Monday, February 5, 2018


selamat pg.

its 5.50 in the morn., and its Monday.

i cant really sleep last nite. crashed by 1am, i had my eyes closed yet the mind was all over places. it was like i cand "switch off" the brain for a lil while and hav a rest. it was like u had ur eyes closed but u were thinkin of random thgs here and there, and theres nthg dat u can do about it. i was literally tossin up and down when finally i gav up, and it was alrdy 5 sthg.

i knw it is not gonna be good. it is gonna be a long day today - i shld be on the road dis morn., but i still gotta go to the ofc since ada presentation research by ADMN Sept 2017, and bdk2 bwh seliaan aku kept sending me msgs like "sir, u need to be there for us. we need u" kinda shyte. apart of bein one of the panel, i knw i can skip dis. but all those msges - perhaps i jst need to tunjuk muka for a lil while, shower the stdnts wit good words and such, and i leave.

the worst part about all dis shyte in mind, and wit me lackin of sleep - aku hate myself when i mght be ended up bein groggy and fussy kinda bitch. which i hope, i wont. thgs r all in my hand i knw, and i will make sure thgs r fine inshaAllah.

i am off for a shower.

hav a good Monday, peeps. salam Subuh.


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change is scary. its a leap to the unknwn and dat is y some of us refused to change. but, if thgs dun change, we get in a rut and end up goin nowhere. change is tough, and convincing others u've changed - is another thg. 

change teaches us to be more flexible. when thgs change - somethg to do wit u, or around u - u hav to change to. the whole process of change teaches us to be more flexible in our approach to life, and also helps us to become more understanding, and tolerant person. i learned dis well. and if u still hav doubts in me, its ok. i dun giv a fuck, really. 

change - is inevitable. its the fact of life. even if we dun embrace change, we mght as well accept it, as change is fuckin inevitable. accept dat its goin to happen, and we'll feel far more comfortable about it. theres nthg dat we can do to stop it anyway, so jst go wit the bloody flow. it'll be way fuckin easier. 

change is good. so they say. coz wit changes, we grow wit it. as each changes in our life occur, we grow and we learn more about ourselves. din we? even if a change leads us to somewhere dat we din wanna be, we will still learn a shyte or two from the change, and it will help us grow into a more rounded and balanced person. at least dats wat i believe. judge my past if u want to, i admit i did mistakes and i learn. but did u? doubts? hell ofcoz. but still, idgaf. coz i knw myself better. and u dun hav to try.

and yes, change is good. bcoz it allows us to experience life to the full. the good and the bad. the ups and downs. w/o change, life wld jst become a dull and repetitive routine. we gotta welcome change, bcoz it brings new experiences to our lives and brings new challenges. and i gez dats wat life is all about. 

the point is - if u knew anyone whos tryin hard, to change - be it for themselves, or for their love ones - be there for them. u dun judge them, treat em like a piece of cold shyte - tho dat makes u feel fuckin superior and good. 

i am not sure wat the fuck i am blabbering in here, but dat is wat in my head now. i am feelin low, dis accusation for bein like piece of shyte left me drownin in hatred, hate and anger. u knw - when ur tryin hard to be good, to prove urself dat ur a worth fuckin shyte yet u shove aside, and bein judged before anythg at all.


i dun see dis is doin any good pun. for me, for life, or anythg dat matter. 



Sunday, February 4, 2018


everythg's goin to be okay.
actually, it's goin to turn out better than ok.

u'll see.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

happy b'day, to me!

31st Jan 2018.
2241, Ipoh.

i celebrate birthday, no more these days. i wld love to, and i do hav plans as usual (or perhaps, the closest ones does) but most of the time, i ended up withdrawing myself and cancel the whole thang. yes, i prefer to stay in nowadays. 

and keep thgs to myself.

the stdnts asked me to join em for Bukit Berekeh, Sg Siput today and darn i love the idea, but yes, i pulled off at the last time. aku jst malas. w'pun now, aku menyesal. catching the sunrise up there wld be heaven, seriously!

so i did, today. woke up at 10am, baru aku tgk handphone. as usual, the stdnts texted me way earlier, and aku jst tgk2 je lah dulu. and the soc meds as well. did the laundry, watered the plants out there, cooked for lunch, and ended up stayin in front of the idiotbox. its cuti Thaipusam pun today, so better be it.

mak called by noon, aku was thrilled. i was waiting for it since Subuh pun. nak tggu call yg lain? i had none. ha ha

i mean, i wasnt dat teruk lah kot. i did celebrate it well. but few years back lah, years back then. mcm gmbr kat atas, dat was in in 2008/2009 if i am not mistaken. a group of frens like 10 to 12 of em held a dinner for me and Marcus, for birthday. owh, me and Marcus we r sharing the same month pun.

