Sunday, September 11, 2016

walked off.

6 years, and it means a lot to u. but now, it leaves u wit dat numb kinda feelin and nthg else. u hav no regret, but u keep wishing it'd be worth a while. worth a fight. 

or perhaps, u lose track. now dat u dun knw wat ur fighting for. and u dun knw if it is worth shyte.

but then again - u learn a lot. good times, no doubt. it goes beyond everythg. jst dat u started to think dat ur too tired for the journey, and u need to jst stop. some path in life u better walk alone, tho u knw to hav someone beside u wld be wonderful.


Salam Eid'ul Adha in advance. jst in case i din get the chance in wishing u soon.


i decided to end my writing in here. dis is my last post. i din see myself writing shyte out anymore. i gez i had nthg left to share, i prefer to keep thgs to myself lately. i love doin dis, no doubt. but i jst cant see me doin it anymore. 

i shall put dis at rest. if i do come back, then i will. but if i am not, then be it.

u take care. 

love urself more then u love others. for if they leave u behind, u still hav the love wit u. and u'll be alrite. but if u giv em all out, u'll be left wit nthg. and to start all over again is kinda full of shyte u hav to struggle af.


gdnyte gais. i will leave dis for a lil while, before u wont be able to completely see any of the post, anymore.


Friday, August 19, 2016

lunch break.

done wit the first part of the Mesyuarat Perlaksanaan Prog. Dip. Lanjutan Kesihatan Mental, jst now. break for lunch and Jumaat. Dr Elen lantik aku jadi S/U and i hav to deal wit all the corrections and such over the discussions we had. and he kept mention my name again and again up to a point aku rasa tak selesa, since there's ramai yg senior, bosses and such. i was jst there as one of the committee and contributor.

and a plain kuli, as well.

perhaps aku pernah kerja dgn dia, we used to hav byk discussions over thgs under the sun, and aku adore the way he sees thgs, the way he thinks and such.

tak berbahasa bahasi, berpantun segala yg tak berfaedah. bodoh dan buang masa.

and thru out the meeting, aku giler tak tahan mengantuk. i went out for some breather for coupla times, basuh muka and pi Unit Penilaian dan Peperiksaan, catching up wit Kak Ton etc. but then again, i am glad i manage to concentrate well. perhaps all dis brain-storming, intellectual discussion and discourse r thgs yg aku minat - so it shldnt be much shyte for me. but then again - i cant wait to thumb-out and hit home to crash.


gais, jgn lupa Jumaat. ya?


woke up at 2.30am in the morn., i was hungry like hell. i felt like drivin up to mamak and hav sthg, but i din. too lazy to get the hell outta bed. so pagi neh, 6.30am aku dah kuar rumah - it was way early i knw - tp aku lapar and i need to get sthg sebelum aku masuk ofc. alhamdulillah, had my proper breakfast and i off to the ofc.

and today - there'll be a Mesyuarat Perlaksanaan Program Diplomma Lanjutan Kesihatan Mental in here, and i am one of those yg kena hadir. alhamdulillah - after like years workin on the modules, curriculum and such - the course will kick off by early next month. there'll be an intake of like 30 stdnts - if i am not mistaken. i wont be the Penyelaras watever not, but i'll be teaching as well - contributing my specialization on Health Psychology and Counseling. i feel good about it and i cant wait.

i am still mad of myself. i dun blame the whole shyte on anyone else, but me. i shld be wiser on dis. i shldve known better. dis aint the first time i am standing and walking in dis shitty kinda shoes - been there before dis, and i knw how it ends. but again - it was jst me - said i dun mind takin the risk and i failed myself, i failed it badly. and i jst cant help myself.

i blame it to myself. solely.

gtg. u hav a good day ahead. i'll see u when i see u!


nite lift up the shades
let in the brilliant lite of mornin
but steady there now
for i'm weak and starvin for mercy
sleep has left me alone
to carry the weight of unravelling where we went wrong
its all i can do to hang on
to keep me from fallin
into old familiar shoes

how stupid i cld be
a simpleton cld see
dat ur no good for me
but ur the only one i see

love has made me a fool
it set me on fire and watched as i floundered
unable to speak
except to cry out and wait for ur answer
but u come around in ur time
speaking of fabulous places
create an oasis
dries up as soon as ur gone
u leave me here burnin
in dis desert w/o u

everythg changes
everythg falls apart
cant stop to feel myself losing control
but deep in my senses - i knw.

stupid; sarah mclachlan.

