Wednesday, June 18, 2008

deservedness in life.

lately, i've bn mulling obver the concept of deservedness and wat us 'meant to be' and 'ought to be'. the reason is - any consideration to dis stream of tot is b'coz anytime ur tryin to overcome a major event in life; it is ur outlook on how to overcomes ought to be - dat determines which course of action u take. by dis "deservedness", i mean - yeap - a lot more than the notion of 'karma' or "as u sow, u shall reap" kinda sayin - if u ever come across it.. y do we even think dat anyone deserves anythg, at all - good or bad? i know i mght sound idiot - but i do blve its a good point to think of (jst in case if u aint got nthg much to deal wit!). i do believe dat nature doesnt care if u deserve a bigger house, a Grand Livina (sorry Ajak!) or a more caring family. and yet - we all walk around everyday, certain dat we deserve better and should be gettin more and more.. (now tell me - hav u ever think about dis?).
intricately linked to deservedness is (i think) our willingness to understand and acceptance of wat is "meant to be". i went to college and worked hard. i am meant to be financially stabel (yeah rite) and capable of sustainin myself (and dis i know). since i was a good (and even those were the days 'Best Stdnt Overall'), i 'ought to' then hav a high salary (o yeah?). or perhaps - u and yr gf/bf hav been dating for like 3 yrs now and despite all the tiffs, u both still love each other alrite. ppl said - ur meant to be together. o yeah?. we hav formulated rules on how we think our future shld materialize. and hard science works like dat. amek air, add few minutes of heat and the water is meant to be vaporised. same way - meet a gal/boy, take her/him out to dinner, be a wonderful companion, be romantic, giv him/her a good ride of episodic shags ere and there - u then both r meant to be in a relationship real soon. but is dat the way life is? jst like dat hard sciences? *teeeeeeet* ur wrong. not exactly. really.
if u take care of a person for yrs and they leave u for someone else (dammit), ur world will come crashin down. ur aint urself anymore. no longer. u spent ur entire 20's to work and make their life better. and now they've left u. God forbid - U DESERVE BETTER! trust me. dats wat everyone will tell u and dats wat u'll start tellin urself. we put ineffort, wait for a while and xpct rslts. when rslts arent they way we xpcted, we lose sleep and lose wt., including the worst part of it - lose hope. y? b'coz we cant jst accept dat may be there is no such thg as 'deservedness'. we cant accept dat wat is now - is there all is. u dun hav complete control over wat happens in future. nbdt does, incldng the richest and the most powerful men. the ebst-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.
i started to blve dat - if we think life ought to be a certain specific way, we'll then hav a hard time accepting when it does not turn out so. worked damn hard, married young, raised kids wit love and care, and now the kids dun even call u xcpt when they need money? (ouch!). life ought to hav turned out better, dun u think so?
i wish it had. in the heat of the moment, i will readily point it out dat u deserve more in life. but later, when i sit back and think about it - i dun see y u deserve anythg. i mean - anythg at all. nobdy does. incldng me, either.

so if we dun deserve anythg in the end - y even bother to put in the effort like nbdy bisness ('mcm nak mampos' as Amed always said), on long-term goals? b'coz the experience is usually worth the effort, i think. the outcome is often a random flip of a coin, but u cant replace the experience gained - even wit a billion coin, flips!
erm - its kinda weird dat at time like dis - wit me got lot of thgs to do ere in the ofc; aku wld be able to think about dis silly thang. nope - it aint silly, i know. at least i got my brain to work a bit - i refused to ended up havin Alzheimer, God sake!!

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