Friday, May 30, 2008

..

came in to the ofc around 7.30am - consider late for me. i am not goin to stay back in ere doin nthg - i'll be leavin the buildin real soon - gotta pack for Cameron Highland; i am leavin for Cameron Highland ptg ni lps solat Jumaat - up till 3/6. i dun feel like goin, really. its a school holidays, i shldve be wit the family and all my mini-monsters.
i gez i'll be seein u ppl, when i see u ppl lah!!
take care.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

changes



changes..


rite after i was done wit the persiapan semula padang and such - aku terus str8 balik rumah.. and it was like not even 5pm pun semlm. aku totally penat, tumit kanan aku berdenyut2 sgt.. but its ok - i knew where i am standing. i was not like all the bishops, or Hafiz perhaps - they talked a lot - dis and dat.. but the ground works, all the dirty jobs were left to ppl like me to be done. aku remember how aku, Ajak, Abg Din, Izzah, Nirmala, KF and a few of others wearin track-bottoms (and we looked like stdnts too!) doin all the jobs like nobdy biz. and sad enuff - some of the bishops just came in - pointin fingers ere and there, findin faults and off they go. and waktu penutup - again muka dorang were arnd..
and Hafiz - aku totally kecik ati dgn sikap dia. aku wish aku cld jst say out loud rite on his nose - but dat was my weakness. he always be my best buddy (and i gez he'll always be) - and i found myself dat i cldnt say thgs out just like dat. i gez i was kinda afraid if he get hurt of my words. it ended up aku jst kept thgs to myself most of the time, and drove me fuckin crazy. but he always downgrading me, makin fun of me, make fools of me as if it was a joke - to every of his statements. to everybdy. all the time. as if everybdy knew kinda jokes we r crackin most of the time. aku remember how he made fool of me infront of Timb. Pengarah - and it happened Timb. Pengarah took dat for granted. i wonder if i ever hav to think back again - is dis kinda best-fren ur lookin for, for life. he din listen to me. but he'll find me alrite when he needed some ears. aku tak bermaksud nak mengungkit.. tp dats the fact. i wish i cld talk about dis to someone else. but the world and surroundin where i'm living now din allow me to do so.
around Magrib, i woke up from a nap only to find Soleh dah cooked somethg for dinner - he said he's goin out for a while, wanted to use the car - aku wldnt mind, so he left me alone. after did some plant-waterin (which dah lama sgt aku abandoned), aku just lingered around the porch - it was a quite nite, peaceful for God sake. theres stars up above - the sky was so clear - i realized dat its been ages since i jst stood there, doin the stars-watching. i wonder wats wrong wit me. theres so many thgs dat i love of doin, i am not doin em rite now, anymore. i feel as if i am not myself, lately. simple thgs botherin me like shait. i am damn sensitive lately - i am not sure as if it is good or wat. i know i am doin well wit life - i got a great family. i had most of the thgs in life dat guys want in their life. and my work is doin fine too - tho sometimes i do feel the pressure for all the politiking dat rules and knwoing dat i am hopeless towards it. i know i can work wit anybdy at all, i can go along wit most everybdy - but one thg dat i cant deal wit r those yg backstabbin, talk shit but no work. and at time bein - those r the those yg bersepah2 kat sini.. i wish i am not dat 'lurus bendul', really.
and i remember someone told me how human bein hate changes. and i always believe in dat alrite. and i started to think about Hafiz again. how he really do change lately. i dunno - i mght be wrong. he might not changed at all. he mght be the same old faggot dat i knew. but instinctly - i do believe he's changing. c'mon - its not like i knew him yesterday, rite? or may be he's catchin up damn well enuff dat he's playin brand new games - to make sure he'll survive alrite. or may be he's gettin a chance to outshine well, and to keep dat in hand - he gotta play games well. but wats dat gotta do wit yr best fren? i wish i cld ask all dis to him - but knowin him - he aint a good listener and defensive; i better not be. and why do i hav to bether so much about it? why DO i hav to bother so much? its not like even he changed for wat-ever-it-is pun, i am goin to die. and its not like i'll be dead cold shit if he's changin. aku believe Allah is up there. and everythg happens for a reason. it just dat - i kinda miss the old Hafiz, God sake. and its sickenin, really.
i knew the risk of puttin dis up in the blog, alrite. my stdnts r readin dis too - rite? (and they fuckin smart enuff to not to giv any comment! - as if i dun know). but i get enuff of all dis. i hardly find some ears for all dis scumbag stuffs. still i need to ventilate. so i write. and i'll write down watever botherin my mind. even if ur readin dis Hafiz - take dis as it is. i am yr so-called fren, and we r talkin so fuckin superficially dat u only care about yr piece of mind, and u dun even listenin to me.
i jst hope dat ur 'listenin' now.







