Thursday, August 28, 2008
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
i dun feel good. mentally. and physically. it jst dat theres coupla thgs botherin me n i hate myself to be dis way.. i've been thru dis shait again and again - and i've been advisin lot of ppl how to go thru dis bloody shait - yet the true is - i aint learn a thang. period. i am a one lame fool and i aint learn a fcukin thang. i am pretty bad in handlin thgs like dis. i tend to push it away and hope thgs gonna be just fine by the time the sun rise trow morn. which is totally a bullshait - and gez wat, i think i aint gonna deal wit it, dat way anymore. i gez i gotta find my bloody courage - if i ever got one - and stand my bloody stance/ground, darn well. i hate pretendin as if i am cool, as if i am good - where as deep down - i am shattered into pieces like a cheap fcukin glass.
i wanted to end dis. i got to. and i aint got no choice, dis time. i hate goin to sleep wit dis numb feelin buggin my head - and sleep thru it well, hopin thgs gonna be jst fine by the time i wake up then. i dun think dat wld ever work on me. anymore. i am goin to say wat i long to say. and i am goin to say it out damn fcukin loud. i am not a fool - even if i am, i'll be the fool one time. and no more. i am tired wit all dis shait. and i cant live life dis way. dis is so not me.
i am tired. i am sad. i feel like i got shait buggin my head well enuff dat i refused to think about anythg at all.
i wish.. i jst wish i dun know u at all.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
its an interesting threesome contest. and its Permatang pauh - everybdy knew it damn well. and again - DSAI won it damn fcukin well.. its a gigantic majority, landslide kinda victory. its totally major. say wat u wanna say. as if i wanna giv it a fcukin damn. tho deep down i still feel the sore wit shaits i've been thru today - but dis kinda thang enuff to make me smile..
i wonder wheres the moronic news on the idiotbox - all over (except for Awani).
and its funny how thgs in dis country r runnin by a bunch of idiots - and treatin ppl like one, too.
who the hell they think they r, anyway?
Monday, August 25, 2008
..that my heart is in two different places
I got you in my life and I wanna do right
but it's hard to let it go
when my love has two different faces
and I can't break ties cause they both look right
someone tell me what's a man to do
when he's loving two
and he don't wanna lie
but he can't tell the truth
what's a man to do
when he's loving two
but he can't keep his heart
in two different places
not in two different places..
for now - aku nak masuk tido. and ready for trow.. tho aku like 'hate' trow.. i dun wanna hav dat in mind for it'll spoil my whole trow, God sake.
nitey nite, uols!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
the finale. the end of every single worst thg in dis wide world. the torture. the lackin of sleeps. the 'nak makan pun tak sempat' yeah-rite. hrs of day-dreamin. the moment of truth.. (wah!)
yeap yeap - i am goin to sleep early tonite - nak qado' sumer2, indeed. i am in fact headin for the mall rite after the last 2 papers dis mornin - for a walk - doin the ppl-watchin thang (and not the baju-hunting, again.. i hope). thinkin over dis again - best jgk - sekali sekala mcm neh. rather than gu o to work, u back from work and the cycle goes around and around, again and again dat u started losin count (and not weight, dammit); makin u so damn monotonous. structured like a pole. or tiang goal, perhaps.
heh. enuff. gotta run. i dun wanna be late to the hall.
wish me luck, ppl. a whole wide world of luck. tonnes of luck, yeah.. God - i am not sure of wat i've been readin la plak.. tiber2.
watever it is - jap lagi dah merdeka!!
Saturday, August 23, 2008
nah - stop havin dat looks on u. i must admit - i am 80's freak. i love all the songs from 80's (yet dun get me wrong - i love the latest tunes, too!). i was born earlier and raised up listenin to all such numbers.. i remember my mum and dad went ga-ga over these all and i gez i learnt lesson pretty well! for those yg may concern - u shld understand wat i mean. but for the new generation - i gez u shld giv it a chance to soothe yr ear-wax well.
heh - gotta go. nak mandi. happy listenin! and happy readin, too!
i am thinkin to hit the crib jap for a lite nap before off mandi manda and head the exam center..
the last 2 papers - yesterday; Polisi Sosial & Undang plus Teknologi Maklumat, Globalisasi dan Kualiti Hidup - aku was like a bit OK la.. watdya expect? its a last minit prep., meh!! but then - aku managed la.. and no regret. dats the important part of it.
btw ppl - dah Subuh neh!! get up u sleepy head. solat first and go get yr second-round nyer tdo..
mornink ppl.. and hope it'll be a great Sat., eh!