dats was then.

i still miss all those, really. the crowd was fun. hilarious. 

and, these r for dis years. i am blessed, watever dat is. ppl come and ppl go, but the tot is all dat matters. ppl wont rmbr u in the same way like they did before, and i gez it is ok - no matter how important they r, to u. ppl change, and dats the fact of life. havin dat in mind, i gez it makes me feel way much better.

and at dis age, material thang tak lah penting mana pun. it is the effort, the thought. i hav no rite to ask dis and dat, to appreciate me like i do to u - but the effort, dats sthg. and dats the thang dat i will rmbr.

i gez, before the day ends - HAPPY BORN DAY to me, eh?

and trow is jst another day!


gd nyte, peeps. 

Tuesday, January 30, 2018


hi there. assalam.

been a while. kan? i gez i am doin ok now, and i am doin much better alrite. denial, no. i am not. but i am ok seriously, and i will be ok.

and if i am not - i'd be rambling in here much, rite? but, i am not.

someone asked me 'bila nak update blog? dah bersawang'. hahaha.. i am kinda hooked up wit a mini project now, and i hope to get it released soon, before anythg bad happens. hahaha.. been wanting to dis for a long time, and i am havin the chance now. theres no way for lettin it slip away God sake. i love writing, and i gez i will always do. dat is the only way to express myself, and the best way to share watever i hav in mind, the lil bit of knowledge and such. 

btw, there's a lot of thgs happening lately. work, life. again, tp tak de apa yg significant pun. i refused to talk about work any longer, i wld drowned in frustration and such. i am doin wat i am doin now coz i love it, i jst love doin wat i am doin now. apart of it, nthg to much ado of pun. ramai dah blah, i always wanna do dat. but i need to finish up study aku dulu. and i dun dare to take any risk fcuk sake. sigh.

owh, ok. rmbr, i wont talk about it lah. malas.

btw, esk is the day. beside the Thaipusam, its my bday. hahahaha.. aku baru perasan since tgk kalender coupla days back. i was like, emm.. i dun knw how to react pun. i knw if it is coupla years back, sure aku mati syahid kena bahan dgn kwn2 by now. tp now, thgs change. and i am ok wit it. ppl doesnt need to knw u, rmbr u the way u want em to pun, and dat doesnt matter.


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Image result for say something JT

Image result for say something JT

hahaha no, not watever dat u hav in ur mind. it is my latest obsession - newly released by Justin Timberlake, Say Something ft Chris Stapleton. i fall for it from the first time aku listened to it. no much of the lagu ke apa, tp the lyrics. biasalah. aku look into the lyrics way better than anythg. theres sthg i cant tell about the whole shyte, tp somehow it does tell somethg.

go listen to it, if u got time.


hav a good day ahead, peeps!

Tuesday, January 2, 2018

its 2018, gais!!


life is scary.

one day u wake up feelin like u can take over the world, and the next day u wake up feelin like all u wanna do is lay in bed, and hide from everythg.

ppl walk into ur life, grab ur hand, and lead u into the most beautiful path u've ever known and darn make u happy; yet s'times the same ppl let go of ur hand wit no warning and u become stranded on the same track, at the same place where u never thought u wld feel fuckin lost.

lets be honest - s'times everythg is goin so bloody great and it seems like nthg cld be wrong, but right when u begin to think of dat, s'thg horrible comes crashin down and all of a sudden more problem flooding around u and u jst feel so helpless, hopelessly bad.. so frigging, shitty alrite.

it is so hard to understand y such thgs happen in life - and i personally wish i had an answer to day 'why' u always ask urself - but all i can say is dat no matter how hard life gets, u gotta keep goin, for God sake.

the life around u will never stop soin on. i'll be honest and say dat s'times  it makes me feel a bit worried, and it gives me kinda anxiety b'coz all i can think is, "will i able able to keep up? is dis gonna end? when? why? wat is everythg goes too fast?". but i realized dat bein scared and livin wit dat burden of runnin away from problems only slow me down, even more. and i've come to the point where i believe dat b'coz life never stops, it never will, and i shldnt stop either.

its ok to take breaks and to giv urself time to heal, but u cannot giv up and u cannot quit. remember dat. there is so much waitin for us to do and we simply cant giv fear the satisfaction of winnin when we can giv success, growth and accomplishment dat fcukin same satisfaction too, if not even more.

pls do believe in urself. do courage urself instead of doubting urself. keep it positive, fill ur heart wit gratitude for wat u alrdy hav, and always remain humble and true to who u r.

b'coz even if life is hella scary, not living it is way scarier.


first day workin for 2018. and there'll be class at 10.30am. i am still in the cloud-nine and i gez i am refused to step down pun. anyway, life's gotta go on, rite?

owh, btw - i hope it is not too late to wish u gais a Happy New Year!! 2018, alrdy eh? haih, cepat giler. lookin back at 2017.. nope, i am not gonna do dat. not now, at least. ha ha

hav a good day ahead, peeps! Allah bless u.

