.. dorang pun tido jugak. mcm aku tak tau.
first time aku dgr btol2 lagu Nitrus - Kamu neh. sdp plak. i think i've heard it before. yet mcm biasak - aku dun giv it a damn. it was like 'Nitrus? Nitrus wat?' kinda thang.. tp ari neh - aku mcm enjoy plak dgr.. best. nice lyric too. and its for u - somebdy out there. ahaks.

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Jerry Maguire - the movie.. (dammit, again)

"Jerry: Hello. I'm looking for my wife. Alright. If this is where it has to happen, then this is where it has to happen. I'm not letting you get rid of me. How about that? This used to be my specialty. I was good in a living room. Send me in there, I'll do it alone. And now I just... I don't know...but our little company had a good night tonight. A really big night. But it wasn't complete, it wasn't nearly close to being in the same vicinity as complete, because I couldn't share it with you. I couldn't hear your voice, or laugh about it with you. I missed my wife. We live in a cynical world, and we work in a business of tough competitors, I love you. You complete me. And I just...
Dorothy: Shut up. Just shut up. You had me at hello.."



i watched Jerry Maguire, again - i know. call me idiot. but i jst love it. the whole thang. the whole idea of the whole movie. over la sgt if i said it was kinda like me - i mean - the story line; but yeah - indeed. its too personal.

sometimes u got everysingle thang rite under yr nose - but u jst dun realize it. until u let go.

i gez.



love thang..





Unknown

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

Franklin P. Jones
Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.

Hamilton Wright Mabie
Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

Dinah Shore
Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.

K Knight
True love never lives happily ever after - true love has no ending.

Luciano de Crescenzo
We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another.

Buddha
The thought manifests as the word. The word manifests as the deed. The deed develops into habit. And the habit hardens into character. So watch the thought and its ways with care. And let it spring from love, born out of concern for all beings. .

Ursula K. LeGuin
from The Lathe of Heaven Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. .

Sanaya Roman
What you love is a sign from your higher self of what you are to do.

Vincent Van Gogh
Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much perfoms much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well.




**p/s: just for the tot of it.. for those who r in love, or vice versa.


bird-day wishes for special ones..

today is Thursday - 4th of September 2008. its goin to be a bright, sunny day i think - for theres a lot stars shinin out last nite.. at least dats wat i've been told waktu kecik2 dulu.. and today - its goin to be a special day for these 2 special ppl in my life. they r my frens. my shoulder to hang on to. got ears for me. bear wit me well (bukan abg bear, ok!).






dis gal is Zean.. dats wat i called her. and dats wat she wanted to be called. isnt she's pretty. i love lookin at her cheeks. rasa nak chubit2.. we never meet up - not even once. but we knew each other like yrs now - ever since aku started bloggin in the stupid ekawan last time - she was one of the those yg rajin go htru my idiot-ramblin n willin to giv her a word or two every now and then.. i am not sure if she's quittin ekawan now (coz u can she's so into dis http://xiean80.multiply.com/ now - and i quitted ekawan alrdy!). shes's single (i dun think she's available now - anymore), she's vibrant and sh'es got bisnes on her own!! lucky guy to get her, aye?
Zean - i am trully sorry for forgettin yr sweet day. but by doin all dis - i hope i 'dah cover la' my mistakes tu. apa pun - HAPPY BIRTHDAY, Zean. may all yr wishes, may all yr dreams may come true.. remember to live life - before life leaves u. and be free.. there's miles for u to go - and there's many thgs ur gonna get thru in dis whole life.. i know ur one strong gal - ur gonna rock the world, alrite! again - Happy Birthday, Zean..









and dis is Am aka Aizat (see him at http://www.myspace.com/ceqam). i always remember his b'day for it is sama dgn Zean's. and i remember him for his laser molot, asyek2 laser aku tak sudah.. he's charmin, nice guy. everythg yg kuar dr mulut dia will definately makes me laugh - tho i aint sure sama ada it'll be same or not, now. aku used to hang around wit dis guy each time aku in KL - but now, i dun think it'd be proper la kot.. otherwise someone wil hav dis big greenie eyes on me!! takut larr.. i refused to be another PLO - not anymore. at dis age of mine - i dun think it'd be do any good.

Am - SELAMAT HARI JADI.. may every single thgs dat ur lookin for in life, everythg ur wishin for - will come true. i know dis b'day wld be a better one for u - much better indeed.. jst dat i really hope - it wldnt change a thang. after all - as u always said - we r fren, rite?

ouch - dun let yr 'sayang' bite me then.

*euw*












Wednesday, September 3, 2008







goodnite -


and sleep tite..