Tuesday, May 27, 2008

my face!!




fcuk!!







..and i had my face cut again - the shaving thang. i said before dat if i was to name one thang dat i hate of doing, is shaving - i was left wit no choice last midnite; my face was full wit jambang yg tak sudah which makes me looks like an angry wolf - let me decided dat i hav to do the shaving on my own, which ended up wit a fuckin cut rite on right my cheek-bone. it is big enuff to alert few of my students askin me 'sir, wat did u do wit yr face?' and badly enuf for Hafiz to ask me 'ru try to kill yrself or wat?'. shit, it is. mum was rite - instead of shavin my janggut/misai and such - i am shavin my skin like nobdy biz. dammit - it IS my biz and my face!! huarkghh.. i swear to God i aint gonna do dis again - and even if i hav to - i'd landed up at kedai gunting mamak, be it at wat time sekalipun. God forbid.
i had a great weekend. i was in Kelantan wit my family for the whole weekend. and on Sunday nite - aku naik bus je balik ke Ipoh. sampai around 5am, 6am siap2 pi ofis.. by 11am - kepala aku dah ting tong.. 2pm i shld be there in OSCE for 1st sem - aku mintak excuse from Mr Adnan coz i cannot bear the throbbin headache - as if kepala aku nak meletop jerr.. - so aku drove back home and had a great sleep. i mean - a great so-called 3hrs nap (if dats wat u call as a 'nap'!). woke up at 5pm, Asar and aku off for badminton. mlm plak - kantoi dgn Mr Adnan kat Giant (fuck!).. 'wah! pushing trolley some more - hows the headache?'.. so aku tergagap2 le sekejap. but who cares? i REALLY do had a throbbin headache. and i deserve a rest. i mean - a nap. a real nap, indeed. hehe.. but knowin Mr Adnan yg 'damn cool' dgn aku - aku pun cool jgak lar! yeha - i hope so. huhu
a bit bz wit persiapan for trow Sukan KKM Allied Sc. Zon Utara. yeah trow. and all the students - most of em dah abes exam and started cuti alrdy. again - aku tak faham wats there in their brain. be it. i'll just do my work, finish em all up, and shut the fuck up. i am not in teh position to complain, i supposed.
and bein in the padang - under a great sunshine yg terik giler, was the last thg i ever think of!! God - itam le aku.









Thursday, May 22, 2008

feverish..

i just cant wait to go home - i feel like feverish for God sake.. and i feel like takin leave tomorrow; so dat i'd be able to settle thgs before off to Cameron Highland next week for 4 days in a row and off to KL by 8/6 (up to 16/6) - and i know; it sucks big time!!
i started to hav dis plain whitish runny nose. sickenin.

mohd. izwan abas..

i wanna talk about dis boy - he aint boy anymore - at the age of 23, where most of the ppl still thinkin it cld be a plain youngster (perhaps wit no brain, most of the time); but dis boy is different. he IS indeed - aint a boy, he IS a man wit a big brain. and it aint an empty big brain - he got vision, he thinks the way i never tot he cld and i was so lucky got the chance to know him well, tho i shall think it was a bit late. and now he's leavin me and all the thgs behind - it is the beginnin of the journey for him indeed. he'll be qualified soon, start workin and live life as he wishes to. and his name is MOHD. IZWAN ABAS. once he's a student of mine - but now i consider he's a great fren indeed.
he got his own special way makin me laugh out loud - wit his stupid idiot jokes. most of ppl doesnt really understand him well - saying dat he's weird, wicked and such (like most of the lecturers here think he was like dat) - but i managed to see the other part of him; cherish life, appreciate life and know how to enjoy it well, respect others, had vision and mission for life, and hav a band to gig wit, too. hehe.. and suprisingly - he's able to communicate very well in English - which 'turns me on' alrite (hahaha..).
izwan - as i always tell u so - yr journey is jst about to begin. u got miles to go. go along wit the flow well, but remember to hav a better grip - or else u mght as well get drifted away. stay the way ur, stand yr stance well. i'll pray to Allah SWT dat everythg wld be just OK for u - all along the way - dat u will be able to catch the stars, the moon as u said u'd always love to hav em all in yr palm. ur one strong man and i believe dat u'd be able to be wat ever u want to be (or wit who ever u'd love to be - Nelly, aye?)..
i got lots to say - but i am not sure if i'd be able to say all thgs out alrite. all the best -is the best words for u, i think.











