Tuesday, August 20, 2019

a long day.

it was a long day today, yet a good one. supposedly tak de mender sgt on the schedule, but then again - ko never knw, some stuffs some shytes mght just come up at the front door and need some attention. so pg2, aku turun Unit Penilaian & Peperiksaan - basically aku nye ofc lah. since semlm kelas 8 to 5 and aku tak sempat tunjuk muka pun - and Puan Beatrice the boss siap cari aku dlm group WhatsAll like "mana Shah, tak nmpk pun ari ni? ru working?". kah!

so aku tlg Ijat invigilate paper bdk2 dia. since he's alone. SEQ, 2 q's, 30mins. easy peasy. by 930am, settled. aku terus ke ward for clinical teaching. mggu lps tak sempat nak tgk bdk2 neh kat klinikal since cuti Aidil Adha and such. lepak2 jap dgn bdk2, bedside teaching, discussed on Mental State Examination, Psychiatric History Taking, and i am done. 1pm smpai ofc, aku baru teringat Hidayah mtk cover class dia at 2pm. till 5pm.

mula2 aku mcm malas. tp kesian plak aku tgk dia.. a pregnant lady wit a big tummy and all.

so, class at 2pm. i made it santai since kelas ptg - sape je suka kelas ptg? dammit, i hate it too. ofkoz aku bley deliver, tp classroom management agak jenuh tambah2 lagi kalo tajuk ko a bit dry, factual wit full of theory shyte. i promised to the stndts yg aku akan ended up the class by 4pm, and ofkoz - dorg suka lah kan. emm. so 4pm, i called it a day and shooo-ed em all balik.

it was about 5 bila aku dah siap nak balik when a gal came to see me. she asked me if i wanna leave, and she told me she needed some of my time. i was like.. alaa dah 5pm. aku nak balik. hahahaha and i told her, "sure. i can spare some time". aku noticed her in my class. dlm ramai2 tu, she's a bit different. maksud aku, in a good way. she looks like she got a world to share wit everybdy, but somethg is holding her back. dia selalu tnya aku mcm2 dlm kelas, on lots of thg. thgs yg bdk2 sebaya dia never thinks of. and yes, jst like aku fikir - she came from a broken fmly. wit discords. dia ada adik beradik but they have parted away. she grew up in the surrounding yg lain dr bdk2 lain, she hardly talks to anyone at all. she wanted to hav frens, she jst dun knw how. other gals told her dat shes weird, and most of them took her for granted. and dat hurts her much. she wanted to be heard, and she had sort of expectation in others - she wonders knp org tak fhm dia, knp org tak suka dia and such. she longs for a bestfrens, but shes scared of being hurt, again.

i sat there for about an hour, i said nothg at all. kdg2 aku tnya soalan jst to clear shyte out, she cried a bit now and then. and finally, she asked me y on earth i said nothg? and is she or not crazy wit all the thgs she told me. she asked me for some words, and aku decided it is not goin to be kaunseling much - perhaps a guidance session wld be appropriate.

i told her to be easy wit expectation. i told her dats the way life is - we gotta learn to anticipate wit shyte in life. and i told her dat i believe in when we fall in love, when we get closed to someone - we gotta make sure dat we were be ready to leave. we talked about how to not drowning in self-hatred, over analyzing, being so critical wit self, how to go easy wit diri sendiri, how to love urself first sblm bljr to syg org lain and such. and yes, we talked about expectations in life.

at the end of the session/conversation, she told me like "sir, ur such a good person. i am sure u knw dat well". i was stunned. seriously. it was good to hear dat. i mean, for the first time, someone said dat to me alrite. and aku jst senyum and said thanks. 

and she walked off.

aku drove back, smiling to myself. it was a long day, yet it is a good one. those kinda words made my day, it is a feeling aku tak tau nak ckp mcmana. all i knw dis is the thg yg buat aku love wat i am doin now. i mght not hav all the power, kuasa, jawatan besar and all - but it was good enuff to at least help dis ppl yg in need. 

it makes me feel dat i wanna do dis, as long as i can. for the satisfaction is beyond word.