(dun let the bugs - get u!)





kinda weird today. i think most of the ppl around me r bein so damn nice ,really.. makes me wonder - wat the heck is goin around in ere anyway? a fren of mine said, 'u shld be happy lah!'.. i am indeed. but it cant stop me from thinkin. and wonderin - 'y eh?' kinda thang.. most of the days ppl r nice to me yeah, i know - but today - its different. may be i am havin a bit of delusion - but then, who cares?


a day like dis - sometime makes u wanna smile, u wish u cld hav dis kinda day - everyday, every single days of the yr. and it makes me wonder - how easy for us, actually - to be nice to ppl around us, which most of the time - kita berkira sesgt, God Sake..


i gez wat i do today is - jst smile. to everybdy yg passed me by. and wallaaa - the results!!

drama.

i gez drama is wonderful on the stage - and on the screen. but i cld be destructive in personal life. on stage - drama is emotional, expressive story played out by characters stuck in unfortunate situations. in real life - its different. it is a back-stabbin, nagging, he-said-she-siad tale dat holds back everyone involved - from enjoyin their own lives..


i used to crave drama in my life - a good great ones, indeed. not a day went by when i din suspect a 'fren' talkin behind my back. i wld be passive-aggressive for months and finally confront him, when i cldnt hold it in anymore. how cld he said dat about me or done dat to me despite everythg i did for him all these yrs? he wld fight back wit some harsh words and i wld retaliate wit, 'no, dat was not i meant when i said..' kinda thang. calls involving others, nasty emails and replies forwarded to others, numerous text msges later - i realized the frenship is over. i mean it - i got to get over dis, well. the signs had been there all along, it jst me who's so damn stupid, i jst cldnt accept it as it is. it took me yrs (again) to learn dat the sooner u can accept it and move on, the easier it is then.


when u gain 'the ability to let dat which does not matter truly slide', u no longer hav pretty drama in life. at least - dats wat i believe in. we dun like to admit dat we create the drama dat burdens our lives. its easier to simply claim bad thgs happen to me or 'drama is attracted to me' kinda thang. no, it is not. u can learn to ignore it and get back to yr own sweet life. it wasnt until i mad some really, really good frens dat i understood how drama impacted my past frenshps and relationships. i wld let other affect me - i allowed ppl who mattered not an ounce to; to completely ruin my days, wks, months by smthg triflin as a snide remark. it wasnt em who were the source of my troubles; it was my penchant for takin thgs personally.


now its pretty much 2nd-nature for me to ignore pettiness, meanness, shallowness and other such -vitiy from ppl who arent near and dear to me. if s'one wants to impart wisdom and frenliness - i welcum it wit open arms. otherwise, i'd jst smile and say ''g'day, sir/ma'am!" .. there r too many wonderful thgs in life i still hav to xperience and hav no time for the pettiness. so how do i avoid drama when its starin me rite in the face? i smile, maintain my posture and politely end the conversation - if i am strong enuff. in my head - its all over alrdy and quite painlessly if u think about it. no yellin, no breakin stuff, no vengeful acts. its like lookin at a crazy monkey in a cage at zoo and jst walkin past instead of standin there for hrs tryin to imitate it well.


yrs ago i was told, 'nvr fight wit a pig, u both get dirty and the pig likes it'. it sounds funny yeah. and it took me a long time to see the briliance in those words and even longer to actually live up to them. now dat i do - i gez life's much easier and stress-free.


drama belongs on the stage. not in my life.



the sunrise..





these above 2 pics i've takes early dis morn - it was infront of my house, really. every mornin's like dat - it jst dat aku je yg berapa perasan. but dis mornin, while i was panaskan enjin kete aku before off to the ofc., i was like.. 'whoaaa.. superb! eh, where's the camera? wheres the camera?..' and these r wat i get. i personally love the sceneries.. it jst dat i never get the chance to attend it well. and another thang - the sunset. wah!! nanti bila2 aku sempat - aku snap plak..








and these another two pics aku amek pg tadik jugak - kebetulan camera sebelah aku.. its otw aku aku pi keje. the sky was so fcukin superb - dat i cannot resist to stop by the road side and do the thang..





paper-cut!

i was tryin to rearrange the whole mess in my study room - wat to bring and wats to left behind to the office - when suddenly.. *zrasss* a paper-cut over my (R) pollex - i.e my thumb. dammit it was so pain - like nobdy biz. the tingling pain is still there n it bugs me like shait. i dunno abou how it feel to be cut wit parang or else - but dis really hurt.
after all - its been a while since i last had dis paper-cut.
heh.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

..and dis is wat i do (the break, pt 3)























as i said once before - i love the sea. the tranquility it brings, the mysterious about it and the whole thang about it.. nampak tenang yet nobdy knows the depth. nampak garang but at the same time - it brings the whole lot promises to everybdy around it. i found myself by the sea each time aku serabut deep inside.. i love the sceneries, the sounds, the smell, the every single thang about it - really. and aku remember how aku used to berendam in it - from early morn up to around mid-day, w/o any feelin of boring or any thg at all.. and it soothed me like hell.

on the 3rd day there - aku decided to bring along my Canon - to do the usual thang. i think i did some kinda good thang - tho it mght look not really dat good for some of u ppl out there..