Friday, August 22, 2008
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Afzarin was one of a real good stdnt. bersopan santun, tau hormat org, he speaks nicely - nice words, he was one of AJK Surau indeed. i remember while he and the others was in didactic - he was the AJK Akademik - he was like comin to my room everyday, every single day - askin dis and dat - why dis lect tak masuk and can he or not got the notes and such.. if he din do dat in a day - aku started to think 'wats wrong' kinda thang.. even while doin his practical too - he kept on callin me and texting me - to ask dis and dat, regardin his research and such.. and knowin him in person makes me gald to help him even more.
but then - i was sad - now no more. he was on the way to Hospital Kota Bharu for his practical when he was rammed over by a lori and sustained multiple fractures, various injuries (head injury too, i bet) and left him lost his valuable life, stat - on the spot. i was shocked. i was sad. i wanted to join the other lecturer to go there n pay the last respect - but i just cant. i got papers early trow mornin. and Ipoh - KB, it was not like dat dekat.. and just now - his father called me up - he was fine but after quite a while.. he started to cry askin y i cant be there. i felt like cryin - i know his pain of losin son. i told him to be strong - tho me myself - i am not sure of wat i was sayin. and i promised him dat i'll be goin there to his house next week - by the time aku aku balik Kelantan next week.
Afzarin - i know Allah loves u so much. as well as we r all do in ere.. and we all will be missin u definately. semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas rohnya. dan meletakkannya bersama mereka yg beriman dan bertaqwa, amin.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
aku rasa geram sgt - bkn salah saper pun. its my own fault. aku mcm ni lar - careless.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
last day trainin.. wld be done by 5pm, mght be wanderin around waitin for Casey - go back home and off to Pudu (hate Pudu!! hate it.. hate it.. hate it..) and off aku balik ke Ipoh.. sekejap je plak rasanyer. hehehe.. i dun think i'll be ended up kat Mid Valley again - heh, kuaser aku. harews terbeli segala bagai lagik..
Monday, August 18, 2008
dun laugh. dun even say a bloody word. i know tak der ruper brain pun lukisan iteww.. and my hand-writin? yeah - dats mine.
after 5pm - aku catched a cab - str8 to Mid Valley. tiada maksud utk bercitcut (according to Firdaus si stdnt aku iteww).. tp sajer jenjalan - while waiting for Casey to pick me up.. and again - dammit!! sales meh.. aku ended up buyin 2 baju keje Seeds, AGAIN. dammit. but it was nice - so y bother.. erk.
aku had dis mkn2 since aku kebulur sgt.. had a burger and some bubur itam for coci molot.. aku eat like a horse..
p/s; hows the pic? huhu.. Canon meh!
but i was hungry back then!! i managed. haha
Venue; UTAR, PJ
Date; 18 - 19/8.
btw - see my head well. a bird? nah. a Superman? idiot!! its no hair, meh!!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
a) my hairy deer atas meja kat ofis aku.. b) smae one, meh.. c) and d) and e) - its me.. try to guna Am's nyer 'petua' if u wanna snap yr own idiotic looks.. i know i aint look like a model catwalk - but a model suardlm pun dah ok..
dat was when aku ada rambut - but now.. hehe
reached Pudu around 12pm - i got a seat sebelah pakcik - kinda nice pakcik.. but i gez i had a tuff time all the way from Ipoh to KL - his breath. euw!! u know wat i mean. heavy smoker, chronic smoker i supposed.. i held my breath pretty much often so dat i wldnt puke off rite on the floor.. i did believe he wanted to break the ice n had sort of conversation wit me.. smiling and such. all dat i did was smiled back to him.. make a pretty nice face, stuffed up my ears wit the usual earphone - put on my mp3 player.. and off i dozed off. i do feel guilty coz i do think - mcm biadap la plak.. tp i was not in the mood to make nice.. or socialize. i jst want some of my space and - sleep, perhaps. and dats wat i did all the way from Ipoh to KL - sleepin. one thing about sleepin in the bus (which was i like it sooo much) - ur feelin as if ur in buaian sort of thang (i din remember how the feelin like - but i believe dat was the feelin alrite)..