dis is the guy - he's weird as he can be. he said he was a 'gajah' on his previous life. sorry Dwan - i took dis pic from yr MySpace. huhuhu!!











..and he was one of the those yg terpilih for final in OIAM.. tak silap aku lar.. but he withdrawed himself since time practical. huhuhu.. wat shall i say?










frenship.



What I find important in a relationship :

1) trust and faith
2) respect
3) clear and constant communication
4) understand each other's values and beliefs
5) listen, accomodate
6) mutual attraction, chemistry
7) passion, common interests
8) time and effort
9) growth



- and its hard to fine some of the above, nowdays..



Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

flat tyre heh!!




i got a flat tyre early dis morn. dah lar kete yg eldest one - my Iswara Aeroback pun last week had the same prob. (and yet - aku din get the chance to change the whole tyre - i am still using the spare one duhh!), now my younger ones buat hal plak.. mmg dr sebelum last Saturday lagik Soleh dah tegur 'along naper tyre neh mcm nak flat jer..' and i was like in a deep denial 'no lar.. kurang hangen jer itewww..' and off aku boh angen otw back to kampung. sampai Ipoh semlm around 9pm, i blved the tyre was still OK. tapi pagi neh - dah flat!! so aku kena la bawak the eldest one.. lantak larr.. and thank God, adik aku sorang neh si Soleh ada. so dia volunteer nak put one the spare tyre first - so dat by the time aku balik keje kang.. terus bley anta pi tukar kat kedai dpn taman. and aku swear to God - aku nak anta dua2 terus for tyre changin. the eldest and the youngest one. heh - i hate benda2 mcm neh. i wasnt me, God sake. i jst dun hav the fcukin skill!
so terkezut nyer pasal - aku reached the office pretty late.. tak le lambat sgt - dlm 7.30am baru punched in. kira lambat ler itewww.. and aku hate it bila aku get trapped in the jam - mak ayah nak anta anak pi skol larr, mak ayah kuar lambat larr, mak ayah ngejar punch card larr.. so aku terpaksa telan je larr.. at least i shall thank God since ni baru Ipoh. belum lagik KL. kalo idak - makan hatiey!! cewah - try to be positive early in the morn. le konon.. betoi pe!
i am goin to sit down n sort thgs - wat shall i do for today. 2pm to 5pm - paper budak2 first sem.. Anatomy & Physiology tak silap aku. so pe2 pun - aku hav to settle em all pagi ni jer..
so far the mood is ok - aku hope smpai ke ptg, i shall hav the same one indeed.
someone come in and spoil it - i'd break the neck.



Friday, May 16, 2008

step up. or shut up.






