Saturday, January 9, 2021


i will never know if you love me
or my company, but i don't mind
'cause i ain't tryna be the one
been through this a thousand times
i don't need to take your heart
you keep yours, i'll keep mine
all i really know is when i'm lonely
i hate that i'm lonely
and that's why i let you in
and maybe in another life
we fight all day, kiss all night
but i don't wanna break your heart
you keep yours, i'll keep mine

i know
we know better, so we'd both better go

i don't need a reason
to keep on dreamin'
that we don't lose, yeah, what's the use?
i don't need a reason
to keep on dreamin', oh
that we can win at anything at all

am i the only one who sees right through this?
yeah, all this bullshit
don't play me for no fool
yeah, you don't gotta lose your mind
every time i don't call
and i should never have to win your love
then hate myself when i don't, oh, oh
fickle as you are
that's exactly why i keep on running back
'cause i'm brittle at the parts
where i wish i was strong
and maybe when you need my help
i like myself when it's over
but later in the light, you go
dark and rogue, and i need closure

and i know
whatever this is ain't love
so i'm goin'
i'm gonna let you go, let you go

i don't need a reason
to keep on dreamin'
that we don't lose, yeah what's the use?
i don't need a reason
to keep on dreamin'
that i can win this stupid thing called love
mm, mm, mm


lose; niki.

Wednesday, December 23, 2020


sometimes i wanna write to u. a long, rambling kinda texts, wit no purpose. sometimes i wanna write to u, asking for forgiveness, on watever the fuck it is. i wanna ask u wat went wrong, the mistakes i've done, and the fuck do i stand. sometimes i really wanna write to u, wanna tell u how much i miss u, and how empty it is for me - wit hole inside of me. i wanna tell u how restless nite is, dat i cant sleep wit shyte in my head - about u and everythg in between. 

yet sometimes, i am asking myself y shld i be doin dat. y i shld be doin dat and put myself in trouble yet been treated like a cold shyte. again and again. it's tiring, for fuck sake. i wanna tell how over the years i do change for good, for life and all and how hard i try to be good - yet, yeah. dat i am down in deep shyte. dat i am sad. and then again, i dun giv a fuck anymore. 

i wanted to knw y, and how. but it doesnt matter now.

i make mistakes, i knw. aku pun tak la perfect mana, and i am learning. i changed over the years, i knw. tp to be left treated like dis.. sigh.

its raining. and i am leaving for Kubang Kerian, tonite. i am scared. i am worried. but then again - it is wat it is. Allah ada.

u gais tc.

Tuesday, November 24, 2020

not anymore.


tonite, i feel sort of sentimental.

been a while since i last sit down here in my reading room, late at nite wit thoughts rumblin in my head, i need to let it out. i used to dis a lot, but then i found somethg better - 'sleep on it, and u'll be ok' kinda shyte - but it is not helping me, now.

it is hard to explain. so much has changed. tho nothg too significant around me, has changed. ppl come, ppl go. same ol'shyte. promises in, and promises out. and i found myself stuck still on the same old lame track, i need to do somethg about it.

darn it is hard to explain. i think the change has been internal, dat somehow i dun giv a fuck any more. my perception about a lot of thgs has changed - my desires, my tots, my feelings.. the definition of who i am has certainly changed. but it has all happened so slowly i hav barely noticed it till now. i shld be better than dis. i shld be fuckin better than jst bloody dis. 

hence y i am feelin so sentimental.

it actually feels a bit weird recently. it feels distant rather than familiar. i find myself slightly clinging onto ppl and places in the hope to get my bearings. but then again, day by day i realized it wasnt working at all. it's really simple - things has changed. ppl, too. life, feelings r not the same anymore. everythg has changed. 

and i gez it is natural for me to feel foreign here.

Monday, November 23, 2020

same waters?

u can never really go back to the same waters.
not only r u no longer the same,
but neither r the waters u left.
the current has changed.
the elements of nature hav affected the stream.
when u return, altho it appears the same -
it really is a different river 
and u urself r a different person.

u cant cross the same river

talking to u.

i love talking to u even if u r not listening at all.
i love talking to u, even i hav nothg to say.
and i love talkin to u, even if u dun
understand tf i'm sayin.

Sunday, November 22, 2020

rainy nights.


it's been raining much lately
and tonite, too.
i loved to sleep with the window open - especially on the
rainy nights, like tonite.
rainy nights were the best of all,
the sound of the rain fall
and the dat certain feeling it brings.

rainy nights were the best of all -
i would open the window and put my
head on the pillow and close my eyes and feel
the wind coming in,
listenin to the trees sway and creak.



i have tried time and again to write about u - about us - to tell the world about u. i hav tried to explain my feelings and allow everyone to see the beauty i see in u - the beauty of life u brought me. every time, though - i feel myself coming up short.

there r no words to it justice. no words, at all. i cant describe my heart's delight when a smile stretches across ur bloody face, nor i can explain the fire u hav set in my fcukin heart.

i gez no one will ever know how beautiful a soul u r bcoz no one will ever knw u like i do. and i gez no one will ever knw how our love story came to be.

Sunday, November 15, 2020



growth is painful.
change is painful too.
but nothg is as painful as staying stuck somewhere u dun belong.



at the end of the day -
no matter wat u do, no matter how good u r -
ppl will let u down, ppl will label u as somethg u r not, watever it is.
rmbr - it is all to make em feel better,
it is about em; not u.