Thursday, August 18, 2016


i din get much sleep lately. and so last nite. i crashed pretty early and woke up by 3am - and i knew it's gonna be disastrous. the feelin u had at dat particular time, forcing urself to get back to sleep coz u dun wanna be in between the darkness and the cold silence around u - its torturing. but i gez i jst hav to deal wit it. and i knw i am gonna be jst fine. dis, it come and go. 

and so does thgs in life, i gez.

went for a breakfast wit Ajak. been a while. we both were bz wit own thgs, i hardly see him in the ofc as well. he jst had another baby gal, coupla weeks back. i heard thg or two about him as well, and he has been texting me now and then. why? same shyte. politics at work, work, life and such. 

met him waktu masuk keje, and aku terus ajak kuar teman aku mkn. and he went like. "layak ke aku ni Shah, kuar dgn ko..". same fucking shyte. and same old him. we had a long conversation. serious lama aku tak kuar mkn dgn Ajak. he sometimes can be a lil negative wit thgs around him. i dun knw, i wasnt in his shoes pun. i am sure if i were him, i mght be ended up being the same. so when he started to grow such negativism in him, aku dah jarang2 kuar dgn dia. its not dat i dun want to, jst dat i believe i need more positivism in life - u knw wat i mean.

so i jst listen. and enjoyed my food. jst like wat i did to Hafiz smlm. sit, and listen. i din talk much, i jst giv him some space to talk. i knew he got loads in him to vent. and yes - same shyte. jst dat it's getting worst. and havin dat old knew-nthg big boss doesnt help much.

i pray he'll be better wit time. i wish i'd understand him way better, and can do somethg to help. but i jst dun knw how. we r livin in the surrounding where ppl r full of insecurities, uncertainty and ppl tend to stab u at the back, while they r smiling at u.


driving back to ofc, i had dis tot. u knw, u've been listenin to others - their shyte and such. and u started to wonder who wld listen to u then? ur shyte and such. i hav so much in my head and i jst dun knw how and whom shld i spill it out to.

i ran, today. fueled wit anger, frustration and hatred in me - i had a good one. shldve done it better than jst dis. best part of stuffing ur ears wit musics and kept movin while ur head all over places, i had a nice run. it doesnt help me wit shyte in the head, but i feel good. 

i hope i'll hav a good crash tonite. dat i need not to wake up at the mid of the nite, and wondering wat to do.


"run, run, lost boy", they say to me
"away from the reality".

Wednesday, August 17, 2016


and i ran, yesterday. tak jauh - 5km je. and it took me like 43min to get it done. bad timing, i knw. but its ok lah, rather than nthg at all. i jst wanna get sweat, and i jst need to run - tu je. it makes me feel better. and i sleep way better at nite, too.

i always wish i cld do better than jst the above. 'wish' is not a good thang, i knw. i gotta get it done, rather than jst 'wish'. lari sorg sebnrnya ada pro and ada con. u can run at ur own pace, nbdy cares pun. tp the motivation - dats the lacking. i wish i cld hav someone to run wit me, dat wld be good. or maybe, dat someone cld be me je lah kot, kan?

2 hrs class wit postbsc kejap lagik. and petang, Mr V combined all English classes for some activities at Dewan Sri Perdana, and he wanted me to be the Ketua Juri watever not. i wasnt keen, tp to think of kwn2, i gav him faces. icld go for PLA and do some clinical teaching instead. esk pun dah pack. Jumaat ada Mesyuarat Perlaksanaan Prog. Advanced Dip Lanjutan Kesihatan Mental plak, and i am one of the committee. 

gtg. see u around. i gotta class to run.

good day ahead, gais.

Tuesday, August 16, 2016


u r not empty. 
there has to be a part of u left - even if it just the part dat says, 

"dammit i am empty".

u gotta stand on top of dat part of urself, and reach up. reach out.

b'coz u r not empty.


owh. aku dah lama nak post the above pics - i knw nthg significant - but i kinda like em good. dok stay as 'draft' think i shld post sajer lah.

no caption. no nthg. put ur own caption if u feel like to. 

coz as for me, it is not necessary to hav one.