i decided to go up n see Pengarah regarding wat happened in the meetin dis morn. i know he'll be ok if i wanna see him and talk to him about dis thg. and my assumption was rite - Pengarah was nice, ok wit it. thank God - he knew wats goin on wrong really. he knew the games well, either. all dis seniors sometimes r full of shait, they din hav any qualities in them dat they started to pull crowd towards some 'sensational' thgs so dat ppl will forget their lackin - at least dats wat came out from his mouth.
it left me soothed a bit. i know i hav to stand up, or shut up (which i wont do since i know where my stance is). i knw we create the world we live in. i've been misery for someone's else shiat and i know i shldnt be dis way - why shld i get drowned in someone's shit when i know i can always walk away - jst like dat? fuck off wit sympathy for dis kinda ppl. u bend down to help em out, they left u wit cold shit. i was fool before, and i'll make sure i only fool one time.
i've said it before and i'll say it again. if u wanna play games - let play games! u'll see. i believe dat if ur sick wit and tired of ppl walkin all over u - then u gotta stand up for yrself. and dats wat i am goin to do now. they only do take advantage of u becoz they know they can. and if ur sick and tired of bein used and abused - the i shall stop allowin it. i will stop allowin it, God sake. i understand it takes courage. and i understand dat i'll hav to scarifice thgs. but its ok - if dis is the way of doin thgs - i am all out. i too, understand it requires strength. and i understand it is scary - for we dun know the outcome. but if u arent willin to do the work - then stop the fuckin complainin.
step up. or shut up!!

wtf!





if there's a day yg betul2 buatkan aku down, pissed off, gream and full of hatred - all into one; i think today is the perfect one. i just dunno know how to describe it well, how to put it into words - coz i cldnt find any proper, suitable words for it.. aku just dunno when i'll get over wit all dis office politiking, stabbing other's back and such, wld be end. i aint stupid. i aint dump either. but i aint good in playin dis shait kinda game, and finally i found myself flat on the ground - fool one time.
the meeting just now when smoothly, except for coupla thgs yg buatkan aku totally numb. aku cant believe Zul did dis to me - for i've been so damn fuckin good for him. he got me alrite, played me like fuckin cold shit. aku cld see some cynical faces, some owh-poor-u kinda faces, cant-believe-it faces and great-u-deserve-it faces too. for the very firts time in my life during dis kinda meeting - aku was so out of place dat i feel i wanna run away from everythg. i mean - everything.
the whole week means nothg to me. i tried to stay positive, i tried to tune up my fuckin mind - useless, it seems. it leads me to nowhere. dis whole week is so full of shit dat i wish i wasnt myself, really.
Ajak sent me a msg 'jgn mcm tu.. ko motivator aku..' like aku give it a fuck. i mean - i appreciate it well, but at dis time bein - it doesnt mean a damn thg to me.
i am sad. i am so fuckin down. God i wish i cld do somethg about dis.












..

the mistake i made was clear
we never shoulda been together
thats the reason you're not here
i know that i can do much better
not a single salty tear
not a feeling in my chest
baby i'm feeling no stress
im too fly to be depressed..

Thursday, May 15, 2008

headache





i just want to go home - and hit my crib. the headache is killin me.







the room - the after-math-nope






i know the room looks like shait alrite, but i cant afford to hate it, really. i was damn runnin out of time, most of the time lately (lame excuse, i know). nah - i was not dat damn bz (tak le se-bz Bear the Pad), just dat i am not in the good mood to kemas balik bilik aku neh.. baru je 2 ari lps aku buat a bit of kemas-the-bilik-thang, dah bersepah balik. bilik aku neh mcm pasar - ader je student masuk kuar.. tak nyempat2 aku nak put my ass down nicely on the comfy chair, tellin u. bukan nyer aper pun - they din come in for kaunseling ke haper.. they came in just to lepak2, sembang2, worst to worst.. 'sir, lagu baru sir..' askin me to play new song. bley?
i am havin a so-called headache larr.. Ajak asked me out for minum, malas lar - aku lupa bwk wallet aku. tertinggal kat tmpt kunci dpn pintu dlm rumah aku..




Kuching, pt. last one





lost..










Kuching, pt.4


Sg Sarawak.. before the down-pour.

the sky - WaterFront.


tea tarik - MYR3.50/mug - dats wat we do every nite.. i know the price was ridiculous. but do we hav any choice?


bloated, the post-tea tarik.


the down-pour, yeah.




Kuching, pt. 3




shouldve put dis at the bottom - i was on the way back to KLIA. tp malas nak alter page neh - lantak larr..









me at WaterFront, before suddenly ujan turun mcm nak mampos.. the cuaca there was so unpreDICKtable.










me and Ajak. Ajak - chanteQ ke? plz.







infront of the Crowne Plaza Hotel, waitin for the driver to come and pick us up.. sempat lagik posing. bley?








aku kat dpn bilik hotel aku.