Friday, September 29, 2017

for tonite.

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dear u;

at the end of the day, today - jst before u go to bed - take about 30 secs to look out ur bedroom window, at the stars - rmbr ur place in dis world, dun let urself get lost in it. then take the time to remind urself wat ur goin thru rite now will pass, and it will get better inshaAllah; darn everythg heals wit time.

rmbr dat even on ur darkest, horrible days - those days when u feel utterly, helplessly alone, underestimated, unappreciated, and unloved - dat ur not. rmbr dat somewhere out there in dis big old world, somebdy loves u and appreciated u so much, perhaps more then u'll ever knw. furthermore, realize dat theres at least one person out there dat is dying to meet someone jst like u.

yes, u.

u, even ur short, bald, dark wit dat big nose, or frizzy weird hair, glasses and not-so-flat tummy.. u - wit ur awkward smile, embarrassing laugh, and dat corny sense of humor dat u think no one cld ever love. u r appreciated and wished for and brilliant, all of u.

above all else tho, take the time each day, at least once, to remind urself dat ur worth it, beautiful - inside and out. dun let the way others judge u affect how u judge urself; dun let ur mistakes and ur past define u; and dun let anythg hold u fuckin down.

rmbr dat ur wonderful person and u hav the potential to go so far in life. ur jst amazing - jst how ur, and u dun need to ever change for anyone, but urself. each and every one of us is worth so much, more than we knw - if u ever start to forget and doubt any of dat - do read dis again.

do rmbr dis again - u knw it is true. and now it is time u embrace it.

Wednesday, September 20, 2017

been years!

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and it has been another one hell of a year goes by.

i hav worn the seasons under my sleeves, on my thighs, runnin down my cheeks, countlessly. there r time i feel like givin up, i really do gav up. but then i knw if i turn my back, i am defenseless - and go to blindly seems senseless. and if i hide my ego, my pride and let it all go on - it'll take from me till everythg's gone.

but i gez dis is wat surviving looks like, aye?

ranting #4

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i've learned today dat no matter wat happens, or how bad it seems today - darn life does go on. and it will be better, trow. i've learned dat u can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles coupla thgs - such as a rainy day, over some losing stuffs, and flirtation. i've learned dat regardless of ur relationship wit ur parents - u will miss them when they r gone from ur life.

and u never knw u might be leavin em back in here in the world, way earlier.

i hav learned dat making a 'living' is not the same thg as making a 'life'. i hav learned dat life s'times gives u a second chance - and once u hav it, u hav to fuckin appreciate it, and take it gracefully. i've learned dat u shldnt go thru life wit a catcher's mitt on both hands - u need to be able to throw sthg back.

i hav learned dat whenever i decide sthg wit an open heart, i usually make the right decision. and i hav learned dat even when i hav pains, i dun hav to be one. i learned to respect ppl's belonging, no u dun snatch sthg dat belong to someone/sthg else - no it wont work dat way. if u wanna hav sthg on ur own, sthg to call on ur fuckin own - damn u gotta work it out, ur fuckin arse out. 

i've learned dat every day u shld reach out and touch someone. reach out for someone who wants u, someone who appreciate ur presence and leave all scumbag alone. coz if they want, they really want u. no they dun fuckin shyte wit ur feelin, ur emotion, they hav no fuckin right to fool u in such a way. 

i hav learned dat ppl love a warm hug, or jst a frenly pat on the back. i hav learned dat i still hav fuckin lot to learn. i hav learned dat ppl will forget wat u said, ppl will forget about u, ppl will forget wat u did, but ppl will never forget how they made u feel.

and yes, i still got a lot to learn. and i am.

Saturday, September 16, 2017

ranting #3

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the truth is dat - the more intimately u knw someone, the more clearly u will see their flaws - jst as much as they started to see urs. dats jst the way it is. dis is y relationships fail, y children r abandoned, and y frenshp dun last.

u might think dat u love someone until u see the way they act when they out of time, or under pressure, or even when they r hungry - for God sake.

love is sthg different. love is choosing to serve someone and be wit dat someone in spite of their filthy heart. love is patient and kind. love id deliberate. love is fuckin hard. love is pain and sacrifice. love is ego-less. 

love is like seein the darkness in another person, and defying the impulse to jump ship.



hav a good weekend peeps!