Sunday, August 18, 2019

maafkan diri sendiri.


|Mcmana Nak Memaafkan Diri Sendiri?|

semua org pernah buat silap dlm hidup. salah berbuat keputusan, penyesalan, kesilapan pd diri atau kesalahan yang melibatkan org lain. unfortunately, we r way easier in forgiving others, but not diri sendiri. walhal memaafkan diri sendiri adalah perihal yg lbh penting dan perlu didahulukan, seblm memaafkan org lain.

it mght not be easy as said, tp trust me - we need to continuously belajar memaafkan diri sendiri supaya tiada tertinggal sebarang residual penyesalan yang tersimpan smpai ko mati.

but how? let me share how. i did dis to myself a lot, and it do help me a lot -

  1. kenalpasti the importance of forgiving urself - tak bljr utk maafkan diri sendiri akan drain out ur energy, and leave u rasa chewed up inside. ko akan terbiasa jadi sorg yg pendendam, penuh dgn negativity and keep living in the past instead of in the present. so apa guna nya hidup?
  2. kenalpasti kesan pd diri sendiri of not forgiving urself - emosi yg negatif such as rasa malu, menyesal, marah r also bad for ur health - secara fizikal dan psikologikal. all dis akan ko express unintentionally thru ur t/laku, thgs dat u said, ur thought segala. u will get (or look) older more than u shld. and yes, ko akan stress. and stress will do harm on ur healthy immune system. and yes, u knw the rest.
  3. acknowledge the emotions u r struggling wit - lps the above steps, kena teach urself to kenalpasti apa jadah emosi yg ko dok bergelut wit. rasa marah, menyampah, geram, dendam kesumat ka apa ka.. bcoz psychologically, simply by naming ur emotions can help reduce their power. so bila ko dah basically tau wat ur struggling wit, u can control em and control ur live back again bila all those feelings hit u, again.
  4. reflect diri sendiri, all the time - muhasabah diri, mcm ko dok selalu dgr tu. we r all make mistakes - sedar or tak sedar; buat keputusan yg foolish, and act badly at times. well, bkn ko sorg je yg mcm tu. we r all, indeed. rmbr, dat is a part of human being. and dat makes u a human being. kita tak perfect pun. nbdy is. and nbdy will. we r all do stupid thgs, ckp benda2 yg bangang dat we regret. thus, muhasabah diri, bljr dr kesilapan. and maafkan diri sendiri.
  5. try let go ppl's expectations - kita tak bley happy kan semua org, dammit dat is not goin to happen. tetapkan standard diri, and try to live by them. bkn ko bernafas dan hidup ikut cara dan standard yg org lain tetapkan. u r not a slave, rmbr dat. dan kiranya ko keep lookin for approval, u'll never measure up sbb ko akan keep seeing ppl yg asyik dok kritik dan judge diri ko. trust me on dis.
  6. amalkan self-forgiveness - as a part of life. it is healthy to acknowledge penyesalan yg ko ada dlm idup, but then u need to be willing to let go the past and buat keputusan to move forwards and live life differently. yg dah lps tu, udah2 lah.

again, bunyi mmg senang. u'll definitely say dat, i knw. but then again if u never put dis into a practice, u will never knw how it is then. and yes, theres no harm of tryin, for own sake. sbb apa? sbb to change or not to change, it is in ur hand. ko sendiri decide.

and yes, dlm erti kata yg mudah, kita perlu belajar utk memaafkan diri sendiri terlebih dahulu sblm sibuk nak maafkan org lain. ikhlas dgn diri, and everythg will go jst fine - the way it shld be.

semoga membantu.


26062019 - 01072019.

it was fun, jst the way i wished it wld be. i wanna keep it in here, so i cld remember how wonderful it was back then.