Kuching, pt. 2


one of the sungai in Annah Rais - it was sort of 'hot spring' - and it IS hot God sake..




u know wat it is.


green, i think.


i forget wat dis is - but i do think it is nice. another green



the hot spring.






numb.



numb..




i think i've become comfortably numb these coupla days, lately. i've been thinkin about myself, and thgs around me - yet i dunno where it leads me alrite. i woke up early in the morn., dis mornin - only to find my body still achin and i still long for a sleep. i know wat it is - i dun hav a proper tite sleep last nite.. 'u dun hav a good REM sleep..' as i remembered my prof told me 3 days back. and i think she's rite. i drag myself to the washroom and finally ended up in dis office - as early as usual. no more interviewin dis day - thank God.
i wish i cld hav someone who really appreciate me - as i am.




Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Kuching (again!), pt. 1

Mr Lock, Ajak and Amed - very formal alrite.

..and me. i know wat ur thinkin. so wat? huhu


me, again.. (dun puke!). in a formal visit to one of the rumah panjang in Annah Rais, Padawan.



the rumah panjang.. best!





Monday, May 12, 2008

..


".."




i was doin a bit of room-keepin when i came across a few pics - ages back wit dis someone i was really into, respect wit all my heart and up to now - i hav no regret for gettin to know him well enuff.
i wonder where he is now. wat he's up too. is he ever think of me - as a fren, may be (still, perhaps). as up to now - its been like 5 yrs back - but all the thgs r still around me and i refused to forget. havin the chance and a bit of opportunity knowin him was the best part in life of mine - even now.
but sometimes - thgs wldnt go along the way u wanted it to be. an i gez dats the way thgs was. i was naive. idiot. stupid. but i deserve the best - i know. and i think he too.
hate to deal wit dis - again. i've been in dis shit again and again. i honoured relationship. frenship. when i am into one - i am all out for God sake. but again - who am i then.
i must say dat i miss him so damn much - as a fren. yeah.
and i just dunno wat to do wit dis.









maniac Monday! hehe





first day after a week aku away off the office. and first day too, aku deal wit dis interview as Wakil Kemementerian/Jabatan for urusan temuduga pemilihan candidate latihan separa perubatan under KKM. out of 40 candidates - 21 jer yg dtg.. tot we cld finish em all up faster - but at 3.30pm baru settle. and aku shall say dat - aku was so frustrated dgn youngsters dtg for interview neh - mohon keje/for a course.. tp nothg they know about dat respective application. which mean - dorg tak prepare pe2 pun (not all - but most of them). of course - there are a few yg btol2 prepare and aku believe they deserve wat they asked for - tp yg tak prepare neh.. tak ke buang masa je? and buang peluang any other pemohon yg lbey layak? heh. aku tak peduli - org kampung aku ke, member kpd member aku ke - as long as tak layak - u know wat i mean. aku tak nak dpt all those generation yg maki2 pesakit kat tmpt keje, dtg belajar nak tak nak.. where as i believe theres thousand out there deserve to hav dat better.
budak2 dah start exam - most of my colleagues r damn bz wit their own jadual as pengawas exam. i din see Amed, Ajak today. Apiz pun kejap je tadik dat he was like 'cipet le skang.. ader ke exam up to 5.30pm!'.. thank God aku minggu ni free. huhu..
great weather. ironically - aku lupa bawak baju suar sukan aku. headin str8 back home for me means mmg le aku tak kuar dah sampai esok pagi!!





Friday, May 9, 2008

no more Kuching - back home!


me and Ajak - on the flight back home to the mainland. the cuca wasnt dat good - so there's a few times the plane bergegar mcm nak mampos.. tha fat Ajak was like 'dis is the time when we shld start to ngucap, eh?'. dammit.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Kuching - D1 still

Ida, eat yr heart out. No laptop, yet i am able to update my blog.. And upload pics s'more! Huhu.. Jst dat i cant find my way to put down my sayin under those pics - coz i cant find the way, really. And the blog mght looks unkempt - i cant justify the paragraph, i cant use my usual font. Messy, i bet. Eh, who cares? Long as i can get myslf konek-ted, i wldnt ask for more..