Pudu sucks big time!!
dah magrib. think i shld take a break, solat firts. my tummy is growling now - out for dinner soon.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
and supringly enuff - dis Damia too - each time aku put it on.. she'll like movin he feet, hand, diapers, her arse and such to the tempo. my mum was like - 'eh, wats wrong wit her?'.. and it wasnt like once.. today je tp dah few times.. today je!
p/s; rileks mak - jgn muntah darah.. along faham! muahaha
Friday, August 15, 2008
i gez ppl change. everythg changes - tho u like it or not, tho ur ready for it or not.. and i do blve life is about adaptation. u know theres changes - u gotta adapt it well. the faster the better.. yet - dats my lacking.
enuff said. g'nite ppl!!
i hate thinkin about the journey to PJ/KL dis time around. thank God Casey is there - he said 'its ok', which i do hope it'll be kinda lite at the end of the tunnel katanyer..
Ajak called - ajak aku kuar bekpes.. isk - malasnyer.. aku dgn belum mandi, taik mata beselepet.. huarrkhh.. two options - nak smbg tido or bgun mandi n baca buku..
i bet the first one is 'kinkiest!'..
Thursday, August 14, 2008
God Lord - where am i goin to stay? i hardly know KL - let alone PJ.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
i had a great time jst know - tho it was like a few hrs jerr.. mak was there. abah too. and all the mini-monsters.. ngah cooked me 'ikan uji rashid masak asam' and abg ngah wit his speciality - kari ayam wit potatos.. perkhh.. i was like throwin fits all over sekejap. sambal belacan, ikan kering.. wah!!! nope - i shldnt think all dat now. or i might go downstairs n punggah my fridge, again.
gotta work trow. i decided to complete my clinical teaching/visiting trow - so dat i dun hav to stay back in the office (tho i got tonnes to be done). but again - i am not kinda guy yg suka rancang2.. see lah trow how.
coupla thgs still hit my skull alrite. i hate to think it over, but i am just a plain Joe - and i cant help it, really. it jst dat - i believe in Karma. u get wat u giv. wat goes around - will always comes around. u hurt someone - one day u'll get hurt, too. and i am not kinda guy yg suka ungkit or doakan others somethg bad - Allah is up there. He knows better.
to think it back again - it was not worth of time aku spent on such ppl. aku shldve known better. aku was a idiot. and aku'll make sure i am goin to be a foolish - one time.
i jst wish dat i dun know u. really.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Sunday, August 10, 2008
after jog+erobik for about 2hrs, aku blah balik rumah - and had my nasik lemak as a break fast (bley?).. ended up wit a guilty feelin.. senam mcm nak mampus, then senang2 mkn nasik lemak la plak.. but then - bukan selalu pun. tak salah rite? its not like the end of the pun pun.. *sigh* wat a self-defense mechanism is dat.
Soleh called me up - dammit - semata2 nak tunjuk kat aku yg dia dah beli hp baru. heh.. ngah too called me up - i mght be goin there Selasa ptg ni - for a dinner. for a dinner? of 2hrs drive? ermm.. mcm tak berbaloi jer..
gotta iron my shirts and such - sort out thgs for trow. Monday - hell yeah! i hate Monday. and who likes Monday, anyway? (i know some ppl do - but it is for real? pls laa..).
Saturday, August 9, 2008
goin to hit my crib now. gotta wake up early trow morn - tho i know its Sunday.
nice dreamin, eh.. nite.
home around 2pm, online sekejap and off i had a great nap.. bangun Asar, aku went for a gym and jog after dat.. now finally i am home - feel like goin out. but i jst dun know where and wat for.. i shall go down and catch watever it is on the idiotbox, i think. too much of cyberworld wld do harm, i believe.
cant wait for trow. another lazy day, indeed.
Friday, August 8, 2008
- if ur onto somethg good.. just dun stop. dun throw it away. and dun even think of givin up!
- dun let the world nor failure define who ur
- ur only a failure when u fail to try!!
- each of us r unique ourselves.. and each of us has somethg unique to giv back to the world..
- it doesnt matter if ur broke and u only got 2 nickels to rub together - dun let money define who ur
- it doesnt matter u were betrayed - jst dun let betrayal define who ur..
- and its ok if he/she said, "i dun love u anymore.." - coz, does it matters?
i am on of a kind. and so are u. we r all one of a kind - by God!! as long as ur still breathin breath, u've got to hav a reason to be ere..
coz dats wat define u, anyway!!.."
i got a good applause from the stdnts, lecturers and all. i was a bit mcm nak pitam - but towards the end - aku rasa mcm wldnt let the mic go. hahaha
and the best part of it - Pengarah did tell me.. "good speech, Shah!!.. lain kali bley buat lagik."
7 months, if i am not mistaken..
right on the dot - she was 10 months old now.. on her b'day.
she knows how to pose!! she's 10 months 10 days.. while on eatin out.
nurul aqilah damia - shes so cute n easily get along wit others, damn well. kinda proud to hav her around.. she managed to make me smile whenever i dun feel like to. and she managed to put her special spell on everybody - wit her smiles n such - makin her more loveable, kissable and hugable..
tho i am still lookin for the meanin of life - every now and then - dis lil gal never fail to make me feel and bein more grateful to be able breathin more breath each minute in time..
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
done all the work (it was like never really done, for sure) in the ofc around 5.30pm when Nasree - i saw him wanderin about in the ofc - lookin for Mr Adnan.. i was the informed that they'll be havin dis Adobe Photoshop class - held by the student, for the students. sounds pretty nice - so i decided to join em all - sittin rite infront of the hall - learnin thgs i wanna learn all dis while. i got books on Adobe Photoshop alrite - but i am tellin u; readin books n learnin thgs face to face wit those who r xprt r two bloody different thgs.. so i got the whole 1.5hrs all to myself.. messin around, tryin new thgs wit Adobe. it was so fucktastic. really! i swear to God - i am goin to do dis again - joinin the class again next week for sure. and for a while - i forgot my gym. my jog.. and around 7.15pm - i was home - rite from the office.
went to the Tesco jst now - had my tosai for dinner in Nasi Kandar Kayu. instead of 'garing nyer tosai' - the mamak gav me 'hangus nyer tosai'. i was pissed off alrite - i made the mamak made me a new one. and i successed. padan muka. tak reti2 nak jaga costumer..
buy few thgs - ended up buyin more than i need instead. walkin passed Fotokem - aku stumbled into Canon Powershot 100 SX I somethg.. wah!! meleleh jap air liur.. i am gonna get it, God sake. i swear i am goin to get it, real soon..
sleepy now. shld hit the crib alrite.
nitey nite, ppl!!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
i am tryin to imagine wat is Aizat up to now.. must be enjoyin himself. ye lah - so deeply-dy in love katernyerrr.. its ok lah. he's cravin for one all dis while. and he's wishin for one, too. so he deserve to enjoy every bit of it, alrite.
and as for me - i wanna hit the crib now. i know its like 10p.30m - yet i dun giv it a fuck. i got a big agenda to run trow.. and classes to run too. kinda sucks - but its ok. i gez life's like dat. u never know how good it is until u lost it, i suppose. and before i lost any of it (God sake - i am not prayin for it anyway) i wanna jst go out there n do thgs the very best i can - tho i mght hate it; i wanna look at the bright side of it.. and fuck it off - i wanna enjoy it, too.
yeah - enjoy it, too.
*sigh* i mean - enjoy wat?
Monday, August 4, 2008
nothg on the idiotbox. and nothg in the fridge as well. as if askin me to do the outin for a simple dinner tonite - tho deep down inside; i am so fuckin lazy to do so.
well - dun hav the choice, i think. ttho i mght not be takin dinner for quite sometime.. but tonite - kill me for dis - i am starving!
now, now she love me, shawty I love her
used to jump up in the maybach and roll out
used to care, she used to share
the love that she used to give me can't be found
I lost my way, she said she'd stay
and lately I've been sleeping with a ghost
my stock is down and out, I used to be with my weight and goals.
that was before a great depression kicked in and rocked us
and that was before a huricane came in and stopped us.
i told you to leave, but you lied to me
when you said that, baby - no worries I promise to get us back
i know sorries, just would'nt do it,
my heart is obliterated, I'm trying, I'm trying my boo
but it's like moving mountains..
it's like moving mountains..
but I keep climbing and hoping things would change
and the sky turns grey, and the water from the rain, washes progress away
it's like moving mountains..
it's like moving mountains..
why you just leave me
just leave me
just leave me..