The first pic (down below) is me. In KLIA. Smpt lg posing2 katanyer! Aku je dress down like dat. Amed and Ajak, perkhh.. dressed like mcm nak pi keje. Let alone Mr Lock. Huargkh.. Aku plak rasa alienated.

The 2nd pic is my roomate, Ajak. Posing mcm Fasha Sanda. Tolak perut, tolak spare tyre, tolak ruper.. Ok, he's not like Fasha God sake.. I jst dunno who he looks like. Bt he's a plain chub wit extrovert personality. Makes my life easy, smtime.

Aku dah tak tahan ni. Bdn seram sejuk. Dah 2 gelas tea tarik + limau suam abes. And they r talkin abt cars got sake! I jst senyum2 kmbeng, while my thumb r doin the updatin of dis entry.

Heh!



mr shahe wit his pose.. macho eh? bley?




mr ajak wit his u-know-wat-pose..

Kuching thang - 1st day.

touchdown at Kuching Int. Airport sharp at 3.50pm. The journey was so so. And the meal sucks. Sucks big time! Chcken pie!! Damn it. It left me starving.

Chcked in at Crowne Plaza Riverside. Gotta share wit Razak. Huhu.. The room was OK. I cursed myslf for not bringin my laptop.. And i wonder how i am goin to survive for the rest of 5 days to come.

I thk my fvr is makin a cum bck. I mean - come bck. Ere we r at dis Bombay Masala havin our decent dinner. Strange enuf - i thk God for finally aku jmpak NASI! Nvr been dis way. Tho its kdai mamak (i am OK wit their tea trk, bt havin a meal - nasik to precise, God forbid), i do still thank God for findin dis outlet. And thank to Ajak's cousin.. He brought us arnd.

l had nthg in mind. I jst wanna be bck to my room, and Ajak is havin a u-la-la cnversation wit his cousin. I miss my home alrdy. My crib, my Astro, my space, my everythg..

Huargkh..

Friday, May 2, 2008

damn hot. me? hehe







i bet everybdy's feelin the same - its so damn fuckin hot lately. i mean - real damn hot. i know i am hot alrite - but i cant stand when the weather's too! hehe.. even a heavy down pour is not helpin the temperature to go down, really. i keep on sweatin more. take a step out of the ofis - and u'll be soakin like hell. my fever subsidin, but now - i am about to lose my voice. it is like 'serak2 basah'.. i remember coupla stdnts asked me 'wats wrong?', 'sir kena streptococcus ke' (statement!!) and 'wahh.. sore mcm Ella..' (hanjeng sgt - mencik!!).
i am doin sort of list of 'wat-to-bring-and-wat-not' from the ofis. aku so scared dat i mght forget all those important thgs.
so we r movin down to KLIA from ere naik bus ekspress Yo-Yo je.. at 8am and will be arrivin in KLIA around 12pm le kot.. flight at 2pm all the way to Kuching.. 3.45pm sampai. and we'll be stayin Crowne Plaza Hotel Riverside or somethg.. aku main bookin on the net jer.. senang.
so Casey - buzz me when ur there. u own me a cuppa! ahaks.




nostalgic.. hehe



gambar beramai-ramai, all the AJKs and such.
they ran such a great job, really.



me with those yg jaga stage, MC and such..


me wit the stage manager - Hilmee. hehe

me wit Edawati (in white) one of the MC, Abang (in blazer), the dancers, the musician and such.. both of the MCs were fabalous!!



wit Nash, Syed, Brudy, Abang, Ayep..





here the pics yg aku supposed to upload coupla days back - shouldve do it earlier, but i am wasnt. and ere i am - doin it for God sake. there a few more pics in store, yet to post.. i salute budak2 junior neh - K22; they ran the whole programme nicely. tho they r damn young - less experience, but they did a very good job. the co-operation was there, and there's nothing to ask for more, i supposed!








the hamper yg aku dpt for the Marathon on last Sport Carnival.. junk foods!!

and dis is the hamper yg aku dpt for the jogathon dat i joined last Saturday.. jadik lar. aku bukak in my room, bagi budak2 ni jerrr.. aku cuma amek 100Plus and a biskut satu tin jer..